1. - D-oh!Copy !req
2. I don't get it.
They should be here by now.Copy !req
3. Ah, what're you gonna do?Copy !req
4. Hmm. Good lines, nice balance.Copy !req
5. Let's see how she handles.Copy !req
6. Ho-ho, oh, yeah.Copy !req
7. Tame it, baby.Copy !req
8. Yo, ring her up, dude.Copy !req
9. You cannot smoke in here.Copy !req
10. Please, the sign is clearly posted, sir.Copy !req
11. Oh, god. You smokers disgust me.Copy !req
12. Hey, 'pu, you got a breakfast cerealCopy !req
13. for people with syphilis?Copy !req
14. - Hands up, scuzzbag.Copy !req
15. No, not you, the smoking scuzzbag.Copy !req
16. Ho-ho, chill out, dude.
I'll pay the fine.Copy !req
17. Not this time, you won't.
This is your third strike.Copy !req
18. First you torched that orphanage,Copy !req
19. then you blew up that bus full of nuns...Copy !req
20. Hey, that was self-defense.Copy !req
21. Well, you'll be seeing lotsa nunsCopy !req
22. where you're going, pal...Copy !req
23. Hell!Copy !req
24. Because the penalty
for strike three is death.Copy !req
25. Ho, you'll never make it stick, dude.Copy !req
26. Will, too, 'cause this place
is full of witnesses.Copy !req
27. Apu, that scuzzbag Moe...Copy !req
28. I'm not going toCopy !req
29. - forget this, dudes.
- Oh.Copy !req
30. I'm going to totally kill both of you.Copy !req
31. And, uh, don't forget Bart Simpson.Copy !req
32. He's a witness, too.Copy !req
33. - Right, Barty?
- Oh.Copy !req
34. Oh, you are so dead, little dude.Copy !req
35. Thanks a lot, Chief.Copy !req
36. You kids crack me up.Copy !req
37. Hi, I'm Ed McMahon.Copy !req
38. Tonight on Fox,Copy !req
39. from the producers of When Skirts Fall Off
and Secrets of National Security Revealed,Copy !req
40. it's World's Deadliest Executions.Copy !req
41. Making his first appearance on our show,Copy !req
42. here's Snake!Copy !req
43. Thank you, chickie pies.Copy !req
44. The chair? Oh...Copy !req
45. How come they only do
crucifixions during sweeps?Copy !req
46. ED: Snake played lacrosse
at Ball State University.Copy !req
47. So long, Snake.Copy !req
48. You'll never harm another personCopy !req
49. with secondhand smoke.Copy !req
50. Dude...Copy !req
51. - Hey-oh!Copy !req
52. All right. Now, let's get this carcassCopy !req
53. over to the hospital
and carve it up for organs.Copy !req
54. Dibs on the liver!Copy !req
55. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
56. Marge, they found a donor.Copy !req
57. I'm saved.Copy !req
58. Boy, you're getting this transplantCopy !req
59. just in time, Homer.Copy !req
60. This is genuine human hair.Copy !req
61. This is legal, right?Copy !req
62. Yeah, sure. Whatever.Copy !req
63. These drugs will make the operationCopy !req
64. seem like a beautiful dream.Copy !req
65. Aah...Copy !req
66. Hi, everybody!Copy !req
67. Who wants to see their sexy new daddy?Copy !req
68. Oh, Dad!Copy !req
69. Wow! If your fly weren't open,Copy !req
70. you'd look just like Roger Moore.Copy !req
71. Later, chickie pie.Copy !req
72. Ooh!Copy !req
73. Ooh-la-la, Simpson.Copy !req
74. Huh! What can I do
for you and your new do?Copy !req
75. You sent me to the chair.Copy !req
76. Snake?Copy !req
77. But you're dead.Copy !req
78. I know you are, but what am I?Copy !req
79. No! No!Copy !req
80. No!Copy !req
81. And the fluffy kitten
played with that ball of stringCopy !req
82. all through the night.Copy !req
83. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerkCopy !req
84. was brutally murdered last night.Copy !req
85. Oh, God.Copy !req
86. - Oh, man.
- I can't believe it.Copy !req
87. Geez.
- That's horrible.Copy !req
88. Who'll run the Kwik-E-Mart?Copy !req
89. I'm afraid we have no leads,Copy !req
90. but I can safely say Apu did not suffer.Copy !req
91. Looks to me like
he suffered a lot, Chief.Copy !req
92. Aw, geez, Lou.Copy !req
93. How long were you going to let meCopy !req
94. keep drinking this thing?Copy !req
95. Who would do such a thing?Copy !req
96. - Ah, morning, Homer.Copy !req
97. You're looking
unusually focused this morning.Copy !req
98. Shut your squeal-hole,Copy !req
99. booze jockey.Copy !req
100. I'm going to, like, totally waste you.Copy !req
101. Well, somebody's a grumpy Gus.Copy !req
102. What's— Oh!Copy !req
103. Yoink.Copy !req
104. Ah, for crying out loud.Copy !req
105. Another of Springfield's
beloved citizensCopy !req
106. was murdered today.Copy !req
107. Filthy old Bartender Moe SzyslakCopy !req
108. has watered down his last highball.Copy !req
109. - Oh, my God.Copy !req
110. Everyone Snake swore revenge on
is being murdered!Copy !req
111. It's almost like he's killing
from beyond the grave.Copy !req
112. I told you capital punishment
isn't a deterrent.Copy !req
113. Don't you get it?Copy !req
114. He swore he'd kill me, too. I'm next!Copy !req
115. Don't worry.
I'll protect you...Copy !req
116. little dude.Copy !req
117. There.
Now no murderers can get in.Copy !req
118. Or out.
- Dad?Copy !req
119. You are so dead.Copy !req
120. No!Copy !req
121. Ugh. Come here, you little...Copy !req
122. Stop it! You're killing me!Copy !req
123. My school picture!Copy !req
124. Daddy would like a word with you, Barty!Copy !req
125. Help! Dad's trying to kill me!Copy !req
126. It's hammer time, snitchy!Copy !req
127. That's Snake's voice.Copy !req
128. Of course. The transplant.Copy !req
129. Somehow Snake's hair
must be controlling—Copy !req
130. Oh, please, Lisa.Copy !req
131. Everyone's already figured that out.Copy !req
132. You've got to fight the hair, Dad.Copy !req
133. But I look
so youthful and hunky.Copy !req
134. The kid's got to die.Copy !req
135. But I love my son.Copy !req
136. More than a lush head of hair?Copy !req
137. Don't make me choose!Copy !req
138. No!Copy !req
139. I love you, Son.Copy !req
140. I love you, too, Dad.Copy !req
141. - Get off! Get him off!Copy !req
142. I'll show you, hair!Copy !req
143. Ow! Ow! Ow!Copy !req
144. That's my face, you idiot!Copy !req
145. Idiot? Why you little...Copy !req
146. Don't you— I'll kill you!Copy !req
147. Homer Simpson,Copy !req
148. You're under arrest for the murdersCopy !req
149. of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa... Pasa...Copy !req
150. Uh, just Moe. Just Moe.Copy !req
151. It wasn't me. It was the hair.Copy !req
152. Freeze, hairball!Copy !req
153. Now, that's what I call a bad-hair day.Copy !req
154. May I remind you
that two people are dead?Copy !req
155. Oh, wait. I just got it.Copy !req
156. - It's funny.Copy !req
157. Bad hair day!Copy !req
158. Bleh!Copy !req
159. Hey! Hey!Copy !req
160. Tonight, I'm going to suck!Copy !req
161. Your blood!Copy !req
162. OK, get ready for the violentest,Copy !req
163. disembowelingest, vomit inducingest,Copy !req
164. Itchy & Scratchy Halloween Special ever!Copy !req
165. - Hey!
- What the...Copy !req
166. Sorry, but if I let you watchCopy !req
167. one of these
gruesome Halloween cartoons,Copy !req
168. I'd be a pretty lousy mother.Copy !req
169. Why don't you kidsCopy !req
170. come trick-or-treating
with Maggie and me?Copy !req
171. Nah. It's too early.Copy !req
172. I need to work under cover of darkness.Copy !req
173. Hmm...Copy !req
174. Oh, Homer,Copy !req
175. you're not going as a hobo again?Copy !req
176. Going where?Copy !req
177. Well, we're leaving.Copy !req
178. And remember, no Itchy & Scratchy.Copy !req
179. - I better take these batteriesCopy !req
180. just to be sure.Copy !req
181. Mmm.Copy !req
182. There's got to be some batteries
in here somewhere.Copy !req
183. - Hmm...Copy !req
184. Oh, Bart, that's plutonium.
It's highly unstable.Copy !req
185. Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?Copy !req
186. Trick or treat!Copy !req
187. What's wrong with the TV?Copy !req
188. Color's screwed up.Copy !req
189. Whoa! Cool!Copy !req
190. Bart, quit it!Copy !req
191. Hey...Copy !req
192. Give—
- No.Copy !req
193. Hey, Lis, we're characters
in a cartoon.Copy !req
194. How humiliating.Copy !req
195. Look!Copy !req
196. Why are you laughing?Copy !req
197. Hey, they're laughing at your pain.Copy !req
198. That's mean.Copy !req
199. Let's teach them a lesson.Copy !req
200. A cartoon ax! I love it.Copy !req
201. Help! Police!Copy !req
202. "To protect and sever"?Copy !req
203. Hmm. Hmm?Copy !req
204. - Ooh!Copy !req
205. How are Bart and Lisa
gonna get out of this one?Copy !req
206. Sorry.Copy !req
207. It happens.Copy !req
208. Hey, hey, wiggedy-wiggedy.
Poochie's in the house.Copy !req
209. We're done for, Bart.Copy !req
210. Not if I know cartoons.Copy !req
211. Whoa!Copy !req
212. Phew. That was close.Copy !req
213. Uh, Bart...Copy !req
214. Not now, Lis. I'm trying to relax.Copy !req
215. Boring...Copy !req
216. I'm telling you this cilantro
really gives it a zing.Copy !req
217. Reg, there's no cilantro in it.Copy !req
218. - Oh, God!Copy !req
219. Man alive! This soup is out of control!Copy !req
220. - Oh!
- Hey!Copy !req
221. My— My eyes, my beautiful eyes!Copy !req
222. That's it. I'm going home.Copy !req
223. Dom DeLuise can interview himself.Copy !req
224. Oh, Itchy's house.Copy !req
225. - This is where we came in.
- Look!Copy !req
226. Dad! You got to get us out of here!Copy !req
227. Use the remote!Copy !req
228. Huh? Oh, OK. Let's see...Copy !req
229. Pause. Three. No...Copy !req
230. - Dad!
- Dad!Copy !req
231. Hurry, Homer!Copy !req
232. Ooh, that is gonna hurt tomorrow.Copy !req
233. Dad! Push "exit"!Copy !req
234. Hmm.Copy !req
235. - Hey.Copy !req
236. Lisa, look out! A skeleton!Copy !req
237. Oh!Copy !req
238. Look how cute they are!Copy !req
239. Look at him go.Copy !req
240. You're beautiful!Copy !req
241. Oh, somebody's in love.Copy !req
242. That means you'll have to be neutered.Copy !req
243. No...Copy !req
244. Here comes the flying saucer.Copy !req
245. What's wrong with Stinky?Copy !req
246. She's teething.Copy !req
247. Look, her very first baby tooth.Copy !req
248. Ew... Ugh.Copy !req
249. Oh, geez.
Disgusting.Copy !req
250. I just lost my appetite.Copy !req
251. Me, too.Copy !req
252. Wait, mine came back.Copy !req
253. I know how to cheer you up.Copy !req
254. This little piggy went to Kwik-E-Mart.Copy !req
255. This little piggy went nuts.Copy !req
256. This little piggy went surfingCopy !req
257. And this little piggy went...Copy !req
258. Ooh!Copy !req
259. Look, Marge, Maggie lost her baby legs.Copy !req
260. Oh, my God.Copy !req
261. Homer, do something.Copy !req
262. The ceiling's not
a safe place for a young baby.Copy !req
263. All right, I got it.Copy !req
264. Come on...Copy !req
265. Get off the...Copy !req
266. Bad baby.Copy !req
267. Oh! She's entering
the terrible twos, all right.Copy !req
268. It's probably nothing,
but we just wanted to be sure.Copy !req
269. Is there anything
you can prescribe, Doctor?Copy !req
270. Fire, and lots of it.Copy !req
271. Oh, that's your cure for everything.Copy !req
272. Poor, Maggie. If only you could tell usCopy !req
273. what's happening to you.Copy !req
274. Commander Kang,Copy !req
275. receiving transmission
from Infant Pod 13.Copy !req
276. Holy phlerking schnit!Copy !req
277. What's the message?Copy !req
278. "Larval stage completed.Copy !req
279. Standing by for orders.Copy !req
280. Experiencing terrible rash.Copy !req
281. Over."Copy !req
282. Ensign Kodos, set coordinatesCopy !req
283. for the obscure
T-shirt producing planetCopy !req
284. known as Earth.Copy !req
285. It's time I paid a visit to...Copy !req
286. my daughter!Copy !req
287. We'll return with
How Dracula Got His Groove Back.Copy !req
288. Hello. Oh, great. Mormons.Copy !req
289. Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.Copy !req
290. And we've come to see...Copy !req
291. my daughter!Copy !req
292. Oh, Lord.Copy !req
293. I was hoping this day would never come.Copy !req
294. Huh? What are you talking about?Copy !req
295. You mean you never told him?Copy !req
296. I guess I've been in denial.Copy !req
297. Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.Copy !req
298. You intergalactic hussy!Copy !req
299. How could you?Copy !req
300. Was he better than me?Copy !req
301. It all happened about two years ago.Copy !req
302. There I was, having
a great time in the backyard,Copy !req
303. when, without warning,
I was abducted by aliens.Copy !req
304. Warning! Warning!Copy !req
305. Prepare to be abducted.Copy !req
306. Huh?Copy !req
307. Congratulations.Copy !req
308. You have been selected
for our cross-breeding program.Copy !req
309. To put you at ease, we have recreatedCopy !req
310. the most common spawning locationsCopy !req
311. of your species.Copy !req
312. You may choose eitherCopy !req
313. the back seat of a Camaro,Copy !req
314. an airplane bathroom,Copy !req
315. a friend's wedding,Copy !req
316. or the alley behind a porno theater.Copy !req
317. I absolutely refuse
to go along with this.Copy !req
318. But since I have no choice,
I'll take the alley.Copy !req
319. Initiate fertilization procedure.Copy !req
320. Oh, you look lovely this evening.Copy !req
321. Have you decreased in mass?Copy !req
322. I tried
to resist, but they appliedCopy !req
323. powerful mind confusion techniques.Copy !req
324. Look behind you.Copy !req
325. Insemination complete.Copy !req
326. Really? That seemed awfully quick.Copy !req
327. - What are you implying?
- Nothing, nothing.Copy !req
328. Whoa, wow, look at the time.Copy !req
329. I'd love to stay,Copy !req
330. but I have an early meeting tomorrow.Copy !req
331. You're a super girl, though.Copy !req
332. I'll call you sometime.Copy !req
333. Whoa!Copy !req
334. Nine months later,
I gave birth to Maggie.Copy !req
335. And now she must return home
to Rigel VII,Copy !req
336. where she will be guaranteedCopy !req
337. a lucrative Civil Service job for life.Copy !req
338. Well, we can't compete
with that, but...Copy !req
339. But nothing.Copy !req
340. Get your slimeless hands off her.Copy !req
341. People, people, space monsters.Copy !req
342. This is going nowhere.Copy !req
343. There's only one manCopy !req
344. who can settle an argument
this bizarre.Copy !req
345. Jerry,
Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry...Copy !req
346. OK, we're back.Copy !req
347. Homer, how'd it feel to learn your babyCopy !req
348. was fathered
by a drooling space octopus?Copy !req
349. It made me angry, Jerry.Copy !req
350. Angry and tired.Copy !req
351. Well, you're about to get
a whole lot angrier,Copy !req
352. because we have the extramarital
extraterrestrialCopy !req
353. backstage in a soundproof booth
where he can't hear us.Copy !req
354. I hear all.Copy !req
355. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Kang.Copy !req
356. - Hey.Copy !req
357. Yeah!Copy !req
358. Mmm.Copy !req
359. Oh!
- You one-eyed,Copy !req
360. two-timing.Copy !req
361. I'm gonna.Copy !req
362. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
363. Well, hyperbolic paraboloid!Copy !req
364. Yo mama!Copy !req
365. Yeah, I got a questionCopy !req
366. for that gross thing, whatever it is.Copy !req
367. - Homer.
- No, the green dude.Copy !req
368. If you're that baby's daddy,
where you been at?Copy !req
369. You know, somebody needs to learnCopy !req
370. your green ass some responsibility.Copy !req
371. Yeah.Copy !req
372. Now, hold on, Kang.Copy !req
373. You can't bully my audience
with your fancy ray gun.Copy !req
374. And now for my final thought.Copy !req
375. Nobody wins when parents
put their petty squabblesCopy !req
376. above the welfare of a child.Copy !req
377. Let's hope they put
their differences aside,Copy !req
378. and do what's best for Maggie.Copy !req
379. Get the baby off!Copy !req
380. - Son of aCopy !req
381. Bouncers!Copy !req
382. I am so embarrassed.Copy !req
383. I can't believe it.Copy !req
384. Jerry Springer didn't
solve our conflict.Copy !req
385. And now he's dead.Copy !req
386. Anyhoo, this is your last chance.Copy !req
387. Turn over the baby now.Copy !req
388. Or we will destroy
all your leaders in Washington.Copy !req
389. Oh, you couldn't destroy
every politician.Copy !req
390. Just watch us.Copy !req
391. Don't forget Ken Starr.Copy !req
392. Suckers.Copy !req
393. Come on, Maggie, let's go home.Copy !req
394. I'll drive.Copy !req
395. I need blood.Copy !req
396. My eyes! My beautiful eyes.Copy !req
397. Captioned by Visual Data Media ServicesCopy !req