The Righteous Gemstones 1x2

1. Oh, there we go.

2. I am sure the congregation, the media, your family,

3. would love to see you enjoying yourself.

4. One million dollars.

5. Jesse, what in God's name?

6. I'm being blackmailed.

7. Somebody sent me this video. They said they're gonna leak

8. the whole damn thing unless I pay them

9. a million dollars by Sunday.

10. Johnny Seasons thinks he's a big shot.

11. What do you got to say to me?

12. Gemstones are an absolute disgrace

13. to all ministries.

14. I finally figured out who the blackmailer is.

15. - Who? - Johnny Seasons.

16. We're gonna ambush him at his house.

17. Get him while his guard's down, overpower him,

18. and get him to give us that damn tape.

19. Had enough of me?

20. This is the downfall of the Gemstones.

21. I'm supposed to make the drop at ten.

22. (ON PHONE) Then pay him, Jesse.

23. I don't have the money, Judy!

24. Get in.

25. I love you guys.

26. - I think the biggest misconception about Thailand

27. is that it's gonna all be about the ladyboys,

28. like they're just gonna be everywhere

29. hanging out of windows with their cocks in their panties.

30. But it's not, okay?

31. The food, no joke.

32. Beaches are unreal.

33. And we're gonna be taller than everybody.

34. - He's here.

35. - Oh, fuck. Here we go.

36. - Wait a minute. He's not alone.

37. - Jesus, that wasn't part of the deal.

38. - Who's in the car? - Nobodies.

39. My brother and sister.

40. - Tell them to get the fuck out!

41. - Hi.

42. - Assholes.

43. Walk slowly to the rear of the van

44. and place the bags on the ground.

45. - I don't really feel comfortable doing that.

46. I don't know who y'all got back there,

47. so I'm just gonna put the bags right down here.

48. - No, bring 'em to where I told you.

49. - Baby, I don't like this. Let's go.

50. - Fucking asshole.

51. He wants to be a big shot.

52. I got this.

53. - What? No, no, no. Don't get out of the car.

54. - God damn it, Scotty! - Scott, Scott.

55. Oh, fuck. Shit.

56. What's happening now?

57. - He's handing him the thumb drive.

58. - [chuckling, groans]

59. - And now he's air-fucking. - Ugh.

60. I hate when he air-fucks.

61. - Oh, shit.

62. Oh, shit, they're fighting! They're hurting him!

63. - Who do you serve? - Fuck!

64. - No, don't shoot. Don't shoot, Lucy!

65. Shit!

66. God damn!

67. - They're getting away.

68. Shit, fuck, fuck, he's hurt.

69. Fuck. Scotty!

70. - No, no, no, no. Stay in the car.

71. Stay in the car. Lucy!

72. Lucy, stay in the—

73. Oh, fuck!

74. Fuck!

75. Hey!

76. - Oh, God. Scotty?

77. Scotty!

78. - Mask.

79. - Scotty.

80. Where's Lucy?

81. Lucy.

82. Lucy!

83. Fuck, fuck! She's fucking dead.

84. - Scotty, don't say that. Come on.

85. Is she breathing? - She's not breathing.

86. She's fucking dead, man.

87. - Fuck.

88. - Fuck.

89. We gotta get rid of her.

90. - What?

91. Ready?

92. One, two, three.

93. - Should we say something? - Shh.

94. - Help.

95. - Oh, shit.

96. - What are we supposed to be thinking?

97. They just disappeared, just got up, and waltzed away?

98. - I think maybe what we've witnessed here

99. is nothing short of a miracle.

100. We need to go home and love one another,

101. be good to each other.

102. That's the lesson to take from this.

103. - Maybe it was never even real to begin with.

104. Maybe it was all just, like, a figment of imagination,

105. a spiritual test that we overcame.

106. - Okay, well, they certainly felt real

107. when we drove over what felt like their skulls.

108. - Don't say that, Kelvin.

109. Don't be like that, projecting negativity.

110. - Yeah, seriously, trying to act like

111. we're gonna get in trouble or some shit.

112. - There is one matter I'd like a little clarity on, though.

113. - 'Sup? - The money.

114. Where'd it come from, Judy?

115. - Cutting grass, cutting hairdos.

116. - Bullshit. You stole it from the church.

117. - Yeah, duh.

118. - So technically, it's not yours.

119. - Uh, 'cept it is mine,

120. 'cause I'm the one who found a hiding place.

121. I had to sneak. I had to climb stuff.

122. I had to think it through.

123. I stole that money fair and square.

124. You did not.

125. - That money would be gone if it was not for my bravery

126. and—and knowledge and courage

127. to go back into the whole melee and grab those fucking bags.

128. That's true facts.

129. So now we need to figure out a meaningful way

130. in which we can divvy it up.

131. - No, no, no, no, how 'bout nobody gets a cut, okay?

132. - Yeah.

133. - How 'bout it all goes back to the church?

134. - I like that plan.

135. That's a good plan. Yes, now we're talking.

136. - No, I don't like that plan. How 'bout this?

137. How 'bout we give half of it back to the church

138. and the other half we split 50/50?

139. - How 'bout give a third of it to the church,

140. the other half 70/30?

141. 70 to me, 30 to you.

142. - How about a quarter back to the church, 60/40 split?

143. - How about 1/8 back to the church, 60/40 split?

144. - Church gets nothing, 60/40?

145. - Deal. - Deal.

146. - Hold on. Wait a second.

147. - See some new shoes? Got some 22s you want?

148. - Security camera right there.

149. - Oh, my God.

150. - Oh, we're gonna need that.

151. - This hit-and-run story is only gonna hold for so long.

152. We gotta get out of here before anybody else comes

153. and asks more questions.

154. How's Lucy?

155. - Yeah, uh, she's still...

156. - Pretty fucked up?

157. - Yeah.

158. - She can never know what happened to her

159. back at that hill,

160. how she got down there.

161. - What are we supposed to say? - I don't know.

162. You know, that they did it.

163. And they fucking ran us over,

164. then they picked us up and tossed us down the hill.

165. And then you showed up when the coast was clear.

166. - Man, this whole thing has just gotten so messed up.

167. I need to see her.

168. - Scotty, seeing her like this

169. is not gonna make you feel any better.

170. - Eh, if I can get her to make me cum, it will.

171. Hold my sauce.

172. Hey, you hang out here, and you keep a lookout.

173. - Scotty, she's in no shape

174. to do the things that you are thinking about doing in there.

175. She's fighting for her life.

176. - She is my girl, and I will decide what she's in shape for.

177. Now don't come in.

178. - No. Scotty, Scotty.

179. Don't do that. Scotty, Scotty.

180. Shit.

181. - Shit.

182. - What are you doing?

183. - Getting her the hell out of here.

184. You didn't really think I'd try and get a blowjob, did you?

185. That's disgusting.

186. - Hello?

187. There he is.

188. - But I do a little bit.

189. - He was a baby. - He was a little baby bird.

190. - What the heck are y'all doing?

191. - Baby, you're home early.

192. - Nobody's supposed to be in here.

193. - We were just looking at pictures.

194. - Guess what? Y'all hear about this?

195. Gideon got cast in a Netflix movie.

196. - Say what now?

197. - I think y'all should just go brush your teeth, okay?

198. - He seems to be doing well in LA, following his dreams.

199. - What, to be a bum in California?

200. Congratulations.

201. - He's not a bum. He's a stuntman.

202. - Same damn thing.

203. Hollywood.

204. - Did you just blow a kiss at me?

205. Abraham, stop blowing on them coins.

206. Go brush your teeth.

207. - What the hell, Amber? He called?

208. - He did. - And you spoke with him?

209. - I can't just cut off our son.

210. - Well, I don't know why not. He did that to us,

211. snipped our nuts like we're damn street dogs.

212. - Well, he's a child,

213. and he's reaching out.

214. - To you, he is. He ain't reaching out to me.

215. I didn't hear my damn phone ringing.

216. You know what, as far as I'm concerned, he's cancelled.

217. If he don't give a flip about this family and don't want

218. to be a part of it, that's fine with me.

219. But what I do give a flip about

220. is you not being honest with me.

221. - Baby, I'm being honest with you.

222. I'm telling you right now that he called and that we spoke.

223. - I know, and we said that we weren't gonna speak to him.

224. - Okay. - Now he got you and the boys

225. aligning behind my back with our apostate son.

226. I look like the bad guy.

227. - Oh, baby, you're not the bad guy.

228. You're not. - I know I'm not the bad guy.

229. Now, you know, I-I'm working big time,

230. overtime to keep the unity and sanctity of this family.

231. - I hear you.

232. - I don't need people undercutting me.

233. - You don't.

234. - I don't know why you wanna hang out

235. in this dumb-ass room anyway,

236. all this stupid, childish shit.

237. Boring.

238. How you feeling?

239. - Shitty.

240. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

241. Don't treat her like she's handicapped.

242. She shall not recover lest she be challenged.

243. Come on.

244. There you go, sunshine.

245. Ah, there you go, coming back already.

246. Squeeze it. Squeeze it.

247. Mm-hmm. You got it.

248. Love that. Love that.

249. I've been thinking about what we should do next.

250. I think we should murder them.

251. - Murder?

252. - Vengeance. Yes, please.

253. - If they're dead, we get nothing.

254. - I fucking love you.

255. Of course we should stick 'em for more money.

256. That's smart.

257. - How are we gonna do that? We have no leverage.

258. - With the backup copy of the tape.

259. - Backup copy? - Yeah.

260. I got a backup on my jack off drive,

261. my LaCie Rugged, indestructible weatherproof.

262. - I have a question. - Mm-hmm.

263. - How did I end up down that hill after the drop?

264. - You don't wanna know.

265. - Yeah, I do.

266. - They're ruthless, baby.

267. They threw both of us down there

268. like a sack of cats.

269. - The security footage from that camera is stored

270. on a local server in the back office of RimTyme.

271. I spoke with an employee on his smoke break.

272. Don't worry.

273. I disguised myself as a regular man.

274. I want you guys to go in there

275. and get me that footage, all right?

276. Let's wrap this up. - Okay.

277. - Why can't you do it?

278. - What'd you say?

279. - I said— - What's that?

280. - Why can't you—

281. Don't challenge me, Levi.

282. "Why can't you do it? Why can't you do it?"

283. Do it.

284. Get in there. Get that fucking footage.

285. I wish Chad wasn't in a coma!

286. He sure as hell would do what I asked of him

287. without asking a bunch of fucking questions!

288. - Sir, I spoke with a manager about

289. a break-in I had in my car in this parking lot.

290. He said I can come by,

291. sort through the security cam footage in the back.

292. - You spoke to who? - The manager.

293. - I'm the manager.

294. - Oh.

295. Okay. Uh...

296. It wa—it was somebody else,

297. a man.

298. - I'm a man. - Yeah.

299. He looked like you.

300. But...

301. - Did you get it?

302. - No, he didn't know nothing. He was acting like a bitch.

303. - Y'all didn't get the tape? - He—he wasn't very helpful.

304. - Get the fuck back in there!

305. Get the fucking tape. Get the fuck back in there.

306. - Y'all forget something?

307. - Uh, okay, rolling.

308. You can't kill the devil, son.

309. I'm coming after you.

310. I still got footage of you.

311. I made a copy.

312. So fuck you.

313. Now you're gonna pay me $2 million

314. or else this will get released nationwide,

315. and once your reputation is smeared...

316. I'm gonna fucking kill you.

317. - It doesn't really seem like you're gonna kill him.

318. It— - No.

319. - It kinda rang false.

320. - What are you talking about, rang false?

321. - The voice is fucked up.

322. - It's almost becoming, like, a parody of itself.

323. - It feels like an empty threat,

324. like you're trying to be a movie.

325. - Trying to be a movie? Fuck you.

326. You wanna do it? No, you don't.

327. So shut the fuck up. Look, I got this.

328. I got this. Fuck you. Go. Record this one.

329. - It's been recording the whole time, Scott.

330. - All right, shut the fuck up, dude.

331. Fucking piece of shit. This mask smells like shit.

332. All right, go again.

333. Hey, motherfuckers.

334. - You scared?

335. - No, not really.

336. You know, this whole thing was my idea.

337. Scotty can act like he's the leader of it and all,

338. but, I mean,

339. he wouldn't have anything if it weren't for me.

340. - You two threw me down the hill, didn't you?

341. No.

342. No way. No, of course not.

343. - You're a terrible liar.

344. I weirdly expected this from him

345. but not from you,

346. you pussy bitch.

347. - No, seriously, Lucy.

348. Lucy.

349. - It's when we start believing

350. we can take life into our own hands,

351. resolve matters ourselves

352. without the guiding hand of the Lord

353. that we fall victim

354. to the snakes of the world.

355. - Mm. Amen.

356. - Though cleverly disguised

357. as a loving neighbor,

358. a trusted friend,

359. they will find their way in, folks.

360. - They will.

361. - Sometimes a snake will come into the garden,

362. and when one does,

363. you need to close them eyes,

364. tilt that head up and say,

365. "Good afternoon, Jesus." - Yeah.

366. - "Good afternoon, Lord."

367. That's not gonna bother Him a bit.

368. I promise. - I'll be right back.

369. - He's ready to hear your call,

370. always there to help you

371. deal with the snakes.

372. Let's turn to 1 Corinthians 10:13.

373. - Y'all wonder where those devils went,

374. why there was no crime scene, no police tape stuff,

375. no sign of nothing?

376. - Stop doing theatrics, Jesse. Just show us your TV show.

377. - Security camera footage. It's not a TV show.

378. - Shh, shh. Just be quiet. How 'bout that?

379. - I'm not gonna shush. - Shut up.

380. I'm watching TV.

381. Oh, shit. There's three of 'em?

382. - Ding, ding.

383. - They're not dead?

384. - Least the one I runned over's not.

385. The one you got has passed.

386. - Nuh-uh, mine looked like he was gonna be fine.

387. The back fender probably just

388. gave him a charley horse or something.

389. - Looks worse than that. - Kelvin, shut up.

390. Who cares, all right?

391. What we need to do here is figure out

392. who these idiots are, and apparently,

393. there's three of 'em.

394. Let's brainstorm, okay?

395. Let's have a spitball sesh right now, come up with some ideas.

396. How are we gonna find these guys?

397. Levi.

398. - We can make a flyer with a pic of the van,

399. see if anybody's seen it.

400. They ain't a lost cat, Levi.

401. Jeez, man.

402. They ain't running for school president.

403. - Yeah, dumb.

404. Fuck off outta here with that idea, Levi.

405. - Okay, this is a safe space. We can pitch freely.

406. Anybody else got anything? Gregory, you got something?

407. - Not yet. - Yeah, not yet.

408. Of course. I'm not gonna hold my breath.

409. - Uh, I have a real idea. - Oh, well, let me guess.

410. "We should tell Daddy and turn ourselves in."

411. - All right, do you— do you want my idea?

412. - Well, let's hear it. - Okay, then shut up real quick.

413. Thank you. Traffic cams, right?

414. They got videotapes on them, and when cars drive through 'em,

415. it will videotape that footage.

416. So I say we go and get traffic cam footage from,

417. like, the area that night,

418. and then we can track where they went.

419. - Well, is that, like, a real thing?

420. - Yeah, it is.

421. Every red light has a camera and, like,

422. tons of technologies on it.

423. - Look at him.

424. That's my baby bro-bro right there.

425. - Don't touch me. - Thank you for participating

426. instead of being mopey for once in your life.

427. This is good. This is exactly what we need.

428. Thank you, buddy.

429. So Kelvin's figured out that much.

430. I need that traffic cam footage.

431. Who in here's gonna get it for me?

432. - Not me. I've done enough already.

433. - Gregory, what if Jesus Christ just did one or two things

434. and was like, "I'm good. I don't need to die on the cross."

435. Where would we be then? - I don't know, Jess.

436. - Get your head out of your asshole, okay?

437. - I think I know someone who could help.

438. - See, you have form RG004A.

439. You need form FR309 for a fleet policy of 25 or more vehicles,

440. which is the situation you're in.

441. So once you fill that form out,

442. you can come back up here and we'll get—

443. I'll—I'll help you with further assistance.

444. God bless you.

445. Yo, what's up?

446. Okay, yeah. Over—over back?

447. - I could lose my job for this, but I'd do anything for you.

448. You know that, Kelvin. - I know.

449. - You saved me from the darkness,

450. brought me to the light.

451. I owe you everything.

452. You know, I'd even kill myself if you asked me to.

453. - What the hell? - I know, buddy.

454. You tell me that a lot.

455. - Okay, I would, though.

456. - I'm not gonna tell you to kill yourself.

457. - Okay.

458. - So these guys in the red van here,

459. they're—uh, they're our buds and our friends, you know?

460. And we're just playing some pranks with them.

461. - Yeah, just car pranks, your average car prank.

462. - Well, I trust you, friend. - I know.

463. - Here's that van crossing the intersection that you gave me.

464. And then cameras catch the van

465. for about a mile, and then we lose 'em.

466. - Huh. - But then we pick them up again

467. on a cam near the hospital.

468. And, uh, a few hours later,

469. a camera picks the van up as it's leaving the hospital.

470. And then, um, we end up

471. following them all the way on cams to right there.

472. - And how long ago was that?

473. - A week ago. - And where are they now?

474. - They're still there,

475. the same place they were a— a week ago.

476. - You can't kill the devil, son.

477. I'm coming after you.

478. Eat shit, Gemstones.

479. What the fuck?

480. Did you fuck us?

481. - What are you talking about? - Chicken shit.

482. You did this. - No.

483. It was me. - You did this?

484. - I'm going home. You left me for dead, Scotty.

485. You dumped my body down a fucking ditch!

486. - No, I didn't.

487. Is that what he told you? Huh?

488. This was our ticket. This was everything.

489. You and me, Thailand, piña coladas.

490. - Fuck you.

491. Lucy!

492. You told her.

493. - No, I didn't.

494. - Why'd you tell her?

495. You like her? You think she likes you?

496. - No, no. Don't do this, okay?

497. You're hurt. - Yeah, you're about to be hurt.

498. - Enough, okay?

499. - Ow!

500. - Whoa! Okay.

501. I got something else.

502. What the fuck was that?

503. - All right.

504. Come on, man.

505. Oh, oh.

506. Oh, my God, you broke my back.

507. - Okay, enough, all right?

508. I'm gonna get you up and no more.

509. - You broke my fucking back.

510. - Come on, Scotty, you gotta work with me.

511. - Come on.

512. Oh, what's up now, bitch? Fuck you.

513. What are you gonna do?

514. Quit fucking doing that shit.

515. - Enough, all right?

516. - You fucked up, man!

517. - I'm tapping out. I submit.

518. - Fuck you. - Fuck you!

519. - You lost the fucking money,

520. and you're gonna get it back one way or the other.

521. - I'll get the money. - Okay?

522. - I'll get the fucking money, okay?

523. - All right. Truce.

524. - Truce? - Yeah, come on. Fuck you.

525. - Jesus Christ, Scott.

526. - If you don't, I will kill you.

527. - Does that sound believable?

528. Do I sound like I'm trying to be a fucking movie?

529. You're fucking crazy.

530. - Get me the money.

531. Ugh.

532. Oh, fuck.

533. - Quick question, friend.

534. You seen this van around?

535. - Seen a lot of vans around, man.

536. - Kelvin, plan B.

537. - Maybe this will refresh your memory, hmm?

538. - How you like that, huh? - Mm-hmm.

539. - Does that help a little bit? - Got some answers now?

540. - He loves it. - Okay, yeah.

541. They've been staying here for, like, a week.

542. - Yeah! - Okay, all right.

543. - I told you. - There you go.

544. - Though they checked out today.

545. - They checked out today? - Ah, shoot.

546. Hey, Honey Bunches of Oats.

547. Huh? Details.

548. Think hard.

549. - Just like regular white people.

550. - Did this whites happen to tell you where they were heading?

551. - No, man, fuck you think? People don't say shit to me.

552. - Perhaps that's because of the customer service.

553. - Is this little boy your son? - I'm fully grown.

554. Thank you. I'm an adult man.

555. - Okay, well, uh, y'all want a room or what?

556. - No, we don't want a room! We want answers!

557. Fucking guy thinks I'm old enough to be your daddy.

558. Jesus H.

559. - Well, you are aging horrifically.

560. Look, Jesse, I know you're disappointed,

561. but I think it's for the best.

562. I don't know what you're capable of.

563. I don't want our paths to cross with those guys ever again.

564. - Shit, maybe that's that.

565. No, I don't think so.

566. - Damn it.

567. - You're leading too much.

568. - Funny.

569. I wasn't having any trouble 'fore you got here.

570. - You know, I would have come with you

571. if you wanted to shoot 'em like we used to together.

572. - You're the one who stopped, not me.

573. - I'm sorry, baby.

574. I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you I was talking to him.

575. I never should have kept that from you.

576. - I agree.

577. Can't keep secrets from family. It's not right.

578. - No. No more.

579. - Deal.

580. - Deal. Come here.

581. Ooh.

582. - Good afternoon, Jesus.

583. Thank you for watching after my family and myself.

584. And thank you for letting me be born into this world

585. as a Gemstone.

586. - The legacy of my family carries immense weight...

587. - But I take it you are no stranger to that, Dear Lord.

588. - We gotta get off the compound, baby.

589. Oh, take me right here.

590. - My duties are great,

591. but many are the pleasures you have bestowed upon me.

592. - Oh, no.

593. I came.

594. I'm so sorry.

595. - Grant me strength, Dear Lord,

596. to lead the people...

597. To bring them to your righteous kingdom.

598. And thank you, Lord,

599. for forgiving me of my wrongdoings,

600. which you know are not who I am.

601. Your ability to accept me for the sinner I am

602. only speaks to your greatness...

603. His righteous grace...

604. Your guidance and mercy is all that the Gemstones require.

605. Please, teach me your patience.

606. Teach—

607. Fuckin' A.

608. Somebody get the door, please.

609. Get the door!

610. I'm praying, God damn it!

611. - Hey, Mama.

612. I'm home.

613. - Gideon. Oh, my baby.

614. - Oh!

615. Hi.

616. We're gonna be late!

617. Can I please just stay home?

618. Everybody's going to church, goddammit.

619. Our son is back in our lives,

620. and you need to give him another chance

621. because I love him.

622. You got me opening a church in the middle of a mall.

623. This is a place you can buy slacks,

624. but now you can buy Jesus.

625. But you can't put him on layaway.

626. I brought you all here because I have made a discovery.

627. - Grab his ass. - (SCREAMS)

628. Hey, Dad? - What's up— huh?

629. - What's going on? - Help!

630. Well I just wanted to talk, but did he say, "Help"?

631. Just go outside, I'll be out there in a sec,

632. I'm just gonna finish up a prayer

633. - with these guys. - Okay.