The Righteous Gemstones 2x1

1. The Maniac Kid!

2. - Come on, Maniac! - Bring us on home.

3. He brings a scrappy spirit to the ring

4. that many do not survive!

5. It's the Atomic Drop!

6. Yeah! Yeah!

7. From the wrong side of the tracks,

8. a newcomer to the league!

9. All muscle, all attitude!

10. Maniac Kid with a high-flying smackdown!

11. Devastating, homicidal!

12. He's gone! Over the cameras!

13. It's mayhem in Memphis!

14. Today's special is Memphis Soul Stew.

15. Yeah, Maniac Kid!

16. Damn, boy, that was a beautiful thing to watch.

17. Oh, you are poetry in motion, son.

18. Here, take it. Any interest in some bonus pay?

19. Yes, sir. I'm definitely interested.

20. All right, well, you take a ride with us.

21. South side of town.

22. Juni!

23. You drive.

24. Hey, that's a nice dick, Ernie.

25. Good morning.

26. What the fuck?

27. Get a job, you bums!

28. The hell's the matter with you?

29. Did I raise you to be a piece of shit

30. or does it just come naturally?

31. Asshole.

32. And where's your sympathy?

33. They just want the same thing that everybody else wants.

34. A piece of the fucking pie.

35. All right, Maniac, you just follow my lead.

36. Remember I'm the boss.

37. You ain't my boss, Junior.

38. Well, yeah, my daddy's the boss.

39. But technically, that makes me above you

40. and if I give you an order, you have to do it.

41. Isn't that right, Daddy?

42. You ain't the boss of shit.

43. Now stop trying to be a big man.

44. Just put on these masks, get in there,

45. and take care of business.

46. Asshole.

47. This mask smells like shit.

48. And guess what. Daddy tooted.

49. Yes, I did.

50. Kill 'em.

51. Kill 'em both.

52. Oh, yeah.

53. Crawford, I'm not gonna tell you again.

54. Turn it down! It's keeping her up.

55. You're making me miss this!

56. It's my shows, goddamn it.

57. Your shows...

58. Don't worry, Margaret.

59. Not everyone's as mean as your daddy.

60. - Shut her up. - Mm.

61. While you keep him busy, I'll go around

62. and get from behind.

63. Hey!

64. Bring me a beer if you're rummaging around!

65. This is empty.

66. Who the fuck are you?

67. Ow!

68. Ow! - I said turn the goddamn TV—

69. Daddy's home!

70. Shh.

71. You owe Glen.

72. I ain't got no money!

73. Ah! I ain't got no money!

74. I'm dead broke! - You owe Glen,

75. and I need that money, and I need it now!

76. Tomorrow! Tomorrow, I can get it!

77. Be Christian. Lemme go!

78. Do it!

79. Please, let me go!

80. Buy yourself something nice.

81. Yeah.

82. Ah, yeah, poetry in motion.

83. You're late, boy.

84. Sorry, sir.

85. No, go on.

86. Take a seat. - Yes, ma'am.

87. Where were you?

88. I was out running errands.

89. Errands?

90. - Yes, sir. - For who?

91. For the Lord.

92. - Can it, Mary! - Both of you... enough.

93. Now lead us in prayer.

94. Me or her?

95. I'm looking at you.

96. So just say me then.

97. Do it, Eli Gemstone.

98. Yes, sir.

99. Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat.

100. I'm ashamed.

101. I stand before you as an old friend

102. and a child of Christ.

103. Not the deviant sex-doer the media paints me as.

104. I don't know what my family's gonna do.

105. You probably should've thought of that before you filmed

106. your wife doing cunnilingus on a woman

107. in a dance club bathroom.

108. Amen.

109. Okay, Diane.

110. Well, what, you fixing to pile on?

111. You got no compassion for me?

112. After how long we known each other.

113. Apparently, I didn't know you as well as I thought I did.

114. Lot of revelations in this "New York Times" piece.

115. Lots of deviants.

116. Don't you talk deviants to me.

117. Brothers, sister pastors,

118. Makawon wants a chance to speak.

119. I think we owe him that much.

120. We didn't do anything illegal.

121. Those were private pleasures shared with my wife.

122. And we didn't know we ate Molly.

123. We thought they were mini SweeTarts.

124. Please don't kick my family off the streaming platform, Eli.

125. We've always been a loyal affiliate.

126. My church can't survive in this new normal

127. without being on streaming.

128. I don't know what I'm gonna do if we can't be on TV no more.

129. It taints the whole brand.

130. Now what message does that send to my congregation?

131. Mak.

132. Now I know you feeling 'bout as low

133. as a bowlegged caterpillar.

134. But I'm with Diane.

135. He says his church is really cool with the gays

136. and the queers, but not so much about

137. the swingers and the thrah—thrahples.

138. Damn it, Tony! DeeDee and I are not

139. in a throuple with this woman!

140. She's a random with a lifestyle calls her a snack.

141. You think this reporter's just my problem?

142. He's all our problem.

143. He's a crusader.

144. An activist.

145. You're wrong if you don't think he gonna come after you next.

146. It ain't like y'all don't have your secrets too.

147. All right, Mak.

148. This is not how I wanted it to go down.

149. Mm.

150. So that's that?

151. I'm gonna kill myself.

152. Mak!

153. Ouch.

154. My legs!

155. Oh, my legs!

156. [Jay-Jay Johanson's "So Tell the Girls

157. That I Am Back in Town']

158. Hey, so... don't think I'm not grateful 'cause I...

159. I totally get how generous this is and all, really, I do.

160. But, um...

161. could I just get an apartment?

162. This place is kinda...

163. honestly, Mom, it's super gross.

164. Yeah, no doy it's super gross.

165. Granddaddy Roy died here.

166. Pooped and peed all over the floors.

167. But that was many moons ago.

168. That's right, and we've had this place deep cleaned

169. multiple times. - Right.

170. Your great-granddaddy's mansion is our gift to you

171. for making the right choices. - Mm-hmm.

172. You found a way to use your movie industry

173. Tinseltown talents for good.

174. And not just for good, but for God.

175. I mean, I'm filming sermons.

176. It's not quite what I was trying to do.

177. - No, it's better. - Yeah, it's better.

178. - Ow! - The hell is that?

179. Ah, stop it!

180. Hey, Mom, can we kick holes in the walls

181. in the green bathroom?

182. The toilet in there doesn't even work.

183. No, you may not!

184. Man!

185. Let's go jump on the Tempur-Pedic!

186. - Abraham! - Abraham,

187. take that goddamn diaper off your head!

188. Gideon, get up there and straighten those boys out.

189. - Okay. - And if you wouldn't mind,

190. please, your mother and I would like you

191. to have a talk with Abraham.

192. What about?

193. Uh...

194. Well, it would appear that your baby bro

195. has started to jack his little ding-a-ling.

196. And your mama has found his stained jockeys

197. in some very odd places.

198. Mm-hmm, I think he's embarrassed.

199. I—I don't understand.

200. What's confusing? He's blasting come everywhere.

201. And your mom found his damn undergarments

202. hidden every which way but loose.

203. She found a pair of his crusty child chones

204. in the living room bible. - Mm.

205. And then found another pair

206. stuffed in the back of the freezer

207. where the Dreamsicles are.

208. I had two of those yesterday.

209. We all enjoy the Dreamsicles.

210. The little dude is up in his room

211. fuckin' blasting shit behind his headboard.

212. Sitting there blasting one underneath his little kid desk.

213. your mom and I are not comfortable

214. talking about come with your baby brother.

215. - Mm-hmm. - Load-blow convos

216. are more appropriate, we believe,

217. coming from an older sibling

218. as opposed to mommies and daddies.

219. What am I supposed to say?

220. I don't know.

221. Tell him to knock it off.

222. Tell him to put it in a damn napkin and flush it

223. like a normal person. - Yes.

224. Don't be field micing this shit around the house.

225. It's disrespectful.

226. Okay. I—I—I'll... feel it out.

227. Try to bring it up organically.

228. - Thank you. - Of course.

229. I got faith in you.

230. - Yeah. - Okay.

231. Bye, guys. - Hey, hey!

232. - Hey. - Fucking love you, homie.

233. - Love you too. - And I was just playing

234. when I said that Granddaddy Roy

235. pooped and peed all over the floors.

236. - Okay. - He didn't do that.

237. Just the master bedroom.

238. I'll probably just move into the guest bedroom

239. knowing that about the master.

240. - Yep, whatever you want. - Okay.

241. My word, the voice of an angel.

242. Daddy, all I do is I open my mouth

243. and I let God do the rest.

244. That's wonderful, Judy.

245. That's the very best thing to do.

246. The book of Matthew...

247. Tells of nation rising against nation,

248. kingdom against kingdom.

249. A time of famines, pestilence, and earthquakes.

250. Sound familiar?

251. In such scary, uncertain times,

252. come diseases, financial ruin, political turmoil.

253. That's right, folks... the works.

254. Knowing that we could reach God...

255. and he will answer.

256. That's what we need right now!

257. Amen.

258. Well, hold on. Wait a second, Daddy.

259. Are you saying people need Jesus's love

260. now more than ever?

261. Duh, my brother!

262. We always need Jesus's love.

263. But especially now.

264. We do need Jesus' love now more than ever.

265. We are introducing a streaming platform

266. where you can access Christian programming

267. 24/7 unlimited whenever you need it.

268. We call this service GODD,

269. Gemstone on Digital Demand!

270. Whoo!

271. With the launch of G-O-Double D,

272. the Gemstones have officially entered

273. the streaming wars.

274. Available on smart TVs, Roku, Android, and Apple devices.

275. Son, you speaking robot?

276. Can we get that in English

277. for us older folks?

278. Uh, Daddy, I think what he's trying to say

279. is you can watch it just about anywhere.

280. And it is time to finally stop the constant flood

281. of filth and propaganda coming out of Hollywood.

282. If they're gonna fill

283. the airwaves 24/7 with that garbage,

284. we gonna do the same thing. - Mm-hmm.

285. That calls for a celebration!

286. Who wants to sing and rejoice?

287. Streaming services.

288. Amen!

289. Let's not fill up on rolls here.

290. Stick to the salad bar.

291. Don't forget, we are swimming laps after lunch,

292. so eat light.

293. We nourish our bodies for His love.

294. Cool. - So cool.

295. Excuse me, sir?

296. What's up?

297. Dismissed.

298. Will you be dining with the men and I?

299. Of course not, Keefe.

300. I'll be above you, upstairs with the family.

301. Shall I join you?

302. Oh, not appropriate.

303. Upstairs church lunch is only for the family.

304. See you upstairs, Kelvin.

305. And... Daddy's closest work acquaintances.

306. That's okay.

307. Hey, do not take this personal.

308. No matter how many disciples we gather,

309. you're still my number one.

310. All right? All right?

311. Oh, let me tickle them titty meats.

312. See you inside.

313. He said my—you— I'll see you... inside.

314. He tried to kill himself?

315. Oh, that is horrible.

316. I just can't believe there was nothing you could do about it.

317. I mean, you couldn't just tell him

318. that the Butterfields were staying in?

319. Nothing I could do.

320. Damage had already been done.

321. He made his bed.

322. It sounds like a lot of people made their way

323. into his bed.

324. Oh, ha-ha, Martin.

325. That fucking reporter ruined their whole life.

326. Like, blew up their whole deal.

327. I feel really sad for them.

328. Don't let it distract you.

329. I wanna make sure everybody is here

330. for the missionary seminar next week.

331. Well, Amber and myself

332. will unfortunately have to take a rain check.

333. We have been invited

334. to a formal sit-down with the Lissons.

335. The Lissons?

336. The gorgeous preaching couple from Texas?

337. - Yeah. - What for?

338. What do you mean, "What for?"

339. They're a successful power Christian couple.

340. As are my wife and I.

341. Who knows what the hell we can cook up together.

342. Well, it's just weird that they invited you

343. and not anybody else.

344. - Thank you. - I mean, there's a lot

345. of successful people in this family.

346. That's all I'm saying.

347. If the Lissons wanna open up a Gold's Gym,

348. I'll tell 'em to give you a call.

349. I imagine we were invited

350. 'cause they probably realized, as Daddy's faculties are...

351. waning and he starts getting older and tired-er—

352. no offense, Daddy— that Amber and myself

353. are the logical next leaders.

354. Y'all are not the only married people in this family.

355. Me and BJ are also strongly betrothed

356. and also crushing it.

357. Not a real family.

358. No kids. - Ooh, ooh!

359. Slam. I like that one. - Mm-hmm.

360. I don't got time for kids

361. 'cause I'm trying to keep this fresh physique fine.

362. I'm not trying to be all loose and stretched out

363. like Amber's played-out pastrami.

364. Could you please pass the mustard?

365. Hey, do not talk about my wife's vagina

366. at church lunch, do you hear me?

367. It's okay, baby. She's just jealous.

368. Oh, please.

369. Because her wedding wasn't even real.

370. God.

371. That was cold.

372. Not letting Daddy walk you down the aisle.

373. There was not a aisle, dummy!

374. I don't know how many fucking times I need to say that.

375. It was just, like, a area by rides, okay?

376. Daddy knows.

377. Disney World was a thing.

378. It was BJ's dream wedding destination.

379. So we did it Nike style, dog.

380. We just did it, okay?

381. That's how we roll.

382. We're seat-of-our-pants.

383. We're fun kids.

384. We're whim babies, so...

385. We meant no disrespect, Daddy.

386. Ugh, Daddy.

387. I just wanna know who officiated the wedding.

388. Was it Donald or was it Goofy?

389. - Oh! - Ooh, slice.

390. That was a good one.

391. It was Prince Eric, for your information.

392. - Thank you. - Prince Eric?

393. Who the fuck is that?

394. The boy from "The Little Mermaid."

395. The hottest guy in the entire Disney catalog.

396. Ariel's boyfriend, you fucking bitches.

397. - Oh, God. - Oh, Lord.

398. Y'all went down to Disney World,

399. didn't invite any family to come to your wedding,

400. and you didn't even get a legacy character to marry you.

401. What legacy character were we supposed to go for

402. that's better than Prince Eric? - Oh, I don't know.

403. How 'bout Mickey Mouse?

404. Man, fuck Mickey!

405. Enough!

406. Judy, I don't want to discuss

407. the mermaid wedding. - Yes, sir.

408. Jesse, I'm not going anywhere.

409. So there's no need to start working on who's taking over.

410. Okay, I'm just saying, you know, at your age...

411. it's probably never too early to think about the future.

412. You know, I mean, you could be sitting here being fine

413. one minute, doing church lunch and ministering,

414. and the next minute you can't even wipe your own shits.

415. Then the whole entire church goes down to the caboodles

416. because nobody knows who's gonna run it.

417. That—that—that's where I'm coming from.

418. Well, I appreciate your concern.

419. But like I said...

420. I'm not going anywhere.

421. Well, let's just hope my campaign plays out

422. a hell of a lot better than I played that back nine.

423. It's about time I took some money off you, senator.

424. Since you always seem to have your hands on mine.

425. Why do you think I let you win?

426. Ay, Maniac Kid!

427. It's me.

428. Sir! I'm sorry.

429. This is private property. Members only.

430. I'm a personal guest of Eli Gemstone's.

431. Yeah, me and the man go way back.

432. I'll see you Sunday service.

433. - Come on. - Get your meat hooks off me!

434. I will fuck you up.

435. Hey, I can take a hint!

436. Don't touch me.

437. Or you will regret it.

438. Lissons! Lissons! Lissons!

439. Texas, make some noise!

440. My man!

441. You know the words, come on!

442. Oh, yeah.

443. Let's go, baby.

444. Hey, uh, Lyle, I think God is ready to talk.

445. What do you think?

446. I think so too, Lindy.

447. Question is, are you all ready to Lisson?

448. That's good.

449. Do you want it?

450. Yeah!

451. - Who wants it? - Do you want the power

452. of the Holy Spirit in you?

453. Can't hear you now. What, what did you say now?

454. Well, then all you got to do is take it.

455. Take it!

456. Yeah, you felt that, right? - I know I did.

457. You want the Holy Spirit right now?

458. Oh, yes.

459. Yeah, this is awesome.

460. Is this what you want?

461. It's what I want.

462. Now, you, right there!

463. Take it!

464. Oh.

465. Take it, take it, take it, take it!

466. Take it, take it, take it!

467. Don't mind if I do. Mm.

468. Look, I just wanna thank y'all for inviting our family out here

469. for this little hang sesh.

470. - Mm-hmm. - Hey, Gemstones rule the east.

471. Lissons rule the west.

472. Why has it taken us this long to combine forces

473. and see what God can do with this synergy?

474. Y'all like beach vacations?

475. Live for 'em. Waves and sunbeams.

476. Yes, well, how would you like to take a vacation

477. at the beach with Jesus Christ?

478. I would love to go there with Him.

479. Okay, well that's good news 'cause we got plans

480. to construct a temple of sun and sand

481. in honor of our love for Christ.

482. We're calling this place Zion's Landing.

483. It's a Christian time-share resort

484. on the sunny beaches of Florida.

485. Whoo! Sounds too good to be true.

486. Well, pulling something like Zion's Landing off

487. ain't gonna be easy now.

488. Lindy and I said we got to align ourselves

489. with the biggest and the best.

490. I mean, only pure thoroughbreds.

491. Whew, well, I appreciate you seeing the Gemstones

492. as thoroughbreds.

493. That's exactly how we see y'all too.

494. - We do. - Powerful...

495. Christian horses-type folks.

496. I mean, we have waited a long time—

497. - Oh, yeah. - To get the power from Lyle's

498. mama and daddy. - Mm-hmm.

499. Now that we have it...

500. we're gonna do so many wonderful things in His name.

501. - Mm-hmm. - That is so amazing that you

502. say that because we're about to get the reigns

503. from Jesse's daddy.

504. And we wanna do things just like this.

505. Well, pop the champagne.

506. That is wonderful news. - Yes.

507. When's your daddy planning on stepping down?

508. - Well, he did— - He didn't—

509. - We're— - He hasn't really—

510. - We're getting him there. - He's—he hasn't

511. really admitted that the time has come.

512. Yet. - We're getting him there.

513. - Close. - Mm-hmm.

514. Real close.

515. Lyle's parents were the same way.

516. - Mm-hmm. - Same generation as Eli.

517. Boomers.

518. - Mm. - Most selfish generation

519. to ever live.

520. Ooh, you said it, girl.

521. They won't get the hell out of the way

522. even when it's God's plan.

523. Okay, let's be real with one another here.

524. Parents suck.

525. - Yeah. - Couldn't agree more.

526. Parents do suck.

527. Siblings too.

528. My sister tried to pop off

529. when Daddy had his stroke.

530. Trying to act like she was running things.

531. - Just 'cause she's a nurse. - Yeah.

532. I told my sister nuh-uh.

533. Showed force, chased her ass out.

534. Got my daddy's ass into assisted living.

535. See, this is the kinda stories I need to hear.

536. - Yeah. - You gotta marginalize

537. your siblings. - Mm-hmm.

538. Firstborns lead the way when parents trip.

539. Period.

540. - Firstborns. - Both of you?

541. - Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

542. - Both of us. - No.

543. Firstborns.

544. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

545. I knew I liked them.

546. - Mm-hmm. - Can we count on your support?

547. Lissons and Gemstones making Christian tourism history?

548. Praise be.

549. - Oh! - I'll tell you what,

550. you got mine and my wife's, uh, total support.

551. - Mm-hmm. - Now technically,

552. we are gonna have to run this past my daddy.

553. Let's bring him on down to the project site.

554. - Yeah. - Ol' Lyle can kiss

555. a parent's ass like nobody's business.

556. I will butter Eli's balls and toss in a side of biscuits.

557. He could use some ball-buttering.

558. We'll get his approval.

559. So we're gonna cut all this down.

560. Wipe this maritime forest right out.

561. - Oh. - Uh-huh.

562. There is a small issue with the sea turtles.

563. Apparently this is a sanctuary.

564. They don't like bright lights or whatever.

565. That's just people being silly.

566. We'll get past that. - Ow!

567. They'll get past that, Daddy.

568. So we gonna put three towers up here.

569. And between 'em is where we'll have our splash zone,

570. adult pool, hot tubs.

571. - It's here? - Yeah.

572. Okay, so the hot tubs are near where the elephants

573. hose down Noah's ark? - That's right.

574. God, that's smart.

575. And a performance stage on the flotilla.

576. Imagine preaching with that incredible backdrop.

577. That ain't it sad it ain't a painting, brother.

578. No, that is no Thomas Kinkade, Daddy.

579. That's the real deal right there.

580. Mm-hmm.

581. God is speaking to us in these waves.

582. This is his miracle.

583. Mm-hmm, that's right, Amber.

584. God's miracle. - Smells.

585. Lot of Christians would love to visit a place like this.

586. Especially if it's all-inclusive,

587. top-notch restaurants, and a kid's club.

588. Come on now.

589. Hang on, there's kids allowed here?

590. Yeah, duh. Of course.

591. I'm not coming then, because that is an ultimate

592. and immediate vibe-killer.

593. Makes it seem dirty and cheap.

594. I don't know about that.

595. Kids mean bacteria. No thanks.

596. I'm not trying to get bacteria on me

597. when I'm trying to be sexy.

598. Judy, you can say that,

599. but I can imagine our families here.

600. Helping to bring this beauty to all Christians...

601. who can afford a two-night minimum.

602. Two-night min means you on a trip.

603. A legit vacation.

604. Nobody's doing one-night stands here, Daddy.

605. Wholesome!

606. Lyle...

607. you got a fantastic idea here.

608. Location's perfect.

609. So what do we say? Are we in?

610. We gonna do this?

611. It's beautiful.

612. Yeah.

613. But no, it's not the right time for her.

614. Oh.

615. Daddy, how can you say that?

616. You ain't even looked at the numbers yet.

617. I have! They're good!

618. Lot of zeroes. - I said my piece, Jesse.

619. But Daddy, this is a real good deal!

620. Not your call, Jesse.

621. It's mine.

622. No, it is—it's my call too.

623. Stop showing off in front of your friends, Jesse.

624. I'm not showing off!

625. You are!

626. What was that?

627. What a grand waste of time.

628. Stupid idea.

629. I got sand in my shoes.

630. He's here.

631. Come on.

632. Oh, God.

633. Kelvin, what the fuck is this?

634. Uh-oh, my mans.

635. Ew.

636. You are looking great. - Ew.

637. You are looking really good.

638. You looking swole.

639. Gross, Kelvin.

640. Party burpee!

641. Come on!

642. One more! Let's go!

643. Go in the car. I'll take care of this.

644. - Get low! - I'ma talk to him.

645. Okay, Chad in the back, you gotta work on your form.

646. All right? I don't wanna tell you again.

647. You know we can't say no to this.

648. In our mind, in our body.

649. I'm actually pretty surprised

650. at how bad you are being at business right now.

651. - Party burpee! - Jesse, you know damn well

652. the world has been upside-down.

653. Friends falling all around us.

654. Now ain't the time for growth.

655. It's time to...

656. shore up, strengthen what we got.

657. Well, I think doing a time-share resort

658. with the Lissons is a hell of a way to strengthen up.

659. But we can agree to disagree.

660. You know, this resort was very important to Amber and I.

661. And being friends with the Lissons

662. was also very important.

663. I'll tell you this much,

664. when I run this church, I will not shun allies.

665. When you run the church?

666. Don't get ahead of yourself, boy.

667. Lyle's mom and dad knew when it was time to step aside

668. and let him have a shot.

669. Look what he's doing now.

670. Making beautiful time-share resorts

671. in fucking paradise.

672. Jesse, I'm sorry your life didn't crack out

673. the way you wanted.

674. My apologies for still being alive.

675. Oh, you know what?

676. All you ever care about is building this church.

677. Cared about that more than being a daddy.

678. More than anything.

679. Even now, when it's so painfully obvious

680. it's time for you just to slow down

681. and let me have a crack at things.

682. But you won't.

683. You're gonna end up just like Granddaddy Roy.

684. If you wanna start a resort with the Lissons,

685. go right ahead.

686. Just leave me out of it!

687. Wait, so I can do it?

688. Do what you want!

689. Peabody Award-winning journalist Thaniel Block's

690. new bombshell report

691. describing a salacious sex scandal

692. involving Detroit pastor Makawon Butterfield.

693. Can't hear you.

694. This fucking beeping. - Double life.

695. - Am I on? - One of a beloved reverend

696. by day, the other,

697. a wife-swapping swinger by night.

698. Thaniel, it's safe to say that for evangelicals,

699. this is a big no-no, right?

700. Yeah, particularly for a pastor

701. like Reverend Butterfield,

702. who's been outspoken about sexual immorality in the past.

703. You know, people look to him for spiritual guidance,

704. often tithing 10% of their income.

705. These tax-exempt churches rake in millions of dollars a year.

706. - Big money. - Yes!

707. And corruption is a real concern

708. when you're talking about that kind of money.

709. This grift is as old as Christianity itself.

710. Look, I've been accused of being anti-religion.

711. No, I'm anti-hypocrisy.

712. And there are a lot more hypocrites

713. in this industry.

714. Butterfield only begins to scratch the surface.

715. You thought you could duck me, you high-falutin son of a bitch?

716. Oh, what the hell is this?

717. I followed ya.

718. Wasn't too hard with that fancy truck

719. and that personalized plate.

720. Damn it, Junior.

721. Oh, so you do remember my name.

722. I thought for a minute there I was so insignificant

723. till you'd plum forgotten I ever existed.

724. I remember you.

725. Damn, we got old.

726. I know I look like shit, but damn!

727. You look sturdy.

728. Still got that mass going on. - God!

729. What do you want?

730. I just wanted to see an old friend.

731. The older I get, the more...

732. sentimental I'm leaning.

733. Nostalgic.

734. And I can't help but thinking about

735. when you and I worked together.

736. You want money?

737. You gonna try to blackmail me?

738. Sell the story?

739. Let's not waste time here.

740. Why y'all nervous, Eli?

741. Why you being all...

742. Weird?

743. You following me, that's weird!

744. Whatever it is you're trying to pull here,

745. I don't got time for it.

746. Come on, Eli!

747. Can't old friends reconnect?

748. - Oh... - Man.

749. I—I'm busy.

750. Take care.

751. Man, me and my old man watched you rise, man.

752. Yeah, for real.

753. It was wild to see you come from

754. where we come from and do what you done.

755. My daddy was so proud of you.

756. He acted like he discovered you.

757. I don't mean to bother you.

758. I guess I just thought about you

759. probably more than you thought about me, that's all.

760. Just wanted you to know you done good!

761. Sorry if I spooked you!

762. See you around, Eli.

763. You hungry?

764. Siblings, I have summoned you here today

765. because Amber and I have won.

766. Through my powers of persuasion, I have broken Daddy down.

767. And now the writing is on the wall.

768. That old man is on his way out,

769. and I am stepping into power.

770. Y'all back me and I'll give you a good deal.

771. You'll never lead, of course.

772. But you will be able to keep your homes,

773. your automobiles.

774. - Mm. - Maintain an annual salary,

775. perhaps even a raise.

776. - Oh. - All I ask in return

777. is that you kiss the ring.

778. What ring?

779. Your ring?

780. My wedding ring.

781. You're fucking high, dude.

782. Like I'm gonna kiss that smelly ass ring

783. that's probably been shoved up Amber's pussy.

784. Oh, it's definitely been shoved up her pussy.

785. That's why kissing it is so very cool.

786. Ugh! - That—that is foul.

787. - Sick. - And boy,

788. with all the stunts you've pulled,

789. you really think in a million years

790. that Daddy would trust you to run the church?

791. Keep dreaming. - Yeah.

792. What do you know about anything?

793. All you care about these days is fucking muscles.

794. Acting like it's about God. It's not.

795. It's about being self-centered and popping boners.

796. It's about being healthy.

797. - Okay. - And if you're healthy

798. you do maintain a proper erection.

799. - That's true. - Whatever!

800. Accept my dominance or don't.

801. Doesn't matter to me.

802. The damn tides of time and winds of dust

803. are upon us.

804. My reign is nigh.

805. What the fuck did you even just say, man?

806. That made no sense to me. That sounded foreign.

807. That's not a phrase, dummy.

808. Nigh.

809. You're just both a bunch of two-bit half-rate siblings.

810. Damn Frank Stallone and fucking Stephen Baldwin

811. over here.

812. I'm Stephen Baldwin?

813. Yes, you are.

814. - Oh. - No, you fucking did not.

815. I ain't got no time for this.

816. Bye, Felicia.

817. - Okay, no. - What did he just say?

818. Mm-mm, no!

819. Did he just say "Bye, Felicia" to me?

820. Yep. Why—does—what does that mean?

821. Bye, Felicia.

822. Jesse, you will never run this family.

823. So "Bye, Felicia" to you, Jesse! - Hey.

824. Who's Felicia?

825. - You are. - No, you're Felicia.

826. Let's just all act like adults.

827. - You're Felicia. - Well, we can act like adults

828. if he's Felicia 'cause I'm not fucking Felicia!

829. - Yeah. - Felicia.

830. - No, you're Felicia! - No, it's okay.

831. - You're Felicia! - It's okay.

832. He's not worth it. Hey, hey.

833. I know, I know you're not Felicia.

834. I'm Kelvin, you're Judy, okay?

835. Yeah, I'm Judy.

836. I know you are. You want a snow cone?

837. - Mm, yeah. - Okay.

838. Okay, we'll get you a snow cone.

839. Get what you want.

840. I'm buying.

841. Thank you.

842. Well, I'm going back and forth between...

843. steak and the alfredo.

844. But since you're buying, I'm gonna take steak.

845. Get what you want.

846. Eli.

847. Check it out over your right shoulder.

848. Damn, look at that piece of tail he's with.

849. Mm, mm!

850. He's gonna go bone deep on her

851. right here in the Sticky Steven's, Eli.

852. Hey!

853. Y'all wanna tone down the romance?

854. We got kids sitting right here.

855. - What, you talking to me? - Well, just maybe show

856. your affection in a more appropriate manner.

857. How 'bout you suck my dick, Gramps?

858. - Randall! - Hey.

859. I do whatever the fuck I want, all right?

860. Now eat your noodles.

861. Fucking go back to the movie "Cocoon," all right?

862. Bye. - Not trying to offend.

863. Just looking out for the young ones.

864. Fucking guy is lucky he's still got teeth.

865. Just ignore him.

866. I'm gonna get the mahi.

867. Still wrestling?

868. Nah, just do character work, mostly.

869. I might step in and talk some shit, but...

870. No, nowadays, I'm just promoting.

871. I got a stable full of fellas I keep working.

872. Good for you.

873. That's good.

874. I wonder what my daddy might think

875. about you and I being reunited.

876. Well, he put us together.

877. He'd probably think he'd done a pretty good job.

878. Picking two men with so much to offer the world.

879. He'd try and take credit.

880. Yeah, he would.

881. You know that son of a bitch just skipped town on me one day?

882. Left me with nothing.

883. Just up and disappeared.

884. Disappeared.

885. Imagine that.

886. Your own daddy dislikes you that much.

887. Don't look at it that way, Junior.

888. That ain't gonna help you none.

889. I like to think that he made his way down to Bolivia.

890. That's what he said Butch and Sundance did.

891. They didn't die like in the movie.

892. Nah, they got to Bolivia and lived out their lives.

893. I like to think that's what he did.

894. Find himself a beautiful "in-dig-inus" senorita

895. and lived out his life down there.

896. Yeah.

897. You know, some people think I killed him.

898. Enough of that.

899. I don't need to sit here drifting while you're...

900. sitting there looking all uncomfortable.

901. Nonsense.

902. Connecting with the past is a powerful thing.

903. Let's pray, Junior.

904. Oh, Eli.

905. No offense.

906. I ain't religious.

907. Well, it's a good thing I am.

908. I'll show you what to do.

909. Let me see them hands.

910. Okay.

911. Heavenly father, thank you for bringing old friends together.

912. Please help Junior heal from the past.

913. Even though we don't understand why we endure the pain we do,

914. we trust that it is your will.

915. We are at your mercy.

916. And your mercy...

917. Shall redeem us.

918. Amen.

919. Damn.

920. Kinda nice.

921. I ended up beating him, so we can do the hotel with you.

922. We're in.

923. And we're also excited to be a hotelier with you.

924. Lates, JG.

925. Ooh, baby! It's so fucking good!

926. I'ma do an Adderall to celebrate.

927. I don't love it, but you wrote a great email,

928. so I give you my bless.

929. What the hell?

930. What?

931. Where's the littlest son we have

932. who's been coming on things?

933. - Are you boosting? - Come on, Pontius.

934. I thought you were better than this.

935. Pont, you are getting lapped right now.

936. He's got the better car, so—

937. Are you not using the nitrous or something?

938. I didn't know there was nitrous, so...

939. Gideon.

940. Come here for a second.

941. Just talk to you real quick.

942. Sure.

943. What's going on?

944. Did you talk to your brother like I asked you to?

945. Because I just found this in my pens drawer.

946. The fuck? Gross.

947. What is that? - It's Jesse boy's delicates.

948. Your brother stuffed this in my damn pens drawer!

949. I touched it with my bare fingers!

950. - Why'd you touch it? - Why didn't you talk to him

951. like I asked you to? - I tried.

952. I swear to God, I tried.

953. I could not figure out a way to bring it up, man.

954. You wanna be a preacher, don't you?

955. - Uh... - Shut up, you do.

956. - Okay. - If you're gonna be a preacher,

957. you gotta be able to talk about anything, all right?

958. Even if it makes us uncomfortable.

959. When we stop doing that...

960. mm-hmm.

961. People burn in hell.

962. Watch and learn.

963. You want me to come in there with you?

964. - Yes! - Okay.

965. 'Sup, sup? Guys, little men, what's up?

966. - 'Sup. - 'Sup.

967. Glad you said 'sup first, Pontius, because I need you

968. to take the computer goggles off your face and exit for a moment.

969. I-I'm in the middle of a game.

970. I'll play your turn. Get up right now.

971. Take a hike.

972. Don't make me say it again.

973. Okay, don't make me get mad at you.

974. Abraham.

975. This chair's a trip, yo.

976. Do you need help?

977. What did he do to it?

978. Did he break it?

979. Shit. - You gotta—

980. Dad, you have to put one— - Shh. I got it, I got it.

981. Go ahead and hit pause on the game system there, blood.

982. Like to rap with you for a second if I could.

983. Why were your delicates crammed in my pens drawer, Abraham?

984. It's not what you think.

985. Seems to me it's exactly what I think.

986. It's crusty and crinkling

987. and discolored.

988. I mean, you're just inside your room, I guess,

989. having nocturnal emissions all day long, okay?

990. From the amount of garments I've found

991. stuffed around this house, it's very disrespectful.

992. Abraham, let me ask you a question.

993. Do you know what really happens when a boy...

994. does the stuff to himself to...

995. to make the come stuff into the underwear?

996. When those hands of yours touch your privates,

997. an alarm goes off in heaven.

998. Okay? And every loved one

999. you've ever known that's dead,

1000. they are alerted.

1001. They float to where you are, they join hands,

1002. and they watch you be dirty to yourself.

1003. - Like Grandma? - Yep, she watches.

1004. Great-granddaddy Roy.

1005. Great-grandmama.

1006. Even some relatives you've never even met before

1007. like ancient ones from the Revolutionary War times.

1008. Ghosts that will watch you and be ashamed

1009. of what you're doing to yourself,

1010. of how you're being dirty and provocative

1011. to your private parts.

1012. You understand?

1013. When people see you do something bad...

1014. it's hard for them to see you any other way.

1015. I want you to remember that.

1016. Yes, sir.

1017. Now are there any other...

1018. questions you have for me?

1019. Birds and the bees?

1020. Morning woods, peckers, anything that you wanna discuss

1021. or ask me about?

1022. Well, there is one thing

1023. that I'm still curious about.

1024. Are we still doing that hotel thing?

1025. Yes, my son.

1026. We are now officially hoteliers.

1027. Oh, Granddad said yes?

1028. Course he did.

1029. He knew he couldn't stand in my way.

1030. Yeah, your granddaddy ain't half the shitkicker he used to be.

1031. Mercy, I guess he does do whatever he wants.

1032. Okay, bye.

1033. You have terrific tits.

1034. Thanks for the cheese enchiladas.

1035. Cue ball, scratch in a corner pocket.

1036. Bet you two queefs haven't seen action like that in years.

1037. Next time, keep the comments to yourself.

1038. We don't want any trouble, friend.

1039. You made your point.

1040. That's what I thought, bitch!

1041. Don't wanna run your mouth, huh?

1042. How dare you talk to us like that, you big old slab of meat.

1043. - Come on, Junior. - No.

1044. No, you don't know who you're messing with.

1045. Jesus.

1046. We're from fucking Memphis, asshole.

1047. We stuff twinks like you full of rocks

1048. and sink you in the Missi-fucking-ssippi.

1049. You know, you're lucky...

1050. I don't murder you right fucking now.

1051. Or send some of my badass friends

1052. to go do it—find your fucking house,

1053. slay your whole fucking family.

1054. How 'bout that, asshole?

1055. - Come on, Junior. - Yeah.

1056. That's what I'm gonna do.

1057. I'ma take a photograph of your license plate

1058. with my telephone, send it to my friends,

1059. who will get your address from the DMV, come to your house

1060. and fuck you up, you motherfucker!

1061. Oh!

1062. Junior!

1063. Oh, my God.

1064. Junior! Junior!

1065. Hope you're wearing your diapers, old man.

1066. Oh, come on. You didn't have to do that.

1067. Stay down there and drool, doggy.

1068. Oh, man.

1069. Ooh, whee!

1070. Finish him off, Maniac.

1071. Take him down.

1072. Yeah!

1073. Yeah! Do it again!

1074. Oh, stop, stop, stop! Please!

1075. Please, please, please! - Oh, yeah.

1076. There we go! - Stop! No, no, no, no!

1077. Please! - Ladies and gentlemen,

1078. the Maniac Kid!

1079. Come on, Maniac!

1080. Stop it!

1081. Please!

1082. Do it!

1083. Yeah!

1084. Yeah!

1085. Mofo.

1086. That hurt.

1087. Let's go.