1. D'oh!Copy !req
2. This Ghost Town
is going to be great.Copy !req
3. Now with 30%
more gunfights.Copy !req
4. And 40% more
rootin' tootin'.Copy !req
5. And the tumbleweeds tumble
at 2:00, 4:00 and 6:00Copy !req
6. plus a midnight tumbling
on weekends.Copy !req
7. It's so sweet of you to take
us out like this, Homie.Copy !req
8. Come on, kids, three cheers
for your father.Copy !req
9. - Hip-hip...
- Mom, don't.Copy !req
10. - Hip-hip...
- We heard you the first time.Copy !req
11. Hip-hip...Copy !req
12. Hey, I'm trying to drive here.Copy !req
13. Hey, Dad, that light says
"check engine."Copy !req
14. Uh-oh. Tape must
have fallen off.Copy !req
15. There. Problem solved.Copy !req
16. Oh, come on!Copy !req
17. Relax. She just needs
a little loving.Copy !req
18. Ah, they remembered
my birthday.Copy !req
19. Come on, come on, come on.Copy !req
20. Start, damn you.Copy !req
21. Start!Copy !req
22. Two hours?Copy !req
23. Why'd they build this
Ghost Town so far away?Copy !req
24. Because they discovered gold
right over there.Copy !req
25. It's because they're
stupid, that's why.Copy !req
26. That's why everybody
does everything.Copy !req
27. This should be
very educational.Copy !req
28. I want you kids
to pay attention.Copy !req
29. Founded by
prostitutes in 1849Copy !req
30. and serviced by
prostitute express ridersCopy !req
31. who could bring in
a fresh prostituteCopy !req
32. from St. Joe
in three daysCopy !req
33. Bloodbath Gulch quickly
became known as a placeCopy !req
34. where a trail hand could spend
a month's pay in three minutes.Copy !req
35. Three minutes?Copy !req
36. I never realized
history was so filthy.Copy !req
37. First on our tour
is the whorehouse.Copy !req
38. Then we'll visit
the cathouse,Copy !req
39. the brothel, the bordelloCopy !req
40. and finally,
the old mission.Copy !req
41. Oh, thank heaven.Copy !req
42. - Lots of prostitutes in there.Copy !req
43. But there was more to the old
west than just sex, folks.Copy !req
44. A lot more.Copy !req
45. If you look off to your left,Copy !req
46. you'll see a real old
west hitching postCopy !req
47. possibly used by banditsCopy !req
48. possibly during
some exciting adventure.Copy !req
49. And these planks below us
were often used as a sidewalkCopy !req
50. by people who may or may not
have been bandits.Copy !req
51. That's a keeper.Copy !req
52. Uh, yes, sir?Copy !req
53. Do we have
to listen to you?Copy !req
54. Well... No, you don'tCopy !req
55. but if you have
any interest in history...Copy !req
56. I'm done.Copy !req
57. Wow. Have you ever seen
so many robot cowboys?Copy !req
58. Hey, robot, get your fat
metal ass down here.Copy !req
59. First of all,
I'm not a robot.Copy !req
60. And second, I got this
metal ass in 'NamCopy !req
61. defending this country
for lazy jerks like you.Copy !req
62. Now what'll you have,
partner?Copy !req
63. Let's see. One, two, three...Copy !req
64. Six whiskeys.Copy !req
65. All right.Copy !req
66. We only serve sarsaparilla,
mac— no alcohol.Copy !req
67. Oh.Copy !req
68. - You can get drunk when we get home.
- Duh.Copy !req
69. Hey, these cards are marked.Copy !req
70. Now look what
you've done.Copy !req
71. I'm sorry. I don't know
what came over me.Copy !req
72. Let's forget this
whole thing happened.Copy !req
73. What the heck is this,
a tea party?Copy !req
74. Somebody kill somebody!Copy !req
75. What is it with you
and robots?Copy !req
76. Ooh, hello, sweet cheeks.Copy !req
77. Look who's a little cowgirl.Copy !req
78. Hey, Mom, look what I got.Copy !req
79. Oh, that's cute.Copy !req
80. Did you get it
in the souvenir shop?Copy !req
81. No, that security guard
is handing them out.Copy !req
82. Uh-oh. Better run
for cover, partners.Copy !req
83. Some varmints are
havin' a shoot-out.Copy !req
84. Yee-haw!Copy !req
85. You stole my prostitute!Copy !req
86. - Missed me!
- Die, yellow belly!Copy !req
87. Bang-bang!Copy !req
88. Which way is the gunfight?Copy !req
89. There's old Curly.Copy !req
90. He played the town preacher
until we laid him offCopy !req
91. but he still hangs around.Copy !req
92. Help me, please. I'm sick.Copy !req
93. Homer...Copy !req
94. But it's funny, Marge.Copy !req
95. The guy's sick.Copy !req
96. Uh, shouldn't we help him?Copy !req
97. He knows what he's doing.Copy !req
98. Ah! Can't get a good
sarsaparilla like thisCopy !req
99. back in Springfield.Copy !req
100. It angries up the blood.Copy !req
101. You like it, huh?Copy !req
102. Up yours!Copy !req
103. Can I go to the bathroom
before we leave?Copy !req
104. We've got
to get home.Copy !req
105. I don't want to miss
Inside the Actor's Studio.Copy !req
106. Tonight it's F. Murray Abraham.Copy !req
107. But I really need to...Copy !req
108. F... Murray... Abraham.Copy !req
109. There's a rest area.
Pull over.Copy !req
110. Can't stop now.Copy !req
111. We're making great time.Copy !req
112. Can I go behind a tree?Copy !req
113. What are you, an animal?Copy !req
114. Whoever keeps saying
"please stop" back there, better quit it.Copy !req
115. Wow. Get a load
of that toilet.Copy !req
116. Please go back.Copy !req
117. You can make it
my birthday present.Copy !req
118. We're almost home, Dad.Copy !req
119. Only a couple more times
over the horizon.Copy !req
120. But I might explode.Copy !req
121. You just sit
back and relax.Copy !req
122. I'm not going
to let anything happenCopy !req
123. to my old dad.Copy !req
124. Oh, dear god!Copy !req
125. This man's kidneys have exploded.Copy !req
126. There's nothing left.Copy !req
127. Oh, no.Copy !req
128. Yep, that's what happens
when you get older.Copy !req
129. It's one of those
natural things—Copy !req
130. Beautiful in its way.Copy !req
131. Uh, actually, his kidneys
were fine yesterdayCopy !req
132. When he had
his annual checkup.Copy !req
133. Excuse me, doctor.Copy !req
134. I think I know a little
something about medicine.Copy !req
135. Homer, with all due respectCopy !req
136. this X-ray reveals a textbook
kidney blowout—Copy !req
137. Which would explain
those loud pops you heard.Copy !req
138. So... you're saying
I don't need a new muffler?Copy !req
139. I don't feel so good.Copy !req
140. Maybe I ought
to eat something.Copy !req
141. Oh, I'm afraid your
eating days are over.Copy !req
142. Ohh...Copy !req
143. How long do
I have to live, doc?Copy !req
144. I'm amazed
you're alive now.Copy !req
145. Oh, I blame myself for this.Copy !req
146. We all blame you.Copy !req
147. Come on, doc,
there's got to beCopy !req
148. something I can do
to help my dad.Copy !req
149. Well, you could give him a kidney.Copy !req
150. A kidney?Copy !req
151. Okay, fine.Copy !req
152. You see, the waiting list
for a kidney is very long and...Copy !req
153. I said fine.Copy !req
154. What is it about the word
"sure" you don't understand?Copy !req
155. Oh, thank you, son.Copy !req
156. Mmm. I'll take the left one.Copy !req
157. It's good and springyCopy !req
158. though the right one's
not without its charms.Copy !req
159. Pork chops, sloppy joes,
hot dogs and pork chops.Copy !req
160. Well, Dr. Hibbert saidCopy !req
161. you have to build up
your strength.Copy !req
162. Besides, nothing's too goodCopy !req
163. for a wonderful,
generous man like you.Copy !req
164. Well, that's what I always
thought, but somehow...Copy !req
165. Check it out, Dad.Copy !req
166. I rented all your
favorite gorilla movies—Copy !req
167. Gorilla Squadron,
Gorilla Island Six.Copy !req
168. Apes-A-Poppin.Copy !req
169. Ooh, the airline version.Copy !req
170. Can I fluff your pillow?Copy !req
171. Nothing's too good for me.Copy !req
172. Ah, I'm the luckiest man
in the worldCopy !req
173. now that Lou Gehrig's dead.Copy !req
174. Well, I got to hand it
to you, Homer.Copy !req
175. You're really brave to go
through with this operation.Copy !req
176. It's not
an operation, Moe.Copy !req
177. The doctor says
it's just a procedure.Copy !req
178. No, no, no. Making polenta,
that's a procedure.Copy !req
179. You're talking about deadly,
life-threatening surgery here.Copy !req
180. Really?Copy !req
181. You think it's dangerous?Copy !req
182. Oh, yeah, and even if you
survive the operation...Copy !req
183. Procedure, deadly procedure.Copy !req
184. Whatever. The point is
with only one kidneyCopy !req
185. you won't be able to drink
yourself stupid no more.Copy !req
186. Now you're just trying to scare me.Copy !req
187. Plus, they'll put
you on one of thoseCopy !req
188. organ donor sucker lists.Copy !req
189. Everybody who wants an eyeballCopy !req
190. or a spine or a vestigial
tail will be after you.Copy !req
191. But I don't want that.Copy !req
192. Listen, I'm just going
to get right to the point here.Copy !req
193. Can I have your buttocks?Copy !req
194. I mean, if you die.Copy !req
195. They look pretty comfortable.Copy !req
196. Yeah, I guess.Copy !req
197. And, uh, are those
your original lips?Copy !req
198. Well, actually I...Copy !req
199. Hey, quit harvesting
me with your eyes.Copy !req
200. Oh, yeah, that would
look so good on me.Copy !req
201. Marge, I've been thinking.Copy !req
202. What if instead of donating
one of my old, worn-out kidneys,Copy !req
203. I gave grandpa that
artificial kidney I invented?Copy !req
204. Oh, Homer,
that was just a beer canCopy !req
205. with a whistle glued to it.Copy !req
206. Oh, but I don't want them
cutting up my soft, supple body.Copy !req
207. Why didn't somebody tell me
what I was volunteering for?Copy !req
208. This is everybody's fault
but mine.Copy !req
209. Oh, I know you're
scared, Homie,Copy !req
210. but remember why
you're doing this.Copy !req
211. It's for your father.Copy !req
212. The man who raised
you and nurtured you.Copy !req
213. Jack and Jill went
up the hill and...Copy !req
214. Jill came tumbling after.
The end. Good night.Copy !req
215. Is that the same Jack
from Jack and the Bean Stalk?Copy !req
216. You know, son, I believe it is.Copy !req
217. And Jack Sprat—
is that him, too?Copy !req
218. Sure, why not? Good night.Copy !req
219. Is he the same
as Jack be NimbleCopy !req
220. and Jack Frost
and little Jack Horner?Copy !req
221. Say, how about a little Nyquil?Copy !req
222. All gone.Copy !req
223. Oh, I love you, son.Copy !req
224. I owe Dad so much.Copy !req
225. Those bedtime stories began
my lifelong love affairCopy !req
226. with the printed word.Copy !req
227. Well, giving him a kidneyCopy !req
228. is a wonderful way
to show him how you feel.Copy !req
229. You're right, Marge.Copy !req
230. I'll do it, but if I die
during the operation,Copy !req
231. will you do
one thing for me?Copy !req
232. Oh, anything, sweetheart.Copy !req
233. Blow up the hospital.Copy !req
234. Hmm. Well...Copy !req
235. I said I'd do itCopy !req
236. So I guess I'll have to.Copy !req
237. That's my girl.Copy !req
238. Hmm.Copy !req
239. Doc Martens to podiatry...Copy !req
240. Liability waiver?Copy !req
241. Don't read it, just sign it.Copy !req
242. Yeah, but all these skulls
and crossbones on here...Copy !req
243. I don't usually sign stuff like that.Copy !req
244. It simply says you won't
hold us responsibleCopy !req
245. if you die as a result
of gross negligence.Copy !req
246. It's a standard form.Copy !req
247. Oh...Copy !req
248. I love you, son.Copy !req
249. I love you, Dad.Copy !req
250. Now, don't you fellas worry.Copy !req
251. This will all be over soon.Copy !req
252. And... What the...?Copy !req
253. We got to get rid of that window.Copy !req
254. Where'd he go?Copy !req
255. I can't imagine Dad
running away like this.Copy !req
256. Leaving his father to die?Copy !req
257. Even I wouldn't do that,
and I'm America's bad boy.Copy !req
258. It's a heart-breaking situation.Copy !req
259. Am I dead yet?Copy !req
260. No.Copy !req
261. How about now?Copy !req
262. - No.
- Now?Copy !req
263. I'll tell you when
you're dead, Grandpa.Copy !req
264. Thank you.Copy !req
265. Whew.Copy !req
266. I'm not worthy to live
among civilized people.Copy !req
267. Even those guys
look too civilized for me.Copy !req
268. I could live at sea.Copy !req
269. The sea forgives all—Copy !req
270. Not like those
mean old mountains.Copy !req
271. I hate them so much.Copy !req
272. The sea won't stand for this.Copy !req
273. Uh, excuse me.Copy !req
274. I'm fleeing in shame,
and I'd like to look my best.Copy !req
275. Um, can I be a mate on your ship?Copy !req
276. Preferably first mate.Copy !req
277. Well, if you look closelyCopy !req
278. you'll see this is a taffy shopCopy !req
279. shaped like a ship.Copy !req
280. Oh, I like taffy,
but I don't deserve taffy.Copy !req
281. Hey, hey!Copy !req
282. What?Copy !req
283. Krusty here to cheer you upCopy !req
284. as part of the hospital's
last laugh program.Copy !req
285. Last laugh?Copy !req
286. So, how about
that hospital food, huh?Copy !req
287. I wouldn't know.
I'm not allowed to eat.Copy !req
288. Okay, well, let's have a look
at the old chart.Copy !req
289. Oh, boy, ooh!Copy !req
290. Looks like we're
both short on time.Copy !req
291. So I'll go
to the big finish.Copy !req
292. Feel better.Copy !req
293. Come back, doctor.Copy !req
294. A tramp steamer, that's perfect.Copy !req
295. I'd like to apply
for a job— any job.Copy !req
296. If you don't have a captain,
I could be that.Copy !req
297. Argh. What other ships
have you been on?Copy !req
298. I've been on that one,
the Taffy Shop.Copy !req
299. Argh. Good enough.Copy !req
300. Welcome aboard...Copy !req
301. the Ship of Lost Souls.Copy !req
302. The name on the back
says Honeybunch.Copy !req
303. Arr. I've been meaning
to paint over that.Copy !req
304. Now, come and meet
the rest of the damned.Copy !req
305. Did I mention they're...Copy !req
306. lost souls?Copy !req
307. Well, actually you did.Copy !req
308. Argh...Copy !req
309. Ah, another lost soulCopy !req
310. has joined
our world-weary ensemble.Copy !req
311. Hey, who are you guys?Copy !req
312. Who are we? No one.Copy !req
313. Where are we sailing?Copy !req
314. Nowhere.Copy !req
315. Do we even exist?Copy !req
316. Who knows?Copy !req
317. Hey, let me off this thing.Copy !req
318. Oh, don't listen to him.Copy !req
319. - We exist all right.
- Whew!Copy !req
320. We wander the seven seas,
trying to forget.Copy !req
321. - Forget what?
- Oh, boy, here we go.Copy !req
322. My story of jilted love
is long and bittersweet.Copy !req
323. If anyone has to go
to the bathroom, go now.Copy !req
324. I don't want you walking
around during my story.Copy !req
325. My story's better, it has tigers.Copy !req
326. I was born into wretched poverty.Copy !req
327. So one day, I stole
a loaf of bread,Copy !req
328. put it in the freezer
until it was very hard,Copy !req
329. then robbed a bank with it.Copy !req
330. And when Mr. Dinkley
saw what I had doneCopy !req
331. I was banned
from the car wash forever.Copy !req
332. Forever? How awful.Copy !req
333. I would have killed Dinkley for that.Copy !req
334. As you can seeCopy !req
335. we're a contemptible lot of cadsCopy !req
336. bounders and tiger stabbers.Copy !req
337. Come, stranger—
join our circle of infamy.Copy !req
338. Tell us your story of Ennui.Copy !req
339. Well, back on land,
my name was Homer Simpson,Copy !req
340. and I guess it is here, too.Copy !req
341. I promised my dad
one of my kidneys,Copy !req
342. but I chickened out
at the last minuteCopy !req
343. and left him
on his deathbed.Copy !req
344. Good lord.Copy !req
345. Oh, how could you?Copy !req
346. I think I'm going to be sick.Copy !req
347. I stole this accordion
from a blind monkey,Copy !req
348. but you...!Copy !req
349. You disgust even me.Copy !req
350. Well, yeah, I know...Copy !req
351. That's the last time I trustCopy !req
352. the strangest people on Earth.Copy !req
353. Even the sea won't forgive me.Copy !req
354. That's the best sand castleCopy !req
355. we've ever built, Dad.Copy !req
356. We make a great team, son.Copy !req
357. Oh, I wish I had that kind
of relationship with my father...Copy !req
358. or my kids.Copy !req
359. Well, I guess it's up to me
to take the first step.Copy !req
360. - Hey!Copy !req
361. WOMAN (on P. A.):
Dr. Bombay, come right away.Copy !req
362. All right, this is it—
no more living in shame.Copy !req
363. I'm going to show my family
the kind of man I really am.Copy !req
364. All right, I'm going to...Copy !req
365. Aren't you going to give
him the last rites?Copy !req
366. That's Catholic, Marge.Copy !req
367. You might as well ask me
to do a voodoo dance.Copy !req
368. Dr. Hibbert, I thought you'd locatedCopy !req
369. another kidney for grandpa.Copy !req
370. Larry Hagman took it.Copy !req
371. He's got five of them now
and three hearts.Copy !req
372. We didn't want
to give them to him,Copy !req
373. but he overpowered us.Copy !req
374. Don't worry about old grandpa.Copy !req
375. I'm going to a better place...Copy !req
376. Shelbyville Hospital.Copy !req
377. Oh, who am I kidding?Copy !req
378. I'm a goner.Copy !req
379. No, you're not, Dad.Copy !req
380. - Dad!
Homer!Copy !req
381. Son!Copy !req
382. I'm sorry, Dad.Copy !req
383. The way I behaved
was shameful.Copy !req
384. I guess fear
made me run away...Copy !req
385. But love made me come back.Copy !req
386. Bless you, son.Copy !req
387. I knew you'd come through for me.Copy !req
388. Now, Homer, this may sting
just a tiny bit but...Copy !req
389. Oh, son of a...!Copy !req
390. Oh, dear.Copy !req
391. Whew! Boy, that—Copy !req
392. He's waking up.Copy !req
393. Oh, Homie, I'm so glad
you're all right.Copy !req
394. Try not to move, Dad.Copy !req
395. You swallowed a lot of motor oil.Copy !req
396. I'm sorry I ran off again.Copy !req
397. Oh, I guess Dad
must be dead by now.Copy !req
398. When I get betterCopy !req
399. and, after I build those
shelves for the kitchen...Copy !req
400. we'll visit his grave.Copy !req
401. Grave, nothing.Copy !req
402. I never felt more alive.Copy !req
403. Oh, boy, I shouldn't have done that.Copy !req
404. It's a miracle.Copy !req
405. You recovered.Copy !req
406. What?Copy !req
407. What?Copy !req
408. Hey.Copy !req
409. While we were setting
your broken bonesCopy !req
410. and putting your blood back inCopy !req
411. we helped ourselves to a kidneyCopy !req
412. and gave it to your father.Copy !req
413. You butcher, give it back!Copy !req
414. Give me that!Copy !req
415. Don't you dance
out that door, you—Copy !req
416. I'll get my kidney back, old man.Copy !req
417. You have to sleep sometime.Copy !req
418. I know you're a little peeved
at Grandpa, Dad.Copy !req
419. But you've done a wonderful thing.Copy !req
420. Yes, you've shortened
your life significantlyCopy !req
421. so someone else can have
a slight extension of theirs.Copy !req
422. Yeah, I guess you're right.Copy !req
423. Give me a hug.Copy !req
424. Ah...Copy !req
425. I don't need two kidneys.Copy !req
426. I have everything I need right here.Copy !req
427. Hmm.Copy !req
428. Dad, you're tickling me.Copy !req
429. Yes, tickling...Copy !req
430. Hmm?Copy !req
431. Shh.Copy !req
432. Captioned by
Visual Data Media ServicesCopy !req