The Office 8x24

Directed by B.J. Novak

Zach Woods as Gabe Lewis • Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer

Dwight offers free family portraits, and a stolen diaper leads to a high-speed car chase. With help from David Wallace, Andy goes undercover to try to get his job back. A new business opportunity arises for Robert California.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hello, my name's Oscar,

2. I'm an accountant at Scranton, Pennsylvania,

3. and I'm gay.

4. And I'm here to tell you, that yes, it does get better.

5. - When I was younger... - What, what's he doing?

6. - Stretching at younger gays. - Oh...

7. No, it's just a way to tell young people no matter

8. how hard it gets for them, there's a brave future ahead.

9. - With you.

10. No matter how hard it gets for you, eh—

11. Kelly! Seriously, I—

12. Just keep chatting.

13. I'm just checking my makeup in your webcam.

14. - Do you not own a mirror?

15. - Webcams make me look the way I look in my fantasies.

16. - I know, right? What is it?

17. You always look so good in those things.

18. - I'm throwing out all my mirrors.

19. - Okay, as you can see, I now have a cool job

20. at a dynamic workplace.

21. Being gay is a celebration of life, it's a simple—

22. No, I'm sorry, I just can't sit idly by

23. and have the gay youth of America mislead

24. by some reductionist...

25. - I'm not misleading.

26. - Pep talk.

27. Sexuality is a spectrum.

28. It's a paradox to think of any sexual activity

29. as normal.

30. - Mm.

31. - It gets better but it also gets vastly more complicated.

32. - Hey, Robert, that guy, he looks just like you.

33. - Ooh! - Ow! Damn it, Kevin!

34. God!

35. You okay, Robert?

36. - Fine. - Put some ice on it.

37. - In any case, it gets better.

38. - Maybe—

39. Maybe not much better...

40. But better.

41. One, two, three!

42. Then I thought, "what's even more precious to people

43. than muffins?"

44. - Can you just smile, please? - I don't want to!

45. - Their own children.

46. Hey, everybody, just a few hours left

47. for the free family portrait studio.

48. Darryl!

49. We'd love to see little Jada come by.

50. Angela!

51. Why don't you bring by your little angel?

52. - No, thank you.

53. - Jim, you've got those two cute kids.

54. We sure would love to see them.

55. - I know why you're doing this, Dwight.

56. Last week, I may have gone too far.

57. I'll explain it quickly.

58. Basically, I found out where he gets his clothes dry-cleaned.

59. Custom ordered the same suit, made with tear-away velcro.

60. And...

61. You can fill in the rest.

62. Wha—

63. - Damn it, Jim!

64. - Now he's trying to get me to bring my children in to work.

65. I think it's fair to be cautious.

66. - Let me get this straight.

67. You lost all of it.

68. All your winnings.

69. $150,000.

70. - Bad economy.

71. Bad investment.

72. - You mean to tell me no one wanted an energy drink

73. for Asian homosexuals?

74. - They did not.

75. - And you got half a million of these?

76. - Well, I gotta try it. - I wouldn't.

77. - Aw, come on, what's the harm?

78. Mmm.

79. - What flavor was that? - Coconut penis.

80. - The coconut's pretty subtle. - Come on, man.

81. Can't you just give us a yes or a no?

82. - I don't know, man.

83. Y'all quit with a lot of confidence.

84. I mean, it was, like, y'all came up in here

85. dancing and everybody was— Ooh, hold on a second.

86. Oh.

87. If I were Val, I would break up with Brandon.

88. Then I would date the hell out of me.

89. I wouldn't give in to me too fast,

90. let me buy myself some nice dinners and such.

91. But when I finally did give in, I would go crazy on myself.

92. - Hi, guys. - How's it going, man?

93. I'm— I'm good, thank you.

94. And how are you?

95. - Great, yeah, good.

96. - Oh, how the mediocre have fallen.

97. - Oh, God.

98. - Look, I'm not here to get my old job back.

99. I had my opportunity. I blew it.

100. I'm moving on.

101. I just wanted to come in here

102. and literally beg you

103. for something, anything.

104. I will sweep the floors, water the plants.

105. - No, you don't understand. - Clean the toilets.

106. I don't need anyone to—

107. Pull the poop out of the toilets.

108. - That's not even a thing. - Just, please...

109. - Andy— - Please.

110. - Andy. - Give me something!

111. - Why don't you clean the carpets for today?

112. - Thank you.

113. - You're welcome.

114. Up you get then.

115. Pick yourself up.

116. - There it is. - Thank you.

117. You don't need to—

118. I have a delicious secret.

119. - Good, good.

120. This carpet's overdue for a good mopping.

121. - Is a mop the most efficient tool to use on a carpet?

122. - Yeah, it is actually.

123. Mmm, I can't hold it in any longer.

124. Um, I am faking this, okay?

125. Because I convinced David Wallace

126. to buy Dunder Mifflin back from Sabre.

127. And at 3:00 today, he's gonna walk in here

128. and reinstate me...

129. As manager.

130. - Family picture!

131. Pam!

132. - No! - What?

133. Honey, we talked about this.

134. - No, we talked about not bringing them in

135. to Dwight's photo studio-slash-trap.

136. - Yes, and then we decided that was crazy.

137. - No, we decided it was crazy not to worry about it.

138. - No, we settled in a much more rational place, remember?

139. - Nope.

140. - We decided that there's no way

141. Dwight would harm a child.

142. - But are you 100% sure? I don't think any of us are.

143. - No, no. - Nope.

144. - But it's free. And we'll keep our eye on them.

145. - That's— - Yes.

146. That's—

147. - and we will make sure that Dwight doesn't do anything

148. C-R-A-Z-Y.

149. Wait, C-R-A-Z...

150. - Great, right up there. - Yeah?

151. - Yeah.

152. - You just sit right here one time.

153. - Here you go. - Okay.

154. - All right, why don't you just...

155. - Oh, great. Thank you. - Give him to me and...

156. Perfect.

157. - Okay, ready? - This is great.

158. - Excuse me, hold on. - There you go.

159. - All right. - Okay.

160. - Let's do it. - I'll just stand here then.

161. - Yeah, just keep your eye on Dwight, great.

162. - Sir, could you look into the camera?

163. - Let's do it, shoot it. - Sir.

164. - Great. - Up here.

165. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

166. Jim, right here, right here.

167. - Okay, good. - Oh, so that's it?

168. - That's it. - See? That wasn't so hard.

169. - Cute kids, thanks for coming.

170. - Hello, Erin.

171. - Hello, everybody. - Uh, what? Why?

172. Uh, hi, honey. What— How are you doing?

173. - Hi, you know, my office got a call

174. that they were shooting family portraits right here.

175. And if there's one thing that every politician

176. instinctively understands, it's a good photo op.

177. Yeah.

178. - Heh.

179. - Okay, you're going to go through the hallway.

180. Here's a map.

181. And if you get lost, just follow the blue line.

182. - Thanks.

183. - Well, well, well.

184. Senator Lipton, welcome.

185. - Angela. - Dwight.

186. - Nice to see you. May I hold him?

187. - Sure. - No.

188. I am going to hold him because I haven't seen him all day.

189. I think that Dwight is doing this whole thing

190. to, um, get a sample of my baby's DNA

191. to prove he's the father.

192. Which... Is impossible...

193. Because the Senator is the only man

194. I've ever been with.

195. - Okay, hold on a second, folks.

196. A few of the baby's hairs are out of place.

197. - Oh, thank you. - No, no, no.

198. I like the baby's hair the way it is.

199. - Really?

200. - This is getting more and more delicious by the minute.

201. It's go time.

202. Hey, Nellie, I made you—

203. I made you some soup.

204. - Well, I don't want any soup.

205. - But it's really good— Oh! - Oh, come on, Andy!

206. - I know this is going to be a great payoff.

207. - A delicious moment.

208. - But after you're manager, some of these images

209. are going to be hard to shake.

210. - Well, but it— - Just calibrate.

211. Okay? Calibrate.

212. - Okay, here we go.

213. Oh, you know what? I don't want to throw

214. a wrench into the works, but I want everything

215. to be perfect, and the baby's fingernails

216. are just bothering me a little bit.

217. Mm-mm, leave us alone.

218. - I guess we're okay with the fingernails.

219. - Okay, great. Suit yourself.

220. - Although, are those excess skin cells

221. on the baby's cheek distracting to you as well?

222. - Here. - Dwight!

223. We're fine!

224. - Oopsie, did somebody make a boopsie?

225. Oh, no.

226. - I'm just gonna take him out and change him

227. just for a second.

228. - He defecated. Ooh.

229. - You're stinky.

230. - A lot has changed since y'all left, okay?

231. You're gonna have to jump through some hoops.

232. And the new foreman is here.

233. Now she's one of the best we've ever known, okay?

234. So I need you to show her your utmost respect.

235. Make sure that she feels welcome and at home, okay?

236. Can you do that?

237. - That's some pretty blatant complimenting

238. you're doing there, man.

239. I don't even talk to her like that.

240. - Uh, Brandon? - I would.

241. - You would? - Yeah.

242. - Sounds like you're trying to hit on my girlfriend.

243. - Calm down, he's not. - Yes, I am.

244. Just so everyone's on the same page.

245. - So you really think

246. she's gonna leave a guy who owns his own restaurant

247. for a dude who ate his own restaurant?

248. - Brandon.

249. - Good slam. - Thank you, biggie.

250. - Good luck to you. - Oh, and have a burger for me.

251. - Okay, shall we take a few more? - I think we have all the shots we need.

252. - Thank you, Dwight. - Okay, here we go...

253. - No! Dwight!

254. Give me the diaper! Dwight!

255. - Is this what you were looking for?

256. Huh? Huh?

257. - Andy, we wanted to talk to you.

258. A lot of us are very concerned about you.

259. - You're dirty, you stink of booze,

260. you're limping inexplicably.

261. - I just want you guys not to worry.

262. 'Cause old Andy's gonna be just fine.

263. - No, no, see? This is what we're talking about.

264. I mean, what was that accent?

265. And last time I checked, you were drunk

266. and now you're not drunk.

267. - No, unfortunately it's true.

268. He's been a nightmare.

269. And the worst part is he's been taking it out on me.

270. - You hit her? - What?

271. - No! No!

272. That is not the deal.

273. Calibrate.

274. - He's not hitting me.

275. But he's been verbally abusing me—

276. That's not true either!

277. That's also total— Everyone, please relax.

278. I think you're gonna like this surprise guest.

279. - Happy birthday to Gabe.

280. - Oh, get out, skeleton man!

281. - I can refer you to someone to talk to.

282. - Huh?

283. - Hold on. - Give you a name or—

284. I'm just gonna— Quick— Hello?

285. Hey, what's the scoop? Are you close?

286. What?

287. No. No, no, no, no, no.

288. You have to come now.

289. Traffic clears.

290. No, next Friday...

291. That's not gonna work. Okay.

292. Yeah.

293. Okay.

294. Damn it!

295. Well, this is not gonna be quite as delicious as I wanted,

296. but I do have a very tasty announcement for you guys.

297. Not only am I not a lowly janitor,

298. I am the regional manager once again.

299. Guys, I got my old job back.

300. - Oh, boy. - Oh, Andy.

301. - What? - I'm not crazy.

302. I convinced David Wallace to give me my job back.

303. - David Wallace hasn't worked here in years.

304. - Okay, yes, I see the confusion.

305. I saw David at the fundraiser.

306. He is now a multi-millionaire because he sold his toy vacuum

307. "Suck It," to the US Military.

308. - Andy, come on. - Even I know that's weird.

309. I— I— Okay, I get how that sounds crazy.

310. - Hey, Andy, nobody's calling you crazy, Andy.

311. We're your friends, Andy.

312. - Stop saying my name.

313. - No, he's not making this up. - Thank you, Erin.

314. - Andy tells me about seeing David Wallace all the time.

315. - But have you ever actually seen him yourself?

316. - Oh, my God. Wait.

317. Erin, come— Come on.

318. You know I've been talking to David Wallace.

319. - Do you see David Wallace in the room right now?

320. - Operation Phoenix is a go.

321. Just get the car ready.

322. - No, you look at me like you're adoring me

323. and I'm gonna look at the camera

324. like I don't even know you're there.

325. - I do adore you.

326. - Andrew, it's time for you to go home.

327. You're better than this.

328. - Yeah, I know.

329. - Everyone's better than this, because this is the worst thing

330. I have ever seen.

331. Why'd they add coconut? I miss original.

332. - Hey.

333. - Oh, David. - Hey!

334. - Hey! - Hey, guys.

335. Long time.

336. - David, what are you doing here?

337. - Is it true you're buying the company?

338. - Okay.

339. I guess the word is out.

340. Uh, please keep this a secret.

341. But, yes, I've been talking with Andy—

342. What?

343. Thought I heard my name. What?

344. I'm the new manager?

345. - I'll get to that in a second, Andy.

346. But it's— It is— It is me, right?

347. - Yes, as we've discussed. - What?

348. - But it's very possible— - Oh, my God.

349. - Probable. - Wow.

350. From janitor to manager?

351. - Yup.

352. - That's quite a cinderella story.

353. From M-O-P to M-V-P.

354. There's an official announcement, a few details to—

355. From total loss, to total boss.

356. I mean—

357. Can we expect any payroll interruptions?

358. - Now that is a great question, Stanley.

359. Right now I think all your operations

360. or most of your operations are pretty much down in Florida,

361. so to shift back up—

362. I was so looking forward to that and it did not...

363. Go as I thought it would.

364. - So we're not gonna be a part of Sabre anymore?

365. - Actually, nothing is gonna be a part of Sabre anymore.

366. Joe Bennett's planning on liquidating

367. the rest of the company.

368. - Oof.

369. Wouldn't wanna be a Sabre employee right about now.

370. I'm actually the CEO.

371. - Aah, I didn't realize you were standing there.

372. - Hey, my friend, trust me. This is for the best.

373. I never understood that corporate mess.

374. - Well, okay. Well, great to meet you.

375. - Likewise, I'm Bob. Bob Kazamakis.

376. - Pleasure.

377. - I'd love to give you a little rundown

378. on what I've learned about this place.

379. - That's very gracious of you, Bob.

380. I would love that.

381. - Please.

382. - Guess I'd better take off these dirty rags.

383. Figure out how to be a manager of this place.

384. - Perhaps your year of experience managing this branch

385. will come in handy.

386. - Gosh, I hope so.

387. - No! God, Mose! God! - Hi, Angela.

388. - Get out of the car! Get out!

389. Where is he? Where is he?

390. - I'm not supposed to say. - Yes! Tell me!

391. Tell me where he is!

392. Mose, damn it!

393. Where did he go?

394. Mose! Get back here!

395. - Let's see that smile.

396. - Right here? - Cool.

397. Looks like I might get my delicious moment

398. after all.

399. - May I say one thing?

400. - It would be rude of me not to let you...

401. Say whatever is on your mind.

402. - The quality of mercy is not strained.

403. - No. - It droppeth.

404. As the gentle rain from heaven,

405. upon the place beneath.

406. - Do not bring Shakespeare into this.

407. How dare you play the bard card?

408. - It blesseth he who gives and he who takes.

409. 'Tis mightiest in the mightiest.

410. - I just want one motherfucking delicious moment.

411. Is that too much to ask?

412. I were to hire you back—

413. If—

414. What do you think you would do well?

415. - Special projects manager, that's my background.

416. I just go around doing whatever I want.

417. - All right, you sly bastard.

418. When can you start?

419. - Okay, everyone.

420. Had a conversation with Bob,

421. and since I am going to be CEO now,

422. there will be no need for him.

423. - Ouch! That's gotta hurt.

424. - But he is going to make so much money

425. from the liquidation, he's gonna be freed up

426. to do something much more important.

427. - What?

428. - David has generously offered to donate $1 million

429. in matching funds to a cause that's very dear to me.

430. So for the next three years, I'll be traveling overseas,

431. concentrating on all of my efforts on educating— mentoring,

432. some African, some Asian,

433. but mainly Eastern European women.

434. - I had no idea how pervasive this problem was until Bob

435. explained it to me.

436. - Oprah Winfrey's leadership academy

437. and other schools like it, while wonderful,

438. end with high school.

439. I wanna see these girls right through college.

440. Especially the gymnasts.

441. They've lost so many years

442. of crucial education

443. to perfecting their bodies.

444. Muscle groups the rest of us can't even fathom.

445. - Gymnasts?

446. You're going to seek out uneducated gymnasts?

447. - Yeah, so I'm hoping to identify some truly

448. exceptional women who show great promise.

449. Well, Andy, it's been fun.

450. Mm. Mm-hmm.

451. - It's been a great year.

452. - Hello.

453. - Where is it?

454. - They're testing it now.

455. - How long does it take to get the results?

456. - 72 hours.

457. - You're gonna wait here?

458. - Yes.

459. - Dwight, I can't do this. Dwight!

460. - Hey. - Senator Lipton.

461. - Hey, how are you? - You didn't call.

462. Well, the issue that concerned me...

463. You know what this is about...