The Sarah Silverman Program. 1x4

Directed by Rob Schrab

Laura Marano as Heather Silverman / Young Sarah Silverman • Jane Yamamoto as Reporter • Scott Aukerman as Agent Falconer • Jill Talley as Patty Jenkins • Todd Bishop as NSA Agent

Sarah becomes an adviser to a local beauty-pageant contestant. She encourages a young girl to enter the pageant in order to fulfill her own childhood dreams. Meanwhile, Steve's behavior in a police car result in unforeseen consequences.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hi, I'm Sarah Silverman.

2. Oh, see? There I am.

3. That's my sister Laura. She's nice.

4. That's Jay. He has a mustache.

5. That's Brian and Steve. They're my gay neighbors.

6. Or gaybors as my grandma used to say.

7. Oh, and I took this picture of a learned Chinese man.

8. Some people call me on the phone.

9. My parents are dead. I like cookies.

10. What are we doing this for?

11. Does anyone know what this is for?

12. Unique New York. Unique New York.

13. Am I pretty enough, Daddy?

14. Showtime.

15. November 9, 1942.

16. Peter found some crackers.

17. Mama says we mustn't chew too loud

18. or the Germans may hear.

19. To think we were once Germans ourselves.

20. Well, Hitler's taken our nationality.

21. And he's taken our humanity.

22. But he's not gonna take our rhythm.

23. Sarah, stop.

24. Please stop.

25. As we tell you every year,

26. you're too old to be Little Miss Rainbow.

27. And as I tell you every year, when I wasn't too old,

28. this pageant screwed me over.

29. Because...

30. Because I didn't—

31. Because I didn't win.

32. Next, please.

33. Hi!

34. I will be performing a monologue

35. from Oliver Stone's Wall Street,

36. starring Michael Douglas.

37. Well, my point is, ladies and gentlemen,

38. that greed, for a lack of better word,

39. is good.

40. Greed in all its forms.

41. Greed for life, money, love, knowledge.

42. Hmm, not bad.

43. And greed will save not only Teldar Paper,

44. but that other malfunctioning corporation

45. called the U.S. of A.!

46. Stop right there, please.

47. You're doing a great job,

48. but I noticed there's no legal guardian signature

49. on your entry form.

50. Please, sir, this is my last year of eligibility.

51. All I've ever wanted was to win this pageant.

52. Sorry. No mommy, no pageant.

53. I'm her mommy!

54. I know what you're thinking.

55. It's crazy.

56. I look like I was ten when I had her.

57. Especially down there, if you know what I mean.

58. On my vagina.

59. I'm gonna be late for brunch. What are we doing?

60. I'm going to work. You can walk.

61. Are you crazy?

62. It's gotta be like five blocks.

63. No offense, but the exercise is not gonna kill you.

64. Oh, and also, the next time you need a ride from me,

65. call my cell, not 911.

66. Call my cell phone. Don't call 911.

67. Oh!

68. Talk to me.

69. I don't have all day, gayrod.

70. Oh, don't blame me,

71. Officer Douchebag's making me walk.

72. But don't worry, the score will be settled tomorrow.

73. I left a bomb in the police car.

74. Ha ha ha! Classic!

75. Left one of your sunrise specials?

76. Yeah, a huge one.

77. And it's gonna get nice and hot

78. in the police station parking lot.

79. Oh, man, you are a terror.

80. Well, hurry up.

81. Agent Falconer, we've got a situation.

82. Good morning, all.

83. Who's this?

84. Well, Laura, if you must know,

85. this is your new niece, Heather.

86. My niece? Hey, Heather.

87. Uh, my real name is Sarah.

88. Too confusing, baby.

89. It's Heather.

90. Sarah, who is this little girl?

91. I found her.

92. Yeah, I gotta say, this seems like a bad idea.

93. Says the man who thinks tushies are for penises.

94. Touché.

95. No, tushie.

96. Hey, sorry I'm late, you guys.

97. Who's the cute little girl?

98. I'm her daughter.

99. Yeah, like I said, this is pretty messed up.

100. You guys, don't make a big deal about this.

101. Heather and I have entered

102. a mutually beneficial relationship for one day.

103. I've got the brains. She's got the looks.

104. Together, we've got Fan-tasti-mart's

105. Little Miss Rainbow wrapped up.

106. Little Miss Rainbow?

107. Didn't you take second place in that pageant

108. when you were a little girl?

109. Wow, that stung.

110. Uh, yes, Laura, that's right.

111. But Heather's gonna make all of that go away.

112. Aren't you, my little bottle

113. of orange-flavored cough syrup?

114. Ooh!

115. No carbs, sweetie.

116. It's Little Miss Rainbow, not Little Miss Fat-Ass.

117. We have fun.

118. ♪ This is a poop song

119. Hello.

120. Hey, you called earlier?

121. Yeah, I want you guys

122. to come over and do some queer stuff to my daughter.

123. Excuse me?

124. You know, I mean she needs a whole makeover.

125. I need you guys to come over and, like,

126. do a whole montage on her.

127. Make her look fabulous and stuff.

128. Sarah, being gay doesn't make you genetically able

129. to do makeovers.

130. And besides, do Steve and I

131. seem at all fashionable to you?

132. No, you guys look horrible.

133. I thought it was just like, you know,

134. "the shoemaker's son has bare feet" kind of thing.

135. I guess.

136. All right, hold on a second.

137. Oh, my God!

138. Hello?

139. Good-bye.

140. You know, I've never gotten along this well

141. with anyone before.

142. The nuns at the orphanage

143. said I was selfish and inconsiderate.

144. But it really doesn't seem to matter to you.

145. I'm sorry. I zoned out.

146. Did you say something that will help us win?

147. What's going on?

148. You tell me.

149. Where's the bomb?

150. What bomb?

151. Oh!

152. Why don't we discuss this over cocktails?

153. Good, do it better.

154. Like, tap prettier.

155. I—I'm getting kinda tired.

156. Good! Use that.

157. Hello.

158. Hey, Sarah, so how's your little star doing?

159. She's okay, she just—

160. She doesn't have the goods.

161. She's just—she's not me.

162. What are you talking about?

163. She's a lovely, amazing...

164. All right, good to talk to you. talented, beautiful...

165. I'll talk to you later. Bye, gotta go.

166. That's weird, I don't hear any tapping.

167. I'm done tapping!

168. "She doesn't have the goods"?

169. Excuse me?

170. What do you know about talent?

171. You're unemployed, single, over 30,

172. and you severely overestimate your cuteness!

173. Ugh.

174. I choose to be over 30.

175. You can take that Little Miss Rainbow Pageant

176. and shove it up your - hole!

177. Maybe I will!

178. Maybe I will.

179. Oh.

180. Wh-what did you inject us with?

181. Sodium Amytal.

182. To help jog the memory.

183. All right.

184. You call this bomb a "sunrise special."

185. What does that mean?

186. I don't know, it means, uh,

187. not so silent, but very deadly.

188. Oh, yeah!

189. Is it biological or nuclear?

190. Both!

191. Aaaaaaah!

192. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

193. He's defenseless!

194. Today is too important for that!

195. Why would he do that?

196. Agent Romano, uh-uh, not again!

197. I love you guys so much.

198. I'm so glad I found the right door.

199. I wanted a little girl.

200. (Jim) Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Such a blessing.

201. Oh, my name's Heather.

202. Heather! What a pretty name.

203. Why, thank you!

204. This is how you run away, with the Jenkinsons next door?

205. Oh, Sarah, we were so blessed

206. to find this little child today.

207. Jimmy and I are unable to conceive.

208. We prayed every day

209. for the Lord to bring us our own little baby.

210. And today, the doorbell rang.

211. It's a miracle.

212. All right, I get it.

213. I'm demanding. I'm annoying sometimes.

214. You're right. I'm sorry.

215. I just... I think we really have a shot at this

216. if we work together.

217. Well, they're gonna buy me a pony.

218. Oh, no, now, sweetie, we never said that.

219. Okay, let's go.

220. Wait—we were gonna adopt her!

221. You snooze, you lose. To the Jews.

222. What is that supposed to mean?

223. Let's go over this again.

224. How many megatons?

225. I—I don't know.

226. I had leftover Indian food for breakfast.

227. Indian food—what?

228. What does that mean?

229. We don't know what that means.

230. It means the bomb I left in that car

231. is probably the biggest one I've ever laid in my life.

232. Your favorite book and why.

233. The Bible, because it teaches love.

234. Your solution to global warming.

235. Taking time to smile.

236. Your biggest hero.

237. Sarah Silverman.

238. Silly! Harriet Tubman.

239. Who's that?

240. I don't know.

241. She's, like, the first black bus driver or something.

242. The girl who beat me used it.

243. Yeah, I think you're ready.

244. I'm gonna make you proud of me.

245. Oh, sweetie, I'm already proud of you.

246. All you can do is make me unproud.

247. Ladies and gentlemen,

248. welcome to Fan-tasti-mart's 34th Annual

249. Little Miss Rainbow Pageant!

250. This pageant is yours. Say it.

251. This pageant is mine.

252. Yes.

253. Well... aren't you just adorable?

254. You look just like a little candy bar.

255. Thanks!

256. What a pathetic attempt at a psych-out.

257. I wouldn't worry about it, sweetie.

258. Overbites are hereditary.

259. Her daughter probably looks like a horse.

260. Sweetie, I want to tell you something.

261. You are the single most talented,

262. beautiful little girl

263. within the unfair age limits of this contest.

264. And I am honored to call you my daughter.

265. But what I would rather call you is my winner.

266. So go out there and do what you gotta do

267. to make that happen for me.

268. I will. Hugs are for winners, sweetie.

269. For those just joining us,

270. what we know right now is that a bomb

271. has been planted inside a patrol car.

272. The suspects claim to have really

273. "squeaked a Henry this time."

274. Though the term has caused some confusion

275. with ballistics experts,

276. authorities are describing the situation

277. as extremely dangerous.

278. Get those people back!

279. Watch your head, please.

280. Whoa.

281. Now, I figure you guys may be crazy,

282. but you're not suicidal.

283. So you're gonna walk us through this nice and easy.

284. All right?

285. Oh, sure. Whatever you want.

286. All right, where is the device that triggers the bomb?

287. Look, man, you just lay the bomb and get out fast.

288. Close the door and the next guy in the car

289. gets a face full of it.

290. Haven't you ever done this before?

291. Yeah, I've done this before, ass-wipe.

292. All right, Team Echo,

293. proceed to the package

294. with extreme caution!

295. Fantastic.

296. Absolutely wonderful.

297. And now for our final round of the Fan-tasti-mart

298. Little Miss Rainbow Pageant thing.

299. Let's hear from Amber.

300. Your question.

301. If you could change one thing in the world,

302. what would it be and why?

303. I would stop all war,

304. including the one we're in right now.

305. Yes!

306. Bad move, Amber.

307. I suppose it's a controversial answer,

308. but I'd rather be an honest loser

309. than a lying winner.

310. I think America

311. is the greatest civilization in history.

312. We outlawed slavery and created the United Nations.

313. America is as idealistic as it is strong.

314. And it's the burden of any country

315. that believes in peace to show the world

316. that peace is possible.

317. Thank you.

318. I can't follow that!

319. I give up!

320. Let me tell you a little story about a time when I gave up.

321. Heather Silverman!

322. About ten years ago, I got pregnant.

323. And everyone around me wanted me to give up

324. and have the baby.

325. And for about 81/2 months, I listened to them.

326. Until finally, I worked up the courage

327. to walk into that hospital and say,

328. "Get this thing out of me."

329. And let me tell you something.

330. Having an abortion is one of the hardest things

331. anyone could ever do.

332. It took hours.

333. I had to physically push the fetus out of me.

334. And when it came out, it was crying

335. and covered in this, like, gooky stuff.

336. I didn't have the money to pay so I crawled out the window.

337. And I went home and watched In Living Color,

338. because that's what was funny back then.

339. Heather, you have a choice.

340. You can walk away and give birth to a failure

341. that will haunt you for the rest of your life,

342. or you can go out there and have the abortion of your dreams.

343. So what's it gonna be?

344. Last call for Heather Silverman.

345. Your question.

346. Who is your biggest hero and why?

347. My biggest hero is...

348. Harriet Tubman!

349. My biggest hero is...

350. um, well, myself.

351. Because I'm really good at drawing.

352. I can sing.

353. And I'm pretty smart.

354. You might even say that I'm smarter

355. than my own biological mother.

356. Because she didn't realize

357. the great opportunity when she had one.

358. She just left me at that hospital.

359. But I guess if I saw her now, I could tell her that...

360. that I've done pretty good without her.

361. And now that I've realized that, I'm already a winner.

362. So give that crown

363. to that beautiful blonde princess over there

364. who went before me.

365. It'll help prepare her for the real world

366. where people like her get everything they want anyway.

367. But I believe with all my heart that you're looking

368. at an honest to gosh winner!

369. What kind of mother would just leave her baby

370. at the hospital?

371. Oh, my God.

372. She might win.

373. And the winner of this year's

374. Fan-tasti-mart Little Miss Rainbow Pageant is...

375. Little Miss...

376. Heather Silverman!

377. Aah!

378. We did it!

379. Little Miss Rainbow

380. is the single highest honor

381. any woman without boobs can ever get.

382. So I've been thinking a lot about us.

383. I've been thinking that,

384. you know, we could become a family.

385. I could adopt you.

386. We could spend so much time together.

387. We could win a lot of pageants.

388. So what do you think, daughter?

389. Um, awesome.

390. Look, things are kinda taking off for me now.

391. That guy over there is from the Gap Kids catalogue.

392. I might have to go to London.

393. Well, I'm just saying...

394. I'm saying good-bye.

395. Good luck with whatever you do next.

396. I'm sure you'll...

397. I—I'm sure you'll...

398. Oh, good luck. Come on.

399. Thank you.

400. Sorry we're late.

401. Yeah.

402. You wouldn't believe what happened to us today.

403. Did you lose a daughter?

404. No.

405. I'm gonna go to bed.

406. Yeah, you've had a rough day.

407. You guys can stay if you want.

408. I learned a lot today, Doug.

409. I learned that everybody has a hole to fill

410. in their heart.

411. But you can't fill it with a kid.

412. Because they'll just stomp on it and stretch it out,

413. and make it impossible to fill in the future.

414. My father told me something before he died.

415. And it's true.

416. I never realized until today, but it's true.

417. Kids are dicks.

418. Good night, Doug.

419. Where's the bomb?

420. It's at the airport.

421. Okay, um, before we begin,

422. I am legally required to now ask,

423. are we talking about a fart?