The Office 8x9

Directed by Charlie Grandy

Zach Woods as Gabe Lewis • Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer

Robert California brings his wife into the office for a job, and tells Andy behind her back not to give her one which turns disastrous. Meanwhile, Dwight opens a gym in the building and tries to get Darryl to join it.

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1. Oops. A little help

2. Wow, your hair is really thinning

3. Standing is proven to be healthier, increases productivity

4. and just looks cooler

5. Picture someone doing something heroic

6. Now, was he sitting or standing?

7. Not counting FDR

8. Every second you sit there is an hour off your life

9. Look at all of you

10. I feel like you're in a suicide cult

11. No, no, no. You're way off on that one.

12. Are you really comfortable standing there?

13. I tried one of those, and I just couldn't find the sweet spot

14. Hey, guys, let's just all admit it, okay? Dwight's better than us

15. He had the guts to stop sitting,

16. and he's never, ever gonna go back on it, right?

17. That's right, Jim

18. Hey, man Hey

19. Taking a load off, huh?

20. No. Putting a load on, more like

21. Good luck with that

22. Last thing I need is luck

23. Thank you so much

24. What are you up to? Oh, look out

25. Just... What are you doing?

26. Think fast. Ha ha

27. Give that back Come on. Prank

28. That's real creative

29. You know what you're right It's not my best

30. 'Cause you could easily just bend over

31. and pick that up right?

32. I could. I just don't feel like it, loser

33. Because you're sitting? Standing

34. Okay. Don't

35. Because you're sitting? Standing

36. You know I have to do this

37. I know

38. Whoa

39. Andrew Baines Bernard

40. I think you could just do Andy Bernard

41. Andrew Baines Bernard I love filling

42. these out 'cause it's like Oh, I'm taking a test

43. but I know the answers

44. In four seconds, my wife is going to be coming through that door

45. I told her she could work here

46. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen

47. There you are, honey

48. How on earth did you miss the elevator?

49. What was that?

50. I don't know. He wasn't talking to me

51. But if I were you, I wouldn't hire his wife

52. That's why my foundation

53. the Dream For A Wish Foundation

54. is gonna put them out of business.

55. They're not gonna know what hit them

56. Everyone, I'd like to introduce my wife

57. Mrs. Robert California

58. Mrs. California this is everyone

59. Hello. Hi

60. Welcome. Call me Susan, please

61. Last night at dinner, Susan and I were talking

62. about her returning to work.

63. So she's here today to see if there's a good fit

64. Something tells me it just might work out

65. This is Andy Bernard, the regional manager

66. Hello. Nice to meet you

67. Hey there. It's a pleasure. Welcome

68. Thank you

69. Andy, would you be so kind

70. as to show Susan around the office,

71. introduce her to various departments

72. find a place where she'll shine?

73. I would love to, but I have to be

74. completely honest with you guys.

75. We're 100% staffed up

76. Andy, let's see if there's a good fit first then we'll talk

77. All right.

78. Knock, knock, knock Knock, knock, knock

79. You don't have to say it if you're doing it

80. Remember how you said

81. that you were looking for a place in the office

82. to do calisthenics and aerobics?

83. Ah, weightlifting, yeah

84. Well, today's your lucky day

85. I have opened in this very office building

86. Dwight Schrute's Gym for Muscles

87. Want to take a look? I'll take a look

88. Your path from obesity begins right here

89. I've been meaning to join a gym For my health.

90. I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black president.

91. I didn't realize how easy that would be.

92. So now I want to live long enough

93. to see a really, really gay president

94. or a supermodel president.

95. all the different kinds of presidents

96. Obese people in my office building are a drain on resources

97. Chairs wear out faster

98. It takes more freon to keep them cool

99. They flush the toilets more often

100. Plus, their massive BMs bust the rivets on my pipes

101. But a gym turns fat into cash.

102. All right, the DM Express is pulling out

103. All right, well it was really nice to meet you, Brian

104. Ah, it's actually Ryan

105. Oh, Ryan. Yeah

106. Bitch

107. We will start here at Erinville

108. Hi

109. Reception

110. Your classic one-man operation

111. Although, I was watching a movie

112. and Meryl Streep had two secretaries

113. I was watching a movie and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco

114. Just saying

115. Two secretaries could convey a sense of importance

116. and success to our clients

117. Certainly worth exploring. Wouldn't you agree, Andy?

118. I'll explore exploring it - Good

119. Seems like you have this under control,

120. so I'll just duck out and run the company for a while.

121. Okay

122. Okay, next stop on the tour, sales

123. Here we go Station stop Jim Halpert.

124. Oh, boy, our resident truth teller Uh

125. All right, have at it Let her rip.

126. What do you hate about this place?

127. Well, it's sales, so you have to be able

128. to live in the world of rejection

129. Maybe you do

130. Hi, I'm Dwight

131. Sales is really not so hard, okay It's paper

132. We have it, and they want it so bad

133. they are willing to pay for it

134. Jim?

135. Well, it's not that easy

136. It's kind of sometimes difficult

137. It's the second-easiest job in the world

138. Being a mom I love shopping.

139. And sales is just the other side of that

140. That's true

141. You know, if you joined our sales department

142. you would be working very closely with our

143. department head, Mr. Dwight Schrute

144. That's me

145. Dwight, why don't you tell Susan about some of your hobbies

146. Oh Mmm-hmm Survival skills.

147. Ranking of animals

148. Maybe over a beer

149. after she's closed her first sale.

150. Well, make that a red wine and I'll tell you my animal rankings

151. How am I supposed to pull this off?

152. The entire office is being nicer to her than they've ever been to me.

153. What I wouldn't give for one of Phyllis'

154. classic room-clearing farts right now.

155. Ready?

156. What do you think? Huh?

157. Umm, no

158. No. This is not a gym

159. This is like a scene out of Saw V.

160. You haven't even looked around yet

161. Look

162. Gravel bucket squat yoke

163. Right?

164. Hmm

165. Dedicated phone book ripping station

166. You ever cut tin before? No

167. Five yards in and your forearms will be on fire

168. Plus, I will buy the tin back from you

169. that you cut for two cents a yard

170. Now, let's go over membership

171. I'm gonna need the first month's

172. and the last month's up front for $49 a month

173. But every third month is $59 a month

174. But the fourth month is a discount month at $19 per month.

175. Obviously, you know how a gym works.

176. So you know I'm not gonna pay money for this

177. You want people to come to your gym?

178. Make a real gym

179. Darryl

180. Make a real gym

181. accounting might be a good fit

182. because I really clicked with Oscar

183. and I do have some experience with bookkeeping

184. But we already have a surplus of accountants as it is

185. customer service um, HR, even.

186. Those are fully staffed as well

187. Are you telling me that there's no one in this entire office

188. that could use an extra pair of hands?

189. Yes

190. I am the CEO, and I am telling an employee of mine what to do.

191. Let me beat around the bush for a second

192. Our chairman of the board has some very strong feelings

193. Robert, it's all right. This is very uncomfortable

194. Obviously, there's no place for me here, so thank you for trying

195. Why don't we just let it go?

196. No. Absolutely not

197. Andrew, there must be something you can do.

198. There must be. Think

199. Well, there are a lot of considerations

200. It's not a bad thing to have the CEO owe you one

201. All right Well, then, welcome aboard

202. So what happens next?

203. We get you over to HR and then get you set up with accounting.

204. Hang on

205. Hello? - Say "hello, grandma."

206. Hi, gam-gam

207. Hold one finger up to Susan. You'll just be a second.

208. You numbskull!

209. You were given a very simple task.

210. more clear with you.

211. Now say, "Are you taking your medicine?"

212. Are you taking your med-meds?

213. Why can you not say exactly what I tell you?

214. Undo this. Undo it.

215. You didn't say good-bye to your grandmother.

216. We promised we'd never say good-bye

217. Attention! I am now accepting memberships

218. for the Dwight Schrute Gym for Muscles

219. First 20 members can take advantage

220. of our "pay what you weigh" promotion

221. All I need is another gym.

222. As if I don't have enough drama

223. We have a gym at home It's called the bedroom.

224. Who's spotting who?

225. "Don't use the bike in the corner,

226. "that's Bruce's. Jeremy says...'

227. Enough. Oscar, enough

228. Kelly? I have these sneakers

229. which are basically just like a gym for your feet, so...

230. That's okay. I know how to build a business

231. You gotta bet the black people to do it

232. to get the white people to do it.

233. Then you gotta get the black people to stop doing it.

234. One step at a time

235. Did you bring your passport with you?

236. Who walks around with their passport?

237. Well, I do

238. Always ready for adventure

239. Have you had any?

240. No

241. Hey, guys

242. So Robert doesn't want his wife working here.

243. So now that she is, we have to drive her away

244. Andy, if he didn't want her working here, then why did you hire her?

245. Oscar, it was a mistake

246. But one that can be fixed by all of us being mean to her.

247. How can we do that? She's simply wonderful

248. This is all pathetic

249. How mean are we talking about?

250. It would be great if she were gone by lunch

251. Erin, you're up. Find her a place to work but not too comfortable

252. Got it. I know exactly which stapler to give her.

253. Here you go

254. Um, do you think it would be possible

255. to move to that desk over there?

256. Because this seems a bit cramped, and I don't have a computer

257. Well, that's a sales desk

258. Yeah. You need to be over here with us accountants

259. Just sit here and be quiet

260. And if you have a question just raise your hand

261. But I'm gonna save you some time, sweetie, and give you the answer now

262. No, I don't think we should be trying

263. to make this place seem unpleasant.

264. I think we should let this place

265. just crush her spirit by itself

266. what it's doing

267. That's Gerald

268. Oh, wow. So cute

269. Oh, that is so cute

270. Oh, he's so tiny Is he in a ladle?

271. Yeah, he's in a ladle

272. That's adorable How on earth did you get him in a ladle?

273. He did it himself

274. Is that ladle stainless or

275. Oh, stainless Williams Sonoma

276. Excuse me, waiter there's a dog in my soup

277. It's not that kind of ladle

278. Very cute Let me see.

279. Just the battery on these things

280. I'm sorry, I've gotta recharge this

281. Last time I had a job

282. I remember I hated the boss' wife

283. Of course, she was married to Robert.

284. Your employees don't seem to be taking to me.

285. Andy

286. Andy, could you step in here, please?

287. We'll fix this

288. What is going on?

289. Please

290. Ah, Andrew, my wife

291. has brought up an issue that requires your attention

292. So, if you'll excuse me I should step out,

293. get to the ATM before that homeless man sets up camp for the night

294. Okey-dokey, artichokey

295. You hate it, don't you?

296. Do you not want me here?

297. Why would you say that? It's okay.

298. I understand I'm not sure how I would fee

299. about having the boss' wife work for me either

300. It's not that exactly

301. But it is something

302. Let's just say that if you don't want to work here

303. I am totally prepared to respect that

304. Why would you not want me working here?

305. I don't know

306. what you're going through

307. My husband can be a very difficult man to read, can't he?

308. Yes

309. The dude is an enigma

310. So he is mixed up in this, isn't he?

311. Got it

312. What do you think you're doing?

313. Getting my sweat on

314. I build you this temple to the human body

315. and you're lifting what, five pounds?

316. I just did, like, 35 minutes on the treadmill

317. I was watching you. You want to know how long it really was?

318. No Eight minutes!

319. Dude, I'm gonna be here all week, right?

320. Five days a week. I figure I'll start slow

321. Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings?

322. I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym

323. I'm gonna make you look like Lebron James

324. It's Lejon Brames

325. That's what I said. Yeah

326. Get it right I know.

327. Cameras

328. Still here. Terrific

329. Andy and I had a great conversation

330. And I just want to let you know

331. that I am not going to be working here

332. Well, that's a shame

333. It just was one of those things... Is it?

334. Because we talked about it

335. and it seems like that might be what you want.

336. Which is fine Where did this come from?

337. Did Andy say that?

338. No, he did not

339. But I could tell he was struggling

340. to understand what was expected of him

341. What's the struggle? He made a great call hired a great person

342. You sure about that?

343. Absolutely. No games?

344. No games

345. Because Andy seemed to think there was some information

346. he was not able to share with me

347. Enough of this I mean, real Enough

348. It's gotten way out of hand Andrew, this is my wife

349. Whatever privacy you were trying to protect between us, I thank you for

350. But it is not welcome right now

351. Just be honest

352. Andy Yes

353. Why do you keep looking at my husband?

354. Andy, just answer the question.

355. No games?

356. No games

357. Okay

358. of funny, actually.

359. Robert storms in and he says

360. "In four seconds my wife's gonna be in here

361. "I told her she could work here

362. "Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen."

363. You lying son of a bitch

364. Tell my wife you're lying

365. That's not true, is it?

366. No, it's not

367. I tell the truth most of the time

368. and I was just telling the truth about your husband

369. Jim knows. He was there

370. This is preposterous

371. Robert Let's get Jim in here.

372. Where's Jim?

373. He just rolled out and crawled out

374. Can you call security tell them to keep an eye out for him?

375. Time to settle this

376. Wait, wait, wait Hold on, hold on

377. Just real quick. Real quick, open... Okay

378. That's weird

379. Well, he's gotta be around here somewhere

380. Ow! Ow

381. Ow

382. Creed, I was never here, all right?

383. Okay. What about your friend?

384. Oh, boy

385. This is my gym, my rules You do exactly as I say no questions asked

386. Yeah, I'm gonna ask questions,

387. and I might not do what you say

388. First thing, we're gonna stretch the pelvic bowl

389. Ready? Get down on the floor

390. Okay, I'm not doing that

391. Really?

392. Too embarrassing for you? Huh?

393. You wish that every exercise was strutting around the gym like the Fonz?

394. Well, how do you think the Fonz got so cool?

395. He stretched his pelvic bowl

396. Darryl joined

397. Looks that way

398. Nice pelvic bowl. Deep

399. Hello, Jim

400. No, no. No, no, no

401. Don't. Damn it, Tuna

402. So, I think you know what we want to know

403. Do l? Yes

404. I know. I do

405. Jim, I've had enough of your unhelpfulness

406. I'm not really sure how I can

407. For God's sake, did Robert tell you

408. that he didn't want me working here?

409. That's the thing

410. See, I didn't want to get in the middle of this Still don't.

411. But here's something

412. I feel that maybe, if we take a step back

413. this is a simple case of anxiety to work with a spouse

414. I think we've got ourselves an answer

415. No That makes complete sense, right?

416. Thank you all for a wonderful day Perfect!

417. Jim Yes?

418. Answer the question please.

419. want me to tell you.

420. To be really honest, my wife works here

421. And I love it

422. She literally makes me work harder

423. She makes me smarter. She makes me remember why I'm here

424. And between us she's on maternity leave right now

425. and I would love to leave this room and see her face

426. but it's just what I'm thinking

427. All right. Thanks

428. Yes. All right

429. Uh.

430. Yeah

431. Thank you

432. Andy

433. Hey, Mrs. California

434. Hey. I'm sorry about the position you were put in today.

435. You know, honestly we all wanted you to work there

436. Except for him Especially me

437. Yes, I thought we really hit it off.

438. Yeah

439. Well, different circumstances

440. Yeah

441. Who knows? Who knows?

442. Maybe after all this settles down

443. Totally

444. It's a date

445. Hmm?

446. You're nothing! You're so weak

447. You call yourself a man? Huh?

448. This doesn't help me I don't respond to that kind of strategy.

449. Okay, fine

450. Finish your set on your own and never come back to my gym again!

451. Dwight, come back and spot me

452. All right, I'll help you

453. But first, you gotta tell me what your goal is

454. What do you want?

455. To push this bar up

456. No! Because if that was the case, the bar would be up by now

457. What is your goal?

458. Help me

459. What do you want?

460. To look good for Val

461. Val Kilmer?

462. I don't buy it that doesn't make any sense

463. Wow

464. I figured out your goal

465. I am gonna make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen