The Righteous Gemstones 3x9

1. - Look who it is. - This motherfucker.

2. Children, do I got a doozy for you.

3. Baby Billy what are you gonna hit us up for now, man?

4. Lionel need gold baby teeth or some shit?

5. Let me guess. This time want a harem

6. full of professional rub-and-tuggists from Thailand?

7. Y'all just dirty.

8. What? You want to ask permission

9. to sell tickets for people to dig up Momma's grave and do pee on her?

10. That ain't right.

11. All three of you are about to look like dickheads with the news I got.

12. Well what you got, Uncle Baby Billy?

13. I'm friends with Dusty Daniels. The Slick Bandit himself.

14. I partied with his ass over Monaco after my second bankruptcy.

15. It's gonna get us all. Y2K!

16. Six, five, four... Three, two, one!

17. New year's eve 1999

18. But Y2K shit didn't happen. So we partied our dicks off that night.

19. Me, and Dusty Daniels, and Gene Hackman lost our fucking minds man.

20. The actor, Gene Hackman?

21. It was either him or some unfortunate fella who looked just like him.

22. Gene! It's Gene fucking Hackman!

23. We went hard. Everybody talking about the end of the world.

24. Felt like God was giving us a second shot.

25. Get it, Gene. Get it, Gene.

26. So we took some shots. Whole bunch of 'em.

27. We found an after party. We hung a bit.

28. Wait hold up. Did you fuck Dusty Daniels?

29. I doubt it. But you never know.

30. Y2K. We threw caution to the wind, boy.

31. So y'all for sure touched dicks.

32. We might've touched dicks. That ain't the important part of the story.

33. I put a good word for you with Dusty.

34. Now he's getting bored with the Simkins crew.

35. Said they whine too much about the dead parents.

36. I think that door might still be opened for you now.

37. Okay, I'll bite. What do we have to do to get him back?

38. Well, you know how old Dusty likes himself a competition.

39. So it seemed like the best bet would be for y'all all

40. to prove your worth by going head to head with the Simkins family

41. on the premier episode of Baby Billy's Bible Bonkers.

42. - Oh, God! - Winner gets Dusty. Imagine that.

43. Two famous Christian families just dukin' it out for Dusty!

44. Come on. Again with this Bible Bonkers bullshit. Give it up.

45. You want Dusty back? Green light my fucking show.

46. Woowee sucker.

47. Jesus.

48. So what we coming here for?

49. I got to use their coin-counting machine.

50. Or maybe, putting her 30 bucks right there.

51. Thirty bucks won't even get us half a tank of gas.

52. Well that's a half tank more than we got right now, smart guy.

53. All we got to do it get the Gemstones. You need to learn the value of a dollar.

54. - Have fun. - Come on.

55. Let's go do the Coinstar together.

56. Maybe get you a candy bar depending on how much we got left.

57. But but you do the coins. I don't need a candy bar. I'll stand watch.

58. All right.

59. I appreciate you, Chuck. You're a good boy,

60. standing up with your Pa while rest of the world turned their backs.

61. You're all I've got left.

62. I love you buddy.

63. I love you too, Pa.

64. What? $12.38? Uh, dammit.

65. Chuck!

66. Chuck!

67. Authorities are still searching for this person of interest.

68. Peter Montgomery, 64, had rented the truck with the bomb.

69. It's still unknown whether he escaped or died in the blast.

70. We will continue to follow this story as it develops.

71. How come they haven't said nothing about Chuck, Momma?

72. Why do you think? Because there ain't nothing left of him.

73. - Don't say that. - Let's stay positive.

74. Chuck. Poor, poor Chuck.

75. Daddy...

76. Remember how we were talking about how we were doing Bonkers?

77. We need to get two more members to round out our team.

78. We were hoping to get some ringers.

79. We were thinking maybe you be one of our team members,

80. maybe Big Karl or Aunt May-May.

81. - What the hell is he talking about? - Maybe out of respect for Chuck...

82. No that's the thing, though, Amber is we were gonna ask Chuck

83. cause he's a Bible nerd. But is like obviously now...

84. So now we have settle for Karl or May-May. Still good choices.

85. - That's enough. - Hey y'all, let's do it for Chuck.

86. If he's dead like the news is really, really making it seem like he is,

87. he would want us to win Dusty back.

88. He would.

89. - Oh my God, my son! - Mama!

90. We could do an in memorandums in the title card in the credits for him.

91. - In memoriams. - It's in-memoriam.

92. - The memoriam? Memoriams? - Daddy, that would be sick.

93. To Chuck.

94. How many times have you heard me give that speech?

95. Something about this time even some Hebrews came up to me.

96. Oh, looky-here.

97. Boys, we're doing chuckles.

98. Simkins, I really hope you've enjoyed yourself with the Slick Bandit.

99. We'll see where old Dusty lands after my family whips your ass on Bible Bonkers.

100. Better hush that cussing, Jesse, less you want another white slap.

101. Don't you know who you're up against, Jesse?

102. Vance here knows the entire New Testament by heart.

103. His Biblical knowledge runs deep.

104. Well, my family's biblical knowledge runs deep too.

105. Your family doesn't stand a chance, Jesse.

106. We're going to humiliate you on Bible Bonkers. On your own network.

107. Let all your followers see how far the mighty Gemstone empire has fallen.

108. They're all going to leave you. Even God will forsake you.

109. Son of a bitch.

110. No acts of violence will be tolerated in the chambers.

111. A black slap will be administrated so.

112. - What the hell is a black slap? - You get naked for that one.

113. I dare you. Get the black slap.

114. Boys, save it for the quiz show.

115. Fine. The quiz show it shall be saved for.

116. Can't wait.

117. Jesse. Jesse.

118. - You keep on truckin. - Don't you tell me how to walk.

119. I truck everywhere I walk. This'll be your face at the quiz show.

120. Oh yeah? How about this?

121. How's that?

122. Don't get dizzy on your way out.

123. They took my son away from me and what now?

124. What am I supposed to do now?

125. Lord Jesus.

126. I am in my darkest hour.

127. I am but a lost sheep in the need of a shepherd.

128. Please give me a sign, Lord Jesus. Please!

129. Oh shoot.

130. I will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day,

131. nor the pestilence that stalks the darkness,

132. nor the plague that destroys at midday.

133. Dear Lord, you are our fortress and our refuge. Amen.

134. Amen.

135. Crying won't do no good, son. Stay strong.

136. The Lord's will shall be done.

137. - Hello, Momma. Karl. - Chuck?

138. Chuck? Chuck, you're alive!

139. Thank you, God!

140. Oh, my God! Oh Chuckie!

141. - The Lord has delivered him back to us. - Actually, I hitchhiked here.

142. That explosion was meant for y'all Gemstones.

143. Chuck saved you.

144. I made sure there was no people nearby when I set it off.

145. I needed to break away.

146. I started to realize it right after you left, Karl.

147. Why were you like super mean to us the whole time we were held captive?

148. I didn't want y'all to die or get hurt. I just wanted Pa to get that money

149. and thought y'all can afford it.

150. I'm sorry, cousins. Uncle.

151. I know it ain't no excuse. But I am sorry.

152. I have to admit. You keeping us from blowing up in an explosion

153. is a pretty good way to make it up to us. Very thoughtful.

154. Creative, too.

155. I for one do not accept this betrayer's words.

156. if you'll excuse me I have a quiz show program to make preparations for.

157. Hey cuz!

158. Jesse!

159. I don't expect you to forgive me or be cool cousins with me anymore.

160. I know I done you wrong.

161. I wanted to know what it'd be like to have my Daddy again.

162. See what he could teach me.

163. - Wasn't what I expected. - Homie is a damn militia leader.

164. I don't know what sort of daddy and son lessons you hoped to snag from that?

165. That's easy for you to say. You got your Daddy around and he helps you all.

166. Barely. Sure, he gave us the houses, and fancy stuff, and the church.

167. - But that's fucking all. - That other stuff is a lot.

168. I'd trade every bid of it to act like he was proud of me every now and again.

169. Instead of looking at me like he's half-ass embarrassed.

170. An old man looking at you like that your whole life,

171. I'd say that's worst than havin' no daddy at all.

172. I guess we got that in common. Both look to our Daddies for guidance.

173. But we're growing up. It's up to us now.

174. Yeah, it is. Look, I'll tell you what.

175. If you promise to not betray my family or participate sort of kidnapping plots

176. against me or people that are important to me, and I will forgive you.

177. Just know if you go back on your promise that I will then kill you.

178. And that will be fair an will be nothing you can say anything about it.

179. - How would you kill me? - I don't know. Maybe shoot you.

180. I could stab you, cut you up,

181. chop your little body into pices maybe radiation poisoning. Anything I desire.

182. You won't see it coming. But you will be dead.

183. It don't matter. I'll never betray you again.

184. - Or do kidnappings? - Or do kidnappings.

185. Cool cousins again?

186. Cool cousins.

187. Gemstones and Montgomerys, oil and vinegar, fire and ice,

188. but not today dear Lord.

189. Tonight we thank you for joining us here together as one.

190. One family to defeat another family, to win the riches of yet another man.

191. A race car man. Please dear heavenly father

192. give us the strength, courage, and dexterity to defeat the Simkins.

193. Let us be victorious today, united as one.

194. Amen.

195. I'm really feeling like we maybe can pull this off.

196. Me too. Thanks for joining the squad, cuzzes.

197. We know you all are huge Bible nerds.

198. - So fuck yes. - We are. We know our stuff.

199. Knock knock.

200. - Came to say hi before the show? - I've come to say thank you.

201. Having my own game show has always been a dream of mine.

202. And you all made it come true.

203. You've always dreamt of being a game show host?

204. You're goddamn right, Jesse.

205. And I know you all see me as a mentor figure.

206. It's no wonder as y'all are basically orphens.

207. I mean your momma is dead and Daddy is out to lunch but who stepped up? Me.

208. I had to step up. I had to guide you and counsel you.

209. And hold you. Well I feel like I'm your daddy.

210. You didn't do any of those things you just said.

211. - I've done all of it. I'm your Daddy. - You're not my daddy.

212. - I am your daddy! - You ain't my daddy, boy.

213. - I am your daddy. - Not our daddy.

214. - Hush! I said I'm your daddy. - You ain't my daddy.

215. Listen to me. I know you got a lot riding on this game tonight.

216. So, to show you my appreciation and to let you know how much I love you,

217. I'm gonna get distracted and leave this deck of cards

218. with the answers to tonight's questions your dressing room now.

219. I'm distracted. I'm not paying attention. Did I leave something here?

220. I'll be your old man.

221. - Good luck. Judy. - Okay.

222. What the fuck is going on right now?

223. Yeah. I'll be on style.

224. I'm proud of you. Now, go cheat.

225. Seems dishonest to me.

226. You know, Chuck. With those, there's no way in hell we would lose to that.

227. You know I ain't above cheating. Use our family's wealth to purchase a win.

228. Or hire some fellas to go on their dressing room

229. and beat the fuck out of them so they're incapacitated at the tournament tonight.

230. Okay. Let's do that.

231. But that would not be the behavior of a righteous man.

232. Tonight, we beat these motherfuchers fair and square.

233. Tonight, we're fucking earning this one.

234. Goddamn it.

235. I am so proud of you, Jesse.

236. That being said, we are definitely gonna lose now.

237. You know what? This is gonna take too long.

238. Goddamn.

239. There. No one look at the card 'cause they've got my cock cooties on them.

240. - Now let's go win. - Amen!

241. - Let's win! - Come on! Let's go!

242. I never thought I'd see the day

243. when our grown children were together on a quiz show.

244. Yeah, it is kind of crazy.

245. Oh my God. Is that who I think it is?

246. Damn, it's Peter. That is him.

247. Follow him. Discretely.

248. - Amen. - Go Bonkers.

249. - Who did Jesus bring back to life? - Lazarus!

250. What is the color of death's great horse?

251. Pale!

252. - Who put all the animals on the boat? - Noah!

253. Let's go.

254. Bible Bonkers. Buzz it in in the name of the Lord.

255. Bible Bonkers, where Jesus has the highest score.

256. From Abraham and Sarah to Adam and Eve, a little burning bush to an olive tree.

257. Let's go Bible Bonkers. God's favorite game.

258. Bible Bonkers. Bible Bonkers.

259. God's favorite game!

260. Welcome to the very first episode of a soon-to-be

261. Christian Cultural Phenomenon, Baby Billy's Bible Bonkers!

262. I'm so blessed to have you here from all over the world and that's a big ask

263. considering the price of gasoline these days.

264. Everything's expensive now, even wood!

265. If Noah was alive today, he couldn't have build the arc out of wood.

266. He'd have to build him a dingy.

267. Let's bring out our first contestants. Bonker Boys, bring out The Gemstones.

268. Yes! Come on, baby!

269. All right. And now, let's bring out their opponents.

270. The Simkins family!

271. All right. Let's have the team captains.

272. Please come up here to the buzzer podium.

273. There's a lot on the line tonight. So, let's hit it. First question.

274. How long was Lazarus dead for when Jesus brought him back to life?

275. - Four days. - Four days, that is correct.

276. That's a point, Simkins. Next one, next person, come up!

277. Let's go Gemstones.

278. Judy, you got this!

279. Give me some sugar now.

280. It is fine! He's my uncle!

281. Next question. What is the shortest bible verse?

282. - John 11:35! Jesus Wept! - You're done.

283. All right. Another point for the Simkins!

284. - Don't worry. I got this. - Next one. We don't have to.

285. - All right. - Here we go.

286. Kelvin Gemstone! Finish the scripture.

287. James 1:5 "If any of lack wisdom, let him..."

288. - Ask of God! - God. I knew it.

289. That is correct.

290. - Nicodemus. - Correct.

291. - In an ark of bulrushes. - Correct! Another point for the Simkins!

292. Where is he going?

293. - He's going to the church. - What?

294. Peter, what the hell are you doing?

295. Stop! Don't come any closer.

296. It's my new bomb.

297. Young and eager. Don't you try this!

298. I Bluetooth connected the bomb to my FitBit.

299. Acts as a dead man's switch.

300. My heartbeat stops, Mr. FitBit tells Mr. Bomb to explode.

301. So don't try anything!

302. What is with you and bombs now? You're a damn fool, Peter!

303. I got nothing left! Don't you know?

304. We lost him, May-May. We lost our boy.

305. He's the only thing I had in this world and now he's gone!

306. Chuck ain't dead, you idiot. He's in the studio you're trying to blow up.

307. Chuck set the bomb off. He did it to get away from you.

308. Wait.

309. The Gemstone family lost that first round,

310. which means the Team Captain is sent to the hurricane booth!

311. - What the hell is a hurricane booth? - You're about to find out.

312. - Bonker Boys, take him away. - No.

313. Get him out.

314. Hit him over, going to the hurricane booth.

315. This is the Bonkers part of the Program.

316. Now, every single time the Gemstones get one wrong,

317. we're gonna blast Jesse in the hurricane booth.

318. So you turned Chuck against me too? It's your fault any of this happened.

319. It'a always been your fault.

320. You don't gotta do this. You know it's not what Christ would want.

321. Come to think of it. Nowadays, I don't even know what Christ wants.

322. But I do know he always seems to have the Gemstones' backs.

323. There's one thing I keep telling myself to make me feel better.

324. The Lord builds them up so when they fall,

325. they'll fall harder than any of this righteous...

326. What is that?

327. A bug just knocked its ass on your mouth.

328. Look!

329. Now, from the book of Leviticus.

330. Everyone, get inside!

331. Fuck!

332. Son of bitches!

333. Baby Billy!

334. Chuck! Karl!

335. - I got you, Dusty! Let's go! - Okay.

336. - Jesse, where are you? Jesse! - Amber! Amber!

337. Go, go! I got 'em! I got 'em!

338. Jesse, where is Eli?

339. I don't know! Come on!

340. My boys!

341. May-May! May-May!

342. Come on, get in! Get in here! Let's go.

343. Get in here.

344. - BJ! - Judy! Dang it! No!

345. - Don't you let go of me! - Never!

346. I got you. I got you, Keefe!

347. - Jesse! - Come on, get in there!

348. No! Jesse, where are you going!

349. I gotta find my daddy!

350. - What did he say? - He went to find some titty!

351. Daddy!

352. We're gonna have to do some reshoots.

353. Dus, you okay? I've been so worried about you.

354. But Dusty, come on now.

355. I was looking all over for you. Where were you?

356. Come here.

357. What?

358. That was God.

359. That was God talking to us, just as sure as I'm talking to you.

360. - That's God's hand, Peter. - I know. It was.

361. - Chuck didn't die in that explosion. - He sees that, Karl.

362. And I'm glad. I thought I had got you killed.

363. Me getting out of prison was the worst thing that could happen to this family.

364. I shouldn't never come home and brought all this misery upon y'all.

365. No. The worst thing that happened to this family

366. is when you got locked up. I blamed everyone else, even Eli.

367. The truth is, this happened because we have our own problems.

368. I mean, you were just trying to make our lives better, more comfortable.

369. And I never supported you. I'm really sorry for that, Peter.

370. I don't think I've ever heard you say you're sorry before, Momma.

371. - Because she's never said it before. - Well, I'm saying it now.

372. I love you guys. I love you guys.

373. God moves in mysterious ways.

374. You know, I feel like I got my family.

375. The deadman's switch.

376. - The bomb is set to explode! - What? Did he say a bomb?

377. It'll vaporize this whole place. There's only one thing I can do

378. and that's drive it out of here!

379. But Pa, you'll blow up!

380. - Peter, no! - Daddy, no!

381. - To tomorrow's fires! - No!

382. Daddy, no!

383. Papa, no!

384. No!

385. We are here today to say goodbye to a wonderful man, a true legend.

386. NASCAR'S own Dusty Daniels. People knew him as the Slick Bandit.

387. He lived big drove fast, and spoke from the he hart.

388. Our family was lucky enough to get close to him

389. before he passed away peacefully in his sleep,

390. he entrusted his estate to us, and we couldn't be happier

391. to put his money to good use in his name.

392. He will be missed, but not forgotten.

393. So together, we say "Woowee, sucker"

394. one last time for the fastest man on four wheels.

395. Woowee, sucker.

396. How do you fix your life when everything goes up in smokes?

397. Good question.

398. It's one that I ask myself every single day because marriage isn't easy.

399. By using the system, my wife and I are now doing better than ever.

400. Trust me, I did not think the System would be any good at all.

401. Getting handed this box the system, we were so mad.

402. We wanted to kill.

403. We thought, "What is this scam, why is it $500,

404. why is Amber at our house giving it to us?"

405. Like everything about this is shady.

406. But then we tried it, and it helped everything.

407. Our friendship, our love, our laughter.

408. - Thank you so much, The System. - See what The System can do for you.

409. I really was off about you.

410. I used to dread if I had to go somewhere and I knew you were gonna be there.

411. Like, "Oh man, fuck me, now I'm gonna have to make conversation

412. with the dumb mean bitch my brother's married to."

413. Because you don't feel that way anymore?

414. I mean, I'm not trying to be best friends or nothing.

415. I'm doing compliments. This is a cool moment for you.

416. I'll never forget it.

417. Here we are again. Parked outside of another shop of sin.

418. God's work is never done.

419. Should we wait for the other Smut Busters to get here,

420. or just do like a test run and you?

421. Yeah. Let them know we are watching.

422. Judging their lifestyle what they do their spare time.

423. Yeah. Judge what people do in their bedrooms behind closed doors.

424. Yeah. Yeah.

425. Or, we could just let this one go.

426. - Let it go? - Yeah.

427. Like, maybe there are other ways to serve the Lord.

428. Maybe this is the kind situation where you live and let live.

429. - Live and let live, you say? - Yeah.

430. It was just an expression I made up on the spot right there.

431. Popped to my head like magic.

432. I look like an asshole.

433. Your journey to becoming a man worthy of the Gemstone name begins today.

434. There was a time in every kid's life

435. who's moving out of his parents' house, strike out to the world on your own.

436. Push yourself to achieve things you never thought possible.

437. You didn't do that. You literally live on the same property as Grandad.

438. There was a time where I would have slapped the taste out of your mouth

439. for saying that to me. But not anymore.

440. Because you're right. I didn't earn it, it was given to me.

441. I wonder who I would have been if I wouldn't had to work for it.

442. If I had to fight tooth and nail to survive.

443. I'd like to think I could have done it.

444. But I'll never know. I don't want that for you.

445. I'm fine with that being how it goes for me. Seriously, Dad.

446. You're gonna earn it. And you're gonna be a better man than me when it's done.

447. - It's my gift to you. - A gift?

448. You're making me go to a fucking military school!

449. I'm making sure you learn how to fly, my son. Come here.

450. I love you.

451. They're gonna eat his fuckin' ass alive.

452. Now that you're all healed,

453. I take it you'll be leaving me looking for a new driver.

454. Well, Grandad, if I stayed and didn't leave.

455. You can drive for me as long as you want.

456. But don't let it keep you from follow up your calling.

457. Well, Grandad, that's the thing.

458. If I wanted to learn to do what you do, would you teach me?

459. You wanna preach?

460. Yeah, I think I might.

461. Got one. Ease on.

462. - There it is. - Come on, keep 'em.

463. My turn, fuckers!

464. Yeah!

465. Let's fucking go!

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