The Office 9x14

1. - Have you seen darryl? - He's around here somewhere.

2. - Hmm.

3. Yeah, darryl's here.

4. So is santa claus.

5. It's just a regular Thursday.

6. Neither guy is here.

7. And it's Friday.

8. Welcome to me and darryl's world of lies.

9. Nobody knows it yet,

10. But darryl already started working in philly.

11. So now he has to sneak out of here

12. Like the sneakiest little sneaky sneak

13. You ever saw.

14. And I'm his helper.

15. It's so fun.

16. Darryl, meet bear-yl.

17. - How much did you pay for that?

18. - Nothing. Won him at the carnival.

19. Spent a ton on tickets, though.

20. Drive safe.

21. - Everybody knows I go to philly.

22. I've just been using sick days I saved up.

23. But erin was so excited about being sneaky sneaks,

24. I went along with it.

25. Darryl, you are too much.

26. That guy's hilarious.

27. He's here today.

28. - I've really been putting in the hours

29. On this mural.

30. And my boss is totally okay with it,

31. Because he's in the bahamas

32. And has no clue what anybody's doing.

33. I'm usually very self-critical. I hate what I paint.

34. But I don't know. This time I feel

35. Like it's— it's really coming together.

36. Oh, my god.

37. What? You've got to be kidding me.

38. What—are those— are those butts?

39. Huh?

40. No way.

41. No way.

42. - Excuse me, everyone.

43. Is it okay if I leave early from work today?

44. It's phillip's first birthday,

45. And the senator and I are hosting

46. A party at our house.

47. - Oh, cute, so there'll be a bunch of kids.

48. - No. No children.

49. Our house is not kid-friendly.

50. Most of our furniture is sharp. Also ew.

51. It will mostly be campaign donors.

52. - Angela, I am prepared to donate

53. A whopping $8 to lipton for america

54. To have an invitation— - no, no, please.

55. You know, actually none of you could even really make the cut

56. For this thing.

57. Which I am so sad about.

58. - Angela.

59. You're going to find out, so I thought

60. I'd let you know that robert invited me too.

61. - What? - He said he wanted me there

62. For support. - I'm...

63. His wife.

64. - Angela's husband and I are in love,

65. But as a politician in this town

66. You still need the conventional blonde wife

67. On your lawn signs.

68. He is risking everything to have me there today.

69. Me.

70. - We agreed that you wouldn't be seen

71. With him in public.

72. It's humiliating for me.

73. Well, if you get to bring a stud,

74. Maybe I do too.

75. We are splitting a sublet on a place near philly.

76. - Just a couple of grown, sexy ass roommates.

77. - And, as much as I miss pam and the kids,

78. It's kind of nice to live the bachelor life again.

79. You know, let your hair down.

80. - Jim was nice enough to give me his bedroom.

81. - I'm couching it.

82. - Which usually means there are clothes

83. All over the living room.

84. - And this dude labels his food.

85. He's the clean one. I'm the messy one.

86. How much fun is this?

87. - I love jim. I love that he hooked me up

88. With a job.

89. It's just he uses old t-shirts

90. As wash rags.

91. He doesn't wash his dishes.

92. Apparently, they need to "soak."

93. He hooked me up with a job.

94. - Attention, everyone.

95. Can I have your attention, please?

96. Yeah, I don't know everybody's name down here,

97. But, whoever did this, will you please raise your hand?

98. Hello?

99. This is not over.

100. Okay?

101. I will stay up here all day if I have to.

102. Is that what you want?

103. Yeah, I will also come down if I want to.

104. It's my choice.

105. I don't demand justice often.

106. I'm not like angela

107. Who calls a lawyer every time someone watches

108. A youtube video of animals doing it,

109. But someone should get fired over this, right?

110. Val's no help. Andy's gone. Jim's out.

111. I just feel like I'm on my own here.

112. I mean, okay, not completely on my own,

113. But in terms of people who can do something.

114. Thank you, brian.

115. - Hey, so wade wants to send people to the sloan conference.

116. We got to compile a list of our target clients.

117. - Already on it.

118. I ordered them by their google trend ranking

119. So we know who to hit first.

120. - Who is this guy? We are killing it.

121. - Yes, sir. - Yeah.

122. - Conference room, everybody, now.

123. - You don't have the clearance

124. To call a conference room meeting.

125. - Yes, but david wallace does,

126. And he asked me to gather everyone

127. To talk about stuff that's gonna be revealed

128. Once we're in the conference room for the meeting.

129. - You're telling me david wallace asked you

130. To call a super-secret

131. Classified conference room meeting?

132. - Yeah.

133. Super-secret classified conference room meeting now.

134. - Let's go.

135. - I have terrible news.

136. Someone defaced my mural.

137. They painted all over it.

138. - I thought that's what you were doing.

139. - Oh. They used worse paint than your paint.

140. - I don't think so, but they put paint

141. - I thought you wanted paint on the whole thing.

142. - Different-colored paint. I wanted different-colored paint

143. In the spots where they put their paints,

144. So it just is—okay.

145. The point is these warehouse guys are vandals,

146. And they need to be stopped.

147. - Yeah, and somebody had the balls to put my phone number

148. On the men's room wall, which is so messed up.

149. It's 6782, not 83.

150. - Uh, 6783's also a good time, less mileage.

151. - Pam, what can be done?

152. - Yes, thank you. Let's answer that question.

153. - I was politely saying nothing can be done.

154. I thought I was clear. - What?

155. Come on, guys, we need to figure out

156. Who did this and punish them.

157. This isn't just about me.

158. This is about all of us.

159. Don't you see how much we worked on this?

160. How much time and energy?

161. We put our heart and soul into this thing.

162. - David wallace called this meeting?

163. - Sure did. I was as surprised as you,

164. But apparently he is very passionate about public art.

165. No, no, come on, guys. Don't go.

166. - Pam, I'll help you. - You will?

167. - If there's anything I hate worse than art,

168. It's crime.

169. - Thank you? - I am in too, pam.

170. - Yeah? - Yes, of course.

171. I believe in you. I believe in your art.

172. And I am bored. - Great.

173. I was hoping for a righteous mob.

174. I ended up with dwight and nellie.

175. But they both have a mob mentality,

176. And I'm pretty sure dwight has a pitchfork in his car.

177. - You need my pitchfork?

178. - Hey. - What is it?

179. I have vengeance to exact.

180. - Exciting news. There's room for one more

181. At my son's birthday event,

182. And I want you. - I'm not interested.

183. - But, wait, the state transportation secretary

184. Will be there.

185. You could sell your beet salt idea

186. - If I get the deicing gig, it's gonna be on merit,

187. Not because I played politics.

188. - Hey, so a little birdie just told me

189. That dwight can't come to your son's birthday.

190. So do you want me to go with you?

191. - No. - Okay, I understand.

192. I'll just stay here then,

193. Alone with the money.

194. - Oh, crap.

195. - I am handing out pieces of paper

196. On which you will draw one human butt.

197. What I do with said drawings

198. Is no one's business but my own.

199. - You're gonna compare 'em to the butts up there.

200. - Incorrect. It is my fetish.

201. Oh, also sign them.

202. My fetish is signed drawings of butts.

203. - I'm not drawing a butt.

204. - All right, then no bottoms.

205. We should ask you to do big rounded ws.

206. - Yes. Or nipple-less breasts.

207. - Okay, okay, I think it's time to get back to work.

208. Come on, fellas. Let's go.

209. - Or melons like cantaloupes

210. With the halves are cut off

211. And then just the bottom parts.

212. - Well, this is getting us nowhere.

213. - We need another approach.

214. We need to find the weakest one

215. And separate him from the group.

216. Yeah, I think, if we could get nate alone,

217. We could crack him.

218. - We just need a pretense to talk to him.

219. We could tell him that his mother is dying.

220. That usually works on him.

221. - Nate!

222. Your mother is dying.

223. - It's all right. It's all right.

224. - So she's gonna pull through again?

225. That's great. Can I talk to her?

226. - Now, listen, now that we have got you here,

227. Let's talk about this mural business.

228. Now I know a lot of these warehouse guys are your friends,

229. But we've got chewing gum.

230. - Gum's gotten mintier lately. Have you noticed?

231. Like, some of it's just too minty.

232. It's like they're literally trying to hurt your—

233. - Tell us who defaced the mural.

234. - He did it.

235. - All right. You can go. Give him his gum.

236. - There's no gum. There never was any gum.

237. - Wow, that's really rude.

238. - Opening with puff pastries?

239. That's a bold play.

240. They're saying it's only gonna get better from here?

241. Good luck.

242. - That painting is just...

243. How can anyone that weighs less than a guinea hen

244. Be so terrifying?

245. - Ladies and gentlemen,

246. Senator and angela lipton.

247. - Thanks, everybody. Thanks for coming.

248. Phillip had no idea he was so popular.

249. - Oh, robert, you're horrible.

250. Simon, maxine, who let you guys in here?

251. - This is the team.

252. - Nice job, man. - You too, darryl.

253. - What?

254. Oh, man.

255. I'm sorry about that.

256. - It's cool. Reading's tricky sometimes.

257. - Oh. Are you really mad about this?

258. - That's my go-to thermos, that's all.

259. - Oh. It's your go-to—

260. Oh, man, that's a bummer.

261. I'm sorry about that. - No big deal.

262. No big deal. - No, no, if it's a big deal,

263. It's a big deal. No big deal.

264. - No, no, no, no, you don't have to do that.

265. - Honestly, I don't mind.

266. Did you want me to wash it for you?

267. - I don't know. Are you gonna wash it,

268. Or are you gonna let it soak?

269. - Okay.

270. Here you go.

271. - Thank you.

272. - So, frank, do you have any thoughts

273. About what was done? By you?

274. - Maybe—maybe I could get the ball rolling.

275. Frank?

276. Hi.

277. Pam. I am so sorry

278. If I've done anything

279. To offend you.

280. I'm sure it isn't easy for you guys

281. To have an upstairs person coming down in your space.

282. So truly I apologize.

283. But enough about me.

284. Your turn.

285. - Insert apology here, frank?

286. - I'm sorry I didn't like your crappy doodles.

287. I drew a butt.

288. Big deal. Butts are funny.

289. - Well, I didn't think that butt was funny.

290. - Well, maybe if you got the stick out of yours.

291. - What was that? - You know what?

292. You people can't fire me,

293. So screw you.

294. - Whoa.

295. Hey, that is not okay.

296. What are you gonna do about that?

297. - The first sorry sounded sincere.

298. - There were two or three sorries in there.

299. - Mm, that's quite a lot. - It's a lot.

300. - That sucked.

301. He didn't apologize. There's no talking to that guy.

302. - Oh, your little feelings party didn't work out, huh?

303. Who won the hugging contest? No, let me guess.

304. Everyone tied for first.

305. - We should just take him down.

306. - Wait. Are you saying...

307. - I'm saying we should go scorched earth

308. On that guy's face.

309. - Normally I find pam to be a comforting

310. If unarousing presence around the office.

311. Like a well-watered fern.

312. But today she has tapped into this vengeful violent side,

313. And I'm like, wow, pam has kind of a good butt.

314. He messed with something that was important to you.

315. We need to mess with something that's important to him.

316. A little eye-for-an-eye action. - Yes, yes.

317. - Go all hammurabi on this clown.

318. - We need an infiltrator.

319. - I know just the man for the job.

320. - Clark?

321. - He even looks like a mole.

322. - One of his tee shots can wipe out a whole owl population.

323. - You two seem very close.

324. - Yes, we're good friends. Good friends.

325. - Yeah. - And I suppose that may ruffle

326. A few feathers, because for a long time

327. Our party has turned its back on the hispanic people.

328. Well, that is not who I am.

329. I am a friend of the latino community.

330. And, if you ask me,

331. It's time that we bid bigotry

332. Hasta luego.

333. Now does my embrace of hispanics

334. Make me more electable?

335. Given demographic trends, I don't know.

336. And I don't care.

337. What I care about is oscar.

338. My friend. Mi amigo oscar.

339. - Maybe I should be insulted that he only invited me here

340. To be his token mexican friend,

341. But he could have invited

342. Any number of hispanics that he knows—

343. His gardener rohelio,

344. Or he could have invited...

345. Rohelio.

346. But he chose me.

347. Rohelio's malaysian.

348. The son of a bitch is malaysian.

349. - Oh, hey. - Hey.

350. - Hey, I usually watch tv during my lunch break.

351. It's cool? - Yeah, cool.

352. It's mine. Don't worry.

353. - I didn't say anything.

354. - I don't think you had to.

355. - Excuse me?

356. - I think you might be going a little crazy

357. With this labeling thing, man.

358. I mean, you put your name on a five-pound bag of flour.

359. Are you honestly saying that, if I needed flour,

360. I couldn't use that?

361. - What you need flour for, jim?

362. - That's not the point.

363. - What you making, bread? - No, I'm not making bread.

364. - What kind of bread you making? Pumpernickel?

365. - It doesn't matter. Darryl, I think you know

366. The point I'm trying to make.

367. - All right, I'm being a jerk.

368. You got me this job. I should be grateful.

369. I am, but just, you know, I get a little finicky about my stuff.

370. That's all.

371. - It's all good.

372. Are we all good?

373. - We good.

374. - What's that cooler?

375. - Nothing. It's mine.

376. What happened to my tavis smileys?

377. - Oh, crap. Were those yours?

378. - I never want to see you working

379. In the upstairs office again!

380. Do you hear me?

381. - But my only crime was loving the local sports teams

382. And trying to be one of the guys.

383. - Silence.

384. You'll now be working in the warehouse

385. With the untouchables.

386. Now go make your hands rough with work.

387. - Okay, boss.

388. Pam, you know this is ridiculous, right?

389. Like, you're smarter than him. - Shh, shh, shh.

390. - This is never gonna work. - Shh, shh.

391. Remember your lines.

392. - What lines? - Go move some paper.

393. - Hey, you know that guy frank

394. Who works in the warehouse?

395. - He's not my hire, but I know who he is.

396. - Okay, what is he like?

397. Does he have, like, a favorite pair of boots

398. Or a lunchbox?

399. - What, is he retiring?

400. You getting him a gift or something?

401. - Yeah, something like that.

402. - I know he loves his pickup truck.

403. - Oh, great, his truck.

404. - Great. Get the plate number.

405. - Okay, do you know the plate— never mind.

406. Why would you know that,

407. - So we know which truck to fill.

408. - While I got you on the phone,

409. Your husband's like a sloppy, homeless hobo.

410. Can you fix that? - Yeah.

411. I was kind of hoping you could.

412. I gotta go. Bye.

413. Come on.

414. - Hold on a second.

415. Sundeep, let's get you closer

416. To the senator.

417. Just about there. Great.

418. And, oscar, I'm gonna need you

419. To step a little closer to the senator as well.

420. Somewhere there. - He's blocking me.

421. - It's only a photo, honey.

422. - Excuse me. What's your name?

423. - Shawn. - Lashawn, great.

424. You want to be in a photo? Right this way.

425. Not you. No. - He put me here.

426. - He put you right in front of me?

427. - He placed me there. He did. He placed me here.

428. - Let's just wheel margaret

429. Right in front— - ow!

430. - Here. - Robert.

431. - Smile.

432. - I'm done. What are you...

433. Is that supposed to be my mural?

434. - Yeah, frank draws a butt on your mural.

435. I'm drawing your mural on frank's truck's butt.

436. Eye for an eye, mamacita.

437. - Aw, dwight, that's really sweet.

438. - Let's see yours. - Oh, no.

439. I'm embarrassed. It's stupid.

440. - This is amazing!

441. Frank, and he's leaving a trail of poops?

442. - Yeah. - And he has saggy boobs.

443. - I saw that. It's great.

444. - I feel better.

445. - Good.

446. I'm glad you feel better.

447. This has been a wonderful day.

448. I have to say,

449. I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch.

450. - I know.

451. You miss angela, don't you?

452. - Ugh, don't sympathize.

453. You're ruining the mood. Back to work.

454. Draw his penis.

455. - I got back at frank in the most fitting way possible.

456. With my art.

457. You know, the paints are water-based.

458. It's gonna come off with a hose.

459. But I think the lesson will last—

460. - Lady, my truck?

461. You had no right.

462. - No, you had no right!

463. - It's a $40,000 truck.

464. - So? You started it.

465. - So? So somebody needs to shut you up.

466. - Hey, hey, hey. - Whoa.

467. - Easy. - Son of a bitch.

468. - Guys? - You're gonna hit a woman?

469. - Thanks so much for coming.

470. Thank you so much.

471. Well...

472. Have we all calmed down yet?

473. - Yes. Sorry about that.

474. - It was all my fault.

475. - Let's all try to do better next time.

476. Kevin, great to see you.

477. - Thank you for the food.

478. And also you suck.

479. - I beg your pardon.

480. - You're, like, a terrible person.

481. These guys care about you,

482. And you're just using them.

483. Again, the food was very good.

484. - Well, I'm gonna say something to the producers.

485. - No, no, it's— - you shouldn't be fired.

486. I mean, you were just protecting me.

487. - It's all good. I knew what I was doing.

488. I mean, because you put so much into that.

489. - Oh, no, forget about my mural. It's stupid.

490. - No, you worked hard on that.

491. I'm glad they're firing him too.

492. - It's crazy.

493. Brian, I'm so sorry.

494. - Look, I don't—I don't want to put myself where I don't belong.

495. If you ever need me, you just call me,

496. And I'll be there for you.

497. - Thanks, brian.

498. - See ya.

499. - Wow, this whole philly thing has been so much fun

500. That I may have lost sight of what really matters.

501. I mean, having fun is not nearly as important

502. As being good to the people you really care about.

503. I mean, that's just roommates 101.

504. - Oh, come on. - Oh.

505. - Uh. - Oh!

506. - Damn.

507. - You wins.

508. How good did that feel?

509. - That felt really good actually.