The Righteous Gemstones 2x5

1. Oh, I can't wait for fucking Christmas!

2. Don't ever say the F word with Christmas, Jesse.

3. I didn't meant to!

4. I'm just so fucking excited. - Hush.

5. Not more excited than me.

6. Santa's bringing me stuff to be a singer.

7. Only if you're good, Judy.

8. Eli, it is glorious!

9. It's the biggest tree in Rogers.

10. I had it shipped all the way from California.

11. It's picture time. Let's bring it in

12. for some Gemstones Christmas cheer.

13. Ow, Judy, quit!

14. Piss your pants. Make a mess, baby.

15. Judy.

16. Ooh, for Christmas I'm gonna get Kelvin a weapon,

17. so the little dumb-dumb can defend himself.

18. I'm thinking knives or something.

19. Don't buy your brother a knife for Christmas, Jesse.

20. Okay. Maybe nunchucks then.

21. No weapons.

22. Man, you all are gonna ruin this kid.

23. He's finna grow up a pussy.

24. Ugh, Jesse said "pussy."

25. I can hear.

26. You don't need to keep saying it.

27. A pussy ain't a cuss.

28. It's a type of person.

29. One who doesn't like to do stuff

30. and is scared of everything.

31. It's not a cuss.

32. Jesse, you so dumb,

33. playin' like "pussy" ain't a cuss word.

34. Nobody else say pussy!

35. Everybody just smile

36. and say "Merry Christmas," God damn it.

37. Merry Christmas.

38. God damn it.

39. It's very impressive, Eli.

40. Should be, we spent enough money on it.

41. This studio is too damn small.

42. I want to upgrade.

43. They're building a new Coliseum.

44. That means they're selling the old one.

45. I bet we could get it for a steal.

46. Yeah, well, you're gonna have to steal it,

47. 'cause you can't afford it.

48. After the family compound, the amusement park,

49. the zoo—

50. Can't spend more than you make.

51. Well, then I have to make more.

52. Did we not learn anything

53. from the Bakers and Swaggarts of the world.

54. The rich pastor thing is not a good look.

55. Maybe we should tighten the belt,

56. instead of going so big.

57. I cannot imagine a more ridiculous comment.

58. It shows a fundamental misunderstanding

59. of what the Gemstones are all about.

60. We have to go big!

61. Big means success.

62. People want to see something bigger than life

63. when they watch us. Do you know why?

64. Because Jesus' message was bigger than life.

65. I'm sorry if that bothers you, Terry.

66. The optics aren't good. That's all.

67. Don't insult me.

68. I want to stand before my flock on Christmas

69. and tell them we got some big gifts comin'.

70. Stir some excitement.

71. Get folks pumped about what the Gemstones

72. are up to next.

73. If we're not careful,

74. you may have to stand before them

75. and tell them that the church is closing its doors.

76. We're spending more than we ever have.

77. Let's get back to reality.

78. What the fuck are you even talking about?

79. You know what?

80. Get out. You're fired.

81. I'm fir—why?

82. Because I need to find me an accountant

83. that don't look like Jim Henson.

84. Leave. Be gone.

85. Scram.

86. I cast thee out!

87. You got the spirit.

88. Dang, Uncle Baby Billy is thirsty.

89. I'm sorry your cousin Harmon's not here with us this holiday,

90. but his mama's a spiteful woman,

91. and I don't think that we will ever be seeing them

92. ever again.

93. Gloria left me.

94. What happened?

95. I'm asking myself the same thing.

96. I mean, we was in the shopping mall,

97. you know, looking at kittens.

98. I was gonna get Harmon one for Christmas—

99. a little gray, little tabby—

100. and then Gloria said

101. she was gonna take him to the potty,

102. and they never came back.

103. Well, this is terrible.

104. And you ain't heard anything from her since?

105. Nothin'.

106. You're aunt's got a dark side.

107. She always seemed nice to me.

108. Yeah. Mainly silent.

109. Well, all those times she wasn't talking,

110. she was really making judgments.

111. She didn't like none of y'all,

112. especially you, Kelvin.

113. You know what she said?

114. You have the most boring haircut

115. in the world.

116. Zero. Give that boy some mousse.

117. Wet it down a little bit.

118. Maybe we should just get a divorce.

119. Well, even if you do, you can't let her take

120. Harmon out of your life. That is your boy.

121. Harmon's complicit here too now.

122. I mean, he's calm,

123. you know, with that speech impediment,

124. but when he gets cross,

125. he's meaner than cat piss in a cut.

126. I don't want to talk about this no more.

127. Oh, my God. Wha—

128. Look at all these pretty faces.

129. What's everybody doing now?

130. Just getting ready for Christmas.

131. I know that Baby Billy being here

132. is an imposition, but, uh,

133. this ain't me trying to squirm my way in, or anything.

134. You know, I just—

135. I'm having a rough go of it, y'all.

136. But I ain't asking for money or nothing, Eli.

137. Okay? So I don't want you thinking that.

138. I didn't say anything.

139. Yeah, but you thinking it.

140. But I can read it in your mind.

141. Look, I know that this is

142. a very stressful time for you, Eli.

143. I mean, I saw that Barbara Walters special.

144. You came off terrible.

145. Just sweatin' like James Brown onstage at the Apollo.

146. That's them cameras they use.

147. Oh, is that it?

148. I guess they also put on ten pounds, right?

149. But, yeah, just sweaty, old Eli up there,

150. sweatin' like a little old pig.

151. I just need a place to sleep

152. till I can figure this whole thing out.

153. You can stay with us.

154. - I can? - He can?

155. It's Christmas.

156. No one should have to be alone.

157. If we can help out, we should.

158. Yeah.

159. We goin' huntin', Eli?

160. Oh, God damn, we got a shooter!

161. Oh.

162. Daddy, what are you doing?

163. - Oh, God. - God damn, man.

164. You almost scared the shit out of me, old man.

165. Damn, Daddy Roy, you came all the way over here

166. in your skivvies, good Lord.

167. Thought we were going hunting, Eli?

168. No, Daddy, we ain't going hunting.

169. Come on, let's get you home.

170. I'll get him home. Here, baby.

171. Come on, Daddy.

172. Is that some Alzheimer's?

173. You can't let him be wandering around.

174. You got to chain him.

175. Ridiculous.

176. Carny rides and rollercoasters.

177. It's just ridiculous.

178. W-where we at?

179. My—my home's in Arkansas.

180. You mean that leaky shack with bad wires?

181. Here we built you the grandest house

182. anybody could ever want.

183. Nothing I ever do is good enough.

184. Come on, let's go get you cleaned up.

185. Thank you.

186. - Morning, Dr. Gemstone. - Morning, Dr. Gemstone.

187. Good morning, my little elves.

188. Morning, Dr. Gemstone.

189. - Good morning. - Good morning, Dr. Gemstone.

190. - Good morning, good morning. - Morning, Dr. Gemstone.

191. Good morning.

192. Ho! Ho! Ho!

193. - Good morning, Dr. Gemstone! - Good morning.

194. Good morning, Dr. Gemstone.

195. - Good morning. - Morning, Dr. Gemstone.

196. Good morning.

197. Morning, Dr. Gemstone.

198. Good morning to you.

199. Good morning, Dr. Gemstone.

200. - Hey! - There's someone waiting

201. for you in your office.

202. I'm sorry, sir.

203. It's my first day.

204. I wanted to get an early start.

205. In my chair?

206. Nobody's supposed to even be in this office

207. if I'm not here. - It's okay, sir.

208. I'm—I'm so excited to be here.

209. You can trust me.

210. Trust is earned, not given.

211. What's your name again? - Martin Imari.

212. The new accountant.

213. Martin Imari, the new accountant.

214. Good to meet you, now get the hell out!

215. Of course, Dr. Gemstone.

216. Dr. Gemstone.

217. Trudy, what do you got for me today?

218. You have a 10:30 meeting with the deacons.

219. And you have a message.

220. Said he's a old friend of yours,

221. Glendon Marsh.

222. Glendon Marsh?

223. Hey, look at this sharp fellow.

224. He's wearing a suit and a pocket square.

225. It's just my working clothes.

226. Oh, well excuse the shit out of me.

227. You still look strong as a bull too.

228. Don't make me blush.

229. How's Junior?

230. Still a dumb-ass.

231. But that's okay.

232. Look, he's pretty much running the business now.

233. I'm ready to retire.

234. Let him run it into the ground for all I care.

235. Hey, y-you got any offspring?

236. Three of them.

237. Two teenagers, and the youngest is four years old.

238. Oh, I'm so happy to see you doing well.

239. Yeah, makes me damn proud

240. what you've managed to achieve.

241. I certainly have been blessed.

242. Oh, shrewd is what you've been.

243. Yeah, bet you learned some of that from me.

244. The master.

245. Yeah, I saw something in you

246. from the jump.

247. I could tell you was something special, Eli.

248. I hit a few bumps in the road here recently.

249. Yeah. You know, I've heard that.

250. Something about some money trouble?

251. It's not as bad as people are saying.

252. I am in some debt.

253. May have to scale back some.

254. Maybe not go as big as I like,

255. but just for a bit—

256. Fuck that! You gotta go big!

257. Exactly!

258. Especially now, it's Christmas.

259. The spectacle's everything. You can't scale down.

260. That's right.

261. Eli, look, look, I'd be happy

262. to pony up some money

263. if it would help out your church.

264. I mean, come on.

265. You know I got me some bread.

266. Glendon, that's generous, but I can't.

267. I don't want your charity.

268. Charity?

269. Hell, I want in.

270. I've saved a bit over the years,

271. and I believe in you, Eli.

272. Paid off for me before.

273. I bet it'll pay off for me again.

274. I do love tater tots. Yeah!

275. Ohh! Oh, my God.

276. Oh, my God.

277. He is gonna be a prodigy.

278. Right now, I'm calling it. You're a prodigy, you're a—

279. Like a genius?

280. Man, shut the front door.

281. Y'all can't throw that word around.

282. Good for a kid? Yes.

283. Prodigy? No.

284. Hello, all you beautiful people.

285. Oh, well, somebody's in a good mood.

286. Why shouldn't I be?

287. I just found us a million dollars.

288. Wha—

289. How? From who?

290. Old pal of mine from Memphis, Glendon Marsh.

291. He's a wrastlin' promoter.

292. He taught be a lot back in the day.

293. Like what? How to do a body slam?

294. Showmanship, for one, baby.

295. How to bring the heat.

296. You mean to tell me, that this fella shows up here,

297. just out of nowhere,

298. and wants to give you a million dollars?

299. He's retired.

300. He's looking for someplace to park his money.

301. - All right. - Daddy gonna be making

302. them fat stacks.

303. Fat stacks!

304. Just like in wrestling.

305. Right when you think your hero is licked,

306. and you're ready to count him out,

307. he gets that sudden burst of energy

308. in the last fall.

309. Get it.

310. Break his back, Daddy!

311. Break it!

312. This is a real nice home you got here.

313. Very impressive.

314. We broke the bank on it, but I think it was worth it.

315. And that's why we're over here

316. begging you for money now.

317. Oh! She's a funny one, Eli.

318. Yeah, I'm glad I got to finally meet you.

319. So Eli tells me you're in promotions.

320. Oh, yes, ma'am. Uh, wrestling promotions.

321. I also own a vending machine company.

322. - Oh. - Yeah, we do

323. soda pop, bubble gum, chips,

324. video poker, and them claw games that the kids love.

325. I mean, I've got machines all over Memphis,

326. so I hope y'all take quarters.

327. We take quarters.

328. Video poker, as in gambling?

329. Uh-huh.

330. Video poker's for suckers and old people.

331. It's a perfect business model.

332. I just hope this money helps y'all out.

333. That's all I want.

334. You're doing a good thing, Glendon.

335. I don't know if I can buy my way to heaven,

336. but I can sure as hell try!

337. Eli needs to watch himself.

338. I mean, who is this guy

339. that has all this money just laying around, huh?

340. I mean, that don't sit right.

341. But Eli don't care.

342. And that is what happens to poor people

343. when they get their hands on cash.

344. They just can't help themselves.

345. It's—they just want to grab as much of it

346. as they possibly can,

347. so they don't ever have to be poor ever again.

348. And that right there?

349. That is Eli to a T, Aimee-Leigh.

350. Just stuffing himself

351. till he shits his pants.

352. He's already got himself a fat cat.

353. And he's out there right now trying to get even more.

354. Who's this fat cat?

355. Is he lucid? Is he with us?

356. Yes. Grandaddy Roy knows what's going on, don't you?

357. You actually might remember him, Roy.

358. Old buddy of Eli's he used to run around with

359. in Memphis.

360. Fellow by the name of Glendon Marsh?

361. I—I don't want Eli hanging around that man.

362. He keeps coming in here late at night.

363. Ruth. Ruth!

364. Ew, Mama.

365. He's calling you Ruth.

366. He thinks you're Grandma.

367. God.

368. I'm not Ruth, Roy.

369. I'm Aimee-Leigh.

370. Keep Eli away from him.

371. I'm more than happy to be helping you, Eli,

372. but as you know, I deal mostly in cash.

373. So we have us a bit of a conundrum here,

374. 'cause I can't be having banks and lawyers

375. involved in my money.

376. Leaves me vulnerable in a way I'm just not comfortable with.

377. Pull!

378. How can I accept a donation that large

379. without lawyers and banks?

380. Pull!

381. What I had in mind was,

382. I will give you $3 million,

383. all cash.

384. And you treat it like I put money in that basket.

385. And I only want $2,000,000 back,

386. so you make an easy mil.

387. Sounds like money laundering.

388. Think of it as tithing.

389. Now, I know you enjoy the tax-free lifestyle, Eli.

390. Do not begrudge me the same.

391. Pull!

392. What do you mean, you don't see

393. what the big deal is?

394. Baby, when somebody puts a dollar bill

395. in the basket on Sunday,

396. we don't ask where the money came from.

397. For all we know, they could have robbed

398. a liquor store.

399. Yeah.

400. But you know Glendon's money is dirty.

401. You know it, Eli.

402. I'm surprised at you, I really am.

403. Surprised I'm trying to keep our family afloat?

404. We need the money.

405. You've seen how the media snobs look down on us,

406. like we're some kind of joke.

407. Baby, they just don't understand

408. what it is that we're working toward.

409. But compromising our morals

410. ain't gonna make them understand it any better.

411. You know as well as I do, this ain't right.

412. Oh, tell me, please.

413. What's right and wrong, Princess?

414. So righteous.

415. You struck it rich at 12 years old.

416. Me and Glendon had to scratch our way

417. out of the dirt.

418. Where is he?

419. Where is that little boy?

420. Where is he?

421. - He's above you. - What about my favorite son?

422. Didn't know y'all were having

423. slumber parties.

424. Well, wasn't shit going on in my room,

425. so I was trying to see if there was

426. any action in here.

427. What'd you find?

428. Uncle Tickles molesting Kelvin? - Hey.

429. Floppin' that little dong?

430. Hey, hey, hey, you hush with that kind of talk,

431. you little son of a gun.

432. No, I'm serious now. Ain't nobody playing

433. no dong pong in here.

434. Uncle Baby Billy, I don't want

435. you to sleep in here.

436. Well, choke on shit, Kelvin.

437. That's a swear, FYI.

438. Well, you about to hear a lot more of them

439. if you don't zip them lips and get in that bed.

440. That goes for all y'all now.

441. Now, I'm emotionally fragile,

442. and conflict will fuck with my sleep, okay?

443. You know Baby needs his beauty sleep, now.

444. Everybody be quiet.

445. I'm sorry you're going through a divorce,

446. Uncle Baby Billy.

447. We choose you over Aunt Gloria.

448. Speak for yourself, Jesse.

449. I haven't made my choice about nothing yet.

450. Well, it ain't like she's over here

451. trying to win us on her side.

452. No, she ain't.

453. And her only connection to y'all is via me,

454. so she ain't shit to y'all now anyway.

455. What about weird Cousin Harmon?

456. Harmon...

457. is gonna go with his mama.

458. So he don't mean nothing to y'all now too.

459. I don't—I don't want to talk about him.

460. Dang.

461. I'm gonna miss that kid.

462. I won't.

463. Me neither.

464. $3 million is a rather large sum.

465. This much money must be declared and documented.

466. It's—this is a church.

467. You ain't gotta be reportin' money

468. to the government, come on now.

469. I will handle this however you want,

470. Dr. Gemstone.

471. There you go, Eli.

472. What do you say?

473. Glendon,

474. I have to turn you down.

475. Wait, are you shittin' me?

476. Hey!

477. This is your salvation right here.

478. Come on, boy!

479. Come on, you need it, son.

480. I do need it, but not that bad.

481. I can't in good faith accept this money.

482. It just ain't right.

483. Why?

484. 'Cause you're better than me?

485. You just got lucky, that's all.

486. You and me is the same.

487. I'm a different man, now.

488. Are you?

489. I'm sorry, Glendon.

490. Bullshit.

491. Yeah, I'm sorry too!

492. Psst.

493. Psst.

494. - He came! He came! - He came!

495. Santa Claus came! There's presents everywhere.

496. I wanted to get y'all a little something.

497. - What? - No, you didn't.

498. Yes, I did.

499. Surprise, that's for you.

500. - Thank you so much. - You didn't have to do this.

501. Jesse.

502. There you go. Okay, here you go.

503. And for the king—

504. Just a little something, you know, from me.

505. You know, just to say thank you

506. for letting this old dog come in out of the cold

507. one more time.

508. - You bet. - Thank you.

509. What the fuck is this?

510. What are these, buttons?

511. Cufflinks.

512. I was involved in a deal selling high-end cufflinks.

513. I took a bit of a hit on the deal,

514. had some boxes left over.

515. But, you know, the origin of it, that don't—

516. You know, just, merry Christmas!

517. Love it.

518. I'm gonna sell this shit.

519. But, now, I just feel terrible.

520. We didn't know you were coming,

521. and...

522. we've just been so busy with the church and all,

523. that we didn't get you a gift.

524. Okay, that's fine.

525. I wasn't expecting anything.

526. I mean, I got y'all, like, five gifts.

527. You know?

528. Fucking get me one. But that's all right.

529. No, it's fine. - Sucks.

530. No presents for you.

531. Hey, don't be brazen about it, boy.

532. - No, it's fine. - It's fine.

533. I know it is fine, and—and that's—

534. - I said it was fine. - I—I know.

535. It's fine,

536. because we're pulling your leg, you turkey!

537. Of course we got you a gift.

538. Merry Christmas, Billy.

539. A Christmas present.

540. Are y'all—oh, my God.

541. I was about to be so pissed off.

542. I was getting so mad.

543. Christmas present! Oh, God! - Open it up.

544. Kelvin, come over here.

545. What is this thing?

546. Are you— - Hope it's something you like.

547. Wha—

548. This is a boombox.

549. Are you kidding me? I've always wanted

550. one of these things. Look at this.

551. It's even got a bass equalizer right here.

552. I can listen to my gospel jams.

553. That's pretty great. I love it.

554. Oh, God. God.

555. Ooh, thank y'all.

556. Oh, you know what?

557. You know what would actually be

558. the best gift of all for me this Christmas—

559. What? What would that be, darlin'?

560. If you told me the truth.

561. About what?

562. Well, I called Gloria,

563. and she told me what happened.

564. Why did you do that?

565. Huh?

566. Fine, I left them.

567. You happy now? I ditched 'em at a mall.

568. And bailed the fuck out!

569. Left them right there.

570. There you go.

571. In front of your children.

572. Thank you.

573. Children, go upstairs.

574. - Boo! - Boo!

575. Go on.

576. Why, Billy?

577. Why would you do that?

578. Because I couldn't provide for them.

579. I ain't rich like y'all.

580. I ain't got a driveway full of Christmas trees,

581. I got one Christmas tree.

582. And there ain't nothing underneath it.

583. You have any idea what it's like

584. when your child asks you for a present

585. and you can't get it for them?

586. You could have asked us if you needed help.

587. Why do you think I'm here, Eli?

588. I meant, you should have asked us

589. before you ran off on your family.

590. I was just saving them the agony

591. of seeing my downfall. You know?

592. Come on, now, brother. Don't talk like that.

593. You are talented,

594. and smart, and handsome, and—

595. Yes, Aimee-Leigh, I know.

596. I am all of those things.

597. But it's not enough, you know?

598. It's not worth anything.

599. I'm just a...

600. a loser.

601. If you don't mind,

602. we were hoping you'd perform with us today

603. at the Christmas special.

604. Paid, of course.

605. I don't need no handout, Eli.

606. It's not a handout, Baby Billy.

607. We need a man of your talents.

608. You ain't—you ain't wrong about that.

609. You know I could spice things up a little bit.

610. It would be all I would want for Christmas,

611. is just to have all my family there

612. side by side.

613. Come and worship with us, brother, please.

614. Really?

615. Come on, an invitation like that—

616. - I love you. - Thank you.

617. Sing it, brother, come on now.

618. Whoo!

619. Oh!

620. Merry Christmas, everybody.

621. - Oh, yeah. - Whoo!

622. Merry Christmas.

623. My, my, my.

624. Now this is what it is all about.

625. Yes, ma'am.

626. I got some pretty big news

627. to share with everyone.

628. Including you.

629. Oh!

630. Well, Eli over here keeping secrets.

631. Do tell.

632. Come next March...

633. these doors are closing.

634. I'm sorry, Eli, I must have wax in my ears.

635. Could you say that again?

636. We...

637. are gonna build...

638. an arena.

639. A stadium-sized sanctuary,

640. with seating as far as the eye can see.

641. Where people from all over the world

642. can come and help us fight the devil in His name.

643. And you might be asking,

644. how are we gonna pay for all this?

645. I know I'm asking.

646. We are gonna figure that out together.

647. Yes, we are.

648. We are gonna ask God to deliver us a miracle.

649. Yes, dear Lord Jesus, please bring us that money,

650. and we will fight the good fight

651. in Your name.

652. All of us.

653. Together. Amen!

654. - Amen. - Amen.

655. - Thank you, Lord. - Hallelujah.

656. How am I so weak?

657. Thanks for backing me up at church.

658. I hope you know what you're doing.

659. I mean, how we gonna pay for a stadium, Eli?

660. We'll find the money somehow.

661. If you say so.

662. You got to have faith, darlin'.

663. Hello? - Dr. Gemstone.

664. It is Martin Imari.

665. You come to my house on Christmas night?

666. I have to discuss a matter of importance.

667. On Christmas?

668. I—I'm sorry, Dr. Gemstone.

669. What's going on, Glendon?

670. I knew you wouldn't let me on the property,

671. so I got me a hall pass.

672. You think this is gonna change my mind

673. about taking your money?

674. I figure what will change your mind,

675. is me holding a gun

676. on that pretty little wife of yours.

677. Or maybe your kids. How'd that be?

678. How dare you threaten my family.

679. Your best bet is to button them lips

680. before I make this the worst night of your life.

681. Okay, okay. Please, don't hurt anybody.

682. Oh, no, some people are gonna get hurt.

683. We goin' huntin', Eli?

684. Be not deceived.

685. God is not mocked.

686. Daddy, there's no hunting.

687. Give me the gun. - Eli?

688. What was that?

689. Uh, it's my daddy!

690. He wandered over again. The gun went off.

691. Everybody's all right.

692. I'm gonna take him back now.

693. All right, well, don't be long.

694. This was an evil man.

695. I guess the devil's in all of us a little bit.

696. You speak the truth, Dr. Gemstone.

697. Call me Eli.

698. Eli.

699. Boy, you Gemstones do Christmas up.

700. Get your family back, Baby Billy.

701. I'll figure it out.

702. Don't worry about me. I got plenty of time.

703. This was all a bad dream.

704. Life is but a dream.

705. Is—isn't that how the song goes?

706. Never truer words. That's—that's all it is.

707. - Yup. - You know, I was thinking

708. it seems like a week ago I was in Arkansas

709. and yelling at you to eat your turnips.

710. Remember that?

711. Now, in a blink, here—here we are.

712. Here we are.

713. You know, I'm proud of you, son.

714. I never told you enough.

715. A-a-and I could be hard on you,

716. but you're a good man, Eli.

717. You're a good man, too.

718. Better man than me.

719. I love you, Daddy.

720. Uh, l—let go. Get off.

721. Relax, I'm try—

722. Relax, I'm just trying to give you a hug.

723. Who the hell do you think you are?

724. Get—get away.

725. Ruth!

726. Ru—ahh.

727. Ruth! Ruth.

728. Pow.