1. D'oh!Copy !req
2. You promised to stop watching that telly
and take me on holiday.Copy !req
3. Shut uppa your mouth!Copy !req
4. Ethnic Mismatch ComedyCopy !req
5. number 644 has been canceled.Copy !req
6. While we scramble to find new programmingCopy !req
7. please enjoy this encore presentationCopy !req
8. of Princess Di's funeral.Copy !req
9. I was really starting to enjoyCopy !req
10. Ethnic Mismatch Comedy number 644.Copy !req
11. I've never heard so many
Viagra jokes in 30 seconds.Copy !req
12. Shut uppa your mouth!Copy !req
13. Attention, Springfield,Copy !req
14. how low will you go?Copy !req
15. Ow!Copy !req
16. To win a trip to... Hawaii!Copy !req
17. This Saturday, our judges will select
the lowest, most disgusting nitwit in townCopy !req
18. and send him straight to Maui!Copy !req
19. Sponsored by Grandma Plopwell's,Copy !req
20. the low-fat pudding
that's approved for saleCopy !req
21. by the government.Copy !req
22. All right! A gross-out contest!Copy !req
23. Grandma Plopwell, you've done it again.Copy !req
24. Care for a free sample?Copy !req
25. Thank you.Copy !req
26. Mm, for low fat,
this pudding's pretty good.Copy !req
27. Mmm... mmm...Copy !req
28. Oh, I can feel the pounds
just melting off.Copy !req
29. Our new hyper-sugar gives you 300% of
your minimum daily sweetness requirement.Copy !req
30. - Mm...Copy !req
31. do you suffer from diabetes?Copy !req
32. Uh... no.Copy !req
33. Well, you do now.Copy !req
34. We're here live from the KBBL parking lot
to seeCopy !req
35. how low will you go?Copy !req
36. Our most disgusting contestant
will win a free tripCopy !req
37. to Hartford, Connecticut.Copy !req
38. - I thought it was Hawaii.
- No one said Hawaii.Copy !req
39. Now let's get stupid
with our first contestant,Copy !req
40. the human garbage disposal.Copy !req
41. - Ladles and jellyspoons,Copy !req
42. I will now take going low to new heights.Copy !req
43. I will swallow anything,
and I mean anythingCopy !req
44. you people throw.Copy !req
45. - Here, take this.Copy !req
46. Please, no more spark plugs.Copy !req
47. Lisa, would you like a penny
to throw at your brother?Copy !req
48. Unbelievable. We're rewarding people
for acting like buffoons.Copy !req
49. Young lady, this may be
the high point of Bart's life.Copy !req
50. Cut him some slack.Copy !req
51. No, wait!Copy !req
52. That wasn't a trick!Copy !req
53. I was going to juggle chickens!Copy !req
54. Next up, Homer and his amazing
Redenbacher DreamcoatCopy !req
55. with a number he calls "Kernel Knowledge."Copy !req
56. Fours?Copy !req
57. Ow! Ow!Copy !req
58. Oh, this is so embarrassing.Copy !req
59. Lisa, did anyone force you
to come here today?Copy !req
60. You.Copy !req
61. - Hmm. Well, no one's forcing you to stay.
- OK, I'm leaving.Copy !req
62. - Oh, you're not going anywhere, missy.Copy !req
63. But it's me, Moe, wearing a sailor suit.Copy !req
64. Moe with a lolly.Copy !req
65. It's a lot of character.Copy !req
66. - Ain't that worth nothing?Copy !req
67. Come on. Next.Copy !req
68. All right, judges, who is our winner?Copy !req
69. The winner is...Copy !req
70. me, for being seen with you freaks.Copy !req
71. Judges can't win the contest. Boo!Copy !req
72. You have robbed us of our dignity!Copy !req
73. What are you...? Aaah! A urinal cake?Copy !req
74. You, sir, have crossed the line.Copy !req
75. Aaah!Copy !req
76. People, stop! Stop!Copy !req
77. We're not animals!Copy !req
78. Take that.Copy !req
79. "An open letter
to the people of Springfield.Copy !req
80. Today our town lostCopy !req
81. what remained of its fragile civilityCopy !req
82. drowned in a sea of low-fat pudding."Copy !req
83. Look, I got runner-up prize.Copy !req
84. You won second place?Copy !req
85. No, but I got it.Copy !req
86. Stealing is wrong.Copy !req
87. "Free boudoir photography."Copy !req
88. Sweet.Copy !req
89. Hmm.Copy !req
90. Huh?Copy !req
91. Oh, right.Copy !req
92. "We are a town of lowbrows,
no-brows, and ignorami.Copy !req
93. We have eight malls but no symphony,Copy !req
94. 32 bars but no alternative theater,Copy !req
95. 13 stores that begin with 'Le Sex.'Copy !req
96. I write this letter not to nag
or whine but to prod.Copy !req
97. We can better ourselves."Copy !req
98. - Yee-ha!Copy !req
99. Well, most of us.Copy !req
100. Dad, did you see anything provocative
in today's paper?Copy !req
101. Yes. There's a real think piece hereCopy !req
102. about a bra sale.Copy !req
103. Dad, stop kidding around.Copy !req
104. Look, they printed my letter.Copy !req
105. Hey, that is wonderful,
sweetie. I'm gonna read it...Copy !req
106. just as soon as I finish
what I'm doing here.Copy !req
107. Well, I'm sure someone
had the time to read it.Copy !req
108. I envy them.Copy !req
109. Hi, Mr. Flanders.Copy !req
110. I see you're reading the newspaper.Copy !req
111. Everything
but the opinion page.Copy !req
112. I don't need to be told what to think...Copy !req
113. by anyone living.Copy !req
114. Chief Wiggum. Boy, you sure got
a lot of copies of the paper.Copy !req
115. Yeah, I need to housebreak
our new police dog.Copy !req
116. Plus, it couldn't hurt Ralphie to brush up
on the fundamentals.Copy !req
117. Daddy says I'm this close
to living in the yard.Copy !req
118. Oh, doesn't anybody in this town read?Copy !req
119. Oh, hello, Lisa.Copy !req
120. Can you recommend any books for my mobile?Copy !req
121. Oh, absolutely. Well, you know,
anything by Jane Austen.Copy !req
122. Jane Austen.Copy !req
123. Thanks, Lisa. I'll get right on it.Copy !req
124. "We read your letter with great interest.Copy !req
125. If you wish to learn more,
go to 13 Euclid Street.Copy !req
126. Tell no one. And bring a dessert." Ooh.Copy !req
127. Hey, Lise. Whoa!Copy !req
128. Lisa Simpson, are you readyCopy !req
129. to go on a voyage
of intellectual self-discovery?Copy !req
130. I think so.Copy !req
131. Is that a pie or a quiche?Copy !req
132. A pie.Copy !req
133. You may enter.Copy !req
134. - Oh!
- Welcome to Mensa, Lisa.Copy !req
135. It's the organization
for people with high IQs.Copy !req
136. I know that. It's also a constellationCopy !req
137. visible only from the Southern Hemisphere.Copy !req
138. She's good. She's very good.Copy !req
139. And she brought a cream pie.Copy !req
140. You want me to join Mensa?
Oh, that's wonderful.Copy !req
141. But don't I have to take
some sort of IQ test?Copy !req
142. No, Lisa, you're more than qualified.Copy !req
143. I've shared all your standardized
test scores with the other members.Copy !req
144. - Aren't those supposed to be confidential?
- Welcome to Mensa.Copy !req
145. You've joined such luminaries
as cartoonists Mell Lazarus, Geena Davis,Copy !req
146. and Parade magazine's Marilyn vos Savant.Copy !req
147. Each the tops in his or her field...Copy !req
148. uh, except for Mell Lazarus.Copy !req
149. - Wow. I'm so honored you wanted me.
- Well, it was yourCopy !req
150. delightfully condescending letter that
put you over the top.Copy !req
151. Lindsey Naegle, Advanced Capital Ventures.Copy !req
152. Oh. What do you produce?Copy !req
153. Synergy... and books
on how to cheat at Bridge.Copy !req
154. Lisa, I think you'll really enjoy it here.Copy !req
155. Now, let's get down to business.Copy !req
156. Any new palindromes?Copy !req
157. Rise to vote, sir.Copy !req
158. Now, you know the agenda.Copy !req
159. Palindromes, anagrams,
eat Lisa's pie, then voting.Copy !req
160. But "rise to vote, sir" is a palindrome.Copy !req
161. Lisa, I think you're gonna fit inCopy !req
162. just fine around here.Copy !req
163. Wow... me... fit in.Copy !req
164. Hello.Copy !req
165. I have a certificate
for a free erotic photo session.Copy !req
166. Oh, yes. Your name?Copy !req
167. Uh...Copy !req
168. Geraldo... Simpson.Copy !req
169. - All right, Mr. Simpson.
Who told you?Copy !req
170. Don't worry. These photos
are perfectly legal.Copy !req
171. Many husbands use 'em as a romantic gift
for their wives.Copy !req
172. Uh... you're not gonna ask me
to pose nude, are you?Copy !req
173. Well, yes, unless you have some issues
with revealing your body.Copy !req
174. Well, I don't, but the block association
seems to.Copy !req
175. They wanted a "traditional" Santa Claus.Copy !req
176. I can't believe how they're dumbing down
the Springfield library.Copy !req
177. They've gotten rid of
the English literature sectionCopy !req
178. and replaced it with
a "make your own sundae" bar.Copy !req
179. I heard they got rid of the reference deskCopy !req
180. - to make room for an air hockey table.
- Even the microfilm?Copy !req
181. - Even the microfiche.Copy !req
182. My family never talks
about library standards,Copy !req
183. and every time I try to
steer the conversation that way,Copy !req
184. they make me feel like a nerd.Copy !req
185. We are hardly nerds. Would a nerd wear
such an irreverent sweatshirt?Copy !req
186. Oh, only one person in a million
would find that funny.Copy !req
187. Yes, we call that the Dennis Miller ratio.Copy !req
188. Oh, Dad, I just spent the day
with the most wonderful people.Copy !req
189. Oh, that's great, honey.Copy !req
190. You tell me everything you can
before the commercial's over.Copy !req
191. Well, for the first time in my life,Copy !req
192. I feel that someone understands.Copy !req
193. Up-bup-bup-bup!Copy !req
194. Are you ready in there, Mr. Simpson?Copy !req
195. Are you sureCopy !req
196. you're a fully accredited
and bonded pornographer?Copy !req
197. Just come out.Copy !req
198. Please be kind.Copy !req
199. You look fantastic. Let me just adjust
my lens here.Copy !req
200. Now you're sure
this will save my marriage?Copy !req
201. Try not to speak;
it's making your body ripple.Copy !req
202. - Ugh!Copy !req
203. Ooh!Copy !req
204. Dad? Dad, are you home?Copy !req
205. Ow!Copy !req
206. Fine. I don't care what you're doing.Copy !req
207. Oh.Copy !req
208. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look.Copy !req
209. OK, I think he's gone.Copy !req
210. Let's reschedule.Copy !req
211. This is so cool.Copy !req
212. I feel like I'm back in the renaissance.Copy !req
213. Please stay in character, gentle wench.Copy !req
214. Verily I declare that the Earth
revolves around the SunCopy !req
215. and not t'other way round.Copy !req
216. Stop looking down my blouse, Copernicus.Copy !req
217. Forsooth, mine eyes doth
rove of their own accord.Copy !req
218. - Zounds!Copy !req
219. Someone took our gazebo.Copy !req
220. No, no, that's impossible.
We reserved it months ago.Copy !req
221. Someone should stand up to them.Copy !req
222. - Whoa!
- Mm...Copy !req
223. Oh, I'll do it.Copy !req
224. Excuse me, gentlemen.Copy !req
225. Might I take a peek
at your gazebo reservation form?Copy !req
226. - Beat it.Copy !req
227. Yes, well, we each have a good case.Copy !req
228. What part of "beat it"
didn't you understand?Copy !req
229. Mm. I guess it would be the "it."Copy !req
230. I'm not exactly sure to what that refers.Copy !req
231. It's a— Ow!Copy !req
232. Oh, it's hopeless.Copy !req
233. There's some she-males in gazebo three,Copy !req
234. a nasty-looking spider in gazebo six,Copy !req
235. and the less said about
gazebo eight, the better.Copy !req
236. Ah, Chief, thank God you're here.Copy !req
237. We reserved gazebo seven and look.Copy !req
238. Geez, how many gazebos
do you she-males need?Copy !req
239. Beer me, boys.Copy !req
240. Why do we live in a townCopy !req
241. where the smartest have no power,Copy !req
242. and the stupidest run everything?Copy !req
243. Maybe I should just move back to Alabama.Copy !req
244. No, we should fix things here.
If we put our minds to itCopy !req
245. there's no limit
to what we can accomplish.Copy !req
246. I think the girl's right.Copy !req
247. - The jig is up, Quimby.
- Oh, God.Copy !req
248. When you see what's in this report,Copy !req
249. things are going to change in this town.Copy !req
250. I earned that lotto money.Copy !req
251. I swear.Copy !req
252. - Hyah!Copy !req
253. Faster, you moron.Copy !req
254. Huh. Well, that was unexpected.Copy !req
255. What's going on? Where's the mayor?Copy !req
256. He skipped town.Copy !req
257. Really?Copy !req
258. So, who's in charge?Copy !req
259. Well, that's a good question.Copy !req
260. Let's, uh, take a quick look
at the town charter.Copy !req
261. Done.Copy !req
262. - Finished.
- According to the charter,Copy !req
263. should the mayor abdicate,Copy !req
264. the Council of Learned Citizens
may rule in his stead.Copy !req
265. Well, there's no one more learned than us.Copy !req
266. So, I guess...
we're in charge.Copy !req
267. What? Let me see that. Let me see here.Copy !req
268. "We the people, cruel and unusual,"
blah, blah, blah...Copy !req
269. "ritual circumcision," yak, yak, yak...Copy !req
270. Ah, geez, I'll take your word for it.Copy !req
271. I guess you are in charge.Copy !req
272. With our superior intellectsCopy !req
273. we could rebuild this city on a foundationCopy !req
274. of reason and enlightenment.Copy !req
275. We could turn Springfield into a utopia.Copy !req
276. A new Athens.Copy !req
277. Or Walden Two.Copy !req
278. Yeah, a real candyland.Copy !req
279. Of the mind... the mind.Copy !req
280. I'll just go now.Copy !req
281. Bunch of dorks.Copy !req
282. This is Kent Brockman at City HallCopy !req
283. where the intellectual junta
known as the "bright pack"Copy !req
284. has been running this town for
the better part of three days.Copy !req
285. So, Lisa, what do you
and your fellow eggheadsCopy !req
286. have planned for the city?
Business as usual?Copy !req
287. No, Kent, we're going to use
the power of good ideasCopy !req
288. to change things for the better.Copy !req
289. Well, excuse this jaded reporterCopy !req
290. if he says he's heard that before.Copy !req
291. - Oh, well, we really mean it.
You do?Copy !req
292. Yes. For example, no one
was showing up for jury duty,Copy !req
293. so we made the experience more excitingCopy !req
294. by synergizing it
with his comic book collection.Copy !req
295. "You have been chosen
to join the justice squadronCopy !req
296. 8:00 am. MondayCopy !req
297. at the Municipal Fortress of Vengeance."Copy !req
298. Oh, I am so there.Copy !req
299. We studied traffic patterns and foundCopy !req
300. that drivers move the fastest
through yellow lights.Copy !req
301. So now, we just have
the red and yellow lights.Copy !req
302. Come on! Stay yellow, stay yellow!Copy !req
303. Man, I'm making record time.Copy !req
304. If only I had someplace to be.Copy !req
305. And we've really elevatedCopy !req
306. the level of discourse at the dog track.Copy !req
307. We replaced the fanfare
with classical music,Copy !req
308. and instead of chasing a rabbit
the dogs chase a diploma.Copy !req
309. The world has already taken note
of our accomplishments.Copy !req
310. Springfield has moved up to number 299Copy !req
311. on the list of America's
300 most livable cities.Copy !req
312. Take that, East St. Louis.Copy !req
313. Gee, you said you were gonna
make me look sexier,Copy !req
314. but it's awfully dark in here.Copy !req
315. Light is not your friend.Copy !req
316. - All right, let's do this thing.
- It's time to get Homer-erotic.Copy !req
317. OK, next item of business
is our weekly progress report.Copy !req
318. Principal Skinner,
how's your transportation project coming?Copy !req
319. Oh, excellent.Copy !req
320. Not only are the trains
now running on timeCopy !req
321. they're running on metric time.Copy !req
322. Remember this moment, people...
80 past 2:00 on April 47.Copy !req
323. It's the dawn
of an enlightened Springfield.Copy !req
324. Excellent. Now, next week is
our State of the City address.Copy !req
325. Has everyone finalized their proposals?Copy !req
326. Well, first of all I have a planCopy !req
327. to eliminate obesity in females.Copy !req
328. Oh, please. For
a nickel-a-person tax increase,Copy !req
329. we could build a theater
for shadow puppets.Copy !req
330. Balinese or Thai?Copy !req
331. Why not both? Then everybody's happy.Copy !req
332. Oh, yeah, everyone's real happy then.Copy !req
333. Do I detect a note of sarcasm?Copy !req
334. Are you kidding me?Copy !req
335. This baby is off the charts.Copy !req
336. Ooh, a sarcasm detector...Copy !req
337. Oh, that's a real useful invention.Copy !req
338. Marge, oh, Marge.Copy !req
339. I've got something for you.Copy !req
340. Oh, Homie.Copy !req
341. Houston, we have a problem...Copy !req
342. a sexy problem.Copy !req
343. Homie, well, look at you.Copy !req
344. Grrr. And I'm gonna maul you.Copy !req
345. Home, I've never seen this side of you,Copy !req
346. but I like it.Copy !req
347. Whoo, whoo! Look at those silk pillows.Copy !req
348. It's like the set
of some high-class porno film.Copy !req
349. No, no, it's just our basement.Copy !req
350. Mm, hold on.Copy !req
351. What, that's our basement?Copy !req
352. Yes, so come on, more kissing.Copy !req
353. It looks so elegant, and all it takesCopy !req
354. are some lace curtains
and a beaded lampshade.Copy !req
355. You've got to show me
exactly what you did.Copy !req
356. But I was going to score.Copy !req
357. No, you weren't.Copy !req
358. Welcome, everyone.Copy !req
359. Today we embark on a new eraCopy !req
360. of intelligent governance.Copy !req
361. Governance! Governance! Governance!Copy !req
362. We have some new rules
and regulationsCopy !req
363. that you're just gonna go ape-poopy over.Copy !req
364. Professor Frank?Copy !req
365. Hi. Well, first of all,Copy !req
366. we're going to ban such barbaric sportsCopy !req
367. as bullfighting and cockfighting.Copy !req
368. Also boxing, uh, both kickCopy !req
369. - and the kind with the gloves, there.Copy !req
370. And hockey, football, push-ups,Copy !req
371. and anything in general
where you have to take off your shirt,Copy !req
372. - which is embarrassing.Copy !req
373. I don't remember discussing that.Copy !req
374. Inspired by the most
logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans,Copy !req
375. breeding will be permitted
once every seven years.Copy !req
376. For many of you this will mean
much less breeding.Copy !req
377. For me, much, much more.Copy !req
378. You cannot do that, sir!
You don't have the power!Copy !req
379. Uh-huh, ladies and gentlemen,
I must apologize.Copy !req
380. This man does not speak
for the Council of Alphas.Copy !req
381. We hold you sub-omeguloids
in the highest regard.Copy !req
382. When are we going to get
to my broccoli juice program?Copy !req
383. Quit butting in, please.Copy !req
384. Your IQ is a mere 155,Copy !req
385. while mine is a muscular 170.Copy !req
386. You should all do what I say.Copy !req
387. My IQ is 199 for crying out flaven...Copy !req
388. 198, 197...Copy !req
389. Big deal.Copy !req
390. My IQ is 280.Copy !req
391. Stephen Hawking!Copy !req
392. The world's smartest man.Copy !req
393. What are you doing here?Copy !req
394. I wanted to see your utopia,Copy !req
395. but now I see, it is more of a fruitopia.Copy !req
396. I'm sure
what Dr. Hawking means is...Copy !req
397. DR. Silence.Copy !req
398. I don't need anyone to talk
for me except this voice box.Copy !req
399. You have clearly been corrupted by power.Copy !req
400. For shame.Copy !req
401. Larry Flint is right.Copy !req
402. You guys stink.Copy !req
403. I don't know which
is a bigger disappointment...Copy !req
404. my failure to formulate
a unified field theory, or you.Copy !req
405. I don't like your tone.Copy !req
406. If you are looking for trouble,
you found it.Copy !req
407. Yeah, just try me, you—Copy !req
408. Ow!Copy !req
409. Now's our opening. Come on, you idiots,Copy !req
410. we're taking back this town.Copy !req
411. Yeah, let's make litter
out of these literati.Copy !req
412. That's too clever. You're one of them.Copy !req
413. Please, stay calm, everyone.Copy !req
414. Time for this hawk to fly.Copy !req
415. Wrong button.Copy !req
416. Help!Copy !req
417. Lisa, thank God you're OK.Copy !req
418. Did you have fun with your robot buddy?Copy !req
419. Dad... Oh, Dr. Hawking,Copy !req
420. we had such a beautiful dream.
What went wrong?Copy !req
421. DR. Don't feel bad, Lisa.Copy !req
422. Sometimes the smartest of usCopy !req
423. can be the most childish.Copy !req
424. - Even you?
- No, not me. Never.Copy !req
425. I guess everyone has a different visionCopy !req
426. for the perfect world.Copy !req
427. Wow, Mom, that's very profound.Copy !req
428. Hey, you read that off my screen.Copy !req
429. - Who's up for some beers?
- I am.Copy !req
430. That's the smartest thing
I've heard all day.Copy !req
431. Your theory of a doughnut-shaped universeCopy !req
432. is intriguing, Homer.Copy !req
433. I may have to steal it.Copy !req
434. Wow. I can't believe
someone I never heard ofCopy !req
435. is hanging out with a guy like me.Copy !req
436. All right, it's closing time.Copy !req
437. Who's paying the tab?Copy !req
438. I am.Copy !req
439. I didn't say that.Copy !req
440. Yes, I did.Copy !req
441. D'oh.Copy !req
442. Shh!Copy !req
443. Larry Flint is right.
You guys stink.Copy !req
444. Captioned by
Visual Data Media ServicesCopy !req