The Righteous Gemstones 3x6

1. Morning.

2. Want me to top off your coffee? About to brew some.

3. Them Columbian beans make me panic shit,

4. but I will brew 'em if that's what you're drinking.

5. I'm fine. I've had my fill.

6. Beej, I've been doing everything I can to get us back to normal.

7. I've been doing jokearounds, watching food documentaries like you like.

8. I don't know what else I can do.

9. I think at this point, it's up to me to decide what to do next.

10. Like leave? BJ, it will never happen again.

11. You know it won't. I regret this more than anything in my whole life.

12. I swallowed a lot. But this?

13. This might be something I can't choke down.

14. Now, if you'll excuse me. To clear my head, I need to blade.

15. Wanted to take a moment before we leave to let you know

16. how much we appreciate all you done for us.

17. And you guys did such a good job straightening us out,

18. we're ready to go tackle life all by ourselves.

19. They're reformed, they're ready to fuck. We fixed 'em.

20. I think it happened when we dressed them up, gave 'em haircuts.

21. - Cryin' 'cause we leavin', Judy? - No, dummy.

22. I'm crying about very sad shit going on in my own life.

23. She is crying 'cause of us. Women don't have control over their emotions.

24. I'm not even gonna correct you because how y'all are now is so much better

25. than when y'all were being boogaloo bois just a little while ago.

26. They can't go, Eli! It ain't safe!

27. What about Peter? There's no telling what he might do.

28. We want no part of anything he has to offer. So, we'll be fine, Uncle.

29. - How are you boys plannin' on going? - Can you still give us a ride, Cuz?

30. That's right, I did say I'd give you a ride, didn't I?

31. Well then here ya go.

32. Seeing as how we're cool cousins again,

33. I thought it only fair that I give you all my monster truck.

34. Now she ain't street legal, so stay in your lane.

35. Oh, baby, don't be sad. You'll see them real soon.

36. No, it's not that. I instantly regret giving it to 'em.

37. My monster truck was far too giant a gesture.

38. You know her. You love her.

39. But did you know today, she becomes our Assistant Youth Pastor?

40. Let's give a woo-woo to Taryn, y'all!

41. What happened to Keefe?

42. I think you know what happened to Keefe, Maxwell.

43. Don't even know why you're asking that.

44. - Keefe got canned. - Is that funny?

45. Keefe didn't get canned. He is leaving us to pursue other opportunities.

46. So, not even sure why I keep bring that up.

47. My name is Taryn, and I look forward to sharin' all my love with y'all!

48. And it's my birthday!

49. Let's go!

50. My client is asking for a settlement of $500,000

51. for damages and emotional distress.

52. - And if we don't pay? - Then we don't keep it confidential.

53. I tell the whole church that this adulterous whore fucked my husband.

54. You wish, honey. We barely got to second base.

55. You need to get your facts straight. Stephen, tell her we didn't fuck.

56. - Judith! Zip the lips! - Don't silence me!

57. Whatever happened, it's probably twice as bad

58. as what you and failure of a man admit to.

59. Hush, Stephen. Don't you start, too. Just sit there quiet like a little dog.

60. Look at you. Ice cold baby.

61. An even shittier bitch than Stephen said you are.

62. Judy, shush your mouth! We will, of course, have to discuss this.

63. - I'm sure you understand. - We expect your response promptly.

64. Tick-tock.

65. Let's go.

66. - Judy. - I'm just gonna walk them out.

67. I'll fucking kill you in your sleep! Cut your fucking head off and scalp you!

68. Can't you show a fucking ounce of restraint for once in your life.

69. Lick my dick, Jesse. Just pay the heifer and be done with it.

70. Our best course of action is to play nice. Not only will we have to pay them,

71. I suggest you also make a personal apology.

72. - Thanks, Martin, but no thank you. - You're doing it.

73. You're gonna hold your nose, you're gonna kiss that bitch's smelly ass

74. for the good of the church. You're taking the I.

75. That's a nah son from me. No I.

76. - Kiss that smelly B, Judy. - No!

77. - Take the I. - We can pay them.

78. But I'm not doing an apology on them.

79. We're going to overpower you with repetition.

80. Take the L. Take the I.

81. Okay. I'll take the fucking L!

82. I commissioned a fella out of Brussels.

83. He's also done a DMX and Fred Astaire dancing with a vacuum cleaner.

84. With Judy pulling her bullshit, now is the time

85. to show Daddy who's putting in that real work.

86. Fuck Judy and her troubles. If she don't get her ass in line,

87. we'll make a hologram out of her, too, now.

88. Come on, let's go look at it from the nosebleeds.

89. Only thing I'm worried about is daddy can get real cagey

90. when it comes to people trying to make money off of Momma.

91. I see him shutting this thing down because he thinks it's disrespectful.

92. She's my sister. She's your Momma. He don't own her. We own her, too.

93. I'm giving you a walking talking Aimee-Leigh.

94. And you got people leaving this church. This is the answer.

95. This thing costs a shit ton of money. You ain't really giving me anything.

96. How about I throw in my mentorship in for free?

97. - I don't need no mentor. - Everybody needs a mentor.

98. Especially you. You more than anybody I know.

99. - Yes, you are. And I'mma be yours. - No, you're not.

100. Yes, I am. And you can calm the fuck down.

101. That's my first piece of mentor advice to you.

102. Now look here, 'cause I'm helping you out,

103. you're gonna help me out too. You gonna pick up my quiz show at Bible Bonkers.

104. This is starting to feel like a fuckin' shakedown.

105. If you changed your mind, I'll just unplug your Momma

106. and I'll sell her to one of them sex shows over in Bangkok.

107. Them boys will hack her program real quick,

108. make your Momma do all kinds of nasty stuff.

109. You dirty dog.

110. Come on, Jesse. Now let's just do a demo for the family and your Daddy.

111. He ain't gonna be able to say no once he sees his wife singing again.

112. Look here.

113. Hey, there! Keefe!

114. Keefe?

115. Brother Kelvin. What are you doing here?

116. Just checkin' in on my man. They got you workin' like a mule, son.

117. Brooks is a master carpenter. A true artisan.

118. He's taught me a lot in the ways of hard woods.

119. I'm so impressed. Master carpenter.

120. He makes stuff from sticks. Cool.

121. - Jesus was a carpenter, too. - I'm well aware, Keefe.

122. But Jesus did way more than just that.

123. If his whole thing was about being a carpenter, no one would care.

124. It's the miracles and stuff that are notable, not the carpentry.

125. So, have you found happiness? You doing good here?

126. I have. I am.

127. That's so great to hear. You know, 'cause I was worried

128. that you might regress without my guidance, but no.

129. It looks like you got it all figured out here and don't need my help at all.

130. - How's everything with you, brother? - I'm slayin'.

131. Taryn just took over as Assistant Youth Pastor. She's a total star.

132. Everybody loves her. Having so much fun.

133. Seamless transition. No one misses you at all.

134. I hate to be curt, but I really gotta get back to work.

135. - I would not wanna keep you. - Good.

136. What am I lookin' at here?

137. Retired Daddy sitting on a bucket with a fishing pole.

138. That's hilarious. It's giving me life, dude. I love it.

139. I'm struggling to find what I like doing besides running a church.

140. All this work so much and never got any hobbies. I'm just a bore.

141. You ain't a bore, Daddy. Come on.

142. Daddy, I need to tell you something.

143. Oh, God!

144. I had a no sex affair with the guitar player from my touring band,

145. and his wife found out

146. and now she wants a bunch of money in order to not tell people.

147. - What the fuck, Judy? - Daddy, I know. I know. I know, okay?

148. - What does BJ think? - It's not good, Daddy.

149. Come on. Can we just pay her?

150. Nothing like this is ever gonna happen again. I promise that.

151. I learned from this experience. I learned a lot from it.

152. Honest to God, Daddy. Please.

153. I don't wanna talk about this. I just wanna fish. Please.

154. Can you fucking kids just please figure out your lives?

155. I'm not good at this. Your Momma was. Not me.

156. You're on your own. You pay her.

157. With my own money?

158. So now you're not even gonna talk to me?

159. You're just gonna look out at your fuckin' fishing pole?

160. I'm talking to you!

161. Bye, Daddy, I'm leaving.

162. Yup, not even gonna say goodbye.

163. I hate you!

164. What the hell?

165. Where did you boys get this? Did you steal it?

166. Yes, sir. We stole it right out from one of their stuck up noses.

167. They stole it straight from the devil!

168. Who knows what the Gemstone Salvation Center can do for you?

169. Janice, and Tall Jay have enrollment packages over there.

170. Go over there, please. Just go. Don't look at me.

171. Come on.

172. - Is he crying over there? - Yeah. He's fucking leakin'.

173. I'd cry too. He's a cuckold. His wife cheated on him of all people!

174. BJ, for what it's worth, I think it's pretty fucked up what Judy did to you.

175. It's not right. She can be a pretty selfish person sometimes. I'm sorry.

176. - I appreciate it, Jesse. - You confront the guy?

177. Maybe. I just don't think I can move through life

178. knowing that a guy named Stephen did this to me.

179. You want my advice? You wanna restore the power?

180. You fight this motherfucker. You knock his dick in the dirt.

181. You show him who's the man.

182. All right, show us your punch. Sock that fucking bag for me.

183. Shit. I think I broke my wrist.

184. I think that motherfucker was limp to begin with.

185. All right, come on, I want you to pop this bag. Don't stop with the bag.

186. Punch through the bag. Aim for that wall there right behind it.

187. One solid punch could make your job real easy. Right on the button.

188. You knock him in his fuckin jaw, turn them lights out. Rock-a-bye, baby.

189. Wouldn't that be great? KO'ed in one punch?

190. Just come in and go. Good afternoon, Stephen.

191. You thought my wife liked you? She likes me, bro.

192. She was mistaken when she thought she liked you.

193. I need you to put your fucking anger into this.

194. Tell the bag what's up. Don't be sayin'

195. "She was mistaken when she thought she liked you,"

196. pop this motherfucker!

197. You piece of shit! I'm not a piece of shit. You are!

198. Just thought you could dry-ride my wife? You freakin animal. Just trying to cum.

199. Stay focused. Don't talk about cum. Tell me who the fuck you are.

200. I'm Ben Barnes. Benjamin Jason.

201. - You go off, queen. - Fuck around.

202. - I'm Benjamin Jason! - There you go!

203. I'm there for my wife emotionally, spiritually, and frickin sexually!

204. I get rock hard whenever she needs it.

205. You think you're some hot body homewrecker?

206. I'll wreck your fucking face!

207. Don't tell them he's hot. Don't give them compliments.

208. But everything else besides that was working great.

209. I like the wordplay stuff you did relating homework to wrecking his face.

210. That was clever.

211. As church leader, I shouldn't be involved in this Judy inspired bullshit.

212. But if you are gonna face him, I suggest you take these.

213. Knucks. Stylish. Stealthy. Effective.

214. Slide them on. Slide them off.

215. You want that fight to be over quick. You hit it with these little fuckers.

216. - A weapon? - Yeah.

217. And once you've knocked him out, you're standing above him?

218. Finish him off with a goddamn one liner.

219. Something dope, like, "How you like me now?"

220. Yeah. Yeah.

221. - How you like me now? - No, BJ. "How you like me now?"

222. You wanna let him know, and then you spit on him.

223. That's how you win the game of mens.

224. So open his mouth and spit in his mouth?

225. Just on him. Just a general disrespect of spitting.

226. Yeah!

227. Judy?

228. Oh, s'up. I was just reading a mag here in the service center

229. and it's definitely not following you.

230. But since you wanna be all nosy and say my name and shit,

231. can I holler at you for a second?

232. About what? The absolute mess that you have made?

233. I hate to say it, but I told you so.

234. Bitch, I know. Okay? My shit sucks right now.

235. I'm going out of my fucking mind, I feel gross.

236. I wish I could crawl out of my own skin.

237. Seems like everybody is talking about me, and I can deal with that.

238. It's just BJ, you know?

239. What if he don't wanna work this out with me?

240. Judy, why don't you join my women's prayer group?

241. There's a lot of women in the group who've had very similar issues.

242. Cuckolded their husbands?

243. Who are they? Tell me their names.

244. Why don't you just come see for yourself?

245. When Chad cheated on me it took everything I had to forgive him.

246. No offense, but I already know what you had to do when Chad fucked that whore.

247. Judy, we do not need details or words like that in this conversation.

248. How else are you gonna say it? When Chad fucked the skin merchant,

249. what did he do to make it better with y'all?

250. He showed genuine sorrow and remorse.

251. For what he did. I knew the whole experience had completely broken him.

252. I remember the time period he wore basketball shorts constantly.

253. It was disgusting.

254. It wasn't good, Judy. I lost respect for him.

255. And we've been working on that. We're still working on that to this day.

256. Let me just make sure I got this straight.

257. The cheater has to eat massive, big ole piles of shit for however long

258. until the hurt person decides they're forgiven?

259. Just on an arbitrary whim they decide that.

260. - That's the gist of this, basically? - Basically, yes.

261. - Oh, my God. - That was very well said.

262. Thank you, honey. This fuckin' sucks.

263. Now, Kelvin! Let's see you flip your world up!

264. Go, Kelvin! Let's see you flying! Go!

265. Hey, I was really digging your gymnastics skills. You're really good.

266. Thanks. I was just working some stuff out up there.

267. I mean, you're pretty good, too.

268. I think tumbling is a great way to introduce the kids to exercise.

269. It's like tricking a kid to eat their greens by putting cheese on broccoli.

270. - Oh, my God! - What? That's crazy!

271. Brother Kelvin. Knock-knock!

272. I'm sorry. I thought you'd be alone.

273. Hey, Keefe. Keefe Belief.

274. Man. What a surprise.

275. I mean, get in here, my dude. Show me some love.

276. I made you a chair. I did not make one for Taryn. She doesn't get one.

277. That's cool. What is that? Is that made of wood?

278. Yes, it's wood and then I've cured it with heat. That's your name.

279. Very cool. We were just...

280. We were just talking the best way to get the kids involved in physical fitness.

281. Taryn, a beast on the tramp. You should check out her somersault game.

282. I thought somersaults was our thing, brother.

283. - Somersaults are for everyone, Keefe. - I get it. Taryn is exactly me now.

284. - No, I'm my own person. - No? You're exactly me.

285. By Kelvin's side, planning physical acts, talking about the children.

286. A replicant.

287. Taryn, would you give us a moment?

288. Keefe, why are you being weird right now?

289. Is it weird? Or have you and Taryn had physical connections with one another?

290. I barely know her. All we do is talk about tumbling and children, we laugh.

291. Like we used to.

292. Keefe, you left me. You ditched me.

293. If you would have said yes to Immigrant Outreach,

294. then we could still be dude-bros. What was I supposed to do?

295. Just sit around, be lonely? Wait for you to deliver some stupid rocking chair?

296. My loyalties are no longer needed here, I see.

297. I will not disrupt with you and Taryn are building together.

298. - Sounds a little bit creepy. - Creepy? My mama?

299. No, not saying she's creepy. Just like the idea of bringing her back.

300. - What does Eli think? - What's the matter what he says?

301. It's not his call. It's my call. I'm the one who runs the church.

302. If I want my mama to appear in spectral form in front of the congregation,

303. that's my choice.

304. - Why are you being a negative ninny? - I'm not being in a negative ninny.

305. Why can't you get my back? I would expect that from you.

306. I always have your back, no matter what dumb little stuff it is.

307. - Like this system nonsense. - Hey!

308. You're spending all your time guiding fucking wild women and strangers,

309. meanwhile, your husband is trying to run a fucking mega church with no help.

310. - No one is helping me at all! - I'm sorry that you feel that way.

311. But I am proud of what I have accomplished.

312. It makes me feel good to contribute. To have something that's mine.

313. My own thing.

314. Newsflash, Amber, your thing doesn't matter.

315. My thing does. You're out there trying to play pretend therapist.

316. Fuckin' farting in jars for people. And I'm sitting here

317. trying to figure out how to exploit my dead mama so people like us again.

318. I think I'll take my wine upstairs.

319. I am very sorry for the harm that I caused your marriage and family.

320. I just hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

321. I hope this hurts.

322. Dang, Martin. I'm feeling vibes like

323. I'm the teenage girl going to the abortion clinic in secret

324. with her male best friend from theatre department.

325. How come it's just you here and not my brothers?

326. I thought it might be best if you did this alone. Easier as well.

327. I'm just shocked they didn't demand to be here.

328. - Shove my face in humble pie a bit. - I told them it was on Tuesday.

329. Thanks, Martin.

330. It's all right. It's all right.

331. Even after all of this. Still can't let go.

332. Kristy and kids are away. One last time?

333. Cumming.

334. Could we get this show on the road, Jesse? People have lives.

335. Look we ain't doing shit until Daddy gets here.

336. This is primarily for his benefit anyway.

337. There he is! Speak of the devil and the devil appears.

338. Don't be sayin' Daddy's the devil now.

339. Come on, Daddy-boy, Aunt May-May, take a seat right here in the front.

340. - So, Daddy-boy. - He ain't sayin' nothing to you, Judy.

341. I'm just saying hi!

342. What I'm gonna show you tonight is gonna blow your fucking brains out.

343. - Remember, miracles are real. - They're real now.

344. Go on, give me some space, this is my moment. Go on.

345. It is no mystery that the road we have been traveling on has been bumpy.

346. But I have a solution. No seeing as I'm the only minister who's doing a thing.

347. Fuck you.

348. I feel that I need some backup.

349. I need somebody that never let us down, who always will know the right to say.

350. Without further ado, Uncle Baby Billy, begin the presentation.

351. You bet I will, I'mma begin the presentation.

352. - But first... - No but firsts.

353. But first, my favorite nephew, Jesse Gemstone,

354. has ordered Baby Billy's Bible Bonkers straight to series!

355. It's a go. Quiz show fun for the whole family.

356. - Stop saying more stuff. - Coming this fall.

357. - Baby Billy, go sit down. - It's a million-dollar idea.

358. Begin. Watch, everyone. Pay attention. Shut the fuck up.

359. Hey y'all! Boy, I've missed worshipping with you!

360. I'm so glad we get to do that today.

361. It's been a while, what's new with you? Have you been talking to Jesus?

362. How about we pray to him right now?

363. Dear heavenly father, we thank you for bringing us all here together.

364. We are humbled by your glory, yes we are.

365. Your love gives us strength and fills us with joy. Continue to use us.

366. - You made momma into a force ghost? - Yes, I did.

367. Amen. Now, who wants to hear some more singing?

368. I performed a damn Momma miracle. Like Jesus Christ, she has risen again.

369. Jesse, you're makin' Daddy cry. Turn it off!

370. Hush, Judy! Those are tears of joy, those are happy tears.

371. Please turn this off. I don't wanna see it.

372. Eli, don't be scared. It's just Aimee-Leigh.

373. - Daddy, that's momma. - It's darkness. I won't even watch.

374. - I hate this. - Why, Jesse?

375. Because we don't have what it takes! We fucking suck together!

376. I'm trying to make us more appealing.

377. That's not gonna happen if you are constantly trying to hog the spotlight!

378. Everybody knows that I'm the talent in this family since momma died.

379. I got more talent in my pubes than you do in your entire being.

380. You could quit right now, today and nobody would care.

381. You're the girl who isn't even supposed to be here. You're an add-on.

382. - No, you're an add-on. - You're both add-ons!

383. Baby Billy and I worked very hard on this spectral media presentation

384. and you're running it!

385. Guess what? Mic drop. I quit!

386. Okay. I quit, too. I don't wanna work with y'all either.

387. All right. Well, toodle-fucking-loo to both of you.

388. Look at us here, huh daddy You see?

389. This is exactly what I have to deal with all the time.

390. Two worthless sacks of shit that do nothing but weigh me down

391. and keep me from shinin'.

392. I don't care. You've turned your mother into a damn carnival attraction.

393. - Shut it off! - Fine. Baby Billy, shut it down.

394. - I'm trying to turn it off. - Turn it off, Jesse!

395. - We are! Hit your buttons there. - Turn it off!

396. Shut it off. Hey.

397. Plug it back in.

398. No, no, no! It's a loaner!

399. Shame on all of you. How you gotta be so thoughtless all the time?

400. Save the lecture and hit the bricks. Get to stepping, bitch!

401. Your Daddy's done a lot for the three of you.

402. Maybe you should show him some more respect.

403. Get her! Go and get her!

404. How do you like me now? How am I to you now?

405. Open the door! It's BJ Barnes, son!

406. I know you're in there! Texting Judy invitations.

407. One last time? How about I show you one last time?

408. What the fuck?

409. How you like me now?

410. Get the fuck outta here. You lost bitch.

411. BJ? I made dinner.

412. Are you okay?

413. - Oh, my God! - I hope you like me now.

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