The Sarah Silverman Program. 1x3

Directed by Steven K. Tsuchida

Joanna Sanchez as Nurse • Kate Freund as Whitney • Rachael Harris as School Teacher • Mike Ivy as Homeless Mike • Jimmy Kimmel as Joan the Dispatcher

Sarah decides to take an AIDS test to cure her case of the blahs. Meanwhile Jay celebrates his birthday with a party.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hi, I'm Sarah Silverman. Oh, see, there I am.

2. That's my sister, Laura, she's nice.

3. That's Jay, he has a moustache.

4. That's Brian and Steve. They're my gay neighbours

5. or gaybours, as my grandma used to say.

6. This is some crappy drawing my cousin did.

7. Some people call me on the phone. My parents are dead.

8. I like cookies. What are we doing this for?

9. Oh, balloons!

10. I got a case of the blahs.

11. I need some good news.

12. Almost done.

13. I sure hope I don't have AIDS.

14. I know I don't have AIDS.

15. I just woke up feeling so poopy this morning,

16. and I just wanted good news.

17. - You know? - All right.

18. I just need to go down a quick checklist.

19. - Have you ever had unprotected sex? - Is there any other kind?

20. How many times have you had unprotected sex?

21. Well.

22. - There are two numbers here. - That's for the front.

23. But they're the same number.

24. I know, I'm kind of OCD like that.

25. Did you ever have a blood transfusion in the '80s?

26. Yeah.

27. You did? You had a transfusion in the '80s?

28. Oh, no. I thought you said, "In Haiti."

29. How long were you in Haiti?

30. I don't know, it's kind of hard to say. I was doing a lot of heroin at the time.

31. Okay, next question.

32. Forgive me, but I'm compelled to ask you.

33. Were you trying to get HIV?

34. I have AIDS.

35. No, no, no. The blood test results will tell us that for sure if you're positive.

36. This survey just lets the people in the lab know

37. they might want to wear extra gloves.

38. I have to say goodbye to my friends.

39. You should really wait for your blood test results before you do that.

40. Spoken like a person with all the time in the world.

41. And so this is the moment where I face my world's end

42. There's nothing left to save me now and nothing to defend

43. - Spare change? - No.

44. It's funny how I once considered earthly things a goal

45. My life is done and now I'm one with every living soul

46. - You don't have any spare change? - No. Don't be a dick.

47. How much fluid came out?

48. It was less than a gallon, but it was really, really thick.

49. - Happy birthday, Jay! - This is not a toy.

50. Jay, is it your birthday?

51. - Yeah, but I don't celebrate it. - Sweetie, what are you talking about?

52. Have you never had a birthday party?

53. Well, yes and no. I mean...

54. My mother used to tell me every day is my birthday, you know?

55. But that was to cover for her addiction to beer and cake.

56. Oh, sweetie.

57. Ended up killing her

58. on what turned out to be my real birthday.

59. Oh, honey, that is so weird and sad.

60. You know what? You're going to have your first happy birthday today, okay?

61. - We're going to throw you a party. - Really? You'd do that?

62. Yeah. We're gonna invite all your friends.

63. - You are so tender, it is insane. - Jay.

64. Joan, tell everybody that we're gonna have a big birthday party for me tonight.

65. - All right? It's my birthday. - Okey-dokey.

66. All my friends are cops. Except for you two, actually.

67. - You're coming, right? - To a party full of cops?

68. Yeah, we'll definitely try and make that one.

69. Okay, I'm really gonna do it. Have a birthday party.

70. I'm so happy and excited.

71. - Hello, everybody. - Hey.

72. Hey.

73. - Hey, Sarah, what's going on? - Nothing, Brian.

74. - Nothing at all. - Hey, can you pass the butter?

75. Yeah, I can pass the butter.

76. So yellow.

77. Is there something on your mind?

78. Nothing more important than anything else, Brian.

79. How are all of you?

80. Well, it's my birthday today, and tonight we are going to...

81. I have AIDS.

82. Hi, this is Sarah Silverman.

83. Why don't you stick around and see what happens next?

84. Previously, on act one of The Sarah Silverman Program.

85. I have AIDS.

86. And now, act two of The Sarah Silverman Program.

87. - You have what? - AIDS, Jay.

88. Billions of them.

89. Guess you guys aren't alone any more.

90. What? Sarah, just because we're gay doesn't mean we have AIDS.

91. Hey, you mind if I get a sip off of that?

92. Keep it.

93. - Sarah, you can't be serious. - Can't I?

94. AIDS is real, Laura. It doesn't only exist in award-winning films and TV shows.

95. So you're sure you're HIV positive?

96. I will be at 7:00, when I get my results.

97. Sarah, you really scared us!

98. What kind of maniac waltzes into a brunch

99. and eclipses a man's first birthday

100. with the mere possibility of having AIDS?

101. Jay, I'm sure she didn't mean to...

102. Laura, it's okay. We all grieve in our own way.

103. You should make your devilled eggs.

104. For Jay's birthday party, that's a great idea.

105. - Good, good, go on. - Really, you'll do that?

106. Live life as if nothing ever happened. It's what I want.

107. But do me a favour,

108. learn from me.

109. I paid the price for my awareness so that you guys don't have to.

110. Excuse me for eavesdropping, but I'm a schoolteacher,

111. and I'd love to have an extraordinary person like you

112. come speak to my class sometime.

113. Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of sometime, but I have now.

114. - Take me there. - Okay.

115. Wait, Sarah, we're planning Jay's...

116. Let the cuckoo clown go, okay? She can't ruin my party from out there.

117. Today, we have someone very special joining us.

118. Let's give a big Valley Village hello and welcome to Mrs Silverman!

119. - Hello and welcome, Mrs Silverman. - Hello and welcome, Mrs Silverman.

120. Mrs Silverman was my mother, and she was a bitch.

121. I'm Sarah.

122. So look at all of you. So young. You got everything in front of you.

123. All your dreams intact. You're invincible, huh?

124. I was that way once. I knew it all. Nothing could touch me.

125. Yeah, sure, I did some drinking, some drugging,

126. tried it in the butt one or nine times.

127. I was Teflon, or so I thought.

128. It never occurred to me that I could get AIDS.

129. I had to learn the hard way that it is not your sexual orientation,

130. nor your colour or your religion or your race that gets you AIDS.

131. It is your mouth, veins,

132. tushy and vagina.

133. So, what gets you AIDS?

134. Mouth, veins, tushy...

135. Thank you so much, Ms Silverman, the children will certainly...

136. Yes. They certainly will.

137. Well, I think you've done more than enough here.

138. Maybe.

139. But I haven't done enough out there.

140. It's my first birthday party.

141. Yeah, the total is $135.42.

142. I tell you, I am a lucky son of a gun

143. to have found a woman as healthy and as thoughtful as you.

144. Yeah, this card says "insufficient funds."

145. Oh, no, it's fine, I just put money in it yesterday.

146. Yeah, I just ran it three times and...

147. - Is there anybody else on the account? - No, it's just me and Sarah.

148. Excuse me for a second.

149. Hey, great job, Marcus. You, too, Rainbow. How fun is that?

150. Silverman AIDS Awareness Centre.

151. Sarah, did you spend $17,000 in the last two hours?

152. Gee, Laura, it's kind of hard to keep track of every penny

153. when you're at war with a killer.

154. - Print 10,000. - Yes.

155. - What did you use the money for? - I turned it into awareness.

156. I don't see my face on that.

157. Look, Sarah.

158. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that was really inconsiderate.

159. I use that money to pay your rent.

160. Laura, if I die before we patch things up, I want you to know I forgive you.

161. You know what'd be fun? If you dotted those "l's with hearts.

162. Okay.

163. I could murder her right now.

164. Sweetie, I'm so sorry. You're gonna have to pay for your party.

165. That's your response?

166. She cleans out your whole bank account and that's your response?

167. If you're gonna wear that hat, you have to pay for it.

168. What are you talking about? I'm totally annoyed with Sarah right now.

169. You're annoyed, are you? Listen, she committed a felony.

170. She ruined you. Do you understand that, Laura?

171. She should be in jail!

172. You should be in jail.

173. You're still wearing that hat,

174. and stuff from your head could get on the hat, so you have to buy it.

175. I will shoot you, and I will place an unregistered gun in your hand,

176. and that will be that.

177. Great game, Joe.

178. Hi, I'm Sarah Silverman, and if there's one thing I know, it's that AIDS is real.

179. Dead real.

180. Over 50 billion people get HIV every day.

181. That's one out of three people.

182. So look to your left and look to your right,

183. and if you don't see someone with AIDS, you're probably the one.

184. See this? It's AIDS. It's as real as an egg.

185. So get tested, be safe and buy a T-shirt!

186. I received a fax today

187. from our local beloved television network, and I quote,

188. "Ms Silverman,

189. "your so-called public service announcement

190. "seems to be rife with scientific inaccuracies

191. "and appears to promote more awareness of yourself than of HIV."

192. Clearly, our work here is not done.

193. Our work for AIDS awareness, right?

194. That's right. And we do that by informing people

195. about me and my AIDS.

196. And by letting people know how to prevent it?

197. Yes, but mostly by selling T-shirts and mugs.

198. But the fax, don't they have a point?

199. What?

200. I mean, don't you think that maybe you are promoting yourself a bit too much?

201. Okay. Wow.

202. Whitney, you've been questioning my leadership on this thing since it started,

203. and I think it's probably time for you to leave.

204. - But I've been... - Now.

205. Okay. Now that the dead weight is gone,

206. does anyone else here want to take AIDS lightly today?

207. People, we have a chance to make change.

208. Okay, if we can put a man on the moon,

209. we can put a man with AIDS on the moon.

210. And then, someday,

211. we can put everyone with AIDS on the moon.

212. So who's with me?

213. - Are you all right, dude? - No. I'm uncomfortable here.

214. I mean, we're gay, and we totally look like we smoke weed.

215. Yeah. Let's get out of here.

216. I don't care what anyone says,

217. Robocop was a better film than The Terminator

218. and a better video game.

219. - No question. - You guys agree?

220. - Absolutely. - Fully.

221. Listen, I wanted to say sorry about the stuff I said about Sarah.

222. I guess I was just feeling bad for myself.

223. No, you were right.

224. I've been thinking, and I need to be a lot tougher with her.

225. I think that Sarah acted like a total pube.

226. - You mean it? - Absolutely.

227. Wow. I never thought I'd hear you say something like that about her.

228. You're applauding yourselves.

229. You're applauding yourselves.

230. I am one of you,

231. so, in that respect, you are applauding me, and I thank you.

232. My name is Sarah,

233. and I am going to pump you up with AIDS awareness.

234. Thank you. Thank you. That was a good one.

235. People of AIDS, don't cW for me.

236. Long after I'm gone, I'll remain behind on every child's smiling lips.

237. I'm every star in the sky.

238. I'm every tear you cW.

239. I'm every...

240. 7:00 already. I got to get my blood test results.

241. Okay, everybody, listen up.

242. Jewel's gonna come out and sing a few songs.

243. I've got to get these blood test results.

244. If I do have AIDS, I'll be back in 10 minutes.

245. If I don't have AIDS, please enjoy Jewel's performance.

246. I hear she's wonderful.

247. What? What's the problem?

248. Are you booing me because I might not have AIDS?

249. Oh, my God.

250. Why are you being such fickle pickles?

251. I hate you!

252. Oh, my God!

253. If this is how AIDS makes you treat people,

254. I hope I don't have it.

255. Kill her! Get her!

256. But now, we hardly ever have to shoot people any more,

257. 'cause we could just taser them,

258. which is more fun anyway.

259. - And they go like that. - Nice.

260. My God, you know what would be a great police fight?

261. If you guys were chasing someone through a Lowe's hardware store,

262. and you both grabbed some rebar pipe and just started whaling on each other.

263. - I'd love that. That'd be awesome. - This is pretty cool.

264. You know, we thought we wouldn't get along with cops

265. 'cause we're gay and stuff, but this is fun.

266. Hey, Smitty, what's going on?

267. - There's a riot at some Sarah rally. - Sarah rally?

268. Yeah, she's this new AIDS-awareness chick.

269. They found out she might not have AIDS.

270. They're trying to kill her.

271. Well, can you beat that? Can you believe that little pube?

272. - I take it you're no longer... - She's my sister, and she's in trouble.

273. I'm feeling every heartbeat I'm counting every breath

274. No longer strolling through my life I'm marching to my death

275. Do not harass me.

276. The coldness of the night has helped me learn to love the sun

277. But now I fear I'm leaving here and I'll miss everyone

278. Dr O'Malley, your labs are back. Dr O'Malley, your labs are back.

279. - Sarah Silverman? - Yes.

280. Sarah, I'm sorry, but you

281. do have

282. no AIDS!

283. Oh, my God!

284. They call me Joan the Dispatcher

285. because there's already another Joan in accounting.

286. - You're tall. - Really?

287. Upon learning that she did not, in fact, know her status,

288. the crowd erupted in anger and attacked her.

289. And that's how a heart-warming stoW about a woman with HIV

290. became a riot about a woman

291. who may or may not have HIV. Cameron?

292. Oh, my God. Sarah.

293. Look, I know you don't like Sarah,

294. but let me tell you a story about what she's really like.

295. When our father died, I cried for days. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat.

296. And then Sarah came to me, and she said,

297. "Laura, I know you're hurting,

298. "but it's time for you to face the fact that our father was a total assmunch.

299. "The world is better off with him buried under piles of dirt

300. "with worms crapping in his mouth, and stop your crying, already."

301. And you know what? I did stop my crying,

302. and I grew up, and I became a nurse, and I met the most wonderful man.

303. Anyway, that's my big sister.

304. I guess I'm the assmunch. I've been the assmunch all day.

305. Jay.

306. - I'm so sorry your party got ruined. - You did not ruin my party.

307. It's great! You're here and my friends,

308. - and that is a gift that nobody can... - Hey, everybody!

309. Sarah, you're alive.

310. That's right. And guess who has two thumbs and zero AIDS?

311. This gal!

312. No crying, retard.

313. This isn't a funeral,

314. it's a day of rebirth.

315. It's my birthday!

316. Happy birthday, Sarah

317. - Happy birthday, Sarah - Happy birthday, Sarah

318. - Happy birthday, Sarah - Happy birthday, Sarah

319. - Happy birthday, Sarah - Happy birthday, Sarah

320. - Happy birthday, Sarah - Happy birthday, Sarah

321. - Happy birthday, Sarah - Happy birthday, Sarah

322. - Happy birthday, Sarah - Happy birthday, Sarah

323. - Happy birthday, Sarah - Happy birthday, Sarah

324. I learned so much today, Doug.

325. I learned that I should look before I leap.

326. And I learned that...

327. That, for some reason, people bring tomatoes to AIDS rallies,

328. which is weird.

329. But most of all, I learned that

330. prejudice is ugly.

331. It's wrong to judge people based on whether or not they have AIDS.

332. I mean, you don't have AIDS,

333. and I love you just as much as if you did. More even.

334. At any rate, I did get rid of my blahs.

335. Good night, Doug.

336. That was my chair.

337. I'm feeling every heartbeat I'm counting every breath

338. No longer strolling through my life I'm marching to my death

339. Do not harass me.

340. The coldness of the night has helped me learn to love the sun

341. But now I fear I'm leaving here and I'll miss everyone