The Politician 1x8

1. I was in a cab the other day.

2. Um, one of those yellow cars you use to get places when you can't find an Uber.

3. - And, uh, I asked my driver,

4. I said, "When do I become a real New Yorker?"

5. You know? I've been here for three years.

6. I have eaten pretzels on the street.

7. I have seen the Christmas lights at Saks Fifth Avenue.

8. I have stumbled home at 4:00 a.m. after all of the bars have closed.

9. - Many times. Um...

10. "But, you know, I'm only a student at NYU," I said.

11. "But I like it here.

12. I really like it here, and so,

13. I want to know when do I get to say that I am really from New York?"

14. Thank you very much.

15. And so, my driver looked at me through the rearview mirror.

16. He said, "It's just like everything else in life.

17. It's real when you say it,

18. and you believe it's true."

19. Anyways, until then, here's one of my favorite songs.

20. Uh, I would like to dedicate it

21. to two of my friends who are in from out of town.

22. - Whoo!

23. - Yes!

24. Go, Payton!

25. Okay, but, uh, here's the thing, Cold Spring Harbor, first album,

26. Billy Joel's already a genius. But if we're talking about

27. when did he become the greatest songwriter of the 20th century,

28. - probably The Stranger, right?

29. Okay, can I just say I'm very glad that you did not have to go to jail?

30. My lawyer was a genius.

31. Six months home detention

32. and they made me take anger management courses

33. as part of my plea deal.

34. I was on a Mormon mission in Honduras digging wells last month.

35. Now I'm back and I'm at Vassar.

36. It's cool, but, man, some of those girls are just so militant.

37. Wait, hold on. How did you guys become friends again too, you guys?

38. We met at the photo shoot for Vanity Fair.

39. - Remember? - Oh, yes. Yes.

40. A very nice article.

41. Not particularly generous about me,

42. but you two came off pretty well.

43. For the record, I was totally misquoted.

44. Me too! Oh, yeah.

45. Well, I got a pretty hefty advance for my book deal,

46. so I've been living off that mostly.

47. What's really funny is how little I have to spend my own money.

48. I mean, people are giving me, like, more free stuff than ever.

49. Whoa.

50. What happened to the one you were dating, the psycho guy?

51. You remember, the psycho guy who poisoned me with the possums.

52. - Do you remember? - Ricardo, he's...

53. in prison.

54. - Oh. Oh. - Mm-hmm.

55. He joined the prison theater troupe. They're doing Guys and Dolls.

56. - Oh, my God. I love that show. - I love Guys and Dolls.

57. He got cast as Sky Masterson.

58. Yeah. Told him I'd come to the performance, but...

59. that was a lie. I'm not really gonna go.

60. What about you, Payton? Do they have student government at NYU?

61. Let's get him home.

62. No one knows what you're talking about.

63. Sorry I threw up. Sometimes it helps, know what I mean?

64. - You got him? - Sometimes it's just...

65. - Great jeepers. - I am so sorry, James.

66. It's okay, we're used to it. He stumbles home drunk every night.

67. - The left leg, lift the right.

68. - All right, come on. - Sorry.

69. - Sit up for me. - Okay.

70. - But you know what I mean? Like if... - Who's that?

71. - Lay down. - Khai Zhi.

72. Don't worry, he can sleep through anything.

73. Good.

74. Take my hat off.

75. Thank you, it was itching me.

76. - There you go. - Thank you.

77. Jesus, Payton, what happened to you?

78. I don't know.

79. No. No. This isn't the right color.

80. Yes, it is. What are you talking about? Look on the bottom.

81. MAC Lustre Politely Pink.

82. Well, I can't read this.

83. It's too tiny. Look at my lips.

84. What's wrong with them? They look fabulous.

85. Liar! You can't even see them!

86. God, it's just like they're— like they're sucked up into my face.

87. They're— They're the lips of a corpse.

88. Ah-ha! You're right.

89. This is MAC Lustre Pretty Please.

90. And, yes, it does wash you out,

91. so it goes right in the garbage. And let me root around here for... Aah!

92. Here's your Politely Pink.

93. - Thank you. - Oh, my God.

94. Who knew you'd be so head up over meeting a senator-elect from Texas?

95. Yes, he's cute, but you are a married woman,

96. - Leader Standish. - Shut up.

97. What's the, uh, word on S5349?

98. We have Hanron and Connelly, yes,

99. the governor wants it on his desk to sign by Friday.

100. Jesus Lord, I am— I am shaking.

101. It's like On Golden Pond here.

102. Give it to me.

103. Look, forget about State Bill 5349.

104. Forget about the governor, he's a dick.

105. - Let's take a breath...

106. - ... and get in the game. - We don't even know what the game is.

107. What is he even doing here?

108. Why does the junior senator from Texas

109. want to meet the majority leader of the New York State Senate?

110. Blot.

111. I dunno.

112. But I sure as hell am curious.

113. Meanwhile, look at those lips.

114. - Eat your heart out, Brigitte Bardot.

115. Now, granted, we don't know what this meeting is,

116. but I get the feeling that your somewhat stark difference of opinion

117. about Roe v. Wade might end up being a rather large elephant

118. sitting in the corner of the room and farting.

119. If he brings up Roe,

120. I will tell him that the position he took on the campaign was a disgrace.

121. He embraced every right-wing talking point of the last 35 years,

122. basically agreeing that Roe v. Wade was a poorly decided case,

123. which was an argument that the Republicans only landed on

124. ten years after the fact when they realized

125. that a constitutional amendment was never going to happen,

126. because roughly 70% of Americans...

127. - ... support reproductive rights. - Yes, or...

128. we could hope that it doesn't come up,

129. or maybe make the choice not to bring it up.

130. Ha.

131. State Senator Standish, thank you so much for coming.

132. Thank you. How nice to see you.

133. The senator-elect is right this way.

134. Thank you very much.

135. Oh, I'm sorry. If you don't mind just waiting outside?

136. I need to be in on this meeting.

137. The senator-elect just wants to speak with State Senator Standish.

138. Well, actually, it's "Leader Standish" because she's majority leader,

139. but otherwise it would be "Senator Standish,"

140. not "State Senator Standish."

141. Which is splitting hairs and rude, don't you think?

142. My apologies. The senator-elect wants to speak with Leader Standish alone,

143. - so if you don't mind— - Oh, excuse me.

144. You know that saying, "Behind every great woman is another great woman"?

145. I'm who that saying is referring to.

146. No, I've never heard that.

147. - Okay. - I don't think that's what that saying—

148. Shut your silly face and let's take a step back for a second.

149. Your boss is a US senator from Texas, not Christ himself,

150. and certainly not the boy in the bubble whose immune system will collapse

151. if someone walks into the room who has a cold, am I right?

152. - Ma'am, you're just gonna have to wait. - No. Let's take yet another step back.

153. - Do you know who I am? No. - Mmm.

154. Okay. My name is Hadassah Gold,

155. and I have been Dede Standish's chief of staff

156. since the Earth's crust was cooling. Okay?

157. I've been in meetings since before you could focus your eyes

158. long enough to find your penis.

159. Now we can either stand here and keep having this inane conversation,

160. after which, I promise you, I will make a silent pledge

161. to the prophet Elijah to do everything in my power to make certain

162. that your professional life is as brief as possible,

163. or you can open the door like a gentleman.

164. And when the good senator from Texas fires you for being rude

165. to sassy, brassy, wise old broads like yours truly,

166. and don't think I won't play that card,

167. I promise you can come and work for me.

168. Okay, fine.

169. Thank you.

170. Guess that's the way my mama raised me, you know?

171. And forgive me for asking all these questions,

172. but I'm a straight shooter. I don't wanna be wasting your time.

173. It's no problem at all.

174. Well, then, can I ask you:

175. what is your opinion on a woman's right to choose?

176. Oh, well, Senator, I think you know what my opinion is.

177. I guess what I mean is what is your opinion of my opinion

178. on a woman's right to choose?

179. I didn't hear every comment you made on the campaign trail,

180. but what I did hear, I disagreed with almost entirely.

181. You see, I believe the right to privacy is implicit in the 14th Amendment.

182. I happen to agree with you.

183. I— What— I beg your pardon?

184. I'm the first Democrat to be elected senator in the state of Texas

185. in 25 years.

186. To do that, I had to tack right on some issues

187. and say some things that weren't exactly what I believed.

188. If folks knew the truth, it makes it real hard to get reelected in Texas.

189. But... I won't be running for reelection.

190. That's not the office I'm aiming for.

191. Cream, no sugar, right?

192. Right.

193. In eight months, I'll be launching an exploratory committee

194. for a presidential run.

195. Except there's nothing to explore.

196. I'm running.

197. And I'm gonna win.

198. But...

199. I need your help.

200. Doing what?

201. You're gonna be my running mate.

202. Whoa! Oh-ho-ho.

203. Whoa, whoa. Hold on!

204. - Hadassah Gold, chief of staff— - I can win Texas.

205. I proved that already.

206. All I have to prove is I can win New York and California.

207. You can make that happen.

208. I'm sorry, but I'm a state senator.

209. From New York City with bona fides in the Rust Belt.

210. You brought that Tesla Gigafactory to Buffalo,

211. proving you can bring a manufacturing city into the 21st century

212. and build a national profile doing it, and you're connected to Wall Street.

213. I need to prove to the financial sector I can be trusted.

214. Now, you're a member of the legislature, that's not great.

215. It means you're a political insider, but an insider in Albany...

216. not Washington.

217. In fact, you've never worked in Washington,

218. and I think we can spin that to work in our favor.

219. Uh— I'm speechless.

220. I'm just— I'm very flattered. But I—

221. What about, I mean, it's so early.

222. Campaigns don't vet their running mates until right before the convention.

223. Well, I'm doing things differently.

224. I want the voters to know I'm decisive.

225. I've done my homework.

226. You know? I'll be ready to go on day one.

227. I think it's a good story too. We'll campaign as a team, two for one.

228. The liberal New Yorker with a lifetime of experience

229. standing behind the good-looking young firebrand with bold new ideas

230. from the great state of Texas.

231. I honestly don't think we can lose.

232. When do you need an answer?

233. Oh, come on. There's no way you're saying no.

234. What I need to know is this:

235. is there any reason...

236. why I shouldn't pick you?

237. Everybody's got skeletons in the closet and I need to know what yours are.

238. If I may...

239. Nice to meet you, by the way.

240. Can I just say...

241. Senator Standish is about to run

242. for her 13th consecutive term in the New York State Senate.

243. Her last three campaigns, she ran unopposed.

244. The Republican Party has stopped fielding a candidate to run against her,

245. because no opponent has managed to find an ounce of dirt on this woman

246. or her family.

247. Senator, I give you my word...

248. Dede Standish, squeaky clean.

249. Well, Senator.

250. What do you say?

251. You wanna make history?

252. You've got yourself a deal.

253. What do they call the vice president's spouse?

254. Second Lady?

255. I think so.

256. Well, then what will that make me? Um...

257. Second Gentleman? Uh... Oh!

258. - Second Dude?

259. It's not a done deal yet.

260. He still has to get the nomination.

261. - Hmm. - A lot can happen between now and then.

262. - That's true. - Oh!

263. But he will.

264. Oh...

265. I thought I lost the ability to get excited about politics.

266. Governing still turns me on,

267. but it's just been so easy for so long in terms of campaigning, but...

268. running...

269. for...

270. vice president!

271. A heartbeat away from the most powerful job in the world.

272. The first woman VP.

273. Now that's a campaign I can get excited about.

274. And it's not just about having power...

275. it's about making history.

276. - Mmm... - "Herstory."

277. You deserve it, honey.

278. Come, come, come. Ahh...

279. Oh, you are both...

280. so good to me.

281. How are you planning on...

282. on keeping all this from getting out?

283. You mean— You mean our thrupple?

284. I mean, we've been doing fine for almost ten years.

285. Because I went to prep school with the publisher of the Post,

286. and we have that catch and kill deal with The Enquirer.

287. And Dede may be the most powerful person in New York State,

288. but she's still just a local politician.

289. Now there's gonna be hundreds of millions of dollars

290. and Super PAC oppo research being thrown at you, sweetheart.

291. You're worried we're going to break it off with you.

292. I am the only one here without a ring on his finger.

293. - No! - No.

294. I'll admit when we first started up with this,

295. I saw you as the price to pay to keep my husband happy.

296. Right?

297. I'm no hypocrite.

298. But I couldn't have him stepping out on me.

299. Can you imagine the scandal?

300. So, yes, we brought you into our lives as a third wheel,

301. but it's not like that anymore.

302. Neither of us

303. - can imagine being without you. - Mmm.

304. You're family, William.

305. Hear, hear.

306. And who's to say we can't be two Second Gentlemen?

307. It's one step at a time with this Tino business.

308. Tomorrow we start planning,

309. tonight we celebrate

310. the only way we know how.

311. With a nice...

312. long...

313. Devil's...

314. Triangle.

315. - Mmm. - Mmm.

316. Hi, I'm looking for Sherry Dougal.

317. Oh, sorry. I'm McAfee Westbrook, we spoke on the phone.

318. I'm your new campaign staffer.

319. I'll show you around.

320. The senator doesn't come to the office often.

321. Not at all really.

322. The senator doesn't go to her campaign office?

323. That's the chief of staff's office. Don't go in there.

324. - Whose offices are these? - Oh, someone's got a lot of questions.

325. Don't go in there either.

326. This is your office. That's your computer.

327. Our entire voter database is on there, so whatever you do,

328. do not unplug it, okay?

329. The password is "intern."

330. You know how to work Windows 99, right?

331. No.

332. You'll figure it out.

333. It's just like Windows 95.

334. These need to go out to all 300,000 members of the 27th District, okay?

335. So you just take one of these

336. and you put it on one of these.

337. Voilà. See? Easy. And I even did the first one for you.

338. Now, the election is November 6th,

339. so we want these in the mail the first week of October,

340. so you've got time.

341. You could curl up under the desk and take a nap for all I care,

342. just don't bother anybody, okay?

343. Oh, the bathroom key is at my desk.

344. You take it and you swipe it against the sensor and the door unlocks.

345. Wait, that's it?

346. Yeah, it's an electronic thing. You swipe it, it unlocks the door.

347. No, I mean this, the mailers.

348. This is the campaign?

349. Yeah.

350. But the first week of October, that's two weeks after the primaries.

351. Dede Standish hasn't been primaried in 20 years.

352. She won't even have an opponent in the general.

353. The only reason she's even mailing out a flyer

354. is because there's an Instaprints in her district that Staples is killing,

355. and she likes to take care of small businesses.

356. I wanna talk to your boss.

357. - Excuse me? - Hadassah Gold, I wanna talk to her.

358. Yeah, well, you can't.

359. Oh, God. Where are you going?

360. Mmm. I dunno.

361. This is very orange.

362. Stop! Jesus!

363. - What? No!

364. Hadassah, I'm so sorry!

365. - Who are you? - I'm McAfee Westbrook.

366. I'm your new campaign staffer.

367. Why are you stopping?

368. - Wha— What's your name? - McAfee Westbrook.

369. Oh, your— your first name is a last name?

370. I hate that.

371. I didn't name myself.

372. You know what? I just had my first grandson.

373. You know what they named him?

374. Jagger.

375. I was holding him in my arms when they told me.

376. nearly threw him out the window.

377. I didn't, of course. That would be a heinous crime.

378. What do you think you're doing barging in here like this?

379. Okay, um, well, first a little background: I just graduated from Columbia

380. with a double major in PoliSci and Statistics.

381. I don't care.

382. And I did it in three years, which sucked.

383. Like, I slept four hours a night, I had no friends, and I never went out.

384. I don't care. Honey, that's on you.

385. Why would you do such a thing? What gave you that idea?

386. Because I wanted to work for Senator Standish.

387. She's a brilliant woman and a fantastic politician.

388. She turned the whole state government around.

389. Unemployment numbers statewide are high, but I see that as a marker of success

390. as it indicates that people who've dropped out of the job market

391. are returning to the workforce.

392. Stop! Oh, my God, you talk way too fast.

393. But this isn't a 21st century campaign.

394. - Campaign? - This isn't even a 20th century campaign.

395. - Campaign? - This is a late 18th century campaign.

396. Okay!

397. Allow me to break it down for you a little.

398. First of all, don't bullshit me.

399. Nobody wakes up and says, "Ooh, I want to work for a state senator."

400. You want to work on Capitol Hill or the White House,

401. and you think this job is a stepping stone.

402. - No— No—

403. I'm not done breaking it down for you.

404. Please allow me to further break it down for you.

405. The reason we don't have a multimillion-dollar reelection campaign

406. up and running is because we don't need one.

407. As per forever and a day, Dede Standish is running unopposed.

408. Why is she running unopposed?

409. Because she has a proven record of accomplishments

410. that resonate with the voter.

411. How did we get that record?

412. By putting all our efforts into governing as opposed to campaigning,

413. thereby obviating the very need for a campaign. You see?

414. It's one of those Zen Buddhist chicken and egg type situations.

415. I don't care about your opinions.

416. I don't care about what fancy school you went to

417. or how many boys you didn't bang while you were there.

418. As long as you got a passing grade...

419. in Affixing a Label to a Flyer 101,

420. I will allow you to go back to your office

421. and do what you were hired to do and told to do,

422. and in return, I will write you a very nice letter of recommendation

423. for your next internship in Washington,

424. which will undoubtedly be in a lobbying firm on K Street.

425. Now please exit my office,

426. and never utter a word in my vicinity again.

427. Get it?

428. Good.

429. Mari, you've gotta do something about these nails. I've got ridges.

430. Ridges, I tell you!

431. You've got to fill them in or do something.

432. Why are you up? Are you pulling an all-nighter?

433. I didn't want to risk you seeing this alone.

434. This is an invitation to Alice's wedding.

435. To a guy named Thad.

436. Who's Thad?

437. The guy that Alice is marrying, apparently.

438. I didn't even know that she was dating anyone.

439. - When was the last time you talked to her? - Oh, I don't remember.

440. A while.

441. A year maybe, or two. It's been a while.

442. It hurt more to talk than not to.

443. Is this calligraphy done by hand?

444. I would assume so.

445. I screwed up everything in my life.

446. My ambition...

447. just poisoned every decision.

448. Pick Infinity for the VP,

449. ignore Dusty's lies,

450. break up with Alice.

451. That day with River in his house...

452. The day he killed himself?

453. I was so mad at him.

454. I was so unkind.

455. It was all about me.

456. Should've just...

457. shut up and listened for once in my life.

458. Are you gonna go to the wedding?

459. What's the difference?

460. Khai Zhi?

461. You're awake?

462. Of course I'm awake. How can I sleep with all the self-pity in the room?

463. I don't think I've ever heard you speak before.

464. Do you still love her?

465. Yes.

466. Well, then, sober up and go get her.

467. I like this song.

468. You're a dick. Okay?

469. I've been playing in that place for three years,

470. and all you ever do is bus dishes and avoid me.

471. What do you want me to do, come up and harmonize?

472. Hey, this is a good call.

473. Making your play for Alice.

474. I've been worried about you. You drink too much.

475. She's the love of my life, and I'm sober now.

476. I'm more than sober. I'm awake.

477. I've been rudderless, and now I have a purpose.

478. That purpose arrived in an embossed linen envelope.

479. - And the calligraphy was beautiful. - Yeah.

480. I felt the pain when I saw the invitation.

481. I— I feel everything now.

482. Maybe that's why you keep me at a distance.

483. You don't need me as much as you used to.

484. Yeah, what are you exactly? You're my— You're my conscience?

485. No, I'm your shadow. Remember?

486. Shadow, right.

487. Right. Jung, my dark side.

488. Except with you, your dark side, the part you're trying to hide,

489. is the part that feels things.

490. Why do you think I feel everything so much now?

491. When I used to have such a hard time... feeling anything?

492. 'Cause you've lost your ambition.

493. - Mmm. - When you were a politician,

494. you didn't have the luxury of having your own feelings.

495. They got in the way of you figuring out the most strategic way of handling things.

496. If it served the campaign to feel mad or sad or guilty, you did.

497. So I have to be a loser to be able to feel things?

498. I'm not sure yet.

499. Okay, well...

500. what do you think?

501. I think you should pull over at the next Dunkin' Donuts

502. - to get another giant iced coffee...

503. and that I like this song.

504. You know, you could just call her.

505. No. No, no, no.

506. That's not how this sort of thing is supposed to go, okay?

507. Here's what happens:

508. I'll see her, then she'll be like, "Whoa! How did you find me?"

509. I'll be like, "I know you so well that I was able to deduce

510. exactly what class you'd be coming out of at this moment.

511. Ethical Reasoning 18, Classical Chinese Political and Ethical Reasoning.

512. There's no way you weren't taking that class."

513. And then she'll realize that no one knows her as well as I do,

514. and that we're meant to be together.

515. Yeah, I think you should just call her.

516. Wait a minute, wait.

517. There she is.

518. Wow. What do you know?

519. Okay.

520. - Go get your girl.

521. Thad!

522. You're the best thing in the whole world, thank you so much.

523. Uh, you know what? Let's get outta here, okay?

524. I don't want her to see me.

525. Payton?

526. Oh, should I...

527. Yeah, I'll just—

528. - Oh, my God!

529. What are you doing here?

530. Well, that's— I didn't mean— You go here, so never mind.

531. Uh, Payton, this is Thad, my fiancé.

532. Hey. It's nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you.

533. It's firm.

534. - Um...

535. Do you want me to just—

536. - Yea— Yeah, if you wouldn't mind. - Yeah, sure.

537. Oh, no. You don't have to do—

538. I was just gonna go check out the Freedom Trail, so...

539. - Uh... - Okay. All right.

540. - I'll see you later. Okay. - See you in a bit. Nice to meet you.

541. Would you maybe want to get a cup of coffee?

542. How's your mother?

543. Good. She's good.

544. She's at a monastery in Bhutan, uh, up in the Himalayas,

545. she is paving mountain roads by hand.

546. Bhutan?

547. Yes, uh, she heard that the Bhutanese were the happiest nation on Earth,

548. and so she took that as a kind of dare.

549. She thought she could make them happier.

550. How are you?

551. Fine.

552. I talked to James. He says you're an alcoholic.

553. What? Come on, that's...

554. that's such a loaded term. I don't really know what that means.

555. It means someone who's addicted to alcohol.

556. Okay, well, then... no.

557. I mean, dipsomania. That's probably a better way of describing it.

558. It's like I have one drink and then I want five drinks,

559. which actually isn't that uncommon

560. and really isn't a sign of a drinking problem.

561. That's a textbook sign that someone has a drinking problem.

562. Yeah, well, I haven't had a drink in a week anyways, okay?

563. And— And I really don't think that I will start again.

564. Something in me has changed, okay?

565. I really— I wish you could believe me because I really feel it.

566. So, you like NYU?

567. - How are your grades? - Okay, why him?

568. Look, I'm sorry, but— but he looks like a proper douchebag.

569. Don't marry him.

570. Why would you say that?

571. I screwed this up. Okay?

572. I screwed it up so badly. It is my fault and I apologize.

573. I should've turned back that day in the hallway.

574. In fact, I never should've agreed to break up in the first place.

575. The wedding is next week, Payton.

576. So? Just take my hand, okay? Take my hand.

577. Run away with me.

578. We'll hop on a Greyhound bus and we will just go wherever it's headed.

579. You know? We'll start over.

580. That's the last scene of The Graduate, Payton,

581. and if you think that's a happy ending, you should maybe watch it again.

582. Okay, well, why him?

583. Really, Payton?

584. Because he's a good person.

585. He's— Okay.

586. And he's good for me. Our families get along.

587. Mm-hmm. So, there's three words that I'm not hearing.

588. I love him, Payton. I do.

589. You will never love him the way you love me.

590. Well, you will never love me...

591. the way that Thad does.

592. That's...

593. that's not true.

594. And honestly, I've sort of come to believe

595. that the way I love you really isn't healthy.

596. It's more of an illness

597. that you spend your whole life learning how to live with.

598. We never should've gotten back together in high school.

599. I don't think I ever really got over you betraying me.

600. Me betraying you? Weren't you the one sleeping with my best friend?

601. Sex has nothing to do with loyalty.

602. We're not our parents.

603. Why didn't you look back, Payton?

604. I asked you for one thing.

605. When we pass each other in the hallways, look back so I know we're okay.

606. But you didn't.

607. Why?

608. Because your plan was working.

609. Because I didn't want anyone to see us or doubt our story.

610. It was just politics.

611. God, I'm so sorry, Alice.

612. But— But, look, I am telling you,

613. I am different now, okay? Look at me.

614. I can feel things. It took hitting rock bottom to get there,

615. and my rock bottom was the thought of losing you.

616. But I see now...

617. that this was a gift to fall this far because I finally can feel.

618. And when we are back together and I'm back on top,

619. I know I'll still be able to feel this way.

620. I'm so glad to see you so emotionally healthy, Payton.

621. I really am.

622. But I cannot do this.

623. I'm not walking out on a four-million-dollar wedding.

624. I'm not gonna be disowned by my parents

625. and break the heart of the sweetest boy I've ever met.

626. - Don't do this. - No, don't you do this, Payton.

627. Don't make me seem like the bad guy

628. when you're the reason that this has happened.

629. Everything could've been different.

630. Now it's too late.

631. - No, it's never too late. It's never too— - Yes, Payton. It is.

632. I'm marrying Thad.

633. I'm sorry.

634. I'll always love you.

635. Alice...

636. Maybe we can have an affair or something.

637. Hey, Payton.

638. What are you doing here?

639. We have a proposition.

640. I had the same reaction when McAfee told me.

641. We're talking about maybe the most powerful woman in the state.

642. Almost three decades of creating a firewall of journalistic allies,

643. solid union and neighborhood voting blocs,

644. quid pro quos with deep-pocketed industry and business leaders.

645. She's got the influential priests, rabbis, and imams on her side.

646. She's a juggernaut.

647. I understand why she's run unopposed for the last three cycles.

648. It would be insane to go up against her.

649. Then I told him about going to try to volunteer for her campaign.

650. There isn't one.

651. Just a big, basically unstaffed office where the most advanced software they have

652. - is the key to the bathroom. - Windows 99.

653. They're lazy and arrogant.

654. She's vulnerable.

655. Not to a typical opponent; to a young campaign that is hungry,

656. technologically savvy, telegenic.

657. To a once in a generation candidate.

658. Mm-hmm. Right, well, did you bring any marshmallows?

659. For roasting over the open fire?

660. Are you drunk?

661. What?

662. No, I'm on the wagon.

663. Almost two weeks.

664. - Congrats. - Yeah, that's fantastic.

665. Thanks.

666. There's no fire here, Payton.

667. Exactly, all right?

668. You guys, the candidate you're looking for is long gone.

669. Okay? The fire in me has gone out.

670. Okay? I am done with politics.

671. Well, don't you understand that the reason for all of the drinking and crooning

672. and whining is because that fire's out?

673. That fire defines you.

674. You're a politician, Payton. A great one.

675. You're rudderless without a campaign.

676. Maybe— Maybe so, but you're asking me to set sail on the Titanic.

677. This race is winnable, and we can prove it to you.

678. All we need is one great issue.

679. The MTA is the laughingstock of the free world.

680. It is consistently voted the worst mass transit system in the universe.

681. And do you know who is the chairwoman of the appropriations committee

682. - in charge of the funding for the subway? - Mmm?

683. The person who, under the right circumstances,

684. could become the face of that hell down there.

685. You don't need to beat her entire political career,

686. you just need to crush her on one relatable,

687. marketable, repeatable issue.

688. Politics 101.

689. Look, you guys, thank you for trying.

690. Honestly. And you're the best friends, the best.

691. And I love you, but...

692. but I'm gonna pass.

693. Just think about it for a few days.

694. All right, but my answer isn't gonna change, okay?

695. This is not a winnable race, and frankly,

696. I don't think that any are with me as the candidate.

697. Look, you guys, I'm really grateful that you still believe in me.

698. Problem is, I don't.

699. Okay, Johnny.

700. Today is my day.

701. You know what we need to do.

702. Now, what were Wollstonecraft's primary arguments?

703. Number one, women should be allowed to enter the fields

704. - of medicine and politics.

705. Particularly noteworthy

706. - when we realize that in 1792... - Hello?

707. only three percent of the people living in England and Wales

708. - were eligible to vote. - Are you serious?

709. Hell, yeah.

710. I'm on my way.

711. for having sex before marriage, maybe men should be as well.

712. Number three, girls and boys should be co-educated.

713. I don't appreciate your tone, young lady.

714. I have an influential mommy blog.

715. So I would like to speak with your manager.

716. Okay, ma'am. I don't think you want to speak to the manager, 'cause he's a prick.

717. But Todd over here is gonna say exactly what I just did.

718. You can't return something that you've already eaten.

719. - Ma'am.

720. Hang on.

721. Hello?

722. Yeah?

723. Okay, I'm in.

724. But there's something you need to know.

725. Hello? Hi.

726. Look, I can't really talk right now.

727. Sweetie, please sit still.

728. He what?

729. Really?

730. Sweetie, the music's started.

731. Okay, let's do this. Okay.

732. Uh...

733. I'm gonna have to call you back.

734. Payton's running for State Senate.

735. Oh, jeez. What a dickhead.

736. I just thank God that kid is finally out of the picture.

737. - Yeah. - Yeah.

738. Are you ready?

739. Yeah.

740. - Dearly beloved— - I'm so sorry.

741. We have to put this on hold.

742. Alice, wait!

743. Sweetheart, what are you doing?

744. Maybe she just had to use the bathroom.

745. Alice! Alice!

746. - Alice! - What are you doing?

747. Alice!

748. Hey!

749. Hey!

750. - Hey!

751. Get me to New York, stat.

752. Diet Coke.

753. Well, I guess you got promoted from busboy.

754. Hmm.

755. How long has it been?

756. Fifteen days.

757. Good for you.

758. You know, I've been waiting for this moment.

759. For you to get your head screwed back on straight.

760. - So you think that I should run. - Against Standish?

761. It's a gutsy play.

762. Yeah, it's more foolhardy than brave.

763. I mean, yes, sure, the MTA's a mess, but it's not enough.

764. All right, maybe, maybe,

765. if she had one juicy weakness that we could exploit,

766. then maybe, but we would still have to run the perfect campaign

767. and just get really lucky.

768. She's unbeatable.

769. Which means if you beat her,

770. you're right back on your way to the presidency.

771. I'm scared.

772. Of losing?

773. Don't be.

774. There's more honor in defeat than there is in unused potential.

775. I know. It's more than that though. Um...

776. I like feeling things.

777. It hurts,

778. but I like it, and I'm scared that if I run a new campaign...

779. I'll just stop being able to feel again.

780. Well...

781. there's no such thing as destiny.

782. Just men like you, who when the world needs them,

783. answer the call.

784. Sorry it took so long.

785. I had to reload the syrup into the machine.

786. Thanks.

787. Oh, this is an intervention.

788. Isn't it? You guys.

789. You guys, I've told you already, okay? I quit drinking.

790. - You can smell my breath. It's Diet Coke. - You're running.

791. You're doing it and we're all here to help.

792. Guys, I— Is that your wedding dress?

793. You didn't walk out on your wedding to be here, did you?

794. That's a separate conversation, but...

795. yes, I did.

796. We're all willing to put our lives on hold here.

797. Wow, um... That's...

798. I mean, thank you.

799. Um, I'm so excited at the prospect of you and I maybe starting fresh.

800. But you guys. You're not thinking rationally here, okay?

801. Listen...

802. this is your destiny, Payton.

803. Opportunities like this only come once, do you understand?

804. We've all been feeling like there was something missing in our lives,

805. and what's been missing is something we can believe in.

806. You just have to try, dude.

807. You're never gonna forgive yourself if you don't.

808. Okay, I...

809. Okay, how do I— How do I put this? Um...

810. I can't tell you how much it means to me that you guys are all here.

811. And I hear what you're saying, I really do.

812. But I am not gonna jump into a race that I can't win,

813. and I'm telling you, I cannot win this race.

814. Okay? Dede Standish is a 12-term incumbent

815. running with the full support of the Democratic Party apparatus.

816. Astrid, why don't you tell him?

817. Jesus.

818. Dede Standish is in a three-way marriage.

819. I beg your pardon?

820. I was catering a fundraiser for muscular dystrophy,

821. and I saw it with my own eyes.

822. Ladies and gentlemen, Senator Dede Standish!

823. State Senator Dede Standish is in a thrupple.

824. There's no such thing as destiny.

825. Just men like you, who when the world needs them,

826. answer the call.

827. All right.

828. Let's do it.

829. HDMI 3, what the hell does that mean? I just want regular TV!

830. Okay, well, then, my question is

831. why am I just learning about this now?

832. No! I don't want iTunes!

833. Jesus, we can put a man on the moon. We can't make a TV that you just turn on.

834. Where's that intern we just hired?

835. Okay, I understand that, Richard.

836. We're— We're looking for it now.

837. Try New York 10.

838. What channel's New York 10?

839. - It's ten, Hadassah. It's channel ten. - Ten. Oh, channel ten. Okay.

840. Over the past four years,

841. delays on the New York subway system have tripled.

842. Now that amounts to over a million dollars in lost revenue every single day.

843. Now I'm gonna say that again.

844. - The kid's a fetus. - A million dollars every single day.

845. A million dollars a day never makes it to the pocketbooks

846. of the average New Yorker.

847. That's hundreds of thousands in tax revenue

848. that can't go towards police or firefighters,

849. or sanitation, or pre-K and after-school programs

850. that New Yorkers have come to rely on.

851. Now where is our elected leadership on this issue?

852. Why has Senator Standish been so slow to react to this crisis?

853. Could it be perhaps because Senator Standish

854. doesn't ride the subway?

855. No, she doesn't have to worry about arriving at her destinations on time,

856. because she travels by stretch limousine.

857. Maybe that's why Senator Standish thinks

858. that she can just throw money at the problem.

859. Right? 35 billion dollars in stopgap fixes,

860. which will already be obsolete by the time that they're finished,

861. and won't even fix the problem.

862. All right? Now that's what I call putting a Band-Aid on a problem.

863. And at 35 billion dollars,

864. that is one very expensive Band-Aid, my friends.

865. We cannot afford two more years of failed leadership in Albany.

866. We live in the greatest city in the world,

867. and as New Yorkers, we deserve better.

868. You deserve leaders who will stand up to moneyed interests in Albany

869. and say enough is enough.

870. So join me in this revolution of solutions,

871. common sense solutions to the problems that New Yorkers face each and every day.

872. Help me get this city back to work, and together...

873. let's get New York back on track.

874. Thank you and God bless.

875. Should we be worried?

876. Worried?

877. Oh, no.

878. This is gonna be fun.

879. We're gonna eat him alive.