The Sarah Jane Adventures 3x11

John Leeson as K9 (voice) • Miriam Margolyes as Leaf Blathereen (voice) • Simon Callow as Tree Blathereen (voice)

The Blathereen, arch-rivals of the family Slitheen arrive on Earth. In a move that surprises the gang they declare peace between Earth and Raxicoricofallapatorius and they offer Sarah Jane a gift, one that might change the future of the human race forever.

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1. 13 Bannerman Road is where Sarah Jane Smith lives

2. It's home to things beyond your imagination.

3. There's an extra-terrestrial super computer in the wall,

4. a genetically engineered boy genius in the attic,

5. a schoolgirl investigator across the road,

6. and a whole universe of adventure right here on the doorstep.

7. Ready?

8. Always.

9. There he is!

10. Don't let him get away!

11. That's impossible!

12. No, it isn't!

13. He's got to be in here somewhere.

14. He's just a kid! What does he want with a... what's it called?

15. A matter compressor.

16. Maybe he wants some matter compressed?

17. Whatever his reason, the Pharos Institute need it back!

18. Split up.

19. SQUELCH!

20. Did you hear that?

21. It can't be...

22. It is!

23. The Slitheen! They're back!

24. Oi!

25. Get off me. Are you OK?

26. Don't worry about us, where did it go?

27. If Slitheen are back on Earth it means mayhem on a global scale.

28. What do they want this time?

29. Same as usual convert our planet into cash.

30. Then how do we find it? We'd need a bloodhound.

31. Oh, why didn't I think of that?

32. Mistress.

33. Activating hover mode.

34. What are you doing out of your disguise?

35. Can't run in human skin.

36. It's too tight. Needed to lose them.

37. Lose who? Give you one guess.

38. Sarah Jane Smith.

39. I wondered how long it'd be till she shoved her oar in.

40. Yeah, but I got away.

41. And I nabbed the matter compressor.

42. We wouldn't have had to steal one if you hadn't sat on ours!

43. Now nothing can stop us from turning this scuzzy little planet

44. into a massive money-spinner.

45. And so it begins!

46. Greetings Mistress!

47. We need you to follow a trail, K9.

48. He can smell? How?

49. Psychospore and olfactory sensors.

50. Yeah, yeah, that clears that up. We're looking for a Slitheen.

51. Alien pheromone detected, Mistress.

52. Trail leads in this direction.

53. Give me a visual!

54. Initialise compression web!

55. Not that one, idiot!

56. Compression web initialised!

57. Very soon the Slitheen will be the richest family in the galaxy!

58. Insufficient data. Insufficient data.

59. You've lost him, K9? No!

60. Affirmative, Mistress.

61. We'll never find him now.

62. Well, that might help.

63. Right. Follow me!

64. The web's nearly complete! When it is, Earth'll be squished!

65. Just our base left. You have set the safety shield haven't you?

66. Of course. Soon we'll be relaxing on the Pleasure Moons of Pagros.

67. This time tomorrow we'll own the Pleasure Moons of Pagros.

68. Switch it off, boys!

69. Sarah Jane Smith. How predictable.

70. I prefer... reliable.

71. Now, I won't ask you again,

72. switch it off!

73. No chance!

74. Good try, Miss Smith, but not good enough. It's sonic wave resistant.

75. What does that thing actually do?

76. Why steal the matter compressor?

77. This planet's stuffed full of carbon.

78. And thanks to your compressor, we can crush it.

79. And if carbon's crushed enough it turns into a diamond.

80. A gigantic diamond, worth a fortune.

81. K9! Now!

82. Maximum destruction mode.

83. It's still going! Grab the girl!

84. Get your claws off me! Let her go!

85. Try that again and you'll be sorry!

86. Rani, don't move! K9, hold fire! Disable the dog, or she gets it!

87. I'm sorry, K9. Power down. Unit deactivating.

88. Isn't there something we can do.

89. WHOOSH!

90. Who are they? Stand back, Miss Smith!

91. Compression halted.

92. Now release the child! By order of the High Council of Raxas Prime,

93. you are charged with crimes against the state.

94. Fraud, theft, high treason.

95. The penalty for each is death.

96. It's him you want! He made me do it!

97. Please! No! I'm innocent!

98. WHOOSH!

99. What have you done with them? We've teleported them to our ship.

100. They will stand trial on our home planet.

101. I guess, we owe you our lives. Thank you. Yeah, thanks.

102. I was nearly Slitheen lunch.

103. But who are you?

104. We are Blathereen.

105. Blathereen? Never heard of you.

106. The Slitheen aren't the only family on Raxacoricofallapatorius.

107. But they are the only criminal one.

108. We Blathereen respect the law.

109. Why should we believe you? As you can see,

110. we do not disguise ourselves in human skin, like Slitheen.

111. We could never kill a human.

112. Not all visitors to your planet intend harm, Miss Smith.

113. Some come out of anthropological interest, some are asylum-seekers.

114. And some actually want to help. Why are YOU here?

115. We've dedicated our lives to tracking down Slitheen,

116. bringing them to justice. You mean you're bounty hunters.

117. It isn't something we do for profit, it is our duty.

118. To be honest, we're pretty good at handling Slitheen by ourselves.

119. We do not doubt it. Your work has great regard back home.

120. Interstellar fame, eh, Sarah Jane?

121. And it is the Blathereen custom to offer thanks for such brave deeds

122. by sitting down to dinner.

123. And what's on the menu? Clyde burgers with a side of Rani?

124. It's wrong to have come this far without showing our appreciation.

125. No, that might be a bit tricky.. Why? I think it's a brilliant idea.

126. A dinner party. They can't exactly come to my place.

127. Mr Smith's there, and loads of alien stuff.

128. Then they can come to mine. Your mum and dad'll love that.

129. They're at a conference, remember?

130. That's why I'm staying with Sarah Jane.

131. Does nothing sink in with you? Come on it's an amazing opportunity.

132. Clyde'll cook. He's a secret Jamie Oliver.

133. I can't deny it. I suppose so, after all, they did save our lives.

134. Miss Smith? What do you say?

135. Yes, dinner would be lovely.

136. You're very welcome, Mrs...

137. Please...

138. my name's Leef Apple Glyn.

139. Leef for short.

140. This is my husband, Tree Lorn Acre.

141. I call him Tree. Sarah Jane.

142. And this is Clyde, Rani, and my son, Luke.

143. Pleased to meet you all.

144. Let us have your teleport coordinates and we'll join you in an hour.

145. We must freshen up first.

146. I'm still not sure we can trust them.

147. Yeah, when have the Slitheen ever helped us?

148. They're not Slitheen. They're not the same colour.

149. Colour doesn't matter, they're from the same planet.

150. We have to keep our guard up, until we're certain.

151. Look at me, head chef to the enemy. I didn't know you could cook.

152. Well, I'm a man of many talents.

153. And it's only shepherd's pie.

154. Mum taught me.

155. I hope they don't have any strange dietary requirements.

156. Though it's hard to go wrong with soup.

157. WHOOSH!

158. Good evening, Sarah Jane.

159. Sorry it's such a squeeze.

160. And this delightful liquid is?

161. It was tomato soup.

162. Though you probably prefer something more meaty. Shut up, Clyde.

163. Delicious.

164. We must take some home, for next time the Rackateen come to dinner.

165. They adore foreign food.

166. So, tell us about your home planet.

167. Raxacoricofallapatorius was once the most admired planet

168. in the Raxas Alliance. Clom, Plix and Raxacoricovarlonpatorius

169. all took their lead from us.

170. And the Blathereen were one of the most respected families.

171. Until the Slitheen bribed their way into power.

172. They ruined our planet's good name.

173. Well, that must have been terrible for you.

174. What happened to the Slitheen?

175. The economy crashed, then the rest of the population

176. rose up against them, and they were deposed.

177. Some faced justice,

178. others fled to the farthest corners of the galaxy.

179. It was our duty to hunt them down.

180. We're deeply sorry for the trouble they've caused here.

181. And as this seems an appropriate moment...

182. Tree?

183. This is not just a gift for your hospitality

184. but compensation for the Slitheen's behaviour on Earth.

185. This is Rakweed.

186. Careful! It's just a present, Clyde.

187. His concern is understandable.

188. Though this is something that will truly delight you.

189. It's lovely, thank you.

190. It's a staple food back home.

191. It can grow anywhere,

192. even in the harshest conditions.

193. Nutritious and delicious.

194. But this isn't just a gift for you.

195. We want you to share it with your entire world.

196. We know you suffer from famines on Earth.

197. Rakweed could put an end to them forever.

198. Of course, if it came directly from outsiders such as ourselves,

199. your people would be distrustful.

200. That is why we want you, Sarah Jane, to be our...

201. our ambassador. Imagine the fame and the glory.

202. I'm not bothered about fame.

203. We do what we do to help the world.

204. This little plant could save millions of lives.

205. PING!

206. Oh, main course. Excuse me.

207. Can you just give me a hand?

208. Is this all too good to be true, or have I become totally paranoid?

209. You taught us to keep an open mind.

210. Well, I've had bad experiences, with aliens bearing gifts.

211. Mr Smith will know if it's dangerous.

212. You can't pass up a chance to feed the entire human race, can you?

213. Do you really think we can trust the Blathareen?

214. I think so.

215. Plus, if they wanted us dead they'd have done it by now.

216. Not necessarily. Oh, I just don't know.

217. Go with your instincts. They're always right.

218. In this case my instincts are all over the place.

219. Ta-daaa! Shepherd's pie.

220. I made that. Shepherds are a delicacy on Earth?

221. Yeah, but you couldn't eat a whole one.

222. It's just the name of the dish.

223. SLURP!

224. BURP! PARP!

225. Mmmm. More delicious than the land prawns of Clom.

226. Might apply for MasterChef after all.

227. So, Sarah Jane,

228. will you be our ambassador?

229. It's our chance to finally put things right.

230. And it could mean a new friendship between our races.

231. You realise I'll have to analyse the Rakweed,

232. make sure it's safe.

233. Of course. Do that straight away.

234. But thank you.

235. In principle, I...

236. we...

237. Earth accepts.

238. It's been a most wonderful evening.

239. But it's a long journey back to Raxacoricofallapatorius.

240. Amazing to meet you both.

241. I'll never forget you, or what you've given us.

242. Will you accept the claw of friendship, Sarah Jane?

243. We're sure our Rakweed will change your planet forever.

244. And how perfect that Sarah Jane Smith will be the one to lead Earth

245. into a rich and fertile future.

246. Thank you, have a safe journey.

247. Bye.

248. Dinner with aliens, oh, and a plant that can save the world.

249. The most exciting day ever.

250. Mr Smith, I need you.

251. 'How may I assist you, Sarah Jane?'

252. I need you to analyse something.

253. Such an amazing opportunity.

254. Yeah, or it could all be a trap.

255. They're Blathereen not Slitheen.

256. Ah, Slitheen, Blathereen, Whatevereen.

257. They're from Raxacorico-doo-dar. It has a seriously dodgy reputation.

258. You can't condemn an entire race just cos a few of them are bad.

259. There are bad people on Earth, too. Rani's right.

260. We're here to help aliens, not just fight them. Exactly. Sarah Jane?

261. This is huge. If I make this public, it'll change everything.

262. No more hiding in the shadows, saving the world in secret.

263. I'll be front page news.

264. Sarah Jane Smith, Ambassador for Earth, eh?

265. 'Analysis complete.

266. 'Although the Rakweed has a more complex cell structure

267. 'than Earth flora, there is, as far as I can tell, no threat.'

268. It's harmless then?

269. See, nothing to worry about.

270. Yeah, but I still don't like it.

271. Anyway, time you lot were in bed. School tomorrow.

272. And you've all got a test. Am I right?

273. A test? I'm sorry, did someone say 'test'?

274. Don't really understand that word.

275. K9: Test. Assessment of knowledge.

276. Method through which one human demonstrates

277. intellectual superiority over others.

278. He knows what it means, K9.

279. Just not how to pass it.

280. Luke, Rani, bed. I've put a towel in your room.

281. Clyde, home.

282. Ah, I won't be a sec.

283. I just need to borrow a book

284. for revision.

285. How much do you know about GCSE biology?

286. General Certificate for Secondary Education syllabus

287. in biological science includes seven key areas...

288. Yeah, I know all that. But I need your help.

289. Can you come to school with me tomorrow?

290. Negative. Directional commands may only be issued by the Mistress.

291. Well, you leave me with no choice.

292. Sorry, boy. This unit may not be removed.

293. 'Excuse me, Clyde...'

294. Please don't tell Sarah Jane. I'll bring him back.

295. 'I was going to thank you. A break from the dog is most appreciated.'

296. Bit annoying, is he? 'I couldn't possibly comment.'

297. I'll see myself out!

298. Tie.

299. Tie...

300. Tie... tie?

301. Luke! Rani! Toast's getting cold.

302. Hurry up or you'll be late.

303. What's the matter?

304. I feel strange.

305. In what way?

306. I dunno. It's probably nothing.

307. It's not nothing if you're feeling ill.

308. The Bane gave you perfect health.

309. Is this what being ill is like?

310. How do you feel exactly?

311. Everything's gone blurry.

312. My chest is aching, my head hurts.

313. Come on, slowcoach.

314. What's up?

315. Well, Luke's not feeling very well.

316. But you get off to school.

317. Shouldn't we call a doctor? Rani, school, please.

318. You should stay home this morning.

319. I don't want to miss the biology test.

320. The test can wait. I'll call the school, let them know.

321. Rani? Sorry I snapped.

322. But if Luke's ill, what do I do?

323. How do I explain him and what he is, to a doctor?

324. No, he'll probably be fine, it's just never happened before.

325. I can stay home if you like. Your dad wouldn't want you skipping school,

326. especially when there's a test. It was worth a try. See you later.

327. Yeah. Oh, hello, this is Luke Smith's mother.

328. I'm afraid Luke won't be at school today, he's not feeling very well.

329. What you been doing in there?

330. I got in early to do some revision. You are such a bad liar, Clyde.

331. It's the truth, honest.

332. I know when you're up to something, and you are so up to something.

333. How are you feeling?

334. Not great. Worse?

335. Right. Let's be methodical about this, go back to the beginning.

336. What were you doing when it started?

337. I was in the attic.

338. The attic.

339. 'Analysis complete.

340. 'The Rakweed is NOT harmless.'

341. I knew it! Blathereen!

342. 'Adaptation to its cell structure suggests a more deadly life-form.'

343. Couldn't you have seen this coming?

344. 'I'm sorry, but the plant appears to have mutated since my last report.'

345. I can see that. There's a great big flower sticking out of it now!

346. 'It was probably in a state of deep hibernation.

347. 'Something must have triggered its development cycle.'

348. What's going on? You should be in bed.

349. 'According to my analysis, Rakweed seeks out life forms that it deems

350. 'a threat to its propagation and drains them of energy.

351. 'It will send its victims into a deep, deep coma

352. 'from which they will never return.'

353. That's so weird about Lukey-boy. He's never got sick before.

354. Hope it's nothing serious. Sarah Jane was really worried.

355. How's the pot plant? Savaged anyone in the night?

356. That's not funny, Clyde. This Rakweed stuff might be amazing.

357. It could feed millions of people.

358. Yeah, yeah, but it'll probably still taste like salad,

359. like the world needs more salad.

360. Do you know what cynical means? It's what I call being realistic.

361. Where are you going? Sit here.

362. Yeah, well I normally sit over here so...

363. You're acting really weird. What are you up to?

364. Good morning, Mistress Rani. K9?

365. 'Emergency analysis continuing.'

366. Luke, you're all I've really got.

367. Everything else, it's meaningless, makes no sense without you.

368. 'I'm sorry to have to tell you, but my sensors indicate

369. 'that the Rakweed is not confined merely to this house.'

370. How? 'It has already reproduced itself.

371. 'Most likely by releasing spores.' Like a fungus?

372. They must have got out through the window. We've got to stop this!

373. Mum, I'm so tired.

374. Luke, please...

375. Luke, can you hear me?

376. I'm OK.

377. What's this? 'He has been subjected to an incredibly high dose

378. 'of Rakweed spores.'

379. Luke, Luke, you must stay awake.

380. Sarah Jane will hit the roof!

381. Sarah Jane isn't gonna find out.

382. What if someone hears him? He makes a right racket.

383. Ah, I borrowed this too. Relays his voice straight into my ear.

384. Using K9 to pass a test, even by your standards

385. this is a new level of stupid.

386. We may not be allowed textbooks, but no-one said anything about

387. a super-intelligent robot dog from the year 5000. You're insane.

388. Yep, an insane genius.

389. I hope you two are paying attention. Course, Miss, raring to go.

390. This is all my fault.

391. Mum! Look!

392. Mr Smith! I need you!

393. Mr Smith! Please! Help us!

394. 'At its current rate of propagation,

395. 'the Rakweed will have seeded the whole of London within a few hours.'

396. Is that... Rakweed?

397. Ah! We've got to stop this, come on.

398. The Rakweed - it got you didn't it, are you OK?

399. I'm Blathareened.

400. 'Luke?'

401. So how far has this spread, just the school grounds? Or further?

402. It's everywhere.

403. Let the hunt begin!