The Penguins of Madagascar 2x11

1. - Cute and cuddly, boys.

2. - Punch it, Private.

3. - Private, what was that?

4. You could have broken the track record.

5. - Oh, you're welcome, little guy.

6. Sorry, Skipper.

7. I guess nice guys really do finish last.

8. - Yep, that's just nature's way, young Private.

9. - Yee-haw!

10. Hole in one!

11. - Intruder alert! - Mister, I ain't no intruder.

12. I am The Amarillo Kid.

13. - Should I know you?

14. - Only if your name is Mr. Tux.

15. - Ooh.

16. - Kowalski, my alias portfolio.

17. - Let's see.

18. There's Two-Bit Hood Jack the Knife,

19. International Play Bird Diego Garcia,

20. wealthy industrialist Lincoln Douglas.

21. I'm not seeing a Mr. Tux here, Skipper.

22. - Perhaps it was the time

23. I woke up in that Kyoto hotel room

24. on a bed of counterfeit Deutsche marks.

25. - I'm Mr. Tux.

26. - Oh, yeah.

27. Well, thanks, young Private.

28. I think I got this.

29. Ha!

30. - Well, Mr. Tux, been a long time,

31. longer than a yellow snake in a bowl of red bean chili.

32. - What?

33. - See, Mr. Tux and me,

34. we have some unfinished business.

35. - Our Private?

36. Your business is all finished, isn't it, Private?

37. - No, Skipper, The Amarillo Kid and I

38. have been on a collision course for a long, long time.

39. - Yeah, that's right.

40. Longer than a yellow—

41. - Zip it, Kid.

42. You're wasting your breath.

43. I'm a different man now.

44. - Man?

45. But Private's so private-y.

46. What's this about?

47. - Mr. Tux knows what it's about.

48. - I told you. Never again.

49. - Never say never,

50. unless it's when you're saying never to say never.

51. - Armadillos are all just whacked out

52. from the scorching desert heat.

53. Well, Private,

54. what an unexpected dimension this adds to your character.

55. - Yeah. That's—

56. - I don't like it. I like my men one-dimensional.

57. Works better for me.

58. - Huh? Oh.

59. - Sorry, Skipper.

60. I was young and foolish.

61. Sorry. Went down the wrong esophagus.

62. - Here's what we got.

63. Two eggs, two flapjacks, two strips of bacon,

64. one smiley face.

65. Might make you change your mind.

66. What do you say, Mr. Tux?

67. - Mr. Tux left nothing but a trail of broken hearts

68. and shattered dreams.

69. - Tell you what. You sure shattered my dreams,

70. like a big old china plate of dreams.

71. - No, I will not play your cursed game, Amarillo Kid.

72. - Well, we'll just see

73. about that dramatic pronouncement and such, Mr. Tux.

74. - What does he mean, "game"?

75. - It was brutal combat, Skipper,

76. and I was the best,

77. but I walked away before it destroyed me.

78. - Uh, guys?

79. I think you're gonna want to get out here.

80. - Hey, what's the deal?

81. - I'm just warming up on the locals

82. before I whup Mr. Tux.

83. - Wait.

84. You mean the brutal combat was...

85. - Mini golf.

86. Sorry again.

87. I thought he said mini golf.

88. - No, that's right. Miniature golf.

89. - With the windmills and the neon-colored balls

90. and the little pencil-y things?

91. Oh, you bet you.

92. Now, if you don't mind,

93. watch me sink this putt.

94. - Ah, he's made this interesting.

95. Everybody be interested.

96. - Made it interesting?

97. You mean you're betting this nut ball?

98. - Technically, I'm losing everything to this nut ball.

99. But I can't let that distract me from my game.

100. - Julien, he's hustling you.

101. - Oh, really?

102. Well, what makes you think so?

103. - Look out, clown's mouth.

104. - I don't know.

105. Call it a hunch.

106. - Not to worry.

107. I have already doubled down,

108. so all I need to do is make this shot.

109. - Doubled down?

110. - But what have you got left to bet?

111. - Nothing that is too valuable,

112. only my loyalest subjects.

113. - Yippee!

114. - Look, this isn't fair, kid.

115. That shot is impossible.

116. - Impossible for him, maybe,

117. but not for Mr. Tux.

118. I think I might stuff 'em

119. and put them next to my jackalope,

120. maybe put little antlers on them too,

121. call 'em lemurlopes.

122. - Wait!

123. I swore.

124. I swore I would never, ever, ever

125. play that infernal game again.

126. Okay, my bad.

127. I really should just put this mug down.

128. - Private, what could be so infernal about mini golf?

129. - No, it wasn't the game.

130. It's what it did to me.

131. I started playing for fun.

132. But I was good.

133. I was too good.

134. Pretty soon, every young punk

135. who thought he could hit a straight putt

136. came looking for me.

137. And then one day,

138. a young Armadillo was playing me tough.

139. And I started to worry

140. that for the first time, I might lose.

141. So I did the unthinkable.

142. I just walked away.

143. - So you quit the game?

144. - Yes, forever.

145. - Over an ice cream cone?

146. - It was a double scoop.

147. - Couldn't you just buy the girl another ice cream?

148. - It wasn't just the ice cream. It was me.

149. The pressure of the competition was making me tart and churlish

150. and yes, I'll admit it, at times, even a bit snippety.

151. - Well, Private, as utterly ridiculous

152. as that sounds to all of us,

153. we're behind you 100%.

154. - You know what I'm here for.

155. - Sorry, Armadillo.

156. Mr. Tux is retired, permanently.

157. Don't make me take Rico off his leash.

158. - I got a date with destiny, mister.

159. You don't mess with destiny or Texas.

160. - Both—

161. What do you say, Mr. Tux?

162. Fancy a little game?

163. - I warned you, Kid.

164. Rico, find the Armadillo.

165. Do something horrific.

166. - Oh, yes.

167. - Self-destruct sequence initiated.

168. - Our thermo fusion reactor.

169. - Yeah, about that,

170. I took the liberty of changing the deactivation code.

171. So no one gets out of here

172. until I've had my game with Mr. Tux.

173. - You think you can manually override

174. the self-destruct sequence?

175. - Probably not.

176. - Private, I know you swore never to play again...

177. - If he wants Mr. Tux,

178. I'll give him Mr. Tux.

179. - Now, you go get him, Private.

180. We all believe in you.

181. - Live from the Central Park Zoo

182. in, you know, Central Park.

183. Hello, and welcome to the Zoo-sters Cup.

184. I will be your whispery announcer guy.

185. - You're gonna give me your best game, Mr. Tux,

186. or this whole animal farm won't be worth more

187. than a toothless sidewinder on Easter Sunday.

188. - And the trash talk is inscrutable.

189. - He's gonna blow up the zoo?

190. - Ooh! High stakes!

191. Exciting!

192. - Shh! They're about to tee off.

193. Quiet in the gallery!

194. - The instruction manual is around here somewhere.

195. I know it.

196. - Here we go. Got it.

197. No, wait. This is for the microwave.

198. - Ooh, we have a popcorn setting.

199. Yee-haw!

200. - Press and hold the start button

201. for five seconds, then toggle—

202. - I'm pressing the start button!

203. - That's the menu button.

204. - Oh, well, which one is it?

205. - And so our two mini golf gladiators

206. enter the final hole all tied up,

207. not like in ropes but, you know, like in scores.

208. A hush fall over the crowd, and I—

209. oh, am I right in the way here, a little bit?

210. It was worth a try.

211. - You hit that shot, and you beat me, Mr. Tux.

212. I guess you best not miss.

213. - Count on it.

214. Oopsie.

215. - Hey, what was that? - No fair!

216. - I decide what's fair.

217. And Mr. Tux needs to sink that shot.

218. - Private,

219. I know I throw the encouragement around like candy.

220. This time, I mean it,

221. because I have no choice.

222. - Wait. What is he doing?

223. - But that's the opposite direction.

224. - Here we go.

225. For the match and the bragger's rights.

226. - And all of our lives.

227. - I can't watch!

228. But I must peek.

229. It's all over!

230. I'm the best. I told you.

231. I'm fancier than a peacock in a crow flock. Yee-haw!

232. - No, kid, you might want to take back that yee-haw.

233. - Huh? What the—

234. - He did it!

235. - And the stinky penguin wins!

236. - Yay for the Private in the bow tie.

237. - Well, Kid, you wanted my best game.

238. How's it taste?

239. Like a tall glass of loser?

240. - Kind of.

241. - Nice job, young Mr. Tux.

242. - That last shot, I mean, wow.

243. - The ball had totally stopped.

244. - How did you do it, Private?

245. - Well, let's just say

246. nice guys don't always finish last.

247. That's- Classic!

248. - All right, then, Skipper?

249. - At ease, Private.

250. I was laughing at a little joke in the mission files.

251. - Is it a funny one?

252. - Oh, yeah.

253. - Ooh, can I see it, then?

254. - Classified.

255. - What's classified?

256. Oh, classic!

257. - What? Why does Kowalski get to see it?

258. - Well, he's got top secret clearance.

259. We can't go showing our classified material

260. to just anybody.

261. Rico, you got to see this!

262. That's classic! That's classic!

263. - Rico too? How's that fair?

264. - Sorry, Private.

265. But some files are too private for a Private.

266. - Well, then perhaps it's time I got a promotion.

267. - Uh-uh.

268. - Let the promotion test begin.

269. - Um, what test?

270. - Tonight, you go mano a mano

271. with the most fearsome beast in the concrete jungle.

272. - A badger?

273. - Exactly—what?

274. No, not a badger.

275. It's a secret, okay?

276. Mysterious and deadly secret.

277. - He doesn't know what he's saying.

278. Give the boy a chance to back out.

279. - Ah, there are no take-backs in this unit.

280. Rico, hit the snooze.

281. - Blah.

282. - Stay frosty, Private.

283. The mystery beast can smell your fear.

284. So can I.

285. That is fear, right?

286. And I'm supposed to fight this secret beast

287. taped to a dumpster, am I?

288. - No, Rico just thought that would be fun.

289. What's this?

290. - The concrete jungle survival guide.

291. - Audiobook version.

292. So you're about to face a beast

293. more horrible than your worst nightmare.

294. - Congratulations, random listener.

295. Let's work on that.

296. - Wait.

297. Does this mean you're not coming with me?

298. - Well, this is your promotion test, Private.

299. No backup. No supplies.

300. You don't even get to know where you are.

301. - I know where we are.

302. I drawed a map on the way.

303. - You did not.

304. That's a kiddie menu you found in the gutter.

305. - I live in the hamburger.

306. - What in the name of Custer's muster?

307. - Bah!

308. - Oh, yes, we're here for the camping-out party.

309. I got my booty all warmed up

310. for the banjo sing-along campfire dancing.

311. Check it out. Yeah.

312. Yeah, keep checking.

313. - This ain't no campout, ringtail.

314. - Yeah?

315. Then how come you got the fireplug poncho

316. and a dress made out of artsy-craft supplies?

317. - Hey! - This is standard-issue

318. urban jungle camouflage.

319. - Uh-huh.

320. So who wants to sing the Kumbayas

321. till the sun comes up?

322. - No Kumbayas.

323. This is penguin versus nature.

324. Private's lucky if he lives to see another sunrise.

325. - Sorry?

326. - It's a rite of passage, Private.

327. If everybody survived, it would be a, uh...

328. Kowalski, clever turn of phrase options?

329. - A wrong of passage.

330. - Fine. See if I care.

331. But you will miss some happy camping, my friend.

332. - 27 minutes to midnight, Private.

333. You better play that tape

334. before the beast goes on the prowl.

335. Less than half an hour?

336. How am I supposed to—

337. - Key one to defeating the beast:

338. surveillance.

339. Binoculars, anything to track your enemy's movements.

340. - Ooh. Aha.

341. Instant telescope.

342. - Thank you, dumpy penguin.

343. You see, mort, in camping,

344. you can build a fire

345. with nothing but a pirate looky tube.

346. - Don't you need sunlight for that?

347. - Why would I need sunlight to do this?

348. Make fire now, you looky tube!

349. This one's defective.

350. - Key two: camouflage.

351. If the beast can't see you,

352. he can't hurt you.

353. - Okay, how did Rico make his newspaper disguise?

354. - Artsy-craft supplies!

355. - What are you doing?

356. - Check it out.

357. King Julien crossing the Delaware...

358. Avenue, right?

359. - Key three: weapons.

360. You need some.

361. - Well, obviously!

362. And that's a whip.

363. Or I could make a bow and arrow.

364. - Banjo string!

365. - Stay on key, Mort.

366. - Will you stop that?

367. I need that string!

368. It's nearly midnight,

369. and I've got to face some horrible—

370. - Private.

371. - This is how you prepare

372. for the fight of your life?

373. - No! I w-w-wasn't!

374. - Kowalski, commandeer that banjo.

375. Ready or not, Private,

376. it's time to meet the enemy.

377. And since you like banjo music so much,

378. we're gonna do it in song.

379. Ooh.

380. Look out!

381. Whoa!

382. - It got two of my uncles and six of my cousins,

383. and they were all from upstate.

384. True story.

385. - Yah!

386. - So the bus is haunted,

387. and you want me to fight it.

388. A bus?

389. - And come home with a nifty souvenir to prove it.

390. - That'll put some feathers on your chest, eh?

391. - Um, I don't think I care

392. about that classified joke anymore.

393. - Good hunting, Private.

394. If all goes well,

395. we'll see you alive at dawn,

396. of course, with the prementioned souvenir in hand.

397. - And if not, well...

398. You'll be—you'll be fine.

399. - B-but I'm not ready!

400. Any more advice, survival guide audiobook?

401. - This recording will self-destruct right now.

402. Good luck.

403. - Here, bus.

404. Here, bussy, bussy.

405. Please be a nice haunted bus.

406. - I caught a wall! Yay!

407. - What are you doing in the street?

408. - Obviously we are sewer fishing, duh.

409. - But the Graveyard Eight.

410. - Uh, grape jar... what now?

411. - The haunted bus that runs over animals.

412. - Mm, never heard of it.

413. Perhaps if you gave it a catchy jingle

414. or perhaps a theme song.

415. - Look out!

416. - Shh. I'm in my fishing zone.

417. - Really?

418. 'Cause I'm not catching jack-a-doodley

419. with this worthless fish stick.

420. I have caught something!

421. - No. This is your test, Private.

422. Ooh, whoo, ah!

423. Yes! Ooh!

424. Help!

425. - Hang on.

426. I think I can get you free.

427. - No, no. I know this camp time activity.

428. Only way to untangle is to work as a team.

429. So everybody shut it.

430. And I will be the team.

431. - Oh, the foot is in my face.

432. I did it.

433. - Goody for you.

434. - We just need something to cut the line.

435. Just hang on. I'll be back.

436. 5th Avenue.

437. Washington Square.

438. No driver.

439. - I know. Spooky, right?

440. I thought this was where

441. we steal the other camp's mascot.

442. - What? Are you completely—

443. we are not camping!

444. - Oh, ho!

445. Somebody's working

446. on his sourpuss grumpy grouch activity patch.

447. It's you, by the way.

448. Just find something sharp and pointy

449. to cut the fishing line.

450. Sharp, pointy, perfect.

451. Lucky day!

452. I found us something sharp and pointy.

453. I win!

454. - Oh.

455. We have to hurry, Julien,

456. before the Graveyard Eight claims Maurice and Mort forever.

457. - And yet here you are talking, talking, talking

458. and doing nothing, nothing, nothing.

459. - Well, there's still one part of the bus

460. I haven't searched yet.

461. - 7th Avenue.

462. - Ooh.

463. Yah-ha!

464. Ooh!

465. - No pets on the bus.

466. - Ooh!

467. Again, again!

468. Sharp and pointy.

469. - Off!

470. Whoa! - Come on!

471. - I love camping!

472. - Jump!

473. - Hooray for the Private!

474. - Amazing!

475. - Yeah, that was pretty good.

476. - Kowalski, promotion analysis.

477. - Private risked his own safety

478. to free helpless captives from a demonic bus.

479. That's plus 17 points.

480. - They were all lemurs. Minus 20.

481. - But he did bring back one primo souvenir.

482. - Well, congratulations, young Private.

483. You've been promoted to private...

484. first class.

485. - Yippee! - Way to go!

486. Of course, we'll still call you Private.

487. First class is implied.

488. Enjoy your classified joke access.

489. Ooh.

490. Mm?

491. Yeah, I don't get it.