1. Nope! Nope.Copy !req
2. We are not doing this
again, motherfucker.Copy !req
3. It's not gonna happen.Copy !req
4. Well, nice to see
you too, Lori.Copy !req
5. I've been working out.
Doing fine. How about you?Copy !req
6. You are not my manCopy !req
7. and have not been my man
for a long time.Copy !req
8. So stop trying
to chase off every personCopy !req
9. that I get involved with.Copy !req
10. Hold on, more trouble
with your love life?Copy !req
11. Man, stay the fuck
out of my life.Copy !req
12. It's sad.Copy !req
13. Yet here you are,
just in time to see me work outCopy !req
14. and sweat with my shirt off.Copy !req
15. Uh-huh.Copy !req
16. Yeah, I know why you're here.Copy !req
17. That's a pass.
This is disgusting.Copy !req
18. Still, you can't seem
to stay away.Copy !req
19. Must be my animal magnetism
or something.Copy !req
20. The next time
anything like this happens,Copy !req
21. I'm calling the cops,
and that is a promise.Copy !req
22. Don't come anywhere near me.Copy !req
23. Kelvin?Copy !req
24. Ahh-ah!Copy !req
25. It seems that all
the ladders and platformsCopy !req
26. and even the pirate ship's net
have been removed,Copy !req
27. so there's no way for me
to climb up to you.Copy !req
28. This is what cowards do,
Keefe.Copy !req
29. They hide in their forts.Copy !req
30. Respect my wishes.Copy !req
31. Well, everyone at Prism's
pretty concerned.Copy !req
32. Some fear that you are shook,Copy !req
33. that you're not capable
of carrying onCopy !req
34. after the roundtable misstep.Copy !req
35. That's wrong.Copy !req
36. They're not concerned.Copy !req
37. They're disappointed
because they realizeCopy !req
38. I'm not the brave leader
they thought I was.Copy !req
39. I'm a total failure.Copy !req
40. Bye.Copy !req
41. Well, maybe if you come down,
it'll make them feel better.Copy !req
42. Plus, tonight's the final eventCopy !req
43. of the
Top Christ Following Man,Copy !req
44. the Night of Testimonies.Copy !req
45. I'm not going to win Top
Christ Following Man, Keefe.Copy !req
46. I'm nothing.Copy !req
47. Lucky I don't jump out of here
and break my freaking neck.Copy !req
48. - I'd catch you.
- No, you wouldn't.Copy !req
49. My will is stronger
than your strength, Keefe.Copy !req
50. Go!
Get out of here!Copy !req
51. Fine.Copy !req
52. Thank you, Dr. Watson.Copy !req
53. That's enough pretzels.Copy !req
54. My mouth is getting very dry.Copy !req
55. Oh, well, thank you,
Dr. Watson.Copy !req
56. I didn't even have
to ring the bell.Copy !req
57. I've started rewarding him
with prepackaged fajita meat.Copy !req
58. Seems like Dr. Watson's
really working out, huh?Copy !req
59. Judy, you have no idea.Copy !req
60. His primate cognition
is off the charts.Copy !req
61. Mm, mm.Copy !req
62. I'm fairly certain
his love languageCopy !req
63. is physical touch,
so it's importantCopy !req
64. he gets wots of wub.Copy !req
65. Mm.Copy !req
66. Oh, for real?Copy !req
67. Mm.Copy !req
68. Stop.Copy !req
69. Now, Teenjus,
you damn skipped school.Copy !req
70. You're out
wandering the desert.Copy !req
71. And the devil
is tempting your assCopy !req
72. to turn these stones into bread
with your special powers.Copy !req
73. And you hungry
'cause you been fasting.Copy !req
74. So you tempted.Copy !req
75. But you tell him off instead.Copy !req
76. All right, let's go, now.
Act good.Copy !req
77. Man shall not live
by bread aloneCopy !req
78. but by every word that comes
from the mouth of God, my dude.Copy !req
79. Hey, hey, hey.
Why the fuck you mumbling?Copy !req
80. You Teenjus.Copy !req
81. Now, say it with authority, now.Copy !req
82. Come on, let's go.Copy !req
83. It's OK, I know.Copy !req
84. Man shall not live
by br—by bread alone but—Copy !req
85. Somebody come take
these damn kids off my knee.Copy !req
86. Here, get over here.
Here, here.Copy !req
87. Go on back.
Go on back.Copy !req
88. Maybe he'll be your daddy.Copy !req
89. Here, stay there
with them headphones on.Copy !req
90. I guess I got to do
everything around here.Copy !req
91. Everything!Copy !req
92. Now if you can't deliver,Copy !req
93. maybe it's time
I play Teenjus myself.Copy !req
94. Go on.
Sit down!Copy !req
95. - But you're not a teen.
- Yeah?Copy !req
96. Well, you ain't really
the devil, ding-a-ling.Copy !req
97. It's called acting, dear boy.Copy !req
98. It's a cinch.Copy !req
99. Sorry we're late.Copy !req
100. Sola and I got caught
in traffic.Copy !req
101. Y'all are real late!Copy !req
102. Why don't you get
a fucking SwatchCopy !req
103. or whatever they sell
in your goddamn country?Copy !req
104. I got too many spinning plates
to be stuck here babysitting.Copy !req
105. Hmm, babysitting?
They're your kids.Copy !req
106. Yes, which is why I pay
dummy over thereCopy !req
107. good money
to watch them while I work.Copy !req
108. Now, I'm busy.
You know this.Copy !req
109. Well, it just—it seems
like everything elseCopy !req
110. is more important than us.Copy !req
111. You—everybody take five!Copy !req
112. Come over here.Copy !req
113. Now, what you doing this for?Copy !req
114. Don't you know
how much I got going on?Copy !req
115. Yeah, I know.Copy !req
116. I just—I worry about
you working too much.Copy !req
117. We—we don't need
any more money.Copy !req
118. I'm used to having none at all,
so we got plenty enough for me.Copy !req
119. Well, we don't
have enough for me.Copy !req
120. Now, I been on this
stardom train before.Copy !req
121. And you got to get it
while you canCopy !req
122. before it all dries up.Copy !req
123. Is that all
that matters to you?Copy !req
124. As a matter of fact,
my job is very important to meCopy !req
125. in this moment.Copy !req
126. Now, stop being difficult,
and take these kidsCopy !req
127. to go get some ice cream.Copy !req
128. I ain't trying
to fight with you.Copy !req
129. I love you.Copy !req
130. I love you too, Baby Billy.Copy !req
131. Let me just get my paper
straight once and for all.Copy !req
132. And then we'll have enough.Copy !req
133. Maybe.Copy !req
134. Everybody back to one!Copy !req
135. Yo, what the hell
are you doing?Copy !req
136. I almost killed you.Copy !req
137. I can't feel my feet.Copy !req
138. Hey!
Whoop, whoop!Copy !req
139. Pontius, the fuck
are you doing?Copy !req
140. What is that, Pontius?Copy !req
141. Is that air duster spray?Copy !req
142. Getting dust off our boards.Copy !req
143. "Getting dust off our boards."Copy !req
144. You're doing drugs, Pontius.Copy !req
145. Frying your fucking brain
doing inhalants.Copy !req
146. Give me that shit
right now, dumb-ass.Copy !req
147. Fucking inhalants, really?Copy !req
148. God, what's next, buddy,
smoking banana peels,Copy !req
149. doing fucking ketamines?Copy !req
150. I've had enough of this shit.Copy !req
151. You're gonna get your act
in order, buddy, or I will.Copy !req
152. And your little
fucking burnout friendsCopy !req
153. have no business skating and
grinding in a place of worship!Copy !req
154. Seriously, Pont,
y'all are doing thisCopy !req
155. right outside the church?Copy !req
156. Ooh, the church.Copy !req
157. What happened to you, man?Copy !req
158. You used to be cool.Copy !req
159. Now you're like them—Copy !req
160. a sellout.Copy !req
161. Bite me, church boy.Copy !req
162. Hey, what the fuck is wrong
with being a church boy?Copy !req
163. Your old man's a church boy.Copy !req
164. Exactly.Copy !req
165. That's how you're gonna
end up, Gideon—Copy !req
166. just like Dad.Copy !req
167. That's a nightmare, bro.Copy !req
168. You know what?Copy !req
169. I'm trying to do
the right thing, Pontius.Copy !req
170. Maybe you should too.Copy !req
171. Look how they
cut your balls off.Copy !req
172. You think you're a preacher?Copy !req
173. You ain't even good at it.Copy !req
174. You suck.Copy !req
175. Nice penny loafers, bro.Copy !req
176. Those are nice penny loafers.Copy !req
177. Cut your balls off,
how about that?Copy !req
178. Jam them
into your friends' mouths!Copy !req
179. Fucking dickheads.Copy !req
180. God damn it,
I hate Pontius so much.Copy !req
181. - I know.
- Kelvin was right.Copy !req
182. My sons don't respect me.Copy !req
183. They think I'm a joke.Copy !req
184. Baby, no, that—stop.Copy !req
185. It's just a teenage thing.Copy !req
186. No, it's not.Copy !req
187. It's a me thing.Copy !req
188. I didn't just graduate
from AFI.;Copy !req
189. I'm a director.Copy !req
190. You cut my "Teenjus"
budget by 29%.Copy !req
191. I can't make this show epic
on a shoestring.Copy !req
192. You got me shooting at a cement
factory out in Goose Creek.Copy !req
193. We should be shooting this
motherfucker internationally.Copy !req
194. We should be in Jordan
right now in some Muslim tombsCopy !req
195. doing this shit for real, now.Copy !req
196. I wrote this fucker to be big.Copy !req
197. This is "Teenjus"!Copy !req
198. Yeah, we know
what the name of it is, OK?Copy !req
199. You've told us
over and over again.Copy !req
200. What I don't understand is why
the fuck it needs a big budget.Copy !req
201. It's a teen show.Copy !req
202. It ain't no just teen show.Copy !req
203. I'ma play Teenjus myself now.Copy !req
204. Wait, hang on.Copy !req
205. How's a 100-year-old
gonna play a teen?Copy !req
206. Well, ain't nobody 100.Copy !req
207. I ain't paying for this shit.Copy !req
208. The fuck you ain't!Copy !req
209. Now, I need some fresh cash
for reshoots.Copy !req
210. I'm thinking 2 mil.Copy !req
211. 2 million?Copy !req
212. Man, Uncle Baby, get the fuck
out of here with that shit.Copy !req
213. Where's Kelvin?Copy !req
214. I can usually talk
some sense into him.Copy !req
215. Fuck that little cocky baby.Copy !req
216. - Yeah.
- That's right.Copy !req
217. They picked the wrong GemstoneCopy !req
218. to be Top Christ Following Man, sadly.Copy !req
219. They sure did.
Should have been me.Copy !req
220. They ain't fucking with you.
You ain't Top Christ nothing.Copy !req
221. Stop all this
infighting shit.Copy !req
222. I need some good mojo
in this family.Copy !req
223. Now, on top of the 2 mil,Copy !req
224. I'm also gonna need
some cocaine.Copy !req
225. - Cocaine?
- Fuck is happening right now?Copy !req
226. Yes, I got a lot on my plate.Copy !req
227. I need some gas to keep
things cooking, now.Copy !req
228. You are too old to be
fucking with cocaine.Copy !req
229. That shit will kill you.Copy !req
230. It might kill you,
how fat your trunk is.Copy !req
231. But it ain't gonna kill me.Copy !req
232. Come on, I ain't asking
for the world here.Copy !req
233. I'm just asking for
a eight-ball and $2 million.Copy !req
234. Won't somebody
in this family thinkCopy !req
235. about somebody else for once?Copy !req
236. What would your mama think?Copy !req
237. About us not
getting you cocaine?Copy !req
238. Don't you be sassing me, boy.Copy !req
239. You know exactly
what I'm talking about.Copy !req
240. Over here battling your daddy,
hating on your brother.Copy !req
241. You won't even help out your
sweet old Uncle Baby Billy.Copy !req
242. You supposed to be a family.Copy !req
243. Start acting like one!Copy !req
244. God.Copy !req
245. Is he on cocaine right now?Copy !req
246. Yes, dude.Copy !req
247. Thank you for coming!Copy !req
248. Welcome to the Milsap Family
Gator Farm.Copy !req
249. My name's Cobb.Copy !req
250. I'm gonna introduce you to
my favorite, favorite partnerCopy !req
251. in crime, Big Gus.Copy !req
252. And when I ring this here bell,Copy !req
253. it means chow time for Big Gus.Copy !req
254. And it's about dinnertime
right now.Copy !req
255. Get your cameras out.Copy !req
256. Hold on to the little ones.Copy !req
257. Gators are fierce
predators, y'all.Copy !req
258. You tread
on their territory,Copy !req
259. and God forbid
you come too close...Copy !req
260. He'll bite you.Copy !req
261. He will bite you real bad.Copy !req
262. Get it, Gus.Copy !req
263. Thank you for visiting
Milsap Gator Park.Copy !req
264. Thank you.Copy !req
265. Thanks, Daddy.Copy !req
266. Hello, Cobb.Copy !req
267. Long time.Copy !req
268. I thought that was you.Copy !req
269. But the shades and the hat
made me thinkCopy !req
270. you didn't want
to be bothered.Copy !req
271. I know how you big-shot
celebrities can be.Copy !req
272. I'm not gonna beat
around the bush, Cobb.Copy !req
273. No more giving Lori
any trouble.Copy !req
274. Do you understand?Copy !req
275. Actually, I don't understand.
Trouble?Copy !req
276. Really cute.
Look, Lori's with me now.Copy !req
277. We don't give a damn
how you feel.Copy !req
278. Ooh-hoo, ooh, ooh.Copy !req
279. Oh, my, my, my, my.Copy !req
280. Why don't you ask
your girlfriend how many menCopy !req
281. she's been with
since our divorce?Copy !req
282. You know what?Copy !req
283. I wonder what Aimee-Leigh
would think,Copy !req
284. her best friend.Copy !req
285. You know what surprises me
about you, though?Copy !req
286. I just figured you loved
your dead wife more than that.Copy !req
287. I think I still owe you
a punch in the nose.Copy !req
288. Now, you back your ass off!Copy !req
289. Lori tell you what she
was doing in Pigeon Forge?Copy !req
290. Unfortunately, I found out
through some friendsCopy !req
291. who live out that way.Copy !req
292. Sick, nasty stuff.Copy !req
293. Take a peek.Copy !req
294. She's an escort,
turning tricks.Copy !req
295. You are just her latest
meal ticket, my friend.Copy !req
296. Watch that temper, Eli.Copy !req
297. If you ain't buying nothing,Copy !req
298. I'm gonna have
to excuse myself, OK?Copy !req
299. My next show starts real soon.Copy !req
300. I'm the star.Copy !req
301. Good reading.Copy !req
302. Yeah.Copy !req
303. Ugh!Copy !req
304. A fajita meat?Copy !req
305. What the fuck is happening?Copy !req
306. Damn it!Copy !req
307. You throw
that fajita meat at me?Copy !req
308. Hey, Dr. Watson,
I'm talking to you.Copy !req
309. Hey, you're gonna break
the powder.Copy !req
310. Bad monkey!Copy !req
311. Nasty Dr. Watson!Copy !req
312. God, Beej,
you're washing his asshole?Copy !req
313. Who's the service animal,
you or him?Copy !req
314. We both help each other.Copy !req
315. YouTube says to dab it
with a wet washcloth.Copy !req
316. Capuchins have a problem
with anal leakage.Copy !req
317. BJ...Copy !req
318. Being a caregiver,
that's not somethingCopy !req
319. that comes easy for me.Copy !req
320. I'm not a service animal,
but I have been here for you.Copy !req
321. And I just feel like—Copy !req
322. I don't know, I feel
like this damn monkey'sCopy !req
323. getting all the credit.Copy !req
324. Baby, it's not a competition.Copy !req
325. Tell that to this
little fuck face.Copy !req
326. He's trying to maddog me
right now.Copy !req
327. I see you eyeballing me, OK?Copy !req
328. Looking at me like
a jealous bitch with no tits.Copy !req
329. What has gotten into you?Copy !req
330. Just all of it, OK?Copy !req
331. You, the monkey,
my fucking daddy,Copy !req
332. dumb-ass Kelvin.Copy !req
333. Have you talked with Kelvin?Copy !req
334. No, I have not.Copy !req
335. Me and Jesse are, like,
totally over him right now.Copy !req
336. We're sick of him.Copy !req
337. He's bratting off like he
used to when he was little.Copy !req
338. Poor guy.Copy !req
339. Vance Simkins
is a self-righteous bigotCopy !req
340. and a homophobe.Copy !req
341. You should check on Kelvin.Copy !req
342. OK, I'm not interested,
so thanks a lot.Copy !req
343. Dr. Watson thinks
you should too.Copy !req
344. Well, then I'm especially
not going to.Copy !req
345. OK, Dr. Watson, I'm not doing
what you fucking say.Copy !req
346. I must tell you,
I was there.Copy !req
347. I was nervous...Copy !req
348. Like a long-tailed catCopy !req
349. in a room full
of rocking chairs.Copy !req
350. Jesse,
how's your brother doing?Copy !req
351. Huh.
How's your face doing?Copy !req
352. You want to keep it?Copy !req
353. Getting rid of KelvinCopy !req
354. gives me a clear path
to victoryCopy !req
355. for Top Christ Following Man.Copy !req
356. He's my only real competition.Copy !req
357. Plus, I love knowing
me hurting him also hurts you.Copy !req
358. It's honestly delicious.Copy !req
359. Well, that's
where you're wrong.Copy !req
360. I'm currently fighting
with my baby bro,Copy !req
361. so I no longer love him.Copy !req
362. So you embarrassing him,Copy !req
363. it actually helped me.Copy !req
364. Thanks.Copy !req
365. Well, you can tell
your baby broCopy !req
366. that I'm gonna ruthlessly
dismantle himCopy !req
367. at the final Top Christ
Following Man proceedings.Copy !req
368. That's if he even has
the nards to show.Copy !req
369. Mmm.Copy !req
370. Tasty.Copy !req
371. Gentlemen.Copy !req
372. So I know I talked
about a lot of stuff today.Copy !req
373. A lot of stuff.Copy !req
374. But it is like
my granddad says:Copy !req
375. best to make your sermons
about one thing.Copy !req
376. I don't know why
I didn't do that.Copy !req
377. To sum it all up,
love one another.Copy !req
378. Bible talks a lot about that.Copy !req
379. Let's do it.
That feels like a slam dunk.Copy !req
380. Let's do it.Copy !req
381. I'm good if you guys are good.Copy !req
382. You guys can keep hanging,
or you can go, but it's over.Copy !req
383. What the fuck?Copy !req
384. God bless.Copy !req
385. God bless you as well.Copy !req
386. Your speaking voice was more
clear than it has been before.Copy !req
387. And that is a good thing.Copy !req
388. Yeah, I thought
your sermon was, like,Copy !req
389. a little pedestrian,
kind of boring.Copy !req
390. Love one another?Copy !req
391. It's, like, almost, like,
one of the most basicCopy !req
392. kind of sermons you can give.Copy !req
393. But hey, that's
just coming from me,Copy !req
394. someone you don't see
as a mentor figure.Copy !req
395. So take what you will.Copy !req
396. Yeah.Copy !req
397. Baby, what's going on
with you and Pontius?Copy !req
398. Oh, I don't know.Copy !req
399. Maybe he's just unhappy,
I guess.Copy !req
400. I mean, he was
kicked out of school.Copy !req
401. He's living at home.Copy !req
402. Probably feels like a loser.Copy !req
403. Well, he is a loser.Copy !req
404. Jesse.Copy !req
405. I tried being nice
with him for a long time.Copy !req
406. Now it's like, I just—
I sort of keep my distance.Copy !req
407. Yeah, well, as much
as Pontius is an asshole...Copy !req
408. You guys are brothers,Copy !req
409. so you need to get along.Copy !req
410. And as firstborn,
it is your responsibilityCopy !req
411. to keep the peace so I don't
have to hear your mom bitch.Copy !req
412. And because it's not
very healthy to fightCopy !req
413. with your family.Copy !req
414. Guys, I try to make it work,
but, man, he's just a prick.Copy !req
415. He says the worst stuff to me,
the most awful things.Copy !req
416. Your brother knows you
well enough to knowCopy !req
417. what's gonna hurt you.Copy !req
418. Well, that's the thing that
sucks about having siblings.Copy !req
419. They know all your weaknesses
and can fuck youCopy !req
420. right in the asshole
with them.Copy !req
421. Look at all the venom that
Kelvin constantly spits at me.Copy !req
422. Kelvin's going through
a lot right now, baby.Copy !req
423. He doesn't mean anything
that he's saying to you.Copy !req
424. Sweetheart, lovums, this is
not about my shitty sibling.Copy !req
425. This is about Gideon's
shitty sibling, OK?Copy !req
426. Let's keep it focused.Copy !req
427. Oh, well, maybe you
could teach GideonCopy !req
428. how to be a good brother.Copy !req
429. You know, like maybe
a mentor figure would.Copy !req
430. Mm.Copy !req
431. I see what you did there, so...Copy !req
432. Kelvin?Copy !req
433. It's me.Copy !req
434. Kelvin?Copy !req
435. It's me, big bro-bro.Copy !req
436. What the hell
are you doing here?Copy !req
437. Me?
I'm merely shitting.Copy !req
438. You came all the way to
Kelvin's house to take a shit?Copy !req
439. Yeah, dude.Copy !req
440. I was driving near here,
and I started turtle-heading.Copy !req
441. - Mm-hmm.
- Pfft, what you want me to do?Copy !req
442. I'm not gonna go shit in the
woods like an animal, Jesse.Copy !req
443. What are you doing here?Copy !req
444. Came by to check in on him.Copy !req
445. OK, dude.
Real talk?Copy !req
446. Me too.Copy !req
447. I didn't have to shit
till I ate all his figs.Copy !req
448. I can't stop thinking about
how scared he looked on TV.Copy !req
449. Just clammed the fuck up.Copy !req
450. Couldn't even do that little
annoying eye-roll thingCopy !req
451. he does.Copy !req
452. I know he can be
a smart-alecky little bitch—Copy !req
453. Little fuck face of a boy.Copy !req
454. Totally, but...Copy !req
455. Kelvin's one of us, man.Copy !req
456. Mm.Copy !req
457. Pshoo.Copy !req
458. You thinking what I'm thinking?Copy !req
459. Mm, that I
could be gay too?Copy !req
460. No, I was thinking that maybe
we should help Kelvin.Copy !req
461. Ah, Jesus!Copy !req
462. My word, family visitors.Copy !req
463. Where's our brother?Copy !req
464. Let me show you.Copy !req
465. Kelvin lives here now.Copy !req
466. Kelvin.Copy !req
467. I've tried for days.Copy !req
468. There's no way to get up there.Copy !req
469. Hang on, homey.
You tried for days?Copy !req
470. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
471. I failed him.Copy !req
472. I promised I wouldn't
let anything bad happen,Copy !req
473. and it did.Copy !req
474. I trained my body
for physical defenses.Copy !req
475. But I neglected
to learn anythingCopy !req
476. about roundtable discussions,Copy !req
477. the most dangerous threat
of them all.Copy !req
478. Is there really
no way up there?Copy !req
479. Uh-uh. No.Copy !req
480. I think I might know a way.Copy !req
481. Here.
Turn that off, will you?Copy !req
482. Yeah.Copy !req
483. What do you want, Gideon?Copy !req
484. What's up, fellas?Copy !req
485. Hey, how's it going?Copy !req
486. 'Sup? 'Sup?Copy !req
487. Well, I came to ask
if you guys would likeCopy !req
488. to join my prayer group.Copy !req
489. Boy, we sure could use
some young blood.Copy !req
490. Fuck off, Gideon.Copy !req
491. Well, hey,
have you consideredCopy !req
492. you may have it wrong?Copy !req
493. Maybe there's cool parts
about church—Copy !req
494. many cool parts
that you just don't see.Copy !req
495. I'll tell you what.Copy !req
496. If you guys join me
for one Sunday,Copy !req
497. just one, OK,
I bet for factCopy !req
498. you'll want to be back
the next Sunday too.Copy !req
499. You're being cheugy, bro.Copy !req
500. Go back to Sunday school
and start suckingCopy !req
501. Daddy's dick some more.Copy !req
502. Kick rocks, kid.Copy !req
503. - Daddy's boy.
- Hey, Gideon.Copy !req
504. Oh, we're in trouble.Copy !req
505. Oh, oh.Copy !req
506. If I had to make
this sermon about one thing,Copy !req
507. I guess it'd be
that looks can be deceiving.Copy !req
508. Skateboard.Copy !req
509. Don't embarrass yourself.Copy !req
510. Pontius.Copy !req
511. Skateboard.Copy !req
512. What the fuck
you gonna do with that?Copy !req
513. "What you gonna do with"--Copy !req
514. - Whoa!
- He touched you, bro.Copy !req
515. This is where he eats shit.Copy !req
516. No way.Copy !req
517. - Oh!
- Hell yeah, man!Copy !req
518. Whoa!Copy !req
519. God has a whole lot more
to offer than meets the eye.Copy !req
520. Come by Sundays at 10:00.Copy !req
521. That's what's up.Copy !req
522. Fucking sick.Copy !req
523. - Thanks, Ash.
- Of course, man.Copy !req
524. Ding-dong, bitch!Copy !req
525. You gonna invite us in?Copy !req
526. Motherfucker thinks
he can hide from us.Copy !req
527. Whoo-hoo!
Whoa, shit!Copy !req
528. Fuck!
Stop it!Copy !req
529. - Aw, shit! I got the—
- Come down!Copy !req
530. Fuck.Copy !req
531. Take your sweet time.Copy !req
532. Kelvin, what the fuck
are you doing up here?Copy !req
533. Hiding away in my tower,Copy !req
534. safe from all the evils
of the cruel world.Copy !req
535. You were right, Jesse.Copy !req
536. I am a token,
nomination just to check a box.Copy !req
537. So, what,
you're just gonna quit,Copy !req
538. let Simkins win?Copy !req
539. I'm a failure, Jesse.Copy !req
540. How am I supposed
to go face the otherCopy !req
541. Top Christ Following Men?Copy !req
542. How am I even supposed
to go back to Prism?Copy !req
543. I'm not a brave, strong leader.Copy !req
544. I'm a—I'm a coward.Copy !req
545. Yes, Kelvin,
you are a coward.Copy !req
546. - Bitch!
- Let me tell you something.Copy !req
547. You're a mean coward.Copy !req
548. Next time they come
for you, dude, clap back.Copy !req
549. You are so witty, man.Copy !req
550. And you are
extremely good at rips.Copy !req
551. That is so true.Copy !req
552. You can rip
with the best of them.Copy !req
553. That's why you got
to pick yourself up,Copy !req
554. dust yourself off, and get
your ass back in the game.Copy !req
555. You want to prove yourself?Copy !req
556. You shove it right back
in Vance Simkins' face.Copy !req
557. You really think I deserve
to be Top Christ Following Man?Copy !req
558. I can go toe to toe with him?Copy !req
559. We know you can.Copy !req
560. You have to, regardless of
whether you deserve it or not.Copy !req
561. Yeah, but you think
I deserve to, right?Copy !req
562. Regardless,
you have to win this year.Copy !req
563. We just put in
that door, Keefe.Copy !req
564. Darling,
why ain't you eating?Copy !req
565. I talked to Cobb.Copy !req
566. What did he have to say?Copy !req
567. I'm sure all kinds
of stuff about me.Copy !req
568. He did, some things
I wanted to ask myself.Copy !req
569. Mm.Copy !req
570. Most obviously
about the escort serviceCopy !req
571. in Pigeon Forge.Copy !req
572. Oh, fucking Cobb.Copy !req
573. He showed me the ad.Copy !req
574. Hm, yeah, Pigeon Forge
is really bigCopy !req
575. on the 65-year-old hookers.Copy !req
576. They just cannot get enough.Copy !req
577. Eli, he faked those ads
to try to smear meCopy !req
578. or embarrass me or, I—Copy !req
579. who knows?Copy !req
580. But hey, worked
on the last guy too.Copy !req
581. So you really think
I would do that?Copy !req
582. Look, I know
you got money problems.Copy !req
583. I ran a credit check.Copy !req
584. I guess you really
are something.Copy !req
585. Well, are you not broke?Copy !req
586. You did declare bankruptcy
last year.Copy !req
587. Have I ever asked you
for one cent?Copy !req
588. You know, Aimee-Leigh
used to tell meCopy !req
589. how much
money mattered to you,Copy !req
590. and I thought
she was exaggerating.Copy !req
591. You're crossing a line.Copy !req
592. I think you
crossed it first,Copy !req
593. literally calling me a whore.Copy !req
594. Maybe I wanted something
so bad,Copy !req
595. I couldn't see straight.Copy !req
596. Yeah, well,
that's funny, becauseCopy !req
597. I am having the exact same
goddamn realization.Copy !req
598. There you go.Copy !req
599. Just a—Copy !req
600. After I win,
I'll throw you a wink.Copy !req
601. So apparently, we are down
a man, Kelvin Gemstone.Copy !req
602. He's probably in a pink robe,
hiding in his mansion.Copy !req
603. Not so fast.Copy !req
604. How could I miss
the big reveal of the TCFM?Copy !req
605. They might call my name.Copy !req
606. Oh, they are definitely
gonna call his name.Copy !req
607. Not a chance.Copy !req
608. This honor recognizes
the ideal Christian man.Copy !req
609. Is Little Brother Gemstone
even a man at all?Copy !req
610. Vance, how 'bout I slap
the skin off your fucking face?Copy !req
611. Jesse, it's OK.Copy !req
612. I can answer the question.Copy !req
613. Vance, I'm man enough to
already have my makeup appliedCopy !req
614. so I can jockey
for center position onstage.Copy !req
615. - You just need a hug.
- Get out of here!Copy !req
616. Good evening,Copy !req
617. and welcome to the final nightCopy !req
618. of the
Top Christ Following Man,Copy !req
619. where the winner will be
crowned and named our top man.Copy !req
620. This is the Night of Testimony!Copy !req
621. Testimony is crucial
to defining a pastor.Copy !req
622. What brought them to Christ?Copy !req
623. A testament to who these
top Christian men truly are.Copy !req
624. And these men tonight
will be voted uponCopy !req
625. by a panel
of international judgesCopy !req
626. and by you at home.Copy !req
627. Just call or text
the above numberCopy !req
628. to place your vote
for your favorite.Copy !req
629. Fees will be applied.Copy !req
630. At that moment,
in that bathtubCopy !req
631. with alcohol and Valium
filling my veins...Copy !req
632. And I pulled myselfCopy !req
633. from the twisted wreckage
of that van.Copy !req
634. Everyone else inside:
dead on impact...Copy !req
635. Both my parents died
in that plane crash.Copy !req
636. And the moment it happened,
the Lord came to me and said,Copy !req
637. Vance, you and your siblings,
led by you,Copy !req
638. will build an empire
that honors me.Copy !req
639. 'Me' is Jesus.Copy !req
640. But not one scratch, scrape,
or drop of blood on me.Copy !req
641. And we did it as a family...Copy !req
642. I knew right then
and there my path was set.Copy !req
643. A multiracial family,
no less...Copy !req
644. That's when I knew...Copy !req
645. I was to be His servant.Copy !req
646. Multiracial.Copy !req
647. God bless to you all.Copy !req
648. God bless to your families.Copy !req
649. I have been blessed by God.Copy !req
650. God had chosen me...Copy !req
651. May God bless you.Copy !req
652. To be
the Top Christ Following Man.Copy !req
653. And God bless to the Top
Christ Following Man families.Copy !req
654. Thank you.Copy !req
655. A fascinating
and touching testimony.Copy !req
656. It is all about family.Copy !req
657. And now on to our next
Top Christ Following Man.Copy !req
658. Kelvin Gemstone,
it's time to testify.Copy !req
659. Truth.Copy !req
660. You see, that's actually what
I want to talk about tonight.Copy !req
661. See, I was the youngest member
of my family to becomeCopy !req
662. a preacher—at age 12.Copy !req
663. They said I was special,
but I just felt different.Copy !req
664. I spent my whole life
trying not to be.Copy !req
665. Until I realized...Copy !req
666. God sees the real me.Copy !req
667. In fact, he made the real me.Copy !req
668. And if the real me
is good enough for God,Copy !req
669. then it's good enough
for everyone.Copy !req
670. - Amen.
- Amen.Copy !req
671. Different is awesome,Copy !req
672. the proof of God's work, the—Copy !req
673. the range of his talents.Copy !req
674. So I came here tonight
not to grovel for accoladesCopy !req
675. but to tell the truth about
who I am and what I'm about.Copy !req
676. My name is Kelvin Gemstone.Copy !req
677. And I'm a—a different
kind of man.Copy !req
678. A beautiful man.Copy !req
679. A gay Top Christ Following Man.Copy !req
680. And if that's not good enough
for this award,Copy !req
681. then I don't need it.Copy !req
682. Uh—Copy !req
683. He's walking off.Copy !req
684. Yeah, he's just going, dude.Copy !req
685. He's walking off.Copy !req
686. Phone lines are still open.Copy !req
687. Shit, Kelvin, you just walked
right the fuck offstage.Copy !req
688. Huge brass balls
to do thatCopy !req
689. but not really
part of the plan.Copy !req
690. Now Chuckle Fuck's
definitely gonna win.Copy !req
691. It doesn't matter, Jesse.Copy !req
692. It's a pointless award,
like you said.Copy !req
693. Well, yeah, that was
when I didn't get nominated.Copy !req
694. But you're this close, man.Copy !req
695. Hey, Mr. Gemstone.Copy !req
696. Yes?Copy !req
697. No, sorry,
the other Mr. Gemstone.Copy !req
698. Mr. Kelvin, if you could,
we need you back inside.Copy !req
699. I think you...Copy !req
700. Won.Copy !req
701. Oh, my—Copy !req
702. And this year's
Top Christ Following Man is...Copy !req
703. Kelvin Gemstone!Copy !req