The Simpsons 11x12

Directed by Michael Polcino

Tress MacNeille as Ms. Dare / Gwen / Homer's Cousin's Wife (voice) • Britney Spears as Britney Spears (voice) • Tress MacNeille as Nurse (voice)

Worried about his health, Mr. Burns visits the Mayo Clinic. He lets Homer housesit his mansion, which leads of course to an offshore knife fight and an attack by Chinese pirates.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. D'oh! (screams)

2. Hello! I'm Kent Brockman.

3. And I'm teen sensation, Britney Spears.

4. And I'm Kent Brockman.

5. With Britney Spears!

6. And we're here to present the...

7. - ... sixty-fifth... - ... Annual...

8. - ... Spring... - ... Field...

9. - ... Pride A- - wards.

10. Tonight, we'll be recognizing

11. outstanding members

12. - of... - The...

13. Springfield community!

14. This is my year, Marge.

15. Everyone knows I'm what makes this city great!

16. I don't know. There's a lot of buzz

17. around Lenny.

18. Our first Springfield Pride Award

19. goes to a local legend.

20. A man who brings laughter and joy

21. to the children of Springfield.

22. With his big red nose and baggy pants...

23. Krusty the Clown! - Hey, hey!

24. - (applause) - What?

25. - Who are you? - Seat filler.

26. Aw...

27. Everyone gets an award, but me.

28. I can't help it if I donated the most blood.

29. Oh, I'm feeling kind of woozy. (groans)

30. Oh, why won't anyone give me an award?

31. You won a Grammy.

32. I mean an award that's worth winning.

33. You know, Kent, in today's youth-obsessed culture,

34. we sometimes forget that older people are still alive.

35. I told ya!

36. Well, sorry!

37. And that's why our final award honors a man

38. who's lived in Springfield for 108 years.

39. Our oldest resident,

40. - Cornelius Chapman! - (applause)

41. Cornelius Chapman built the first log cabin

42. in Springfield

43. and introduced the toothbrush

44. - to our fair city. - (people exclaiming)

45. For years, he was Springfield's

46. only basketball player,

47. but he still managed

48. - to entertain the crowd. - (cheering)

49. In the market crash of 1929,

50. he helped people jump out of windows to avoid disgrace.

51. You're doing the right thing.

52. Oh-oh, out you go!

53. - Oh! - (chuckling)

54. My! You're a big one!

55. No-no. No turning back now.

56. Off a tall building! That's a great way to do it!

57. And in 1935, our honoree

58. took a bullet for Huey Long.

59. - No! - (groans)

60. And now, Springfield's oldest citizen...

61. He is, like, totally venerable.

62. - Cornelius Chapman! - (applause)

63. - Mwah! - (gagging)

64. Well, guess we should've

65. expected that.

66. Well, this award has to go to somebody.

67. Would everyone, who is 60 or older, please stand up?

68. Over 80?

69. Ninety?

70. One hundred years old?

71. Homer, sit down!

72. - What's that, sonny? - (growling)

73. Well, this is all so sudden.

74. Ah! Don't give me that kiss of death,

75. you black widow!

76. Argh! Ah! Boy, he didn't want to let go of that!

77. OK, let's see. I don't have a speech prepared,

78. but, uh...

79. Abracadaver!

80. "Thank you all so much.

81. I love Springfield

82. from the cuddliest infant to the...

83. (whispering) puppies, patriotism...

84. bluebirds."

85. I'm not reading this drivel.

86. This speech is over.

87. Well, that was a great night for us all!

88. That's not an award.

89. That's part of the set.

90. Nothing you can say will diminish this honor.

91. (sighs) Now that I'm

92. the town's oldest man, I'm starting to realize

93. I'm not a young man anymore!

94. I'll have to start taking better care of myself.

95. You know, I haven't had a medicine-o checkup in ages.

96. Sir, you deserve the finest doctors in the world.

97. I'm taking you to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.

98. Very well, but I'll need someone to watch my house.

99. Who's that fella who always screws up and creates havoc?

100. Homer Simpson, sir?

101. Yes! The way I figure it,

102. he's due for a good performance.

103. Now, if the house catches fire, I want you to call this number.

104. Uh-huh. The fire department.

105. Yes. They're new, but they're good.

106. Sir, we should get going.

107. Don't worry about a thing.

108. We'll take good care of your house.

109. Look at me!

110. I'm a billionaire!

111. I forgot my...

112. Good Lord!

113. This bedroom is as big as our house.

114. And the bed never needs to be made.

115. Check it out.

116. Hmm. Seems a little wasteful.

117. Wasteful and practical.

118. A mechanical dressing dealy.

119. Watch this, Marge.

120. Oh! Oh! Ow! Oh, no! Oh!

121. Now I'm ready to hit the town.

122. Hmm.

123. - Close that door. - (Bart screams)

124. Wow! He's got every Nancy Drew.

125. Even the controversial Clue In The Clock.

126. Tsk-tsk-tsk, so many swears.

127. I'm Al Unser Jr.!

128. - I'm Princess Margaret! - (horse neighing)

129. I'm drunk!

130. It's nothing serious. Just lay off the chili

131. - and you should be fine. - (laughing)

132. Don't you laugh, Fidel. I've been in the car with you.

133. Let's see. Social security number:

134. Naught-naught-naught... Naught-naught...

135. Naught-naught-naught-two.

136. (whispers) Damn Roosevelt!

137. Cause of parents' death, got in my way.

138. Mom, Bart's making faces at me!

139. - I think. - Look how loud I have to yell!

140. This all seems a little elaborate for sloppy joes.

141. Hmm. I know what the other 11 forks are for,

142. but what do you do with this one?

143. Why, Marge, I believe

144. you're supposed to scratch your ass with it.

145. Homer, watch your lang—

146. Oh! That's a lifesaver!

147. Man, this is living!

148. Hmm. Stop that!

149. Cigars are for rich people and legendary comedians,

150. like Bill Crosby and David Letterson.

151. Oops! Forgot to swirl it.

152. Homer, did you jimmy open Mr. Burns's liquor cabinet?

153. "Jimmy" is such an ugly word, Marge,

154. Unless you're talking about Jimmy Smits.

155. But house-sitting is a sacred... Hey!

156. Stop swirling, Homer.

157. Listen, I worked long and hard for this place,

158. and no one's going to take it away from me.

159. Not you, not its rightful owner,

160. not anybody.

161. And another thing, if I ev—

162. Operator, get me Thailand.

163. T-I... And so on.

164. Homer, who are you calling?

165. Everybody. I found Burnsy's address book.

166. I called the New York Yankees and told them to bunt.

167. And then I called the Queen of England and asked her

168. how it was going. And then, I—

169. Well, don't run up Mr. Burns' phone bill.

170. Just a second, Marge. Hello, Thailand?

171. How's everything on your end?

172. Uh-huh. That's some language you got there.

173. And you talk like that 24/7, huh? Hey!

174. Homer, you've got to stop pretending this is your house.

175. You're not a billionaire.

176. Geez, way to burst my bubble, Marge.

177. All I'm saying is don't get too comfortable.

178. Mr. Burns will be back tomorrow.

179. Marge, you're right.

180. We do have to have a party.

181. Party? No. No parties.

182. What about "partays"?

183. No partays, no shindigs,

184. no keggers, no hootenannies,

185. no mixers, no raves,

186. - no box socials. - Damn!

187. And I looked so good on that bike.

188. Now, doctor, I want you to test me

189. for everything... Every disease on this chart.

190. Fine. We'll just start by drawing some blood.

191. Well, isn't that odd? It's like poking

192. - through meringue. - Oh, try this arm.

193. I saw some blood in there the other day.

194. Come on, keep blowing.

195. OK, 12 centimeters. Excellent!

196. I'm a big boy!

197. - There's your problem. - (growls)

198. Having a party, Moe. I'll need four kegs

199. of your finest imported-sounding beer.

200. How about Tuborg, the beer of Danish kings?

201. Mm! Danish.

202. Now, you know I can't sell you no beer till 2:00 p.m.

203. on account of it's Sunday.

204. Huh? If you can't sell beer,

205. what are Lenny and Carl doing here?

206. Huh? Oh, we're just watching the sun move across the sky.

207. When it gets to here, we can drink again.

208. But I need that beer now.

209. Sorry, 2:00 p.m.

210. Or you can steal a boat

211. and sail out to international waters.

212. - Huh! - What's that, a theme park?

213. No. The ocean.

214. Once you get 12 miles out,

215. there's no laws. That's where they held

216. the Tyson-Secretariat fight.

217. He-he. They were so drunk.

218. Gentlemen, get off your knees.

219. Your rich uncle, Homer,

220. is throwing the wildest Box Social

221. the high seas have ever seen!

222. And you're invited.

223. Yeah! All right!

224. Oh, no, you don't.

225. I'm not going to let you trash Mr. Burns' yacht.

226. Marge, you know I normally listen to you,

227. but I got to seize this opportunity...

228. Just in case I never become a real billionaire.

229. Oh, Homie, I don't care if you're a billionaire.

230. - I love you because... - Hey, there's another way

231. - to get on the boat! - Whoo-hoo!

232. Propellers... spinning!

233. Turn... left!

234. Boat go... there!

235. Don't worry, Mom. I'm sure he'll be OK.

236. The boat's going sideways.

237. Chips ahoy! - (all cheering)

238. Well done, Mr. Lenny! Well done.

239. Homer, have we hit international waters yet?

240. Because, uh, things are getting real ugly.

241. I can't sell you beer till we cross the line!

242. Legally, you could give us free beer.

243. Ow!

244. Could you give us rubbing alcohol

245. for our wounds?

246. Hey. Ha-ha-ha. Sucker!

247. Ow!

248. We made it, son!

249. International waters,

250. the land that law forgot.

251. Yee-haw!

252. Yahoo!

253. Wow, you can do anything out here!

254. That's right.

255. See that ship over there?

256. They're rebroadcasting

257. major league baseball with implied

258. oral consent. Not expressed written consent.

259. Or so the legend goes.

260. Darr... I now pronounce ya...

261. man and cow.

262. Please accept these

263. illegal fireworks

264. with my blessing.

265. (chuckling) Yarr...

266. There are no laws.

267. We can do anything we want. Anything.

268. Ow! Ow!

269. Oh, real mature, Lenny.

270. Well, doc, I think I did pretty well on my tests.

271. You may shake my hand if you like.

272. Well, under the circumstances, I'd rather not.

273. - Eh? - Mr. Burns I'm afraid

274. you are the sickest man in the United States.

275. You have everything.

276. - You mean I have pneumonia? - Yes.

277. - Juvenile diabetes? - Yes.

278. - Hysterical pregnancy? - A little bit, yes.

279. You also have several diseases

280. that have just been discovered... in you.

281. I see. You sure you just haven't made

282. thousands of mistakes?

283. Uh, no. No, I'm afraid not.

284. - This sounds like bad news. - Well, you'd think so,

285. but all of your diseases are in perfect balance.

286. I-If you have a moment, I can explain.

287. - Well! - Here's the door

288. to your body, you see?

289. And these are over-sized novelty germs.

290. Uh, that's influenza, that's bronchitis.

291. And this cute little cuddle bug Is pancreatic cancer.

292. Ah! Here's what happens when they all try

293. to get through the door at once.

294. Move it, chowderhead!

295. We call it "Three Stooges Syndrome."

296. So what you're saying is...

297. I'm indestructible.

298. Oh, no, no. In fact,

299. even a slight breeze could—

300. Indestructible.

301. Why are we cleaning this room?

302. I don't think we were even in here.

303. Honey, we want Mr. Burns to find this place

304. exactly the way he left it.

305. Look at those poor saps back on land

306. with their "laws and ethics."

307. They'll never know the simple joys

308. of a monkey knife fight.

309. Give it to him boy! Give it to him!

310. Thrust! Parry!

311. Stab, stab, stab, stab!

312. Oh, he ain't pretty no more.

313. - (ship bell ringing) - Hey, coast guard!

314. Try and stop us now,

315. You lousy Americans!

316. We can't hear you.

317. Come 300 feet closer.

318. Nice try. You're not gonna nail us.

319. But we just want to party.

320. Oh, really?

321. Then, play some rock music.

322. Come on, Bart. The coast guard's

323. covering the doo.

324. Who's the greatest billionaire in the world?

325. You are!

326. Looks like another homosexual party boat.

327. They always have such nice things.

328. Perhaps we should pay them a visit.

329. A deadly visit?

330. Well, let's play it by ear.

331. (shrieks) Pirates!

332. Are you friendly pirates?

333. Uh, not really. No.

334. Then what have you done with my party guests?

335. They got my bus pass.

336. They got my bus pass!

337. Whoa! They're poking every nook and cranny.

338. Well, every cranny, anyway.

339. So far, the nook is relatively...

340. Oh, no! No, it isn't!

341. Set a course for hidden pirate island...

342. a.k.a. Hong Kong.

343. Aye, aye, Captain.

344. Help! Pirates!

345. Navy SEALs are on the way.

346. Oh, bless you!

347. How about a tactical nuclear strike?

348. Oh, that would be just...

349. Oh! You're just yanking my chain, aren't you?

350. Perhaps this foghorn will answer your question.

351. Enough! Get in the net.

352. I don't want to!

353. Aha! Prepare to die!

354. You, too.

355. (yelling painfully) Rope burns!

356. Ooh, ooh, Charley horse! Charley horse!

357. My mouth! (groaning weakly)

358. In the net, right?

359. Some party, Homer!

360. Shut up, net face.

361. Hey, you're in the net, too.

362. I said, "Shut up, net face."

363. Aw, we're going to die, and I never tasted cantaloupe.

364. Ah, you didn't miss much.

365. Honeydew is the money melon.

366. And now, we will cut you loose.

367. For liability purposes,

368. it is the ocean that will kill you, not us.

369. Hey, what do you know? It floats.

370. That was my plan all along.

371. Now, relax and the currents will take us home.

372. What about the people on the bottom?

373. They're the greatest heroes of all.

374. Hey, something's clawing at my leg.

375. OK, it stopped.

376. It looks great! I can't believe we scrubbed

377. that old-man smell out of 137 rooms.

378. Smithers, old chum, there's nothing like coming home

379. with a clean bill of health.

380. Oh, and sorry about your news.

381. - Thank you, sir. - Do they know how many eggs

382. it laid in your brain?

383. I prefer not to know.

384. Frankly, one is too many.

385. Ugh!

386. The foul stench of youth.

387. Well, let's see. Ming vase on narrow column

388. not knocked down.

389. Priceless coins not used in vending machine.

390. Yes, not bad.

391. Uh, Mr. Burns,

392. pirates got your yacht!

393. What?

394. Well, I suppose some mishaps are unavoidable.

395. (gasping) Furious George!

396. What have they done to your beautiful face?

397. Oh... There, there.

398. Smithers, this monkey's going to need most of your skin.

399. Ah! It's good to be home.

400. I don't know. After living like a billionaire,

401. this place is kind of a dump.

402. Ah, it's not so bad.

403. Here we can spit on the floor.

404. Bart, stop that!

405. Now, we may not have antique furniture

406. or priceless artwork,

407. but we have everything we need right here.

408. That's right.

409. Just because we're not rich

410. doesn't mean that we don't have...

411. Oh, I can't even finish.

412. I want to be rich...

413. Like these guys!

414. And look at all these rich people here.

415. Not as rich as they should be, of course,

416. but still rich.

417. Look at all the big money.

418. Look at all the names got all the money...

419. and have lots of money.

420. Oh, he's bored.

421. But look at all the other people.

422. Oh! Look at all the people who can buy and sell me.

423. I should send a list of these names to the I.R.S.

424. I'm taking them all down. (sobbing)

425. Oh, look at all the rich people.

426. - Oh! Oh, look at the rich. Shh!

427. Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

428. Captioned by Visual Data Media Services