The Orville 1x2

1. Come in.

2. Good day, captain.

3. Bortus. How are you?

4. I apologize for intruding upon your work.

5. Oh, no, it's fine.

6. What is that?

7. That is, uh,

8. Kermit the frog.

9. I do not recognize the species.

10. It's an amphibious life-form from earth.

11. Is it someone you know?

12. No, no, he's just a leader I admire.

13. Always keeps his cool

14. in a crisis,

15. inspires greatness in his people.

16. He's...

17. So, what can I do for you?

18. Sir, I wish to request a leave of absence.

19. For what reason?

20. I have laid an egg.

21. You...

22. What do you mean, like you told a bad joke

23. or something? Like, what?

24. No, sir. Moclans reproduce by laying eggs.

25. Klyden and I

26. are going to have a child.

27. Bortus, that's great.

28. Congrats. My god.

29. You lay eggs? Yes, sir.

30. Wow. You know, I always wondered

31. how a single-gender species populated itself, but...

32. Are-are they big? They big eggs?

33. They are somewhat large. Yes, sir.

34. Amazing.

35. Um, well, yeah, take all the time off you need.

36. The gestation period is approximately 21 days.

37. And you sit on it?

38. You sit on the egg?

39. Yes, sir.

40. Wow.

41. Well, listen, tell klyden congrats,

42. and, uh, if you got one more in you,

43. dibs on the omelet.

44. Sir?

45. Sorry. Bad joke.

46. Yes.

47. Bad "yolk."

48. You know, I'm-I'm just not gonna try

49. at comedy with you anymore.

50. I will return to my quarters.

51. Okay.

52. I want eggs now.

53. eggs?

54. That's what he said.

55. Moclans reproduce by laying eggs,

56. which I never knew.

57. Well, where does it come out of?

58. The butt?

59. You know, John, I didn't really pry

60. into those kinds of specifics.

61. How's that not the first thing you ask?

62. Captain, we are receiving a distress signal.

63. Coordinates 8-3-0-4-9-3-4.

64. A transport ship has been attacked

65. by the krill. How far away?

66. With quantum drive at maximum, six minutes, 21 seconds.

67. Alara, send a message we're on our way.

68. Gordon, get us there as quick as you can.

69. Aye, sir.

70. Approaching the transport, sir, it's the USS Bleriot.

71. Let's see it.

72. Looks like they took a hell of a beating.

73. Scan for life signs. How many passengers are on board?

74. Captain, the ship is already scanning us.

75. They are?

76. That's weird.

77. That's like a jinx, right? They owe us a coke.

78. Alara, hail them.

79. Channel open.

80. Bleriot, this is captain ed Mercer

81. of the USS Orville— do you read me?

82. Captain Mercer, we've been raided by a krill destroyer.

83. What is the status of your vessel?

84. Our injured are being treated,

85. but we're in need of extensive repairs.

86. I can hear you, but visual is a little patchy.

87. That's why we scanned your ship.

88. All right, send us a manifest of everything you need

89. as soon as you can. Sending now.

90. And, captain, it so happens we're carrying two passengers

91. whom you know.

92. Eddie, is that you?

93. Mom?

94. Hey, buddy. Surprise, huh?

95. Yeah, it is. Dad, are you guys okay?

96. No, no, we're okay, fine. We're okay.

97. We all just got a bit of a scare, that's all. Yeah.

98. Well, except for your father.

99. Yeah. I-I slept through the entire attack,

100. and I just woke up a little while ago.

101. You know, a little too much of the sauce last night.

102. Mom, dad, what the hell are you guys doing on the Bleriot?

103. Well, your father and I wanted

104. to spend the weekend on deneb 3

105. with the Petersons. With the Petersons.

106. We're receiving the manifest now.

107. Who's that? Is that Kelly?

108. Yeah.

109. Hi, Mrs. Mercer. How are you?

110. I'm fine. You know, uh, Eddie tells us

111. you're just a wonderful first officer.

112. I'm-I'm glad you two are friends again,

113. after the, um, infidelity.

114. Mr. Okay. Yeah. No, no,

115. we're... we're fine.

116. Was it worth it? Aw, Jeannie...

117. Just drop it, huh?

118. A honey like that, a couple of flies are

119. gonna get through, okay?

120. Uh, guys, you-you remember Gordon?

121. Hi, Mr. and Mrs. m.

122. Is that Gordon?

123. It's me, yeah.

124. Oh, okay, well, tell him I said hi.

125. He just heard you, dad. Hi.

126. Who's that? That's Gordon again.

127. Eddie, how's your stomach? Is it still bothering you?

128. Uh, it-it's fine, mom. It's-it's okay.

129. Did you get the colon scan?

130. I-I will. I will get it.

131. Listen to me. You get the colon scan.

132. Do you understand me? Because if you get the divert—

133. man, what is that? Diverticulitis.

134. Diverticulitis, like I had, that's not a picnic.

135. What is it you got stuck in there?

136. A sesame seed.

137. A sesame seed in his colon! In the colon.

138. Yeah. It-it just gets stuck in there,

139. because there are folds, you know?

140. Yeah. And it Burrows in there for the winter,

141. and you got yourself an inflammation. Oh, god.

142. Hey, you know what, guys?

143. We're just gonna come over there, okay? How does that...?

144. Right, kel? You haven't seen mom and dad in a while...

145. I haven't seen them in ages, yes.

146. Great! Yeah.

147. Much better if we go down there and help out. Great, much better, great.

148. So we'll see you in a bit, okay?

149. Get the scan.

150. Oh, my god.

151. Alara, you have the conn. Aye.

152. Wait, what?

153. You have command while we're gone.

154. Well, what about bortus?

155. Bortus is in his quarters warming an egg.

156. That makes you the ranking bridge officer.

157. Oh, yeah, but... I've never, um...

158. Wait,

159. this is your first time in command.

160. Yeah, so maybe someone else should...

161. You got this, okay?

162. You wouldn't be allowed to wear that uniform

163. if you weren't qualified.

164. We trust you.

165. Yeah.

166. Okay.

167. Okay. Okay.

168. Oh, hey, uh, sorry about my parents, everyone.

169. They're, um...

170. My colon is fine, by the way, there's...

171. Yeah.

172. Your mother hates me.

173. She does not hate you. Oh, yes, she does.

174. She does not. She hated you a little bit after the...

175. The thing.

176. You can tell me, you know.

177. I mean, we never talked about it.

178. What'd she say about me? It's nothing too terrible.

179. You can tell me. Just be honest. It wasn't that bad.

180. Be honest. She once called you a bitch

181. 46 times in one sitting.

182. Wow.

183. Yeah, the people at the next table complained.

184. But, look, kel, it doesn't matter. You know?

185. That's the past— you and I were a lousy match, movin' on.

186. Maybe. We never really got the chance to find out.

187. Well, that's what happens when you let a blue alien bone you

188. while your husband's at work, isn't it? Don't be a jerk.

189. In no way am I trying to be a jerk.

190. Honestly, kel, most guys would hold a grudge

191. for something like this— I think you did us a favor.

192. I really do. In fact, you know what?

193. I want to thank you for your infidelity.

194. Look, all I'm saying is that if you hadn't been so absent,

195. and I hadn't... Done what I did...

196. Maybe it could've worked.

197. I say this with all due respect— you are high.

198. Well, since we are seeing your mother, that's not a bad idea.

199. What are you doing?

200. One cannabis edible.

201. Ed: Oh, my god. Seriously?

202. You're kidding with that, right?

203. Just in case.

204. What the hell?

205. What is this?

206. Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys!

207. Guys! Isaac!

208. The transport— what happened to it?

209. Scanners show no sign of the ship.

210. It appears to have been a holographic projection

211. of some kind.

212. What about the boarding party? Searching.

213. Scans show no life signs.

214. They are gone.

215. I don't understand, how can they just be gone?

216. John, wha-what about long-range navigational scans?

217. I'm checking right now.

218. There's-there's nothing out there.

219. Not a damn thing.

220. Commander, the captain... Oh, god.

221. Is it not customary to request permission

222. before entering someone else's quarters?

223. It is... I am brooding my egg.

224. It is a private time for a moclan.

225. Sir, I am so sorry,

226. but the captain and the first officer are gone!

227. Gone? Where?

228. We don't know.

229. We got a distress call from a transport ship,

230. and once they boarded it, the whole thing just disappeared.

231. Who is in command?

232. I am.

233. Then, if they are alive, you must find them.

234. Sir, if you could just come back to the bridge.

235. The captain never would have left me in command

236. if he had any idea that this...

237. I cannot leave my egg.

238. For how long?

239. For 21 days.

240. I am sorry, lieutenant.

241. I will not risk the life of my child.

242. You must remain in command.

243. One shot of xelayan Tequila.

244. Okay.

245. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

246. You're okay. You're fine.

247. You gonna throw up? You gonna throw up?

248. No. You're all right.

249. Lieutenant, you all right?

250. Yes! Yes, yes, I'm fine, ensign...

251. Parker. Parker. Ensign Parker.

252. Sweet. Go away now.

253. Oh.

254. Isaac, any sign of the boarding party?

255. Negative, sir. Status unchanged.

256. Sir, there's nobody over there

257. to pilot the shuttle back to us,

258. but I can bring it over by remote guidance, on your order.

259. Got it.

260. Is... Is the order given?

261. Yes.

262. Absolutely do that.

263. Aye, sir.

264. And good job...

265. With that remote thing.

266. Thanks.

267. Sir?

268. Doctor. Hi.

269. Any word?

270. No, nothing yet.

271. What's next?

272. What's next... is...

273. We should

274. lock a tractor beam onto the buoy

275. and bring it into the shuttle bay to examine it for clues.

276. We got dora the explorer runnin' the show here. Shh.

277. Lieutenant lamarr, do you want to say something?

278. No, sir.

279. Good. Lock onto the buoy.

280. Sir, I would advise against that course of action.

281. We are not familiar with its defense mechanisms.

282. It's our only chance to find our people.

283. Lieutenant, lock on.

284. Aye, sir.

285. Locked on and pulling her in.

286. Bridge to shuttle bay.

287. Prepare to receive buoy.

288. Copy, bridge. Opening bay doors.

289. Sir, I'm reading an energy buildup within the buoy's core.

290. Can you identify it?

291. It is...

292. Sir, deactivate the tractor beam!

293. Get those doors shut!

294. All sections reporting.

295. Structural damage is extensive, injuries are numerous.

296. I'll be in sickbay.

297. Bortus to bridge.

298. What is happening?

299. We, uh, took a little jolt,

300. but we're in one piece.

301. Is your egg okay?

302. It is intact.

303. However, such impacts are not

304. conducive to egg brooding!

305. Sir, hull integrity has been compromised

306. in the shuttle bay. I'm going down there.

307. Sir, if I may, your place is on the bridge.

308. I'm going down there!

309. Think they'd give me three weeks off

310. to sit on an egg?

311. Chief, was anyone injured in the rupture?

312. A few minor injuries, but the force field snapped on

313. like it's supposed to.

314. Gonna take a few days to patch up, though.

315. Look, whatever additional power, resources you need, whatever,

316. you've got it. I appreciate that, kid, we'll be all right.

317. Ensign Parker, what happened?

318. Wrong place at the wrong time.

319. Will he be okay?

320. Well, he won't be running any marathons

321. for a couple of days, but he'll be all right.

322. Doctor, can I talk to you in private?

323. Sure.

324. I can't do this.

325. You mean command the Orville? Yes.

326. I wasn't in that chair ten minutes, and I almost

327. destroyed the entire ship.

328. What if someone had been killed?

329. But you didn't. And they weren't.

330. You're the ship's doctor.

331. You're the only person who can relieve an officer of command.

332. Can't you just come up with some reason that I'm unfit?

333. Tell them I'm a drug addict, anything.

334. Just get someone to replace me, please.

335. No, I will not do that.

336. But I will give you some advice. Now, sit.

337. Command is all about the balance between inspiring confidence

338. in your leadership and knowing when to trust your people.

339. You got scared out there today.

340. Scared that they didn't respect you.

341. So you ignored Isaac's advice in order to appear in control.

342. Now, the question is, did you learn from this error?

343. I'm willing to bet that you did.

344. Will you help me?

345. I'm not gonna whisper the right answers in your ear,

346. but I'll try to be your Obi-Wan however I can.

347. My what?

348. Never mind.

349. what is this?

350. It's...

351. our old apartment.

352. In New York City.

353. This is impossible.

354. It's exactly like I remember it.

355. Look at this.

356. This is the one from my office.

357. I took it with me when I moved out.

358. We couldn't have been sent back in time?

359. I mean, that's... That's crazy, right?

360. The door's sealed.

361. Here.

362. It's okay, I got it, I got it.

363. Oh! Oh! Ed, are you okay?

364. Yeah, no, I'm fine. Are you sure?

365. I'm fine. I'm fine. All good.

366. Kel, where the hell are we?

367. Lieutenant, I believe I have something.

368. What is it?

369. My analysis of our scanner logs indicates

370. there was a concentrated pulse directed away from the buoy

371. at the moment of the incident,

372. traveling along this trajectory.

373. What do you think it was?

374. I cannot be certain,

375. but I believe it may have been a form of molecular transfer.

376. You think they may have been transported somewhere?

377. If so, there may still be residual traces of the pulse.

378. I will need to divert power to the forward scanners

379. to conduct a long-range search.

380. We're already on emergency power.

381. All hands, this is acting captain kitan.

382. Emergency power will be temporarily rerouted

383. to the scanner array until further notice.

384. Newton to bridge.

385. Kid, you got to be joking.

386. You reroute power, and this ship's

387. not gonna be goin' anywhere.

388. Chief, unless we know where

389. the captain and the commander were taken,

390. there'll be nowhere to go. Oh, and it's

391. "sir," not "kid."

392. Just a friendly reminder.

393. Aye, sir.

394. Dora the explorer got some balls.

395. Good ones. Good balls.

396. Crap!

397. What about the window?

398. I mean, we're a hundred stories up.

399. What are we supposed to do, scale a wall?

400. Yeah, good point.

401. So, what do we do now?

402. Survival.

403. I mean, as long as we're here, wherever here is,

404. we better make sure that the food synthesizer works.

405. At least we won't starve.

406. Look at this. It's my favorite robe.

407. I haven't seen this in two years.

408. By the way, this was an inspired idea.

409. Of course, if there's anything in the food, we're screwed.

410. Yeah, I kind of doubt whoever brought us here

411. went through all the trouble just to poison us.

412. Mm-hmm.

413. Thank you. Mm.

414. Ed...

415. You think the Orville knows we're alive?

416. You think they're even looking for us?

417. Well, we better hope so.

418. I left alara in command.

419. Yeah.

420. What do you think?

421. Well, she's smart,

422. but she's really green.

423. I know.

424. I'm gonna try to get some sleep.

425. Do you, uh, do you want the bed or the couch?

426. Hmm.

427. You take the bed. I've had so much to drink,

428. I think I'd die at that altitude.

429. Okay.

430. And if we're still here tomorrow,

431. we can move on to that brownie.

432. Hey, wait, do you...

433. Do you remember that time that Jeff and Maureen

434. invited us to the opera?

435. Oh, my god, yes.

436. And you knew I hated opera, so you made me smoke that joint

437. before we left.

438. I'm so sorry, that was supposed to be mine.

439. I gave you the wrong one. Your weapons-grade weed.

440. Yes, I remember it very well.

441. And it kicked in when we got to the theater,

442. and I became convinced that I was...

443. That you were gonna be paralyzed.

444. That I would be paralyzed if I stayed seated

445. for longer than two minutes.

446. Oh, my god.

447. And remember, you bashed the hell out of Maureen's head

448. when you jumped out of your chair? Oh...

449. God, the size of the bruise

450. on her face was just epic.

451. Was that when they stopped hanging out with us?

452. Oh, yeah, they were done with us. Yeah.

453. That— well, you know, they sucked. Who cares?

454. They totally sucked. Why did we

455. hang out with them? I thought you liked them.

456. I hated them. You hate—

457. that was the only reason that I tolerated— you-you hated them?

458. Yes. I mean she never shut the hell up,

459. and-and he smelled like sausage.

460. Well, then, you know what? I'm glad I hit her in the head.

461. That makes two of us.

462. Mm.

463. I— you know, this-this feels like a dream.

464. Being here, in this place.

465. It's like the last year never happened.

466. I was just thinking the same thing.

467. I might have been wrong...

468. About what I said in the shuttle.

469. Maybe things could've been different.

470. Good night.

471. Sir, I believe I have pinpointed the destination

472. of the subspace pulse.

473. Let's see what you've got.

474. Oh, no.

475. Absolutely out of the question, lieutenant.

476. But, sir, if there's any chance that they're still alive...

477. That sector

478. of space is off-limits, no exceptions.

479. Sir, please, if we could just...

480. Lieutenant, you're young,

481. so I'm going to overlook the fact

482. that you are questioning a direct order

483. from a fleet admiral.

484. We have reasons for keeping our ships away

485. from that star system.

486. The calivon are a very

487. technologically advanced race.

488. And they view any species at a lesser technological level

489. as inferior.

490. In the way a sentient being might view an animal.

491. We do not want to engage them in any way.

492. But what about the captain and the commander?

493. Lost in the line of duty.

494. I'm sorry, lieutenant.

495. As soon as your repairs are complete,

496. your orders are to return to earth

497. where the Orville will be assigned

498. a new captain and first officer.

499. Tucker out.

500. Hey. Wake up.

501. Wake up!

502. Hey.

503. Hey, what's going on?

504. Hey, can you tell me where I am?

505. 'Cause honestly...

506. Calivon mother: Nidal.

507. Come on, let's go see the krill.

508. Mama, I want to see the moclans.

509. If we have time.

510. Come on. Let's go.

511. Hey. Hey!

512. What's going on here?

513. Where am I?

514. Hey, talk to me!

515. You're wasting your breath.

516. You don't matter to them.

517. Who are you?

518. What is this place?

519. Looks like they finally filled that slot.

520. How's it going, new guy?

521. Ed?

522. What is this? What's going on?

523. I...

524. Answer my question.

525. Where are we?

526. A smart one, isn't he?

527. Take a look around you, friend.

528. You're in a calivon zoo.

529. see, their buoys

530. can scan your computers and then instantly

531. generate a customized holographic lure.

532. As soon as you bite, you're transported here.

533. Like leaving an animal trap in the wild.

534. It even knew to make my dad talk about his colon.

535. That's an advanced technology.

536. They recreate your

537. natural environment based on the data they've collected.

538. Once you're acclimated, whoosh!

539. The wall goes up and you're the newest exhibit.

540. They got lucky with you guys.

541. Usually they don't get two for one.

542. Our natural environment.

543. What about him?

544. He's only a child.

545. What's your name, sweetie?

546. Baral.

547. Yeah? How long have you been here?

548. Where's your mommy?

549. I... don't know.

550. Spiny-skinned alien: He got here a few weeks after I did.

551. I've been here eight months.

552. What the hell kind of people do something like this?

553. Furry alien: They're calivon.

554. They think any technologically inferior species

555. is theirs to do with as they please.

556. We're... interesting and fun to watch.

557. Weird as that sounds.

558. It's not that weird.

559. There was a time where humans imprisoned animals

560. for entertainment.

561. It wasn't intended to be cruel.

562. We just felt, as the higher species, we had the right.

563. Yeah, well, that was hundreds of years ago,

564. so you tell me who's more advanced. Hey!

565. We are not your shamu!

566. I told you, they don't care!

567. There's got to be a way out of here.

568. I mean, that... that child belongs with his parents.

569. Why don't you ask ock'or?

570. Who's ock'or?

571. The big guy to your left.

572. You can't see him from where you are.

573. He's been here 31 years.

574. In other words,

575. there's no way out.

576. well, that's the last of it.

577. Weapons and quantum drive are back online.

578. All departments show green, sir.

579. Repairs are complete.

580. Set course for

581. the calivon system, sir?

582. No.

583. Set course for earth.

584. Wait, what?

585. What? What about ed and Kelly?

586. My orders are clear.

587. The captain and first officer will be declared

588. lost in the line of duty.

589. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on.

590. What the hell are you talking about?

591. The calivon system is off-limits.

592. Return us to earth.

593. Alara, that is a cold-blooded order,

594. and you can shove it up your ass.

595. Lieutenant, you're relieved of duty.

596. Get off the bridge.

597. Lieutenant lamarr, carry out the order.

598. Yes, sir.

599. Claire?

600. Alara. Come on in.

601. They hate me.

602. The entire crew hates me.

603. I mean, can't they see that I'm just as upset

604. about this as they are?

605. I mean, Kelly is my friend.

606. For god's sakes, I'm just following

607. admiral Tucker's orders.

608. And the admiral's right.

609. To put the entire ship

610. in danger to rescue two officers who might not even be alive?

611. No,

612. he gave the proper order.

613. So you don't think we should go either?

614. I didn't say that.

615. Alara,

616. everything that you've dealt with,

617. up until now, is child's play.

618. This is command.

619. You have a choice.

620. Follow orders and accept that the crew will hate you for it,

621. or disobey orders and go after our people.

622. But, if you take that kind of risk and you're wrong,

623. you could destroy your career.

624. Or worse.

625. xelayan Tequila, double.

626. Thanks.

627. Hi.

628. Can I sit here?

629. You can sit wherever you want, sir.

630. Okay, uh, thanks.

631. Guys, please.

632. I had no choice.

633. Permission to speak freely, sir?

634. Yes, of course.

635. You know what the most heinous thing about this is?

636. If the captain were in your shoes,

637. he would've gone after you.

638. He would've risked his career

639. to save your life.

640. You suck.

641. Sir.

642. Can I have everyone's attention, please?

643. I have been given a direct order from the fleet admiralty

644. to abandon the search for captain Mercer

645. and commander Grayson.

646. But as far as I'm concerned, they can bite me

647. because we're going anyway.

648. Yeah!

649. Whoo! Yeah!

650. Gordon, John, how fast can you get us there?

651. As fast as you want, sir.

652. You're the captain.

653. Yeah.

654. approaching the border of calivon space, sir.

655. Kids, roll the windows up.

656. Okay, now comes the dicey part, so everyone listen up.

657. We can't just waltz into calivon space in a union ship,

658. so Isaac's been working on a plan.

659. In sifting through the debris

660. that collided with our shuttle bay,

661. I was able to analyze a fragment of the calivon

662. holographic generator.

663. I believe we can use their own technology against them.

664. We can make it appear as though we are a calivon ship.

665. But it will take every ounce of power we can spare,

666. so all nonessential systems will need to be shut down.

667. Now, once we reach the planet, Isaac becomes key.

668. As he loves to remind everyone,

669. his home world of kaylon is technologically superior

670. to the rest of us.

671. Intellectually as well, sir.

672. Right. Thanks.

673. Kaylon is comparable in that area to the calivon themselves,

674. which means they should be willing to talk to us

675. as long as he's with us.

676. White dude can go to Compton

677. long as the black guy says it's cool.

678. I have no idea what that means, but yes.

679. If they'll speak to us, we have a chance of finding out

680. what happened to our people.

681. Everybody ready?

682. Isaac, give us a makeover.

683. Yes, sir.

684. approaching calivon system.

685. Take us in.

686. Nice and easy.

687. Calivon patrol ship approaching.

688. They are scanning us.

689. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

690. They are moving on, sir.

691. I am detecting two human life signs

692. on the planet's surface.

693. Is the shuttle ready? Yes, sir.

694. All right. Let's go.

695. Oh, Claire, I have bad news. What's wrong?

696. You're the ranking officer, which means you have command.

697. Enjoy.

698. Son of a bitch.

699. Hey.

700. Do you want to not do that, please?

701. What? We lived together long enough.

702. You know I do not like listening to people eat cereal.

703. It's morning. I'm eating breakfast.

704. You know, you should try eating in the morning

705. instead of drinking.

706. It's neat.

707. I'm having a beer.

708. Yeah, at 9:00 A.M.

709. Which, in case you don't remember,

710. is something that I do not like.

711. I'm doing something that the Germans...

712. "The Germans have been doing for centuries," yes.

713. You love that one, don't you?

714. Well, guess what. You're not German.

715. Well, you're not franken Berry, so shut up.

716. You know what? It is all coming back to me now.

717. Oh, what, kel? What is, what is

718. all coming back to you now? Us.

719. Living together. All the things that sucked about it.

720. Yes! This is exactly what I was saying on the shuttle.

721. Do you remember? And you said no.

722. I said, "we were a bad match."

723. Okay? I am just as miserable with you as you are with me.

724. Well, great, finally some common ground.

725. Some common ground between the two of us. Some common ground.

726. Thank god. Captain.

727. Alara?

728. Alara, what are you doing here?

729. Getting you out.

730. God, am I glad to see you.

731. Sorry about my breath.

732. Wait a minute, you...

733. You couldn't have gotten union clearance to come here.

734. No. We took a little field trip.

735. Well, I wish we could tell you how to get us out of here,

736. but, honestly, we have no idea. It would be reasonable

737. to assume that if this is a zoo,

738. there must be a zookeeper.

739. Come in.

740. Well, hello there.

741. They told me we had a kaylon visitor here at the zoo.

742. Welcome.

743. Good day, sir. What brings you all the way out here?

744. Besides the fact that we have the widest variety of species

745. on exhibit anywhere in the sector?

746. There is a matter I wish to discuss with you.

747. If you're gonna try and sell me that xelayan female,

748. I've already got one.

749. She is not for sale.

750. She is... my pet.

751. Woof.

752. However, I would like to

753. speak with you about the humans.

754. Oh, aren't they wonderful?

755. They're brand-new.

756. The visitors are loving them.

757. I must inform you they are the property of another zoo,

758. and were taken illegally.

759. Well, they should've been kept on a tighter leash.

760. Not my problem.

761. I'm afraid they were in the midst of treatment

762. for a very rare disease they are carrying,

763. one that could infect

764. your other species. You're kidding.

765. I am kaylon. We do not kid.

766. We would be happy to take them off your hands.

767. Damn it.

768. I don't believe this.

769. This is the administrator.

770. Initialize euthanasia sweep

771. of unit 484.

772. Uh, kel?

773. What's going...?

774. What... what the hell is that?

775. I don't think we want to find out.

776. Oh, boy.

777. We're in trouble.

778. Wait, what do you mean "euthanasia sweep"?

779. Would it not be simpler to allow us to take the humans?

780. We have a strict non-contaminant policy that's helped us

781. avoid any epidemics among the exhibits.

782. I'm sorry, but even handing them over to you would risk a breach.

783. Don't worry,

784. their deaths will be painless.

785. Uh...

786. In here.

787. Oh, my god.

788. Oh, crap. Uh... Oh, no.

789. Isaac, I need to talk to him.

790. Make him talk to me.

791. Sir, I would like you to listen

792. to what my xelayan female has to say.

793. You want me to talk...

794. To her?

795. Is this a joke?

796. All right, just stay calm.

797. Oh!

798. I know it is absurd,

799. but if you will indulge me momentarily,

800. I would be most appreciative.

801. Okay.

802. Talk, xelayan.

803. Thanks, dick.

804. Okay.

805. Why do you run this zoo?

806. So our people may view different species

807. in their natural habitats.

808. What if I were to trade you

809. something that would be

810. far more valuable to you?

811. Something irresistible?

812. And what might that be?

813. Uh... Oh, god.

814. No, no, no. Uh, uh...

815. I'm going to the bathroom to read!

816. What the hell was that?

817. It was Elvis Presley's last words.

818. It was all I could think of.

819. and for outstanding courage, valor,

820. and resourcefulness, in the finest union tradition,

821. I hereby present you, lieutenant alara kitan,

822. with the sapphire star.

823. alara, you did great.

824. Kelly and I owe you big-time.

825. Let's just hope admiral Tucker sees it that way.

826. Don't worry, ed and I will cover you.

827. Yeah, we're a pretty crappy couple,

828. but we're awfully good with office politics. Hmm.

829. And this little guy was the best part of the bargain.

830. You excited to see your mommy and daddy?

831. Yes. Yes.

832. You know, a lot of us are wondering exactly

833. what it is you gave the calivon.

834. It was lieutenant Malloy's idea.

835. He guided me

836. to a very old, very obscure section

837. of earth's cultural database.

838. I'm just here to serve.

839. They wanted a human zoo.

840. I gave 'em one.

841. Teresa giudice: I am paying attention.

842. Obviously there has to be something else.

843. It's just not name change and arrested.

844. There has to be something else.

845. Are you stripping?

846. You were stripping. I was arrested!

847. Prostitution whore.

848. You were Engaged 19 times?

849. You Stupid bitch!

850. , huh?

851. The bachelor.

852. Duck dynasty.

853. Keeping up with the Kardashians.

854. There must be 10,000 files here.

855. What is this reality television?

856. The best exhibit we've ever had.

857. Klyden.

858. Come.

859. It is...

860. A female.

861. That is...

862. Impossible.

863. Captioned by media access group at wgbh access.Wgbh.Org