The Simpsons 10x7

Directed by Bob Anderson

Maggie Roswell as Rod Flanders (voice) • Marcia Wallace as Edna Krabappel (voice) • Russi Taylor as Martin Prince (voice) • Pamela Hayden as Milhouse Van Houten (voice) • Maggie Roswell as Gavin's Mom / Miss Hoover / Helen Lovejoy (voice) • Tress MacNeille as Gavin / Saleswoman (voice)

Stuck at home with a cold, Lisa gets addicted to a video game and neglects her homework. Her A+++ on a test wins the school a grant, but when she confesses that she cheated, Skinner covers it up. Meanwhile, Homer raises a lobster.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. D-oh! (screams)

2. REV. And may we burn

3. in painful and foul-smelling fire

4. forever and ever.

5. A... men...

6. onite minister will be giving a guest sermon

7. next Sunday.

8. Go in peace.

9. A... (coughs)

10. Don't make me come up there.

11. - ... men. Whoo-hoo!

12. Let me outta here. The guy never stops talking.

13. - (stomach growling) - Oh.

14. I'm starving.

15. Mom, can we go catholic

16. so we can get communion wafers and booze?

17. No. No one's going catholic.

18. Three children is enough, thank you.

19. Hang in there, son. I'm taking us out

20. for our traditional Sunday brunch.

21. Idiot! He zinged you, Marge.

22. - (gasps) - Brunch is served.

23. I feel guilty coming here every Sunday

24. and never actually buying anything.

25. Why? We're following the rules.

26. If it has a toothpick in it, it's free.

27. - Hey. - (smacking)

28. Ah, this is my kind of aisle,

29. soy substitute, whiz-less cheese...

30. (gasps) Oven-roasted cud.

31. It's packed in its own drool.

32. Gavin, honey, help Mommy pick a cereal.

33. (gasps) How about alfalfa-bits?

34. Those suck.

35. I hate this store.

36. But, sweetheart, Mommy—

37. I hate you, too.

38. I want to live with one of my dads.

39. Mmm.

40. So you say this product is known as fudge?

41. Yes, just like it was last week.

42. If you're going to get snippy,

43. I'll take my business elsewhere.

44. Cherry Garcia? Yuck.

45. Honey Bono? Desmond Tutti Fruitti?

46. Ech.

47. Lisa, help Daddy find some normal flavors.

48. Candy Warhol?

49. Xavier Nougat?

50. Nah. Nothing made of dead guys.

51. What's in the back?

52. Hurry up! My hands are getting cold.

53. Oh, my goodness, Homer,

54. get her out of there!

55. Ohh!

56. Ugh. Sherbet Hoover?

57. Oh. We've got to get you home

58. to a warm blanket and a cold compress.

59. Whoo!

60. Those are eight dollars a pound, sport.

61. Hmm. Eight dollars a pound times

62. say, oh, five pounds is, umm...

63. Let's see.

64. How many pounds in a gallon?

65. Oh, I can't afford that.

66. (gasps) Unless...

67. (laughing) I told you I'm a financial genius.

68. I buy an eight-dollar lobster,

69. fatten it into an $80 lobster

70. and eat the profits.

71. Lobsters need saltwater.

72. I'm way ahead of you.

73. Dad, the fish.

74. Son, I'm still fine-tuning.

75. Eh-eh.

76. Uh-oh!

77. Eh-eh.

78. Perfect.

79. Oh, you don't sound so good.

80. We'd better get you some cold medicine.

81. No problem, I picked some up at the store!

82. Oh.

83. Oh, Homey,

84. you made breakfast.

85. Nothing's too good for my one and only.

86. Eat, eat. You're nothing but skin and bones.

87. Oh.

88. Oh, how are you feeling, sweetie?

89. (nasally voice) Much better.

90. Oh, my. You're burning up.

91. I'm going to tell the school you're staying home.

92. I'm afraid I can't allow that.

93. Lisa...

94. Mom, no, wait!

95. We can make a deal!

96. You don't have anything I want.

97. Ohh...

98. The ocean abounds

99. with fearsome creatures,

100. but none attacks its prey with more fury

101. than the seaweed shark.

102. The struggle is soon over.

103. Oh. You shouldn't be watching the learning channel.

104. You need to take it easy.

105. But I'm hardly learning at all.

106. Why don't you play with one of Bart's

107. video games instead?

108. Hugh Downs says they're the latest craze.

109. Foolish dingo, you must find and devour

110. the seven crystal babies,

111. or spend eternity trapped

112. in deep didgeri-doo!

113. I am so scared.

114. All right. I guess you're supposed

115. to go through this stupid door?

116. Hmm. I wonder what's in this glowing barrel.

117. What? Nunchuks? Those aren't even australian.

118. Oh, great. So I'm dead now.

119. Fine. I'm sick of this stupid game anyway.

120. Yes! I am just four power wands away

121. from an antigravity lozenge.

122. (gasps) Hope I don't run into that weird little troll.

123. Hi, Lisa.

124. No, pause, pause!

125. I brought your homework.

126. We have to read this.

127. The Wind In The Willows?

128. It's about a toad and a badger and a mole.

129. I drawed on mine. (chuckles)

130. Is this my house?

131. No. You live in a different house.

132. Choo-choo-choo, whoo, whoo!

133. Then I shall rule The Down Underverse!

134. We'll see about that, mate.

135. Okay, together we weigh 300 pounds.

136. According to my driver's license,

137. I weigh 140 pounds.

138. That means that you weigh, ohh...

139. 160 pounds.

140. Oh-ho-ho! You're doing great.

141. No, no!

142. Yep! That's it! Bite, bite, bite!

143. - (knock at door) Lisa?

144. Oh, sweetie, you look so much better.

145. Ready to go back to school?

146. Uh, I don't know.

147. (coughing) I mean, I could risk it, but...

148. No, no, you just stay put.

149. Wow. You didn't even feel her forehead.

150. How do I get that kind of credibility?

151. With eight years of scrupulous honesty.

152. Eh. It's not worth it.

153. Oh, I really need one more day, mom.

154. I think the germs are regrouping.

155. Now, for breakfast, I'll have hash browns,

156. coffee and a short stack.

157. And would it kill you to heat up the syrup?

158. But I... I might infect the other kids.

159. That's a risk I'm willing to take.

160. So long!

161. Welcome back, Lisa.

162. I trust you got the homework I assigned.

163. The Wind In The Willows?

164. Oh, yeah, Ralph brought it over.

165. Perfect. Then I won't need to excuse you from the test.

166. (gulps) Test?

167. (Taskmaster's voice): Game over, mate.

168. Ohh...

169. Okay, all right.

170. You can bluff your way through one test.

171. "Mr. Toad has a red blank."

172. Okay, skip that one.

173. "Mr. Blank needs a blank in order to blank his blank."

174. Oh, I am in deep blank.

175. And the lowest grade in the class...

176. She's going to say my name.

177. Lisa Simpson, zero.

178. Lisa... - (gasps)

179. the president of Harvard would like a word with you.

180. Nasty business, that zero.

181. Naturally Harvard's doors are now closed to you,

182. but I'll pass your file along to...

183. (snickering) Brown.

184. Hmm. Heck of a school.

185. Weren't you at Brown, Otto?

186. Yep. Almost got tenure, too.

187. (gasps) No! Not Brown,

188. Brown, Brown, Brown...

189. Lisa, you're saying Brown an awful lot.

190. Are you okay?

191. Well, actually,

192. I do feel a little feverish.

193. Ah. Don't worry about the test.

194. Just get yourself a nice drink of water.

195. Then come back and finish the test.

196. I need a miracle.

197. - Come on. You owe me. - What's up, sis?

198. - Bart, shouldn't you be in class? - I am.

199. It's a little something I whipped up at shop, mostly latex.

200. What are you doing out here?

201. We've got a test, and I didn't read the book.

202. I'll get a zero for sure, Bart.

203. What do I do?

204. Well, if it was me, I'd just take the zero.

205. - (growls) - Uh, but that's not for everyone.

206. There's one other possibility.

207. Hey, I can't go in there.

208. Relax. There's nothing here you didn't see

209. when Dad boycotted pants.

210. Hang on. I'll buzz you in.

211. Buzz!

212. Teacher and subject?

213. Miss Hoover, Wind In The Willows.

214. Hmm-hmm-hmm. Oh.

215. Here we go.

216. (gasps) Oh, my god.

217. These are the answers to the test.

218. I don't want to cheat.

219. Hey, hey, these are study aids.

220. They're for novelty purposes only.

221. If a few bad apples use them for cheating,

222. I can't be held responsible.

223. Forget it.

224. I'd rather get a zero.

225. Good for you, lass.

226. I got me a zero once

227. and my life turned out just fine.

228. Oh! Whoa!

229. That's a nasty clog.

230. Ooh, you've got yourself a partner, have you?

231. Keep the change.

232. Come here, you slippery rascals.

233. Good news, my delicious friend.

234. You're going to be a free-range lobster.

235. Come on, boy. Dig in.

236. They'll give you a big, strong thorax.

237. Whoa!

238. Why, you little... Ah!

239. Ohh, look at him cower.

240. Just like the boy.

241. I can't stay mad at such a helpless little mammal.

242. (giggles) I'm gonna get you for that, you little scamp.

243. Here! Yeah! Take that, Pinchy.

244. I graded this morning's test over lunch

245. and most of you did quite well.

246. - I got a B. - No, Ralph. That's an F.

247. I must have spilled some kahlua.

248. Perfect, Lisa.

249. And you got all the extra-credit questions.

250. Even the one that got cut off by the copy machine.

251. Oh, well, I guess I was just on a roll.

252. Don't be so modest, Lisa.

253. You earned that A+++.

254. Actually, there are four pluses.

255. No, that's drambuie.

256. Mmm.

257. Ooh, so plump and juicy.

258. Hmm! He's going to boil up nicely.

259. Well, I guess this is it, old pal.

260. This is your big day.

261. The water's boiling.

262. Quick. Chuck him in.

263. - Uh... - Come on. Chuck him in.

264. - Okay. - Let's go! In the pot, in the pot!

265. Ohh.

266. - But, Marge, look at the little guy. - (gasps)

267. He looks like an ordinary...

268. Ow! Son of a—

269. Feel that, Marge? He likes you.

270. And now, for the main course...

271. Steamed Maine cabbages.

272. (clears throat) Pardon me for asking,

273. but where the hell's my stupid lobster?

274. We're not eating Mr. Pinchy.

275. He's part of the family now.

276. Pinchy, I made you some risotto.

277. Dad!

278. What, you got to be kidding me.

279. What's your problem, veggie? You don't even eat lobster.

280. No, but I enjoy the smell.

281. Well, lobster or no lobster,

282. this is still a very special dinner.

283. Lisa broke her own record

284. by two whole pluses.

285. Mom, where did you get that?

286. Oh, it just turned up in the course of my daily rummaging.

287. By the way, I oiled the hinge on your diary.

288. Aren't you proud of your big sister, Mr. Pinchy?

289. Hmm? Hmm?

290. Oh, I am sick of everyone being so proud of me!

291. That's my girl!

292. Ah, cheer up, Lise.

293. You got a good grade without even reading the book.

294. That's win-win.

295. Can't you see the difference

296. between earning something honestly and getting it by fraud?

297. Hmm, I suppose, maybe if, uh...

298. No. No, sorry, I thought I had it there for a sec.

299. Psst, Lisa, check it out.

300. Tomorrow's fraction quiz.

301. I'll give you the numerators free,

302. but the denominators are going to cost you.

303. I don't want your dirty denominators.

304. - Well, la-dee-da, lady cheaterly. - (gasps)

305. Can I at least keep you in my rolodex?

306. No!

307. I never cheated before and I never will again.

308. Oh, I almost wish I hadn't gotten away with it.

309. Lisa Simpson,

310. report to the principal's office

311. to discuss the results of yesterday's test.

312. We never met.

313. I've just received some rather unusual news

314. regarding your unprecedented A triple plus.

315. To be honest, I'm surprised and saddened.

316. Uh, no, not saddened.

317. What's the word?

318. Ah, yes. Delighted.

319. - What? - I'm delighted to report

320. that your grade

321. brought the entire school's G.P.A.

322. up to our state's minimum standard.

323. We now qualify for a basic assistance grant.

324. It's the greatest honor the school has ever received.

325. And it's all thanks to you.

326. Your devotion to scholarship

327. is a shining beacon to all who...

328. Stop it! I cheated!

329. Cheated, cheated, cheated, cheated, cheated!

330. Lisa, what are you trying to say?

331. I cheated!

332. You cheated?

333. Oh, lordy, lordy, lordy.

334. Why didn't Miss Hoover tell me?

335. She doesn't know.

336. You're the only one I've told.

337. Well, then...

338. one could make the argument

339. that there really is no problem.

340. But what I did was wrong.

341. Oh, very much so,

342. but as long as we handle this

343. in a mature and above all, quiet manner,

344. we'll still get that grant money.

345. Oh, you really scared me there.

346. But we can't accept that money.

347. It's tainted.

348. Now, now. Leave the money out of this.

349. It's not the money's fault you cheated.

350. Besides, I've already started spending it.

351. Check out the new scoreboard.

352. - (fanfare plays) Charge!

353. I'm still learning all the buttons.

354. Well, if you're going to cover this up,

355. I'll just have to go over your head to Super...

356. - (buzzer sounds) - ... intendent...

357. - (buzzer sounds) - ... Chalmers!

358. Skinner!

359. I am outraged that you've kept this from me.

360. You were supposed to call

361. as soon as the new scoreboard was in.

362. Tell me, does it play that song "Charge"?

363. Oh, does it ever!

364. (grunts) You can't keep this scoreboard

365. because there's not going to be any grant money

366. because I cheated!

367. Lisa, let's take a walk.

368. A little traveling music, Seymour.

369. (grunts) Good lord, what a dump.

370. It's not surprising this school

371. was once classified

372. the most dilapidated in all of Missouri.

373. Hmm? - That's why it was shut down

374. and moved here, brick by brick.

375. Look around, Lisa.

376. That grant money could do a lot of good.

377. Don't you think those youngsters

378. deserve a regulation tetherball?

379. - Ow! - Ohh!

380. We can buy real periodic tables

381. instead of these promotional ones from Oscar Mayer.

382. Now who can tell me the atomic weight of bolgnium?

383. Oh, delicious?

384. Correct.

385. I would also accept "snacktacular."

386. And for the first time ever,

387. our computer lab actually has a computer in it.

388. Hi, Lisa.

389. Hi, Supernintendo Chalmers.

390. Meow.

391. I'm learnding.

392. Ah, way to go, Ralph.

393. Oh, she's a beaut. You can't beat a coleco.

394. How many can I put you down for? A lot?

395. Please say a lot.

396. I need this.

397. I don't know.

398. I'm not even sure we can keep this one.

399. It's up to Lisa.

400. What do you say, Lisa?

401. Will you keep our little secret

402. for the good of your classmates and your school?

403. And let's not forget old Gil, huh?

404. (chuckles) The wolf's at old Gil's door.

405. Uh... I guess I don't have much choice.

406. Oh, thank god!

407. Now let's talk rust-proofing.

408. These colecos will rust up on you like that.

409. Shut up, Gil.

410. Close the deal, close the deal.

411. Relax, boy.

412. We're not going to cook you.

413. Enjoy your day at the beach.

414. Ooh, look. Here's a little playmate for you.

415. Hey, you don't have to take that from no punk-ass crab.

416. What's wrong with you?

417. Grr, it's not his fault he's a sissy.

418. Someone's been coddling him.

419. Don't look at me.

420. I wanted to eat him.

421. Sorry. It's usually the mother.

422. You know, I run a small academy

423. for lobsters like this one.

424. We stress tough love,

425. daily chores and the like.

426. No. We're not sending the lobster away

427. to some snobby boarding school.

428. Arr, I understand.

429. It... It's hard to let go.

430. Eh, tell me this then.

431. Do you have any spare change?

432. And now

433. to present the grant money,

434. a legendary figure in educational disbursement,

435. State comptroller, Atkins.

436. Whoo!

437. Thank you.

438. I'm here tonight to honor the girl

439. whose unprecedented test score

440. has set a new standard in excellence.

441. Lisa.

442. Thank you.

443. I know this giant check

444. is very important to everyone here.

445. But what's even more important is the truth.

446. Because, after all, education is the search for truth.

447. No. No, it isn't.

448. Don't listen to her. She's out of her mind.

449. And the truth is, we don't deserve this grant

450. and I don't deserve your applause.

451. I cheated on that test.

452. Wait. How dare you condemn this girl?

453. Who among you can honestly say you've never cheated?

454. On your wives or your husbands?

455. What she just did took courage.

456. And where I come from, Canada,

457. we reward courage.

458. So I hereby decree that you keep the grant

459. and let's give this brave girl the ovation she deserves.

460. Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.

461. You got the highest grade in the class.

462. - But, mom... - The highest grade.

463. Okay, Lisa's gone.

464. Places, people.

465. Oh, man, acting is tough.

466. I'll be in my trailer.

467. Ah, good old predictable Lisa.

468. I knew her conscience was a ticking time bomb.

469. Heads up.

470. Here comes the real comptroller.

471. This grant ensures

472. a light bulb in every classroom

473. and a high-definition TV for the teachers' lounge.

474. Now, where's the little girl who made this grant possible?

475. Where's Lisa Simpson?

476. Come on up here, Lisa.

477. Now how about that? Smart and modest.

478. Well, I should be going now.

479. These giant checks don't hand themselves out.

480. Okay, people, let's have a round of applause

481. for the real comptroller.

482. Hmm. - (applause)

483. Idiot.

484. I know a liquor store

485. where we can cash this right now.

486. And done.

487. That's one grade I truly earned.

488. Ohh, who left these muddy claw prints

489. on my clean floor?

490. Sorry, Marge.

491. Pinchy got all dirty in the yard chasing birds.

492. But don't worry, I put him in a nice, hot bath.

493. (sniffs) Hey, what smells so good?

494. Yeah...

495. Pinchy?

496. Pinchy?

497. Oh, Pinchy!

498. Oh, man, that's good.

499. Pass the butter.

500. Are you going to eat that all by yourself?

501. Uh-huh.

502. Pinchy would've wanted it this way.

503. My dear, sweet Pinchy.

504. No more pain where you are now, boy.

505. (sucks) Oh, god, that's tasty.

506. I wish Pinchy were here to enjoy this.

507. Oh, Pinchy.

508. Shh.

509. Captioned by Visual Data Media Services