The Righteous Gemstones 4x8

1. Dang, Beej.

2. Remember I used to bring you out here when we first met?

3. We'd do picnics and hook-ups,

4. play tag.

5. We ain't never gonna do that again.

6. I mean, we can come out here and eat or—shit, whatever,

7. but it's just not the same.

8. You know what I mean?

9. I actually wanna show you something that

10. Dr. Watson and I have been working on.

11. BJ, if y'all have graduated to cock stuff,

12. I don't wanna see it.

13. Just step back.

14. Dr. Watson.

15. BJ, can you check your chimp?

16. Judy, don't misbreed Dr. Watson.

17. He's a capuchin, not a chimp.

18. Dr. Watson, come here.

19. Let's not get sidetracked.

20. I was just about to show you.

21. Behold.

22. What are you doing?

23. BJ.

24. Whoa.

25. Beej! Oh, my God.

26. Blast it! I was close.

27. You really were, BJ.

28. You were so close!

29. You did it, BJ!

30. You did it!

31. I did it! I did it!

32. I am healed!

33. - They let a homosexual in our midst!

34. - Pastor Vance Simkins of Simkins Family Ministries

35. was booed off stage for an outburst

36. at a religious awards show.

37. Ooh, burn.

38. I fucking love this.

39. I'm gonna come.

40. I love it so much.

41. Look at that.

42. That's the face of a fucking beaten man right there.

43. I wanna make it the damn wallpaper on my home screen.

44. He is a very negative man,

45. so I don't feel bad that you're gloating.

46. Kelvin won that award himself

47. by standing up for what he believes in.

48. Praise be.

49. Well, I mean, technically, Kelvin beat him.

50. But I was the main one, you know,

51. pushing him to get out there.

52. Mm.

53. Really?

54. Because Judy said that she pushed him.

55. Well, no.

56. I mean, Judy was mainly, like, witnessing the pushing.

57. I was the main one doing the pushing.

58. I was the pushing force, for sure.

59. OK.

60. Sucks I'm gonna get zero public glory for it.

61. You know, there is satisfaction

62. in being somebody behind the scenes

63. who had an influence.

64. A more mature dignity in not needing

65. any credit for it, though.

66. A hidden figure, so to speak.

67. Maybe.

68. Very interesting concept.

69. Hey, Dr. Watson, give me a roll.

70. Mm.

71. What the fuck?

72. That's nasty!

73. We need a new basket.

74. That damn dirty-ass monkey touched all the rolls.

75. Yeah, why is the outbreak monkey still here?

76. BJ can walk.

77. It's a great question.

78. Amber, maybe it's time

79. you take this little fucker face

80. back to the wet market that you stole it from.

81. No rush.

82. Plus, BJ's expressed some interest in keeping it.

83. Yes, we'll pay

84. whatever it takes to the foundation.

85. Hang on, dude. Pump the brakes.

86. No, we won't.

87. We need to get rid of him.

88. Whoa, Dr. Watson's an incredible animal.

89. He truly helped me heal.

90. Can you make him smoke and shit?

91. Honestly, that— that might be fun to see.

92. No, we're not having the service animal

93. smoke a cigarette, OK?

94. And don't encourage him, Gideon.

95. Yeah, that's stupid.

96. But can he? - No, Jesse.

97. He can't smoke a fucking cigarette, OK?

98. He's a dumb animal.

99. Sucking darts is a complex action.

100. I mean, if we had a smoke, he could probably do it.

101. I got some menthols.

102. Do monkeys smoke them?

103. I bet they do.

104. Let's give it a try.

105. If he can smoke on command,

106. you gotta keep him, because that is too cool.

107. Gotta keep him.

108. Dr. Watson, I only want you to do this

109. if you feel comfortable with it.

110. OK?

111. - Dude, get your camera out. - Shit.

112. Holy shit.

113. - Oh. - He's gonna do it.

114. Dude, no way!

115. - Are you getting this? - Yeah.

116. He does like menthols!

117. Ho, ho, ho, ho.

118. OK, now you have to keep him.

119. Keefe, we are definitely getting a little monkey.

120. Oh, yeah.

121. A teeny, tiny monkey would be a great addition to game night.

122. It sure would.

123. No, y'all!

124. Nobody's getting one.

125. Come on, Daddy, tell them.

126. Help me, please.

127. Earth to Eli.

128. Hmm?

129. Poor old sad sack Eli over here all fucked up.

130. I'm sorry you got dumped by Ms. Lori.

131. I didn't get dumped.

132. Yeah, Daddy didn't get dumped.

133. He dumped her.

134. It was not the other way around.

135. I'm just glad that's over with.

136. Sheesh.

137. Good riddance, huh?

138. I'm also glad Daddy got rid of that long hair of his.

139. Sometimes I'd walk up on you, and I'd be like, is that Daddy,

140. or is that a Shakespeare witch?

141. I don't wanna talk about it.

142. No, Daddy ain't sweatin' her, 'cause Daddy had Mama,

143. and she was a "once in a lifetime" lady lover.

144. That's right.

145. Who needs anything else after Mama?

146. Certainly not Daddy, right, Daddy?

147. You got greedy, Daddy boy.

148. Yeah, guys, it looks like

149. the monkey does more than smoke.

150. He's spanking his monkey!

151. Damn.

152. Oh!

153. BJ, you wanna be all Doctor Dolittle and shit?

154. You get over there, and you tell him

155. to stop jacking his little monkey dick at church lunch!

156. He's spanking it.

157. Mama, you should just call him.

158. What, after all those things he said to me?

159. No.

160. No, sir.

161. I don't understand how it blew up the way it did.

162. Well, I'm so sorry that me and Eli splitting up

163. is so hard for you.

164. Well, it's just Jessie, Judy, Kelvin

165. are some of my oldest friends.

166. You know, Janice throwing me a party for my birthday—

167. I want 'em to be there.

168. Am I missing something?

169. Invite whoever you want.

170. I promise I will be on my best behavior,

171. no matter who you got coming.

172. I'm happy to hear you say that, 'cause one more thing—

173. Daddy said he's gonna be there too.

174. Fuck me.

175. Goddamn it.

176. You can tell by the sunshine that it's past 2:00.

177. Baby Billy was supposed to be here an hour ago.

178. We eat, yeah?

179. Let's wait a little bit longer.

180. Baby Billy loves homemade picnics.

181. He'll be here.

182. He promised.

183. We gon' be heroes of the village party

184. now that I've turned this river water into wine.

185. Here you go, Nathaniel.

186. One more, Nathaniel.

187. Whoa!

188. Teenjus, you really turned this water to wine!

189. Do you think this will finally stop everyone

190. from making fun of you for having a virgin mom?

191. - Cut! - Cut!

192. Come on, Johnny B!

193. Ain't no "virgin mom" in the script.

194. Don't be riffin' none now.

195. I just thought it'd be funny.

196. Well, it ain't!

197. I want you to say what I fuckin' wrote!

198. And hit that "water to wine" line.

199. Put some sauce on that.

200. Look at me.

201. All right.

202. I just need a minute.

203. Everybody, stay in it now.

204. Keep them focused, Randall.

205. All right, everybody, let's reset, please.

206. Everybody, back to one.

207. I thought it was funny.

208. We on to something now, something special!

209. I just need another take or two.

210. Once I turn this Teenjus on,

211. it's hard for me to turn it off.

212. Hey, boys.

213. Hey, Corey's dad.

214. Want a beer?

215. Fuck you!

216. I don't drink.

217. - Thank you so much. - Oh, thank you.

218. I love this dress.

219. Your vest is so cute.

220. Thank you.

221. I was hoping the Gemstones would show.

222. I know.

223. Sent them an invitation.

224. Must have got lost in the mail.

225. No, uh-uh. No.

226. It was a Evite, and I could see that they opened it.

227. She was being sarcastic, Jana.

228. It means they blew it off. - Aw.

229. - OK, great. - Aw.

230. What the fuck, man?

231. Oh, that's sad.

232. All right.

233. Well, I'm gonna get the cupcakes.

234. OK.

235. Hey, hey.

236. Hey.

237. Looks good.

238. Yeah.

239. What do you think of that?

240. It's a Gil Hibben original.

241. He's a master bladesmith.

242. Designed all the knives for the "Rambo" movies.

243. Thank you, Daddy.

244. It's cool.

245. It's expensive, is what it is.

246. Cost a pretty penny, you know?

247. So tell me, your mom and Mr. Big Shot break up yet?

248. Can we not do that right now?

249. I'm not comfortable talking about it here at the party.

250. What are you talkin' about?

251. You don't feel comfortable saying his name?

252. Eli Gemstone.

253. Please.

254. This is unhealthy.

255. Unhealthy?

256. You sound like a goddamn little bitch

257. talking this new age shit.

258. You know what?

259. Don't you fucking tell me what to do,

260. and answer my goddamn question.

261. Jesus, it's my fucking birthday, Daddy.

262. You—

263. I asked you a simple question, that's all.

264. You think you can still do that?

265. I just did.

266. Burgers are burnin'.

267. Bye, Rhonda.

268. Bye, Dick. - Bye.

269. Oh, ho, ho, ho.

270. What's got you looking all down with a frown,

271. Miss Doom and Gloom?

272. Give it a rest, dude.

273. Your problem is you make bad choices, hon'.

274. Eli is a prime example.

275. I mean, what the hell were you thinking, huh?

276. I didn't ask your opinion.

277. You know, it'd be a fucking shame

278. if something ever happened to Eli

279. like what happened to Big Dick Mitch.

280. What?

281. Mitch?

282. I'm just saying, it'd be terrible

283. if Eli disappeared off the face of this goddamn fucking earth,

284. like Mitch, and dumped you and leaves you like you—

285. using you and getting his rocks off.

286. You're pathetic.

287. And you make me sick.

288. No man is gonna ever love you like I do, Lori.

289. No real man.

290. Get the fuck out of here.

291. Feels like old times, don't it?

292. Oh!

293. Great party.

294. I got caught up at work.

295. She's upset you missed picnic.

296. Well, she don't look upset.

297. Looks like she's sleeping.

298. I ain't trying to hurt nobody, Sola.

299. Can't you see that I'm pushing myself for them,

300. to make sure that they're gonna be OK,

301. if they're gonna have everything that they need?

302. They need you.

303. Well, they can have me when I'm done.

304. Now carry her upstairs for me.

305. And don't hit her head this time.

306. And stop smoking that pipe in the house,

307. up here thinking you Bilbo Baggins.

308. This ain't no hobbit house.

309. Get out of here, you little pervert.

310. I don't want you scrubbing me like you scrub BJ.

311. Dr. Watson, no.

312. God, you're gonna murder me, aren't you?

313. Electrocute my ass, make me into a fucking X-ray skeleton.

314. Please, don't.

315. No!

316. Fart joke.

317. BJ, um, that monkey is acting strange.

318. I think maybe he's about done his thing here

319. because he's not a pet, BJ.

320. He's a medical tool.

321. It's like your wheelchair.

322. It's like something you need when you need help.

323. And then if you don't need help, you give it back.

324. He needs to go live with an in-need person.

325. Well, Dr. Watson is happiest when he can serve someone.

326. Exactly, somebody very, very fucked up.

327. Like, if he could get with somebody

328. who fell off a building or something, he'd be so stoked.

329. How am I gonna tell him?

330. BJ, that's a monkey.

331. You ain't gotta say shit.

332. I'll go make the arrangements.

333. You ain't got what it takes, Teenjus.

334. What'd you say?

335. We got this dance contest in the bag.

336. Oh, yeah?

337. Who you think you talking to, son?

338. We gon' win this contest right chere.

339. Let's go!

340. Whoo!

341. Oh!

342. I got your miracle right here, nerd.

343. I pronounce you healed!

344. Come on, drop them damn crutches!

345. Get to dancing.

346. Oh, Teenjus.

347. Ha-ha!

348. Eli, you gon' participate in the scene?

349. You just gon' stand there

350. looking like you had a damn stroke?

351. Dagnabbit, Baby Billy.

352. I told you this wasn't my thing.

353. I can see that.

354. It's a spectacle.

355. You got to react to it.

356. Open your mouth and shaka.

357. Just smile with some glee, you know,

358. some—some human shit.

359. I just don't think I'm in the mood.

360. Fuck it.

361. That's lunch, everybody.

362. Ms. Lori's got you hurting, don't she?

363. I was happy with the companionship,

364. but I feel foolish for even wanting it.

365. Well, we just need to get you a layup, find you a big girl,

366. a corn-fed girl.

367. Get your ball rolling again.

368. Ah, speak of the devil.

369. Hey, hey, don't answer that.

370. That's power move.

371. Make her desperate.

372. Yeah, well, then, maybe I'll call her back later.

373. Or maybe you won't.

374. Let her keep calling.

375. That sends a message.

376. What's the message?

377. That I'm bad at keeping in touch?

378. No, that you a busy man.

379. You ain't got time to be answering no phone calls.

380. Let her know that there's a price to be paid

381. for no longer being with you, Eli Gemstone.

382. Well, that's what I would do.

383. That'll fix 'er.

384. I can't believe you're leaving us, Dr. Watson.

385. Well, I guess this is goodbye.

386. I don't know what I would have done without you.

387. You deserve nothing but the finest.

388. He doesn't want to let go.

389. Oh.

390. Dr. Watson has attachment issues,

391. ever since the loss of his mother.

392. Say what?

393. Yeah, he lost his mother as a youngster.

394. She was beloved by all.

395. Big personality.

396. Big.

397. How can you treat him so sweetly?

398. He's mean.

399. He's manipulative.

400. He's jealous.

401. He's aggressive, unpredictable.

402. He's also loyal, beautiful.

403. And he believes in me.

404. OK, I think—

405. I think we're ready to go, Brody.

406. - Yeah. - Yeah.

407. He's not answering his phone.

408. Maybe Mr. Eli just needs some space.

409. He'll come around.

410. Corey, do you think your dad would ever

411. do anything to try to hurt Eli?

412. I doubt it.

413. Daddy's come a long way.

414. He don't even drink anymore.

415. Hmm.

416. Are we done yet, Martin?

417. I told you, I don't like doing these afternoon meetings.

418. I'm too busy for this.

419. There is one more visitor.

420. One more visitor.

421. No, Martin!

422. - No, uh-uh. - Uh-uh.

423. No, she's not an approved guest.

424. Take out a gun and kill her!

425. I have known this woman half my life.

426. She has known you your whole lives.

427. I think it wise that you hear her out.

428. I will leave you all alone.

429. No, Martin, take her too! Take her!

430. Martin!

431. Don't leave her in here, Martin!

432. Wow.

433. The balls you must have showing your face here

434. after the shit you talked?

435. Kids, I—

436. I need to speak with your daddy.

437. And he— he won't answer my calls.

438. Duh.

439. Homeboy finally got smart about something.

440. Why are you even coming to us?

441. Remember, you're like the evil stepmother

442. who wants to wage wars?

443. We know you were just after Daddy's money.

444. You're a hump-and-dump princess.

445. That ain't true.

446. You kids know me.

447. You know I would—

448. I would never do anything to hurt your daddy.

449. Well, you betrayed our mama when you started

450. snacking on Daddy's dingus wing.

451. I loved your mama.

452. She was like a sister to me,

453. and I—

454. I still have a place deep in my heart for each one of you.

455. Horse shit.

456. You're just saying that.

457. None of this rings true to me.

458. Ms. Lori, I don't even know you anymore.

459. And you sure as fuck don't know me.

460. OK.

461. OK, Judy.

462. Do you remember your mama's song

463. "Little Angels, Big Hearts"?

464. Duh, bitch, yes.

465. That's me and my mama's favorite.

466. We used to sing it to each other all the time.

467. Well, me and your mama wrote that song

468. when we was driving to Nashville.

469. And you weren't but a few months old,

470. and she missed you so much,

471. she could barely stop crying.

472. Well, I never knew that.

473. Shoot, I—

474. I probably got a million stories

475. about your mama y'all don't know nothing about.

476. Kelvin, do you remember that piano concert

477. that you played when you was about 12 years old

478. at that church in Atlanta?

479. Yeah.

480. Forgot my lucky shoes.

481. Mama prayed with me, gave me the strength

482. to do the concert without those stupid shoes.

483. Well, that's what inspired us to write

484. "Barefoot and Praying,"

485. about the little boy who could do anything.

486. Really?

487. And, Jesse, when Gideon was a baby,

488. he got a fever, and y'all didn't know

489. if he was gonna make it.

490. And you stayed up with him all night,

491. holding his little hand,

492. and never slept a wink until his fever broke.

493. Yeah, well, that's because I was afraid

494. we were gonna lose him.

495. Well, we wrote "Heaven's Thunder"

496. about you,

497. finding God's strength,

498. never giving up.

499. Well, that's because I never do give up,

500. so that's...

501. The truth is, I been through a lot of pain in my life.

502. And when I saw your daddy again, I just—

503. I felt a joy that I hadn't felt in a long time.

504. Please, y'all.

505. I love you kids, and I love your dad.

506. And I hate that there's bad blood between us.

507. I feel in my heart that your mama would

508. want you to help me right now.

509. I just—I just need to talk with him.

510. Huddle up. Huddle up.

511. We're doing a huddle-up if you could just turn.

512. OK.

513. Fuck.

514. The song stories are pretty much working on me.

515. Yeah. Me too.

516. I feel like she's being sincere, right?

517. I mean, look at her.

518. She's, like, crying and stuff.

519. True facts.

520. Y'all, please don't fucking let me hug her.

521. - Don't do it. Do not hug her. - Do not hug her.

522. We'll make sure you don't hug her.

523. Ms. Lori Milsap, we have conferred

524. and have reached the decision that we are going

525. to help you contact our beloved daddy.

526. This will be a temporary alliance, of course.

527. Do not expect us to pretend like

528. you're our mom or something.

529. It's not happening.

530. Yeah, we're not gonna suddenly be like,

531. "Hey, Mommy.

532. Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy."

533. No "Mommy Mommys" to you or anything.

534. Uh-uh.

535. But we are gonna help you.

536. Oh, thank you.

537. Thank you kids so much.

538. Thank you.

539. You're welcome, Mommy.

540. Kelvin!

541. Mommy's friend.

542. Ms. Lori. You know what I meant.

543. Stop. Don't.

544. Stop.

545. Now, when we get to set, put some effort into it.

546. This is "Teenjus."

547. It's gonna be a big deal now, a very big deal.

548. Wait a minute.

549. "Teen Just"?

550. No, it ain't no "Teen Just."

551. It's "Teenjus," Eli.

552. "Teen Jesus" mixed.

553. What? What? Hey, whoa.

554. Hey, what's going on now?

555. Eli! Hey, hey!

556. What the fuck is this?

557. Ah!

558. What the hell?

559. Where are we?

560. We're in a concrete room.

561. It don't get much worse than this now.

562. Jiminy Crickets.

563. What the fuck is that?

564. My name is Mitch.

565. I—I was abducted.

566. Big Dick Mitch?

567. That's kind of a strange thing to comment on, Eli.

568. Peek-a-boo.

569. I see you boys, uh, have gotten acquainted.

570. Mitch here is just another animal in captivity

571. here at the gator park, y'all.

572. Ain't you, Mitch?

573. Yes—yes—yes, sir.

574. Mitch is a good boy.

575. - Mm-hmm. - Uh-huh.

576. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

577. I guess y'all got some sexual shit going on here?

578. I keep Mitch alive because he entertains me.

579. And I'm not sure if the same gon' be true for y'all.

580. Might be fun to break y'all down.

581. See how long it takes you to crack.

582. Make y'all my womans.

583. You ain't making me no woman!

584. I'll make you whatever the hell I want.

585. Oh, you don't have to do this.

586. Yeah, I do.

587. Mr. Cobb, the police are here at the gift shop.

588. They'd like a word.

589. I'll be back.

590. Po-po's out front.

591. This here room's soundproof.

592. Ask Mitch.

593. Mm.

594. Help!

595. Ah!

596. Help!

597. Ah!

598. Help me!

599. Somebody please, somebody help!

600. Down here, made with 100% genuine gator skin.

601. Yeah.

602. What can I help you fellas with?

603. Cobb Milsap?

604. Mm-hmm.

605. You own this place?

606. I sure do, yeah.

607. We're actually about to close for the evening.

608. Stacy, can you make the park announcement?

609. Yeah.

610. Hello, guests.

611. The park is closing for the day.

612. Thank you for visiting Milsap Gator Park

613. and Serpentarium.

614. Not bad.

615. Now then, officers, what can I help you with?

616. We're following a missing person lead.

617. Have you seen this man?

618. No, don't think I have.

619. Mind if we take a look around?

620. Around my park?

621. Is that a problem?

622. Good God, no.

623. Popcorn?

624. So what makes y'all think your missing guy

625. has visited my park anyway?

626. Oh, just a call we got.

627. Let me guess—

628. from my ex-wife, Lori, right?

629. What lie did she spin this time?

630. God, that woman's always trying to ruin my life.

631. Yeah, I'm going through a divorce right now.

632. It's been brutal, man.

633. So you know what the hell I've been dealing with.

634. I do.

635. - Yeah, shit happens. - Yeah.

636. You want an S class?

637. Well, you're in luck.

638. We had low inventory last week,

639. but I may have just gotten one in from Raleigh.

640. All I need to know is,

641. what is it gonna take to get you in a car today?

642. We gotta get the fuck out of here.

643. This boy is fixing to rape us, Eli.

644. Just let me talk to my—

645. Baby Billy, roll over here and help untie me.

646. I almost got my hand through the knot.

647. Just pull when I pull.

648. Well—wh—why I got to roll over to you?

649. Why don't you roll your fat ass over to me?

650. Baby Billy!

651. Damn it, Eli!

652. I ain't even supposed to be here.

653. I'm a victim of circumstance.

654. I ain't the one fucking Ms. Lori.

655. I wonder if he wants to test drive.

656. Just pull when I pull!

657. OK.

658. Go.

659. He's gonna test drive, yeah.

660. Oh!

661. - Ah! - All right.

662. All right. - Good.

663. OK. - All right.

664. - Now go, get me out now. - I'm coming.

665. Get them off, Eli!

666. Faster than that.

667. Ah!

668. Well, boys, sorry I couldn't be of any help.

669. Mm-hmm.

670. And, uh, good luck with that divorce.

671. Not fun.

672. I appreciate it, Cobb.

673. I might bring the kids back here.

674. I didn't even know this place existed.

675. You think he got Big Dick?

676. Oh, God, I hope not.

677. We gotta move.

678. Here we go.

679. Oh, hey, Mr. Cobb.

680. I'm gonna clock out now.

681. Gates are all locked up.

682. And did you hear those noises a while ago?

683. Like gunshots or something?

684. Go clock out, Stacy.

685. All right, will do.

686. And I wanna ask you—

687. July 4, can I have it off?

688. My family and I, we're going out of town.

689. Stacy, clock out and go home right now,

690. or I'm gonna fucking kill you.

691. OK, sure.

692. I'll see you tomorrow.

693. Are those maintenance guys by the feeder tanks?

694. You want me to get 'em?

695. No, I'll get 'em.

696. Eli!

697. I see I got your attention now, don't I?

698. God damn it!

699. Oh!

700. I owed you that one!

701. Was she worth it, Eli?

702. Is she better than Aimee-Leigh, huh?

703. Ah!

704. Oh, yeah!

705. Just one last time, Lord.

706. Look at the mighty Eli!

707. God, bless this cocaine

708. to give me the gas to beat this demon.

709. Why?

710. Cocaine!

711. You motherfuckers!

712. I'm gonna fucking kill you both.

713. What you crying about?

714. Ah!

715. You stabbed me.

716. You little son of a bitch.

717. You—ah!

718. Is that the Gil Hibben?

719. Goddamn!

720. What a master bladesmith.

721. Huh!

722. Ah! Ah!

723. Ah!

724. No, no! No, no!

725. Whoa.

726. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

727. Oh!

728. Corey, Corey, help.

729. Please, Corey.

730. Oh, God, help!

731. Whoa!

732. Goddamn!

733. He gone.

734. How did you know?

735. Mama was worried about you.

736. I came to check on things.