The Shivering Truth 1x1

Directed by

Kevin Breznahan as (voice) • Robert Kelly as (voice) • Miriam Tolan as (voice)

Unfortunately, everything in the whole universe just oozed out from Doug Dwyer's head. But luckily, all that stuff is now coming over here to get you and also bite you.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Our best minds have determined

2. that the whole universe is the dream of one ant.

3. Huh?

4. Aah!

5. A-Are you okay?

6. I was just sleeping,

7. and I heard troubled breath.

8. Nothing. Nothing. I-I'm fine.

9. I just... had a nightmare.

10. What are you accusing me of?

11. I-I didn't shove anything all up in your ear.

12. I never seen that thing before in my life.

13. I don't even know what it is.

14. Besides, my thing would need

15. one twice that size.

16. What did you do to me?

17. Stop this! What d— What did you do?

18. Huh? Get up!

19. W-W-What's happening?

20. W-Why are you hitting me?

21. What have you done to me while I was sleeping?

22. What did you do to me?

23. I — I didn't do anything.

24. I don't think I did.

25. Did I do something to you?

26. Oh, God! What did I do?

27. What did you do to me? You monster!

28. I'm sorry. I'm so confused.

29. It's okay. I forgive you.

30. These things happen.

31. Why are you so good to me?

32. Because you have such tight, pretty ears.

33. Not really. You really wanna know?

34. I've never shown anyone this.

35. It's huge.

36. Thank you. Thank you so much.

37. Then again, toddler prodigy Trudy Glimmer

38. was the greatest peekaboo player the world had ever known.

39. Trudy?

40. W-Where's Trudy? I just saw her.

41. She was just here. Where'd she go?

42. Where'd she go?

43. Oh, God. She was just here!

44. Oh, my God! Trudy!

45. Where'd you go?

46. Oh, my God.

47. Oh, Trudy! My baby!

48. Where's my baby?

49. 911! Someone stole my baby!

50. Oh, God!

51. Someone stole my baby!

52. Oh, God, oh, God, oh God.

53. Oh, God. What's going on?

54. Where's Trudy? What happened?

55. Where is she? Aah!

56. You get that bastard that took her!

57. If he hurt a hair on her head, I swear,

58. I'm gonna rip God's face off

59. and — and ram it down his tip.

60. I promise I will find your daughter,

61. even if I have to kill her to do it.

62. Police rounded up every pervert in the area,

63. torturing them for information,

64. which, naturally, the perverts loved.

65. They undulated orgasmically for more.

66. The cops were all too happy to oblige.

67. Nipple twisting, purple nurples, blue nurples,

68. every nurple in the rainbow

69. turned up a steaming pile of zilch.

70. The trauma of losing their child tore the parents apart.

71. Last year, I let your brothers sandwich my business.

72. Ah, yeah, so did I, Chachi. So did I.

73. Before long, a father finds a suitable outlet

74. to properly deal with his grief.

75. If I don't see my child again soon, I'm gonna do this.

76. Some children are just naturally talented.

77. We'll never know why.

78. Peekaboo!

79. Trudy! Oh, sweetie, where were you?

80. Oh, my God, Trudy.

81. Don't ever disappear again.

82. Trudy?

83. Trudy! Trudy!

84. Peekaboo.

85. Mama? Papa?

86. We have long known that chickens can live for years

87. with their heads cut off.

88. Recently, embedded Mideast war reporters

89. have been dosing with huge infusions of chicken blood

90. to frustrate their terrorist beheaders.

91. This is what western infidels get!

92. Is that all you got, cha-cha?

93. Shut up and die, you infidel pig dog.

94. Uh, correction — chicken dog.

95. Bawk-bawk.

96. You are making me angry.

97. And you have schmutz on your dress.

98. Bonk! Gotcha! Bawk-bawk, playa!

99. Innocent bystanders were so amused,

100. they took the act on the road.

101. Why will you not die already?

102. Uh, why don't you brush your teeth already?

103. I'm warning you —

104. keep it up and I'll stop this holy war right now.

105. Bawk-bawk, homey. A-bawk-bawk.

106. Mmm, check the hottie in the front row.

107. Hey, uh, missy, you care for a three-way?

108. Or at least a 21/4-way?

109. Hey, I'm not severed where it counts.

110. Please die, for the love of Allah.

111. Tell you what, I'll die if you answer one question.

112. You have a deal. Fire away.

113. Why does your faith glorify hate?

114. You really want to know?

115. For me, it's — s-see, I never had a mother.

116. Wait, wait, if you never had a mom,

117. then how do you exist at all?

118. Jumpin' Jihad, you're right.

119. At that precise moment,

120. only one man was having a worse day at work.

121. We are so freaking disappointed

122. in your output, Dwyer.

123. Everyone else in this department types

124. at least 10,000 random numbers a day.

125. Your average is 19.

126. Sorry, sir. It's just —

127. I — It's just — What's so hard about it?

128. Just type random numbers as fast as you can.

129. See? Ding, ding, ding, ding. That's it. Easy peasy.

130. Now you try. Go!

131. Uh. Um...

132. Let's see, uh... Ooh...

133. Uh...

134. Um... Just hit numbers!

135. Faster. Faster!

136. But I can never decide which number to choose.

137. Don't think about it. Just type. It's random.

138. I know, but I still want it to be good.

139. Well, it isn't good.

140. And what's this?

141. There's some type of Goddamn hole

142. in the back of your head here.

143. Whoa.

144. Weird little critter living in there.

145. Hey, little guy. What the hell, Dwyer?

146. I wish you could see this. What is it?

147. What is it? Come on, Dwyer,

148. how the hell am I supposed to know?

149. Get your act together.

150. Let me feed this little thing for you.

151. Damn thing was hungry.

152. Maybe that's why you're doing a sucky job.

153. Did it eat?

154. What is it?

155. Dagit!

156. The damn thing's allergic to peanuts or something.

157. You're on thin ice with this nonsense, Dwyer.

158. I'm sorry. Here, l-let me help you wipe that up.

159. Just get back to work. And get that thing checked out.

160. What are you doing?

161. Just keep working, Dwyer. I'm having a look.

162. W-What the he— What the hell is this thing?

163. Ah! What the heck-fire? Just keep working.

164. Feisty little bastard.

165. Oh, wait. That's what's going on.

166. Feisty little bitch, I should say —

167. protecting her eggs.

168. Eggs?

169. I'm a little scared.

170. It's okay.

171. She got the little things hatching right now.

172. What does it look like? Christ, Dwyer!

173. Those things are loud. Buddy, these are disruptive.

174. This is not appropriate

175. for a workspace environment.

176. I'm sorry. I could strap a pillow to my head.

177. Muffle it. I can't hear you, Dwyer!

178. It's too loud!

179. Or could you fill it with water

180. and drown them? Or piss?

181. Sorry, Dwyer! Look, we gotta let you go.

182. You can fire me, but one day I'll show you.

183. I'll show you all.

184. Christ, Dwyer! It's too loud.

185. When he realized that no one believed in him,

186. Doug rushed home to see if he was there.

187. And the noble prize for the Most Random Series

188. of Numbers of All Time goes to...

189. Dougie Dwyer!

190. When he reflected on his strengths,

191. Doug finally began to love himself.

192. And when a man finds self-esteem,

193. he can coax himself to go all the way.

194. It got so steamy, even his vanity became aroused.

195. And Doug got to experience every man's fantasy —

196. a two-way with himself.

197. You're killing me. Killing me.

198. Kill me. Kill me harder. Kill me harder. Kill me deeper.

199. Kill me harder. Kill me harder, kill me deeper, kill me harder.

200. But alas, someone always gets hurt in love.

201. And when one raw-dogs it with a mirror,

202. the fruit of your vain comes home to roost...

203. Push! Push!

204. and our lives are filled with meaning forever,

205. as long as the screams don't get so loud

206. that they wake the ants that are dreaming us.