The Orville 2x1

1. How long you had that thing?

2. Had the computer replicate it last week.

3. I'm trying to warm the place up a little bit, you know?

4. Get a nice vibe going.

5. The late-night jazz, depressed-guy-at-the-bar vibe?

6. I can help you with that.

7. - There you go. - Thanks.

8. Yeah, I'm gonna have to request

9. an extra monthly shipment of this stuff just for you, Cap.

10. You know what the worst days are, Olix?

11. The days when you can't stay busy.

12. No Krill confrontations, no spatial anomalies,

13. just nothing going on

14. and all your thoughts just march inward.

15. - So most days. - Hey.

16. Mind if I join you?

17. Alara. No. Pull up a chair. I can use an extra liver.

18. Xelayans don't have livers.

19. I'll have a double...

20. Double Xelayan tequila. Here you go.

21. Oh, boy. Am I that much of a lush?

22. If you want to be alone, I could take off.

23. No, no, you're all good.

24. It's just, um, I see you in here a lot lately, you know?

25. After hours.

26. Oh, my God, don't tell me the crew is talking.

27. No, no, nothing like that. It's just...

28. Look, I know it's none of my business,

29. but if you ever need an ear, I've got two, big, pointy ones.

30. No, that's nice of you, but there's nothing I can tell you

31. the whole crew doesn't already know.

32. Believe me, I get it.

33. I'm used to people talking about my love life.

34. You know, there are times when I feel like you and I are

35. more alike than any two people on the ship.

36. How so?

37. Well, we both know we're good at our jobs

38. and yet we also seem to be the only two people

39. who are haunted by this little voice that's always whispering

40. that we don't really deserve to be here.

41. - And we're both alcoholics. - Heads up. It's a party.

42. Hey, Bortus. Pull up a chair.

43. I do not wish to imbibe, sir.

44. I am here to request that we alter course.

45. Alter course? To where?

46. - Moclus. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up.

47. This is, this is not another baby thing, is it?

48. No. Sir, you are aware

49. that Moclans urinate only once per year.

50. - I am, yeah. - It is my time.

51. Well, you wanted something to do.

52. Okay. Now, I know this is gonna sound

53. utterly insane to most of you

54. and your first instinct may be to laugh,

55. but we're all going to take this seriously,

56. so I don't want to hear any jokes,

57. no snide remarks, nothing.

58. Now... Kelly?

59. We're diverting course to Moclus

60. to... watch Bortus pee.

61. You want to, you want to elaborate on that?

62. I am sorry to be late, Captain.

63. No, Bortus, actually, you're just in time.

64. I think it's best if you explain the ceremony to the group.

65. Yes, sir.

66. Once a year, every Moclan must prepare for his Ja'loja,

67. the Great Release.

68. They must travel to their N'kafas,

69. a place they select during childhood.

70. There, amidst family and friends, a Moclan urinates,

71. signifying a cleansing of the spirit

72. and the beginning of a new year in his life.

73. As you are my closest friends, I would like you to be there.

74. What if it's, like, a windy day?

75. The ceremony is followed by a celebration

76. for which the captain has allowed the use

77. of the Orville's mess hall.

78. You are all invited to attend with a mate.

79. Okay. Any questions?

80. Yeah, like a million, but I'm not gonna ask.

81. Union Central has granted clearance for the diversion

82. as the course aligns with outpost 58,

83. where, as you all know, we're scheduled

84. to take on board our new dark matter cartographer.

85. And Bortus, if you need any time off to make preparations,

86. feel free to relieve yourself.

87. No, it's-it's okay, man.

88. - He's just taking the piss out of you. - Okay, that's it.

89. Dismissed. We're done. We're done.

90. Come in.

91. - Hey. - Hey.

92. Listen, I know we haven't talked much lately,

93. but I want to have a conversation with you about us.

94. You know what? Stop right there. You don't have to say it.

95. - I don't? - No, you don't.

96. Look, I have been drowning in late-night bourbons

97. and I haven't been myself for a while.

98. I should've communicated with you and I didn't.

99. That's totally understandable.

100. But-but let me finish. Let me finish.

101. If you want to give this another shot, I'm in.

102. I'm seeing someone.

103. Oh, my God.

104. - I am, I am an idiot. - No. No, you're not.

105. - I am a complete and total jackass. - Ed, you are not an idiot.

106. - Listen to me. - Who-who-who is it?

107. - Who are you seeing? - It's not important.

108. - Why? Is it someone I know? - It's not important.

109. Look, you're gonna meet him. I just, I wanted you to know.

110. - Where? Wh-where am I gonna meet him? - I was...

111. I was thinking about bringing him to Bortus's Ja'loja party

112. and I-I didn't want you to be caught off guard.

113. How long has this been going on?

114. - About a month. - A month?

115. Ed, I know what happened between us has been hard on you

116. and I don't know, I guess I just,

117. I wanted to give you time to heal a bit.

118. Wow. You-you really do not know

119. what is going on in my head, do you?

120. Kelly, this is not a heal up and move on kind of thing.

121. Okay? I still love you.

122. I-I haven't been able to function.

123. I've been trying to figure out how to keep my brain busy

124. just so I can stop thinking about...

125. You know, I-I played backgammon with Isaac last week, Kelly.

126. Backgammon. That is a low point for a man.

127. You're trying to tell me you still don't understand

128. why this doesn't work?

129. Do you still love me?

130. Let me pitch a hypothetical here.

131. We're orbiting a planet and you have to assemble a landing party

132. for a mission that's essential to save lives,

133. but guaranteed to be fatal to the team.

134. Whoever goes down there dies.

135. Bortus and I are equally qualified to lead the mission.

136. Which one do you send?

137. What are the specifics of the scenario?

138. Doesn't matter. Who do you pick?

139. - What's the required skill set? - We both qualify.

140. See, I would have to have more information...

141. You can't answer and that's the point.

142. You shouldn't have to.

143. Come on. Any two officers, that would be a tough call.

144. You're trying to tell me you would send the woman you love?

145. Really? And in that scenario,

146. just think about how that devalues Bortus's life.

147. How do I know what I would do in that situation? Who would?

148. And I don't want either of us to ever have to make that choice.

149. Ed, timing is everything.

150. Oh, come on. That's a cliché and it's a bunch of crap.

151. - No, it's not. - It is.

152. People love saying that

153. but it blows free will out the air lock.

154. If two people care about each other,

155. the choice to love should transcend timing

156. and anything less is cowardice.

157. I'm gonna go check in with outpost 58.

158. My God. This ship is amazing.

159. Your file said this is your first posting

160. - on an exploratory vessel? - First time. Yep. Can't wait.

161. Well, it's a great crew. You're gonna like it here.

162. And this is our captain.

163. Sir, this is Lieutenant Tyler,

164. - our new dark matter cartographer. - Oh, hey.

165. - Pleasure to have you on board. - Oh, please.

166. Pleasure's mine, sir. I've been posted mostly

167. on science vessels and outposts,

168. so I am really excited to be here.

169. An explorer at heart, huh?

170. Since I was a kid. You have no idea.

171. Visiting uncharted planets and meeting new species—

172. this is a dream come true.

173. Uh, can I ask our course heading?

174. We're on our way to watch

175. our second officer go to the bathroom.

176. Anyway, welcome.

177. Our first officer, Commander Grayson.

178. Lieutenant Janel Tyler reporting for duty, sir.

179. Commander Kelly Grayson. Welcome aboard.

180. If you don't mind, I'd like to familiarize myself

181. with your navigational array.

182. - It's all yours. - Thanks.

183. Hi.

184. Gordon Malloy. Welcome to the Orville.

185. Thank you. I was just telling your security chief

186. - how excited I am to be here. - That's awesome.

187. Awesome.

188. Yeah, it's... it's pretty great.

189. - I bet. - Yeah.

190. I-I-I love it here.

191. Like, I know for a lot of people work is work, you know?

192. But for me...

193. coming... coming in here every day

194. is like...

195. that's not work.

196. You know? I'm al... I'm always like,

197. "Really? This is my job? How did I win at life?"

198. But... I did.

199. I won.

200. Yeah.

201. I mean...

202. look, if I'm, if I'm not playing my guitar...

203. this is where I want to be.

204. Right here.

205. - You play the guitar? - Hmm?

206. - I said, you play the guitar? - I do.

207. I do, yeah. Yeah, I think it's important

208. for a man to know how to play an instrument, you know?

209. Yeah.

210. If these fingers could talk.

211. Now you try.

212. Very good, Ty.

213. - You have been practicing. - Yeah.

214. Mom makes me practice a half hour every day.

215. How long did it take you to learn piano?

216. Approximately one-millionth of a nanosecond.

217. Wow.

218. Hey there. How's my little Mozart doing?

219. His technique is improving, Doctor.

220. I believe he is ready to begin exploring

221. more challenging pieces.

222. Looking good there, big guy. Mwah!

223. Isaac said I'm "very adequate for a human."

224. Oh, yeah? Well, go get cleaned up for dinner.

225. Hey, Mom, can James and I go to the simulator?

226. - I assume this is James? - Yeah.

227. Hello, James. I'm Marcus's mom.

228. Hey.

229. Dinner's in half an hour.

230. You finish your homework?

231. - Yeah. - Okay. Let's see it.

232. - I don't have it on me. - Then where is it?

233. - I did it at school. - Then go get it,

234. and maybe you can go to the simulator.

235. - Bro, is your mom always such a pain in the ass? - James...

236. do I know your parents?

237. - I don't know. - Well, I'm sure they

238. want you home for dinner, too, so I suggest

239. you scoot your own ass on out of here. Now.

240. Later, man.

241. No. Mom!

242. What the hell is your problem?

243. That was my friend.

244. A) You watch your mouth; and B)

245. That's not the kind of friend I want you hanging around with.

246. Well, everybody at school likes him.

247. And you don't even know him, so how can you talk?

248. You really want to be friends with someone

249. who calls your mother a pain in the ass?

250. I'll be in my room.

251. Nobody told me it would be this bad.

252. Is there a reason your son has become

253. - uncharacteristically combative? - Isaac,

254. I have no idea.

255. I never raised a teenager before,

256. and I don't have a clue as to how to get to him.

257. It's like he hates me for no reason.

258. Have you examined him for unidentified viruses

259. or neurological disease?

260. No, of course not.

261. If he is carrying a biological foreign agent

262. that could infect the rest of the crew...

263. No, Isaac, he's-he's not sick.

264. He's just... growing up, and I can't stop it.

265. Are there not chemical compounds that could effectively stunt

266. his physical development?

267. My gosh, what's the matter with you?

268. I am merely trying to assist.

269. Okay, well, then just... play something sweet and jazzy.

270. We shouldn't be doing this.

271. Shut up. I'm almost there.

272. What if somebody comes in?

273. These are empty quarters. Chill.

274. My mom's gonna kill me if she finds out.

275. I'm gonna kill you if you don't shut up.

276. Ah.

277. Ha-ha! Yes!

278. One bottle of vodka.

279. Come on, let's go.

280. I'm not asking for a complete security manifest.

281. I'm just... curious what you know about her.

282. I don't know anything— I met her yesterday, just like you.

283. Yeah, but... you have to clear all incoming personnel,

284. so you see all the files.

285. May I join you?

286. Sure. Have a seat.

287. Okay. Did she say anything

288. that had the word "boyfriend" in it?

289. No. She literally just talked

290. about how excited she was to be on the Orville. That's it.

291. - What is the problem? - Gordon has a crush on the new cartographer.

292. I don't have a crush, for God's sakes.

293. I... just want to know what her deal is, you know?

294. And I thought maybe I would see if she wanted to go

295. - to Bortus's Ja'loja party. - Well, then ask her.

296. Well, how do you think I should do that?

297. - "Hey, I'm Gordon. You like pee?" - Please, I am

298. the last person you should be asking for dating advice.

299. You know what kind of luck I've had on this ship.

300. Maybe you should ask John?

301. This is more his department.

302. John, I need to talk to you.

303. Yeah, what's up?

304. It's... sort of private.

305. - Okay, so what is it? - I need your guidance.

306. You know the new cartographer, Janel?

307. I sure do. How could you miss her?

308. I want to ask her to be my date to Bortus's Ja'loja,

309. but I have, like, zero game, and I know you're kind of, like,

310. the girl guru on the ship, so...

311. - I figured you could help me. - Uh...

312. - you must've heard about the Keribex. - The what?

313. That's why everybody thinks I'm the guru.

314. You ever met a Keribex?

315. - No. - It's an alien with two heads.

316. I dated one for about two months last year, and here's the thing:

317. I dated both heads at the same time,

318. and neither of them found out about the other one.

319. - Wow. - Yeah, it'd still be going on,

320. but the left head always wanted to go hiking,

321. and that's just sort of a deal-breaker for me.

322. Well, Janel only has one head.

323. Yeah, I can help you.

324. Now, the star itself has a number of planets and moons

325. in its orbit, but which one of them caused the dispute

326. that led to the Battle of Tarazed?

327. Anyone?

328. James. Which planet?

329. - I don't know. - It was in your reading last night.

330. - Did you do your homework? - Yeah, but...

331. Commander Bortus ate it, so...

332. Marcus.

333. Maybe you'd like to answer that question.

334. I don't know, either.

335. Did Bortus eat your homework, too?

336. Well, the Moclan digestive system is indeed fascinating,

337. so for tomorrow, James, Marcus, each of you can write

338. a 1,000-word essay on its internal mechanisms

339. and how they function.

340. Class dismissed.

341. Hey.

342. - Hi. - How you doing?

343. Mm. Better than you, apparently.

344. Man, those kids are rough.

345. Yeah, I've seen a lot worse. You know, I expect it

346. from James, but I'm a little concerned

347. Marcus is getting caught up in it.

348. He's a good kid.

349. Well, he has a great mom

350. and a really great teacher.

351. - Hmm. - So I'm not too worried.

352. - We still doing dinner tonight? - You bet.

353. And... there's something I want to ask you.

354. - What? - I'll tell you at dinner.

355. Oh, no, no. Come on, you can't do that.

356. - It'll keep you in suspense. - Just tell me.

357. If you're charming enough tonight.

358. - I'm always charming. - Good.

359. Then you'll get to hear it.

360. Lieutenant.

361. I'm gonna take a shuttle out—

362. I'll be back in a little bit.

363. Okay, sir. Do you want me to assign a copilot?

364. No. I'm just gonna go for a drive.

365. Yes, sir.

366. Commander, I have the status report on the weapons upgrade.

367. Thank you, Lieutenant. Uh, Lieutenant.

368. Yeah?

369. I could not help overhearing you discuss your complaint

370. - in the mess hall. - Complaint?

371. I am led to understand that you are a failure

372. in the practice of mating.

373. Well, I don't think I'd put it exactly like that,

374. but yeah, things could be better.

375. There is a young officer under my command

376. who I have noticed also has no mate.

377. If you wish, I will order him to mate with you.

378. Wow, that is the sweetest and most totally wrong thing

379. anyone has ever said to me.

380. I have no reason to doubt his seed is fertile.

381. Okay. Let's just slow down.

382. Bortus, are you trying to fix me up on a date?

383. It is bad luck to attend a Ja'loja unaccompanied.

384. Well, we wouldn't want to invite any bad luck, would we?

385. - Then you will accept him? - Well, don't order him

386. to do anything, but if you want to let him know

387. that I'm up for meeting him, sure.

388. Only because I'm totally and completely fascinated

389. by what's happening here right now.

390. Who would've thought you were a yenta?

391. - A what? - Ask Kelly.

392. Okay.

393. Out with it. No more suspense.

394. Mm. Okay, well...

395. I think...

396. I would like it a lot if you came with me

397. to Bortus's Ja'loja.

398. - Really? - Yeah.

399. That's going public.

400. - It's going public, yes. - Well, what about Ed?

401. - I told him I'm seeing someone. - Does he know that it's me?

402. No, but he knows I'm gonna have a date to the party.

403. Guys are weird, Kel. The first time you see your ex

404. with another man, it can be pretty debilitating.

405. Well, he's gonna have to get used to it eventually.

406. And yes, Ed can be an intense guy.

407. But he also, at the end of the day,

408. is very capable of adapting to new situations.

409. I mean, he may balk at first,

410. but he's gonna at least want to appear to be classy about it.

411. All right.

412. You got yourself a date.

413. - Yeah? - Yeah.

414. Oh, no way.

415. What's wrong?

416. What do you say we take that bottle of wine to the simulator?

417. Fire up a little moonlight on the beach?

418. - Sounds good to me. - Let's go.

419. Oh, man.

420. What's the big deal?

421. It was just a little vodka.

422. First of all, I will ask the questions,

423. and you will answer the questions. Do you understand?

424. Do you understand?

425. - Yes. - And second of all,

426. it is a very big deal. Not just because you drank,

427. but because you... Ty, uh, go back to your room.

428. But I want to watch Marcus get yelled at.

429. - Now, Ty. - Aw.

430. You hacked a food synthesizer. You're in a lot of trouble.

431. James is the one who hacked it. I didn't even touch it.

432. Oh, your new best friend James? That James?

433. Well, you're not gonna be hanging out with him anymore,

434. I can tell you that.

435. - Oh, come on, Mom. - Marcus.

436. If anything else that does not reek of contrition

437. comes out of that mouth,

438. you will be grounded for the rest of your life.

439. You understand?

440. Look.

441. All I want to know is where this is coming from.

442. You haven't been yourself at all lately,

443. and you're acting like you hate the universe.

444. Now, I'm pissed as hell at you, but I love you.

445. I-I...

446. I just want you to talk to me.

447. All right. Go to your room.

448. I'm starting to think that I suck at this parenting thing.

449. I must agree with that assessment.

450. Well, what would you have done?

451. My anthropological studies have revealed

452. many different methods of discipline

453. employed throughout human history.

454. Perhaps compulsory consumption of further quantities of alcohol

455. would diminish his desire for the substance.

456. Pour booze down his throat until he can't handle any more?

457. - Precisely. - Yeah, that's called murder, Isaac.

458. - That's not gonna work. - I see.

459. I thank you for allowing me to observe this conflict, Doctor.

460. It has been most illuminating.

461. Oh.

462. Always here to entertain.

463. Yeah. Yep.

464. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. That's good.

465. Yeah, you look like the guy who's on the list

466. - 'cause you know the DJ. - Does it work?

467. It does, yeah.

468. Feels like too many zippers.

469. Oh, no, no. Always go with one more zipper

470. than you're comfortable with.

471. - Oh. - You know what it says?

472. - What? - "Boom."

473. - Really? - Yeah.

474. Cool.

475. And that's where you want to start.

476. You want to walk in with boom.

477. - Boom. - Yeah, yeah, not like that, but yeah.

478. - Right. - Just let the threads do the work.

479. Yeah, you're just a passenger, kicking back,

480. along for the ride.

481. Just a guy riding a jacket.

482. - You feel good? - Yeah, I do. I do.

483. I'm still nervous, but yeah.

484. Why you nervous? You're a good looking dude, you're funny.

485. - Just be yourself. - Well, I've just...

486. You know, I've-I've only ever been with women who liked me.

487. You know? Never the other way around.

488. I mean, I'd ask girls out and get rejected,

489. but if she made the first move, we'd end up dating.

490. - Ah, I get it. - This is a perfect example:

491. when I lived on Earth, I actually once had a stalker.

492. - No way. - Yeah, this girl from work.

493. She used to hang around outside my house

494. and it got really weird.

495. Then one night, she broke in,

496. and I told her I was gonna have to call Union security.

497. But we ended up talking.

498. Turned out, we actually had a lot in common.

499. We ended up seeing each other for five months,

500. and then she dumpedme.

501. - What? - Said I was too clingy.

502. You got dumped by your own stalker?

503. That's nuts, huh?

504. You think I should call her?

505. Yeah, I think we need, like, one more zipper.

506. Hey.

507. Hey.

508. Can I help you?

509. - I'm Dann. - I know.

510. - You're Alara. - Right again.

511. Wait, did...

512. did-did Bortus send you?

513. Yeah. Can I sit down?

514. Oh, my God.

515. - He thinks we'd be a good match. - I don't believe it.

516. I wonder what kinds of things we have in common.

517. Um, well, uh, we obviously both know Bortus.

518. Well, there's one.

519. - Ha. - So, uh,

520. want to get a drink sometime?

521. Look, Dann, I'll be honest with you.

522. I'm not so great

523. at the whole dating thing, and I don't think

524. we're as good of a match as Bortus thinks we are.

525. Well, I guess you never know until you try.

526. Yeah, but I-I...

527. It's my big old stupid dumb head, isn't it?

528. No. No, it has nothing to do with that, it's...

529. You don't have to be nice.

530. My species has a hard time

531. meeting people outside our home planet.

532. We're just not super appealing, I guess.

533. But sometimes a person can be special on the inside,

534. and if you don't look under the surface,

535. you could miss something great.

536. And possibly be single the rest of your life.

537. Or at least for Bortus's Ja'loja.

538. Okay. All right, you know, what the hell?

539. Let's do drinks.

540. Sweetness.

541. Come in.

542. Hey.

543. Did you take a shuttle out last night?

544. Uh, no.

545. The shuttle bay log says you did.

546. Oh.

547. Gordon.

548. - Ha. What about Gordon? - We...

549. we have this running bit that we do where we put

550. each other's names in the shuttle log

551. when we didn't actually take a shuttle out.

552. And then when the other one finds out,

553. it's just like, "Oh, my God. Embarrassing.

554. I didn't take that shuttle. Ah."

555. It's... it's-it's that.

556. - You did a drive-by. - Huh?

557. Don't deny it. I saw you.

558. I did not do a drive-by.

559. - That's insane. - Your name

560. is in the log, and you did a drive-by.

561. I had to get some air.

562. We're in space.

563. Did you see what you needed to see?

564. - Cassius. Really? - Oh my God, I knew it.

565. Is it-is it "Cassius," or is it "Cass-ius"?

566. - It's Cassius. - Ca— Okay, so you're dating Cass-ius.

567. - Yes. Yes, I am. - Okay.

568. - Go ahead, say it. - Say what?

569. Whatever snarky jab you were about to make.

570. I saw him in the mess hall using both hands to sip his tea.

571. Okay, here's what's gonna have to happen.

572. We're all living and working on the same ship together.

573. So you're going to have to somehow find a way

574. to make peace with this because if what happened last night

575. ever happens again, I'm going to request a transfer.

576. Gosh, you know, I'm really impressed

577. that you can adjust your feelings like a knob on a radio,

578. - but I can't do that. - You think moving on

579. was any easier for me than it was for you?

580. Apparently, since you're the one dating the "two hand tea" man.

581. We've been over this. We cannot be together.

582. I still love you. Okay? Do you still love me?

583. It's not that simple.

584. Yes, it is. Kelly, it is that simple.

585. If two people love each other, it is exactly that simple.

586. A captain and his first officer

587. cannot be in a relationship together.

588. For God's sake, Ed, you know that.

589. Do you love me?

590. How I feel is not the issue.

591. Okay, then.

592. Have fun with Cass-ius.

593. You know,

594. if you got to know him, believe it or not,

595. I-I think you'd actually like him.

596. I doubt it.

597. I have a bunch of work I have to do, so...

598. Come in.

599. Hi.

600. Can I help you?

601. Hi, Dr. Finn. I'm Jody Duncan.

602. This is my husband, Nathan.

603. We're James's parents.

604. Oh. Nice to meet you.

605. Well, I wish it were under more ideal circumstances.

606. We wanted to talk to you about what happened, with the alcohol.

607. Yeah, I know this is uncomfortable for all of us,

608. but I just think, given the circumstances,

609. that it's best if Marcus doesn't spend time with James right now.

610. Well, of course we agree with you,

611. but, um, we feel it's more serious than that.

612. Well, he is your son,

613. but if you're here asking for my professional advice,

614. - I think maybe talking... - Uh, no.

615. This isn't about our son. This is about Marcus.

616. What about Marcus?

617. Marcus was the one who hacked the synthesizer.

618. You do know that, right?

619. No, I don't.

620. Oh. It was his idea to steal the vodka.

621. Now, James shouldn't have gone along with it,

622. and we will be punishing him,

623. but we just don't think Marcus is someone James should be

624. spending time with right now, all due respect to you.

625. We're gonna request that Marcus

626. be transferred from the class.

627. We just wanted to let you know first,

628. out of courtesy.

629. Are you on drugs?

630. Excuse me?

631. James was the ringleader, not Marcus.

632. That's ridiculous. James told us what happened.

633. Yeah, well, Marcus tells a different story.

634. Our son doesn't lie.

635. - How well do you know your son? - What does that mean?

636. He called me a "pain in the ass" the other day.

637. That is insane.

638. There is no way James would say that.

639. Now, he is a very independent,

640. strong-minded young man, but he is always respectful.

641. Respectful, my butt.

642. Dr. Finn...

643. I have great admiration for you.

644. Being a single mother is challenging,

645. and I am sure that it's easy to make mistakes.

646. Regardless,

647. we will be scheduling a parent-teacher conference.

648. You are more than welcome to join.

649. Count on it.

650. - Are you kidding me? - What?

651. What do you mean, what? "We've all been there"?

652. That's your response?

653. I don't know. Haven't you ever done a drive-by?

654. No. Have you?

655. I might've, once or twice.

656. My God, every man in the galaxy is a psychopath.

657. Look, he's hurt.

658. It sucks. We all can relate to it. He acted rashly,

659. but I think it's okay for us to be understanding.

660. - Do you always have to do that? - Do what?

661. Be so... evolved?

662. I just don't understand why you're upset with me.

663. Honestly? Because your "high road" attitude

664. is making me feel like I'm overreacting,

665. when I know for a fact that I'm right.

666. Do you want me to be jealous?

667. No. I mean, I don't know.

668. Yeah. Yes, maybe a little.

669. I don't see how that's productive.

670. Cassius,

671. this is not your classroom.

672. I am your girlfriend, and right now,

673. I'm feeling completely disconnected from you.

674. I am not going to be angry with Ed if I don't feel it.

675. Look, if you just calm down a little, there's no reason...

676. - Oh, man. - What?

677. Never mind.

678. Program Lamarr 3594.

679. Okay, here we go. Begin simulation.

680. Be yourself, go over there, and ask her out.

681. Hi, there.

682. Hi.

683. I'm Gordon. What's your name?

684. Danielle.

685. Hi, Danielle, I'm Gordon.

686. Want to go back to my place?

687. Whoa, whoa, hang on. Hold.

688. Uh, what's the difficulty level?

689. One.

690. Ah, there's the problem.

691. Reset difficulty level to eight.

692. Resetting.

693. Okay, go.

694. Hey there.

695. Oh, God, not another one.

696. My name's Gordon. Mind if I sit down?

697. Listen, guy, I have been hit on by four different dudes

698. from four different species tonight.

699. One of them had his organs on the outside.

700. My boyfriend just dumped me, and all I want to do is drink alone.

701. Well, then... why'd you come out?

702. I like the noise.

703. Well... if you just want to talk and...

704. I don't.

705. Okay, this is level eight.

706. What's level nine?

707. Level nine, she's still dating the guy.

708. - And level ten? - She's married and has a gun.

709. So what do I do?

710. Just be creative, be charming. Figure it out.

711. I have six months left to live,

712. and all I want to do is get to know you before I die.

713. - Are you serious? - Yeah.

714. - You're dying? - So totally dying, it's ridiculous.

715. Nobody's dying more than me.

716. This is probably my last night out, ever, 'cause I'm dying.

717. Well, I guess I'd be a jerk

718. if I didn't at least let you get me a drink.

719. Boom! There it is. Hold simulation.

720. - I can't tell Janel I'm dying. - That's not the point.

721. The point is, you're thinking on your feet, you're improvising.

722. - That's what it's all about. - Okay.

723. I think you're ready.

724. - Hello, Doctor. - Isaac,

725. - do you think I'm a bad parent? - Yes.

726. Well, a computer doesn't lie.

727. You appear displeased.

728. James's parents are accusing Marcus

729. of hacking the food synthesizer, and I have to ask myself:

730. Is it possible they're right?

731. Did I go wrong somewhere along the line with my son?

732. Parenting is always guesswork,

733. but have I made too many bad guesses?

734. What do you intend to do?

735. They want a parent-teacher meeting to decide the issue.

736. I would be most interested in observing such a ritual.

737. May I accompany you?

738. - You'd come with me? - Yes.

739. Well, then it won't be two against one.

740. "Two against one."

741. Do you anticipate hand-to-hand combat?

742. Possibly.

743. Hey there, Lieutenant. I hope you're not getting stood up.

744. - No, I'm actually just early. - Would you like me to get you

745. a little boozer or something while you're waiting?

746. It's okay. Thanks, Mooska.

747. You got it.

748. Hey, hey.

749. Hey, hey, there. How's it going?

750. Amazing. I got a massage today. I feel like a noodle.

751. Cool.

752. Listen.

753. I... I felt like we really connected when we met,

754. and, uh...

755. I, uh...

756. Wow, a little-little more nervous

757. than I thought.

758. What is it?

759. - I wrote a poem. - A poem.

760. I write poetry as a hobby,

761. and I felt inspired. Okay, you ready?

762. "Yearning. Passion. Search.

763. "Who will feed the coals of joy

764. "in the stove of emotion?

765. My fingers ache to penetrate the hearth..."

766. "Love is the fishhook

767. that hooks the fish." What do you think?

768. - It's really good. - Be brutally honest.

769. I need absolute honesty or I can't grow as an artist.

770. No, it's-it's great.

771. You won't offend me, just tell me the truth.

772. W-Well, um...

773. It's maybe a little surface-y.

774. Oh.

775. Like, I-I-it doesn't ask anything of the listener.

776. The imagery's a little obvious, so there's nothing to unearth.

777. And there's no room for subjective interpretation.

778. Okay.

779. Boy, got a little chilly in here all of a sudden, didn't it?

780. You said to be honest.

781. Yeah, well, I didn't say take a dump all over my spirit.

782. I didn't say that.

783. I'm just...

784. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

785. Come in.

786. - Captain. Hi. - No, you don't have to get up.

787. No, no, it's fine. Can I get you a drink?

788. Yeah. Actually, a drink would be good.

789. So...

790. - what can I do for you? - Well, I...

791. owe you an apology.

792. Apology? For what?

793. That's nice of you to say,

794. but I think we both know what.

795. Listen, Cass-ius...

796. - Cassius. - Damn.

797. Um...

798. look, this is a small ship,

799. and...

800. it's just gonna take me a minute

801. to adjust to this new reality.

802. Well, trust me, your learning curve

803. is nothing compared to mine.

804. What do you mean?

805. Kelly and I had a fight,

806. she walked out on me— and I am so sorry, this is

807. probably the last thing that you want to hear.

808. Well, nobody fights better than Kelly, huh?

809. I've just, I've been independent for so long that I think the way

810. I think, and I sometimes forget that another person's involved.

811. Were you ever married?

812. Yeah. Yeah, I was...

813. an aspiring paleontologist— I wanted to be the one

814. to discover the next unclassified species,

815. make a name for myself.

816. And my work drove me to succeed,

817. but it also drove a stake right through my marriage.

818. My God, she definitely has a type, doesn't she?

819. Huh?

820. Do you love her?

821. I do.

822. Very much.

823. What, um...

824. what was it you said that made her walk out?

825. Ah, well, I... I was actually defending you,

826. and she said that I was being "too evolved,"

827. and I told her to calm down, and...

828. Ooh. Ooh, you didn't say "calm down."

829. - I-I did. - Oh, boy. Yeah, that's, um...

830. Oh, well, I was just trying to see things reasonably

831. - from all sides. - And that's great,

832. and I appreciate that.

833. It's just...

834. Here's my theory.

835. A woman can't really love a man unless he's part dope.

836. Be a little stupid every day,

837. and really stupid once in a while, but...

838. just don't be perfect.

839. That's not easy.

840. Journey.

841. What?

842. She likes Journey.

843. - Traveling? - No, no, the old band, Journey.

844. You'll find them in the archives.

845. Look, just get some Merlot,

846. cook a dinner, put on "Open Arms."

847. - And what is... - Just do it.

848. And... you know, I'm gonna go now

849. and, uh, bang my head against a wall.

850. So good night.

851. Whew. Okay.

852. All we're asking is that Marcus be placed in a different class.

853. We want to rest easy knowing

854. that James isn't being influenced

855. by negative elements at school.

856. Marcus wasn't the one who started this.

857. Look, I know you think your son is this sweet little angel,

858. but trust me, he's got you snowed.

859. Okay. Let's all just try to calm dow...

860. try to be respectful of the process here.

861. We all want to get to the bottom of this.

862. Now, truthfully, both of your boys

863. have shown rebellious tendencies lately.

864. - James? - Yes.

865. Well, then it must have begun when he started

866. - hanging around Marcus. - May I ask

867. how James is faring in his studies?

868. James gets straight As.

869. That's... not completely accurate.

870. I've seen his report cards.

871. Well, I mean, he-he does fine,

872. but he's a B-minus student, occasional "C."

873. Not worth being overly concerned,

874. but he definitely has more smarts

875. - than he gives his work. - Okay, wait.

876. This doesn't make any sense.

877. May I access your class files?

878. Of course.

879. As I suspected.

880. His official report card shows consistent As.

881. - That's right. - Mm-hmm.

882. Further analysis reveals

883. a recent alteration using external algorithms.

884. The entry code corresponds

885. to your comscanner, Lieutenant.

886. - Mine? - Doctor, would you describe

887. Marcus's academic performance?

888. Um, he gets Bs, usually,

889. maybe one or two As.

890. That is accurate.

891. It is reasonable to surmise

892. that whoever hacked into the food synthesizer

893. would also possess the resourcefulness

894. to enter the student records database.

895. As James's grades have been altered

896. and Marcus's have not, one must conclude

897. James is the guilty party.

898. I...

899. I can't believe it.

900. It would seem that your accusations

901. were unwarranted, Nathan and Jody.

902. I will be forced to report your son's violations

903. to Commander Grayson.

904. In the meantime,

905. I would recommend you discipline your son accordingly.

906. Oh, my gosh, you were amazing.

907. I love you.

908. I merely inferred the most likely scenario

909. using the available facts

910. and my own observations of the children.

911. Isaac...

912. would you be my date to Bortus's Ja'loja?

913. If you wish.

914. I wish.

915. Okay, there she is.

916. She's all alone, so this is your chance.

917. - You can do this, all right? - Yeah, okay.

918. Here goes.

919. Can't do it. Thanks for the help.

920. All hands, this is the captain.

921. We are entering orbit of Moclus.

922. In the sight of those who stand with me,

923. and those for whom I would sacrifice my being,

924. I begin...

925. the release.

926. Kalaskacha.

927. Mech-gadlas fekto

928. roschas...

929. bam...

930. val...

931. Ja'loja!

932. Ja'loja!

933. I hope you enjoyed

934. the ceremony, Commander.

935. I did. I did very much.

936. I can honestly say I've never seen anything quite like it.

937. Hope you washed your hands.

938. Well... I can't wait for the next one.

939. We will certainly include you, Commander.

940. Topa, come along.

941. Hey. You're the best, you know that?

942. Aw, come on.

943. Red wine and "Open Arms"?

944. I knew I liked you, but...

945. that right there was the moment you won me over.

946. What can I say? You inspire me to be creative.

947. You, sir, are forgiven.

948. "My fingers ache to penetrate the hearth.

949. Love is the fishhook that hooks the fish."

950. Oh, my God.

951. - What do you think? - Dude,

952. that is just, like, an emotional sucker punch.

953. - Really? - Yeah.

954. Like, I-I've had a really bad week

955. where I've just been grappling with insecurity and self-doubt,

956. and then here comes this lyrical compass

957. that just instantly guides me to my special place

958. in the universe.

959. You should write a book.

960. I was thinking I might,

961. but now I definitely will.

962. - All right for me. - Yeah. - Isaac, I know

963. it doesn't mean anything to you, but what you did for me

964. and for Marcus is really special.

965. I wish you could feel that.

966. That is not possible for an artificial life-form.

967. But it was fascinating to observe.

968. Isaac... I owe you one.

969. I'll tell you, you know what would be great right now?

970. - A Krill invasion. - Well, for what it's worth,

971. it sounds like you did the honorable thing.

972. Well, if those two wind up together because of me,

973. - you may have to shoot me. - My friend, I have learned

974. never to make predictions

975. in matters of love.

976. I'm usually dead wrong.

977. Well, here's to being wrong.

978. Hmm.

979. Hey.

980. Is anyone sitting here?

981. Uh, no.

982. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH