The Sarah Silverman Program. 1x3

Directed by Steven K. Tsuchida

Joanna Sanchez as Nurse • Kate Freund as Whitney • Rachael Harris as School Teacher • Mike Ivy as Homeless Mike • Jimmy Kimmel as Joan the Dispatcher

Sarah decides to take an AIDS test to cure her case of the blahs. Meanwhile Jay celebrates his birthday with a party.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - Hi, I'm Sarah Silverman.

2. Oh see, there I am.

3. That's my sister Laura, she's nice.

4. That's Jay, he has a mustache.

5. That's Brian and Steve, they're my gay neighbors,

6. or gaybors as my grandma used to say.

7. This is some crappy drawing my cousin did.

8. Some people call me on the phone.

9. My parents are dead.

10. I like cookies.

11. What are we doing this for?

12. Oh, balloons!

13. I got a case of the blahs.

14. I need some good news.

15. - Almost done.

16. - I sure hope I don't have AIDS.

17. I know I don't have AIDS, I just,

18. I woke up feeling so poopy this morning

19. and I just wanted good news, you know?

20. - Alright, I just need to go down a quick checklist.

21. Have you ever had unprotected sex?

22. - Is there any other kind?

23. - How many times have you had unprotected sex?

24. - Uh, well.

25. - There're two numbers here.

26. - Oh, that's for the front.

27. - But they're the same number.

28. - I know, I'm kind of OCD like that.

29. - Did you ever have a blood transfusion in the 80's?

30. - Yeah.

31. - You did?

32. You had a transfusion in the 80's?

33. - Oh, no, I thought you said in Haiti.

34. - How long were you in Haiti?

35. - I don't know, it's kinda hard to say,

36. I was doing a lot of heroin at the time.

37. - Okay, next question.

38. - Forgive me, but I'm compelled to ask you,

39. were you trying to get HIV?

40. - I have AIDS?

41. - No, no, no, no, the blood test results

42. will tell us that for sure, if you're positive.

43. This survey just lets people in the lab know,

44. they might want to wear extra gloves.

45. - I have to say goodbye to my friends.

46. - You should really wait for your blood test results

47. before you do that.

48. - Spoken like a person with all the time in the world.

49. - Spare change?

50. - No.

51. - You don't have any spare change?

52. - No, don't be a dick!

53. - How much fluid came out?

54. - Hmm, it was less than a gallon,

55. but it was really, really thick.

56. - Happy birthday Jay!

57. - This is not a toy!

58. - Jay, is it your birthday?

59. - Yeah, but I don't celebrate it.

60. - Sweetie, what are you talking about?

61. Have you never had a birthday party?

62. - Well, yes and no, I mean, my mother

63. used to tell me every day is my birthday, you know?

64. But that was to cover for her addiction

65. to beer and cake.

66. - Oh sweetie.

67. - Ended up killing her, on what turned out to be

68. my real birthday.

69. - Oh honey, that is so weird and sad.

70. You know what, you're gonna have your first

71. happy birthday today, okay?

72. We're gonna throw you a party.

73. - Really, you'd do that?

74. - Yeah.

75. We're gonna invite all your friends.

76. - You are so tender, it is insane.

77. - Oh Jake.

78. - Joan, tell everybody that we're gonna have

79. a big birthday party for me tonight, alright?

80. It's my birthday!

81. - Okie dokie.

82. - All my friends are cops, except for you two actually.

83. You're coming right?

84. - To a party full of cops?

85. Yeah, we'll definitely try and make that one.

86. - Okay, I'm really gonna do it!

87. Have a birthday party!

88. Whoo ooo!

89. - I'm so happy, so excited.

90. - Hello everybody.

91. - Oh, hi.

92. - Hey Sarah, what's going on?

93. - Nothing Brian, nothing at all.

94. - Hey, can you pass the butter?

95. - Yeah, I can pass the butter.

96. So yellow.

97. - Is there something on your mind?

98. - Nothing more important than anything else, Brian.

99. How are all of you?

100. - Well, it's my birthday today and tonight

101. we are going to.

102. - I have AIDS.

103. Hi, this is Sarah Silverman, why don't you stick

104. around and see what happens next?

105. Previously on Act One of The Sarah Silverman Program.

106. I have AIDS.

107. And now Act Two of The Sarah Silverman Program.

108. - You have what?

109. - AIDS Jay, billions of them.

110. Guess you guys aren't alone anymore.

111. - What?

112. Sarah, just because we're gay, doesn't mean we have AIDS.

113. - Oh.

114. - Hey you mind if I get a sip off of that?

115. - Keep it.

116. - Sarah you can't be serious?

117. - Can't I?

118. AIDS is real Laura, it doesn't only exist in award winning

119. films and TV shows.

120. - So you're sure you're HIV positive?

121. - I will be at 7 when I get my results.

122. - Sarah you really scared us.

123. - What kind of maniac, waltzes into a brunch,

124. and eclipses a man's first birthday

125. with the mere possibility of having AIDS?

126. - Jay, I'm sure she didn't mean to.

127. - Shhhh, Laura, it's okay.

128. We all grieve in our own way.

129. - You should make your deviled eggs.

130. - For Jay's birthday party, that's a great idea.

131. - Good.

132. - Really, you'll do that?

133. - Good, go on, live life as if nothing ever happened.

134. It's what I want.

135. But do me a favor, learn from me.

136. I paid the price for my awareness

137. so that you guys don't have to.

138. - Excuse me for eavesdropping, but I'm a school teacher,

139. and I'd love to have an extraordinary person

140. like you come speak to my class sometime.

141. - Unfortunately I don't have the luxury

142. of some time, but I have now.

143. Take me there.

144. - Oh, okay.

145. - Wait, well wait, Sarah, we're planning Jay's.

146. - Shhhh shhh shhh, let the cuckoo clown go, okay?

147. She can't ruin my party from out there.

148. - Today we have someone very special joining us.

149. Let's give a big Valley Village hello and welcome

150. to Mrs. Silverman.

151. - Hello and welcome Mrs. Silverman.

152. - Mrs. Silverman was my mother, and she was a bitch.

153. I'm Sarah.

154. Look at all of you, so young.

155. You got everything in front of you.

156. All your dreams intact.

157. You're invincible, huh?

158. I was that way once.

159. I knew it all!

160. Nothing could touch me.

161. Yeah, sure, I did some drinking, some drugging.

162. Tried it in the butt one or nine times.

163. There's Teflon, or so I thought.

164. It never occurred to me, that I could get AIDS.

165. I had to learn the hard way that it is not

166. your sexual orientation, nor your color,

167. or your religion or your race that gets you AIDS.

168. It is your mouth, veins,

169. tushy and vagina.

170. So what gets you AIDS?

171. - Mouth, veins, tushy.

172. - Thank you so much Ms. Silverman.

173. The children will certainly.

174. - Yes, they certainly will.

175. - Well I think you've done more than enough here.

176. - Maybe, but I haven't done enough out there.

177. - Oh, it's my first birthday party.

178. - Uh yeah, the total is $135.42.

179. - I tell you, I am a lucky son of a gun

180. to have found a woman as healthy,

181. as thoughtful as you.

182. - Yeah this card says insufficient funds.

183. - Oh, no, it's fine, I just put money in it yesterday.

184. - Yeah, I just ran it three times and it.

185. - Is there anybody else on the account?

186. - No, it's just me and Sarah.

187. Excuse me for a second.

188. - Hey, great job Marcus!

189. You too Rainbow, how fun is that?

190. Oh, Silverman AIDS Awareness Center.

191. - Sarah, did you spend $17,000 in the last two hours?

192. - Gee, Laura, is kind of hard to keep track of every

193. penny when you're at war with a killer.

194. Print 10,000.

195. - Yes.

196. - And what did you use the money for?

197. - I turned it into awareness.

198. I don't see my face on that.

199. - Look, Sarah, I don't mean to sound harsh,

200. but that was really inconsiderate.

201. I use that money to pay your rent.

202. - Laura, if I die before we patch things up,

203. I want you to know, I forgive you.

204. Know what would be fun?

205. If you dotted those "i's" with hearts.

206. Okay.

207. - I could murder her right now.

208. Sweetie, I'm so sorry, you're gonna have

209. to pay for your party.

210. - That's your response?

211. She cleans out your whole bank account,

212. and that's your response?

213. - Uh, you, if you're gonna wear that hat,

214. you have to pay for it.

215. - What are you talking about?

216. I'm totally annoyed with Sarah right now.

217. - Oh, you're annoyed, are you?

218. Listen, she committed a felony, she ruined you.

219. Do you understand that, Laura?

220. She should be in jail!

221. - You should be in jail.

222. - You're still wearing that hat, and stuff

223. from your head could get on the hat,

224. so you have to buy it.

225. - I will shoot you and I will place

226. an unregistered gun in your hand

227. and that will be that!

228. - Great game Joe.

229. Hi, I'm Sarah Silverman, and if there's one thing

230. I know, it's that AIDS is real.

231. Dead real.

232. Over 50 billion people get HIV every day.

233. That's one out of three people.

234. So look to your left and look to your right,

235. and if you don't see someone with AIDS,

236. you're probably the one.

237. See this?

238. It's AIDS, it's as real as an egg.

239. So get tested, be safe and by a t-shirt!

240. I received a fax today from our local,

241. beloved television network, and I quote,

242. "Ms. Silverman, your so-called public service

243. announcement seems to be rife with

244. scientific inaccuracies and appears to promote

245. more awareness of your self than of HIV."

246. Clearly our work here is not done.

247. - Our work for AIDS awareness, right?

248. - That's right, and we do that by informing people

249. about me and my AIDS.

250. - And by letting people know how to prevent it?

251. - Yes, but mostly by selling t-shirts and mugs.

252. - But the facts, don't they have a point?

253. - What?

254. - I mean, don't you think that maybe you are

255. promoting yourself a bit too much?

256. - Okay, wow, uh, Whitney, you've been questioning

257. my leadership on this thing since it started,

258. and I think it's probably time for you to leave.

259. - But I've been.

260. - Now.

261. Okay, now that the dead weight is gone,

262. does anyone else here wanna take AIDS lightly today?

263. People, we have a chance to make change, okay?

264. If we can put a man on the moon,

265. we can put a man with AIDS on the moon.

266. And then someday, we can put everyone with AIDS on the moon.

267. So who's with me?

268. - Are you alright, dude?

269. - No, I'm uncomfortable here.

270. I mean, we're gay and we totally look like we smoke weed.

271. - Yeah, let's get out of here.

272. - I don't care what anyone says,

273. RoboCop was a better film than The Terminator,

274. and a better video game.

275. - No question.

276. - You guys, agree?

277. - Absolutely.

278. - Fully.

279. - Listen, I, I wanted to say sorry about the

280. stuff I said about Sarah, I guess I was just

281. feeling bad for myself.

282. - No, you were right.

283. I've been thinking and I need to be a lot tougher with her.

284. I think that Sarah acted like a total pube.

285. - You mean it?

286. - Absolutely.

287. - Wow, I never thought I'd hear you say something

288. like that about her.

289. - Sarah, Sarah, Sarah.

290. - You're applauding yourselves.

291. You're applauding yourselves.

292. I'm one of you, so in that respect, you are applauding me,

293. and I thank you.

294. My name is Sarah and I'm going to

295. pump, you up, with AIDS awareness.

296. Thank you, thank you, that was a good one.

297. People of AIDS, don't cry for me, long after

298. I'm gone, I'll remain behind, on every child's

299. smiling lips, I'm every star in the sky,

300. I'm every tear you cry.

301. Oh, 7 o'clock already, I gotta get my blood test results.

302. Okay, everybody listen up.

303. Jewel's gonna come out and sing a few songs,

304. I've gotta get these blood test results.

305. If I do have AIDS, I'll be back in 10 minutes.

306. If I don't have AIDS, please enjoy Jewel's performance.

307. I hear she's wonderful.

308. What?

309. What's the problem?

310. Are you booing me because I might not have AIDS?

311. Oh my God.

312. Ah!

313. Why are you being such fickle peoples?

314. - I hate you!

315. - Oh!

316. Oh my God.

317. You know, if this is how AIDS makes you treat people,

318. I hope I don't have it.

319. - But now we hardly ever have to shoot people anymore

320. cause we can just taser them, which is more fun anyway.

321. Zzzzzzzzz, ahhhhh!

322. They go like that.

323. - Nice.

324. Oh my God, you now what would be a great police fight?

325. If you guys were chasing someone through

326. a Lowe's Hardware Store and you both grabbed some

327. rebar pipe and just started whaling on each other.

328. - I'd love that, that'd be awesome.

329. - This is pretty cool.

330. You know we thought we wouldn't get along with cops

331. cause we're gay and stuff, but, this is fun.

332. - All units respond to a riot

333. at the Sarah Silverman AIDS rally at Lincoln Park.

334. - Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, Smitty, what's going on?

335. - There's a riot at some Sarah rally.

336. - Sarah rally?

337. - Yeah, she's this new AIDS awareness chick.

338. They found out she might not have AIDS.

339. They're trying to kill her.

340. - Well, can you beat that?

341. Can you believe that little pube?

342. I take it you no longer.

343. - She's my sister and she's in trouble.

344. - Do not harass me.

345. - Dr. O'Malley your labs are back.

346. Dr. O'Malley your labs are back.

347. - Uh, Sarah Silverman?

348. - Yes.

349. - Sarah, I'm sorry, but you do have

350. no AIDS!

351. - Oh my God!

352. - Um.

353. - They call me Joan the dispatcher because

354. there's already another Joan in Accounting.

355. - Huh.

356. - You're tall.

357. - Really?

358. - Upon learning that she did not, in fact,

359. know her status, the crowd erupted in anger

360. and attacked her and that's how a heartwarming

361. story about a woman with HIV, became

362. a riot about a woman who may or may not

363. have HIV, Gavin.

364. - Oh my God, Sarah.

365. Look, I know you don't like Sarah.

366. But let me tell you a story about what she's really like.

367. When our father died, I cried for days.

368. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat.

369. And then Sarah came to me and she said,

370. "Laura, I know you're hurting,

371. "but it's time for you to face the fact

372. "that our father was a total ass munch.

373. "The world is better off with him buried

374. "under piles of dirt with worms

375. "crapping in his mouth.

376. "And stop your crying already."

377. And, you know what?

378. I did stop my crying.

379. And I grew up and I became a nurse

380. and I met the most wonderful man.

381. Anyway, that's my big sister.

382. - I guess I'm the ass munch.

383. I've been the ass munch all day.

384. - Oh Jay.

385. I'm so sorry your party got ruined.

386. - You did not ruin my party.

387. It's great, you're here, and my friends.

388. And that, is a gift that no body can.

389. - Hey everybody!

390. - Sarah, you're alive!

391. - That's right!

392. And guess who has two thumbs and zero AIDS.

393. This gal!

394. Oh, no crying retard, this isn't a funeral,

395. it's a day of rebirth.

396. It's my birthday!

397. I learned so much today Doug.

398. I learned that I should look before I leap.

399. And I learned that, that for some reason, people bring

400. tomatoes to AIDS rallies, which is weird.

401. But most of all, I learned that prejudice is ugly.

402. It's wrong to judge people based on whether or not

403. they have AIDS.

404. I mean, you don't have AIDS and I love you just as

405. much as if you did, more even.

406. At any rate, I did get rid of my blah's.

407. Good night Doug.

408. That was my chair.

409. Do not harass me!