1. D'oh!Copy !req
2. Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me.Copy !req
3. Hmm.Copy !req
4. Hey, Springfield, if you're driving,
you may want to sit down.Copy !req
5. Uh-oh! Because it's time for Bill
and Marty's five o'clock's news flush!Copy !req
6. Our topless story...Copy !req
7. President Clinton has launched
a new website.Copy !req
8. Uh-oh. Wait, let me guess...Copy !req
9. - W-w-w dot...
- (wolf whistle)Copy !req
10. - ... Dot...
- (bed spring springing)Copy !req
11. (laughing) Website.Copy !req
12. OK,
here's another news flush.Copy !req
13. Doctors say the life expectancy
of the average man is now 76.2 years.Copy !req
14. 76.2?Copy !req
15. But I'm already 38.1.Copy !req
16. I've wasted half my life.Copy !req
17. (man imitating muted trumpet) Oh, yeah.Copy !req
18. Half my life gone and I'm only guaranteed
38 more years.Copy !req
19. Marge, I've wasted half my life.Copy !req
20. Sir, do you need a tow truck?Copy !req
21. What are you talking about, Marge?Copy !req
22. I don't need a— (glass breaking)Copy !req
23. OK, send the truck.Copy !req
24. Oh, honey, don't eat that.Copy !req
25. Wouldn't you rather have your sugar bag?Copy !req
26. No. I don't deserve sugar.Copy !req
27. I'm halfway to my grave
and I haven't accomplished anything.Copy !req
28. Oh, I am not looking forward
to my funeral.Copy !req
29. No, Homer wasn't a great man,
nor even an adequate man.Copy !req
30. And he certainly
never accomplished anything.Copy !req
31. Uh, President Lenny,
you have anything to say?Copy !req
32. Nah.Copy !req
33. All right. Fair enough.
Toss him in the hole, boys.Copy !req
34. There goes a real sack of crap.Copy !req
35. Indubitably, old chum.Copy !req
36. Oh...Copy !req
37. Marge, no matter what happens
in the future,Copy !req
38. promise me you won't vote for Lenny.Copy !req
39. OK, but you've accomplished a lot.Copy !req
40. You've made me very happy.Copy !req
41. Oh, yeah, they'll put me
on a stamp for that.Copy !req
42. I've wasted half my life, Marge.Copy !req
43. You know how many memories I have?Copy !req
44. Three... standing in line for a movie.Copy !req
45. Having a key made and sitting here
talking to you.Copy !req
46. Thirty-eight years and that's all I have
to show for it.Copy !req
47. You're 39.Copy !req
48. - Hi, Dad. How was work?
- Cold.Copy !req
49. Come on, let's get you
into your favorite shirt.Copy !req
50. Surprise!Copy !req
51. Oh. I see you're having a party.
I'll come back later.Copy !req
52. You can't come back later because...Copy !req
53. Homer Simpson, welcome to your life!Copy !req
54. to your life!Copy !req
55. The kids and I want to show you
all the great things you've done.Copy !req
56. Oh, all right. Maybe I can pinpoint
where my life went wrong.Copy !req
57. Quiet, Dad, or we'll have to
throw you out of here.Copy !req
58. (gasps) The pictures,
they're coming alive!Copy !req
59. There you are in outer space.
That's pretty impressive.Copy !req
60. Uh... all we did was grow
some space tomatoes and sabotage Mir.Copy !req
61. Remember when you almost became
heavyweight champ?Copy !req
62. No...Copy !req
63. Finish him! Finish him!Copy !req
64. Well, there's certainly
no greater accomplishmentCopy !req
65. than fathering three beautiful children.Copy !req
66. Hike!Copy !req
67. Oh, I should've punted.Copy !req
68. - Turn it off. Turn it off.
- Hang on, Dad...Copy !req
69. This next part will definitely
make you feel better about yourself.Copy !req
70. Hello, Homer. It's me,
KITT, from TV's Knight Rider.Copy !req
71. Your family has asked me to take time out
from my busy scheduleCopy !req
72. to invite you to a very special...Copy !req
73. Stupid movies.
Who invented these dumb things, anyway?Copy !req
74. Was it you, Bart?Copy !req
75. It was Thomas Edison, Dad.Copy !req
76. I thought he invented the light bulb.Copy !req
77. That, too, he also invented
the phonograph,Copy !req
78. the microphone and the electric car.Copy !req
79. No one man can do all that.Copy !req
80. You're a liar, honey,
a dirty, rotten liar.Copy !req
81. Finish her! Finish her!Copy !req
82. It's true. I read it on a place mat
at a restaurant.Copy !req
83. Really? A restaurant?Copy !req
84. Well, now I don't know what to think.Copy !req
85. Go! Go!Copy !req
86. Go! Go! Go!Copy !req
87. Top of the world, Ma!Copy !req
88. Cut it out, boy!
- (Bart groans)Copy !req
89. Dad, what are you doing here?Copy !req
90. Reading about this Edison character.Copy !req
91. They won't let me
in the big people library downtown.Copy !req
92. There was some... unpleasantness.
I can never go back.Copy !req
93. Ooh, look at all the inventions
Edison came up with.Copy !req
94. The stock ticker...Copy !req
95. the storage battery...Copy !req
96. even wax paper...Copy !req
97. And look at him dance.Copy !req
98. That's great, Dad.Copy !req
99. And these Hardy Boys books
are great, too.Copy !req
100. This one's about smugglers.Copy !req
101. - They're all about smugglers.
- No, not this one—Copy !req
102. "The Smugglers of Pirate Cove."
It's about pirates.Copy !req
103. Excuse me, are you a student
at this school?Copy !req
104. I think it's pretty obvious that I am.Copy !req
105. Go, school!Copy !req
106. So... this broad stands up in the oceanCopy !req
107. and this big wave knocks
her bathing suit off.Copy !req
108. Oh, yeah? And then what happened?Copy !req
109. Omit no detail, however small or filthy.Copy !req
110. So, anyway, and this is the partCopy !req
111. you'll remember
for the rest of your lives—Copy !req
112. Yeah, yeah, yeah, great story, Lenny,Copy !req
113. but here's one
that's even more spellbinding.Copy !req
114. Once upon a time,
there was a man named Thomas Edison.Copy !req
115. And he invented the dictating machineCopy !req
116. and the fluoroscope,
and the repeating telegraph...Copy !req
117. And he was a firm believer in Fletcherism
and he played the organCopy !req
118. and his favorite flower
was the heliotrope.Copy !req
119. Oh, and his middle name was AlvaCopy !req
120. and he never ever,
ever wore pajamas, and—Copy !req
121. OK, I think we've been polite
long enough here.Copy !req
122. Lenny, what happened with the dame
in the bathing suit?Copy !req
123. Huh? Oh.Copy !req
124. Uh...Copy !req
125. Oh, nuts. I forgot.Copy !req
126. All I can think of now is Edison.Copy !req
127. I can't even remember where I work.Copy !req
128. Well, I remember where Edison worked.
It was Menlo park.Copy !req
129. That's where he came up
with the tasimeter,Copy !req
130. the ore separator and—Copy !req
131. - Uh, James Watt invented the steam engine.
- That's boring.Copy !req
132. You're boring everybody.
Quit boring everyone.Copy !req
133. And then he worked on a machine
to communicate with the dead.Copy !req
134. Some kind of scary telephone, I guess.Copy !req
135. Or maybe he planned to stick his head
under the ground and yell.Copy !req
136. All right, already! Everyone knows
the man accomplished a lot.Copy !req
137. Maybe because he didn't spend
every waking momentCopy !req
138. talking about Thomas Edison.Copy !req
139. Oh, that's where you're wrong, Marge.Copy !req
140. He was a shameless self-promoter.Copy !req
141. Well, you're not Thomas Edison.Copy !req
142. Marge, that's it!Copy !req
143. That's why I haven't done
anything with my life.Copy !req
144. I need to be more like Thomas Edison.Copy !req
145. Whatever.Copy !req
146. And I'm starting right now.Copy !req
147. No more lousy pajamas! (grunts)Copy !req
148. From this day forward, I am an inventor!Copy !req
149. Do us a favor. Invent yourself
some underpants.Copy !req
150. Ah.Copy !req
151. Well, I quit my job just like you said to.Copy !req
152. I didn't tell you to quit your job.Copy !req
153. Yes, you did. I remember your exact words.Copy !req
154. You said I should quit my job
and become an inventorCopy !req
155. or you'd torch the house.Copy !req
156. That doesn't sound like me.Copy !req
157. Well, I suppose if this doesn't work out,Copy !req
158. you can always go back to the plant.Copy !req
159. (chuckling) Not the way I quit.Copy !req
160. Whoo-hoo.Copy !req
161. At my age, Edison had already invented
203 things.Copy !req
162. Oh-ho, I've got a lot of work
to do to catch up to him.Copy !req
163. Let's see, now...Copy !req
164. - Inventions, inventions...
- (footsteps approaching)Copy !req
165. Something electrical might be good.Copy !req
166. Eh, eh, eh. Let me handle
the creative end of this, Marge.Copy !req
167. You don't understand
how the creative mind worksCopy !req
168. - like I do.
- Oh?Copy !req
169. You look at this table
and what do you see? Just a table.Copy !req
170. Now, a creative person like me
looks at this tableCopy !req
171. and sees all kinds of creative things.
But no tables.Copy !req
172. Homer, that's not a table.Copy !req
173. That's our dryer.Copy !req
174. Aahh! My files!Copy !req
175. Hmm.Copy !req
176. This isn't working.Copy !req
177. I've got to try a different approach.Copy !req
178. Hmm...Copy !req
179. Hm? Hmm...Copy !req
180. Hmmm?Copy !req
181. You started smoking, Dad?Copy !req
182. Yes. Thomas Edison smoked
several cigars a day.Copy !req
183. - Yeah, he invented stuff, too.
- Shut up.Copy !req
184. Whoa...Copy !req
185. As long as you're here annoying me,
let's have a brainstorming session.Copy !req
186. Now, here's how it works...Copy !req
187. Lisa, you say one thing,
then, Bart, you say another.Copy !req
188. Just toss out things,
and I'll use my inventive mindCopy !req
189. to combine them into a brilliant,
original idea.Copy !req
190. OK. Um...Copy !req
191. Automatic...Copy !req
192. - Butt.
- OK.Copy !req
193. - Fluorescent...
- Booger.Copy !req
194. Uh-hmm.Copy !req
195. Wait a minute. These aren't exciting
new products.Copy !req
196. You're not even trying. OK, that's it.Copy !req
197. Both of you go to your rooms
and spank yourselves.Copy !req
198. Lazy father.Copy !req
199. Can't even spank his own kids.Copy !req
200. Homer, you can't punish the childrenCopy !req
201. just because you can't come up
with an idea.Copy !req
202. I don't see why not.
They're my kids, I own 'em.Copy !req
203. OK, we own 'em.Copy !req
204. Hmm.Copy !req
205. I brought you a tuna sandwich.
They say it's brain food.Copy !req
206. I guess because there's so much
dolphin in itCopy !req
207. and you know how smart they are.Copy !req
208. (groaning) It's no use.Copy !req
209. I can't work like this, cut off
from the scientific community.Copy !req
210. You stay here and guard my sandwich.Copy !req
211. And these should give you the grounding
you'll need in thermodynamics...Copy !req
212. Hyper-mathematics...Copy !req
213. And, of course, microcalifragilistics.
Moodavit.Copy !req
214. Look, I just want to know
how to invent things. Tell me.Copy !req
215. Well, all you have to do
is think of things that people needCopy !req
216. but which don't exist yet.Copy !req
217. You mean, like an electric blanket mobile?Copy !req
218. Uh, oh, well, possibly.Copy !req
219. Or you could take something
that already existsCopy !req
220. and find a new use for it, like...Copy !req
221. Hamburger earmuffs!Copy !req
222. Eh, uh, well, I suppose
that would qualify.Copy !req
223. Thanks! Sucker.Copy !req
224. What... all right,
just stay calm, Frinkie.Copy !req
225. These babies will be in the storesCopy !req
226. while he's still grappling
with the pickle matrix. Gyvinblayvin!Copy !req
227. OK... I have here
the four greatest inventionsCopy !req
228. in the history of mankind.Copy !req
229. First, my all-purpose electric hammer...Copy !req
230. for all your pounding needs.Copy !req
231. Ow! (muttering)Copy !req
232. - Hey, hey, OK. Look out.
- (cat screeching)Copy !req
233. Probably needs to be more powerful.Copy !req
234. I will buy ten of those right now.Copy !req
235. Now, here's my "everything's OK" alarm.Copy !req
236. - (piercing squawk)
- This will sound every three secondsCopy !req
237. unless something isn't OK!Copy !req
238. Turn it off, Homer!Copy !req
239. It can't be turned off!Copy !req
240. But it, uh, does break easily.Copy !req
241. Now, this next one's for the ladies.Copy !req
242. How many times have you gals been late
for a high-powered business meetingCopy !req
243. only to realize you're not wearing makeup?Copy !req
244. That's every woman's nightmare.Copy !req
245. That's why I invented
this revolutionary makeup gun.Copy !req
246. It's for the woman who only has
four-fifths of a second to get ready.Copy !req
247. Close your eyes, Marge.Copy !req
248. And now you're ready
for a night on the town.Copy !req
249. - Homer, you've got it set on "whore".
- Ohh. OK.Copy !req
250. This time...
Try to keep your nostrils closed.Copy !req
251. Oh, look what you did.Copy !req
252. Now I have to go get my cold cream gun.Copy !req
253. Dad, women won't like
being shot in the face.Copy !req
254. Women will like what I tell them to like.Copy !req
255. Now, here's something for everyone.Copy !req
256. In the olden times,
if you were watching TVCopy !req
257. and nature called, you'd have to get up
and walk to the bathroom.Copy !req
258. It was the hardest thing
in the world to do.Copy !req
259. But now, with the lazy man
reclining toilet chair,Copy !req
260. you can just lean back and let 'er rip.Copy !req
261. You expect people to go to the bathroom
in their living rooms?Copy !req
262. Sure. Believe me, every man in America
will want to have one.Copy !req
263. Gangway. Gotta poop.Copy !req
264. No, Bart.Copy !req
265. - Homer, all these inventions, they're...
- Yes?Copy !req
266. - (groans) They're not very...
- Yes? Yes? Yes?Copy !req
267. - They're terrible.
- What?Copy !req
268. I'm not saying you're a bad inventor.Copy !req
269. I'm just saying these particular
inventions are awful.Copy !req
270. And no one in their right mind
would buy them.Copy !req
271. Or accept them as gifts.Copy !req
272. But this is the best I could do.Copy !req
273. I guess I'm no better
at being Thomas EdisonCopy !req
274. than I was at being Homer Simpson.Copy !req
275. Oh, dear.Copy !req
276. I hope I wasn't too rough on him.Copy !req
277. Somebody had to tell him, mom.Copy !req
278. In the long run, it's much kinder to—Copy !req
279. Do you mind?Copy !req
280. All week, my lifelong dream
was to be the next Thomas Edison.Copy !req
281. But now it's over.Copy !req
282. I guess I'll just give up
my hopes and dreamsCopy !req
283. and settle for being
a decent husband and father.Copy !req
284. - Uh...
- (all yelling)Copy !req
285. Huh?Copy !req
286. What happened? You didn't fall.Copy !req
287. Oh, that... I stuck a couple extra legs
on there 'cause I kept tipping overCopy !req
288. when I was trying to invent stuff.Copy !req
289. They're on hinges.
That's really ingenious, Dad.Copy !req
290. It could save lives.Copy !req
291. Really? You think it's a good idea?Copy !req
292. Oh, yeah. Safety sells,
especially to lame-o's.Copy !req
293. - I'd buy one.
- Me, too.Copy !req
294. I did it! I'm going to be rich!Copy !req
295. Look, Mr. Edison, I did it!Copy !req
296. I'm an inventor!Copy !req
297. And I owe it all to you.Copy !req
298. See? It's just a regular chair.Copy !req
299. But I attached a couple
of extra legs to the back.Copy !req
300. Kind of like the ones
on the back of your...Copy !req
301. Aw, damn it!Copy !req
302. Hey, Dad. Heard you swearing.Copy !req
303. Mind if I join in? Crap. Boobs. Crap.Copy !req
304. I thought I had a great ideaCopy !req
305. but I must have seen it on this poster.Copy !req
306. If Edison thought of that chair,
how come it's not on this chart?Copy !req
307. It's not? Maybe he never told
anyone about it!Copy !req
308. That chair might be the only one he made!Copy !req
309. So?Copy !req
310. So... We've got to go to the Edison museumCopy !req
311. and smash it.Copy !req
312. Then I'll be an inventor!Copy !req
313. But I thought you loved Edison.Copy !req
314. Aw, the hell with him.Copy !req
315. Yeah! Hell, damn, fart!Copy !req
316. Taking Bart across state lines. Back soon.Copy !req
317. I took your wallet.Copy !req
318. Oh, I just mopped that driveway.Copy !req
319. Man, I can't wait to smash that chair.Copy !req
320. (chuckling) Oh, son,
you're young and headstrong.Copy !req
321. Just like Thomas Edison, Jr.Copy !req
322. You know, he started a mushroom farm
and an auto parts company.Copy !req
323. And he sold his good name
to a quack medicine company.Copy !req
324. Oh! And later, he raised turkeys.Copy !req
325. That was on his turkey farm.Copy !req
326. Hmm.Copy !req
327. Hmm...Copy !req
328. Mmm. Mmm.Copy !req
329. - Stop, Homer...
- (Homer gasps)Copy !req
330. By smashing my chair,
you're only hurting yourself.Copy !req
331. I'll get you, you fat lunatic!Copy !req
332. Uh-oh.Copy !req
333. Ooh...Copy !req
334. All right, the museum's still open.Copy !req
335. Why don't you like Edison that much?Copy !req
336. Hey, folks, do you like riddles?Copy !req
337. Well, OK then.Copy !req
338. How many geniuses does it take
to invent a light bulb?Copy !req
339. Just one... Thomas Edison.Copy !req
340. That's very good.Copy !req
341. And that's true, too.
It's funny and true.Copy !req
342. Now, behind that door
is Edison's actual preserved brain.Copy !req
343. Ordinarily, folks,
tour groups are not allowed to see it.Copy !req
344. And, of course,
today will be no exception.Copy !req
345. Now, no tour would be completeCopy !req
346. without a visit to Edison's
boyhood gift shop.Copy !req
347. Now, let's take care of business.Copy !req
348. Out of the way.Copy !req
349. This is one invention
you're not getting credit for,Copy !req
350. you inspiration-hog!Copy !req
351. Your electric hammer, maestro?Copy !req
352. Invent your way out of this, Edison!Copy !req
353. Hmm?Copy !req
354. Hmm.Copy !req
355. Look, son, Edison was just like me.Copy !req
356. You mean, the wild mood swings?Copy !req
357. No!Copy !req
358. We both lived in another man's shadow.Copy !req
359. This old-timey nerd and I have sufferedCopy !req
360. the same frustration and heartache.
We're not rivals.Copy !req
361. We're just a couple of dreamers
who set the bar a little too high.Copy !req
362. - I can't destroy your work, my friend.
- Can I?Copy !req
363. No, but we'll stop off
at the da Vinci museum on the way home.Copy !req
364. Uh, I think that's in Italy, Dad.Copy !req
365. Oh! Well, then we'll take
it out on Eli Whitney.Copy !req
366. Authorities say the phony pope
can be recognized by his high-top sneakersCopy !req
367. and incredibly foul mouth.Copy !req
368. In other news, Thomas Edison,
the greatest inventor of all time...Copy !req
369. - (both gasp)
- ... is apparently still inventing.Copy !req
370. Despite the notable handicap
of being dead.Copy !req
371. That's my Tommy!Copy !req
372. Two new Edison creations
have just been discovered in his museumCopy !req
373. a six-legged chair that won't tip over...Copy !req
374. and even more astounding,
an electric hammer.Copy !req
375. That was your idea.Copy !req
376. This brilliant innovation is expected
to generate millionsCopy !req
377. for Edison's already wealthy heirs.Copy !req
378. Dad, those should be your millions.Copy !req
379. I got to admit, Homer,
you're taking this pretty well.Copy !req
380. (gritting teeth) Let's just say
I'm sitting in the right chair.Copy !req
381. - (murmuring)
- Shh!Copy !req
382. Captioned by
Visual Data Media ServicesCopy !req