The Politician 1x5

1. Good morning, Chippy.

2. Mom! Where are my socks?

3. What? Which ones?

4. The red ones! They were right here!

5. - I don't know! - Where did you leave 'em?

6. I know what you're doing in there.

7. Knock it off and come down to breakfast.

8. You get one more tardy slip and they're gonna suspend you.

9. - I wanna stop at Starbucks

10. - on the way to school. - With what money?

11. I have Apple Pay on my phone.

12. Then we have to pay that bill eventually, do you know that?

13. Really?

14. This kidnapped Astrid Sloan girl's quite the story. You know her?

15. Seen her around.

16. She turned that student body president election into real news.

17. Made the Los Angeles Times.

18. I only read the headline,

19. but it's on the front of the Metro section.

20. Who are you votin' for?

21. He's got more important things to worry about.

22. - Than his civic duty? - Yes. Like passing English.

23. He speaks English just fine.

24. It's just two rich kids fighting for attention.

25. Scrambled eggs again?

26. You want fancy eggs? Make 'em yourself, little Prince George.

27. I could if I wanted to.

28. I saw a documentary on Netflix and now I'm vegan.

29. Honey, you're struggling to make friends already.

30. You don't need to add another reason for people to be annoyed by you.

31. In this country, the most important right is the right to vote.

32. One man, one vote.

33. No more kings, all that Schoolhouse Rock stuff.

34. BuzzFeed has the best online quizzes.

35. Like, "Which Avenger are you?"

36. "What's your ideal pet?"

37. "What would your porn name be?"

38. I wish Fallout 5 would come out already.

39. Mine's Frankie Hermosa.

40. If I touch my butthole while I'm jerking off,

41. does that make me gay?

42. Crap, I'm getting a random boner again.

43. God, my life sucks.

44. so, I think we sorta lost touch, which was too bad.

45. But, you know, it happens.

46. Anyway, it's so nice to reconnect with you.

47. I just wanted to make sure that you knew about the election today

48. and how important it is that we as students make our voices heard.

49. As you know, these two candidates could not be further apart on the issues.

50. I'm not sure if you're aware of Payton Hobart's latest smears

51. about Astrid Sloan's character,

52. but I think varsity football captain Reggie Water said it best

53. when he called it "just politics as usual."

54. Wait, who are you?

55. I'm Kris, the Chief Data Strategist for Together: We're One.

56. The campaign to elect Astrid Sloan.

57. According to our research,

58. which I guess is my research

59. because that's my role in the campaign— And can I just say as a sidebar,

60. there is no candidate more passionate and dedicated than Astrid.

61. But according to our research,

62. you're just one of a handful of undecided voters

63. who have yet to express a preference for a candidate,

64. so I just wanted to double-check that you had all the information

65. to make an informed choice when you step into that voting booth.

66. Any time after fifth period until the polls close at 3:30.

67. Yeah, okay.

68. Uh, for instance, did you know that Payton Hobart

69. has funneled thousands of dollars of his parent's wealth into his own campaign?

70. I mean, I wouldn't go so far as to call it dirty money,

71. but wouldn't you agree there should be less money in politics, not more?

72. - I don't know. - "I don't know" is exactly right.

73. I don't know how Payton Hobart sleeps at night,

74. thinking he can just buy his way through this election,

75. but I guess it just goes to show how out of touch he really is, Elliott.

76. Yeah, thanks.

77. Oh, and you might've heard something about this media circus

78. surrounding Astrid's so-called "disappearance."

79. Smart voters are not gonna let the conspiracy media distract them.

80. Did you know she just chose Pierre Toussaint as her running mate?

81. Making him the first Haitian VP candidate in school history.

82. Amazing.

83. So when you wear that pin,

84. you'll be sending a strong message to Big Bucks Payton:

85. the status quo has got to go.

86. Will you commit to wearing that pin

87. and telling the moneyed interests at this school

88. - that you're tired of business as usual? - Okay. Fine.

89. Thank you, Elliott. I really admire you. Now let's make history together.

90. And I've gotta let Astrid know.

91. She's been asking me all day, "Have you talked to Elliott?"

92. So, I will tell her that Elliott is in.

93. Again, really good reconnecting with you.

94. - Vote for Payton. - Make sure you vote for Astrid.

95. Vote for Payton.

96. Wait. Here, take this.

97. - Hey, Amir Everett, right? - Yeah.

98. How's it going? Payton Hobart running for student body president.

99. Our research says that you are one of the still undecided students,

100. so I thought that maybe a little one-on-one time might convince you

101. to hop off the fence onto our side.

102. Wait, how do you know that I'm undecided?

103. Well, we have an algorithm that goes through student social media posts.

104. It's all totally legal, plus human intelligence gathering.

105. The important part is that we pay attention.

106. Okay? We care about you as an individual,

107. which is why I really wanted to apologize to you personally

108. for Infinity's homophobic slur.

109. All right? I know that you're out and proud,

110. and I wanted to make sure that you don't think I condone it in any way.

111. That's why I kicked her off the ticket.

112. That was pretty bold.

113. - I appreciate that. - Yeah.

114. Hey, have you seen Hamilton?

115. - Like three times. - Yeah, me too.

116. - Thanks for talking, Payton.

117. I think you can count on me getting off the fence now.

118. Oh, that's music to my ears, Amir. Thank you.

119. We got him.

120. Nice. You mention Hamilton?

121. Who do you think you're dealing with? Who's next?

122. A junior named Elliott Beachman.

123. Hmm. Never heard of him.

124. I'll take it. He's some woodshop loser. No need to waste your time.

125. - Don't talk like that. - He's irrelevant.

126. If we didn't need his vote, he could die tomorrow, no one'd notice.

127. Which is exactly why I'm running for president.

128. No kid should feel that way.

129. Elliott, I know you're in there.

130. The bell has rung. Get to class.

131. - Hey, Elliott, right? - I know I'm late. I was taking a dump.

132. Dude, who do you think I am? The hall monitor?

133. I'm James. I'm working on Payton's campaign.

134. Okay.

135. Hey, it's good to see you.

136. So, listen. You know, I hear you're undecided about the election.

137. I know politics can be really boring sometimes.

138. It's like, who cares, right?

139. But actually, Payton's gonna be making a huge announcement today

140. at the final debate.

141. You should definitely be there.

142. It'd be really cool if you came.

143. Sure.

144. - You know voting starts at fifth period? - Yeah, I know.

145. Dude, you know what?

146. I just thought of something. What are you doing at 2:15?

147. - I have math. - Oh, no, F that. You know what?

148. I'll come pull you out of class, walk you to the polls,

149. and then you have the rest of the period to screw around.

150. - Could probably even go home after that. - Uh—

151. Oh, dude! No! When's your lunch? Fourth?

152. Dude, how about instead of sitting by yourself,

153. you sit with me and my friends and we all go vote right after?

154. Do you know Decker and Jerry? Might not, they're seniors.

155. But, uh, yeah, dude.

156. Just come and hang with us and, dude!

157. Decker's girlfriend Shana's throwing a party this weekend, so, like,

158. just come and have lunch with us and I'll be like,

159. "Dudes, I'm bringin' this kid!"

160. Oh, shit!

161. You just broke my nose, you asshole!

162. And so, some people could choose to say,

163. "This campaign has become extremely negative.

164. It's full of anger and vitriol, and so... I'm not interested."

165. But I see it differently.

166. All right? I believe that this race has inspired such passion

167. because we all know what's at stake here...

168. - You're late. - Yeah, sorry.

169. It was made clear to you that this assembly was mandatory,

170. - so that's a detention. - Yeah, all right.

171. But there is one person here who can speak about my opponent

172. better than anyone,

173. and so I'm gonna leave it to her, because, after all,

174. - she was Astrid's running mate. - Hi.

175. - And now she's making history

176. as the first ever running mate to switch candidates.

177. So I'm gonna let her talk about

178. what it felt like to make the right decision.

179. Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me

180. to introduce the next Vice President of St. Skye Leighton!

181. Yeah, Skye!

182. Thank you. Thank you.

183. - Yeah! - Thank you.

184. Thank you so much. You're too kind.

185. Thank you so much, Payton.

186. And I am so happy to be joining a campaign that I can... believe in.

187. Let me say a few things about my former running mate,

188. - Astrid Sloan. - Oh...

189. Actually, no, let me say a few things to my former running mate Astrid Sloan.

190. Oh...

191. Astrid,

192. what the hell were you thinking?

193. I mean, how out of touch can somebody be

194. to just skip town in the middle of a campaign for student body president?

195. - Psst! Psst!

196. Excuse me, yeah. Would you mind turning that down?

197. You freaking psychopath.

198. What is wrong with you?

199. Were you high, Astrid?

200. Or are you high right now?

201. I mean, look, we all get it. We all get stressed.

202. You know, I'm sure a lot of folks here, when they're having a really rough day,

203. they think to themselves, "You know what I ought to do?

204. I ought to go on a road trip and I won't tell anybody where I'm going,

205. so the whole town will freak out

206. and the national media will descend and I'll come back a few days later

207. - and pretend like nothing happened."

208. We get it, Astrid. We've all been there.

209. Ms. Leighton, if you'll please wrap up.

210. I was just getting started, folks.

211. Anyway, Astrid, so glad you're back.

212. I'll just in closing say this,

213. a vote for this ticket is not just a vote for me and Payton.

214. It's a vote for every person of color...

215. every woman...

216. - ... every LGBTQI and A.

217. It is a vote for progress, St. Sebastian.

218. And it happens today.

219. Now let's go make history.

220. Hey, dumb-ass!

221. Would you mind turning the sound off on your phone,

222. you stupid piece of shit?

223. Astrid Sloan, your opening remarks?

224. - Yeah, Astrid! - Let's go!

225. - Dude, look! - What?

226. Connor, I'm not going to glorify those remarks with a response.

227. He's totally gonna go up her shirt.

228. That was tasteless and mean-spirited.

229. And I think you students have just seen...

230. - Holy shit! - ... a great example of what you'll get

231. if you make the mistake of choosing these people to represent you.

232. Shame on you, Skye.

233. Payton.

234. This school deserves better than you.

235. Oh!

236. - There!

237. My decision

238. - to fire you as my running mate— - She did not fire me!

239. - Ms. Leighton, you had your time. - Oh!

240. She did not fire me!

241. to fire her as my running mate was the best thing I could've done.

242. Ladies and gentlemen, I am so proud to introduce St. Sebastian High School's

243. first ever Haitian-born vice presidential candidate,

244. Pierre Toussaint.

245. - Thank you so much, Astrid. Wow.

246. - It's like the whole school.

247. Amazing!

248. - Yes, St. Sebastian.

249. Astrid and I are proud to announce our nine-point plan

250. to make this school greener, safer,

251. and a more integrated part of this community,

252. making each and every one of us better global citizens along the way.

253. But, you know what?

254. Something just occurred to me as I was sitting there.

255. You know what I want to happen this year?

256. I want Drake to come and play a concert here.

257. - Wouldn't that be awesome?

258. Who all here would like to have Drake come do a show for everybody here?

259. - What flavor? - Bubble gum.

260. - I want our prom at Santa Barbara Hall. - It's good.

261. And then at midnight, Drake takes the stage and does a show all night.

262. - St. Sebastian, this is my promise to you.

263. We'll raise however much money it takes to fly him here,

264. and Drake will give us the sickest prom night ever.

265. Let's do this, St. Sebastian!

266. Thank you, Mr. Toussaint.

267. Payton, freshman Dolly Andricks has a question for you.

268. - Drake! - Everyone, I'll ask you again.

269. Could you please hold your applause until the end of the debate?

270. She ran away with my boyfriend!

271. She ran away with my boyfriend!

272. Payton Hobart used me for my cancer!

273. And Astrid ran away with my boyfriend and they had sex!

274. He said he saw you eat your own boogers.

275. I'm going!

276. Okay. Okay. Let's everybody sit down.

277. - Drake! - Everybody take a seat.

278. Excuse me, I'm doing some post-debate exit polling.

279. Would you be willing to answer a few questions?

280. Okay, can you stop walking for a second?

281. - Name, please. - Elliott.

282. Last name?

283. Beachman. Your last name is Beachman, just for future reference.

284. You were at the debate, right?

285. Did the debate change your opinion of either candidate?

286. No.

287. Can you explain why?

288. I dunno. Just don't really care.

289. Okay. Are you leaning towards one candidate over the other?

290. No.

291. Okay, so no preference.

292. Was there any moment in the debate that stood out to you?

293. Not really.

294. Do you remember anything said during the debate?

295. No.

296. Okay. So not when one candidate promised

297. to bring a major recording artist to perform live at our high school?

298. Yeah, I don't know.

299. Or when the former vice presidential candidate interrupted

300. and started screaming that one of the candidates eats her own boogers?

301. Okay. This has been extremely inspiring, Elliott.

302. - Thank you so much for your time.

303. - Any luck? - No.

304. James did a straw poll and the late deciders

305. are breaking for the "Astrid, Pierre, Drake performing at our prom" ticket.

306. We're now only up by two points, which is within the margin of error.

307. Depending on turnout, we could either win by six or lose by four.

308. Need to lock down every single undecided, including that kid.

309. Something tells me he's gonna require some one-on-one attention.

310. Dude, are you freaking kidding me?

311. Do you know how awesome that'd be?

312. It's never gonna happen.

313. How do you know?

314. 'Cause he's probably on tour or something.

315. I don't think Drake plays many high school proms, Derek.

316. Whatever. It'd be awesome.

317. I'm like, finally, they're talking about something I actually care about.

318. Oh, really, Derek?

319. 'Cause an issue that I care about is not getting shot.

320. And Payton's trying to move the needle on the gun policy in this country.

321. Please.

322. He's not changing anything.

323. There should be, at least, metal detectors when you walk into the school.

324. Do you wanna get shot, Derek?

325. Um, I'm pretty sure Astrid also cares about school safety.

326. - It's not like she's pro guns in school. - Yeah, but it's Payton's signature issue.

327. Well, my signature issue is having an awesome prom.

328. You're such an idiot, Derek. Just think about what you just said.

329. Can you think about how awesome Drake would be?

330. Can't talk to you. My cousin goes to high school in Oklahoma

331. and some kid brought a friggin' grenade to school.

332. Like an actual hand grenade from World War II.

333. Dude, a grenade from World War II probably wouldn't even work anymore.

334. That's not the point of the story!

335. So, you are seriously worried that if Astrid's elected,

336. kids are gonna start bringing World War II grenades to school?

337. - It's probably not even illegal. - You're such an asshole, Derek!

338. That's not what I'm talking about!

339. My cousin was so freaked out, she didn't go to school for a month!

340. - Goddamnit!

341. What the hell? That was my lunch!

342. What is wrong with you?

343. Hi.

344. I'm Astrid.

345. I was just wondering if you knew who you were voting for this afternoon.

346. Uh—

347. Because I don't know if you were at the debate,

348. but it was pretty amazing.

349. We have some really exciting things planned for this school.

350. I don't know if you've heard, but among other things,

351. we're really excited to bring Drake here to perform.

352. Either for prom or, like, a stand-alone concert or something.

353. Hey, Elliott.

354. We're in the middle of a conversation.

355. Listen, I 100% get that this race is not that interesting to you.

356. Honestly, I do not blame you.

357. Elliott, do you know that Payton is attempting to buy this election

358. using his family's money?

359. I seriously get it, man. I feel you, but here's the thing:

360. The race is almost over. If you could just help our campaign,

361. we have the chance to enact some real change at this school.

362. I'm not exaggerating when I say that your vote could literally change history.

363. How much money do your parents make? Do they work for a living?

364. Payton's parents are so rich, they don't even have to.

365. You live in a $15 million house,

366. so you don't want to debate about who is rich.

367. Payton's possibly homosexual. He had sex with me and my boyfriend.

368. He seemed more interested in my boyfriend than me.

369. Okay, that was your idea,

370. and if you wanna make this race into a referendum on sexual fluidity,

371. you're gonna lose.

372. Elliott, Astrid is a raging bigot,

373. who's very uncomfortable with her own bi-curiousity,

374. and she's pretty sure she's gonna lose this race.

375. Payton is a psychopath who was actually in the room

376. when River shot himself, which, by the way,

377. no one has ever gotten answers as to why exactly that was.

378. Now you're running your mouth about shit you don't know about!

379. And where were you? Huh? Why don't you tell me?

380. What exactly was so friggin' pressing that you couldn't be bothered?

381. - Hey, can I talk to him? - Yeah, but keep it down.

382. Hey.

383. I'm sorry about what happened in the lunchroom.

384. If I tell you I'll vote for you, will you leave me alone?

385. Yes.

386. Did you know that there were two researchers at Stanford University

387. who discovered that if you could get someone to say out loud

388. that they're gonna vote, then they're like...

389. twice as likely to actually go through with it?

390. So, you want me to say it then?

391. Well, I'd rather just have someone waiting for you outside from my campaign.

392. They can walk you to the polls as soon as you're done here.

393. I'm not an idiot.

394. Oh, no. I do not think that you are.

395. I just think that you're unmotivated.

396. I think that you think: What's the point in voting when no matter who wins,

397. - your life doesn't change?

398. So, help me motivate you.

399. Why don't you tell me the stuff that would make a difference to you?

400. What do you care about?

401. I think students here should have their own bathrooms,

402. just like the teachers do.

403. So you can lock the door.

404. Not worry about people coming in and out, banging on the stall doors,

405. interrupting.

406. Yeah. It's not very cost effective, but I do understand the attraction.

407. Many of us have stage fright when it comes to going in front of other people.

408. Hey, what about the class divide at this school?

409. You live over on Hermosa Road? Right? What many would consider...

410. " the other side of the tracks"?

411. Think the school focuses too much on the well-to-do kids?

412. Yeah.

413. Can you elaborate on that a little?

414. Ju—

415. Just sort of say more about it?

416. I dunno.

417. I think the vending machines here are kinda bullshit.

418. I mean, why should Sun Chips be a buck less than Peanut M&Ms?

419. And we should be able to buy Flamin' Hot Cheetos if we want.

420. A libertarian.

421. I just don't like getting ripped off.

422. I can talk to the administration about making changes to the vending machines.

423. Maybe... Maybe a subsidy for low-income students.

424. Yeah, whatever. Maybe you will.

425. Maybe you won't.

426. Hey, Elliott...

427. I care.

428. Oh, dear, why are you crying?

429. They won't let me vote.

430. I lost my student ID, and they won't let me vote without one.

431. I'm Georgina Hobart.

432. I'm Payton's mother, and you come with me right now.

433. This young lady would like to vote.

434. She can't without a student ID. Those are the rules.

435. Otherwise, they'd bus in a bunch of kids from other schools to vote illegally.

436. That's insane.

437. She's clearly a student here.

438. I don't know her. Do you know her?

439. Maybe.

440. Are you in my trig class?

441. I don't take trig. I'm a freshman.

442. Uh, excuse me. Yoo-hoo!

443. Young man. Could you come over here, please?

444. Do you know this young lady?

445. I don't think so.

446. Do you know him?

447. No.

448. Do you know him?

449. - No. - No.

450. Wait...

451. - No. - Oh, for God's sakes.

452. What kind of a school community is this? Does anyone know anyone?

453. You know what? Forget it.

454. This isn't worth it.

455. Forget it?

456. People have fought and died for your right to vote.

457. Haven't you ever heard of Chaney, Goodman, and Schwerner?

458. Do they go here too?

459. They were killed by the Ku Klux Klan for registering voters in Mississippi.

460. Whoa, whoa, lady. Are you sayin' we're the Klan?

461. I'm saying this is voter suppression and it's illegal.

462. This school has to be a model, not only for all other schools,

463. but for our country as a whole.

464. I wasn't going to vote for your son anyway.

465. Well, it's the principle of the thing.

466. Maybe we can have her submit a provisional ballot.

467. And if she can prove that she goes here, then we'll count the vote.

468. No.

469. She will vote today.

470. Have you ever heard of the 15th Amendment?

471. Would you like to go through that line by line?

472. Elliott, Kris. Could I talk to you about Astrid—

473. Dinner!

474. Don't wipe it on the drapes again. They're turning stiff as shutters.

475. Use a sock like a normal kid.

476. You know, Marco Polo brought spaghetti from China to Italy.

477. They didn't have spaghetti before that.

478. If I had a car, I'd have a license plate that said VEGAN4LIFE.

479. Who'd you guys end up voting for in the election?

480. I wrote in Daniel Andreas.

481. He's a militant animal rights activist on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted List.

482. Does he go to your school?

483. No.

484. - When do you hear who won? - Tomorrow. I think.

485. Maybe it was today, but I didn't hear.

486. How about you, Elliott?

487. I didn't vote.

488. My vote doesn't matter anyway.