1. Erin, hey.
Copy !req
2. In two minutes, I want you
to come into this meeting
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3. and tell me that I have a
really important phone call.
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4. I'm not going
to take it
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5. because I want him to know how
important the meeting is to me.
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6. Who's calling?
Nobody.
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7. Just say that I'm... Just make
it up that I have a phone call.
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8. And then I'm going
to refuse to take it.
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9. You're not going
to take it?
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10. Just make up
a phone call.
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11. It's not
a real call.
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12. Just make it up.
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13. Oh, okay. And then
come in and tell me.
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14. Okay.
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15. It doesn't matter
what it is.
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16. You're not going
to get it, though.
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17. I'm not going
to take it.
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18. And then he's
going to be like,
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19. "Wow, this is a really
important meeting."
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20. Copy that.
Okay.
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21. Okay, so,
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22. tell me exactly
what kind of deal
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23. you are getting right now and
I'll tell you how we can beat it.
Copy !req
24. Well, we've been
going with...
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25. Andy?
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26. Yeah?
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27. You have a very
important call.
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28. I'm sorry, I'm with a very important client.
It'll have to wait.
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29. Are you sure? It's really,
really important.
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30. There is nothing more important to
me right now than this meeting.
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31. Really? Because
your mother is dead.
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32. Oh, my God!
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33. I don't think she's dead.
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34. She's dead.
She was hit by a bus.
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35. She's not dead.
This is exactly
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36. the kind of thing
my mom pulls.
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37. This isn't one of those times.
It's the police.
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38. They said it's the worst
they've ever seen.
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39. Andy, I'm really sorry
about your mother.
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40. My deepest
condolences.
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41. You must take
this call. It's...
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42. Yeah, line one?
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43. Line two.
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44. Okay.
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45. Hi.
It's Darryl.
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46. Erin told me to pretend to be
a cop and say your mom died.
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47. Oh!
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48. Gosh.
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49. Dude.
Thank you, Officer.
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50. Look, man,
this is a bad idea.
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51. Did she have
any last words or...
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52. Really?
That is messed up, man.
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53. Make sure that your client
gets the best deal possible.
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54. You're a bad man,
Andy Bernard.
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55. That is so Mom. That stuff
can come back and get you.
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56. It's called karma. You do
not want to be messing...
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57. All right,
but thank you, Officer.
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58. I've got an uncle...
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59. Erin, please hold
all my other calls.
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60. Where were we?
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61. Hey, Cathy.
Hi.
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62. How's it going?
Everything make sense?
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63. I think everything
is under control.
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64. Great.
You should sit down.
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65. No, I'm fine.
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66. No, I should go
fill out my paperwork.
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67. Okay.
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68. That was just me.
Pregnant Pam.
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69. And I make sounds
much worse than this.
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70. We know.
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71. I'm training a temp to be my replacement
while I'm on maternity leave.
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72. I should have
mentioned I'm pregnant.
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73. You probably
didn't notice because
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74. it's impossible to tell
because I'm so small.
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75. But yeah, I'm pregnant.
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76. Oh, come on.
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77. Hey. Asking for a friend,
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78. do you happen to know
if that new girl is single?
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79. Doubt it.
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80. Yeah. Me, too.
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81. You doubt it?
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82. What's that?
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83. Why do you doubt
that she's single?
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84. Honestly, I have no idea. I just figured
we'd save her from Ryan, right?
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85. What are you
doing with my lunch?
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86. I'm delivering it
from the fridge.
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87. It's like a porno. "Hey,
did anybody order a pizza?"
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88. It's not pizza.
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89. Yeah, and we're not
about to make love.
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90. I just thought
maybe you'd want
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91. to eat lunch at
your desk today
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92. so that during lunch
we could go down
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93. to the warehouse and
bang out a few tunes.
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94. I like the sound of that.
ls Kevin here?
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95. You tell me.
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96. So word on the street
is she has a boyfriend.
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97. Well, he's probably
a drug dealer.
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98. That's the best way to
land a hot girlfriend.
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99. You just...
You get her hooked on blow.
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100. It's going to be nice
to have just like a
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101. healthy, young, fit presence
in the middle of the office.
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102. Yes, aesthetically
speaking, strictly.
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103. Yeah.
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104. - She adds a nice presence.
- Good energy.
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105. Yeah, it's going to
be nice to have
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106. someone hot at
Pam's desk, huh?
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107. No, no. Not even.
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108. I'm kidding.
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109. Oh, my gosh, you guys. She's
obviously super cute. I get it.
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110. But I'd like to point
out there is 50 pounds
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111. more of me to love,
if that's your thing.
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112. Pam, you look more
beautiful now than ever.
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113. Radiant.
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114. Thank you, guys. Really,
thank you, very sweet.
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115. Yeah, you have
this sexy glow.
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116. Well, it's one of
the most common fetishes.
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117. Really? Well,
thank you all.
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118. You know, it's not just pregnant
women who don't get their due.
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119. You know who's gorgeous?
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120. Helen Mirren.
Yes.
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121. Yes, have you seen her
in a bikini? Amazing.
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122. What would be the hottest thing
ever is a pregnant Helen Mirren.
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123. Ooh!
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124. Okay, okay.
Okay, no, no, no.
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125. This is disgusting. Do you
realize what you're saying?
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126. The hottest thing ever would be
a 66-year-old pregnant woman?
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127. In this case, yes.
No!
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128. There are universal biological
standards of beauty and attraction.
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129. And you are purposefully
celebrating the opposite of them
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130. to mollycoddle
a pregnant woman.
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131. No, we're not. No.
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132. Yes, you are.
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133. And another thing, Helen Mirren
was born Helen Mironoff.
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134. That's right, you're fake salivating
over a Soviet-era Russian.
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135. Nice scatting, man.
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136. Thank you. I think I said "doop"
instead of "boop" at one point.
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137. Not bad, fellas.
You're better than you look.
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138. Hey, screw you!
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139. Hey, Robert.
Are we meeting early?
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140. Just taking a stroll.
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141. What exactly have
I stumbled upon here?
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142. Well, we're all musicians and
we play together sometimes.
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143. You're a band?
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144. Thank you.
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145. We're called
Kevin and the Zits.
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146. That was never agreed upon.
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147. I miss being in a band.
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148. Miss no more.
What do you play? Join us.
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149. I have a tambourine.
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150. Tambourine? You know
I'm the CEO, right?
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151. CEOs don't play tambourines.
Tambourines are for girlfriends.
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152. I play harmonica. I think
I have one in the car.
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153. Great.
Nice.
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154. Guys, Robert is
going to be a zit.
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155. Again, never agreed upon.
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156. I had totally given up on hanging
out with Robert California
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157. and now he wants
to be in our band.
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158. And when you're in
a rock and roll band
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159. with somebody,
you're bonded for life.
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160. Usually that life
is short and tragic.
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161. That's okay, right?
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162. Yeah, even cooler.
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163. We all got to
go sometime.
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164. HEY
HEY
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165. Helen Mirren. Hot?
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166. Yeah. Super pretty.
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167. Huh.
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168. What about Cathy?
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169. The temp?
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170. Yeah, do you think she's hot?
Nope.
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171. I'm not asking
if you're into her.
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172. Just objectively,
do you find her attractive?
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173. I'm telling you I don't.
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174. You don't find
Cathy attractive?
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175. No, I don't.
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176. No, I'm not going to tell my
nine months pregnant wife
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177. that I find her replacement
objectively attractive.
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178. Just like I'm not going to
tell my 2-year-old daughter
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179. that violent video games
are objectively more fun.
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180. It's true, but it
doesn't help anybody.
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181. Look at her.
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182. Even I want some
fries with that shake.
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183. Okay. I don't.
So are we good?
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184. That's just absurd.
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185. Yes, because
she's hot, right?
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186. Her breasts are large,
her waist is small,
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187. her reproductive health
in ample evidence.
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188. Facial symmetry, come on.
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189. The thing about pregnancy is
people treat you differently.
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190. Like you're
a kid, almost.
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191. They lose all
sense of boundaries.
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192. They start acting weird, telling you
things that clearly aren't true.
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193. I know it sounds nuts
but I think Dwight
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194. is the only one who's
telling me the truth.
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195. Dwight, am I hot right now?
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196. Why would I or anyone else think
that you're hot right now?
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197. I can't impregnate you
and that's the driving
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198. force between
male-female attraction.
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199. What about before?
Was I attractive before?
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200. Eh...
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201. You were at your most attractive when you
were 24, with a slight gradual decline.
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202. And a steep drop off when you got
pregnant for the first time.
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203. Gradual recovery and...
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204. Well, now obviously
you're at an all-time low.
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205. Hmm.
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206. I think Jim's lying to me about
not being attracted to Cathy.
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207. You think Jim's lying?
That's so cute.
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208. I know he's lying.
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209. 5 bucks if you can
get him to admit it.
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210. Done.
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211. I never touch
a pregnant woman.
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212. Yeah, that's
the Dwight I need.
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213. If we're going to work together,
we need some ground rules.
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214. Okay.
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215. Rule one, our only
loyalty is to the truth.
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216. I think so. Okay.
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217. Rule two,
we stop at nothing.
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218. What is that...
Is it... Well, okay.
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219. Rule three.
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220. Don't fall in love.
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221. Yup. Good.
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222. We're going to
bust this guy.
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223. Honesty is very
important to me.
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224. So important. And then we
will destroy the man himself.
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225. Let's just see how we feel
when we get there.
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226. Well, you came to
the right person.
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227. You have to follow
your intuition, Pam.
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228. You don't want to end up
like Elin Nordegren.
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229. Actually, what am I saying? You wish
you had her life. No offense, Pam.
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230. None taken.
What have you got?
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231. It is called the Matchmaker
Test and it is very powerful.
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232. Basically, we have Pam
ask Jim which
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233. of his friends he would
set up with Cathy.
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234. If Jim picks
a really hot friend,
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235. then we know
he thinks that Cathy's hot.
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236. Hmm.
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237. Hey, you found us.
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238. You guys sound
great, man.
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239. Darryl, Andy, Kevin, this is
Curtis Dorough, local musician,
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240. and the officiate
at my wedding.
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241. Local musician?
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242. Local legend.
I used to come hear you
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243. play every week
at the Deerhead.
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244. Dude, you're on TV.
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245. You're the sportscaster
on Channel Seven.
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246. Go, Eagles!
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247. You do that on TV.
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248. You guys mind
if they join us?
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249. No.
Yeah, sure.
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250. Guys, I've got some
instruments right here.
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251. Hey, why don't you
and me play those?
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252. Yeah?
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253. Okay, this is awesome.
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254. What shall we play?
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255. Maybe we should warm up
with some scales?
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256. Midnight Rambler?
Yeah.
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257. Midnight what?
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258. Have you heard about
the midnight rambler?
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259. Hey, this is crazy
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260. Hey, I was talking to Cathy.
Turns out she is single.
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261. Oh, I stand corrected.
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262. I thought it might be fun
to set her up with someone.
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263. Any ideas?
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264. Oh. You know who might be good?
Mike Tibbets.
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265. Mike Tibbets, really?
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266. Hey, who's this
Mike Tibbets guy?
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267. What kind of
car does he drive?
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268. Not his mom's car.
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269. Yeah, because his mom's car's
probably not a Nissan Z.
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270. Touché?
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271. Kelly, calm down.
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272. I mean, I guess
he'd be okay with hair.
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273. Okay, you should see
if he'll get hair plugs.
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274. I don't think Jim
cares about his hair.
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275. Yeah, but I do, Pam. Okay?
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276. It's called
being a nice person.
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277. I don't see what's
so ugly about him.
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278. He's got the broad
face of a brewer.
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279. Jim's on to me.
Hmm?
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280. Yeah, Jim barely
talks to Mike.
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281. We had to go through
like two levels
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282. of friends to even
find his profile.
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283. Jim picked someone
just unattractive
Copy !req
284. enough to shut me up
without tipping it.
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285. Just ugly enough
to have deniability.
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286. Yup.
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287. Mike Tibbets is like the
most boring looking guy I know.
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288. So if that was for the Matchmaker
Test, I think I'm in the clear.
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289. If that wasn't for
the Matchmaker Test then...
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290. Cathy, he's a really
nice guy.
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291. Well, Jim may be
lying with his words,
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292. but he can't
lie with his body.
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293. I'm going to write
something mean on his wall.
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294. No, Kelly, don't.
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295. The male reveals attraction
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296. through unconscious and
involuntary physical signs.
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297. The puffing of the chest.
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298. Mirroring.
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299. Increased blood flow
to the crotch.
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300. I say we start there.
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301. With the crotch?
With the crotch?
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302. With the crotch.
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303. Whoo!
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304. Psst.
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305. We're not here.
Who said that?
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306. Exactly.
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307. How'd I get
this long triangle?
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308. Okay, just shut up.
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309. Is he puffing out his chest?
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310. I can't tell.
It's unnaturally sunken.
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311. Busted. He just was
mirroring. Did you see that?
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312. No. Maybe he just
said something funny.
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313. Jim has no discernible sense of humor, Pam.
You should know that.
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314. I think he's just
making her laugh.
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315. Time for me to find out.
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316. Why is he making
her laugh so much?
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317. Just going to
walk over here. Whoa!
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318. I'm slipping and falling! I'm stumbling.
I need something to grab onto!
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319. Hey, are you okay?
I'm fine.
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320. Dwight! Dwight!
I'm totally fine!
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321. Yes?
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322. What? Jim?
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323. Sorry about that.
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324. Cramp. I'm just...
Dwight!
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325. Why?
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326. I'm sorry,
I fell down, Mr. Balance.
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327. Leave.
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328. Does your husband
ever have soft erections?
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329. Because if not, I just grabbed
a very soft penis for nothing.
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330. Why was he making
her laugh so much?
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331. Hey, I'll just be a second.
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332. Yeah, take your time.
Okay.
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333. That line from Zoolander.
Mmm-hmm?
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334. It was from a deleted scene
so we were both right.
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335. Told you.
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336. Do I hand in
my expense reports
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337. to a particular
accountant or...
Copy !req
338. Oscar, Cathy
has a question.
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339. Sorry, I'll just
go ask Oscar.
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340. Yeah?
You okay?
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341. Why won't you just admit
that she's attractive?
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342. It's kind of annoying
that you won't say it.
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343. Okay, what can I do
to make you believe me?
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344. Well, Dwight had this idea and I
thought it was kind of crazy,
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345. but maybe that's
where we are now.
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346. She called it crazy? Man.
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347. That's insulting.
All I did was
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348. propose a makeshift
lie detector test.
Copy !req
349. Monitoring his
blood pressure, pulse,
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350. perspiration and
breathing rate.
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351. Yeah, it's nuts. But I don't
know what else to do.
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352. And she called it nuts?
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353. Seriously,
that was hot.
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354. Feel like you and the
newsman had a groove going.
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355. Did you know that Lisa
toured with Chaka Khan?
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356. Are you serious?
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357. From Star Trek?
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358. Hey, you caught
some of that?
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359. I caught it.
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360. What, you don't like the Blues?
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361. I might enjoy seeing
you guys play the Blues.
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362. Well, we are playing.
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363. We're all playing together.
These are our jam buddies.
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364. It's a jam session. We go
where the music takes us.
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365. I think the music
left without you.
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366. Come on.
Stop shoving me.
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367. "Stop shoving me. Stop
grabbing my penis." Grow up.
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368. Take off your jacket
and take a seat.
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369. When it lies, the human body
exhibits many telltale signs.
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370. Really?
This could all go away
Copy !req
371. if you just
tell me the truth.
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372. Are you all in line?
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373. Why don't you go check out
the sympathy cards, old man?
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374. Now I'm going to ask you
just a few simple questions.
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375. Wait for this to
constrict. Here we go.
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376. Is your name Jim Halpert?
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377. Si.
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378. Wait, that's it? That's the
question you're going to ask him?
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379. We have to start
with a baseline question
Copy !req
380. to establish
what the truth is.
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381. You have to share
the machine with others.
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382. Well, that's
what they taught me
Copy !req
383. in my 19th
century kindergarten.
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384. Okay, Dwight, come on.
You can go first.
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385. Jim, are you serious?
Copy !req
386. You know what? This reminds me,
Cece needs a new toothbrush.
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387. Maybe we could
switch instruments.
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388. Yeah.
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389. 'Cause my body's
starting to get bruised.
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390. Yeah, maybe everyone move one
instrument to the right.
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391. We had to leave because
of creative differences.
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392. Yeah, they kind of
had a specific sound
Copy !req
393. that didn't really
fit in with our thing.
Copy !req
394. Guys, this means they're
Kevin and the Zits now.
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395. No, man. We are.
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396. Well...
I know, I know.
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397. Okay, you're done.
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398. I have a new
heart, you know.
Copy !req
399. Do you really,
Tin Man? Okay.
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400. Where were we?
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401. No, I'm not worried.
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402. Because this lie isn't
for me, it's for Pam.
Copy !req
403. And when she gets her body
back and her confidence back,
Copy !req
404. yes, I will tell
her the truth.
Copy !req
405. That...
Copy !req
406. I had feelings for a co-worker
today that I haven't had in years.
Copy !req
407. In my defense,
he was grabbing my crotch
Copy !req
408. fairly aggressively
at the time.
Copy !req
409. Do you find
Cathy Simms attractive?
Copy !req
410. No.
Copy !req
411. Yep, he's lying-
Copy !req
412. See. Was that so hard?
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413. I am not lying.
Copy !req
414. Really?
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415. Pam, are you really going to listen
to his stupid homemade test?
Copy !req
416. I would listen to
my homemade test
Copy !req
417. because your husband
is definitely lying.
Copy !req
418. In fact, he's lied about every
question, even his name.
Copy !req
419. Who are you, really?
Wait, what?
Copy !req
420. Look at the numbers. Every single
time it's come up 150 over 100.
Copy !req
421. Your husband is
a pathological liar.
Copy !req
422. Jim, you have
high blood pressure.
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423. He is definitely
attracted to her.
Copy !req
424. Doesn't your dad have
high blood pressure?
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425. Yeah, but I don't smoke.
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426. When was the last time
you went to the doctor?
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427. I don't know. It's important
to go every month
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428. and get your
prostate checked.
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429. You can do it at
home by yourself
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430. with your finger.
You just stick...
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431. Okay.
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432. Dwight, stop.
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433. I'm not kidding. I mean, I need
you to take care of yourself.
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434. What would we do if
something happened to you?
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435. Okay, easy. Trust me.
I'm around for the long haul.
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436. It's not really your choice, though, is it?
Death waits for no man.
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437. Okay.
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438. Come on, let's go.
I want to call your doctor.
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439. Doesn't it worry you in the slightest
that Jim is not his real name?
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440. Just go home,
it doesn't matter.
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441. But the...
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442. Hey, Cece's toothbrush.
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443. Thank you.
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444. Ooh,
baby, I love your way
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445. Every day
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446. Want to be
with you night and day
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447. And day
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448. Ooh, baby, I love your way
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