The Shivering Truth 1x5

Directed by

Maria Bamford as (voice) • Andrew Daly as (voice) • Zadie as (voice) • Peter Serafinowicz as (voice) • Janeane Garofalo as (voice)

Did you know that if you hold your mother against your ear and listen closely, you can hear your dead father softly crying "my child has gone banana"?

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Not to mention the fact that lies attract bunnies.

2. 911. What's your emergency?

3. Oh, God! An intruder.

4. This guy — He broke into my house,

5. and he tied me up, and — oh, God —

6. he made sure I had to watch as he w-woke up my — my wife!

7. And he — he charmed her. Made her laugh.

8. Then he made it so they found little similarities...

9. ways their world views coalesced,

10. and, over time, he made her fall in love with him.

11. In love?

12. And now they're in a committed relationship

13. where they look out for each others' emotional needs

14. with a maturity I'll never be capable of achieving.

15. Okay, sir, I'm going to tell you what to do.

16. But you have to remain calm.

17. Please, hurry.

18. Now. You're not going to be able to compete with this guy

19. on fulfilling her needs.

20. So you have to made a drastic show of indifference,

21. play on her insecurity.

22. Stoke her latent desire to have her inner sense

23. of worthlessness reinforced.

24. Can you do that for me? I don't know how!

25. Just ignore her, sir.

26. Then when she looks to you for validation,

27. treat her like dirt. Oh, God.

28. Degrade her. It's — It's working.

29. Don't let up. Keep it going.

30. It worked. We're back together.

31. Ah, thank you so much. No need to thank me, sir.

32. I'm just doing my job.

33. And then.

34. For show and tell,

35. Pauly Dindin showed and told his class

36. that if you hold a seashell to your ear,

37. you can hear the roar of the very ocean itself.

38. But some seashells work too well.

39. Some children hear too much

40. of what is happening on that fated shore.

41. Oh, just take in that salt air.

42. The sunset is radiant today.

43. Not as radiant as you, my love.

44. Oh, Angus!

45. What if your wife finds out about us? And your kid?

46. Little Pauly and his mother will never find out about us.

47. How can you be sure?

48. This is how.

49. Angus. Where did you get that gun?

50. Put that down.

51. I'm sorry, but I can't risk losing my wife.

52. I don't mind losing Pauly,

53. but that's neither here nor there.

54. What are you gonna do?

55. Nothing I haven't fantasized about a thousand times.

56. Only, usually it wasn't you.

57. It was my kid, Pauly.

58. No!

59. You did it, Angus.

60. Your problems are over.

61. I mean, you still got a crap-ass son

62. with crap all over his face.

63. Well, ya can't have everything.

64. All right, let me just see

65. if she's got any cash in her wallet.

66. Ooh! Grape gum!

67. Okay, ready?

68. You can do this.

69. Here we go. 911. What's your emergency?

70. I was jogging on the beach,

71. and I found the body of a stranger

72. who I've never seen before in my life!

73. Is the person dead?

74. Oh, she better be.

75. I-I mean, she looks like she's been shot by a lover.

76. Can you describe the victim?

77. Uh, let's see.

78. Uh, well, she's not the kind of woman

79. that I would be attracted to.

80. Just not my type.

81. Besides, I'm married.

82. I got a kid, too, but that wouldn't be a deal breaker

83. 'cause he's such a chode.

84. In fact, when I dropped my kid off at school today,

85. he's whining at me, like,

86. "Oh, I hope have embarrass myself at show and tell today."

87. I seriously had to stop myself from blasting

88. a snot rocket in his frickin' mouth

89. just to see the tweaked-out look on his stupid puss.

90. This kid of your sounds like a real piece

91. of garbage. Yeah.

92. Sounds like you've met the boy.

93. No, but I hope when he's in front of the class today

94. he wets his pants. Oh, yeah, lady?

95. Well, I hope he solids his face.

96. His classmates oughta call him "Solid Face."

97. Seriously. They should start doing that today.

98. Anyway, I'm sending an emergency vehicle to you

99. right away, so — Oh, the body!

100. It's — It's not dead!

101. She's got my gun. A gun.

102. She must have found it. I-I don't have a gun.

103. Please, honey. Okay, just put that down.

104. Aah!

105. Hello?

106. Hello?

107. Oh, God, something terrible happened.

108. This job sucks.

109. Every call tragedy after tragedy.

110. Calm down, Sheryl.

111. It's the only job you got.

112. At least you're not an absolute turd

113. like that kid Solid Face.

114. What a turd.

115. Take it easy. Take the next call.

116. I can't save 'em all.

117. 911. What is your emergency?

118. Elderly woman's voice: Oh, I don't want to be any trouble.

119. Never mind.

120. Ma'am? If you need some help —

121. No, I shouldn't have bothered you.

122. I shouldn't have. No, no, no!

123. It's — It's no trouble.

124. What is it? It's nothing.

125. I'm sure you're too busy to save a little lady's life.

126. Bye-bye. Ma'am, wait!

127. You can tell me what is wrong, and I will help you.

128. Don't waste your time worrying about me

129. and my unfolding personal emergency.

130. How are you?

131. Are you seeing anyone, dear?

132. I'm married.

133. Oh, that's nice.

134. D-Does he hit you? No.

135. Not at all. Is that what happened to you?

136. Did your husband hit you?

137. Oh, no. I never married.

138. I didn't want to trouble anyone.

139. It's just me and the cats.

140. Okay, if you're lonely, I can transfer you

141. to elderly services — Elderly?

142. Good heavens! I'm 24!

143. Do I sound elderly to you?

144. No! I just thought with the cats —

145. Oh, a young woman can't keep a few dozen cats.

146. I get it. Good one.

147. You got me. Really tore me down good.

148. No, I didn't mean to —

149. If you're done having your fun,

150. then why don't you go back to your fancy husband,

151. who doesn't hit you for some strange reason?

152. Ma'am. It's fine.

153. The cats have eaten most of my body by now.

154. I didn't want to be any trouble,

155. and I don't have the heart to shoo them off, so...

156. they're really digging in.

157. Okay, I'm sending animal control out now.

158. But what will the kitties eat?

159. Someone will be there within the hour.

160. They've eaten up to my throat.

161. I'm inside them now.

162. I live through them.

163. One in flesh, one in soul,

164. one in — Meow.

165. Excuse me, Mr. Darpi.

166. I think there's something wrong with this seashell.

167. Lyle Darpi suddenly wondered

168. if he had wasted his life teaching for a reason.

169. Perhaps this miracle

170. was finally the treasure he deserved.

171. Yes!

172. Now that he was rich, he was free to live life

173. to the fullest possible —

174. Oh. Oh, oh. Oh.

175. 911. What is your emergency?

176. I'm trapped upside down in my car. Losing blood.

177. Please, send someone quick. I'm — I'm rich.

178. I'll pay whatever. What's that?

179. I-If you can get someone here faster, money is no object.

180. Oh. I didn't realize you were wealthy.

181. You should have said something.

182. I'll transfer you to our luxury line.

183. Luxury line?

184. One moment, please.

185. [ Click, classical music plays ] Oh.

186. Good evening. 9-1-1 Deluxe.

187. My name is Charleston.

188. To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?

189. My name is Lyle Darpi. Please help.

190. Right away, Mr. Darpi.

191. What is the nature of our emergency this afternoon?

192. I'm trapped in my car. I think my leg is gone.

193. Oh, wonderful.

194. Well, we have a superb fleet of ambuli

195. for you to choose from — Anything!

196. Would you prefer standard stretch,

197. that comes with a stocked wet bar;

198. superstretch with hotted tub... Whatever's fastest!

199. super-duper- duper-double-decker,

200. which comes with a personal blood butler —

201. It doesn't matter! Just hurry!

202. Wolves are closing in!

203. Oh, excellent, sir.

204. And what is your Platinum Elite Plus member number?

205. I don't have one!

206. Oh, God, there are wolves coming!

207. It's perfectly fine, sir. No need to yell.

208. This is the luxury service.

209. I can just give you a new account.

210. Losing blood.

211. I'm losing blood and...

212. Losing blood. Losing blood. Yes, sir.

213. Losing blood. Losing blood.

214. This is all that kid Pauly's fault — Solid Face.

215. Uh-huh, and... yeah.

216. There we go.

217. And your confirmation number on the new account

218. is YTR583836839027FRTH85779.

219. Dash B.

220. Now go ahead and give me that confirmation number,

221. and we'll be good to go.

222. I-I don't remember it!

223. You've lost your confirmation number?

224. Please send help.

225. The wolves are licking blood off the hood.

226. Mm. You know what, sir?

227. I'm really not supposed to do this,

228. but I'm going to get you an ambulance

229. without the confirmation number.

230. Thank you! Absolutely.

231. So, would you prefer standard stretch,

232. which, again, comes complete with a fully stocked wet bar;

233. superstretch with hotted tub;

234. super-dupra-double-dog-lupra — Please!

235. The wolves!

236. Aah! Aaahhh!

237. But when a boy girds his hatches for a wolf attack,

238. he lowers his guard against the true threat.

239. Because certain fangs inject into the child

240. a recognition that every object in the physical realm

241. is a shell for something,

242. faintly sounding its source into the ear of the air.

243. He could hear the embarrassment of things around him.

244. He could sense how one particular pen

245. knew somewhere inside...

246. that, due to certain circumstances,

247. it would one day be responsible for more deaths

248. than a Nazi Holocaust with a side of Nagasaki.

249. Pauly could hear it knowing.

250. He became the greatest hero the world has ever not known.

251. And that was the moment

252. Pauly Dindin first came out of his shell.

253. 911. What is your emergency?

254. But after being robbed for ages,

255. the sea had taken its sound back

256. from all the shells that had stolen it.

257. Hello? It's broken.

258. And the ocean's throat was finally free

259. to share its innermost reflections.

260. So little Pauly solidified his face

261. and did what a good boy would do.

262. To this day, he remains at vigilant arms.

263. None of us know it, but he stays there for us.