The Righteous Gemstones 4x3

1. Oh, it was a dream.

2. Sorry, Keefe. - No, I'm sorry.

3. It seems your nocturnal terrors and night sweats

4. have gotten a bit worse.

5. Nonsense.

6. These are your night sweats coming off on me.

7. I wish it was that, but I'm dry, brother.

8. Who cares who's night-sweating, Keefe?

9. - Mm, yeah. - It's just a bad dream...

10. Most likely because of the storm.

11. I hate storms.

12. I have ever since I was a little boy.

13. It's like the Devil's peeing on you.

14. Yes.

15. Yes, I can picture it.

16. Satan with his red-hot weenus,

17. pissing a foul-smelling stream all over us.

18. The hue is lava orange.

19. The urine is more hot than regular human urine.

20. The concrete beneath it steams as it pours all over the land.

21. At first, it's gross, but...

22. it's the Devil's piss, so it can play tricks on us...

23. make people think that it's actually delicious.

24. So the people start drinking it up, all of it,

25. thinking that it's a tasty wine cooler

26. or a new slightly bitter kombucha,

27. not realizing that it's Satan's TT.

28. All the while, the Devil sits back, and he laughs.

29. He laughs...

30. watching the humans lick up all this evil rain piss.

31. Can you see it?

32. Your hot sorcery piss can't hurt us in here.

33. Begone, Devil.

34. We have to stop. We're being loud.

35. Shh.

36. There, now no one can hear us.

37. We got to get back.

38. They're gonna be suspicious. We're missing supper.

39. Oh.

40. I'd rather have me a sweet treat.

41. Mm. Mmm.

42. Oh, you're so bad.

43. Go on. You go first. Hurry up.

44. Hmm.

45. So bad.

46. It is so good to be hanging with Gemstones again.

47. Corey talks about y'all a lot.

48. That's because we've had some pretty rockin' times.

49. Yeah.

50. I hope the, uh, Mario Brothers over there

51. save some food for the rest of us.

52. Jesse and BJ looking like mustache twins.

53. Y'all plan this?

54. Why don't you shut the fuck up, Kelvin?

55. Ain't nobody no damn mustache twin.

56. I had my mustache well before BJ had his.

57. Please, dude. BJ grew his.

58. It looks super macho. And you copied.

59. I think we kind of grew them around the same time.

60. No, I don't think so, BJ.

61. I had my mustache first, and, like, a week later,

62. you had a not-as-cool one. - Sensitive.

63. What the hell are we doing

64. talking about goddamn facial hair for?

65. Just drop it. Enough about the mustaches.

66. Didn't I tell you they're fun?

67. - Oh, they're so fun. - Too good, man.

68. I love it. I love the life.

69. Oh, man.

70. Hey, y'all remember when your daddy got us

71. those Michael Jackson outfits?

72. - Oh, yeah. - We remember. It's awesome.

73. I like the thought of y'all as mini Michael Jacksons,

74. doing moonwalks.

75. I begged my daddy for that getup.

76. He couldn't get it.

77. Eli, somehow he pulled it off.

78. Yeah, I ordered them special

79. from the same guy that did MJ's.

80. Yeah, 20 grand each, all with gold cords and everything.

81. Daddy did not fuck around, did you, Daddy?

82. - There he goes. - Daddy—he moonwalked.

83. The Gemstones always did it big.

84. Some of us are still doing it big.

85. Guess who's about to be announced

86. as one of the nominees

87. for Top Christ Following Man of the Year.

88. - Uh-uh. - Moi!

89. - Oh, that's nice. - Bullshit.

90. They're nominating you

91. for Top Christ Following Man of the Year?

92. Mm-hmm.

93. They snub me every single year.

94. They've only nominated Daddy twice.

95. That's quite the honor. Congratulations, Kelvin.

96. Thanks, Daddy.

97. I got snubbed, too. Fuckers.

98. It's actually called Top Christ Following Man, Judy.

99. It's for my bravery in starting Prism,

100. for centering individuals who are usually othered by society.

101. I don't even know what the fuck that means.

102. Big deal.

103. Bigger deal than your Prayer Pods.

104. - Oh. - You shut up about that.

105. What are Prayer Pods?

106. Prayer Pods are Jesse's dumb-ass invention

107. that the church blew a butt ton of money on.

108. Everybody's returning them now.

109. It fucking sucks. It's like, what a waste.

110. It's a big waste.

111. It was not a fuck-up, all right?

112. We were targeted for our beliefs.

113. We were chased out of every single airport

114. and mall in the country. - Mm-hmm.

115. You know, some people want to make fun

116. and act like people's ideas aren't good.

117. Meanwhile, there's a goddamn war going on

118. against Christianity in this country, all right?

119. The death of Prayer Pods is the proof.

120. Uh, wrong, Jesse.

121. The death of Prayer Pods, dude, is because people

122. were jacking off in them.

123. They were not praying.

124. Homeboy over here even stocked them full of lotion.

125. Ew.

126. Yeah, you know, on gay Reddit,

127. they refer to them as squirt yurts.

128. Oh!

129. For your information, I only put the lotion in there

130. to make sure that your hands didn't get dried out

131. by the sanitizer.

132. Are you all taking a walk down goddamn memory lane

133. without me?

134. You spend so much time in the bathroom,

135. you're gonna miss out, Mama.

136. We were talking about a business venture

137. that Jesse spearheaded that didn't—it didn't go so good

138. and a big prize that Kelvin is being honored with.

139. Show some humility for once, okay?

140. Don't be blowing kisses at me, you little bitch.

141. Fuck off.

142. - You guys are too funny, man. - Yeah.

143. The way y'all rip on each other.

144. It must be fun having siblings. - Yeah.

145. - Try to do it with Jana. - Mm-hmm.

146. She don't get it.

147. Your dress is fucking dumb, Jana.

148. - Oh, wow. - Oh!

149. Well, no, that's just mean.

150. That's not funny.

151. No, I'm just ripping, like siblings do.

152. But I'm your wife.

153. Don't be mean.

154. - Yeah, don't be mean. - I'm not.

155. I'm just ripping. - He ain't being mean.

156. He's ripping. Rip Van Winkle. Rip, rip,

157. - Let me rip on Mr. Eli. - Okay, okay.

158. - Yeah, yeah, do it, Corey. - Should I?

159. - Yes, yes. - Do it. Do Eli.

160. Let it go on Daddy. Do it.

161. Yeah, rip.

162. Eli, looks like you got a little hickey on your neck.

163. - Oh. - Right by the collar.

164. Oh.

165. Bullshit.

166. That's—that's—that's— that's not—not a hickey.

167. It's a mosquito bite.

168. Corey, that was a pretty sneaky little rip right there.

169. It works because Daddy is such a nerd who gets no action.

170. Yeah.

171. Definitely not cool enough to have a hickey.

172. Good. - Daddy's rizzless.

173. Yeah, he can't get within, like, 12 miles of no pussy.

174. Right, Daddy?

175. - He seems pretty cool to me. - He's very cool.

176. - He's not. - He isn't.

177. Hey. Wait a minute.

178. Are those two acting weird, or is it just me?

179. "Weird"? Weird how?

180. I mean, I did notice they were taking pisses

181. at the same exact time,

182. but I just kind of wrote that off

183. to just typical old-people shit.

184. Are they fucking each other?

185. - What? - What?

186. Okay. - Corey.

187. Well, my mom is trying to make

188. herself look good all the time now,

189. putting on makeup and perfumes and stuff.

190. Ugh, that's so gross.

191. Just like picture sweet Miss Lori,

192. you know, like, nude in her bathroom,

193. like, splashing on some CK1

194. so she can get railed by Eli's big old floppy daddy dick.

195. Oh, God.

196. Your mama was our mama's best friend, okay?

197. So don't even think those thoughts.

198. Those are nasty thoughts.

199. Corey still thinking Daddy's fucking.

200. Silly bird, Corey.

201. Okay.

202. Daddy ain't fucking. That's so stupid.

203. Stupid like you thinking

204. you're gonna get the Top Christ Following Man nomination.

205. Ooh! Ooh!

206. - Ha ha! Yes! - Ooh, he's butthurt.

207. Did you see Jesse's face when I told him

208. about the Top Christ Following Man nomination?

209. The light just left his eyes.

210. - You bested him, for sure. - Mm-hmm.

211. Could you imagine if I actually won

212. Top Christ Following Man of the Year?

213. I can picture it now.

214. All the other nominees have exited this mortal world,

215. and it is just you, one singular solo onstage,

216. the true Top Christ Following Man of the Year.

217. What the heck is that?

218. Well, it's just me imagining your victory.

219. - No. - Heads up!

220. - That. - Okay, okay!

221. That storm took out a whole side.

222. It doesn't look safe. We're gonna demo it.

223. Demolish?

224. As in destroy? As in cease to exist?

225. Uh-uh.

226. No, Groundskeeper Aaron, this is my childhood tree house.

227. Oh, look at you, knowing big words like "demo."

228. I know words.

229. Annihilate, obliterate, devastate.

230. Synonyms.

231. And you can't do any of those things

232. to my childhood playscape, all right?

233. I forbid it.

234. Sure.

235. Okay, you're the boss.

236. Hey, boys, don't bust it.

237. He's keeping it.

238. Hell, yeah.

239. I know you think my daddy is your mentor figure,

240. but I think it's time you give your old man a shot, okay?

241. Mentoring begins right now.

242. Greetings, salutations, Martin, leadership team.

243. How are you? - We are fine, Jesse.

244. Now, you see how I kicked that off with some niceties?

245. I also kind of throw in a joke sometimes

246. just to keep the spirit light, like this.

247. Fuck me up, leadership team.

248. What sort of bad news you gonna sling at me today?

249. Vance Simkins opened up another church

250. right next to one of ours.

251. Chad, I'm trying to do lessons here, man.

252. You sitting here spitting bad news for real?

253. Oh, I-I thought you were asking.

254. Well, I am asking, but I'm just—

255. Another fucking church.

256. Another mini-mall church encroachment.

257. God damn it!

258. Fuck!

259. Shit!

260. Mini mall!

261. Fuck!

262. Pause right there.

263. Now, that is not Chad's fault,

264. so I cannot get angry with Chad.

265. That is called killing the messenger.

266. If I'm going to cuss because what he said upsets me,

267. it is important I do not cuss at him.

268. I can cuss around him, cuss in the air above his head,

269. by the sides of his ears.

270. That is totally fine.

271. Fuck you.

272. Are you writing any of this down?

273. I feel like I'm following just orally.

274. Okay, I mean, this is a lot of very valuable stuff

275. I'm teaching you here, but, yeah, sure, just wing it.

276. Now, I know that Matthew

277. and Chad and Levi and Gregory,

278. they would probably suggest visiting

279. a little violence upon him.

280. Not a good idea.

281. - Exactly. - Oh, come on.

282. That is not how we handle things

283. now that we are elder statesmen.

284. We are respectable members of society.

285. - We are? - Right.

286. Yes, Matthew. Of course we are.

287. Martin, what's the play?

288. How you think we pop this off this time?

289. You could visit these churches,

290. shore up the congregation,

291. give them attention so they aren't poached.

292. That's it.

293. A reasonable solution for reasonable men.

294. You're seriously not writing any of this down?

295. No.

296. Should we write stuff down, too?

297. Yeah, Levi I would love for you

298. to fill your pockets with rocks and write all of this

299. on the bottom of the ocean.

300. Don't you worry about those idiots, okay?

301. All you need to do is go out there

302. and bring home the gold.

303. You got this.

304. Eye of the tiger, dick of a horse,

305. take no prisoners, show no remorse.

306. Go, BJ!

307. Look how strong my husband is—we're married.

308. That's my man right there.

309. My darling.

310. BJ, it's your wife, Judy.

311. Somebody call a fucking ambulance!

312. - Judy. - Finally.

313. Oh, I'm so sorry.

314. - Oh, my God. - It'll be all right.

315. Miss Lori came, too. That's so sweet.

316. How'd you even know?

317. How did I know what?

318. Like, to come here to see about BJ.

319. I was—I was just at...

320. I was in my car.

321. Yeah, just a sexless older lady.

322. Okay.

323. And then your papa happened to give me

324. a-a ring on the phone.

325. That's so weird because I could have sworn

326. I saw the two of you show up together.

327. - What? - That's right.

328. No, we did, because, uh...

329. I was no longer able to drive an automobile.

330. And Mr. Gemstone—

331. None of this—none of this is very important right now.

332. Yeah, I know, Daddy. Thank you.

333. That's what I'm thinking,

334. 'cause I'm, like, in a code-red crisis over here,

335. and it's like, everybody's just talking about transpo.

336. No offense, Miss Lori. I don't want to hurt you.

337. Dudes, shut up.

338. BJ's gonna be A-okay.

339. Yeah, I think the thing you got to get your head around

340. is a lot of time when people do surgeries,

341. they got to shave ya.

342. So probably gonna have to pop that mustache off him,

343. you know?

344. Make sure his face doesn't get any weird infections

345. or gonorrheas.

346. You motherfucker, Jesse.

347. BJ's in there fighting for his damn life,

348. and you're out here trying to gank his style for your own.

349. Ain't nobody trying to gank nobody's style.

350. I'm trying to cheer you up.

351. I'm saying, worst-case scenario, you know,

352. he loses his mustache.

353. It's probably the best thing for anybody, anyway.

354. You are trying to drink his facial fashions.

355. Trying to fucking guzzle him.

356. Stop trying to act like fucking BJ

357. trademarked fucking mustaches.

358. News flash—he didn't. - You damn bitch.

359. You damn bitch.

360. Here's the doctors.

361. I'm so sorry.

362. I was so close.

363. I misjudged my spin speed.

364. Just relax, okay?

365. You don't need to do pole math right now.

366. Don't cry. I'll be okay.

367. I'm sorry, but I don't know.

368. BJ, the nurses are—

369. they're saying stuff about wheelchairs,

370. and one of them even was talking about stair lifts,

371. like Mrs. Deagle has in "Gremlins."

372. What are we gonna do, Beej?

373. Jesse, did you hear?

374. Vance was nominated

375. for Top Christ Following Man of the Year.

376. Big whoop.

377. Well, it is a big whoop, Jesse.

378. I thought I'd at least be going up against you.

379. But I guess your homosexual brother

380. is the Gemstone with the juice these days.

381. Well, I look forward to wiping my ass with him.

382. Gross, man. I'm trying to eat.

383. Apparently quails aren't the only thing

384. dropping out of the sky.

385. I hear a Gemstone took a fall.

386. Your brother-in-law— he hurt himself pretty bad.

387. Word on the street is he was stripping.

388. He was doing male competitive pole dancing,

389. for your information.

390. How many homosexuals does that make in your family now?

391. Two.

392. The same number of dead parents in your family, Vance.

393. Boom.

394. Conquered again.

395. You haven't conquered me.

396. You're actually losing in our rivalry...

397. Due to your poor character.

398. Pssh. Get real.

399. I ain't losing our rivalry.

400. You're losing. I'm doing the winning.

401. Oh, really?

402. Well, that's interesting.

403. I guess that's why I opened up six churches

404. in your backyard.

405. That's because you're playing games, boy.

406. Opening up mini-mall churches in towns

407. we've already established— you better knock it off.

408. Afraid of a little competition, Jesse?

409. Pssh.

410. Just because there's a McDonald's in town

411. don't mean there ain't room for a Burger King.

412. You know what?

413. Go ahead. Open up those churches.

414. Waste your money.

415. I'll shut those suckers down,

416. turn them into giant bathrooms

417. where people that go to my church can go in to make poops.

418. Bathrooms are what you've turned your churches into,

419. with that filth your brother's been preaching.

420. It's what your church is becoming known for.

421. Does that bother you? - No.

422. Absolutely not...

423. because that is not what my church is known for.

424. My church is known for the stuff that I do as well.

425. Keep telling yourself that, Jesse.

426. Oh, my.

427. Oh, it's getting very serious in here, isn't it?

428. You think I'm intimidated by the circling of the men?

429. - You should be. - Well, I'm not.

430. I can circle the men, too.

431. Oh, my.

432. It's not a big deal.

433. Okay, any fly-aways? How are my teeth?

434. Show is live in 5, 4, 3...

435. - All right. - All right.

436. Hello, brothers and sisters.

437. It's your old friend in Christ Jacob Jones.

438. And tonight we announce the nominees

439. for the Top Christ Following Man of the Year.

440. Whoo!

441. We've picked five ministers from around the world

442. who represent the best of the best.

443. That's a pretty big deal.

444. Through a series of events,

445. they shall compete against one another

446. to determine who is the one true Top Christ Following Man.

447. Okay, okay.

448. They're about to announce your boy.

449. Bring the energy.

450. Church in Reno, Nevada,

451. a man dedicated to—

452. - Oh, that's not you. - This is not me.

453. This is not me.

454. - Put your hands together for Reggie Daniels.

455. - I'm your Top Christ Following Man.

456. Blessings be to God.

457. Paid extras. Paid extras.

458. Don't—don't applaud.

459. From Rogers, South Carolina...

460. I'm next, okay? A lot of energy.

461. But act like I didn't tell you.

462. And impressive man...

463. Kelvin Gemstone.

464. Wow.

465. Thank you. Oh, my God.

466. I'll come up with something else.

467. I got a shitload of different great ideas

468. for money inventions, like—

469. I have, like, so many other ideas that will be successful,

470. I bet.

471. Oh, Jesse, just because your brother is doing big things

472. shouldn't make you feel bad.

473. It feels like I just finally got out

474. from underneath my damn daddy's shadow,

475. and now my younger brother decides he wants to start

476. casting fucking shadows.

477. Got a family full of damn shadow casters.

478. What are you looking at?

479. What the fuck are you looking at?

480. I'll wipe that fucking smirk right off your face, white boy.

481. They're over there trying to laugh at you

482. because you're in a wheelchair.

483. I won't fucking have it.

484. You know what I'm saying? I'll fuck them up.

485. We're just gonna get you up out of this.

486. Okay, good, Beej.

487. That's good, BJ. This is so easy.

488. This is gonna be a cinch for us.

489. Smelled like cat piss.

490. Damn it to hell.

491. - That's okay, Beej. - I'm sorry.

492. - No, don't worry, dude. - Thank you, Keefe.

493. No one's judging you for spilling.

494. Can everyone just talk and eat like every Sunday, please?

495. I don't want pity.

496. Shut the fuck up, Hot Wheels. You said treat you like normal.

497. - Yes. - Master of rips.

498. - Rip, rip! - Fuck y'all!

499. BJ's in a wheelchair. I don't know if you noticed.

500. - It's kind of hard to miss. - Stop being monsters, then.

501. No one's acting like monsters.

502. We're sitting here having conversations.

503. You are acting like monsters, Jesse.

504. Okay, well, I won't have conversations, okay?

505. Since you're the boss of conversations.

506. Okay, seriously. What's up?

507. I keep seeing looks.

508. "Looks"?

509. - What looks? - Eli and my mama.

510. They're doing looks. - They're doing looks?

511. Daddy, Miss Lori, if y'all are laughing

512. 'cause BJ is in a wheelchair at the table

513. instead of a regular chair, I'm gonna flip my shit.

514. - That is funny. - No, it's not.

515. Oh, what's up? We standing up doing speeches now?

516. All right, I have struggled telling y'all this.

517. There never seemed to be a good time.

518. There's certainly more important things going on,

519. but, uh...

520. it's silly to keep hiding this.

521. Miss Lori and I have been spending time together.

522. Duh, Daddy.

523. We're all spending time together—it's lunch.

524. No, Kelvin, honey, I think what your daddy meant to say—

525. You're fucking him, aren't you?

526. Wait, is that what's going on?

527. Do you have confirmation of that, Daddy?

528. That's not what's going on.

529. There's no confirmation on that.

530. Say it, Daddy. Say the real thing.

531. It's true.

532. - I lost my appetite. - Oh.

533. No offense, Gemstones.

534. I blame this on my mama.

535. Can't stop falling in love all the time.

536. You are way out of line, buddy.

537. Am I?

538. Let's go, Jana.

539. Okay.

540. Bye, Gemstones. Bye.

541. That's Mama's best friend, Daddy.

542. Really?

543. I can't believe you would do this to me, Daddy,

544. with the fucking state my husband's in.

545. He's an invalid, in case you didn't notice.

546. Did you guys do stuff?

547. - That's none of your business. - Oh, my God.

548. This is like horror-movie shit, dude.

549. I thought you were my mama's ride-or-die.

550. I was, Judy.

551. And she was mine, too.

552. - It's okay, sweetheart. - I don't—

553. There, there, sweet prince.

554. Are they crying?

555. Of course they are.

556. Daddy, you slut!

557. Baby, it's okay to be upset.

558. - I'm not upset. - Okay.

559. They're the ones that are crying, not me.

560. Jesse, you're fucking crying, too.

561. I am not.

562. Oh, God.

563. Let me guess.

564. He's fucking her!

565. He's fucking her! He's fucking—

566. Come out of there!

567. You can't hide in the freezer at Jason's Steak House.

568. Come out!

569. Come out of there!

570. What the hell's the matter with y'all?

571. What the hell's the matter with you, dirty old Daddy?

572. Mama is flipping in her grave!

573. What do you want from me?

574. Am I supposed to stay all alone?

575. Am I supposed to stay sad?

576. Am I supposed to live the rest of my life in mourning?

577. Yes!

578. Is it so hard?

579. If I could have...

580. anything in this world,

581. I'd have your mama back alive with me.

582. Oh, God, I'd...

583. give anything for that.

584. But...

585. I can never have that again.

586. I can never have that again, and it just—

587. I've been— I've been so lonely.

588. I wish you could understand.

589. Please try to understand.

590. I'm, uh, sorry that I called you a slut, Daddy.

591. We didn't mean to upset you, Daddy.

592. It was just "heat of the moment" stuff, Daddy.

593. We got a lot going on.

594. We're all so powerless.

595. Anything can happen.

596. I won't let anything happen to you.

597. The Lord can make bad things happen to anyone, Keefe.

598. He killed my mama, and she was His greatest follower.

599. Back in the day, when Jesse and Judy were mean to me,

600. I'd come up here and know that no one could get me.

601. This place made me feel safe.

602. Business is open. Come on in.

603. Thank you! Thank you!

604. Commitment— we commit to Him and His ways.

605. And in doing so, that will be what takes us

606. into the Kingdom of Heaven,

607. reunited with everybody we ever loved,

608. everybody we ever lost,

609. to live for eternity surrounded by love.

610. Now, we want to deliver you there.

611. We are committed to doing just that.

612. All we ask in return

613. is that you commit to us, commit to this church.

614. Amen!

615. Now, don't be led astray by some new church

616. that wants to set up shop,

617. presenting itself like it's some new little treat.

618. Beware of the wannabe...

619. trying to make you think they got your best interest

620. at heart.

621. Be warned.

622. Gemstone Ministries—

623. that is a name that you can trust.

624. That is a name that you know will fulfill

625. all of your spiritual needs.

626. There ain't nothing you're gonna get out there

627. that's gonna match what you're getting right here, right now.

628. We are good, honest people...

629. Out here doing the Lord's work.

630. And when you join us, when you worship with us...

631. You become a part of our family.

632. And family, my friends, is forever.

633. And no matter what, we never turn our back on family.

634. That is our Gemstone commitment

635. to you.