The Sarah Silverman Program. 1x2

Directed by Rob Schrab

Zach Galifianakis as Fred Blorth • Jill Talley as The Ghost • Sal Iacono as Neighbor • Chris Romano as Male Cheerleader • Kurt Scholler as Male Cheerleader

Sarah invites a homeless man into her home to prove she is a caring person. Meanwhile Brian learns karate, but fails to use it in dire straits.

Request examples:

!req The Sarah Silverman Program. 1x2 [02:32]
!req The Sarah Silverman Program. 1x2 [The Sarah Silverman Program. 1x2]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req The Sarah Silverman Program. 1x2 [10-11]; !req The Sarah Silverman Program. 1x2 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Hi, I'm Sarah Silverman and I'm just like you.

2. I live in Valley Village.

3. I don't have a job and my sister pays my rent.

4. That's my sister, Laura.

5. She's adorable.

6. These are my neighbors, Brian and Steve.

7. They're gigantic, orange, and gay.

8. This is Doug. I found him in the trash.

9. That's just, like, a weird bald guy.

10. I don't know who that is.

11. Let's see, what else?

12. Some people call me on the phone.

13. My parents are dead.

14. I like cookies.

15. What are we doing this for?

16. Does anyone know what this is for?

17. Tonight's episode of The Sarah Silverman Program

18. contains full frontal jew-dity.

19. Good morning, Laura, my adorable little sister.

20. Brian, Steve,

21. my two gay friends.

22. Actually, I'm bisexual.

23. Oh, my God.

24. What?

25. Brian, you're gay.

26. Don't start this.

27. Bisexual?

28. When have you ever been with a woman?

29. Guys, don't fight.

30. You should love each other,

31. and be sweet and good-looking,

32. like me and Laura.

33. Oh, thanks.

34. Uck!

35. I thought you sounded stuffy. Thank you.

36. Yeah, maybe you're getting bisexual germs from Brian.

37. There is a time and a place for this conversation.

38. Name three parts of a woman's vagina.

39. The labia, the fallopian tube,

40. the... bumpy thing.

41. Yeah, that's what I thought.

42. It doesn't prove anything!

43. Here, take this.

44. Go get yourself some cold medicine right away.

45. You don't wanna be too sick for us

46. to watch Cookie Party tonight.

47. Don't even say that.

48. Nothing would ever come between me and you

49. watching our favorite TV show together.

50. Not even if I was in a coma with double "pneumona."

51. You know, it is kind of cool

52. the way you guys have this standing date every week.

53. I mean, most girls your age

54. would have totally moved on by now.

55. You know, had relationships and kids.

56. Oh, no, Cookie Party

57. is our relationships and kids.

58. Nice one.

59. Thank you, and on that note, I'm outta here.

60. Take it easy. Take it sleazy.

61. Beezy.

62. God. Whoa.

63. She's never had any lessons.

64. Ugh! God!

65. Ew, who's that?

66. Oh, that's my baby grandson.

67. He's my favorite person in the world.

68. That's 'cause you haven't met me yet.

69. My favorite person's my sister Laura.

70. It used to be Jared from the Subway commercials,

71. but I thought he got too preachy.

72. Well, you know family

73. is the most important thing in life.

74. It's who you are.

75. That is so wise.

76. Well, that's just what comes with being 70.

77. No, you're not!

78. There is no way

79. you are 70!

80. You look too young.

81. Thank you.

82. Now you really are my most favorite person

83. in the world. Now that you're closer, I can tell you're old.

84. You little bitch.

85. Here we go.

86. Whoo, this one has a duck on it.

87. Ohh, no thank you!

88. Ooh, this one's orange.

89. Mmm. Here we go.

90. Mmm.

91. Oh, that's the one.

92. That is good.

93. "Maximum Strength. Nighttime use only."

94. Like my body knows what time it is.

95. Advertisers.

96. Wheeee!

97. Woooow!

98. It's beautiful.

99. Ooh, Scott Land!

100. Argh!

101. Hey, Sarah!

102. You look really thin.

103. You should eat something.

104. Oh, Loch Ness Monster, you're the best!

105. I am!

106. We're terrific together.

107. I love you!

108. Ma'am, do you know why I'm standing here?

109. You got all-season high school?

110. Have you been drinking?

111. Huh? No. I—I got tired,

112. and I thought this would be a good place to pull over.

113. Why are you so mad at me?

114. Why am I so mad at you?

115. When I asked for your driver's license,

116. you gave me this.

117. Oh, that's expired.

118. Uh... here you go.

119. 3,000?

120. Oh, it's, uh, it's...

121. Wha—

122. You know, you are in a lot of trouble.

123. Your car has been impounded.

124. You're facing huge fines and possible jail time.

125. You understand?

126. Sarah!

127. Laura!

128. Oh, Sarah.

129. Officer, this is my sister.

130. Yeah, well she belongs in the banana house, I'll tell ya.

131. I beg your pardon.

132. I'm sorry, I...

133. I didn't, uh...

134. It was a little inappropriate.

135. I—I—you know.

136. This job, it really...

137. You know, gets— gets to you sometimes.

138. It gets so damned, rrrrah!

139. No need to apologize.

140. I kind of have an "rrr" job too.

141. Oh, really? Oh, yeah.

142. It's... pretty.

143. Laura, stop flirting.

144. Like he's really gonna be interested

145. in some sex addict with a tiny vagina.

146. Ohh.

147. Hey, listen,

148. I don't know who put a nickel in you,

149. but it's time to make change!

150. Um... listen, your sister didn't really hurt anybody

151. or destroy anything.

152. So I also believe she's learned her lesson, so—

153. I have! I have.

154. Totally. Thank you, thank you so much.

155. A thousand thank-yous. I'll be in the car.

156. Uh, well, hey, you know, I'll walk you out if—

157. Oh.

158. So, your last name's Silverman, huh?

159. Yeah. Yeah.

160. You know, I believe the Holocaust

161. was completely uncalled for.

162. Oh! Oh, don't— don't worry about it.

163. So, you kinda take care of this one, huh?

164. I guess so.

165. "Hi, I'm a cop, and my face is a toilet."

166. "My sister Sarah is so pretty."

167. "I drink diarrhea with my eggs for breakfast."

168. Our parents died when we were really young,

169. and she's the only family I have.

170. She's actually really smart.

171. Laura, your car smells like farts!

172. You know...

173. being a cop, I've...

174. seen things that would make you crap a book

175. on how to puke.

176. But... I've never seen your kind of compassion.

177. I mean, I guess—

178. Obviously, you take care of lots of other people

179. all day long as well.

180. Yeah.

181. Doesn't even leave you much time

182. to take care of yourself, does it?

183. Well, I...

184. I guess I don't.

185. You know, um... maybe I could, uh...

186. tonight, heh,

187. take care of your food situation.

188. What a boob.

189. Sarah...

190. What a douche?

191. Officer Jay's taking me to dinner tonight.

192. Oh, sweetie, you can't. We've got Cookie Party tonight.

193. Well, we can just TiVo it.

194. Then we can't vote!

195. I mean, we can't— Then we can't vote.

196. But who cares?

197. So go. I'll just watch it.

198. I like to watch it live, 'cause I like to vote.

199. But I will TiVo it for you

200. so you can watch it later by yourself.

201. So cool. I like this separate lives thing.

202. It's good.

203. Change is scary.

204. And Laura and I have always watched Cookie Party together.

205. Always.

206. I mean, that's the only reason

207. I really want to watch it with her.

208. It's not like she's so great.

209. She punched me

210. in the head once!

211. For no reason.

212. When I was 12.

213. I used her mascara on my pubes. Big deal.

214. I wanted to see what it looked like fuller.

215. It was a compliment.

216. I wanted to be more like her.

217. She was my younger sister. She had this gigantic bush.

218. And she flaunted it!

219. Do you know what that feels like?

220. I had peach fuzz,

221. and her vagina looked like Cat Stevens' face.

222. You know what?

223. I'm ready for this.

224. I'm gonna watch TV without Laura tonight.

225. And it—it's gonna be amazing.

226. And terrifying. And—and challenging.

227. Oh, am I boring you?

228. I guess I'll talk to you later.

229. Ooh, time to get ready for Cookie Party.

230. What are you doing?

231. I'm getting killed.

232. I'm at their base. Where are you?

233. You're stupid, man!

234. Come on, they're—

235. Oh, great, I just got killed with a plasma grenade.

236. Thanks a lot. What are you, 13?

237. Oh, really?

238. Well, yeah, I'll play you again.

239. Okay, I just gotta make some serious yellow, dude.

240. All right.

241. Whoa! I'm in here!

242. Lingerie models. Real original.

243. Guess you really are bi.

244. When did you find the time to...

245. Summer savings?

246. Let's get ready to crumble!

247. You folks ready to vote?

248. I'm voting for the vanilla haystack.

249. Oh, me too. Really?

250. No other cookie even compares to it.

251. I know, because it's

252. traditionally a chocolate cookie,

253. but the vanilla really lets the coconut sing.

254. It gives it a—

255. voice.

256. to feel.

257. Doug?

258. What's different about you?

259. Did you shave your beard?

260. Some cookie party this turned out to be.

261. I know, it stinks without Laura!

262. So go get her.

263. When you love something,

264. you've got to hold on to it and never let it go.

265. It's the only way to show how much you care.

266. You're so smart. But you're so little.

267. Oh, Sarah...

268. I'm smart because I'm so little.

269. Now you take your ass out there and get your sister back.

270. I will!

271. That's what I'm gonna do. Thank you.

272. Thank you so much, old black woman puppy.

273. You're welcome.

274. I need your car.

275. We get it!

276. (Jay) Uh, yeah.

277. Whoever thought eating could be so filling? I know.

278. But anyway, so I finished at the academy.

279. And I figured it's a new beginning.

280. Um... and one thing led to the other.

281. And lo and behold...

282. This little baby shows up on my doorstep, so...

283. I like your moustache.

284. Yeah? All right, enough about me.

285. Please, um... tell me something about yourself

286. that I wouldn't be able to find out by...

287. running your plates or something.

288. Well... I can eat 30 eggs in one sitting.

289. Only if they're hard-boiled.

290. Really?

291. Yeah.

292. Oh!

293. Oh!

294. Sarah!

295. Oh, hey! That is so weird.

296. My God, you demolished this thing.

297. I thought I saw you guys.

298. How's the big date going?

299. Sarah, are you okay?

300. You could have killed yourself.

301. Listen to me, how many fingers am I holding up?

302. Um... this many?

303. Hey, so what's the story, Laura?

304. You gonna, uh, replace me with this guy or what?

305. No one's replacing anybody—

306. You shut up, stupid!

307. Sarah, stop it.

308. (man) Hey, keep it down out there!

309. Look, sir, I'm a police officer.

310. It's okay. There's nothing here to see.

311. It's not the seeing I have issue with.

312. It's what I'm hearing!

313. Being a little silly, aren't you?

314. I'm being silly.

315. Oh, really?

316. Blah ah! Is that silly?

317. Blah, I'm silly. No, you're silly!

318. I mean, do you know what I'm talking about?

319. Sir, people—

320. It's the noise!

321. I really like this guy. Don't screw this up for me.

322. The thing is...

323. Sir, I'm just gonna go back here...

324. I think I'm really falling for him.

325. I mean, a guy's gotta go to work in the morning!

326. Sir, I'm no doctor, but have you tried this!

327. Ohh.

328. You are replacing me.

329. Well, guess what? It doesn't matter, sissy.

330. 'Cause I replaced you...

331. with the night!

332. (man) It's called noise pollution for a reason!

333. It's the noise!

334. Yes, sir, uh, could you please just go back to bed?

335. All right? I have the situation completely under control.

336. Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

337. It must be my fault I moved into a house

338. that you three were planning

339. on having an argument in front of!

340. Look, sir...

341. I said I was sorry!

342. You say that.

343. But I really wonder sometimes.

344. I really wonder.

345. Sarah's gone!

346. What? What? What?

347. She ran off into the night, Jay.

348. We have to find her before she hurts herself.

349. Oh, Jesus.

350. Can we get a ride home?

351. (man) Hey, who are those guys?

352. Thank God for summer.

353. Now, coming up tomorrow, we're gonna make some changes.

354. Highs probably in the low 80s.

355. There it is. And check this out.

356. A cold front moving in—

357. Raaaahr! What the—

358. Raaaahr!

359. The government's lying to you!

360. They use religion to control the poor, do you know that?

361. I did. Oh, great, more cops.

362. What, are you gonna steal my sister away from me too?

363. Raaahr!

364. Burn the White House!

365. What the did she do?

366. And that's how I got into crack.

367. Latter Day Saints, my ass.

368. You think that's bad? You ever see Cookie Party?

369. Is that like a chocolate three-way?

370. No, it's a TV show about cookies.

371. Are you being sarcastic?

372. I think she was being facetious.

373. This braid look like dooky.

374. Facetious?

375. That's my baby's name.

376. Friend.

377. Get your head off my titties, bitch!

378. Ohh!

379. Ohh! Ohh...

380. Uhh...

381. Look, I know that you're scared

382. that I might change things between you and Laura.

383. Hey... change scares me too.

384. That's right. I'm a cop.

385. And I get scared.

386. We're not so different, you and I.

387. Sarah, are you okay? Laura, thank God!

388. It seems like forever since Jay started talking.

389. Guard, open up.

390. Jay's arranged for all the charges against you

391. to be dropped.

392. Again.

393. Sweet.

394. Sarah, what happened tonight was unacceptable.

395. And there comes a time when we have to take respons—

396. Shh.

397. I forgive you.

398. Oh, thank you. I'm so sorry.

399. You were right, and I was wrong.

400. We had an appointment, and I never should have broken it.

401. Get over here, you old son of a gun.

402. Let's go home.

403. Let's get you scrubbed up.

404. Yeah!

405. See anything you like, Brian?

406. Nah, I'm not bisexual, dude.

407. Yeah, no kidding.

408. There's not a name for what you are.

409. Nah, I mean, when we almost died

410. in the back of the car tonight,

411. my whole life flashed before me.

412. You know how many women were in it?

413. Three?

414. No. None.

415. Really?

416. Yeah, I'm totally gay for you.

417. I'm totally gay for you too, dude.

418. Aww.

419. What a sweet way to go to hell.

420. I learned so much today, Doug.

421. I learned that orange cough syrup

422. can make your car fly.

423. And I learned that Laura needs a man in her life

424. to feel good about herself.

425. It's sad.

426. Also, I learned whether you're gay, bisexual,

427. it doesn't matter, you know?

428. Because, at the end of the day,

429. they're both gross.

430. But mostly I learned that...

431. elderly black women are wise beyond their years.

432. But that younger black women...

433. are prostitutes.

434. Good night?

435. Captioning by Brian at CaptionMax www.captionmax.com