1. D-oh!Copy !req
2. REV.
And may we burnCopy !req
3. in painful
and foul-smelling fireCopy !req
4. forever and ever.Copy !req
5. A... men...Copy !req
6. onite minister
will be giving a guest sermonCopy !req
7. next Sunday.Copy !req
8. Go in peace.Copy !req
9. A...Copy !req
10. Don't make me come up there.Copy !req
11. - ... men.
Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
12. Let me outta here.
The guy never stops talking.Copy !req
13. - Oh.Copy !req
14. I'm starving.Copy !req
15. Mom, can we go catholicCopy !req
16. so we can get communion wafers
and booze?Copy !req
17. No. No one's going catholic.Copy !req
18. Three children is enough,
thank you.Copy !req
19. Hang in there, son.
I'm taking us outCopy !req
20. for our traditional
Sunday brunch.Copy !req
21. Idiot!
He zinged you, Marge.Copy !req
22. - Brunch is served.Copy !req
23. I feel guilty
coming here every SundayCopy !req
24. and never actually
buying anything.Copy !req
25. Why? We're following the rules.Copy !req
26. If it has
a toothpick in it, it's free.Copy !req
27. - Hey.Copy !req
28. Ah, this is my kind of aisle,Copy !req
29. soy substitute,
whiz-less cheese...Copy !req
30. Oven-roasted cud.Copy !req
31. It's packed in its own drool.Copy !req
32. Gavin, honey,
help Mommy pick a cereal.Copy !req
33. How about alfalfa-bits?Copy !req
34. Those suck.Copy !req
35. I hate this store.Copy !req
36. But, sweetheart, Mommy—Copy !req
37. I hate you, too.Copy !req
38. I want to live
with one of my dads.Copy !req
39. Mmm.Copy !req
40. So you say this product
is known as fudge?Copy !req
41. Yes, just like it was last week.Copy !req
42. If you're going to get snippy,Copy !req
43. I'll take my business elsewhere.Copy !req
44. Cherry Garcia? Yuck.Copy !req
45. Honey Bono?
Desmond Tutti Fruitti?Copy !req
46. Ech.Copy !req
47. Lisa, help Daddy find
some normal flavors.Copy !req
48. Candy Warhol?Copy !req
49. Xavier Nougat?Copy !req
50. Nah. Nothing made of dead guys.Copy !req
51. What's in the back?Copy !req
52. Hurry up!
My hands are getting cold.Copy !req
53. Oh, my goodness, Homer,Copy !req
54. get her out of there!Copy !req
55. Ohh!Copy !req
56. Ugh. Sherbet Hoover?Copy !req
57. Oh. We've got to get you homeCopy !req
58. to a warm blanket
and a cold compress.Copy !req
59. Whoo!Copy !req
60. Those are eight dollars
a pound, sport.Copy !req
61. Hmm. Eight dollars a pound timesCopy !req
62. say, oh, five pounds is, umm...Copy !req
63. Let's see.Copy !req
64. How many pounds in a gallon?Copy !req
65. Oh, I can't afford that.Copy !req
66. Unless...Copy !req
67. I told you I'm a financial genius.Copy !req
68. I buy an eight-dollar lobster,Copy !req
69. fatten it into an $80 lobsterCopy !req
70. and eat the profits.Copy !req
71. Lobsters need saltwater.Copy !req
72. I'm way ahead of you.Copy !req
73. Dad, the fish.Copy !req
74. Son, I'm still fine-tuning.Copy !req
75. Eh-eh.Copy !req
76. Uh-oh!Copy !req
77. Eh-eh.Copy !req
78. Perfect.Copy !req
79. Oh, you don't sound so good.Copy !req
80. We'd better get you
some cold medicine.Copy !req
81. No problem, I picked
some up at the store!Copy !req
82. Oh.Copy !req
83. Oh, Homey,Copy !req
84. you made breakfast.Copy !req
85. Nothing's too good
for my one and only.Copy !req
86. Eat, eat. You're nothing
but skin and bones.Copy !req
87. Oh.Copy !req
88. Oh, how are you feeling, sweetie?Copy !req
89. Much better.Copy !req
90. Oh, my. You're burning up.Copy !req
91. I'm going to tell the school
you're staying home.Copy !req
92. I'm afraid I can't allow that.Copy !req
93. Lisa...Copy !req
94. Mom, no, wait!Copy !req
95. We can make a deal!Copy !req
96. You don't have anything I want.Copy !req
97. Ohh...Copy !req
98. The ocean aboundsCopy !req
99. with fearsome creatures,Copy !req
100. but none attacks its prey
with more furyCopy !req
101. than the seaweed shark.Copy !req
102. The struggle is soon over.Copy !req
103. Oh. You shouldn't be
watching the learning channel.Copy !req
104. You need to take it easy.Copy !req
105. But I'm hardly learning at all.Copy !req
106. Why don't you play
with one of Bart'sCopy !req
107. video games instead?Copy !req
108. Hugh Downs says
they're the latest craze.Copy !req
109. Foolish dingo,
you must find and devourCopy !req
110. the seven crystal babies,Copy !req
111. or spend eternity trappedCopy !req
112. in deep didgeri-doo!Copy !req
113. I am so scared.Copy !req
114. All right. I guess you're supposedCopy !req
115. to go through this stupid door?Copy !req
116. Hmm. I wonder
what's in this glowing barrel.Copy !req
117. What? Nunchuks?
Those aren't even australian.Copy !req
118. Oh, great. So I'm dead now.Copy !req
119. Fine. I'm sick
of this stupid game anyway.Copy !req
120. Yes! I am just
four power wands awayCopy !req
121. from an antigravity lozenge.Copy !req
122. Hope I don't run
into that weird little troll.Copy !req
123. Hi, Lisa.Copy !req
124. No, pause, pause!Copy !req
125. I brought your homework.Copy !req
126. We have to read this.Copy !req
127. The Wind In The Willows?Copy !req
128. It's about a toad
and a badger and a mole.Copy !req
129. I drawed on mine.Copy !req
130. Is this my house?Copy !req
131. No. You live in a different house.Copy !req
132. Choo-choo-choo, whoo, whoo!Copy !req
133. Then I shall rule
The Down Underverse!Copy !req
134. We'll see about that, mate.Copy !req
135. Okay, together
we weigh 300 pounds.Copy !req
136. According to my driver's license,Copy !req
137. I weigh 140 pounds.Copy !req
138. That means that you weigh, ohh...Copy !req
139. 160 pounds.Copy !req
140. Oh-ho-ho! You're doing great.Copy !req
141. No, no!Copy !req
142. Yep! That's it! Bite, bite, bite!Copy !req
143. Lisa?Copy !req
144. Oh, sweetie,
you look so much better.Copy !req
145. Ready to go back to school?Copy !req
146. Uh, I don't know.Copy !req
147. I mean, I could risk it, but...Copy !req
148. No, no, you just stay put.Copy !req
149. Wow. You didn't even feel
her forehead.Copy !req
150. How do I get
that kind of credibility?Copy !req
151. With eight years
of scrupulous honesty.Copy !req
152. Eh. It's not worth it.Copy !req
153. Oh, I really need
one more day, mom.Copy !req
154. I think the germs are regrouping.Copy !req
155. Now, for breakfast,
I'll have hash browns,Copy !req
156. coffee and a short stack.Copy !req
157. And would it kill you
to heat up the syrup?Copy !req
158. But I... I might infect the other kids.Copy !req
159. That's a risk I'm willing to take.Copy !req
160. So long!Copy !req
161. Welcome back, Lisa.Copy !req
162. I trust you got
the homework I assigned.Copy !req
163. The Wind In The Willows?Copy !req
164. Oh, yeah, Ralph brought it over.Copy !req
165. Perfect. Then I won't need
to excuse you from the test.Copy !req
166. Test?Copy !req
167. Game over, mate.Copy !req
168. Ohh...Copy !req
169. Okay, all right.Copy !req
170. You can bluff your way
through one test.Copy !req
171. "Mr. Toad has a red blank."Copy !req
172. Okay, skip that one.Copy !req
173. "Mr. Blank needs a blank
in order to blank his blank."Copy !req
174. Oh, I am in deep blank.Copy !req
175. And the lowest grade in the class...Copy !req
176. She's going to say my name.Copy !req
177. Lisa Simpson, zero.Copy !req
178. Lisa...Copy !req
179. the president of Harvard
would like a word with you.Copy !req
180. Nasty business, that zero.Copy !req
181. Naturally Harvard's doors
are now closed to you,Copy !req
182. but I'll pass your file along to...Copy !req
183. Brown.Copy !req
184. Hmm. Heck of a school.Copy !req
185. Weren't you at Brown, Otto?Copy !req
186. Yep. Almost got tenure, too.Copy !req
187. No! Not Brown,Copy !req
188. Brown, Brown, Brown...Copy !req
189. Lisa, you're saying Brown
an awful lot.Copy !req
190. Are you okay?Copy !req
191. Well, actually,Copy !req
192. I do feel a little feverish.Copy !req
193. Ah. Don't worry about the test.Copy !req
194. Just get yourself
a nice drink of water.Copy !req
195. Then come back and finish the test.Copy !req
196. I need a miracle.Copy !req
197. - Come on. You owe me.
- What's up, sis?Copy !req
198. - Bart, shouldn't you be in class?
- I am.Copy !req
199. It's a little something
I whipped up at shop, mostly latex.Copy !req
200. What are you doing out here?Copy !req
201. We've got a test,
and I didn't read the book.Copy !req
202. I'll get a zero for sure, Bart.Copy !req
203. What do I do?Copy !req
204. Well, if it was me,
I'd just take the zero.Copy !req
205. - Uh, but that's not for everyone.Copy !req
206. There's one other possibility.Copy !req
207. Hey, I can't go in there.Copy !req
208. Relax. There's nothing here
you didn't seeCopy !req
209. when Dad boycotted pants.Copy !req
210. Hang on. I'll buzz you in.Copy !req
211. Buzz!Copy !req
212. Teacher and subject?Copy !req
213. Miss Hoover, Wind In The Willows.Copy !req
214. Hmm-hmm-hmm. Oh.Copy !req
215. Here we go.Copy !req
216. Oh, my god.Copy !req
217. These are the answers to the test.Copy !req
218. I don't want to cheat.Copy !req
219. Hey, hey, these are study aids.Copy !req
220. They're for novelty purposes only.Copy !req
221. If a few bad apples
use them for cheating,Copy !req
222. I can't be held responsible.Copy !req
223. Forget it.Copy !req
224. I'd rather get a zero.Copy !req
225. Good for you, lass.Copy !req
226. I got me a zero onceCopy !req
227. and my life turned out just fine.Copy !req
228. Oh! Whoa!Copy !req
229. That's a nasty clog.Copy !req
230. Ooh, you've got yourself
a partner, have you?Copy !req
231. Keep the change.Copy !req
232. Come here,
you slippery rascals.Copy !req
233. Good news, my delicious friend.Copy !req
234. You're going to be
a free-range lobster.Copy !req
235. Come on, boy. Dig in.Copy !req
236. They'll give you
a big, strong thorax.Copy !req
237. Whoa!Copy !req
238. Why, you little... Ah!Copy !req
239. Ohh, look at him cower.Copy !req
240. Just like the boy.Copy !req
241. I can't stay mad
at such a helpless little mammal.Copy !req
242. I'm gonna get you
for that, you little scamp.Copy !req
243. Here! Yeah! Take that, Pinchy.Copy !req
244. I graded this morning's test
over lunchCopy !req
245. and most of you did quite well.Copy !req
246. - I got a B.
- No, Ralph. That's an F.Copy !req
247. I must have spilled some kahlua.Copy !req
248. Perfect, Lisa.Copy !req
249. And you got
all the extra-credit questions.Copy !req
250. Even the one that got
cut off by the copy machine.Copy !req
251. Oh, well, I guess
I was just on a roll.Copy !req
252. Don't be so modest, Lisa.Copy !req
253. You earned that A+++.Copy !req
254. Actually, there are four pluses.Copy !req
255. No, that's drambuie.Copy !req
256. Mmm.Copy !req
257. Ooh, so plump and juicy.Copy !req
258. Hmm! He's going to boil up nicely.Copy !req
259. Well, I guess this is it, old pal.Copy !req
260. This is your big day.Copy !req
261. The water's boiling.Copy !req
262. Quick. Chuck him in.Copy !req
263. - Uh...
- Come on. Chuck him in.Copy !req
264. - Okay.
- Let's go! In the pot, in the pot!Copy !req
265. Ohh.Copy !req
266. - But, Marge, look at the little guy.Copy !req
267. He looks like an ordinary...Copy !req
268. Ow! Son of a—Copy !req
269. Feel that, Marge? He likes you.Copy !req
270. And now, for the main course...Copy !req
271. Steamed Maine cabbages.Copy !req
272. Pardon me for asking,Copy !req
273. but where the hell's
my stupid lobster?Copy !req
274. We're not eating Mr. Pinchy.Copy !req
275. He's part of the family now.Copy !req
276. Pinchy, I made you some risotto.Copy !req
277. Dad!Copy !req
278. What, you got to be kidding me.Copy !req
279. What's your problem, veggie?
You don't even eat lobster.Copy !req
280. No, but I enjoy the smell.Copy !req
281. Well, lobster or no lobster,Copy !req
282. this is still a very special dinner.Copy !req
283. Lisa broke her own recordCopy !req
284. by two whole pluses.Copy !req
285. Mom, where did you get that?Copy !req
286. Oh, it just turned up in the course
of my daily rummaging.Copy !req
287. By the way, I oiled
the hinge on your diary.Copy !req
288. Aren't you proud
of your big sister, Mr. Pinchy?Copy !req
289. Hmm? Hmm?Copy !req
290. Oh, I am sick of everyone
being so proud of me!Copy !req
291. That's my girl!Copy !req
292. Ah, cheer up, Lise.Copy !req
293. You got a good grade
without even reading the book.Copy !req
294. That's win-win.Copy !req
295. Can't you see the differenceCopy !req
296. between earning something
honestly and getting it by fraud?Copy !req
297. Hmm, I suppose, maybe if, uh...Copy !req
298. No. No, sorry, I thought
I had it there for a sec.Copy !req
299. Psst, Lisa, check it out.Copy !req
300. Tomorrow's fraction quiz.Copy !req
301. I'll give you the numerators free,Copy !req
302. but the denominators
are going to cost you.Copy !req
303. I don't want
your dirty denominators.Copy !req
304. - Well, la-dee-da, lady cheaterly.Copy !req
305. Can I at least
keep you in my rolodex?Copy !req
306. No!Copy !req
307. I never cheated before
and I never will again.Copy !req
308. Oh, I almost wish I hadn't
gotten away with it.Copy !req
309. Lisa Simpson,Copy !req
310. report to the principal's officeCopy !req
311. to discuss the results
of yesterday's test.Copy !req
312. We never met.Copy !req
313. I've just received
some rather unusual newsCopy !req
314. regarding your unprecedented
A triple plus.Copy !req
315. To be honest, I'm surprised
and saddened.Copy !req
316. Uh, no, not saddened.Copy !req
317. What's the word?Copy !req
318. Ah, yes. Delighted.Copy !req
319. - What?
- I'm delighted to reportCopy !req
320. that your gradeCopy !req
321. brought the entire school's G.P.A.Copy !req
322. up to our state's
minimum standard.Copy !req
323. We now qualify
for a basic assistance grant.Copy !req
324. It's the greatest honor
the school has ever received.Copy !req
325. And it's all thanks to you.Copy !req
326. Your devotion to scholarshipCopy !req
327. is a shining beacon to all who...Copy !req
328. Stop it! I cheated!Copy !req
329. Cheated, cheated,
cheated, cheated, cheated!Copy !req
330. Lisa, what are you trying to say?Copy !req
331. I cheated!Copy !req
332. You cheated?Copy !req
333. Oh, lordy, lordy, lordy.Copy !req
334. Why didn't Miss Hoover tell me?Copy !req
335. She doesn't know.Copy !req
336. You're the only one I've told.Copy !req
337. Well, then...Copy !req
338. one could make the argumentCopy !req
339. that there really is no problem.Copy !req
340. But what I did was wrong.Copy !req
341. Oh, very much so,Copy !req
342. but as long as we handle thisCopy !req
343. in a mature and above all,
quiet manner,Copy !req
344. we'll still get that grant money.Copy !req
345. Oh, you really scared me there.Copy !req
346. But we can't accept that money.Copy !req
347. It's tainted.Copy !req
348. Now, now.
Leave the money out of this.Copy !req
349. It's not the money's fault
you cheated.Copy !req
350. Besides, I've already
started spending it.Copy !req
351. Check out the new scoreboard.Copy !req
352. Charge!Copy !req
353. I'm still learning all the buttons.Copy !req
354. Well, if you're going
to cover this up,Copy !req
355. I'll just have to go
over your head to Super...Copy !req
356. - ... intendent...Copy !req
357. - ... Chalmers!Copy !req
358. Skinner!Copy !req
359. I am outraged
that you've kept this from me.Copy !req
360. You were supposed to callCopy !req
361. as soon as
the new scoreboard was in.Copy !req
362. Tell me, does it play
that song "Charge"?Copy !req
363. Oh, does it ever!Copy !req
364. You can't keep this scoreboardCopy !req
365. because there's not going to be
any grant moneyCopy !req
366. because I cheated!Copy !req
367. Lisa, let's take a walk.Copy !req
368. A little traveling music, Seymour.Copy !req
369. Good lord, what a dump.Copy !req
370. It's not surprising this schoolCopy !req
371. was once classifiedCopy !req
372. the most dilapidated
in all of Missouri.Copy !req
373. Hmm?
- That's why it was shut downCopy !req
374. and moved here, brick by brick.Copy !req
375. Look around, Lisa.Copy !req
376. That grant money
could do a lot of good.Copy !req
377. Don't you think those youngstersCopy !req
378. deserve a regulation tetherball?Copy !req
379. - Ow!
- Ohh!Copy !req
380. We can buy real periodic tablesCopy !req
381. instead of these promotional ones
from Oscar Mayer.Copy !req
382. Now who can tell me
the atomic weight of bolgnium?Copy !req
383. Oh, delicious?Copy !req
384. Correct.Copy !req
385. I would also accept
"snacktacular."Copy !req
386. And for the first time ever,Copy !req
387. our computer lab
actually has a computer in it.Copy !req
388. Hi, Lisa.Copy !req
389. Hi, Supernintendo Chalmers.Copy !req
390. Meow.Copy !req
391. I'm learnding.Copy !req
392. Ah, way to go, Ralph.Copy !req
393. Oh, she's a beaut.
You can't beat a coleco.Copy !req
394. How many
can I put you down for? A lot?Copy !req
395. Please say a lot.Copy !req
396. I need this.Copy !req
397. I don't know.Copy !req
398. I'm not even sure
we can keep this one.Copy !req
399. It's up to Lisa.Copy !req
400. What do you say, Lisa?Copy !req
401. Will you keep our little secretCopy !req
402. for the good of your classmates
and your school?Copy !req
403. And let's not forget old Gil, huh?Copy !req
404. The wolf's at old Gil's door.Copy !req
405. Uh... I guess
I don't have much choice.Copy !req
406. Oh, thank god!Copy !req
407. Now let's talk rust-proofing.Copy !req
408. These colecos
will rust up on you like that.Copy !req
409. Shut up, Gil.Copy !req
410. Close the deal, close the deal.Copy !req
411. Relax, boy.Copy !req
412. We're not going to cook you.Copy !req
413. Enjoy your day at the beach.Copy !req
414. Ooh, look. Here's a little
playmate for you.Copy !req
415. Hey, you don't have to take that
from no punk-ass crab.Copy !req
416. What's wrong with you?Copy !req
417. Grr, it's not his fault he's a sissy.Copy !req
418. Someone's been coddling him.Copy !req
419. Don't look at me.Copy !req
420. I wanted to eat him.Copy !req
421. Sorry. It's usually the mother.Copy !req
422. You know, I run a small academyCopy !req
423. for lobsters like this one.Copy !req
424. We stress tough love,Copy !req
425. daily chores and the like.Copy !req
426. No. We're not sending
the lobster awayCopy !req
427. to some snobby boarding school.Copy !req
428. Arr, I understand.Copy !req
429. It... It's hard to let go.Copy !req
430. Eh, tell me this then.Copy !req
431. Do you have any spare change?Copy !req
432. And nowCopy !req
433. to present the grant money,Copy !req
434. a legendary figure
in educational disbursement,Copy !req
435. State comptroller, Atkins.Copy !req
436. Whoo!Copy !req
437. Thank you.Copy !req
438. I'm here tonight to honor the girlCopy !req
439. whose unprecedented test scoreCopy !req
440. has set a new standard
in excellence.Copy !req
441. Lisa.Copy !req
442. Thank you.Copy !req
443. I know this giant checkCopy !req
444. is very important to everyone here.Copy !req
445. But what's even more important
is the truth.Copy !req
446. Because, after all,
education is the search for truth.Copy !req
447. No. No, it isn't.Copy !req
448. Don't listen to her.
She's out of her mind.Copy !req
449. And the truth is,
we don't deserve this grantCopy !req
450. and I don't deserve your applause.Copy !req
451. I cheated on that test.Copy !req
452. Wait. How dare
you condemn this girl?Copy !req
453. Who among you can honestly say
you've never cheated?Copy !req
454. On your wives or your husbands?Copy !req
455. What she just did took courage.Copy !req
456. And where I come from, Canada,Copy !req
457. we reward courage.Copy !req
458. So I hereby decree
that you keep the grantCopy !req
459. and let's give this brave girl
the ovation she deserves.Copy !req
460. Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.Copy !req
461. You got the highest grade
in the class.Copy !req
462. - But, mom...
- The highest grade.Copy !req
463. Okay, Lisa's gone.Copy !req
464. Places, people.Copy !req
465. Oh, man, acting is tough.Copy !req
466. I'll be in my trailer.Copy !req
467. Ah, good old predictable Lisa.Copy !req
468. I knew her conscience
was a ticking time bomb.Copy !req
469. Heads up.Copy !req
470. Here comes the real comptroller.Copy !req
471. This grant ensuresCopy !req
472. a light bulb in every classroomCopy !req
473. and a high-definition TV
for the teachers' lounge.Copy !req
474. Now, where's the little girl
who made this grant possible?Copy !req
475. Where's Lisa Simpson?Copy !req
476. Come on up here, Lisa.Copy !req
477. Now how about that?
Smart and modest.Copy !req
478. Well, I should be going now.Copy !req
479. These giant checks
don't hand themselves out.Copy !req
480. Okay, people, let's have
a round of applauseCopy !req
481. for the real comptroller.Copy !req
482. Hmm.Copy !req
483. Idiot.Copy !req
484. I know a liquor storeCopy !req
485. where we can cash this right now.Copy !req
486. And done.Copy !req
487. That's one grade I truly earned.Copy !req
488. Ohh, who left
these muddy claw printsCopy !req
489. on my clean floor?Copy !req
490. Sorry, Marge.Copy !req
491. Pinchy got all dirty
in the yard chasing birds.Copy !req
492. But don't worry,
I put him in a nice, hot bath.Copy !req
493. Hey, what smells so good?Copy !req
494. Yeah...Copy !req
495. Pinchy?Copy !req
496. Pinchy?Copy !req
497. Oh, Pinchy!Copy !req
498. Oh, man, that's good.Copy !req
499. Pass the butter.Copy !req
500. Are you going to eat that
all by yourself?Copy !req
501. Uh-huh.Copy !req
502. Pinchy would've wanted it this way.Copy !req
503. My dear, sweet Pinchy.Copy !req
504. No more pain
where you are now, boy.Copy !req
505. Oh, god, that's tasty.Copy !req
506. I wish Pinchy were here
to enjoy this.Copy !req
507. Oh, Pinchy.Copy !req
508. Shh.Copy !req
509. Captioned by
Visual Data Media ServicesCopy !req