The Office 8x24

Directed by B.J. Novak

Zach Woods as Gabe Lewis • Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer

Dwight offers free family portraits, and a stolen diaper leads to a high-speed car chase. With help from David Wallace, Andy goes undercover to try to get his job back. A new business opportunity arises for Robert California.

Request examples:

!req The Office 8x24 [02:32]
!req The Office 8x24 [The Office 8x24]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req The Office 8x24 [10-11]; !req The Office 8x24 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Hello, my name's Oscar,

2. I'm an accountant at Scranton, Pennsylvania,

3. and I'm gay.

4. And I'm here to tell you that yes, it does get better.

5. - When I was young... - What's he doing?

6. Stretching at younger gays.

7. No, it's just a way to tell young people

8. no matter how hard it gets for them, there's a brave future ahead.

9. With you.

10. No matter how hard it gets for you...

11. Kelly! Seriously, I...

12. Keep chatting. I'm checking my makeup in your webcam.

13. Do you not own a mirror?

14. Webcams make me look the way I look in my fantasies.

15. I know, right? What is it?

16. - You always look good in those things. - I'm throwing out all my mirrors.

17. Okay, as you can see, I now have a cool job

18. at a dynamic workplace.

19. Being gay is a celebration of life, it's a simple...

20. No, I'm sorry, I just can't sit idly by

21. and have the gay youth of America mislead

22. - by some reductionist... - I'm not misleading.

23. Pep talk.

24. Sexuality is a spectrum.

25. It's a paradox to think of any sexual activity

26. as normal.

27. It gets better but it also gets vastly more complicated.

28. Robert, that guy, he looks just like you.

29. Damn it, Kevin!

30. God!

31. You okay, Robert?

32. - Fine. - Put some ice on it.

33. In any case, it gets better.

34. Maybe not much better, but better.

35. - Feygnasse Team - La Fabrique :.

36. 8x24: Free Family Portrait Studio

37. One, two, three!

38. I wanted to give a nice gift to the tenants in the building.

39. At first I thought, "muffin basket".

40. Then I thought, "what's even more precious to people?"

41. - Can you just smile, please? - I don't want to!

42. Their own children.

43. Hey, everybody, just a few hours left for the free family portrait studio.

44. We'd love to see little Jada.

45. - You can bring by your little angel. - No, thank you.

46. Jim, you've got those two cute kids. We sure would love to see them.

47. I know why you're doing this.

48. Last week, I may have gone too far.

49. I'll explain it.

50. I found out where he gets his clothes cleaned,

51. ordered the same suit, made with tear-away velcro.

52. And...

53. You can fill in the rest.

54. Wha...

55. Damn it, Jim!

56. Now he's trying to get me to bring my children into work.

57. I think it's fair to be cautious.

58. Let me get this straight.

59. You lost all of it.

60. All your winnings.

61. $150,000.

62. You're telling me no one wanted an energy drink

63. for Asian homosexuals?

64. They did not.

65. And you got half a million of these?

66. - Well, I gotta try it. - I wouldn't.

67. Come on, what's the harm?

68. - What flavor was that? - Coconut penis.

69. - The coconut's pretty subtle. - Come on, man.

70. Can't you give us a yes or a no?

71. I don't know, man. Y'all quit with a lot of confidence.

72. Y'all came up in here dancing and everybody was...

73. Hold on a second.

74. If I were Val, I would break up with Brandon.

75. Then I would date the hell out of me.

76. I wouldn't give in to me too fast, let me buy myself

77. some nice dinners and such.

78. But when I finally did give in, I would go crazy on myself.

79. Hi, guys.

80. How's it going?

81. I'm good, thank you.

82. And how are you?

83. Great, yeah, good.

84. How the mediocre have fallen.

85. Oh, God.

86. I'm not here to get my old job back.

87. I blew my opportunity.

88. I'm moving on.

89. I just wanted to come in here

90. and literally beg you

91. for something, anything.

92. I will sweep the floors, water the plants, clean the toilets.

93. I don't need anyone.

94. - Pull the poop out of it. - That's not a thing.

95. Please.

96. Please.

97. Give me something!

98. Why don't you clean the carpets for today?

99. - Thank you. - You're welcome.

100. Up you get then.

101. Pick yourself up.

102. - There it is. - Thank you.

103. You don't need to...

104. I have a delicious secret.

105. Good.

106. This carpet's overdue for a good mopping.

107. Is a mop the most efficient tool to use on a carpet?

108. Yeah, it is actually.

109. I can't hold it in any longer.

110. I am faking this, okay?

111. Because I convinced David Wallace

112. to buy Dunder Mifflin back from Sabre.

113. And at 3:00 today, he's gonna walk in here

114. and reinstate me

115. as manager.

116. Family picture!

117. What? Honey, we talked about this.

118. No, we talked about not bringing them in

119. to Dwight's photo studio-slash-trap.

120. Yes, and then we decided that was crazy.

121. No, we decided it was crazy not to worry about it.

122. No, we settled in a much more rational place, remember?

123. We decided that there's no way Dwight would harm a child.

124. But are you 100% sure? I don't think any of us are.

125. But it's free. And we'll keep our eye on them.

126. And we will make sure that Dwight doesn't do anything

127. C-R-A-Z-Y.

128. Wait, C-R-A-Z...

129. Great, right up there.

130. You just sit right here one time.

131. Here you go.

132. All right, why don't you just... give him to me and...

133. Perfect.

134. - Ready? - This is great.

135. There you go.

136. - Let's do it. - I'll just stand here then.

137. Keep your eye on Dwight.

138. - Sir, could you look into the camera? - Let's do it, shoot it.

139. - Great. - Up here.

140. Jim, right here, right here.

141. - Good. - Oh, so that's it?

142. Yes.

143. - See? That wasn't so hard. - Cute kids, thanks for coming.

144. - Hello, everybody. - Uh, what? Why?

145. What... How are you doing?

146. My office got a call that they were shooting family portraits right here.

147. And if there's one thing that every politician instinctively understands,

148. it's a good photo op.

149. You're going to go through the hallway.

150. Here's a map. And if you get lost, just follow the blue line.

151. Senator Lipton, welcome.

152. Nice to see you. May I hold him?

153. - Sure. - No.

154. I am going to hold him because I haven't seen him all day.

155. I think that Dwight is doing this whole thing

156. to get a sample of my baby's DNA to prove he's the father.

157. Which... Is impossible...

158. Because the Senator is the only man I've ever been with.

159. Okay, hold on a second, folks. A few of the baby's hairs are out of place.

160. I like the baby's hair the way it is.

161. Really?

162. This is getting more and more delicious by the minute.

163. It's go time.

164. Hey, Nellie, I made you...

165. I made you some soup.

166. Well, I don't want any soup.

167. But it's really good...

168. Oh, come on, Andy!

169. I know this is going to be a great payoff.

170. A delicious moment.

171. But after you're manager, some of these images

172. are going to be hard to shake.

173. - Well, but it... - Just calibrate.

174. Okay? Calibrate.

175. Okay, here we go.

176. I don't want to throw a wrench into the works,

177. but I want everything to be perfect, and his fingernails are bothering me abit.

178. Leave us alone.

179. I guess we're okay with the fingernails.

180. Okay, great. Suit yourself.

181. Although, are those excess skin cells on his cheek distracting to you as well?

182. Dwight, we're fine!

183. Oopsie,

184. did somebody make a boopsie?

185. I'm just gonna take him out and change him just for a second.

186. He defecated.

187. You're stinky.

188. A lot has changed since y'all left, okay?

189. You're gonna have to jump through some hoops.

190. And the new foreman is here.

191. Now she's one of the best we've ever known, okay?

192. So I need you to show her your utmost respect.

193. Make sure that she feels welcome and at home, okay?

194. Can you do that?

195. That's some pretty blatant complimenting.

196. - I don't talk to her like that. - Brandon?

197. I would.

198. - You would? - Yeah.

199. - You're trying to hit on my girlfriend? - He's not.

200. Yes, I am.

201. Just so everyone's on the same page.

202. So you really think

203. she's gonna leave a guy who owns his own restaurant

204. for a dude who ate his own restaurant?

205. - Good slam. - Thank you, biggie.

206. - Good luck to you. - Oh, and have a burger for me.

207. - Okay, shall we take a few more? - I think we have all the shots we need.

208. - Thank you, Dwight. - Okay, here we go...

209. Give me the diaper! Dwight!

210. Is this what you were looking for?

211. Andy, we wanted to talk to you.

212. A lot of us are very concerned about you.

213. You're dirty, you stink of booze,

214. you're limping inexplicably.

215. I just want you guys not to worry.

216. 'Cause old Andy's gonna be just fine.

217. This is what we're talking about. What was that accent?

218. And last time I checked, you were drunk and now you're not drunk.

219. No, unfortunately it's true.

220. He's been a nightmare.

221. And the worst part is he's been taking it out on me.

222. - You hit her? - What?

223. That is not the deal.

224. Calibrate.

225. He's not hitting me.

226. But he's been verbally abusing me...

227. That's not true either!

228. That's also total... Everyone, please relax.

229. I think you're gonna like this surprise guest.

230. Happy birthday to Gabe.

231. Oh, get out, skeleton man!

232. I can refer you to someone to talk to.

233. Hold on. I'm just gonna...

234. Hey, what's the scoop? Are you close?

235. What?

236. You have to come now.

237. Traffic clears.

238. No, next Friday...

239. That's not gonna work. Okay.

240. Damn it!

241. Well, this is not gonna be quite as delicious as I wanted,

242. but I do have a very tasty announcement for you guys.

243. Not only am I not a lowly janitor,

244. I am the regional manager once again.

245. Guys, I got my old job back.

246. I'm not crazy.

247. I convinced David Wallace to give me my job back.

248. David Wallace hasn't worked here in years.

249. Okay, yes, I see the confusion.

250. I saw David at the fundraiser.

251. He is now a multi-millionaire because he sold his toy vacuum

252. "Suck It," to the US Military.

253. - Andy, come on. - Even I know that's weird.

254. I... Okay, I get how that sounds crazy.

255. Hey, Andy, nobody's calling you crazy, Andy.

256. We're your friends, Andy.

257. Stop saying my name.

258. - He's not making this up. - Thank you.

259. Andy tells me about seeing David Wallace all the time.

260. But have you ever actually seen him yourself?

261. Oh, my God. Wait.

262. Erin, come on.

263. You know I've been talking to David Wallace.

264. Do you see David Wallace in the room right now?

265. Operation Phoenix is a go.

266. Just get the car ready.

267. Look at me like you're adoring me and I look at the camera

268. - like you're not there. - I do adore you.

269. Andrew, it's time for you to go home.

270. You're better than this.

271. Yeah, I know.

272. Everyone's better than this, because this is the worst thing

273. I have ever seen.

274. Why'd they add coconut? I miss original.

275. Long time.

276. What are you doing here?

277. Is it true you're buying the company?

278. Okay.

279. I guess the word is out.

280. Please keep this a secret.

281. I've been talking with Andy...

282. What?

283. Thought I heard my name. What?

284. I'm the new manager?

285. I'll get to that in a second.

286. But... it's me, right?

287. - As we've discussed. - What?

288. - It's very possible. Probable. - My God.

289. From janitor to manager?

290. That's quite a cinderella story.

291. From M-O-P

292. to M-V-P.

293. There's an official announcement, a few details to...

294. From total loss, to total boss.

295. Can we expect any payroll interruptions?

296. Now that is a great question.

297. All your operations, or most of your operations

298. are down in Florida, so to shift back up...

299. I was so looking forward to that and it did not...

300. go as I thought it would.

301. So we're not gonna be a part of Sabre anymore?

302. Nothing is gonna be a part of it.

303. Joe Bennett's planning on liquidating the rest of the company.

304. Wouldn't wanna be a Sabre employee right about now.

305. I'm actually the CEO.

306. I didn't realize you were standing there.

307. My friend, trust me, this is for the best.

308. I never understood that corporate mess.

309. - Great to meet you. - Likewise, I'm Bob Kazamakis.

310. Pleasure.

311. I'd love to give you a little rundown on what I've learned about this place.

312. That's very gracious of you, Bob. I would love that.

313. Please.

314. Guess I'd better take off these dirty rags.

315. Figure out how to be a manager of this place.

316. Perhaps your year of experience managing this branch will come in handy.

317. Gosh, I hope so.

318. - No! God, Mose! - Hi, Angela.

319. Get out of the car! Get out!

320. Where is he? Where is he?

321. - I'm not supposed to say. - Tell me!

322. Tell me where he is!

323. Mose, damn it!

324. Where did he go? Mose, get back here!

325. Let's see that smile.

326. - Right here? - Cool.

327. Looks like I might get my delicious moment after all.

328. May I say one thing?

329. It would be rude of me not to let you...

330. say whatever is on your mind.

331. The quality of mercy is not strained.

332. - No. - It droppeth.

333. As the gentle rain from heaven, upon the place beneath.

334. Do not bring Shakespeare into this.

335. How dare you play the bard card?

336. It blesseth he who gives and he who takes.

337. 'Tis mightiest in the mightiest.

338. I just want one

339. motherfucking delicious moment.

340. Is that too much to ask?

341. If I were to hire you back... If...

342. What do you think you would do well?

343. Special projects manager, that's my background.

344. I just go around doing whatever I want.

345. All right, you sly bastard.

346. When can you start?

347. Okay, everyone.

348. Had a conversation with Bob,

349. and since I'm going to be CEO now, there will be no need for him.

350. That's gotta hurt.

351. But he's going to make so much money from the liquidation,

352. he's gonna be freed up to do something much more important.

353. David has generously offered to donate one million dollars

354. in matching funds to a cause that's very...

355. dear to me.

356. So for the next three years, I'll be traveling overseas,

357. concentrating on all of my efforts on educating, mentoring,

358. some African, some Asian,

359. but mainly Eastern European women.

360. I had no idea how pervasive this was until Bob explained it to me.

361. Oprah Winfrey's leadership academy

362. and other schools like it, while wonderful,

363. end with high school.

364. I wanna see these girls right through college.

365. Especially the gymnasts.

366. They've lost so many...

367. years of crucial education

368. to perfecting their bodies.

369. Muscle groups the rest of us can't even fathom.

370. Gymnasts?

371. You're going to seek out uneducated gymnasts?

372. Yeah, so I'm hoping to identify

373. some truly exceptional women

374. who show great promise.

375. It's been fun.

376. It's been a great year.

377. Hello.

378. Where is it?

379. They're testing it now.

380. How long does it take to get the results?

381. 72 hours.

382. You're gonna wait here?

383. Dwight, I can't do this.

384. - Hey, how are you? - You didn't call.

385. Well, the issue that concerned me...

386. You know what this is about...

387. Cock.