1. You pretended
to be in this officeCopy !req
2. For three months,
and you wereCopy !req
3. On a sailboat.
- I resent that.Copy !req
4. I never lied to you.Copy !req
5. - Really?
"hey, david, all is goodCopy !req
6. In scranton, p.A."Copy !req
7. - And all was good
in scranton, p.A, that day.Copy !req
8. - "by the way,
oscar says hi."Copy !req
9. - Oscar says hi
all the time.Copy !req
10. He says all kinds of greetings—Copy !req
11. Hi, hello, hola.Copy !req
12. You're telling me
you've never heard oscar say hi?Copy !req
13. - Andy—
- you're calling me a liar?Copy !req
14. - Andy—
- by the way, that reminds me.Copy !req
15. I want to ask you
about some of the liesCopy !req
16. You've been telling me lately.
- Watch it, andy.Copy !req
17. - Oh, here we go.
January 7, 2013.Copy !req
18. "hey, andy, all's well.Copy !req
19. Been meaning to make it down
there, but my wife's sick."Copy !req
20. Well, which is it?Copy !req
21. Is all well,
or is your wife sick?Copy !req
22. Busted!
- My wife?Copy !req
23. - This has been
a really tough time.Copy !req
24. - Yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
25. - Has it?
- Erin just dumped me,Copy !req
26. And I can't rememberCopy !req
27. Any of the "aha" moments
I had on the boat,Copy !req
28. And I know
it sounds weird to say,Copy !req
29. But I really miss my beard.
- Shh.Copy !req
30. - It was
like a security blanket.Copy !req
31. - Andy...Copy !req
32. I'm not gonna fire you.Copy !req
33. - You're not?Copy !req
34. - No.
- That's awesome.Copy !req
35. - I wouldn't own the company
if it wasn't for you.Copy !req
36. So I owe you that.Copy !req
37. - David, I'll be there
for you.Copy !req
38. These five words
I swear to you.Copy !req
39. When you breathe, I want to be
the air for you.Copy !req
40. I'll be there for you.Copy !req
41. That's a poem by j.B. Jovi.Copy !req
42. I want you to have it.Copy !req
43. - We are even now.Copy !req
44. Understand?Copy !req
45. Got it?
- Crystal.Copy !req
46. - And you are on very—
hey.Copy !req
47. Very thin ice.Copy !req
48. - Vanilla.Copy !req
49. Vanilla ice.
He was a band.Copy !req
50. - Good morning.
- Good morning.Copy !req
51. - And how are you
on this fine d...Copy !req
52. Okay. Ahem.Copy !req
53. We ready?Copy !req
54. Don't use that part.Copy !req
55. Last week, erin told me
that our relationshipCopy !req
56. Will be proceeding without me.
Ahem.Copy !req
57. Now I have to see her
every day at work,Copy !req
58. Which is brutal.Copy !req
59. When people say office
relationships are a good idea,Copy !req
60. They never talk about what
might happen if you break up.Copy !req
61. - He sounds
like a wounded animal.Copy !req
62. - Should have put him out of
his misery and just fired him.Copy !req
63. - I can't be around sad people.
It makes me sad.Copy !req
64. - I'm the same way
with horny people.Copy !req
65. - Okay.Copy !req
66. - Yes, pete and I
have started seeing each other,Copy !req
67. And andy still doesn't know.Copy !req
68. We thought
that keeping it secretCopy !req
69. Was more considerate to him.Copy !req
70. And hot for us.Copy !req
71. I mean,
I saw pete's butt.Copy !req
72. It's sick.Copy !req
73. - Oh, that's mine.Copy !req
74. I'll just—I'll get it
out of the way for you.Copy !req
75. - Jim set up a job interview
for me today in philly.Copy !req
76. It's with a real estate company,Copy !req
77. Which is a great fit for me,Copy !req
78. Because I live in a houseCopy !req
79. And I know
what a bathroom is.Copy !req
80. I'm sorry.
I am just very nervous,Copy !req
81. Because, honestly, this is
all moving a lot fasterCopy !req
82. Than I expected,
and—and becauseCopy !req
83. My resume can fit
on a post-it note.Copy !req
84. - No, don't just let her
eat the grass.Copy !req
85. She'll puke it right up.Copy !req
86. Okay, just put out two bowlsCopy !req
87. And see which feed
she prefers.Copy !req
88. I'm sorry to be taking upCopy !req
89. So much of your precious time,
mose,Copy !req
90. But she's your aunt too.Copy !req
91. Fine.
I'll see what I can do.Copy !req
92. - I need you.
- Dah! Dwight.Copy !req
93. - And you should take breaks
more often.Copy !req
94. I've been waiting there
for 45 minutes.Copy !req
95. - What?
What is it?Copy !req
96. - It's my aunt shirley.Copy !req
97. She's on her last legs.Copy !req
98. - Dwight, that's awful.
- You have no idea.Copy !req
99. I mean, her hair, her clothes,
it's all falling offCopy !req
100. And we need someone to go
out there and clean her up.Copy !req
101. We had a nurse,
but she quit,Copy !req
102. Because she was "poisoned"
by aunt shirley.Copy !req
103. - What do you mean by poisoned?Copy !req
104. - Probably nothing.Copy !req
105. Or strychnine.Copy !req
106. Or lemonade and strychnine,
which is actually what it was.Copy !req
107. - Okay, well, I'm very sorry
about your aunt.Copy !req
108. - Thank you.
- But I don't seeCopy !req
109. How this is my problem.Copy !req
110. - Angela, you owe me one.
Remember?Copy !req
111. Now, please.Copy !req
112. She's an old woman, angela.Copy !req
113. She needs a woman's touch.Copy !req
114. It's all hanging out...
- Ugh.Copy !req
115. - And there's parts of her
I don't even recognize.Copy !req
116. There's this one hanging part
in particularCopy !req
117. That's some sort of flap.
- It's fine.Copy !req
118. - It's like a prehensile wing
or something.Copy !req
119. I don't know.
- Oh, god. All right.Copy !req
120. I can't—okay.Copy !req
121. I'll help you.
- There's a divot where it was,Copy !req
122. And it needs—
it needs...Copy !req
123. - Where are you going?Copy !req
124. - Not on a three-month
boat trip.Copy !req
125. - Oh, burn.
Ha.Copy !req
126. - Excuse me, everyone can just
leave whenever they want now?Copy !req
127. - How dare you?Copy !req
128. - I'm still the boss.Copy !req
129. Mmm.Copy !req
130. The answer is yes.
- I have some messages for you.Copy !req
131. - Are they from you?Copy !req
132. - Well, no,
they're from clients.Copy !req
133. - Well, then I don't want them.Copy !req
134. You can keep 'em.Copy !req
135. In fact you can keep
that big, blue nautica sweater.Copy !req
136. I know how much you love it.
- I can't.Copy !req
137. - No, I insist upon it.
It's an awesome sweater.Copy !req
138. Some great memories
tied up in that thing.Copy !req
139. From clients
who want to buy paper.Copy !req
140. - I don't want to talk
about work right now.Copy !req
141. - Well, I only want
to talk about work right now.Copy !req
142. - Then I want
my big blue sweater back.Copy !req
143. - Well, I gave it
to the salvation army.Copy !req
144. - I've got this seat
adjusted just right.Copy !req
145. - Perfect.
Yeah.Copy !req
146. - She got rid of it.Copy !req
147. My blue sweater.Copy !req
148. What is that about?Copy !req
149. - I was just leaving.
- Stay.Copy !req
150. We are in the brozone layer.Copy !req
151. Okay, nard dog, plop,
and clarker posey,Copy !req
152. A.K.A. Clarkwork orange.Copy !req
153. Here's the sitch.
Erin dumped me, natch,Copy !req
154. But she got rid
of my blue sweater,Copy !req
155. Which was her favorite.Copy !req
156. Is she moving on
a little fast,Copy !req
157. Or am I being
a total psycho?Copy !req
158. Plop, you go first.Copy !req
159. - I don't know.
Women do tend to move onCopy !req
160. Quicker than men.Copy !req
161. - Survey says...Copy !req
162. Doesn't make me feel better
at all.Copy !req
163. Zero clark thirty,
what do you got?Copy !req
164. - Well, look at it this way.Copy !req
165. Being a bachelor
is not all bad.Copy !req
166. I mean, you got
your freedom now.Copy !req
167. - Last night
I ordered a pizza by myself,Copy !req
168. And I ate it over the sink
like a rat.Copy !req
169. - There you go.
Good for you.Copy !req
170. - No.Copy !req
171. - You're just letting it
all hang out.Copy !req
172. That's what...Copy !req
173. - It may not seem like it,
but this really helped,Copy !req
174. So thank you.
- Cool.Copy !req
175. I'll give you $100 to wear
that sweater to work tomorrow.Copy !req
176. - Aunt shirley,
hello, it's me, dwight.Copy !req
177. - Oh, looky here.
It's big city dwight.Copy !req
178. Careful you don't get mud
on those fancy town shoes,Copy !req
179. Big city dwight.Copy !req
180. - Hello, aunt shirley.Copy !req
181. She's so tiny,
like a little kitchen witch.Copy !req
182. - This is angela, and we
brought you some new clothes.Copy !req
183. - New clothes?
What for?Copy !req
184. - Oh, dear god. Okay.
- Oh. Oh, my god.Copy !req
185. - You know what, before you
put the new clothes on,Copy !req
186. Angela's gonna get you
cleaned up a little bit.Copy !req
187. - Yes. How would you like
a nice, warm bath?Copy !req
188. - How would you like
a mean, cold slap?Copy !req
189. - Ow!Copy !req
190. - Okay, aunt shirley, dear,Copy !req
191. Can I get you a nice
crisp liter of schnapps?Copy !req
192. - I could do that.
- Okay.Copy !req
193. - No. No.
- Yeah, trust me.Copy !req
194. Go to the kitchen, get the
largest receptacle you can find.Copy !req
195. - Step on it.Copy !req
196. - Why doesn't erin seem sad?Copy !req
197. Has she found someone new
or something?Copy !req
198. And, if so,
why hasn't she told me?Copy !req
199. Is she trying to spare
my feelings?Copy !req
200. During break-ups, the mind goes
to some crazy dark places.Copy !req
201. - Andy, don't.Copy !req
202. No good can come
from snooping.Copy !req
203. - I'm not snooping.Copy !req
204. There's just some crud
on her screen.Copy !req
205. - You're clearly snooping.Copy !req
206. - That's kind of uncool, man.
- Andy.Copy !req
207. - Aw, come on.
- That's her private property.Copy !req
208. - Boo!
- Uh, hello?Copy !req
209. Who's snooping on who now?Copy !req
210. - What does that even mean?Copy !req
211. - Everyone, just please—
- what's it say?Copy !req
212. - Put it down.
- Andy.Copy !req
213. - Hey!
- Come on, andy.Copy !req
214. Put it down.Copy !req
215. - That's erin's
private property.Copy !req
216. - Oh, my god.Copy !req
217. - See.
- Nosy'll get you.Copy !req
218. - Told him so.Copy !req
219. - It just doesn't make
any sense.Copy !req
220. - Darryl, clark,
kevin, toby, plop,Copy !req
221. Take a knee.Copy !req
222. All right, you guys are gonna
think I'm psycho again.Copy !req
223. That erin's dating someone,
so I looked at her phone.Copy !req
224. - Man, you can't do that stuff.Copy !req
225. You'll only find pain.Copy !req
226. When my ex-wife got
into my email account,Copy !req
227. She was devastated.Copy !req
228. - Too late.Copy !req
229. I found out she's been texting
a guy named pete.Copy !req
230. Does anybody know a pete?Copy !req
231. - Pete.
- Hmm.Copy !req
232. - It just occurred to me that
andy has been calling me plopCopy !req
233. For so long
he forgot my real name.Copy !req
234. Which is pete.Copy !req
235. - Hello.Copy !req
236. - Hey.
There she is.Copy !req
237. - How you doing?
- Hi.Copy !req
238. Hey, do I look okay?Copy !req
239. - You look great.
- Okay.Copy !req
240. - Yeah.
- What's that?Copy !req
241. Where you're going with this,
and this is who I am now.Copy !req
242. But look what I can do
with my hands.Copy !req
243. - gotta go.Copy !req
244. Vip just walked
through the door.Copy !req
245. - How are you, isaac?
You have something in your ear.Copy !req
246. - It's a phone.Copy !req
247. - Yes, it is,
and thank you so muchCopy !req
248. For setting up
this opportunity.Copy !req
249. I really appreciate it.
- Of course.Copy !req
250. Anything for team halpert.Copy !req
251. You're gonna crush it, pam.Copy !req
252. - Thanks.Copy !req
253. - You are gonna crush it.
- Mmh.Copy !req
254. - Wow, I missed you.Copy !req
255. Or are you saying that to me?
- Call you right back.Copy !req
256. What were you saying?Copy !req
257. - Ha-ha.Copy !req
258. - Aw.
- Hey, jim.Copy !req
259. We got trent edwards
on the line.Copy !req
260. But, you know what,
team halpert, okay?Copy !req
261. You're gonna crush it.Copy !req
262. You're gonna smash it.Copy !req
263. Okay.Copy !req
264. Good luck.
- Bye.Copy !req
265. - God, she drank so much.Copy !req
266. - Mm. In her prime, shirls
could put away homemade schnappsCopy !req
267. Morning, noon, and night.Copy !req
268. - Now all it takes
is 1/2 liter.Copy !req
269. She's dreaming.
All right.Copy !req
270. Let's get her out to the yard
so you can spray her down.Copy !req
271. - Spray her down?Copy !req
272. - No, it's a lot better
than it sounds.Copy !req
273. There's a private shower area,Copy !req
274. Very tasteful
and very rustic.Copy !req
275. - Hey.Copy !req
276. - Come on in.
Have a seat.Copy !req
277. Uh, thanks for coming in.Copy !req
278. I just got to get
something off my chest.Copy !req
279. I just got some
really weird news, and, uh,Copy !req
280. I'm just gonna come out
and say it.Copy !req
281. I just got off the phone
with my doctor,Copy !req
282. And turns out I contracted
ch-lamydia from erin.Copy !req
283. And it's incurable.Copy !req
284. Pretty lame, huh?Copy !req
285. - Yeah.Copy !req
286. You were gone...Copy !req
287. - I knew it!Copy !req
288. - For a long time, andy.
- You and erin are f...Copy !req
289. - Andy, just so you know,Copy !req
290. There was no overlap.Copy !req
291. - No overlap?
Great.Copy !req
292. Good.
Wow.Copy !req
293. This is suddenly so easy.Copy !req
294. Guess what?
You're fired.Copy !req
295. - What?
- Yeah.Copy !req
296. You are fired.Copy !req
297. One of the perks
of being boss.Copy !req
298. I can fire anyone
who steals my girlfriend.Copy !req
299. And, wow, that turns out
to be you.Copy !req
300. Yup, sorry.Copy !req
301. - Andy.
- ♪ turns out you're firedCopy !req
302. - If you want to talk to me,Copy !req
303. I'll be in the annex,
all right?Copy !req
304. I'm gonna be in the annex.Copy !req
305. - toby.Copy !req
306. - toby.Copy !req
307. - You can't fire pete.Copy !req
308. You understand why, right?
- No.Copy !req
309. - Andy, we had
this exact same conversationCopy !req
310. When you wanted
to get rid of nellie.Copy !req
311. You can't just get rid of people
over grudges.Copy !req
312. - Nellie was
a professional grudge.Copy !req
313. This is
a purely personal grudge.Copy !req
314. - All right, well, look,
while I have you,Copy !req
315. This is a relationship
disclosure formCopy !req
316. For pete and erin.Copy !req
317. - They already have a contract?Copy !req
318. "mutually agree to..."Copy !req
319. Every phrase is like a dagger
in my crotch.Copy !req
320. - It's just boilerplate.
You don't have to read it.Copy !req
321. - Well, I'm not signing away
my rights.Copy !req
322. - I already signed it.Copy !req
323. I was just showing you.Copy !req
324. - Okay, well,
we'll see about that.Copy !req
325. - Andy, that's not the original.Copy !req
326. And destroying it
will not stop them from dating.Copy !req
327. Andy.Copy !req
328. It's the original.Copy !req
329. Is that her?Copy !req
330. Hey, guys.Copy !req
331. Say something. I said—
- hello.Copy !req
332. - Hi, I'm mark.
- Hi. Pam. Hello.Copy !req
333. - I'm the horrible boss
around here,Copy !req
334. But please don't hire
jamie foxx to kill me.Copy !req
335. I don't agree with the use
of the n-word in that movie.Copy !req
336. It's too soon.Copy !req
337. - I'm pam halpert.
- Oh. Hi.Copy !req
338. - They call me marky mark
around here,Copy !req
339. Because here at simon realtyCopy !req
340. We are one funky bunch.Copy !req
341. Come on, you guys.Copy !req
342. Raise the roof
when I say that.Copy !req
343. What are you,
all temps again today?Copy !req
344. let's go, gangnam-style.Copy !req
345. he's heard gangnam style.Copy !req
346. He knows it.
Right?Copy !req
347. That's 'cause he's american.Copy !req
348. This is carl.
- Hi.Copy !req
349. - He's, uh, from here.
He's from our neck of the woods.Copy !req
350. But gangnam style
is great, isn't it?Copy !req
351. - Oh, my god.
He's michael scott.Copy !req
352. - It's hosing time,
aunt shirley.Copy !req
353. Have a seat.
You're gonna have a hard timeCopy !req
354. Hearing her
over the roar of the hose.Copy !req
355. - We have to do chains?
- Oh, you'll see.Copy !req
356. Here we go.
- Get this show on the road.Copy !req
357. - Let's do it.
Ready?Copy !req
358. Here's a box cutter
to get her clothes off.Copy !req
359. - Dwight!
- Let's get to it.Copy !req
360. Give it a whirl.
- No. No.Copy !req
361. Dwight, I'm not gonna hose
your aunt downCopy !req
362. Like some animal.Copy !req
363. - Stop your bellyaching
and hose me.Copy !req
364. - I need you to hose my aunt.Copy !req
365. - No, dwight.
- Okay, you are useless.Copy !req
366. - No, no.
- Give me the hose.Copy !req
367. - Dwight, I won't do it.Copy !req
368. I'm gonna give your aunt
a proper bathCopy !req
369. And a haircut
like a lady.Copy !req
370. And you two
are gonna shut up about it.Copy !req
371. Do you have
a bathtub?Copy !req
372. - Yes, ma'am.
- Good.Copy !req
373. - This is not so much an officeCopy !req
374. As it is a rec room
with a bunch of computers in it.Copy !req
375. And, frankly,
if I had my way,Copy !req
376. I'd toss the computers
in the garbage,Copy !req
377. But unfortunately we use themCopy !req
378. For practically
everything we do, so...Copy !req
379. That ain't gonna happen.Copy !req
380. He's a temp.
Don't worry about him.Copy !req
381. Alice!Copy !req
382. All right.
Stay awake, okay?Copy !req
383. - Hey, nellie.Copy !req
384. Mm.Copy !req
385. I am so sick
of February.Copy !req
386. It's the shortest month, but it
sure doesn't feel that way.Copy !req
387. We should catch up.Copy !req
388. - Um...Copy !req
389. - You know, I've been going
over my notes from the trial—Copy !req
390. - I feel like I might have
glossed over a few minor points.Copy !req
391. - No, toby,
you cannot keep blathering onCopy !req
392. About this scranton strangler.Copy !req
393. Do something about it.Copy !req
394. Get it out of your system,
whatever it takes.Copy !req
395. - I've been drafting a letter.Copy !req
396. Then what? Another year
picking out a stamp?Copy !req
397. Another six months
before you decide to lick it?Copy !req
398. Just—I don't want
to hear it.Copy !req
399. - My aunt joan.Copy !req
400. Oh, well, she—she worked here
before I did,Copy !req
401. So there's no nepotism involved.Copy !req
402. In fact, to be honest with you,
I'm probably a little harderCopy !req
403. On her than I am
on the rest of these people.Copy !req
404. Can you not work on this?Copy !req
405. Work on this month's.Copy !req
406. Okay, nana?Copy !req
407. When I say, "chillax,"
people chillax.Copy !req
408. Watch this.
Hey, roger, chillax.Copy !req
409. He must not have heard me.Copy !req
410. - No.
I heard you.Copy !req
411. - Step this way
for the spanish inquisition.Copy !req
412. Kids in the hall.Copy !req
413. Just—it's not high pressure.Copy !req
414. It's just a little
cawfee talk.Copy !req
415. Okay? Like buttah.Copy !req
416. Mike myers.
- oh, my god.Copy !req
417. - Thank you.Copy !req
418. Thanks.
Thanks a lot.Copy !req
419. Really appreciate it.Copy !req
420. You guys were supposed
to have my back, okay?Copy !req
421. Instead, you let a guy
named plop steal my girlfriend.Copy !req
422. - Hey, boss,
I did everything I could.Copy !req
423. I invited pete out for drinks.Copy !req
424. I emailed him shots of my junk.
- Ugh.Copy !req
425. - Kid doesn't have
a romantic bone in his body.Copy !req
426. - Come on, andy.
They're a good match.Copy !req
427. - That doesn't matter, okay?Copy !req
428. What matters
is that I am hurt.Copy !req
429. Deep hurt inside of me.Copy !req
430. I don't care if they're romeo
and freaking juliet.Copy !req
431. I feel like the guy juliet dated
before romeo.Copy !req
432. Probably her boss.Copy !req
433. And guess what?Copy !req
434. Juliet's boss
also had feelings.Copy !req
435. - Hey, andy.
- What?Copy !req
436. - You got a booger bubble
going on there.Copy !req
437. - Sorry.Copy !req
438. - That's okay.Copy !req
439. - My whole life
is a booger bubble.Copy !req
440. - This is a tiny resume.Copy !req
441. papa smurf.Copy !req
442. Come back to the mushroom.Copy !req
443. - It's from the smurfs movie.
- Yeah.Copy !req
444. I've seen that with my kids.
It is tiny.Copy !req
445. But I've actually
been commissionedCopy !req
446. By the city of scranton
to paint a mural—Copy !req
447. - What does this say here?Copy !req
448. What language is this?Copy !req
449. Swahili?
Oh, wait a second.Copy !req
450. Now I can read it.
- Oh, 'cause it was upside-down.Copy !req
451. - You're a good audience.Copy !req
452. Unlike some of these people
around here.Copy !req
453. - Yeah.
The city commissioned me to do—Copy !req
454. - Yeah, we don't have a lot of
call for doodling around here.Copy !req
455. But I like this resume,
and here's why.Copy !req
456. It shows that you
stick around.Copy !req
457. Yeah,
you don't jump ship easilyCopy !req
458. Like a lot of these people.Copy !req
459. I mean, they—they worship me,
you know,Copy !req
460. But do they like me?Copy !req
461. I mean, do you think
they like me, pam?Copy !req
462. - Yes.Copy !req
463. - What if bob dylan
was your boss?Copy !req
464. I'm gonna do dylan.Copy !req
465. Seven years?
Eight years.Copy !req
466. You have children?
- Two children, yes.Copy !req
467. - And you do art and painting?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
468. - Kind of the same thing.
♪ kind of the same thingCopy !req
469. - Hey.
You got a sec to talk?Copy !req
470. - Kind of painful
to chat with you, pete,Copy !req
471. Ever since the ol' one-two punch
to my scrotum pole,Copy !req
472. Translation—penis,Copy !req
473. Translation—my manhood.Copy !req
474. - Yeah, look, uh...Copy !req
475. I understand
break-ups are tough.Copy !req
476. You know, it happens
to all of usCopy !req
477. At some point
in life.Copy !req
478. But you gotta move on.Copy !req
479. - Great advice.Copy !req
480. Thank you.
You can leave now.Copy !req
481. - Listen to him, andy.Copy !req
482. He's trying
to tell you somethingCopy !req
483. That you really need to hear.Copy !req
484. - Awesome perspective.
Thanks for butting in.Copy !req
485. - Well, I've been
where you are now.Copy !req
486. I dated this girl alice,Copy !req
487. And it was an ugly break-up.Copy !req
488. She worked at a marketing agency
right next to my house.Copy !req
489. I'd run into her every day,
but I had to grow upCopy !req
490. And deal with it,
and I did.Copy !req
491. We're even
facebook friends now.Copy !req
492. - See?
We can all be friends.Copy !req
493. - Yeah.
- Just get over it.Copy !req
494. It doesn't have to be awkward.Copy !req
495. - I do think we can have
a fair...Copy !req
496. Yeah, so life
gives you lemons,Copy !req
497. You just gotta eat 'em,
rinds and all.Copy !req
498. Your ex-girlfriend
will shove them down your throatCopy !req
499. With the help
of her hunky new boyfriend.Copy !req
500. So that's fun.Copy !req
501. - Nothing to see here.Copy !req
502. Boss at work.Copy !req
503. This will be your desk,
right up front.Copy !req
504. Best seat on the roller coaster.Copy !req
505. You must be this tall
to ride this ride.Copy !req
506. No pregnant women allowed.Copy !req
507. Are you?
I'm not allowed to ask, so...Copy !req
508. - I am not—
- you're not pregnant.Copy !req
509. I didn't ask her
if she was pregnant.Copy !req
510. She just offered it.Copy !req
511. The last three girls here
all got pregnant.Copy !req
512. - Wow.
- Don't—don't be afraid.Copy !req
513. It's a different chair.Copy !req
514. I don't want a guy up here.Copy !req
515. I want to, you know, see a woman
come in and do a great job.Copy !req
516. Something—I have to look out
this window—Copy !req
517. - I'm sorry, I thought this job
was for the positionCopy !req
518. Of office manager.Copy !req
519. - It is.
Yeah.Copy !req
520. You'd manage this office.Copy !req
521. You'd answer the phone
and forward the calls,Copy !req
522. And, you know, go
for a coffee run now and again.Copy !req
523. - So kind
of like a receptionist.Copy !req
524. - Yeah.
Like a receptionist,Copy !req
525. But we call you
the office manager,Copy !req
526. Because it's less demeaning.Copy !req
527. By the way,
how long are these camerasCopy !req
528. Gonna be following you around?Copy !req
529. Because I think
this is pretty cool.Copy !req
530. Pretty, pretty cool.Copy !req
531. Larry david,
curb your enthusiasm.Copy !req
532. Do you like that show?
- Yes.Copy !req
533. - Well, I think they indulge
themselves a little too much.Copy !req
534. I like scripted.Copy !req
535. I spent ten years
as a receptionistCopy !req
536. To michael scott.Copy !req
537. And I have kids now.Copy !req
538. And I just—
I can't.Copy !req
539. - Ow.
The braid is too tight.Copy !req
540. - Oh, hush.Copy !req
541. Loose braids reflect
a loose character.Copy !req
542. Now stay still.Copy !req
543. - Yes, ma'am.Copy !req
544. - I think your hair is much too
long for your age, by the way.Copy !req
545. - Okay.Copy !req
546. - There.Copy !req
547. - Thank you, angela.Copy !req
548. - I'm going to the prisonCopy !req
549. This afternoon
to go and talk to the strangler.Copy !req
550. - Probably best to use his
real name rather than strangler.Copy !req
551. - Don't use his real name.Copy !req
552. George howard skub?Copy !req
553. That's a devil name.Copy !req
554. - Anyway, I just wanted to say
I'm doing it.Copy !req
555. I'm going.Copy !req
556. - He's doing it.Copy !req
557. - The fact that you've
been able to cover—Copy !req
558. - Hey.Copy !req
559. - Hey, how'd the interview go?Copy !req
560. - Oh, my gosh.
Wait until I tell you.Copy !req
561. This guy was unbelievable.Copy !req
562. Okay, so—
- I can't waitCopy !req
563. To hear about it later.Copy !req
564. Do you want to come in at 8:00?
And don't eat,Copy !req
565. Because I'm ordering in.Copy !req
566. - 8:00?
Really?Copy !req
567. - I'll make it worth your while,
I promise.Copy !req
568. - Sure.
I mean, it's philly.Copy !req
569. I can kill four hours.Copy !req
570. So, yeah,
I'll see you at 8:00.Copy !req
571. - All right. Love you.
- Love you.Copy !req
572. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
573. - I'm here
from bci marketing consultantsCopy !req
574. To meet
with andrew bernard.Copy !req
575. - Oh, yes,
the consultant.Copy !req
576. Andy said you can start
right away.Copy !req
577. So I will take you
to your desk.Copy !req
578. - Oh, okay, great.
Thanks.Copy !req
579. - Mm.
Fresh meat.Copy !req
580. Fresh meat!Copy !req
581. - Just keep walking.
Don't give her anything.Copy !req
582. She'll take it and run.Copy !req
583. I'm erin by the way.
- Nice to meet you.Copy !req
584. Cute sweater.
- Oh, thanks.Copy !req
585. Your shoes match.
I'm bad at small talk.Copy !req
586. - I'm kevin.Copy !req
587. - Pete?Copy !req
588. - Alice.Copy !req
589. oh, my god.Copy !req
590. - It's been a while, huh?Copy !req
591. - Oh, do you two
know each other?Copy !req
592. - Yeah.
We have a history.Copy !req
593. - Oh.
- History. Wow.Copy !req
594. Okay.
We dated for two years.Copy !req
595. - That's so random.Copy !req
596. - Well, is it?Copy !req
597. - Andy also hired
a management consultant today.Copy !req
598. Oh, no.Copy !req
599. - Hey, erin,
look who's back.Copy !req
600. The birdman.Copy !req
601. - Hello, beautiful.Copy !req
602. - Didn't you two used to do it?Copy !req
603. - We absolutely did.
Thank you for remembering that.Copy !req
604. - Hi.
Toby flenderson.Copy !req
605. I'm here to see
george howard skub.Copy !req
606. This is the prison.Copy !req
607. I am not going in thereCopy !req
608. With expectations, per se.Copy !req
609. I will meet
george howard skub.Copy !req
610. I will tell him that I believe
he is innocent.Copy !req
611. I would understand if he
felt motivated to hug me.Copy !req
612. I would understand
if a friendship began.Copy !req
613. How did bogart put it?Copy !req
614. I think
this is the startCopy !req
615. Of my first friendship.Copy !req
616. - So pete was a librarian?Copy !req
617. - He worked as a librarian
freshman year.Copy !req
618. - Was he, like,
the sexy librarian?Copy !req
619. - Okay.
- Is there somebodyCopy !req
620. Who's in charge
of marketing?Copy !req
621. Maybe I should sit
near him or her.Copy !req
622. - Hi.
How's it going?Copy !req
623. - Hi.
Good.Copy !req
624. - I'd love to discuss strategy
with youCopy !req
625. If you have a marketing—
- wow, this sure is intense.Copy !req
626. Having to share a workspace
with someoneCopy !req
627. You used to get it on with.Copy !req
628. - Andy, that is
really inappropriate.Copy !req
629. - Awkward!
- It is awkward.Copy !req
630. This is a really uncomfortable
situation that you've contrived.Copy !req
631. - Really uncomfortable
situation.Copy !req
632. - Yeah.Copy !req
633. - That's all right, pete.
You can handle it.Copy !req
634. I mean, we all
just gotta move on.Copy !req
635. Ain't that right,
professor lecture-much?Copy !req
636. Uh, question.Copy !req
637. How's that medicine taste?Copy !req
638. Your own-flavored?Copy !req
639. Is it just me,
or have these tables turned?Copy !req
640. Hmm.
Hmm.Copy !req
641. - So there's
no marketing department?Copy !req
642. No.Copy !req
643. - You know,
times were tough.Copy !req
644. I was unemployed.Copy !req
645. I was still heartbroken
over you.Copy !req
646. But as you can see I put
all that weight right back on.Copy !req
647. Feel how fat my buttocks are.Copy !req
648. Yeah.
It's crazy.Copy !req
649. Touch it.
It's like a warm pumpkin.Copy !req
650. - So andy just called you up
out of the blue?Copy !req
651. - Yeah.
He told me you two broke up.Copy !req
652. You must be pretty horny.Copy !req
653. - Well, the good news is,
no more guilty conscience.Copy !req
654. At least you know
he is the strangler.Copy !req
655. The proof is in the grip.Copy !req
656. Did they say when
the vocal cords would heal?Copy !req
657. One week?
Okay.Copy !req
658. Two weeks?Copy !req
659. Okay.Copy !req
660. You offered your neck
in search of the truth.Copy !req
661. The proud neck of justice—
isn't that the expression?Copy !req
662. Well, anyway,
it was—it was very brave.Copy !req
663. It really was quite brave.Copy !req
664. - I feel like a show pony.Copy !req
665. - And you look like one too.
Thank you, angela.Copy !req
666. - You're welcome.
Would you like some stew?Copy !req
667. - By all means. And I will carve
the roast skunk.Copy !req
668. Angela.
- Mm-hmm?Copy !req
669. - Would you like
the stink sack?Copy !req
670. - Is it any good?
- No.Copy !req
671. You don't eat it.
It's a toy, like a wishbone.Copy !req
672. You know, prettiest girl
gets the stink sack.Copy !req
673. - Thank you.Copy !req
674. - So when's the wedding?Copy !req
675. - Um...Copy !req
676. Actually, we are just friends.Copy !req
677. - That's what mose said
about his lady scarecrow,Copy !req
678. And look what he did
to that poor thing.Copy !req
679. - Hello?Copy !req
680. - Hey.
Back here.Copy !req
681. Wow.
Seriously?Copy !req
682. Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
683. Is that champagne?
- Si, señor.Copy !req
684. - Oh, jim, I should have
told you I didn't get the job.Copy !req
685. - Oh, man.
I'm so sorry.Copy !req
686. Are you all right?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
687. I'm more than all right.Copy !req
688. There's just nothing
to celebrate?Copy !req
689. - Are you kidding?Copy !req
690. You're in philly.Copy !req
691. And this is
just consolation champagne.Copy !req
692. That immediately gave up
to the nazis.Copy !req
693. - here.Copy !req
694. - You're very quick
on your feet.Copy !req
695. I remember you.Copy !req
696. Funny.Copy !req
697. - All right, so tell me
all about it.Copy !req
698. - Okay, well...Copy !req
699. Gosh, thank you
for your help today.Copy !req
700. Your perspective
was very useful.Copy !req
701. Thank you.Copy !req
702. - It was not an unpleasant wayCopy !req
703. To spend an afternoon.Copy !req
704. Dwight, dwight.
- Right.Copy !req
705. Not outside.
The horseflies.Copy !req
706. You know what, my farm is
only a few acres east of here.Copy !req
707. Or we could use
the slaughterhouse.Copy !req
708. - No, dwight,
the senator.Copy !req
709. - Leave him. He probably won't
even notice that you're gone.Copy !req
710. Be with me, monkey.Copy !req
711. - I can't be
your monkey, dwight.Copy !req
712. - I'm not talking
about some frisky rompCopy !req
713. We have wasted too much
of our lives ignoring the factCopy !req
714. That we belong together.Copy !req
715. The 80 or 90 years that I
have left of this life...Copy !req
716. I want to spend with you.Copy !req
717. - I made a vow.Copy !req
718. I gave my word.Copy !req
719. - Stand by your man.Copy !req
720. It's what I would want
if you were mine.Copy !req
721. - Good night, d.Copy !req
722. - How are you doing?Copy !req
723. Is it really rough?
- It is so unpleasant.Copy !req
724. You?
- Hey, love turds.Copy !req
725. Conference room now.Copy !req
726. Thank you all for coming in.Copy !req
727. Just wanted to check in.Copy !req
728. How was everyone's day?Copy !req
729. - Honestly,
it was a little weird.Copy !req
730. - Really?
Hmm.Copy !req
731. That's interesting,
because erin and peteCopy !req
732. Thought it wouldn't be weird
at all.Copy !req
733. Why do you think
it was weird, gabe?Copy !req
734. Maybe because you and erin
used to be an item?Copy !req
735. - I still wear
erin's button-downsCopy !req
736. Around the condo sometimes,Copy !req
737. So it feels to me like we're
still in a relationship...Copy !req
738. - Gabe.
- A lot of the time.Copy !req
739. - Ugh.Copy !req
740. - And, alice, I understandCopy !req
741. You once dumped pete.
Ouch.Copy !req
742. - It was an amicable break-up,
andy.Copy !req
743. - Okay,
while we're rewriting history,Copy !req
744. You never had
a drinking problem.Copy !req
745. - It was college.Copy !req
746. That is what you do.Copy !req
747. - Dude, you're also supposed
to go to classes,Copy !req
748. - Hey, andy, is this
at all work-related?Copy !req
749. - We'll get to that.Copy !req
750. Gabe, did erin ever tell youCopy !req
751. - no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
752. She wouldn't even
let me say it.Copy !req
753. It was adorable.
She'd plug her earsCopy !req
754. - Gabe,
can you stop talking?Copy !req
755. Because every word
out of your mouthCopy !req
756. Is like the squawk
of an ugly pelican.Copy !req
757. - I got a tattoo for you.Copy !req
758. - I didn't ask you
to get that nike swoosh.Copy !req
759. Nobody did.
You did that for you.Copy !req
760. - Just do it.Copy !req
761. You were the it
that I was just doing.Copy !req
762. - So you're dating
a secretary now?Copy !req
763. Moving up in the world,
pete.Copy !req
764. - She's nice to me.Copy !req
765. - How's that p.E. Degree
coming?Copy !req
766. His dream in college
was to be a gym teacher.Copy !req
767. - Well, guess what,Copy !req
768. He could still be a gym teacher.Copy !req
769. In fact, we could all
still be gym teachers.Copy !req
770. So let's—
- I technically cannot.Copy !req
771. I don't have the lung capacity
to blow a whistle.Copy !req
772. - Oh, my god.Copy !req
773. What kind of music
are you into, peter?Copy !req
774. - Uh, I like
all kinds of music, gabe.Copy !req
775. - Really?
All kinds?Copy !req
776. Written by the white knights
of ku klux klan?Copy !req
777. Erin, are you even hearing this?
- No!Copy !req
778. - Gabe, he didn't even
say that.Copy !req
779. - He's not
a very sophisticated man.Copy !req
780. I mean,
he can't use chopsticks,Copy !req
781. So do I need
to say anything else?Copy !req
782. erin, I've been to japan.Copy !req
783. I know how to use chopsticks
so well.Copy !req
784. Come back.Copy !req
785. One night.
Give me one night with you.Copy !req
786. - What is that supposed to be?
- I have shaved everything.Copy !req
787. - I don't want you to shave—Copy !req
788. - I wasted two years
of my life on you.Copy !req
789. You realize that, right?
- I just want to be real clearCopy !req
790. That chopsticks
is not the measure of a man.Copy !req
791. - I am as smooth
as a porpoise for you.Copy !req
792. - Why didn't you say
at the beginning,Copy !req
793. "this isn't really going
that well"?Copy !req
794. - Shovel his sashimi
into his mouthCopy !req
795. As a sport.Copy !req
796. All right,
all right, yes,Copy !req
797. That is a legitimate question.Copy !req
798. Does making erin and pete
feel badCopy !req
799. Make me feel better?Copy !req
800. Yeah.Copy !req
801. Yeah. It does.Copy !req
802. - So imagine, like,
the real estate versionCopy !req
803. Of michael scott,
and that was this guy.Copy !req
804. He did half the interview
as ace ventura.Copy !req
805. - Tell me about the cologne.
How much?Copy !req
806. - Oh.
An entire bottle at least.Copy !req
807. - You're definitely
hoarding this, by the way.Copy !req
808. - Guess—guess what poster
he had on his wall?Copy !req
809. - Austin powers.
- Mm-mm.Copy !req
810. - Ferris bueller.
- Mm-mm.Copy !req
811. You're getting colder.Copy !req
812. - Not night at the roxbury.Copy !req
813. - No.Copy !req
814. The odd life
of timothy green.Copy !req
815. - I'm sorry. How did you think
I was expected to guess that?Copy !req
816. - I don't know.
But it's interesting, right?Copy !req
817. - It's fascinating.
- He said he can't helpCopy !req
818. But tear up when he looks at it,
and it's right next to his desk.Copy !req
819. He must look at it,
like, 20 times a day.Copy !req
820. - That's amazing.Copy !req
821. Well, listen,
you can't win 'em all, right?Copy !req
822. - Mm-hmm.
- So the next interviewCopy !req
823. Has to be better.Copy !req
824. - I don't know.Copy !req
825. - What do you mean?Copy !req
826. Of course it will.
You're amazing.Copy !req
827. - I know.
It's just, even if it wasCopy !req
828. A great boss
and a great job,Copy !req
829. I just—I don't—
I don't know if I—Copy !req
830. If I want to—
I don't know if I want this.Copy !req
831. - Huh.Copy !req
832. This is a little
out of left field.Copy !req
833. - Is it?Copy !req
834. I just—
I liked our life in scranton.Copy !req
835. - And I have started a business
in philadelphia.Copy !req
836. - Little
did my grandfather know,Copy !req
837. Mahjong would be here
to stay.Copy !req
838. - Hobbies of the east
continues in a moment.Copy !req
839. You could all be doing this.Copy !req
840. Just saying.Copy !req
841. I watch way too many ads online,Copy !req
842. And I don't do enough sit-ups.Copy !req
843. So I bought these.Copy !req
844. Now every time an ad
pops up online,Copy !req
845. I get 30 seconds
of ab-blasting.Copy !req
846. I call it ads for abs.Copy !req
847. Ironically, I learned about
the boots from an ad online.Copy !req
848. - Why can't you just do
regular sit-ups?Copy !req
849. - I'll tell you why.Copy !req
850. Because...Copy !req
851. The floor...Copy !req
852. Is...Copy !req
853. Disgusting.Copy !req
854. Yeah.
My trainer said,Copy !req
855. "everybody fails working out."Copy !req
856. That's how you win.Copy !req
857. Okay.
All right.Copy !req
858. Okay.
Kevin, a little help, buddy.Copy !req
859. - Oh, why don't your famous
stomachs help you now?Copy !req
860. - Can someone please help me?Copy !req
861. - Oh, these teas are hot.Copy !req
862. Can someone help me, please?Copy !req
863. Oh, thanks. Yeah.Copy !req
864. Okay.
- Just...Copy !req
865. Just...Copy !req
866. People,
I'm not going anywhere.Copy !req
867. Soon my core
will get strong again,Copy !req
868. And, when that happens,
I'll be able...Copy !req
869. Head rush!Copy !req
870. Ah!Copy !req
871. Can someone please help me?Copy !req
872. I—
hey.Copy !req
873. I'm not going anywhere.Copy !req
874. I'll be right here.Copy !req
875. Oh, that's not good.Copy !req
876. Hey, guys, I've got 20 bucks
for anyone who will help me.Copy !req
877. Kevin, would you like a pizza?Copy !req