The Sarah Silverman Program. 1x1

Directed by Rob Schrab

Laura Hayes as Old Woman • Kelli Dawn Hancock as Crack Whore • Chris Tallman as Weatherman • Rachel Germaine as Crack Whore • Tanjareen Martin as Crack Whore

Sarah gets arrested for drinking (cough syrup) and driving. After she is released from jail Sarah discovers the attraction between her sister Laura and the arresting officer. Meanwhile Brian tries to convince his partner Steve that he is bisexual.

Request examples:

!req The Sarah Silverman Program. 1x1 [02:32]
!req The Sarah Silverman Program. 1x1 [The Sarah Silverman Program. 1x1]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req The Sarah Silverman Program. 1x1 [10-11]; !req The Sarah Silverman Program. 1x1 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Hi, I'm Sarah Silverman, and I'm just like you.

2. I live in Valley Village, I don't have a job,

3. and my sister pays my rent.

4. That's my sister Laura.

5. She's great 'cause she's a nurse.

6. So if I need money she makes it.

7. These are my neighbors, Brian and Steve.

8. They're gigantic, orange, and gay.

9. This is Doug. I found him in the trash.

10. Let's see, what else?

11. Some people call my on the phone.

12. My parents are dead. I like cookies.

13. What are we doing this for?

14. Does anyone know what this is for?

15. (man) You're out of control, renegade!

16. No, I'm not.

17. Spaghetti shaped like people!

18. Have you ever been in this situation?

19. (man) How you could not be in it?

20. We're going to be taking serious—

21. Hello?

22. Hi. Sarah, it's Natalie.

23. Natalie...

24. Tall, thin Natalie, or Natalie Bishop?

25. Natalie Bishop.

26. Oh, hi! How are you?

27. I'm good.

28. So I'm actually moving tomorrow.

29. And I was thinking it'd be fun

30. to just have all my friends come over,

31. and I'll buy beer and pizza, and we'll make it a party!

32. What a fun idea for a party.

33. I don't know if you're interested.

34. Natalie, of course I'm interested

35. in moving your furniture for a piece of pizza.

36. I'm only human.

37. Hold on.

38. Sure.

39. You're a dog.

40. Natalie! Sarah!

41. I have to deal with this! Sarah!

42. I can't! What's wrong—

43. We have gotten lots of donations.

44. But it's just not enough.

45. Remember, these are children

46. that are dying.

47. Dying like a fox.

48. I want to show you some footage right now

49. of little Peter.

50. Batteries.

51. Peter is ten years old,

52. and has leukemia.

53. Um...

54. You might be able to flip away,

55. but we can't.

56. We're going to be visiting with children like Peter

57. for the next 36 hours.

58. Ugh.

59. These disturbing images

60. don't have to be real.

61. You can make them disappear

62. with just a few dollars.

63. Oh, my God, he's right.

64. You could use your money to help him.

65. That solves that problem.

66. If I'm ever gonna change channels again,

67. I'm gonna have to get some batteries.

68. Right, Doug?

69. What is this?

70. This isn't my brand.

71. You are so stupid!

72. You'll never be able to go to the store

73. and buy anything without screwing it up!

74. Jacket.

75. Uh, oh, hey, wait.

76. Sarah Silver-man.

77. Hi, Mrs. Ramstack.

78. Seems like you're always coming and going.

79. Well, you do stand outside the building all day.

80. I mean, if you lived in my toilet,

81. you'd think I was always peeing, right?

82. What is this?

83. I mean, it was a mess.

84. My cat ate a whole bag of candy this morning.

85. Yeah, I know, I bet him he couldn't do it.

86. (Jay) Uh-oh. Bitch alert.

87. Hey. What's this?

88. What's it look like?

89. Some kind of

90. anti-leg protest?

91. Wheelchair marathon.

92. That's awesome!

93. I just need to scoot over.

94. No crossing during the marathon.

95. Oh, I literally have to go there.

96. Fan-tasti-mart.

97. Look, lady, let me put it to you this way.

98. The only difference between this marathon

99. and a river of molten lava

100. is that everyone it touches gets inspired

101. instead of burnt to death.

102. I'll just go around.

103. It's funny. Yeah.

104. Then laugh it up.

105. You know what?

106. I'll show you...

107. and everyone here...

108. the real meaning of overcoming a physical challenge!

109. That sounded really serious.

110. Well, she yelled.

111. Yeah, that's what it was.

112. Ugh!

113. Out of the way!

114. Unbelievable!

115. You gotta be kidding me.

116. You make a better door than a window!

117. Ugh!

118. And here it is, yes! Ha ha!

119. Hey, Mr. Johnson!

120. Oh. Oh, Sarah Sunshine.

121. Haven't seen you in a while.

122. I know, I'm a total homebody.

123. You know?

124. Yeah, not really.

125. No, you're sitting here begging for change

126. so you can renovate your kitchen.

127. I'm so insensitive!

128. Where's your doggie?

129. I don't have a dog.

130. That's the guy around the corner

131. by the post office.

132. Oh, I knew that! God!

133. I don't even know why I would confuse you two.

134. You're Vietnam!

135. You're the Big V!

136. You know, you were in the Suck!

137. Rice paddies, invisible enemies,

138. bullets coming down like rain.

139. Government experiments.

140. I mean, I can't even imagine that.

141. High school is the closest thing

142. I can imagine to that.

143. You know what I mean? 'Cause it's cliquey.

144. You got it, you got it. That's me.

145. See? I'm good person.

146. I remember!

147. Sarah, how about some spare change?

148. Oh, of course, yes.

149. Oh... my God.

150. I'm about to walk into a store with zero cash.

151. I'm such a bum.

152. I'll see you later, Mr. Johnson.

153. But what if I die?

154. You too!

155. It's so good.

156. You're not eating anything.

157. Hey.

158. Laura, I have to tell you something about Mom.

159. What is it?

160. Before she died,

161. she borrowed $5.00 from me,

162. and she told me to get it from you.

163. Again?

164. All right, well, we're having brunch

165. at Joseph's, so why don't you just come down here.

166. What side of the wheelchair parade is that on?

167. Uh... west.

168. Oh, perfect, I'm starving. I'll be there in a minute.

169. Okay, bye-bye—

170. Oh, wait! What?

171. Why wasn't I invited?

172. Well, Natalie said you had some kind of emergency.

173. Yeah, I... I stubbed my vagina.

174. You can stub it?

175. I can. I don't know about you.

176. All right. Well, just come down here.

177. Okay, bye. Oh, wait!

178. What? Who all is there?

179. That's good.

180. Natalie, Brian, Steve.

181. Straight Steve or Gay Steve?

182. Straight Steve. Quit eating off of my plate!

183. Straight Steve that is actually straight,

184. or Straight Steve that we call Straight Steve,

185. like, ironically because he's so gay.

186. Uh, the latter.

187. Ooh, la-di-da!

188. The latter!

189. All right, Frazier, I'll be right over.

190. Great. See you latter!

191. Click!

192. Now, let's get something in your belly

193. before you get cranky.

194. Hey, same car!

195. Hey, same car!

196. Blah! I'm blah blah!

197. Do you have any soups?

198. Split pea or lentil.

199. I'll have the latter.

200. Hmm!

201. So, Natalie, I was

202. really, really sorry to hear about your dad.

203. What happened?

204. My dad was just diagnosed with liver cancer.

205. Oh, my God. That's so bizarre.

206. You guys, my remote needs batteries.

207. Everybody be careful. These things happen in threes.

208. Why don't you just go to Fan-tasti-mart

209. and buy some new batteries?

210. Why doesn't Natalie just go to Fan-tasti-mart

211. and buy her father alive again, Brian?

212. He's alive. He's just sick.

213. Natalie, please!

214. Listen, I don't wanna fight.

215. Right, brunch is supposed to be an escape

216. from the liver cancers and the batteries of life.

217. (man) Here, here!

218. Actually, I heard that brunch is an escape from...

219. (all) Eww!

220. See, I always thought it was more a matter of...

221. Wait, wait, wait!

222. You guys are both wrong, because I read—

223. I heard in— read in Newsweek

224. where the say that it's Latin—that the word brunch

225. comes from the Latin...

226. I pooped.

227. Hello, Sarah.

228. Are you God's black friend?

229. Sarah... your song was so passionate.

230. So selfless.

231. It has risen above the sound of a billion prayers.

232. I want you to pick one wish.

233. And I will grant it.

234. All you have to do is choose.

235. Actually, I heard that brunch is an escape from...

236. (all) Eww!

237. See, I always thought it was more a matter of...

238. You guys are both wrong.

239. According to Newsweek,

240. brunch comes from the Latin...

241. Wow!

242. Whoa!

243. And on that note, brunch is on you.

244. Money. I only have $3.

245. Oh, fag!

246. I'm sorry, you guys.

247. I don't mean "fag" like homosexual.

248. I mean "fag" like retard.

249. It's cool.

250. Yeah, it is cool.

251. Pickles?

252. Actually, it's like an AIDS quilt,

253. but it has pictures of your family on it.

254. So you can specially, uh...

255. Look what I got!

256. All right. Yeah, battery time, baby!

257. Hi there. Helloo.

258. I need four AA batteries.

259. They're right there.

260. Excellent, and I need four of them.

261. 3.49.

262. Okay... I have 3.00.

263. Then I can't give you these batteries.

264. Well, what are you saying. I-I—

265. I can't have your product

266. because I don't have the right number of money.

267. I need these batteries.

268. Okay, my apartment's being flooded

269. with some really upsetting images.

270. Sick children.

271. And I don't mean sick like,

272. "Ooh, I have to stay home from school."

273. I mean like sick. Like dying sick.

274. Like him.

275. Oh, my God.

276. He's dying.

277. Guess I'm not the only one in the world

278. with problems.

279. It feels good to give.

280. Maybe you could feel good, like, with batteries.

281. Oh, I'm not gonna give you free batteries,

282. just because you donated three—

283. Uhh!

284. Nice sunglasses.

285. Now they're floor glasses.

286. I'm calling the police.

287. Then I might as well do this.

288. Hey! Come back here!

289. Uhh...

290. Mr. Johnson, that guy's V.C.!

291. Tally ho!

292. Help! Police!

293. Hey! What's going on?

294. A girl ripped me off. She's getting away.

295. She's a white female, kind of jewey, but totally hot.

296. Not out-out-of-your-league hot, just cute.

297. Long neck, really nice skin.

298. She could easily pass for 20.

299. Dispatch, we have a black male—

300. White female. Huh? Oh, right!

301. Sorry, sorry. Force of habit.

302. All units be on the lookout for a white female.

303. Repeat, the suspect is not a black male.

304. Let me guess: last seen with the tooth fairy?

305. Hey!

306. Rahr!

307. You'll never be able to go to the store

308. and buy anything without screwing it up!

309. Black God!

310. Black God, please, I need your help!

311. I wish for you to help me.

312. What is it now, Sarah?

313. Black God, please get rid of those police,

314. so that I may steal these batteries.

315. Oh, Sarah.

316. Sarah Jane Anastasia Silverman!

317. Have you committed a single act today

318. that was not in your own interest?

319. You are the most selfish,

320. racist, manipulative, lazy,

321. pompous human being alive today!

322. Totally, totally, granted. I'm a terrible person.

323. But, I mean, maybe you put me on this earth for a reason.

324. You must have, right?

325. I mean, maybe it was so that I could learn something.

326. And I've learned already

327. so much today.

328. Go on. Well...

329. I learned that people in wheelchairs

330. are allowed to have marathons.

331. Which to me seems like cheating,

332. but what are you gonna say?

333. And I learned that— that you exist.

334. And that you're black.

335. And I think that's amazing!

336. I mean, I'm not one of those people who's like,

337. "Oh, God is black.

338. Is he gonna steal the moon or something?"

339. And finally,

340. I learned that giving is its own reward.

341. Which is really, you know, kind of like saying

342. that there's no reward for giving.

343. I mean, unless you're, like,

344. really into the process of giving.

345. That's a reward to you.

346. But, I mean, how many people—

347. I mean, I don't know. Could you meet me halfway?

348. You're kinda breaking my balls.

349. All right.

350. Just one more time, Sarah.

351. Bugles!

352. Mmm...

353. Are you satisfied now, Sarah?

354. God, thank you so much.

355. First of all, I love Bugles.

356. And second of all, I promise from now on

357. I'm gonna be a totally good person.

358. I have faith in you.

359. You're a little monkey, aren't you?

360. Who made you, monkey? Who created you?

361. You did!

362. I had a really good time last night.

363. A really, really good time.

364. Thanks...

365. Me too.

366. Come to Heaven with me today.

367. Today...

368. You'll see the past and the future.

369. You can fly.

370. And I will introduce you to Thomas Jefferson.

371. Oh, awesome.

372. I told my friend Natalie I'd help her move, though.

373. I can stop time.

374. That is so sweet.

375. Oh, your pants are over there.

376. I mean, not like I'm asking you to leave.

377. I just mean, like, if you can't see it

378. from this angle of still being in my bed.

379. Right.

380. I should go.

381. Okay, um...

382. All right, so I guess I'll see you around sometime.

383. Do you mean it?

384. Or are you just saying that?

385. I don't just say things.

386. I'm a lot of things. I'm not dishonest.

387. Can I get your cell number?

388. I don't have a cell phone.

389. Like, I—this. I have a, you know,

390. like a Palm Piloty...

391. like a BlackBerryish...

392. I don't know. Would you call this a phone?

393. Hello?

394. Are you coming to help Natalie move?

395. I can't, I have to help my friend Natalie move today.

396. So you are coming?

397. Yeah, no, I can't.

398. Sarah...

399. All right. I love you, too, Nana.

400. Bye.

401. My Nana.

402. Your Nana died five years ago.

403. Your Nana died five years ago.

404. Okay, look, I get it, okay?

405. I get it.

406. I'm going.

407. Oh, busy day?

408. I'm sorry for liking you!

409. Batteries!

410. So long, leukemia kids.

411. Don't spend all that money on drugs.

412. Please help me—

413. I'm so proud of you, Sarah.

414. Daddy?

415. Daddy!

416. Daddy!

417. You really did it, kiddo.

418. You went to the store,

419. and you bought something, and you brought it back.

420. I'm so proud of you. I knew you could do it.

421. Daddy. What are you doing?

422. I'm loving you.

423. Black God!

424. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

425. Just, it's rude!

426. I know. I almost never do this.

427. As if anything couldn't get worse today.

428. Ahem!

429. Hey, you're that kid—

430. What's this?

431. What are you laughing at?

432. Captioning by Brian at CaptionMax www.captionmax.com