1. D'oh! (screams)Copy !req
2. Fire! Fire! Fire!Copy !req
3. (gasps) Oh, no!Copy !req
4. What do I save?Copy !req
5. Trophies, trophies... (panicked gasping)Copy !req
6. Attendance!Copy !req
7. Don't panic! Don't panic! Don't panic!Copy !req
8. Get in! Move it! This is not a drill!Copy !req
9. Good work, everyone.Copy !req
10. We're sure to be
first in line for Duff Days.Copy !req
11. You set off the smoke alarm
to rush us to a beer festival?Copy !req
12. (laughing) I know, I'm a character.Copy !req
13. Now a little beer music
to get in the mood.Copy !req
14. Looking for these?Copy !req
15. Drink Duff... (whispers) responsibly.Copy !req
16. Drink Duff... (whispers) responsibly.Copy !req
17. Now, which one of you
is our designated driver?Copy !req
18. - (yelping)
- Twist off, damn it.Copy !req
19. I guess I'll be driving.Copy !req
20. Right this way to the Duff
designated drivers' rockin' fun zone.Copy !req
21. Rockin' fun zone?Copy !req
22. That sounds fun...Copy !req
23. I don't see the need for razor wire.Copy !req
24. Ooh, there's Ulysses S. Grant,Copy !req
25. Babe Ruth... (gasping) Ben Franklin.Copy !req
26. Early to bed... (hiccups) early to rise.Copy !req
27. (slurred) You think... You think you'reCopy !req
28. better than me? Huh?Copy !req
29. Ee...Copy !req
30. OK, kids, who wants to seeCopy !req
31. what it's like to get drunk?Copy !req
32. Ooh! Ooh! Uh, uh, uh!Copy !req
33. Whoa, whoa, whoa!Copy !req
34. Now you're charming.Copy !req
35. You don't know me.Copy !req
36. This guy here...Copy !req
37. This is the guy. (laughing and groaning)Copy !req
38. All right,
Springfield, belly upCopy !req
39. for the Duff Beer-Tender
of the Year Contest.Copy !req
40. - (all cheering)
- Now, fresh from his appearanceCopy !req
41. before the House Subcommittee
on Teenage Alcoholism,Copy !req
42. Duffman!Copy !req
43. Are you ready for some Duff love?Copy !req
44. - (all cheering)
- All right!Copy !req
45. Today we're going to find out
which of these bartendersCopy !req
46. has the right stuff to dispense Duff.Copy !req
47. From the Green Potato Pub at
O'Hare International Airport,Copy !req
48. - Michael Finn.
- (all cheering)Copy !req
49. From Juggernauts in Hollywood, California,Copy !req
50. - Titania.
- (raucous cheering)Copy !req
51. And now, the local lug who fills your mugCopy !req
52. with the drug you chug. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
53. Give it up for Moe Szyslak.Copy !req
54. Hello, Springfield, how you...Copy !req
55. Whoo-hoo-hoo!Copy !req
56. OK, our first event
qualifies for course creditCopy !req
57. at Dartmouth College,Copy !req
58. Trick Pouring.Copy !req
59. That spells Duff.Copy !req
60. Go, Moe! Boo, everyone else!Copy !req
61. I think we know who wins this round,Copy !req
62. - Titania!
- (cheering and applause)Copy !req
63. Duff beer is brewed from hops, barleyCopy !req
64. and sparkling clear mountain what?Copy !req
65. - (buzzes)
- Goat.Copy !req
66. - Close enough.
- (cheering and applause)Copy !req
67. Ah! You can really taste the goat.Copy !req
68. Now, our final roundCopy !req
69. which counts for 98% of the total score,Copy !req
70. making the previous rounds
a complete waste.Copy !req
71. Don't forget, today's winner will be
immortalized on our new Duff calendar.Copy !req
72. All right, guys, one, two, three...Copy !req
73. "Moo?"Copy !req
74. Lenny, you were supposed to be "E."Copy !req
75. See what happens when you skip rehearsal?Copy !req
76. All right, bartenders, toss your drunks!Copy !req
77. (grunts) And stay out!Copy !req
78. Ew! You said if I slept with you,Copy !req
79. I wouldn't have to touch the drunk.Copy !req
80. Duffman says a lot of things. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
81. And the winner, Moe szyslak!Copy !req
82. Aw, that's great. Thank you, thanks a lot.Copy !req
83. Uh, I just want to say thatCopy !req
84. it was an honor for me to competeCopy !req
85. with the Mick and the chick
with the rack there.Copy !req
86. - Yeah, all right, Moe!
- That's my Moo!Copy !req
87. And now, to take
your official calendar portraitCopy !req
88. Duff's vice-president in charge
of calenders and fake I.D.s.Copy !req
89. Phil Angelides.Copy !req
90. - both: Ugh!
- That's a mug you don't want to chug.Copy !req
91. Knock it off, Larry.
We can't put this face on our calendar.Copy !req
92. When I get home, there are going to be
a lot of open pickle jars.Copy !req
93. That one.Copy !req
94. Kids, would you like a balloon?Copy !req
95. Yeah, right, Mom. Then I'd like
a rattle and a wowwipop.Copy !req
96. Actually, I would like a wowwipop.Copy !req
97. Those balloons won't biodegrade
for 10,000 years.Copy !req
98. And if Bart gets a wowwipop,
I want a wowwipop.Copy !req
99. Ah, Maggie wants a balloonCopy !req
100. and daddy will take a hand
stamp so he can get back in.Copy !req
101. - (groaning)
- Just kidding.Copy !req
102. Remember my face.Copy !req
103. Oh, boy! Uh... (groans)Copy !req
104. - (groans)
- Moe, the new Duff calendars are out,Copy !req
105. the ones with your picture!Copy !req
106. Oh, boy! Move over, liquor license.Copy !req
107. Hey, Moe, this license expired in 1973,Copy !req
108. uh, and it's only good in Rhode Island,
and it's signed by you.Copy !req
109. Yeah, yeah, I've been meaning to get
that updated, uh, for this state and real.Copy !req
110. Now, let's see the poster boy
for the new Moe-lennium.Copy !req
111. They put a sticker over my face.Copy !req
112. Hey! "Viva La... Kiss..." What?Copy !req
113. Aw, for the love of Jeff!Copy !req
114. - Ugh... Oh! Am I really that ugly?
- Moe, it's all relative.Copy !req
115. - Is Lenny really that dumb?
- (gasps)Copy !req
116. Is Barney that drunk?Copy !req
117. Is Homer that lazy, bald and fat?Copy !req
118. Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought.Copy !req
119. See, this is why I don't talk much.Copy !req
120. I can't believe they put
those stickers over my face.Copy !req
121. (sighs) I must be the ugliest man alive.Copy !req
122. Oh, Moe, there's lots of people
uglier than you.Copy !req
123. Like, you ever been to White Castle?Copy !req
124. Oh, boy, Pigtown, U.S.A.Copy !req
125. Aw, come on, look at me, I'm a gargoyle.
What with the cauliflower earCopy !req
126. - there and the lizard lips...
- Little rat eyes.Copy !req
127. - Caveman brow.
- Don't forget that fish mouth.Copy !req
128. OK! I get it. I ain't pleasant to look at.Copy !req
129. - Or listen to.
- Or be with.Copy !req
130. Come on, Moe, don't feel bad.Copy !req
131. There's too much emphasis
on looks these days.Copy !req
132. That's why they won't let Bill Maher on TV
before midnight.Copy !req
133. Hey, Moe, if you're
tired of being an eyesoreCopy !req
134. Why not get some plastic surgery?Copy !req
135. Plastic surgery, huh?Copy !req
136. Yeah, maybe they can dynamite Mount
Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser.Copy !req
137. Oh, I don't know. Plastic surgery might
make you look good on the outside,Copy !req
138. but you still might
feel bad on the inside.Copy !req
139. But I'd look good on the outside, right?Copy !req
140. Yeah, but you'd feel bad inside.Copy !req
141. Plastic surgery it is!Copy !req
142. Carl Carlson, you just saved my life.Copy !req
143. - (cash register ringing)
- Hey! Get out of there.Copy !req
144. - (gurgling happily)
- Look at her.Copy !req
145. It must be great to be a baby
and be so easily amused.Copy !req
146. Yeah, I wish I could be entertainedCopy !req
147. by two cents' worth of rubberCopy !req
148. shaped like some colorful animalCopy !req
149. dancing and twirling...
Dancing and twirling...Copy !req
150. - Hey! Give me that!
- (grunting) That's mine!Copy !req
151. The door!Copy !req
152. Oh, no!Copy !req
153. OK, don't panic, I'll get the bikes.Copy !req
154. I hope they're hover bikes.Copy !req
155. Oh, man, that would be so awesome.Copy !req
156. Mm-hmm... Yeah.Copy !req
157. Hmm...Copy !req
158. Hmm...Copy !req
159. It's hopeless, ain't it?Copy !req
160. No, no, no, I love a challenge.Copy !req
161. First, we must install buttocks.Copy !req
162. Nah, nah, nah,
no luxury items, just a face.Copy !req
163. OK, I'm going to move this up, this wider.Copy !req
164. We're going to lose that.Copy !req
165. I've never even seen one of these.Copy !req
166. Can the medical mumbo jumbo.Copy !req
167. - Can you fix me or not?
- Well, we'll see.Copy !req
168. You know, most faces
need a little remodeling,Copy !req
169. but this is a total tear-down.Copy !req
170. Let me clean up this mess I made.Copy !req
171. Hey, hey! Hey, that really burns there!Copy !req
172. Oh, stop it, you're worse
than Faye Dunaway.Copy !req
173. (Bart grunting) We've got to get closer.Copy !req
174. Oh, I'm trying!Copy !req
175. Can't I get on your shoulders?Copy !req
176. I'm not riding a girl's bike.Copy !req
177. Hey, it's getting away!
Step on it! Hyah! Hyah!Copy !req
178. - Stop kicking me!
- Hyah!Copy !req
179. Oh, boy! What a mug!Copy !req
180. Yeah. You should see his genitals.Copy !req
181. Would you like to see them?Copy !req
182. I'm awake here.Copy !req
183. Uh-oh. This isn't anesthetic.
It's new car smell.Copy !req
184. Oh, sorry, Doctor.Copy !req
185. It's going into that building!Copy !req
186. Nice suit, Jeeves.Copy !req
187. Daddy, I'm stealing! I'm stealing!Copy !req
188. Oh, that's my little dude.Copy !req
189. We need a symbol. Something that says
we're gay and Republican.Copy !req
190. A little on the nose, don't you think?Copy !req
191. (panting) Excuse me.Copy !req
192. We just came to get our balloon.Copy !req
193. Here you go. And have a bumper sticker.Copy !req
194. Thank you.Copy !req
195. "A Gay President in 2084"?Copy !req
196. We're realistic.Copy !req
197. Hurry. Hurry up! I have to pee!Copy !req
198. - Beautiful.
- OK, now do Moe.Copy !req
199. Well, Moe, now we seeCopy !req
200. if you go on my wall of fameCopy !req
201. or my blooper reel.
- Oh...Copy !req
202. Oh...Copy !req
203. - (both gasping)
- What? I'm a monster, right?Copy !req
204. I knew it. I guess I'll just crawl back
to live in the sewer,Copy !req
205. periodically emerging to sue you.Copy !req
206. (gasps) Is that me?Copy !req
207. Oopsie! We've got some leakage.Copy !req
208. Let me just cauterize that for you.Copy !req
209. - Bye, Moe.
- Don't be a stranger, handsome.Copy !req
210. Bye-bye.Copy !req
211. Homer, did you hear that?Copy !req
212. She called me handsome. Me!Copy !req
213. It's like I've gone to heaven.Copy !req
214. Wait a minute. I died on
the operating table, didn't I?Copy !req
215. (laughing) Yeah, but just for a minute.Copy !req
216. It's a funny story.
I'll tell you sometime.Copy !req
217. So this is all real?Copy !req
218. Oh, you dear, dear man.Copy !req
219. You're one of us beautiful people now.Copy !req
220. And your new life begins today.Copy !req
221. A new life.Copy !req
222. A second chance... for revenge.Copy !req
223. That brown patch needs a little H2O!Copy !req
224. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
225. Hey, Duffman, let's see
how you like a stickerCopy !req
226. on your face! Yeah!Copy !req
227. Duffman can't breathe!Copy !req
228. Oh, no! Ooh!Copy !req
229. - Hello.
- Yeah, hello, yourself.Copy !req
230. I'm Moe Syzslak. Back in high school,Copy !req
231. I asked you to the Springtime
Pumpkin Dance and you turned me down.Copy !req
232. Well, I just wanted to show you the faceCopy !req
233. - that you could have been kissing.
Yeah!Copy !req
234. Oh, I was just a stupid kid back thenCopy !req
235. and I feel terrible about hurting you.Copy !req
236. Will you accept my apology?Copy !req
237. Apology?Copy !req
238. Uh... Geez, I wasn't expecting that. Uh...Copy !req
239. Run!Copy !req
240. Man, that felt great!Copy !req
241. OK, last stop, Channel Six.Copy !req
242. You going to get even with that lottery
guy that never picks our numbers?Copy !req
243. Nah, nah, nah. This is personal.Copy !req
244. It all goes back to my acting days.Copy !req
245. I was auditioning for the role
of Dr. Tad WinslowCopy !req
246. on the hit soap, It Never Ends.Copy !req
247. - Angela, I'm afraid I—
- Thank you. Next!Copy !req
248. - What were you thinking?
- Well, you said you wanted "gritty."Copy !req
249. In other words, "ugly."Copy !req
250. I wanted "Mary Ann
on Gilligan's Island" uglyCopy !req
251. not "Cornelius on
The Planet of the Apes" ugly.Copy !req
252. "TV" ugly, not "ugly" ugly.Copy !req
253. I've been called ugly,
pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly,Copy !req
254. but never ugly ugly.Copy !req
255. Well, it's time to get some closure.Copy !req
256. Extreme closure.Copy !req
257. But I've been Dr. Tad Winslow
for 25 years.Copy !req
258. It's time I got a raise.Copy !req
259. Oh, shut up, you windy, old hack.Copy !req
260. And another thing. You have
to stop calling me that.Copy !req
261. Remember me? Twenty-five years ago,Copy !req
262. you said I was too ugly
to play Dr. Tad Winslow.Copy !req
263. I did? Well, that's why
pencils have erasers, hon.Copy !req
264. You're our new Dr. Tad Winslow.Copy !req
265. Really? You mean it?Copy !req
266. But there can't be two Dr. Tad Winslows.Copy !req
267. That's going to... Oh.Copy !req
268. I've been waiting
all my life for this moment.Copy !req
269. - (laughing)
- Homer, whoa, whoa, Homer.Copy !req
270. Change of plans.Copy !req
271. Whatever.Copy !req
272. Like the cleaning of a house,Copy !req
273. It Never Ends.Copy !req
274. With Gabriella DeFarge
as Gabriella St. FargeCopy !req
275. Allegra Hamilton as Sister Bernadette
and Roxy Monoxide.Copy !req
276. And as Dr. Tad Winslow,Copy !req
277. Moe Szyslak.Copy !req
278. I don't know if I'll be able to accept MoeCopy !req
279. as Dr. Tad Winslow.Copy !req
280. Well, I'm going to keep watchingCopy !req
281. as long as they have shocking story twistsCopy !req
282. and endless pillow talk.Copy !req
283. Cleo, Cleo...Copy !req
284. You've brought music to my heart,Copy !req
285. but this relationship can never work.Copy !req
286. I'm a doctor and you're
a 5,000-year-old mummyCopy !req
287. I brought back to life.Copy !req
288. But I love you, Tad.Copy !req
289. And together, we can burn
all the cities of the Earth.Copy !req
290. It's against
hospital regulations, damn it!Copy !req
291. And Clive Dancer's
just waiting for me to slip up.Copy !req
292. So, Lenny, how are things working outCopy !req
293. with you and that girl next door?Copy !req
294. Ah, it's over. She got a window shade.Copy !req
295. Wha...
- Whoa, whoa,Copy !req
296. if you must grope me, ladies.Copy !req
297. Please, a little softer.Copy !req
298. (chuckles) OK, now, harder.Copy !req
299. Hey, there are women in our bar.Copy !req
300. Hey, Moe, beer me.Copy !req
301. I'm a little busy, Homer.Copy !req
302. Uh, you can pour it yourself.Copy !req
303. Hmm. This isn't nearly as complicated
as Moe made it seem.Copy !req
304. I didn't bring you back to lifeCopy !req
305. so you could make
a fool of me at the club!Copy !req
306. You don't love me!Copy !req
307. The only thing you love isCopy !req
308. your ear, nose and throat pavilion.Copy !req
309. I've dedicated my life
to diseases of the head hole,Copy !req
310. but the one hole
I've never been able to fixCopy !req
311. is the one in my soul!Copy !req
312. That was amazing, Moe.Copy !req
313. I'm actually a little turned on.Copy !req
314. Yeah. Hey, I got a gift.Copy !req
315. As a child, I was bitten
by the acting bug.Copy !req
316. Then it burrowed under my skin
and laid eggs in my heart.Copy !req
317. Now those eggs are hatching, and I...Copy !req
318. The feeling is indescribable.Copy !req
319. I know what you mean. Our dog had that.Copy !req
320. - (knocking at door)
Excuse me.Copy !req
321. I got a delivery here for the producers.Copy !req
322. "Top Secret Storylines"?Copy !req
323. Uh, I'll sign for it.Copy !req
324. Eh, might as well have a little peek...Copy !req
325. Hmm... Hmm! Looks like my characterCopy !req
326. gets back together
with that evil Contessa.Copy !req
327. - The one with the amulet?
- Precisely.Copy !req
328. Then I get in a skydiving accidentCopy !req
329. and have to be rushed to the... graveyard?Copy !req
330. They're killing off Dr. Tad Winslow!Copy !req
331. What? Let me see that.Copy !req
332. "Interior coroner's office.Copy !req
333. Close-up on Dr. Winslow's mangled corpse.Copy !req
334. "Let's get
that brain out and weighedCopy !req
335. and call it a day."Copy !req
336. Yep. That does sound kind of bad.Copy !req
337. Well, if they're going
to stomp on my dreams,Copy !req
338. the least I can do is go out
in a blaze of sour grapes.Copy !req
339. I never used to trust you, Contessa,Copy !req
340. but now you seem so nice.Copy !req
341. Why don't we celebrate
your newfound trust in meCopy !req
342. by taking a skydiving lesson?Copy !req
343. Well, how could I say no
to such a captivating—Copy !req
344. Ding dong.
- Whoa! It's the door!Copy !req
345. (ghostly voice) Dr. Winslow.Copy !req
346. Why, who are you?Copy !req
347. I am an angel from the future.Copy !req
348. - Angel?
- What the fudge?Copy !req
349. - Should I cut him off?
- No. Let's see where this is going.Copy !req
350. And what do you have to tell
us, oh, angel of the future?Copy !req
351. You're going to die
in a skydiving accident.Copy !req
352. How tragic! Tell me more.Copy !req
353. Gabriella's baby shower
will be invaded by terrorists,Copy !req
354. with sexy results.Copy !req
355. Ooh, that's unexpected. What else?Copy !req
356. Well, Sister Bernadette
will leave the conventCopy !req
357. and start a softball team,Copy !req
358. with sexy results.Copy !req
359. What's Dad doing on the show?Copy !req
360. Who cares? He's dishing out the dirt.Copy !req
361. And only then do we find out
that Professor Gallaway's half-sisterCopy !req
362. is plotting to take over
International Perfume and Wine.Copy !req
363. Ah! He just gave away
a year's worth of story lines!Copy !req
364. Cut him off... now.Copy !req
365. - Yeah.
- Yes!Copy !req
366. What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
367. Sticking it to you
for killing off my character!Copy !req
368. - (laughing) Whoo!
- Yeah!Copy !req
369. You idiot! Dr. Winslow was
only going to die in a dream.Copy !req
370. - What?
- Pink pages always mean a dream.Copy !req
371. I thought dreams was on goldenrod.Copy !req
372. No. Goldenrod is for coma fantasies.Copy !req
373. I see.Copy !req
374. So, uh... what time tomorrow?Copy !req
375. Escort these men out... now.Copy !req
376. Get your hands off me. Get off!Copy !req
377. I don't need your stinking show, anyway.Copy !req
378. With a mug like this,
I can get on any soap in Springfield.Copy !req
379. Ahhh...Copy !req
380. Oh! Oh, my face!Copy !req
381. I'm not supposed to put weight on it!Copy !req
382. - (all gasping)
- What? What?Copy !req
383. - Sorry about your face, Moe.
- Nah, it's just as well.Copy !req
384. That handsome face was nice,
but it was too much maintenance.Copy !req
385. I had to wash it,
rub it with Neat's foot oil.Copy !req
386. You did me a favor, HomerCopy !req
387. And to think I was about
to sell the bar to hooters.Copy !req
388. Yeah. You were... D'oh!Copy !req
389. Well, I guess that wraps it up.Copy !req
390. Hey, there's one thing
I don't get, though.Copy !req
391. When my face was crushed,Copy !req
392. why'd it go back to my old face?Copy !req
393. I mean, shouldn't it have turned into some
kind of third faceCopy !req
394. that was different?Copy !req
395. (chuckles) It don't make no...Copy !req
396. - (murmuring)
- Shh.Copy !req
397. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
398. Captioned by
Visual Data Media ServicesCopy !req