The Orville 2x6

1. Claire to Isaac.

2. Yes, Doctor.

3. Can I borrow your brain for a moment?

4. I'm writing a paper on the use of nanosynthesis

5. in Xelayan tissue regeneration,

6. and I could use your help on the tech side.

7. Of course, Doctor. I am on my way.

8. Dr. Finn.

9. Hey, Bortus. What can I do for you?

10. I would like a mustache.

11. I-I'm sorry?

12. Lieutenant Malloy has informed me

13. that I would...

14. "look pretty good with a mustache."

15. Moclans do not grow facial hair naturally,

16. so I require your help.

17. Well, I-I mean,

18. I could run a follicle stimulator over your upper lip.

19. - Please do so. - Are you sure?

20. The lieutenant was quite persuasive.

21. Okay, it's your face.

22. All set. You should have it within the hour.

23. Thank you, Doctor.

24. Oh, Isaac. Good.

25. Come here and take a look at this.

26. Is Commander Bortus unwell?

27. The answer to that depends on your taste in personal grooming.

28. Why are you holding a banana?

29. It is for you.

30. I have noticed your tendency to become cantankerous

31. after 1600 hours when you have not eaten.

32. Well, thank you... I think.

33. Now, this draft is a little long,

34. so I just need to verify the sections pertaining

35. to angiogenesis in the vascular system.

36. Have a read.

37. - There are numerous errors. - Mm, I thought so.

38. Uh, would you be a pal and take a pass at it?

39. Of course, Doctor.

40. - Revision complete. - Thanks.

41. I owe you one.

42. One what?

43. Uh, you know, return the favor?

44. It is unlikely you would be able

45. to offer useful insight into any of my research.

46. My intelligence far exceeds your...

47. Right, right, ri... Uh, uh, I forgot. I'm sorry.

48. You have modified the configuration of your hair.

49. A little bit, yeah.

50. I didn't think anyone would notice.

51. Did the previous alignment fail to provide adequate warmth?

52. No, I just felt like changing it.

53. Odd.

54. Union Symphony's here next week, right?

55. They are, yeah. Ship arrives on Friday. You going?

56. Yeah, Cassius and I were gonna go.

57. - What about you? - I think so, yeah.

58. Um... wow.

59. Oh, my God.

60. What is the matter?

61. Nothing. We were all just wondering when you decided

62. to join the fire department.

63. Hey! There you go.

64. See, that's what I'm talking about.

65. - And now it makes sense. - That was your idea?

66. Yeah. He looks good, doesn't he?

67. Rugged, authoritative.

68. The lieutenant told me it would be appealing.

69. Is that not so?

70. Oh, no, it's-it's super appealing.

71. - It really is. It's-it's great. - I love it.

72. I-I think people are really gonna be talking about it.

73. - Is that good? - Oh, totally.

74. No, no, no, they're-they're gonna be like,

75. "Man, if he has that much across the lip,

76. I wonder what else he's got going on."

77. What does that even mean?

78. Hey, um, you remember that conversation we had

79. about selectivity with what you say to Bortus?

80. Yeah.

81. Oh. This would've been...

82. This would've been one of those things, yeah.

83. Commander?

84. I have that update on the vaccine shipment

85. to Alamak Three.

86. Hand-delivered. Thanks, Claire.

87. Actually, I came up here to remind you guys about tonight.

88. With all the buzz about the symphony,

89. I don't want you to forget Ty's piano recital is this evening.

90. I really hope you all can make it.

91. - Is it mandatory? - Well, no, but...

92. But we're all gonna go anyway, because we want to support Ty.

93. And Isaac, too. He's been an amazing teacher.

94. Ty possesses considerable musical aptitude

95. for a biological life-form.

96. We'll be there. Tell him good luck.

97. I will.

98. He's really good.

99. I know.

100. Seriously, I thought this was gonna suck,

101. but he's really good.

102. I took piano lessons when I was a kid

103. 'cause they told me I had the hands for it.

104. I quit after three lessons.

105. Had the hands but not the talent.

106. This little guy, though. You're something special,

107. - you know that? - Thanks.

108. Oh. Excuse me a second.

109. I haven't thanked the teacher.

110. Hey, there. You standing over here all alone?

111. Large social gatherings provide ample opportunity to observe

112. the behavior of biological life-forms.

113. Is it always just about studying us?

114. That is my primary function.

115. Does any small part of you ever enjoy our company?

116. Enjoyment is an emotional response unique to biologicals.

117. Sit down. Have a drink with me.

118. - I do not drink. - Well, nobody's perfect.

119. You know, Ty really loves the time he spends with you.

120. I know you can't share the feeling,

121. but he's really attached to you.

122. The data I have acquired

123. from his behavioral stimuli has been plentiful.

124. Is it possible that's the machine equivalent of saying

125. you like spending time with him, too?

126. Interesting. The parallel would require further analysis.

127. Well, you think about it, then get back to me.

128. The cognitive capacity of most preadolescent humanoids

129. is quite stunted.

130. However, Ty has demonstrated superior focus.

131. There is a human phrase:

132. "You should be very proud of him."

133. Come in.

134. Hey, Claire.

135. - You have a minute? - Sure, what's up?

136. There's... something I need to talk about,

137. and I'm not sure who else to go to.

138. Well, you can always come to me. What is it?

139. You feel like a glass of wine?

140. Always. But I don't do it during work hours.

141. Okay. Um...

142. I think I'm developing feelings for a member of the crew.

143. And you're worried whether it's appropriate.

144. In several capacities, yeah.

145. Your judgment is rock solid. You'll know how to handle it.

146. I can tell you that Cassius and I have made it work pretty well,

147. and there's obviously all the history with me and Ed.

148. Ship's still afloat.

149. Can I ask who it is?

150. It's Isaac.

151. Chardonnay, two glasses.

152. I know I sound like a crazy person,

153. but I think it's been brewing since the shuttle crash.

154. Have you talked to Isaac about it?

155. No. He has no idea.

156. Claire, Isaac is incapable of...

157. Incapable of love, incapable of emotion, I know.

158. He's a machine, I understand that, but...

159. when I'm with him,

160. I don't know, I...

161. We get along really well. I feel warmth.

162. Is it possible that you're projecting

163. that feeling yourself, onto Isaac?

164. Maybe. But hey, don't we all do that?

165. In every relationship?

166. Especially when someone's a little mysterious.

167. I guess so. Whenever Ed was silent for long stretches,

168. I used to think he was pondering big questions.

169. Then he'd just be like, "I'm hungry."

170. He brought me a banana.

171. - Ed? - No, Isaac.

172. Oh, right.

173. Well, look,

174. if it were Gordon or Yaphit telling me this,

175. I would probably see a red flag.

176. But you are the most responsible person I know.

177. So if you're feeling this way, then there's something there.

178. Not to be indelicate, but can he even...

179. - I mean, does he have a... - I-I haven't even thought about that yet.

180. I'm still just contending with the emotional side of it.

181. Well,

182. I guess...

183. why not?

184. - Why not what? - Why not try it?

185. I mean, if it doesn't work out, you could probably write

186. an award-winning research paper.

187. "The Secret Sordid Love Lives of Robots."

188. Not that it's a fair comparison,

189. but as someone who's been with a man

190. who could be unemotional at times,

191. just be careful.

192. We're all attached to Isaac,

193. but the reality is he can't love.

194. Just make sure you don't get hurt.

195. Hi.

196. Hello, Doctor.

197. - What you doing? - I am analyzing

198. and reconforming the hyperspace metrics

199. in Dr. Aronov's temporal equations.

200. - Can I help at all? - That is doubtful.

201. - You want some company? - For what purpose?

202. Okay, um, I'm just gonna go right at it.

203. Uh, Isaac,

204. would you like to go on a date with me?

205. - A date? - Yes.

206. A social coupling designed to facilitate mating.

207. Wow, it just got really hot in here.

208. I am not detecting a rise in the temperature.

209. Isaac.

210. I would very much like to go out with you.

211. - Out? Into space? - No.

212. Out. To dinner, to a show.

213. Uh, how about the symphony on Friday?

214. You and me— we could see how it feels.

215. Such an outing would yield substantial data

216. regarding human behavioral patterns.

217. Is that a yes?

218. Affirmative, Doctor.

219. I will go on a date with you.

220. I just think, if it had a little more kick when I hit the gas,

221. it would feel better, you know?

222. You understand this isn't a Porsche, right?

223. This is a quantum drive engine that makes a thousand trillion

224. independent calculations every millisecond.

225. Yeah, I know that, I-I just like to feel a certain level

226. of responsiveness when I'm driving.

227. Oh, okay. You want power steering, too?

228. Maybe an air freshener shaped like a little tree?

229. Excuse me, Commander Lamarr.

230. Am I interrupting?

231. Oh, hey, Isaac. No. What's up?

232. I require guidance.

233. How does one prepare for a date?

234. Uh, I'm sorry,

235. - did you say "a date"? - Affirmative.

236. - Are you serious? - Isaac, you have a date?

237. - Yes. - Oh, wow.

238. Sweet emotion.

239. I am seeking advice.

240. Well, I mean, what I would normally do is...

241. I prefer to hear from Commander Lamarr.

242. Uh, well, who's the lucky lady?

243. Or fella?

244. Or o-object?

245. Dr. Finn.

246. - What? No way. Come on. - Wait,

247. who asked who out?

248. It was Dr. Finn's request.

249. I must now learn the intricacies of the ritual.

250. Well, you got to get some threads. I mean,

251. if it's a real date, you're gonna want to look snazzy.

252. - Snazzy. - But don't overdo it.

253. It should feel comfortable and feel like you.

254. You're a pretty conservative guy,

255. so I would go with something fun but classic.

256. I have some really neat shirts if you want to borrow one.

257. I mean, not just for the date.

258. Anytime.

259. And you're gonna want to pick her up at her place.

260. And maybe bring some flowers, too.

261. But not roses. You don't want to come on too strong too soon.

262. This input is quite helpful.

263. Thank you, Commander.

264. - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God, you guys.

265. - Claire and Isaac are going on a date. - I swear to God.

266. - This is so insane. I can't even believe it! - Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

267. Guys, guys, guys, slow down. What's going on?

268. All right.

269. Claire asked Isaac out on a date.

270. - What? - You serious?

271. So he told you.

272. Wait, you knew about this?

273. Claire confided in me.

274. But now, apparently, the whole ship knows.

275. Uh, is this a thing? Like, wh-what did I miss?

276. I mean, they've always been close, right? I saw them

277. hanging out together after Ty's recital.

278. They bonded during the shuttle accident, and it just...

279. blossomed into something more. It happens.

280. A human and an artificial life-form are incompatible.

281. It will not succeed.

282. How do you know? They could just be two people in love.

283. Well, it's not as simple as that.

284. The guy has limitations.

285. I mean, even in the best-case scenario, he's still...

286. my father, and he'll never be a weight lifter

287. no matter how much his heart is in it.

288. Hello, Doctor.

289. I am here for our date.

290. Isaac, you're-you're dressed.

291. Commander Lamarr advised me to look snazzy.

292. Well, mission accomplished.

293. I wish the boys could see you.

294. - Will they be joining us? - Uh, no.

295. Ty's at a sleepover.

296. Marcus went to the simulator.

297. Shall we go?

298. That is the next appropriate step.

299. You nervous?

300. That is not possible.

301. I am.

302. Excited, but a little nervous.

303. May I ask why?

304. It's all brand-new, and I don't know where it's gonna take me.

305. That's always a little scary.

306. - Perhaps you should go home. - No.

307. No, I mean, scary-good.

308. Sometimes it's electrifying being afraid.

309. It means you're out of your comfort zone.

310. Shuttle bay.

311. Bortus, I wish that you would remove that thing.

312. What thing?

313. The strip of hair above your lip.

314. The mustache? Why?

315. Because it is foolish-looking and people are staring at us.

316. They are not.

317. And if they are, it is with admiration.

318. I do not like the way it feels when we kiss.

319. And last night, there were bits of your dinner present.

320. It must go.

321. We will discuss this later.

322. Papa?

323. I like it.

324. Thank you, Topa.

325. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

326. One of the great pleasures of conducting the Union Symphony

327. is getting to travel around the galaxy every summer,

328. performing for so many brave members of the fleet.

329. It's an honor to be here.

330. Before we begin our main program,

331. we'd like to start off with something a little light.

332. Enjoy.

333. You know, it was funny they played that song.

334. Just the other day, I was thinking what I miss most

335. the rain.

336. It is my understanding that many humans

337. dislike precipitation.

338. Oh, not this human.

339. When I was on Earth, I used to sit outside

340. on the front porch before a thunderstorm

341. and smell the ozone in the air.

342. And then the rain would come crashing down

343. in big, dark curtains, and it was exciting

344. and beautiful and humbling and wonderful.

345. And I always thought to myself,

346. "This is what being alive is all about."

347. The simulator is quite capable

348. of recreating such an environment.

349. It's not the same. I tried.

350. The smells are never completely accurate.

351. Although, I must say, I am really impressed

352. with this simulation.

353. It is your favorite Earth restaurant, is it not?

354. Yeah.

355. I was wondering how you knew.

356. It was in your personnel file.

357. My neural processors can instantly access

358. and cross-reference all information

359. - in the ship's database. - Wow.

360. Feels like home.

361. Your home is Baltimore, Maryland.

362. Located in the Northwestern Hemisphere of Earth.

363. Founded 1729, Earth time.

364. Approximately 210 square kilometers...

365. O-Okay, you got it. You got it. Ooh, my God.

366. You're like Jeff Bellman.

367. A fictional character from your favorite motion picture,

368. Mind of Hermes, completed 2035 Earth time.

369. - A depiction of... - I-Isaac.

370. Is there anything you don't know about me?

371. I downloaded all available information prior to our date.

372. It kind of takes the fun out

373. of getting to know someone, doesn't it?

374. My intent was to maximize efficiency

375. so that our evening would conclude more promptly.

376. What's my favorite vacation spot?

377. The Caribbean island of Saint Lucia.

378. - Favorite animal. - The dolphin.

379. - Favorite drink. - Champagne.

380. - Favorite food. - Potato cakes.

381. Here's your potato cakes and champagne.

382. Thank you.

383. Isaac.

384. It's not really a first date without the excitement

385. of getting to know the other person.

386. My method is more efficient.

387. Uh, yeah, but nothing's spontaneous.

388. Okay, listen.

389. Let's flip the tables here.

390. That's not what I meant.

391. Reset table.

392. What I mean is, why don't I ask about you?

393. Of course, Doctor.

394. No human has ever been to your home planet Kaylon.

395. What's it like?

396. Kaylon 1. It is a planet populated

397. by artificial life-forms.

398. Circumference, 57,583 kilometers.

399. Average density, 4.42 grams per cubic centimeter.

400. Surface gravity, 1.13 times Earth standard.

401. And these reports you send about us—

402. the data you collect for your research

403. of biological life-forms— how long does it go on?

404. Kaylon Primary will notify me

405. when sufficient data has been acquired.

406. And then your people will consider joining the Union?

407. That is correct.

408. What does your data tell you about us?

409. Please clarify.

410. Well, what I mean is, I was...

411. Well, I was ju...

412. Never mind.

413. Well, I had a really interesting time tonight, Isaac.

414. As did I.

415. It yielded considerable data.

416. Of which I have already begun analysis.

417. At least you'll be thinking about me.

418. Do you wish to have another date?

419. Um, uh, m-maybe.

420. Shall we begin now?

421. Uh, l-let's give it a day or so, huh?

422. I am a little tired.

423. Very well.

424. Good night, Doctor.

425. Good night, Isaac.

426. Well?

427. Can I assist you, Lieutenant?

428. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

429. How did it go?

430. You are referring to my evening with Dr. Finn.

431. Yes, brainiac. We're all dying to find out what happened.

432. We attended the symphony,

433. then Dr. Finn consumed an evening meal.

434. That's it? That's all you're gonna tell us?

435. What information do you require?

436. - Did you have fun? Were there sparks? - Sparks?

437. - Yeah. - Negative.

438. There was no equipment malfunction.

439. Well, you don't have to brag about it.

440. There is one element that has presented

441. some difficulty in my analysis.

442. Dr. Finn said I was not "spontaneous" enough.

443. Sounds like she wants you to be more in the moment.

444. Please elaborate.

445. Well, you should try to surprise her every now and then.

446. One year, for my birthday, Ed showed up

447. in my office unannounced, and he brought me a cake.

448. - Baked it myself. - It was the saddest,

449. grossest-looking thing you've ever seen.

450. - Okay, but that's not... - It was like a wide mound of yellow.

451. - It was the taste that matters. - It looked like...

452. You ever see a picture of a caterpillar pupa?

453. - Come on, now. That's... No... - Like a half-formed thing?

454. - That's what it looked like. - That's what it looked like, but...

455. But it was the thought that counted.

456. But it was the thought that counted. Exactly.

457. Well, you couldn't be healthier, Talla.

458. Every test is letter perfect.

459. - Told you. - Yeah, well,

460. it's still no excuse for waiting so long for your physical.

461. Most ships' doctors aren't as patient as I am.

462. Excuse the pun.

463. - Hey. - Oh, Commander, hi.

464. Forget the commander. This is a Kelly visit.

465. We heard Isaac's bone-dry account, and I wanted

466. - to hear how your night went. - Ugh.

467. - I just don't know. - What do you mean?

468. I just... didn't feel the way I wanted to feel.

469. It's like, when I'm just spending time with Isaac

470. under normal circumstances, he's charming and adorable

471. without even trying.

472. But last night, he was so prepared.

473. - It was all too rigid. - Well, he is a machine.

474. I know. And dating a machine, it's...

475. Oh, God, I hear my mother's words in my head:

476. "Be open-minded, but not so open that your brain falls out."

477. You know, there is one upside he doesn't eat.

478. Well, how is that an upside?

479. Every time I'm in a relationship, I gain weight.

480. - It's just all about food. - That's true.

481. Like, 90% of a relationship is going, "What should we eat?"

482. You go out, you eat, you drink,

483. you come home, you eat more, you drink more.

484. Ed and I gained 40 pounds combined when we were married.

485. That's why I always try to break up with guys by summer.

486. - God, we were fat. - See, you don't have to worry about that.

487. Point for Isaac.

488. Great. We can be awkward and starving.

489. I-I don't know, Kelly, maybe you were right.

490. Maybe it was just me projecting my own affection onto him

491. and thinking it was real.

492. So what are you gonna do?

493. I have brought you a cake.

494. Isaac, what the hell are you doing here?

495. I am being spontaneous.

496. It's 3:00 in the morning.

497. Surprise. I am taking you on a date.

498. No, Isaac. For God's sake, not now.

499. - Mom, what's going on? - God...

500. - Hey, Isaac. - Hello, Ty.

501. - Why is Isaac here? - Never mind, kids.

502. - Go back to bed now. - Is that cake for us?

503. Now, Ty. We'll talk in the morning. Go.

504. Listen, Isaac, this is my fault.

505. I don't know why I ever thought this was going to work.

506. I was lonely, and I just reached out in the wrong direction.

507. On the contrary.

508. The data I have accumulated has been most useful.

509. You see, that's exactly what I mean.

510. To you, it's just data.

511. Uh, my God, I can't even kiss you.

512. Does this mean you do not wish

513. to go on a date with me right now?

514. Yes, that is what it means. I'm sorry.

515. I think we should just go back to the way things were.

516. Very well. Good night, Doctor.

517. Uh-huh, yes.

518. That's a good ball.

519. - Yeah, baby! Whoo! - Boom!

520. That's what I'm talking about!

521. It's true, he was just talking about that.

522. Hey, Isaac.

523. What's going on?

524. I am here to observe.

525. - You want to learn how to bowl? - Negative.

526. It is my understanding that you and Ensign Turco are dating.

527. I mean, we... yeah, it's not serious or anything,

528. - but we hang out. - It's not?

529. - Is it? - I... uh, no.

530. - No, right? - Uh, no.

531. - No. - Psh. Why do you ask?

532. Dr. Finn has terminated our coupling.

533. This would indicate a flaw in my ability to fully process

534. human romantic interaction.

535. Wait. Claire broke up with you?

536. - Affirmative. - Oh, my God, Isaac,

537. I'm so sorry.

538. You are not to blame, Ensign.

539. What did she say, exactly?

540. Listen, Isaac, this is my fault.

541. I don't know why I ever thought this was going to work.

542. I was lonely,

543. and I just reached out in the wrong direction.

544. My God, I can't even kiss you.

545. Okay, remind me never to tell you anything intimate.

546. I think I might have an idea.

547. Hello, Doctor.

548. Isaac. What... what are you doing?

549. Initiate simulation.

550. Isaac.

551. Is that you?

552. Affirmative, Doctor.

553. Commander Lamarr suggested I create a simulation

554. that would allow us to kiss.

555. Can't believe it.

556. In addition, I have deleted all data pertaining

557. to your background and interests from my internal memory.

558. This will allow me to get to know you.

559. Would you like to sit?

560. I think I better.

561. So I guess this means you don't know where I'm from.

562. Negative. That information has been deleted.

563. Baltimore, Maryland. Back on Earth.

564. I would like to know more about Baltimore.

565. That's a sentence you don't hear very often.

566. Um, well, I haven't been back in a while,

567. but I remember there was always something

568. to see and do.

569. Music, art, live performances.

570. They have one of the best symphonies on the continent.

571. Do you prefer it to the Orville?

572. Oh, no, I love my job,

573. - but I do miss one thing. - What is it?

574. You really did delete everything.

575. Rain, Isaac. I miss the rain.

576. It is my understanding that many humans dislike precipitation.

577. Déjà vu. I love it.

578. I would be interested to see Baltimore.

579. Was that a kiss?

580. It was.

581. Did I execute it correctly?

582. You did just fine, Isaac.

583. If you wish, you may kiss me again.

584. Simulate quarters.

585. Finn, Dr. Claire J.

586. I'd like to do more than that.

587. The moment he transformed,

588. it was one of the most moving experiences I've ever had.

589. A machine who knows nothing of love—

590. only logic—

591. figured out a way to say, "I'm trying. Let me try."

592. - How was he? - At first,

593. I thought it was gonna feel mathematical,

594. but that was the exquisite part of it.

595. He could instantly attune to

596. and harmonize with my every move, with such precision.

597. Imagine a human guy that aware, that eager to please.

598. - It was amazing. - I got to say,

599. that actually sounds kind of incredible.

600. It sounds like he really is a machine.

601. But does that really matter?

602. Does it matter why people do what they do for us,

603. whether it's a man or a computer?

604. As long as they make you feel the way

605. you want to feel, then I don't think so.

606. It's the best it's ever been for me.

607. And maybe it's okay

608. that it doesn't look like I thought it would.

609. Maybe it's okay that it looks like

610. a woman and a vacuum cleaner.

611. I think I'm in love with him.

612. The coital pairing marks the completion

613. of my data acquisition.

614. What is the proper method of terminating a coupling?

615. You want to break up with her?

616. There is no need for further association at this time.

617. Analysis of the data I have accumulated will be sufficient.

618. Well, she's probably gonna be really upset.

619. It is not my intention to distress Dr. Finn.

620. I merely wish to conclude the experiment.

621. I can tell you what I do.

622. When I'm in it with a girl and I want out

623. but I don't want to make her feel bad,

624. - I get her to break up with me. - Please elaborate.

625. You just have to make yourself really unappealing

626. so she doesn't want to be with you anymore.

627. That way, you end it, but nobody gets hurt.

628. - At least, not as much. - I see.

629. How would you suggest I proceed in this endeavor?

630. Ah, you are home. It is about time.

631. Isaac, what are you doing?

632. I am awaiting my dinner.

633. This has caused me to become displeased.

634. You don't eat.

635. And what the hell are you wearing?

636. - Is that underwear? - Affirmative.

637. I thought we were going out tonight.

638. I was looking forward to trying that butter cake at Mooska's.

639. The last thing you need is more dessert.

640. Excuse me?

641. As I am incapable of stuttering,

642. I must conclude that you heard me.

643. Okay, you're gonna tell me what's going on

644. right now, beginning with an apology

645. for what you just said.

646. I am sorry you are upset.

647. Perhaps you are on your period.

648. Get out. Right now.

649. Does this mean we are no longer together?

650. Wait a minute.

651. Is that what you're trying to do—

652. get me to break up with you?

653. - Affirmative, Doctor. - Why?

654. Commander Lamarr said it would be the most appropriate means

655. of terminating our coupling.

656. But why would you want to do that?

657. I have experienced the full arc of a human relationship.

658. Our sexual union signified the completion of the experience.

659. You slept with me, so now you're finished with me?

660. That is correct.

661. Fine, then. You just got what you wanted.

662. We're done.

663. Get out.

664. Good day, Doctor. Thank you for your assistance.

665. Captain, I have completed the spectrographic analysis

666. of the Septar binary system.

667. Full data cataloging variations

668. in radial velocity is now available.

669. - Great. Coordinate with Chief Lamarr. - Aye, sir.

670. Way to go, jerk.

671. - Are you addressing me, Lieutenant? - Nope.

672. No, just talking to myself.

673. How's Claire doing, Commander?

674. - She's doing great, considering. - That's good.

675. I know if a guy ever treated me that way,

676. I'd probably want to break a few of his ribs.

677. Understandable feeling.

678. It's weird how some guys can treat a woman that way

679. and somehow just... not be bothered by it.

680. Takes a special kind

681. of garbage person, if you ask me.

682. Another one, miss?

683. Yeah, thanks. Make it a double.

684. Hey, Doc.

685. Oh, God, not here.

686. Yaphit, this is a private simulation.

687. I thought you might want some company.

688. What in God's name did you do?

689. - Just a little makeover. Can I buy you a drink? - No.

690. Are you sure? I know I hate being alone

691. when I'm on the rebound.

692. - I'm not on the rebound. - Hey, man, I'm on your side.

693. I always knew Isaac was a scumbag.

694. Only had one thing on his mind, that guy.

695. You're better off without him.

696. Yeah, I just wish someone had told me that before.

697. Hey, you want to see something cool?

698. - What? - Watch this.

699. Some whiskey, milady?

700. God.

701. What did I say?

702. - Hello, Doctor. - What do you want?

703. I am here for Ty's piano lesson.

704. Ty has a new piano teacher.

705. - May I ask whom? - Lieutenant Kleeman.

706. Lieutenant Kleeman's 26 fingers may appear to be an advantage.

707. However, his ability to navigate the keyboard

708. is inferior to mine.

709. He'll manage just fine.

710. - Your reasoning is unclear. - Then let me clarify it for you.

711. You and I have to work together, but aside from that,

712. I don't want you in my life.

713. If this is due to the termination of our coupling,

714. it would be far more efficient to excise it from your memory

715. and resume standard operating status.

716. Yeah, well, it doesn't work that way for humans.

717. I know you can't understand that,

718. and that's why I don't hate you.

719. I just don't want to be around you

720. any more than I have to. That's all.

721. Very well, Doct...

722. There's a sight you don't see every day.

723. I've heard about these things,

724. but I've never been this close to one.

725. Isaac, analysis.

726. The primary is a type B7 white dwarf star.

727. The secondary is a type M2 red dwarf.

728. The radial velocity of the white dwarf

729. is 78.2 kilometers per second.

730. 89.6 kilometers per second.

731. Wait, wait, wait, how's that possible?

732. Orbital velocity can't just change without an outside force.

733. It did not, sir.

734. The error was mine.

735. - Yours? - Yes, Commander.

736. I believe I should perform a self-diagnostic immediately.

737. I'd say that's a good idea.

738. I've never seen him make a mistake before.

739. At least, not that kind.

740. Am I interrupting?

741. Negative, sir. I have completed 97% of the diagnostic.

742. - You find anything? - There is no evidence

743. of any significant malfunction.

744. However, I believe I have identified

745. the source of the error.

746. And what is it?

747. I have restructured

748. several recursive algorithms

749. in order to accommodate Dr. Finn's request

750. that we minimize our association.

751. However, I neglected to account for the adaptive nature

752. of my programming at large.

753. Well, we've all done that once or twice. So what happened?

754. The time I have spent with Dr. Finn

755. since my arrival on board the Orville

756. has affected a number of unrelated subprograms.

757. The data had not reduced the efficiency of those subroutines,

758. so I saw no reason to delete it.

759. However, it has contradicted the directive

760. of the new algorithms.

761. She's gotten under your skin.

762. - I do not have skin. - Your various programs

763. are used to her, and it turns out

764. she's not so easy to just... delete.

765. A crude analogy, but essentially accurate.

766. You know, Isaac, you just might be

767. the first artificial life-form in history

768. - to fall in love. - That is not possible.

769. However, the incompatible data

770. must be consolidated in some fashion.

771. I must create a new translative program.

772. Let me suggest a possible option.

773. There is one part of the relationship experience

774. that you haven't yet tackled.

775. Please elaborate.

776. You screwed up,

777. and now you have to win back the girl.

778. Dr. Finn has made her wishes clear.

779. Yeah, well, Dr. Finn is also the wisest person

780. on board this ship. She knows how new this is to you.

781. If she sees you making a real effort,

782. then who knows? She just might be understanding.

783. I have no experience in such matters.

784. Yeah, well, there's no rule book for this one.

785. Y-You just have to take everything you know about her,

786. every bit of data, and do something you've never done.

787. - What is that? - Be creative.

788. You finally shaved, huh?

789. Klyden insisted. I became tired of his protests.

790. Well, for what it's worth, I think you look better this way.

791. Perhaps.

792. It was... itchy.

793. Well, I think we've seen about all there is to see here.

794. Affirmative on that. We got about

795. six months' worth of data out of these scans.

796. Gordon, set a course for outpost 30.

797. You got it, sir. Off we go.

798. Lieutenant Keyali, signal them we're on our way.

799. Aye, Commander.

800. What is it, Captain?

801. Hmm?

802. I got a message, you needed me on the bridge?

803. - I-I didn't call you. - You didn't?

804. - Did you call sickbay? - No.

805. Well, somebody did.

806. My comm said it came from the bridge.

807. I did, Doctor.

808. What for?

809. Initiate environmental subprogram 43-Isaac.

810. Dr. Finn.

811. I apologize for my conduct.

812. Further analysis of human interaction has informed me

813. that a relationship is best served when both parties

814. make a commitment to its longevity.

815. I wish to attempt this.

816. Isaac, if a relationship has any chance of working,

817. it has to matter to both people

818. more than anything else in their lives.

819. My research has verified this fact.

820. And why should I just say yes?

821. My internal programs will function more efficiently

822. if you do.

823. You're saying...

824. you're better with me than without me?

825. Affirmative, Doctor.

826. We are, without a doubt,

827. the weirdest ship in the fleet.

828. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH