The Office 8x23

Directed by Daniel Chun

Zach Woods as Gabe Lewis • Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer • Leslie David Baker as Stanley Hudson

Andy takes a break from flambéing cherries and composing rock operas to jumpstart his Dunder Mifflin comeback. When Robert drunkenly shuts down a nearby branch, Jim and Dwight join forces to outsmart a salesman from Scranton’s uglier sister city.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Oh, man, my delts are blasted.

2. a chart for how much protein powder to scoop

3. for a 180-pound man with no fat

4. Protein powder, huh? You cut it with water?

5. Why don't you just take estrogen?

6. Here

7. There you go, boys See how Papa takes care of you

8. people thought biceps were all that.

9. They'd flex them all night at the discotheque

10. all about core, huh?

11. Yeah

12. Core's critical

13. There are four tenets of Pilates that I live my life by.

14. One, lengthen

15. Two, elongate

16. Listen, guys. I think we all want to know the same thing, right?

17. Who's the strongest?

18. There's only one way to solve that

19. Thigh curl contest

20. All right, here we go, everybody

21. May the manliest man win

22. Go

23. Feast on this, Lewis

24. I love the burn The burn is where I live

25. Come on, Gabe. You can't handle his hamstrings.

26. You're getting hypno-thized

27. Speed set. One

28. One, two

29. Here, this is for your elbows For your elbows

30. Thank you You're welcome.

31. Five, six... - Seven

32. Quick phone call for you guys Keep going. Eight.

33. Nine

34. Hello? - Ten.

35. We got it?

36. Very funny, Jim

37. Yeah, Jim

38. Way to mock us for perfecting our bodies

39. Everyone, conference room Now.

40. All right Easy there, Grandpa

41. Okay, you don't need my help?

42. Here, here, just

43. Morning Hey

44. Somebody left in such a hurry this morning that she forgot

45. these Oh

46. You know, the only thing more delicious than your feet

47. is the feast that I am going to prepare for everyone.

48. Andy if you're going to hang out for a while

49. Uh.

50. What's this?

51. This dumb new rule Robert made

52. He just wants visitors to sign in

53. Is this Robert's attempt to embarrass me?

54. No, of course not

55. It's just... I think it's like if we make an exception for you

56. then we have to make an exception for the water guy

57. and then it's like, "Where does it end?' So, just...

58. Why is it when other people spend all their time at tee office,

59. they're rewarded for it and when I do it,

60. "It's a little much"?

61. Is it because I'm not an employee anymore?

62. Because that's what it feels like

63. All right enjoy the Illinois game

64. Good, we have a deal?

65. Thanks, Janet Thanks so much, Earl.

66. Wow. A simultaneous sale

67. And they said it couldn't be done. Boom. Screw them

68. A lot going on, guys What's happening?

69. The Binghamton branch closed last night

70. and all their clients are up for grabs

71. That was a fine branch

72. Things are really bad under Robert California I guess

73. It's like a festival of poo

74. Hey, come on, language

75. Yeah, and we're not interested in your sour grapes, okay?

76. Jim, tell him where he can stick his grapes.

77. In the fridge

78. No, Jim. The butt, in his butt

79. Sorry, man, I can't focus on zingers

80. There's too many potential clients.

81. You two better watch yourselves

82. Yeah, the Syracuse branch can't be happy

83. you're taking New York clients

84. Robert, why did Binghamton close?

85. Can everyone just Please

86. saturnalia last night

87. in celebration of the finalization of my divorce

88. of Australian reds

89. and, how should I say this Colombian whites.

90. Wait, what is this about Binghamton?

91. The branch closed, forever

92. Closing the Binghamton branch never occurred to me before today.

93. Or, I guess, last night

94. But, in vino veritas, as they say

95. I'm not going to start doubting my drunken self now

96. I got your voice mail from last night

97. Wonderful

98. And the answer is yes yes, yes, yes,

99. and never

100. Pam, when's the last time you lived so intensely

101. that your brain, literally, couldn't hold the memories in?

102. It was the summer

103. Apparently, I left a phone message

104. for Nellie last night, and I need you to find out what I said

105. Um, I am a little busy

106. Yes

107. Of course

108. Why don't you list the things that would keep you from helping me?

109. Yeah. I can make you a list

110. Let's do it now

111. What's number one?

112. Why don't I help you now? Okay There we go

113. Who the hell are Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute?

114. Jim, Dwight, what are your last names?

115. And you are?

116. Harry Jannerone, Dunder Mifflin Syracuse

117. What the hell's all this?

118. Cherries jubilee over home-made gelato

119. You live well down here in PA I want to talk to you guys right now

120. And Lloyd Gross, too

121. Which one's that guy?

122. The salesmen have a commission cap,

123. but we figured out a way around it

124. Lloyd Gross is a fictional salesman we invented to

125. How do I put this? Steal from the company, embezzle, to commit fraud

126. Okay, it sounds sketchy but it helps us get more money.

127. Yes

128. Pam made a drawing of Lloyd.

129. He is a blend of all the salesmen

130. There he is

131. That's Lloyd. Me?

132. Yeah, you

133. Where do you get off crossing state lines?

134. Now, we're actually closer to Binghamton than you are

135. kemo sabe

136. I like to think Lloyd Gross is a no-nonsense guy

137. who doesn't back down from anybody

138. and he calls people "kemo sabe.'

139. They're New York we're New York.

140. State line is the dividing line

141. That's the way it's always been

142. There's actually not a rule that says that. It's true

143. It's true. There's no rule. You can check the employee handbook

144. Can I check the employee handbook, Lloyd?

145. Does it say anything about me choking a man with my bare hands?

146. No

147. Wait, no? Are you kidding me? You told me there was a rule.

148. so many people by now

149. Stay out of my state It's in your best interest to stay out of my state

150. I've seen guys like you, big guys

151. who like to push the little guys around

152. Lloyd Gross eats bullies like you for breakfast

153. Stay out of New York, Lloyd

154. Text from the old wife I'm going to take that.

155. How about this, why don't we just ask Robert?

156. Can we all agree that maybe the CEO should decide this?

157. Robert's here?

158. Look at us, bickering like school girls

159. looking around the room for things to hit each other with

160. were doing that

161. Chair, lamp, plant, table leg Jim's leg

162. Where's the Advil, Jim? I think I've hit my limit on the Tylenol...

163. Sorry, not Jim

164. Andrew, what do we have to do to get rid of you?

165. Hire you back and send Erin back to Florida?

166. Message received loud and clear

167. Just have to get the caramelized sugar

168. off the pan before it dries

169. Oh, for God's sake

170. Robert California what a surprise you're here in Scranton

171. Harry

172. So, why would you close Binghamton down

173. without a transition plan in place?

174. How do you mean?

175. No, no, no, kid, stay there Do your dishes. Go ahead

176. Harry, there is a time for every decision

177. predetermined many years ago

178. There's no benefit in questioning why

179. this particular decision seems

180. so poorly timed

181. Okay, what are you deciding? We get a say.

182. Listen Robert, I don't have time. There's a big client in play

183. Prestige Direct Mail Solutions

184. used to be Binghamton's Don't listen to him.

185. Nope I want it. It's mine

186. Prestige is ours

187. Okay, they're responsible for half of the junk ma

188. on the eastern seaboard We get them.

189. We already put a call in to them, Robert

190. We need you to make a decision

191. Make a decision. I have decided

192. Neither of you are to have any contact

193. with either Prestige or any other Binghamton client

194. until I've figured out how to divide things up

195. As Solomon once said

196. There's some bizarre energy in this place today.

197. Robert going off the rails, making some funky decisions

198. Like why is nobody going to call on Prestige?

199. That is a huge client

200. They could give their business to

201. the first person to walk in the door.

202. Could be any idiot.

203. Any idiot at all.

204. Shaping a company is in a sense, similar to training a geisha.

205. You have to mold not merely the physical form

206. but also the character The two must harmonize

207. Are they still there?

208. They want a decision who gets the big client

209. They can wait

210. I'll still be talking about geishas long past their bedtime

211. You know, I trained as one

212. Is it just me or is our boss a freaking weirdo?

213. I'm going to get some air

214. Jim, you know what would be really dastardly?

215. If we snuck out of here and got to the client first

216. He's running

217. Damn it

218. What... What is this supposed to be?

219. It's a monkey

220. Jim, get real. This is not a monkey

221. It's got a hula skirt and a blue nose.

222. Hold on. Hold on Is this him?

223. What? Is that him?

224. It's him! Do something Get out! Go!

225. What? What am I going to do? I don't

226. Go slash his tires Go dent his hood!

227. That's it?

228. That's great. That's like a 5-second delay

229. Dwight

230. Go

231. Does this thing have turbo? Nitrous? Hit the NOS

232. NOS? You mean like in Fast & Furious?

233. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I definitely have NOS

234. Hit the NOS. Are you sure?

235. Yes. We got it! Go! Brace yourself. Three, two, one

236. Here we go

237. Hello Andy Bernard to see the CEO

238. Oh. Do you have an appointment?

239. No, I do not

240. Okay. I think I can squeeze you in

241. Seriously?

242. Because I could just be anyone. I thought

243. I was going to have to convince you

244. He's really not that busy

245. Is there someone here to see me?

246. Yes. This man

247. Come on in

248. So, what do you make of this Robert California guy?

249. What does a guy like that do on an average weeknight

250. I'll tell you what he does

251. Hello. Hello, my clucking hens

252. Got room for another in the roost?

253. Huh? Don't worry I won't lay an egg

254. Robert sent me to take over if Pam fails

255. If?

256. crunching numbers all day

257. Math is for boys

258. Did someone say "girl talk?'

259. Sometimes I wonder if I have ovaries in my scrotum

260. because I am great at girl talk

261. Have you guys been watching any good Korean soap operas?

262. I'm pretty deep into Hee-Jung Cinderella Girl.

263. Although, I definitely fast-forward through the Yung Tae storylines

264. Do you think I'd like that? Or is it important to have an Asian fetish?

265. I think you're going to need to have an Asian fetish. Yeah

266. It'll be upsetting if you don't

267. I'm a former paper executive I know the product. I know the margins

268. 25% on your costs

269. Why haven't I heard of you? You got any references?

270. No. I'm a rogue

271. Uh-huh. Which is the best part

272. That means you will be my first customer

273. and your business will get 100% of my attention.

274. Now, I have written down my personal phone number

275. You call this any time

276. Every salesman I've ever met has given me his personal phone number

277. Of course they have, which is why I'm giving you

278. a key to my house

279. Whatever you need, any time night or day, you just stop on by.

280. You want me to drive to your house if I need paper?

281. Maybe you just want someone to talk to,

282. maybe you need a place to crash for a couple of days

283. My wireless password is "eat, pray, love.'

284. Easy to remember

285. Ready? Go, go, go

286. You all right? Yeah.

287. Dwight, what are you doing?

288. Shh

289. Go! Go! Take the stairs, now What are you talking about?

290. Just run! Take the stairs! I don't even know where the stairs are

291. I'll stall him. Go

292. What are you doing?

293. I'm going to activate the seismic fail-safe

294. We'll be stuck between floors for hours

295. Oh

296. My pants fell down What?

297. My pants fell down I don't have a belt!

298. Hello, sir, good day. Dwight K. Schrute Dunder Mifflin Scranton

299. Forgive my pants they fell down.

300. An appointment with Mr. Ramish, please Right now is fine.

301. No, no, no. I was here first Dwight K. Schrute Dunder Mifflin Scranton.

302. Hi, guys. What's going on?

303. Mr. Ramish, Harry Jannerone Dunder Mifflin Syracuse.

304. I was here first. Sorry about this mix-up Okay.

305. I already made an appointment with your secretary

306. Let me stop you all right here

307. I've already picked a new paper supplier

308. Wait, it's not DM Utica, is it?

309. No, no, it's not Dunder Mifflin at all, actually. It's Big Red Paper Company

310. Big Red Paper Company?

311. Mmm-hmm

312. Yes, yes, yes

313. Get me a cup of coffee

314. Me too

315. Or do you also have a monopoly on thirst?

316. All right, guys, it didn't work out for any of us,

317. so we're still on the same team

318. Let me get these No

319. Let him get his own He's got Syracuse money

320. You know your partner's got a lot of attitude, but I like that.

321. How long you guys been dating?

322. Jim couldn't land me in a thousand years.

323. But you're saying there's a chance.

324. Shut up

325. Hey

326. Excellent. Excellent

327. Though troubling that your first instinct is thievery.

328. What do you want from me?

329. Now we get to the bottom of Nellie's, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, never.'

330. Hello, Nell, it's Mum.

331. Do keep your chin up. It can't possibly be as bad as you describe.

332. Oh, yes, it can

333. This is MasterCard. You are over the limit.

334. Send the minimum payment of $448 by Monday,

335. or we will be forced to send it to collections.

336. Shopaholic

337. Sounds like it. Yeah

338. Hi, sis. Is your boss still hitting on you?

339. This is Annie from Second Nests.

340. I'm sorry, but the Romanian orphanage felt more comfortable

341. with a two-person nuclear family than a single mother,

342. so we're going to hold out for that. Okay, that's enough

343. No, no, no Pam, we need to get to the bottom of this

344. No. No. Come on. Come on

345. Robert, okay... So, I deleted them all They're all deleted.

346. Pam, you've completely bungled this

347. Ah

348. Hey

349. Can I do it, Pam? Can I pull off a gold Arabian sandal?

350. Um

351. Yes. Definitely. With your hair, certainly

352. You dropped your cell phone

353. Oh, gosh. Yep

354. Thank you. I'm so stupid

355. No. My goodness you just

356. You have a lot going on with Robert and everything

357. Oh, God, Pam, don't get me started

358. No, I will not

359. You've just got me started

360. Robert is a filthy beast

361. Don't you get the feeling every time he looks at you,

362. he's just thinking of 15 different ways to do you?

363. Well

364. The man talks of nothing but sex.

365. Sometimes he talks about flesh and bacchanals.

366. Oh, yeah

367. what he left on my phone last night

368. No. Don't. Just put it out of your mind

369. Pam, what is your address?

370. I'm going to send you a pair of these gold harem shoes

371. Oh. No, you don't Yes

372. Come on, a little gold Arabian slipper

373. Things are looking up

374. I have MasterCard right where I want them

375. and I have a new friend

376. A friend

377. At work

378. Erin

379. There's a call for you on line 1

380. Who is it?

381. He says, "Salvation.' No last name.

382. Yeah, hello

383. You once put me on a list of the losers in the office

384. This loser just got your biggest client

385. to give him all their business

386. So, hire me back, that business is yours.

387. Don't, and I will find another buyer

388. You're blackmailing me

389. It's just business

390. some ineffectual, privileged

391. effete, soft-penised debutant

392. You want to start a street fight with me, bring it on,

393. but you're going to be surprised by how ugly it gets

394. You don't even know my real name I'm the * Lizard King

395. Whoa

396. Well, I gave him a chance

397. Andy Bernard?

398. You got a minute?

399. I'm in the middle of a piano lesson

400. I wanted to see if could interest you in an investment

401. Dunder Mifflin

402. Dunder Mifflin Now, why would I want that?

403. It's worth half what it was three years ago

404. Exactly

405. And you know better than anyone that with the right management

406. it could be worth twice what you would pay for it today

407. Why don't you come in?

408. So, what would you do if you weren't selling paper?

409. Oh, man, I'd have to sell beets

410. probably submit them for competition

411. What?

412. Yeah, I know it sounds stupid,

413. but nationals has always kind of been a dream of mine.

414. How have we never talked about this before?

415. Wait, you don't even care about nationals

416. Nothing?

417. I've always wanted to own a bike shop, but

418. What about you?

419. I'd like to sell one big thing, you know?

420. Like a plane

421. One sale. I'm out

422. That sounds lovely

423. Anyway, Robert's going to run this company into the ground

424. so we won't be doing this in six months.