The Office 8x6

Directed by Troy Miller

Zach Woods as Gabe Lewis • Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer

Dwight installs a Doomsday device that will fire all of the employees and effectively close down the branch if they make too many mistakes. Meanwhile, Gabe attempts to court the new warehouse worker, Val.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hey, everybody! It's closing time

2. You don't gotta go home but you can't stay here.

3. Closing time!

4. Every office needs an end-of-the-day tradition

5. Something to tell you the day's over.

6. Otherwise, you go home and the night just feels like more day.

7. it's weird

8. Closing time!

9. W, R, K

10. One last call for alcohol so...

11. No, it's W, R, K as in kitten?

12. so finish your whiskey or beer!

13. Oh, my boss is singing Closing Time,

14. maybe that's what you're hearing

15. Come on, Pam

16. Closing time!

17. Time for you to go home to the places you will be from

18. Let's see Andy has been manager for 105 days,

19. which means I've heard Closing Time 105 times

20. Still don't know the words

21. Home and home and home

22. I know who I want to take me home!

23. I know who I want to take me home

24. Take me home

25. You know what? Fine! I try to start fun traditions for you guys

26. but if you don't want to sing, no traditions

27. Closing time!

28. Every new beginning...

29. I never heard that song before and once I heard it I did not care for it.

30. But that song means it's time to go home.

31. Now, it's my favourite song

32. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

33. Good night

34. This report is atrocious Who's your favourite Iron Chef?

35. You go first

36. The ticketing software paints a picture

37. of a sloppy, careless error-prone office.

38. Well, the monitoring software is a double-edged sword.

39. Sometimes the

40. Sorry. Go ahead

41. Mmm-hmm

42. Did you need something from us?

43. Yes

44. Your attention because...

45. No. That is all

46. Last night I dreamed that the number two

47. was the most valued number in the world.

48. The Vice President had all the power,

49. athletes fought for silver medals,

50. women were considered the best gender.

51. And stadiums of fans shouted, "We're number two!"

52. As with all my dreams, I'm guessing

53. it was about my fear of immigrants

54. Last week, an accounting mistake resulted in

55. a client getting their order for free

56. Ho! That's not good

57. Chalk that one up to "Tweedle-Dee' and "Tweedle-Dum" out there

58. Who are they? They're both Kevin

59. Oscar's the Sex and the City gang,

60. and Angela, if you can

61. Andy, sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all.

62. I would agree with that

63. Simply end the mistakes

64. End the mistakes. Easy

65. When I come back next week, and this report shows me "No mistakes,'

66. we can talk about names all day

67. Our favourite names, silly made-up names

68. normal names said in a silly voice. Wouldn't that be nice?

69. I would like that

70. End the mistakes

71. That's all I ask

72. And you can't have a favorite Iron Chef

73. It depends entirely on the secret ingredient

74. Sometimes I feel you don't know food at all

75. I'm just saying, with the NBA lockout

76. I think roller derby's in a really good place right now.

77. So, my pitch is, me, Pam you and someone else

78. maybe Justine

79. No. Not Justine

80. Never Justine

81. Is that off again?

82. Oh, yeah. Okay

83. Hey, mandatory warehouse safety meeting today.

84. We don't really do those We just sign the thing.

85. Are you really this lazy?

86. I'll be there

87. Hey Hey

88. Mondays suck

89. Yeah. Yep

90. Just trying to

91. I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem.

92. This is a project I've been working on for quite some time.

93. And today might be the day to use it.

94. What've you got?

95. Allow me

96. You're gonna love this

97. Should've used a shorter string.

98. Never mind I know it by heart

99. It is a system that holds people accountable for everyone else's work.

100. Sounds controversial

101. Have I not been worthy of your trust?

102. Have I not been a reliable number two?

103. Do not go there

104. You're the deuce I never want to drop

105. Well, I can make this work

106. I'll set it up right now. I just need your go ahead

107. Go do the voodoo that you do so we

108. I will do my voodoo

109. Mmm-hmm

110. Hey. I need you to get the paperwork rolling

111. on a new workplace relationship

112. For you?

113. Yes, for Gabe

114. Who are you seeing? That's great

115. Whom I am seeing is Val, from down in the warehouse

116. I'm not technically seeing her

117. but, I've seen her with the eyes

118. And there was attraction in at least one direction, so...

119. You know, I don't have to do paperwork unless you're actually dating.

120. Okay. Well, once this starts it's gonna be moving fast,

121. it's gonna be hot and heavy and I don't want

122. a bunch of bureaucratic red tape

123. wrapped around my jock you know?

124. But I mean, well, have you talked to her?

125. Yeah. We had a whole conversation about Mondays

126. Do you know her last name yet?

127. Toby, I'm gonna tell you her last name tomorrow

128. because she's gonna be screaming it tonight.

129. She's gonna be screaming her own last name?

130. Hey, watch it

131. Good luck, Gabe

132. Hi, guys Hi.

133. I just wanna say that you all have been doing amazing work, really.

134. Thank you. And I'd like to add

135. that your work has been a little sloppy

136. So, Dwight and I have implemented

137. a new program that we like to call...

138. Dwight?

139. The Accountability Booster

140. It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office,

141. from a late delivery to an accounting error

142. Five strikes in a day equals a home run

143. One home run and you're out

144. If we as a group make five mistakes in a day

145. something bad happens Like, we block Minesweeper

146. Or, in this case, an e-mail gets sent to Robert California

147. containing the consultant's report from last year.

148. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shut down?

149. What? And, as a failsafe, also

150. every negative e-mail you've ever written about him to the group

151. will also be forwarded to him

152. What e-mails are you talking about?

153. Robert's favorite songs, Creep by TLC Creep by Radiohead.

154. You remember that one, Jim?

155. "There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper.'

156. Oscar

157. "He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him.'

158. Kelly

159. That's not that bad, actually.

160. PS, "We should kill him."

161. Wait. So, you installed a doomsday device?

162. No, it's an Accountability Booster

163. Which, when it goes off it destroys everything

164. very similar to a doomsday device

165. Jim, you're trying to make me sound like some kind of evil maniac

166. No, the point is, is that we are now working in an environment

167. where we have accountability to each other

168. I am confident that you guys are equal to the task

169. No, we're not. And you are a psycho who is ruining our lives

170. We can't do this, Dwight. We can't

171. Smile

172. Nod. Smile and nod

173. They're making me out to be a Bond villain.

174. I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist

175. who will stop at nothing to remake the world.

176. Like

177. Not Doctor Moreau someone good

178. Doctor Frankenstein

179. Doctor Jekyll, not them

180. Doctor

181. Are you sure this is a good idea?

182. I mean, the thing about this office is we make a lot of mistakes

183. But the device will change that

184. Without a safety net people will improve.

185. All right, everybody, looks like we need to be getting to work.

186. Be extra careful, double-check everything

187. Or the Accountability Booster will get you.

188. This doomsday device sounds like a scare tactic to me.

189. There's an easy way to tell if this device is a sham,

190. we just make a mistake

191. I'll send an order down to shipping before we've received payment

192. There's one mistake

193. Now we only have four strikes left until a home run.

194. Dwight's our co-worker and he worked really hard

195. on this doomsday device. So, I...

196. it's not a doomsday device! Gosh!

197. We can do this, you guys

198. First

199. Second it's not a race.

200. Third

201. Who knows what the belt is for?

202. It's for protecting my ass

203. when you suckers lift more than you can handle.

204. What's up? I'm Gabe

205. Corporate. Continue

206. Don't be nervous

207. Apparently, we have a visitor

208. Gabe, everyone

209. Hi, Gabe

210. All right so the support belt. Now this one is mine

211. Doesn't get much use nowadays.

212. Look at this. This is enormous

213. I get the sense that Val enjoys a good put-down

214. Considering that's the only thing I know about her,

215. I will be milking that hard

216. It's like a hula-hoop right?

217. Mele Kalikimaka is Hawaii's way

218. You done?

219. The Michelin Man called, he wants his cummerbund back

220. Remember, we have to get Regal Escrow their refund by 5:00.

221. I'm on it

222. Kevin, maybe I should handle that.

223. We really need you to focus on your project.

224. Good thinking

225. Apparently a big client for this company

226. needs to know the story of how paper gets made

227. Oscar, use a calculator

228. When the stakes are this high there's only one computer that I trust

229. And it's powered by Thai food and Spanish reds

230. All right, everybody you're doing great.

231. Well, I wouldn't say that. Three mistakes already is pretty terrible

232. But I do see improvement

233. Meredith kept someone on hold for 30 minutes,

234. and now look she's hard at work

235. Dwight, question. No questions

236. If this doomsday device goes off

237. Accountability Booster

238. If this bad idea goes off

239. and we all lose our jobs, are you gonna feel good about that?

240. I haven't even considered it

241. That's how sure I am that this Accountability Booster is gonna work

242. Try "Mose-1-2-3-4.'

243. Dwight would never be that obvious Try something like...

244. "Z-6-4-$-8.'

245. Not that exactly, Jim something like that

246. Okay

247. How about "Scranton-Strangler-6-6-6"?

248. Nope No?

249. Aw...

250. Shoot.

251. You guys are never gonna shut down the machine, okay?

252. But I appreciate your energy and your teamwork

253. You apply this to your regular work

254. you won't even notice that the device is there

255. watching you ready to strike

256. What's Dwight's mother's name?

257. Hedda

258. No

259. Once you've read the packet, sign the back

260. Hey, Darryl. I was thinking

261. maybe while we read through this

262. you could grab us all some coffee?

263. My treat

264. Here's a $100 bill

265. That should cover it I think.

266. Don't bring me any of that caramel soy latte crap, okay?

267. I want a decaf frappuccino.

268. Val?

269. Actually, Val why don't you come with?

270. I'll need the extra hands to carry them back.

271. Yeah, sure

272. Mmm-hmm

273. Caramel soy latte

274. No, a decaf frap

275. Got it

276. You sent the late notice to Rinehart and Wolfe, right?

277. Mmm-hmm. 64620

278. Nuh-uh. Yes

279. 588 plus 15%

280. Oh, no! - What does this mean?

281. What does it mean? - Andy.

282. Oh

283. God

284. That's five strikes

285. Well

286. I was saving this for my retirement which I guess is today

287. Dwight, we got five strikes.

288. Really?

289. Did the e-ma go out or...

290. It goes out automatically at 5:00 p.m

291. Well, then there's gotta be a way to stop it

292. Well, I would have to enter my password in order to cancel it.

293. Okay

294. Dwight, you may now enter your password.

295. No

296. What? What?

297. You don't deserve to have this branch

298. Five mistakes in less than a day?

299. We did our best

300. No, you didn't, Phyllis

301. You complained the whole time,

302. you yelled at me you tried to break into the machine.

303. What?

304. You're a real crumb bum you know that?

305. Hey, you can't just change the rules

306. because you don't like the outcome.

307. What about you, Kevin? What about you and your fake task?

308. Can you tell me now where paper comes from?

309. The man tree puts its penis

310. Okay. All right, Andy, back me up here, please

311. No

312. What? No

313. Dwight, be human for once shut down the machine.

314. Shut it down Shut it down.

315. Shut down the machine

316. Shut it down

317. good luck finding a new job, idiots

318. I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference

319. Glowingly negative

320. Dwight's car is gone

321. I bet he went home

322. Some of us should go there, try to talk some sense into him.

323. Get him to stop that e-mail

324. Pam, you should come with me. Dwight really likes you,

325. and your breasts are enormous, that could help us

326. Kevin has that lovability

327. Guys, come on

328. I'm right here

329. Jim, I want you to go find Robert. Just be where he is

330. in case that e-ma goes out at 5:00,

331. you can try to delete it or something

332. Okay. Where is he?

333. He's at some club where you either eat squash or play squash

334. I'll try both

335. Oh

336. Did you come to reason with me?

337. Got you something

338. And I just really want to talk to you

339. Get lost

340. Well, now hold on

341. What are you doing?

342. What does it look like I'm doing?

343. Digging a grave for a horse

344. Do you need a hand?

345. Yeah, you need a hand?

346. If you hit another horse you've dug too far

347. I'll see you next week, Will.

348. Robert

349. Jim, what are you

350. What a surprise

351. Yeah. Well, you know I just had a meeting, a squash meeting

352. Yeah?

353. You up for a game?

354. A game? Or a match?

355. Exactly! Here we go

356. Let's do it

357. Are you okay, Kevin?

358. Where are you going?

359. In. I'm hungry

360. Could we come in, too? Just for some water?

361. Okay. Take off your shoes

362. Except you, Kevin They stay on

363. Wow, I forgot how pretty your house is

364. This is the newest addition, built by Erasmus Schrute in 1808

365. It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009.

366. That's too much doodle and not enough lab

367. Yeah, when are they gonna do a Labradoodle that's just lab?

368. That's what I'm saying

369. Hey

370. You're welcome. Thanks for the coffee

371. So, tonight I was thinking, I'm gonna go to the cemetery

372. I'm gonna drink a little wine

373. and I thought maybe you'd like to come with me

374. Are you asking me on a date?

375. Yes, I am

376. Because I don't date coworkers

377. it's not personal. it's a matter of policy

378. I could quit

379. Problem solved

380. Don't quit

381. Good policy It's sensible

382. Smart

383. All right. Serving

384. Serving, serving, serving

385. In the box. In the box

386. Why haven't we heard anything?

387. It's 4:45 There's only 15 minutes left

388. Oh, now you can do math?

389. Where were you two hours ago beautiful mind?

390. I made a mistake I'm sorry!

391. I know how to save the company, everyone

392. Just write a petition, get everyone's signature

393. including our clients, march down to Florida

394. and shove it up your butt

395. it's not that funny

396. Pam, you got something on your shirt.

397. Oh!

398. Well, pobody's nerfect, right?

399. Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's "nobody's perfect.'

400. Nice stroke, Pam

401. No, it's a jokey saying

402. "Pobody's nerfect.'

403. Like, I can't even say those words right

404. I hadn't heard that before

405. That's funny

406. Dwight, there's just the small

407. You know what would go so great with this cabbage pie?

408. Milk

409. Any specific animal?

410. I'm thinking cow Don't say cow.

411. What are you doing? It's five to 5:00

412. Just don't talk about the e-mail, okay?

413. He's gonna cancel it on his own I really think he will.

414. That's insane Just trust me.

415. Trust you? Like I trusted Dwight this morning?

416. I got this

417. Thanks for everything

418. Sive drafely

419. Wasn't it supposed to be drive safely?

420. Is that my phone?

421. Sounded like mine

422. No, I think it's mine Let me just check real quick here

423. All right

424. No, it's mine. You took it out of my bag

425. Oh. Oops

426. Yeah Can I have it?

427. Yes

428. Right now?

429. Yes There you go

430. Whoa! No! Wait, wait

431. What the *?

432. Oh, man I'm sorry!

433. Jesus! Did it break?

434. No, it's good, thanks. You sure?

435. Yeah

436. What kind of iPhone is that?

437. It's the standard one, the one everyone has

438. Yeah. I have the one that nobody has.

439. Is there anything interesting?

440. It depends, Jim. Do you find one-day-only

441. JetBlue sales to Buffalo interesting?

442. No, I don't

443. All right

444. Well, I am sore and obviously horrible at this

445. My serve

446. Dwight stopped the device

447. Yes

448. He stopped it

449. Yes

450. We still have our jobs

451. They're not my favorite people in the world

452. I wouldn't even call them friends.

453. They come over here, eat my pie,

454. dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen.

455. God, I'm gonna have to work with them forever, aren't l?

456. Just take it easy Nice and easy

457. Classic, right?

458. Ooh

459. I'm all right. You all right?

460. Yeah. Skinned knee

461. Yeah

462. Need a little ice on that, maybe.

463. Yeah. That does not feel good.

464. Okay. My serve