1. Excuse me.
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2. Would anybody like
to purchase a hand?
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3. I have a human hand
for sale.
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4. Is — Is anyone interested in —
in a buying a man's hand?
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5. How much
for just two fingers?
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6. Oh.
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7. Buy me a whiskey,
and we'll call it even.
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8. So, what do you plan to do
with all them fingers, anyway?
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9. And then
there was Violet Galuhwaye,
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10. whose insecurity
climbed in through her window
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11. on the night
of her 19th birthday.
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12. From that day forth,
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13. it controlled her every move
with its steady man hands.
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14. She was so grateful
for all the attention,
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15. even the air around her
learned how to vomit.
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16. And just when the world looks
most bleak, love rears its face.
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17. It rears and rears
and rears and rears...
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18. Once all alone,
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19. Violet swore if her Insecurity
would only return,
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20. she'd never take it
for granted again.
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21. It is often said that witnessing
the warmth of true love,
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22. even from a distance,
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23. can transform
the loneliest heart
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24. into a burning pile
of garbage.
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25. Thankfully, the local hospital
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26. was well versed
in modern medicalia.
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27. Scalpel.
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28. Bone saw.
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29. Slam poet.
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30. Oh, say can you scream,
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31. by the con's burly plight?
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32. In God we thrust,
in butts we nut.
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33. Uncle Sambo
and Agent Orenje Julieass
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34. used mustard gas
and ketchup gas
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35. to relish truth, justice,
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36. and the American't waste.
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37. Oh, that was lovely.
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38. Did you write it?
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39. Nurse, tape her up, please.
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40. Once her mouth was taped up,
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41. people began to see
Violet's beauty.
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42. And after others
see your beauty,
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43. you may actually
become beautiful.
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44. Possibly even blond.
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45. Violet became so beautiful,
she grew beauty marks.
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46. So many that soon you could
no longer see her face —
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47. just the beautiful
beauty marks.
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48. Now everyone who gazed upon her
was captivated
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49. by her comeliness.
[ Wolf-whistle ]
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50. But there was only one
she wanted.
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51. Hello? 911?
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52. God, please come quick!
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53. He's choking!
He's choking!
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54. This beautiful monster came in,
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55. flaunting
her ravishing good looks...
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56. and her exquisite allure
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57. murdered the only man
she'll ever love!
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58. He's dead!
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59. Beauty got blood
on its hands that night,
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60. which revealed one thing.
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61. When I ponder the infinite
expanse of the universe,
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62. I realize just how insignificant
we humans truly are.
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63. I don't like feeling
insignificant, see?
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64. How do you like it?
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65. Huh?
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66. Yeah, bitch, get in there!
Yeah, get!
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67. That we drink
to drown the darkness
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68. that's been punishing us
ever since that mysterious day
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69. when all the stars packed up
and left the sky.
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70. Like how, after 35 years,
even the healthiest couples
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71. must find ways to keep
the love fresh and exciting.
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72. Gloria!
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73. Gloria, go get me a beer!
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74. What's takin' you
so long in there?
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75. I don't see
no beer in my hand.
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76. Do you see a beer
in my hand?
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77. My hand wants that beer,
Glor!
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78. It's gettin' antsy.
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79. My hand's itchin' for
that beer we discussed, Glor.
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80. Look at it!
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81. The hell?
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82. It's makin' sauce, Glor.
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83. Here's your damn beer.
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84. Don't bring me a beer
right now, woman!
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85. My hand's making sauce.
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86. The hell's
comin' outta there?
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87. My mom's famous
boogigabatch sauce.
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88. You're makin' a mess
all over the floor, Harry.
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89. Glor, you know
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90. how good my mom's secret
goojedubatchi sauce is?
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91. We're gonna be rich.
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92. Ah, geez. Is another
money-grubbin' scheme?
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93. Just taste it.
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94. Oh, my God.
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95. It's the most incredible thing
I've ever known.
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96. It can't be comin' from you.
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97. It's better than you.
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98. Do you see it
coming out of there?
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99. Yeah.
From your hand there.
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100. So I am makin' it, see?
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101. Now go get
the money bucket.
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102. You gonna let me touch
the money bucket?
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103. Ooh la la!
Chu-cha-cha!
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104. You catch it in the bucket,
sell it in town,
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105. we're in the gravy, baby.
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106. You married right,
I tell ya.
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107. I'm gonna call my mother
an' tell her.
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108. She always said
you'd never amount to nothing.
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109. Don't call her now!
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110. Handle it first.
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111. This is my chance to patch
things up with my ma.
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112. Now that I'm finally
proud of ya.
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113. Glor, all this sauce is
gettin' wasted, ya ding-dong!
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114. You know what?
Mother was right about you.
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115. All ya ever do
is sit on yer ass
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116. gushin' sauce out of ya hand.
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117. Glor, the bucket.
Please.
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118. Hello? Yeah.
Hey, Ma.
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119. I was just callin' to say
you were right about the bum.
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120. Come on, Gloria.
Get it yourself.
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121. I'm on the phone, Harry.
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122. You know I don't like
to get outta my chair.
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123. Money's dumpin' here.
C'mon.
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124. You don't have control
over me no more, Harry.
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125. I'm a wealthy woman now.
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126. I'm through with you.
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127. Please tell me
you're gettin' the bucket.
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128. Or at least a beer?
- I'm leavin' you, Harry.
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129. I'm gonna travel the world
with my big riches.
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130. And where'd
you get them riches?
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131. I happen to be partner
in a very lucrative
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132. new sauce organization
of some kind.
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133. So long!
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134. Aah!
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135. Gloria! Baby!
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136. Are you okay?
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137. Harry, Harry...
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138. I'm not gonna make it.
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139. Oh, God!
I wish I could save you,
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140. but I-I don't like
to get outta my chair.
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141. At least I'm gonna die
a wealthy woman.
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142. Finally, I can afford
to be sorry, Harry.
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143. Sorry I got so selfish
after I got rich.
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144. Maybe that's the secret
that the secret sauce
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145. was trying to teach us —
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146. that love is a...
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147. Noooooooooo!
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148. Noooo!
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149. The secret to love
was lost forever that day,
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150. but Harry hung on for weeks,
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151. refusing to eat
any of the murderous sauce
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152. that took his lady wife.
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153. Tragically, he didn't like
to get out of his chair,
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154. so he began to waste,
to starve,
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155. to die to death.
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156. And as his old friend and
sudden savior reared her face,
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157. Harry's gaze glimmered
and glormed with the realization
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158. that beauty glistens in the eye
of the beholder.
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159. Beholder, beholder.
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160. I'm beholding.
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161. I'm beholding.
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162. I'm beholding.
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163. So whoever beholds the hardest
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164. can make the sky insecure
once again...
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165. make it break out
in a disgusting rash of zits
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166. across the greasy face
of the endless night.
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