The Office 8x7

Directed by Matt Sohn

Zach Woods as Gabe Lewis • Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer

Pam trains an attractive temporary worker to take her place while she is on maternity leave, and enlists Dwight's support when she tries to show that Jim finds her replacement attractive. Meanwhile, Robert California surprises Andy, Kevin, and Darryl when he requests to join their band.

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1. Erin, hey

2. In two minutes, I want you to come into this meeting

3. and tell me that I have a really important phone call

4. I'm not going to take it

5. because I want him to know how important the meeting is to me

6. Who's calling? Nobody

7. Just say that I'm... Just make it up that I have a phone call

8. And then I'm going to refuse to take it

9. You're not going to take it?

10. Just make up a phone call.

11. It's not a real call

12. Just make it up

13. Oh, okay. And then come in and tell me.

14. Okay

15. It doesn't matter what it is.

16. You're not going to get it, though.

17. I'm not going to take it.

18. And then he's going to be like

19. "Wow, this is a really important meeting."

20. Copy that. Okay

21. Okay, so

22. tell me exactly what kind of deal

23. you are getting right now and I'll tell you how we can beat it

24. Well, we've been going with

25. Andy?

26. Yeah?

27. You have a very important call

28. I'm sorry, I'm with a very important client It'll have to wait

29. Are you sure? It's really, really important

30. There is nothing more important to me right now than this meeting

31. Really? Because your mother is dead

32. Oh, my God

33. I don't think she's dead

34. She's dead. She was hit by a bus

35. She's not dead This is exactly

36. the kind of thing my mom pulls

37. This isn't one of those times It's the police

38. They said it's the worst they've ever seen

39. Andy, I'm really sorry about your mother

40. My deepest condolences

41. You must take this call. It's...

42. Yeah, line one?

43. Line two

44. Okay

45. Hi It's Darryl.

46. Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died.

47. Oh

48. Gosh

49. Dude. Thank you, Officer

50. Look, man, this is a bad idea.

51. Did she have any last words or

52. Really? That is messed up, man.

53. Make sure that your client gets the best deal possible

54. You're a bad man, Andy Bernard.

55. That is so Mom That stuff can come back and get you.

56. It's called karma. You do not want to be messing...

57. All right but thank you, Officer

58. I've got an uncle...

59. Erin, please hold all my other calls

60. Where were we?

61. Hey, Cathy Hi

62. How's it going? Everything make sense?

63. I think everything is under control.

64. Great You should sit down.

65. No, I'm fine

66. No, I should go fill out my paperwork

67. Okay

68. That was just me Pregnant Pam

69. And I make sounds much worse than this

70. We know

71. I'm training a temp to be my replacement while I'm on maternity leave

72. I should have mentioned I'm pregnant

73. You probably didn't notice because

74. it's impossible to tell because I'm so small

75. But yeah, I'm pregnant

76. Oh, come on

77. Hey. Asking for a friend

78. do you happen to know if that new girl is single?

79. Doubt it

80. Yeah. Me, too

81. You doubt it?

82. What's that?

83. Why do you doubt that she's single?

84. Honestly, I have no idea I just figured we'd save her from Ryan, right?

85. What are you doing with my lunch?

86. I'm delivering it from the fridge

87. It's like a porno. "Hey, did anybody order a pizza?'

88. It's not pizza

89. Yeah, and we're not about to make love.

90. I just thought maybe you'd want

91. to eat lunch at your desk today

92. so that during lunch we could go down

93. to the warehouse and bang out a few tunes

94. I like the sound of that Is Kevin here?

95. You tell me

96. So word on the street is she has a boyfriend

97. Well, he's probably a drug dealer

98. That's the best way to land a hot girlfriend.

99. You just You get her hooked on blow

100. It's going to be nice to have just like a

101. healthy, young, fit presence in the middle of the office.

102. Yes, aesthetically speaking, strictly

103. Yeah

104. She adds a nice presence Good energy.

105. Yeah, it's going to be nice to have

106. someone hot at Pam's desk, huh?

107. No, no. Not even

108. I'm kidding

109. Oh, my gosh, you guys She's obviously super cute. I get it.

110. But I'd like to point out there is 50 pounds

111. more of me to love if that's your thing

112. Pam, you look more beautiful now than ever

113. Radiant

114. Thank you, guys. Really, thank you very sweet.

115. Yeah, you have this sexy glow.

116. Well, it's one of the most common fetishes

117. Really? Well, thank you all

118. You know, it's not just pregnant women who don't get their due

119. You know who's gorgeous?

120. Helen Mirren Yes

121. Yes, have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing

122. What would be the hottest thing ever is a pregnant Helen Mirren

123. Ooh

124. Okay, okay. (WHISTLES) Okay, no, no, no.

125. This is disgusting. Do you realize what you're saying?

126. The hottest thing ever would be a 66-year-old pregnant woman?

127. In this case, yes No

128. There are universal biological standards of beauty and attraction

129. And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them

130. to mollycoddle a pregnant woman

131. No, we're not. No

132. Yes, you are

133. And another thing Helen Mirren was born Helen Mironoff

134. That's right, you're fake salivating over a Soviet-era Russian

135. Nice scatting, man

136. Thank you. I think I said "doop" instead of "boop" at one point

137. Not bad, fellas. You're better than you look

138. Hey, screw you

139. Hey, Robert. Are we meeting early?

140. Just taking a stroll

141. What exactly have I stumbled upon here?

142. Well, we're all musicians and we play together sometimes.

143. You're a band?

144. Thank you

145. We're called Kevin and the Zits

146. That was never agreed upon

147. I miss being in a band

148. Miss no more What do you play? Join us

149. I have a tambourine

150. Tambourine? You know I'm the CEO, right?

151. CEOs don't play tambourines Tambourines are for girlfriends.

152. I play harmonica. I think I have one in the car

153. Great Nice.

154. Guys, Robert is going to be a zit.

155. Again, never agreed upon

156. I had totally given up on hanging out with Robert California

157. and now he wants to be in our band

158. And when you're in a rock and roll band

159. with somebody, you're bonded for life

160. Usually that life is short and tragic

161. That's okay, right?

162. Yeah, even cooler

163. We all got to go sometime

164. Hey Hey

165. Helen Mirren. Hot?

166. Yeah. Super pretty

167. Huh

168. What about Cathy?

169. The temp?

170. Yeah, do you think she's hot? Nope

171. I'm not asking if you're into her

172. Just objectively, do you find her attractive?

173. I'm telling you I don't

174. You don't find Cathy attractive?

175. No, I don't

176. No, I'm not going to tell my nine months pregnant wife

177. that I find her replacement objectively attractive.

178. Just like I'm not going to tell my 2-year-old daughter

179. that violent video games are objectively more fun

180. It's true but it doesn't help anybody

181. Look at her

182. Even I want some fries with that shake

183. Okay. I don't. So are we good?

184. That's just absurd

185. Yes, because she's hot, right?

186. Her breasts are large her waist is small,

187. her reproductive health in ample evidence.

188. Facial symmetry, come on

189. The thing about pregnancy is people treat you differently.

190. Like you're a kid, almost.

191. They lose all sense of boundaries.

192. They start acting weird, telling you things that clearly aren't true.

193. I know it sounds nuts but I think Dwight

194. is the only one who's telling me the truth.

195. Dwight, am I hot right now?

196. Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now?

197. I can't impregnate you and that's the driving

198. force between male-female attraction

199. What about before? Was I attractive before?

200. Eh.

201. You were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight gradual decline.

202. And a steep drop off when you got pregnant for the first time.

203. Gradual recovery and

204. Well, now obviously you're at an all-time low

205. Hmm

206. I think Jim's lying to me about not being attracted to Cathy

207. You think Jim's lying? (LAUGHS) That's so cute

208. I know he's lying

209. 5 bucks if you can get him to admit it

210. Done

211. I never touch a pregnant woman

212. Yeah, that's the Dwight I need

213. If we're going to work together, we need some ground rules

214. Okay

215. Rule one, our only loyalty is to the truth

216. I think so. Okay

217. Rule two, we stop at nothing

218. What is that... Is it... Well, okay

219. Rule three

220. Don't fall in love

221. Yup. Good

222. We're going to bust this guy

223. Honesty is very important to me

224. So important And then we will destroy the man himself

225. Let's just see how we fee when we get there.

226. Well, you came to the right person.

227. You have to follow your intuition, Pam

228. You don't want to end up like Elin Nordegren

229. Actually, what am I saying? You wish you had her life. No offense, Pam.

230. None taken What have you got?

231. It is called the Matchmaker Test and it is very powerful

232. Basically, we have Pam ask Jim which

233. of his friends he would set up with Cathy

234. If Jim picks a really hot friend

235. then we know he thinks that Cathy's hot

236. Hmm

237. Hey, you found us

238. You guys sound great, man.

239. Darryl, Andy, Kevin, this is Curtis Dorough local musician,

240. and the officiate at my wedding.

241. Local musician?

242. Local legend. I used to come hear you

243. play every week at the Deerhead

244. Dude, you're on TV

245. You're the sportscaster on Channel Seven.

246. Go, Eagles

247. You do that on TV

248. You guys mind if they join us?

249. No. Yeah, sure

250. Guys, I've got some instruments right here

251. Hey, why don't you and me play those?

252. Yeah?

253. Okay, this is awesome

254. What shall we play?

255. Maybe we should warm up with some scales?

256. Midnight Rambler? Yeah.

257. Midnight what?

258. Have you heard about the midnight rambler?

259. Hey, this is crazy

260. Hey, I was talking to Cathy Turns out she is single.

261. Oh, I stand corrected

262. I thought it might be fun to set her up with someone

263. Any ideas?

264. Oh. You know who might be good? Mike Tibbets.

265. Mike Tibbets, really?

266. Hey, who's this Mike Tibbets guy?

267. What kind of car does he drive?

268. Not his mom's car

269. Yeah, because his mom's car's probably not a Nissan Z.

270. Touché?

271. Kelly, calm down

272. I mean, I guess he'd be okay with hair

273. Okay, you should see if he'll get hair plugs

274. I don't think Jim cares about his hair

275. Yeah, but I do, Pam. Okay?

276. It's called being a nice person

277. I don't see what's so ugly about him

278. He's got the broad face of a brewer

279. Jim's on to me Hmm?

280. Yeah, Jim barely talks to Mike.

281. We had to go through like two levels

282. of friends to even find his profile.

283. Jim picked someone just unattractive

284. enough to shut me up without tipping it

285. Just ugly enough to have deniability

286. Yup

287. Mike Tibbets is like the most boring looking guy I know.

288. So if that was for the Matchmaker Test, I think I'm in the clear

289. If that wasn't for the Matchmaker Test then

290. Cathy, he's a really nice guy.

291. Well, Jim may be lying with his words

292. but he can't lie with his body

293. I'm going to write something mean on his wall

294. No, Kelly, don't

295. The male reveals attraction

296. through unconscious and involuntary physical signs.

297. The puffing of the chest

298. Mirroring

299. Increased blood flow to the crotch

300. I say we start there

301. With the crotch? With the crotch?

302. With the crotch

303. Whoo

304. Psst

305. We're not here. Who said that?

306. Exactly

307. How'd I get this long triangle?

308. Okay, just shut up

309. Is he puffing out his chest?

310. I can't tell. It's unnaturally sunken

311. Busted. He just was mirroring. Did you see that?

312. No. Maybe he just said something funny

313. Jim has no discernible sense of humour, Pam. You should know that.

314. I think he's just making her laugh

315. Time for me to find out

316. Why is he making her laugh so much?

317. Just going to walk over here. Whoa

318. I'm slipping and falling! I'm stumbling. I need something to grab onto

319. Hey, are you okay? I'm fine

320. Dwight! Dwight I'm totally fine

321. Yes?

322. What? Jim?

323. Sorry about that

324. Cramp. I'm just Dwight

325. Why?

326. (GASPS) I'm sorry, I fell down, Mr. Balance

327. Leave

328. Does your husband ever have soft erections?

329. Because if not I just grabbed a very soft penis for nothing

330. Why was he making her laugh so much?

331. Hey, I'll just be a second

332. Yeah, take your time Okay.

333. That line from Zoolander. Mmm-hmm?

334. It was from a deleted scene so we were both right

335. Told you

336. Do I hand in my expense reports

337. to a particular accountant or

338. Oscar, Cathy has a question

339. Sorry, I'll just go ask Oscar

340. Yeah? You okay?

341. Why won't you just admit that she's attractive?

342. It's kind of annoying that you won't say it

343. Okay, what can I do to make you believe me?

344. Well, Dwight had this idea and I thought it was kind of crazy

345. but maybe that's where we are now

346. She called it crazy? Man

347. That's insulting All I did was

348. propose a makeshift lie detector test.

349. Monitoring his blood pressure, pulse

350. perspiration and breathing rate.

351. Yeah, it's nuts But I don't know what else to do

352. And she called it nuts?

353. Seriously, that was hot

354. Feel like you and the newsman had a groove going

355. Did you know that Lisa toured with Chaka Khan?

356. Are you serious?

357. From Star Trek?

358. Hey, you caught some of that?

359. I caught it

360. What, you don't like the Blues?

361. I might enjoy seeing you guys play the Blues

362. Well, we are playing

363. We're all playing together. These are our jam buddies

364. It's a jam session We go where the music takes us

365. I think the music left without you.

366. Come on Stop shoving me

367. "Stop shoving me Stop grabbing my penis.' Grow up.

368. Take off your jacket and take a seat.

369. When it lies, the human body exhibits many telltale signs.

370. Really? This could all go away

371. if you just tell me the truth

372. Are you all in line?

373. Why don't you go check out the sympathy cards, old man?

374. Now I'm going to ask you just a few simple questions

375. Wait for this to constrict. Here we go

376. Is your name Jim Halpert?

377. Sì.

378. Wait, that's it? That's the question you're going to ask him?

379. We have to start with a baseline question

380. to establish what the truth is

381. You have to share the machine with others

382. Well, that's what they taught me

383. in my 19th century kindergarten

384. Okay, Dwight, come on You can go first.

385. Jim, are you serious?

386. You know what? This reminds me, Cece needs a new toothbrush

387. Maybe we could switch instruments

388. Yeah

389. 'Cause my body's starting to get bruised

390. Yeah, maybe everyone move one instrument to the right.

391. We had to leave because of creative differences

392. Yeah, they kind of had a specific sound

393. that didn't really fit in with our thing

394. Guys, this means they're Kevin and the Zits now

395. No, man. We are

396. Well I know, I know

397. Okay, you're done

398. I have a new heart, you know

399. Do you really Tin Man? Okay

400. Where were we?

401. No, I'm not worried.

402. Because this lie isn't for me, it's for Pam

403. And when she gets her body back and her confidence back

404. yes, I will tell her the truth.

405. That

406. I had feelings for a co-worker today that I haven't had in years

407. In my defense, he was grabbing my crotch

408. fairly aggressively at the time

409. Do you find Cathy Simms attractive?

410. No

411. Yep, he's lying

412. See. Was that so hard?

413. I am not lying

414. Really?

415. Pam, are you really going to listen to his stupid homemade test?

416. I would listen to my homemade test

417. because your husband is definitely lying

418. In fact, he's lied about every question even his name.

419. Who are you, really? Wait, what?

420. Look at the numbers. Every single time it's come up 150 over 100

421. Your husband is a pathological liar

422. Jim, you have high blood pressure

423. He is definitely attracted to her

424. Doesn't your dad have high blood pressure?

425. Yeah, but I don't smoke

426. When was the last time you went to the doctor?

427. I don't know. It's important to go every month

428. and get your prostate checked

429. You can do it at home by yourself

430. with your finger You just stick

431. Okay

432. Dwight, stop

433. I'm not kidding. I mean, I need you to take care of yourself

434. What would we do if something happened to you?

435. Okay, easy. Trust me I'm around for the long haul

436. It's not really your choice, though, is it? Death waits for no man

437. Okay

438. Come on, let's go I want to call your doctor

439. Doesn't it worry you in the slightest that Jim is not his real name?

440. Just go home it doesn't matter

441. But the

442. Hey, Cece?s toothbrush

443. Thank you

444. Ooh, baby, I love your way

445. Every day

446. Want to be with you night and day

447. And day

448. Ooh, baby, I love your way