The Shrink Next Door: Season 1, Episode 1

1. Get you anything?

2. Aloha.

3. Mahalo.

4. - Rabbi Sherman. - Hello, boychick.

5. - Or should I say the king of Ping-Pong? - It's true.

6. - Watch out. He has ninja moves. - Thanks.

7. Thea? Either you're growing, or I'm shrinking.

8. Hey, Nick and Toni's, right?

9. - Wednesday night. I'm calling you! - You got it.

10. You're gonna love the corn.

11. Round Swamp Farm's. I shucked it myself. There he is!

12. Everybody, duck!

13. - Don't say it. Don't even think it. - What?

14. - I'm not playing golf with you again. - Why not?

15. "Why not?" That wasn't golf. That was more like hockey.

16. I was afraid for my life.

17. Have you tried the hot tub yet? You should try the hot tub.

18. Even you can't miss that.

19. I ought to...

20. Benjamin, what's going on?

21. You look so hot. You look like you're gonna faint.

22. Fresh air doesn't agree with me.

23. Well, that's because your mother raised you as veal.

24. Come on. Let's go in here, all right? There's air-conditioning.

25. There are hundreds of movies, all Academy Award winners.

26. Mind the boccie balls.

27. Lisa. Ike Herschkopf.

28. - Hi. - Thanks for coming.

29. - You look gorgeous as always. - Thank you.

30. You don't mind if we get a picture real quick?

31. - Sure. - Okay, so which button is—

32. - It's on top. - Do I have to wind it—

33. No, no. It's ready.

34. Okay.

35. - Top. - I pressed the wrong one.

36. - Can I just go find my glasses? - No. You know—

37. It's okay. Hey, hey! Come. Come here.

38. - Thank you. - Okay.

39. Come here. Can— Take this picture of us.

40. - Enjoying yourself? Great. - I am. I am.

41. Gorgeous. I love the house.

42. Thank you.

43. - Success. - Great.

44. Come, I wanna show you these cows. I got 'em in a gallery in the city.

45. - Okay. - They're so fun.

46. Collect some of these wet towels, will you?

47. Okay, stay in this room.

48. Stop. And then— Hey, where are you going? Back in here.

49. I'm gonna look for him— There he— Come on. Say hi to your uncle, Lizzie.

50. Uh-oh. Phyllis, call the exterminator.

51. We've got pesky little critters running around in the building.

52. I made an appointment with Dr. Herschkopf

53. - for you for this afternoon. - Oh, my gosh. They're all over me.

54. What are they, exactly?

55. Let's see. They have a lot of fur, and— Look at these little sticky paws.

56. - Did you hear me? - I can't go.

57. - Why can't you go? - Look,

58. - I don't want to talk to some stranger— - He's not a stranger.

59. Rabbi Goldberg recommended him.

60. No, I know. I know. Hey!

61. Don't tickle me.

62. Okay, girls, girls. Knock it off. Leave your Uncle Marty alone.

63. Come on, let's take the picture before you ruin your outfits.

64. Girls! Come. Come, come, come. Let's go. Come on.

65. Put the phone down, please.

66. Is that yours?

67. No. All right, thank you. You look adorable.

68. Look at this. Here's the question.

69. Do they make traps big enough to capture all these pesky critters?

70. I'm sure they do. We got some in the back.

71. Yeah, we do. Bruce, go get the broom.

72. Yeah, we gotta get the—

73. - Oh, my God! My head! - Go get the broom!

74. So, will you go?

75. I don't need to see Dr. Herschkopf, okay? I'm totally fine.

76. Uh-oh.

77. Looks like we do have some vermin in the building.

78. Oh, shoot!

79. - All right, you take the camera. - Yeah.

80. - I'll deal with her. Okay? - Yeah, okay.

81. Fine.

82. Here we go.

83. - Deborah! - Where is he?

84. Good to see you as well.

85. - Did you pass on my messages to Marty? - Yes. All eight of them.

86. Are you sure? 'Cause he didn't call back.

87. Maybe that's because you two broke up.

88. No. You don't break up with someone by fax, Phyllis.

89. No, I agree, but there are worse ways.

90. My husband ended our marriage by fucking his secretary.

91. So, I'd take a fax any day.

92. Okay, I don't really care. I just— Okay.

93. I wanna see him.

94. - He's not here. - He can't keep hiding from me.

95. I'm pretty sure he can.

96. He owes me.

97. Okay, let's cut this bullshit. I can't. I can't with this today.

98. He owes you nothing. It's over.

99. There's something I need to talk to him about.

100. It's a private matter.

101. Are you pregnant again?

102. - How fucking dare you accuse me of that? - Didn't you?

103. - Fuck you, Phyllis. - Listen to me.

104. Marty is a nice guy.

105. In fact, he's too nice. But I don't suffer from that particular affliction

106. and I will not let you exploit him.

107. What are you? His guard dog?

108. Worse. I'm his sister.

109. A guard dog will just bite you,

110. but a sister will rip out your goddamn trachea

111. and play it like a fucking flute.

112. You get the difference?

113. This is none of your goddamn business, Phyllis!

114. That's where you're wrong!

115. Marty is my business.

116. Okay.

117. Okay.

118. If he doesn't call me by this afternoon, there's gonna be trouble.

119. Well then, I guess there'll be trouble.

120. - Yeah, there's gonna be a lot of trouble. - No, I heard you the first time.

121. - Kiss my fucking ass, Phyllis. - Nice.

122. Fucking bitch.

123. Nice.

124. Big smiles on three. One, two, three.

125. Oh, my God. Okay. You know what?

126. Forget smiling. Just try to look less spooky.

127. You look like the twins from The Shining had another bunch of twins.

128. Oh, Mr. Abelman, hold on one second, okay?

129. Bruce, can you take over? Just try to get 'em to smile.

130. I mean, this hostage proof-of-life energy is not working for me.

131. I'll do my best.

132. Let's see, you ordered

133. the traveler curtain in cotton velvet velour.

134. - I did. With butterfly pleats. - Yes.

135. And as you can see it has the directional pile and the matte finish.

136. Is that Puccini? It seems dark.

137. No, it's regular Puccini. I mean, in this light it may look a little darker.

138. - I don't— - So we got you

139. the sharkstooth gauze and two legs.

140. Let me see the legs.

141. What's that supposed to be?

142. It's a velour leg in black.

143. On the back.

144. It's curtain lining.

145. Why?

146. It gives maximum opacity.

147. I didn't order a curtain lining.

148. Well, we just recommend that,

149. you know, for new drapes, to— to finish the drapes,

150. so you have your curtain lining to, you know, extend the life span.

151. Are you deaf? I didn't ask for it.

152. Look, we— we don't make it without the curtain lining.

153. - Oh, I bet you don't. - I mean,

154. - because it saves on wear and tear. - Because you can charge more.

155. - Listen. - No, you listen.

156. I didn't have to put up with this nonsense when your father was in charge.

157. I'm just trying to do what's best.

158. Thirty-four years I've been coming here.

159. - And we appreciate the business. - Where's Jerome?

160. - My uncle doesn't work here anymore. - Why not?

161. Because it's— it's— it's complicated.

162. I want to speak to Jerome.

163. Can you just hold on for one second?

164. Mr. Abelman!

165. Hi, how are you?

166. I'm not paying a cent until I've spoken to Jerome.

167. I see.

168. Could you give me one second, please?

169. Marty, what are you doing?

170. Now, you need to come out right now.

171. Marty, stop it. Marty, put it down.

172. Stop it.

173. You're having a panic attack?

174. What is the matter with you?

175. What are you— What are you afraid of?

176. He's just a grouchy old Talmud teacher who's had ear hair since he was 30.

177. What are you so scared about?

178. Marty, look at me. You're in charge now. You're the boss.

179. Bosses don't chew the fabric, Marty.

180. What's the matter? Marty, are you fainting?

181. Get up. No, get up now. Stop it.

182. You gotta get out there. You gotta...

183. Stop it! Marty, get up.

184. Are you kidding me right now?

185. Goddamn it, Marty!

186. I'm sorry, Marty is in a very important meeting right now.

187. Behind the curtain?

188. Yes, behind the curtain. How can I help?

189. He put a lining on my curtain leg. I didn't ask for it.

190. And if you don't take it off the invoice, I'll take my business elsewhere.

191. Well, we'll certainly be sad to see you go.

192. Your father would not be happy.

193. No, true.

194. But then again, he never was, so...

195. Bye, Mr. Abelman.

196. Come on.

197. Come here.

198. Oh, Marty.

199. Look at you.

200. You're a grown man smooshed against the wall,

201. hiding behind a wall of curtains in your own office.

202. I— I had to get out of there.

203. You need help, Marty.

204. You gotta see Dr. Herschkopf.

205. Hey, just one time.

206. That's all I'm asking.

207. Are you Marty?

208. Welcome. Good to see you. Come.

209. So, what brings you here?

210. I don't know.

211. I mean, that's the crazy thing.

212. I— I'm fine.

213. Everything's fine. It's so silly.

214. Yeah.

215. Phyllis made me come. That's the real reason.

216. Phyllis?

217. My sister.

218. She must be very persuasive.

219. Well...

220. So why does Phyllis think you need to come?

221. - Come again? - Why does Phyllis think you need to come?

222. I literally have no idea. It's ridiculous.

223. If I had to guess, I couldn't.

224. Everything's great. I don't have any problems.

225. I mean, I'm good.

226. I'm like a cool breeze.

227. Don't hear that very often.

228. Well, that's my story.

229. I feel bad. I feel like this is a waste of your time.

230. I'm sorry.

231. I'm gonna go.

232. Well, look. Hey.

233. Huh?

234. You're here.

235. Might as well stay.

236. Just to keep Phyllis quiet, right?

237. True.

238. So funny. Have a seat.

239. Relax.

240. It's okay. We can just shoot the breeze.

241. - Okay. - Okay.

242. Is there any particular breeze you'd like to shoot?

243. All right.

244. Well, why don't you tell me about yourself?

245. Well, not much to say.

246. You know, born in New York. Live in New York.

247. Great job. Great life.

248. You know? Nothing to say.

249. You really don't wanna be here, do you?

250. - Well, look— - You know what?

251. I think you're right.

252. It's a beautiful day out. Why don't we take a walk?

253. A walk?

254. Yeah.

255. - Together? - Sure. Why not?

256. So, tell me about your great life. I'm envious.

257. Nothing really to tell.

258. I love my job.

259. I run a fabrics company.

260. My dad used to run it, but now— now my mom and dad are—

261. Well, they're not— you know, they aren't, uh...

262. They left it to me in their will.

263. How long ago did they pass away?

264. How long?

265. Is it pretty recent?

266. So now you're the boss, huh?

267. You like that?

268. Uh-huh.

269. People who work for you, they coping with the transition?

270. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They're great.

271. They're like a family. I've known 'em my whole life.

272. A great bunch of guys.

273. I mean, my uncle's suing me, but it's fine.

274. He's suing you?

275. Yeah. It's not a huge deal.

276. Just, you know, normal family drama.

277. He wants to run it.

278. He doesn't think I can, but it'll be fine.

279. Sounds pretty tough.

280. No, really. It's fine.

281. It's fine. It'll blow over.

282. Are you married?

283. I was seeing someone, but we just split a few weeks ago.

284. I'm so sorry.

285. No. No, it's actually a good thing.

286. I am so much better off without her.

287. And the only problem is, right before we split,

288. I promised her a vacation to Mexico.

289. And now she keeps showing up,

290. saying that I owe her a vacation to Mexico.

291. You know.

292. But apart from that, everything really is—

293. Fine?

294. Yeah.

295. Come on.

296. Let's play.

297. What?

298. Basketball.

299. Well, I don't really play all that much.

300. Hi, guys. Need two more?

301. - Yeah, sure. - Yeah? Okay.

302. - Yeah. Can run with them. - All right.

303. I'll be on your team. You be on their team.

304. - I'm not great at basketball. - That's okay.

305. - I just wanna warm up. - Ah, we're just having fun, man.

306. - All right. Here we go. - Vamos! Vamos! Vamos!

307. - All right. Come on. - All right.

308. - Check up. - Check up.

309. - It's on! Right there! Right there! - Move! Come on. Come on!

310. Hey, you know what your problem is?

311. Yeah, I can't run and bounce at the same time. It's a hand-eye thing.

312. - Your problem is you're good-looking. - No.

313. - Successful. - Not really.

314. - And you've got money. - Maybe.

315. And you're nice. You're too nice. You let people take advantage of you.

316. - You think so? - Watch him!

317. Marty! Pass me! Me!

318. - Pass! Pass! - Pass me the ball!

319. Look where you're throwing.

320. What were you doing, man?

321. What are you doing? He's not even on our team!

322. Man, I was open in the paint all damn day.

323. What's wrong with you?

324. - He said. - Man, come on.

325. He said! You said!

326. Why would you do that?

327. - No, you did that. - You—

328. I just asked you for the ball. You didn't need to pass it to me.

329. - All right. Let's go again. - Check in.

330. Loser's ball. Loser's ball.

331. Who are you?

332. I'm Marty Markowitz.

333. Are you Easy Mark Markowitz?

334. No.

335. You're a tough guy, right? What are you?

336. - A tough guy. - That didn't sound very tough.

337. That sounded wispy. Billowy. Are you billowy?

338. - No. I'm not billowy. - No, you're not. Of course you're not.

339. - I don't think so. - No!

340. And what aren't you gonna put up with?

341. - Well, here's the thing. I did promise— - You're not gonna put up with

342. - any more of her BS. - Watch it.

343. - And what's she gonna get from you? - Well, she said—

344. Nothing. Nothing. Are you gonna tell her that?

345. I mean, she can be pretty difficult.

346. Do it now. Call her.

347. Now? I don't think now is the right time.

348. No time like the present.

349. Look, I'll even donate my own dime. Here.

350. This call is gonna cost you nothing, but it's gonna save you $1,000.

351. And your peace of mind.

352. I don't think I'm ready.

353. Marty, I'm right here.

354. Hey, Deborah. It's Mar—

355. I'm sorry.

356. I just haven't— I'm sorry.

357. No, I— Look, work's been crazy.

358. - I— I haven't been— - You can do this.

359. Listen.

360. Here's the thing.

361. I can't pay for you to go to Mexico for a week.

362. Uh-huh. Five days would be cheaper.

363. - Yeah. - No.

364. Or— Or would you consider three days in Poughkeepsie?

365. - I have a coupon. There's spa privileges. - No.

366. No.

367. - I have one. - It doesn't matter.

368. - I have two coupons, actually. - That's not what you...

369. - I'm sorry. - Marty.

370. - I— I— I'm so— - Marty.

371. Please don't yell at me.

372. You don't need to ye—

373. Okay. Marty. Come on, come on.

374. Oh, no. Oh, no, you—

375. - Breathe. Breathe. - Oh, God.

376. You hung up on her. That's not gonna be good.

377. - You shouldn't have hung up on her. - It's okay. You all right?

378. - Yeah. - I feel you sweating through your coat.

379. - I'm gonna pass out. - You're not gonna pass out.

380. You're not gonna pass out.

381. We're right here. Okay? We're right here.

382. - Let me get the— Let me get this. - Yeah. Okay.

383. - Just a little bit further to go. - Okay.

384. Hey, Joe. Do you have, maybe, a seat, a chair,

385. maybe a glass of water for my friend, please?

386. - Oh, no. - Yeah, yeah. No, it's okay.

387. Just relax. Just breathe.

388. - Thank you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

389. Here, sit down. Sit down.

390. - Relax. - Yeah.

391. That's it. Breathe, okay? Just breathe. Deeply. All right, in. Breathe in.

392. One, two, three, four.

393. Breathe out. Two, three, four.

394. Breathe in. Thank you. Great. You're doing great. Here.

395. - Okay. Thank you. - Have a few sips.

396. - You're okay. - Thank you.

397. All right, breathe in.

398. - I'm okay. - Breathe out. There you go, yes.

399. Is that the kind of advice you charge all that money for?

400. That's eight years of training right there.

401. - Great. - Wow.

402. - How you feeling? - Yeah, much— much better.

403. Better? You look better.

404. - Yeah. - Yeah, good.

405. - Thank you. - You were a little green around the gills.

406. - I apologize. - Not at all. No need.

407. Say, Doc, I don't know, but I have those items ready if you want them.

408. Yeah. Okay, sure. Great.

409. How you feeling?

410. - Yeah. Good. - Yeah?

411. - I think I'm all right. Yeah. I just— - Good.

412. - All right. What do you think? - Hey, all right!

413. That's it. You're doing terrific.

414. I li— Hey.

415. Marty.

416. What do you think? Recognize her?

417. I don't think so.

418. You don't recognize Jackie Stallone?

419. Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling?

420. - Oh. Yeah. - Right. Right, right, right.

421. Look, here's another—

422. This is just a letter I had published in The New York Times.

423. About the death penalty.

424. Trenchant.

425. Would— would it be better if the photo had a mat?

426. Then the frames could be the same size. Like, they'd balance each other.

427. - You know, I think he might be right. - Do you want me to do that? I can do that.

428. Then if you use a green mat, it'll pick up the green in your shirt.

429. - You after my job? - No. No.

430. He's got a real eye.

431. You want to take this one? And then I'll adjust the Jackie Stallone?

432. - Sure. - Great.

433. You're very good at this.

434. I work with fabrics. I know about color.

435. Why does your uncle say you can't run the company?

436. Because I can't.

437. His words or yours?

438. My words, which I know everyone is secretly thinking.

439. - I can't do it. - I don't think that's true.

440. You don't know me.

441. I don't believe that about anyone.

442. Every single human being on the face of the earth can change.

443. And they can strive and improve themselves.

444. They just have to want to.

445. And you believe that to be true?

446. My father told me I wouldn't amount to anything.

447. Look at me now.

448. He was a Holocaust survivor.

449. He's a hero.

450. What do you do when a hero tells you you're a loser?

451. I don't know.

452. Prove them wrong.

453. All right. So, that is $37.

454. You know what? I left my wallet in the office.

455. That's okay. I'll keep it till next time.

456. I didn't know I was coming out. Shoot.

457. It'll keep.

458. Yeah.

459. You know, I could pay you for the session now. In cash.

460. - Really? - Sure.

461. You know what— It's fine, you don't have to.

462. No, no, no. I want to. Look, I owe you money. I should pay.

463. No. I can come back.

464. - It's okay. - If there's one thing I'm good at,

465. it's my accounts.

466. I'm not gonna be the guy who doesn't pay his bills.

467. - It's fine. I don't— - You're doing me a favor.

468. You're saving me from writing a check and having to mail it to you.

469. Okay. Okay. Then, well, thank you. It's— I appreciate it.

470. - Absolutely. - Well, that's very, very kind of you.

471. Let's see, it's 45, right?

472. - Right, yes. - Right?

473. - It is 45. - Yeah.

474. Is— Is that not 45?

475. Right. No, no, it is.

476. It's just— It's— It's 45 per hour.

477. And we went over.

478. Right. But you know what? Don't worry. It's on me.

479. No, no, no. I wanna pay the exact amount.

480. Don't be silly. It's fine.

481. - Absolutely not. - Marty.

482. Please.

483. Let's see.

484. - It's been an hour, 15. - You don't—

485. So, what would that be?

486. Well, if you go into the second hour

487. then I have to charge you for the full hour.

488. - Right, right, of course. No. - But, honestly, it's fine.

489. - Would you stop? - No. This is what I wanna do.

490. I'm trying to—

491. - We're gonna do this. - This— I mean...

492. - Enough already. - $90. I insist.

493. - Marty, no. No. It's fine. - It's done.

494. - It's do— It's not— - The money's in your hand.

495. Thank you, Marty.

496. - You're something else. - There you go.

497. - Joe, I'm gonna... - Thank you.

498. - Oh, no, I got it. - ... give you your stool.

499. - That was so kind of you, Joe. - Come on, no. I got it.

500. You are right though.

501. I think with a beveled edge and a green mat,

502. - it's going to look... - Where I'm coming from...

503. - ... really nice. - This shop is wonderful.

504. Because you see it in the vest. Marty, you know what?

505. We still have a little bit of time left in your session.

506. So, you know what I think we should do?

507. Take care of that Mexico business.

508. - Thank you, Joe. - Yeah. See you soon.

509. I really don't think this is a good idea.

510. In fact, it could turn out to be a terrible idea.

511. We're both gonna probably end up buying her trips to Mexico.

512. I'm not going to let that happen.

513. You say that, but you don't know her. You can't argue with her.

514. She's like Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, but with her brain.

515. You think you're winning, then she ends up flying off the top rope

516. and getting you in a headlock, and it's over.

517. Okay, well, put your leotards on, 'cause you can do this.

518. She's not here, so—

519. - Oh, my God, Marty. Finally. - What "Oh, my God"?

520. You get cut off on the phone, you call back. That's the way life works.

521. You don't understand life.

522. - When you get cut... - You didn't have to scream.

523. - I wasn't screaming. - You were screaming.

524. I was not screaming.

525. Fine. I— Look, I— Okay, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.

526. I get it. I get it. It's over. But you promised me a trip to Mexico.

527. And I found an ocean view at a hotel in Cancún which has everything included...

528. Okay. Well, that's—

529. Unacceptable.

530. Who are you?

531. - Who is this? - Marty is my client.

532. Your client? You brought a lawyer?

533. Marty will not be paying for a trip to Mexico.

534. But he promised.

535. Any promise Marty made was made verbally and not in writing.

536. - Who gives a shit? - It was also made in good faith,

537. assuming the relationship was ongoing.

538. No, he never said anything about that.

539. I said I'd always wanted to go to Mexico, and Marty said he would pay. Marty?

540. You said you would pay. Right?

541. - Are you trying to take advantage of him? - No.

542. It sounds like you are.

543. Do you really want to be that kind of person?

544. No. He said.

545. Marty, tell him.

546. You said it. You said that you would pay.

547. I can't speak to what he said before,

548. but I can hear quite clearly what he's saying now.

549. And what he's saying is, "no more."

550. Marty says you are to cease and desist from calling,

551. from coming to his workplace,

552. and from any and all contact from him or with any member of his family.

553. Marty also says if you do not cease and desist,

554. he will not hesitate to use the full force of the law against you.

555. Marty says he will not be paying for a trip to Mexico.

556. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

557. Marty also says, if you continue in this vein,

558. the only view your room will have is a view of the prison yard.

559. Martin.

560. Did you say that?

561. I said something very much to that effect.

562. This meeting has been documented.

563. Good day.

564. It has been documented, so...

565. Get out of my apartment.

566. Oh, my God.

567. - Did you see her face? - I feel like I'm on drugs.

568. I mean, I've never taken them before, but,

569. I mean, I assume this is what drugs feel like.

570. - You feel good? - I feel amazing.

571. Wait, "view of the prison yard"?

572. That was a stroke of genius.

573. - It was, wasn't it? Give me five. - Yeah.

574. - Give me ten. - Yeah.

575. - Give me seven and a half. - What's that?

576. It's nothing. I'm messing around.

577. Ah, you did it, Marty. You stood up for yourself.

578. Yeah.

579. You're a good man, Marty.

580. I'm fairly busy, but I like you. And I think I could help you.

581. Okay.

582. You let people use you.

583. I'm not gonna let anyone use you.

584. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

585. Sound good?

586. Yeah. That sounds good.

587. I'm gonna help you.

588. And everything's gonna be all right.

589. And the first thing I'm going to do is completely unethical.

590. I'm gonna give you a hug.

591. I'm a hugger.

592. - Hey. - What?

593. Look at those. How cool are they?

594. Oh, yeah. Very cool.

595. I'm gonna buy those one day.

596. I feel like we robbed a bank or something.

597. - Right? - Almost.

598. - I mean, the adrenaline. - I know, I do.

599. I don't think I'll sleep tonight.

600. You know what? Have a mint tea.