1. Woo! Wow, it is raining
cats and dogs out there.
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2. Holy moly.
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3. Phyllis says the same
12 cliches every time it rains.
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4. So... I promised everyone that if
she says them all by noon today,
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5. I will send out
for hot chocolates.
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6. So how's the drive in?
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7. Oh, nobody knows
how to drive in the rain.
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8. You don't say?
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9. Yeah, you know the roads
are actually the slickest
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10. in the first half hour?
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11. Oh, the plants
are gonna love this.
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12. I actually sleep better
when it's raining.
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13. Tell me about it.
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14. Time's almost up.
How many are left?
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15. Just one.
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16. "This weather makes me
to stay at home,
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17. curled up
with a good book."
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18. Phyllis.
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19. This rain... Does it make you
wanna be doing something?
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20. What do you mean?
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21. You know,
like aren't some things
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22. just so nice and cozy
in the rain?
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23. Hey, come on.
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24. Lots of things
are cozy in the rain.
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25. And that's noon.
Exactly.
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26. I mean, normally the rain
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27. would make me
want to stay at home,
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28. curled up with a good book.
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29. But everybody's being
so nice to me today.
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30. I'm really happy being here.
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31. Anyway, I know
it's the end of the day.
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32. We just wanted to stop by
and say hi.
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33. - Welcome home.
- Thank you.
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34. - Hey, Kev!
- Yeah.
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35. - Nice... sweater.
- Thank you.
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36. Nellie was nice enough
to give it to me.
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37. She's sweet.
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38. I just wish there was pockets.
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39. What happened to Old Salty?
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40. Nellie let me bobblize him.
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41. His name is now Captain Mutato.
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42. I've written quite a bit
of X-Men fan fiction.
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43. Captain Mutato is half man,
half mermaid.
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44. So he can fight crime as a man,
and make love as a mermaid.
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45. Most of my writing involves
the latter.
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46. Okie doke.
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47. Yes?
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48. Whoa.
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49. Well, you must be the famous
Nellie Bertram
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50. I've been hearing all about.
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51. I am the famous Andy Bernard
you've been hearing all about.
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52. Oh, yes.
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53. I just want to thank you
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54. for jumping in
and minding the store
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55. during my temporary absence.
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56. You are most welcome.
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57. Anyway, now that I'm back,
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58. I would love
to have my office back
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59. whenever you get a chance.
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60. No.
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61. Obviously, we'll figure out
the, uh, logistics
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62. of moving all of this stuff
out of here.
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63. But... You know,
the sooner the better.
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64. - Mm-hmm.
- Get back to normalcy.
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65. Hmm, no.
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66. And then just lay him
in his crib,
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67. and then bicycle his legs.
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68. And then after Jim quiets down,
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69. you do the same thing
with your baby.
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70. But if he keeps having problems,
just give me a call.
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71. Oh, my gosh.
Thank you so much.
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72. But seriously,
we don't wanna bother you
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73. - any more than we already have.
- That's it.
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74. It's no bother.
You guys are our friends.
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75. Ravi, our amazing pediatrician,
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76. was asking us
if we knew any girls.
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77. And I said
I know the perfect girl.
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78. Yep.
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79. Because Kelly is Indian, and...
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80. Oh, that's it.
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81. Race had nothing to do with it.
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82. I just knew
they'd be good together.
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83. Why!
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84. Kelly has been a handful
in the past.
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85. But she's had a bad influence.
She's like an addict.
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86. And I just had
to get her clean.
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87. Get lower.
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88. Um, also, little tip,
never shake the baby.
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89. Sorry, just to be clear,
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90. you're saying do not shake
the baby.
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91. Don't shake the baby.
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92. Um, a lot times,
parents get frustrated
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93. 'cause the baby's crying
and they shake the baby.
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94. And you gotta—
You can't do that.
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95. - Don't shake our baby?
- Yeah.
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96. Okay. I'd never heard
that before.
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97. - So, thank you.
- Oh, my God.
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98. Yeah, I'm glad
you said something.
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99. Me too.
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100. Kelly and I broke up and
she can do whatever she wants.
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101. And her new boyfriend
seems awesome...
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102. If you're into Indian people.
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103. I'm not.
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104. Hey, um...
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105. What's the deal with this guy?
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106. He's really into Kelly, huh?
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107. Yeah, they're really great
together.
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108. Maybe we weren't
right together,
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109. but... it's weird.
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110. I'd rather she be alone
than with somebody.
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111. Is that love?
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112. That's about it, yeah.
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113. Nellie!
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114. You've been terrific
in your interim capacity.
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115. But,
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116. Andrew is the rightful manager,
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117. so if you would just
give him his office—
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118. - No.
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119. I'm sorry.
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120. This is what
I was trying to tell you.
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121. I'm not accustomed
to people saying no to me.
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122. Oh, Bobby,
get accustomed to it,
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123. because then it feels good
when they finally say yes.
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124. You're both adults.
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125. I'm sure you can...
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126. figure this out
between yourselves.
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127. I never allow sexual desire to
influence a business decision.
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128. So I find it best to...
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129. recuse myself temporarily
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130. until I've had a chance
to make love,
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131. and then go back and...
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132. analyze the situation
rationally.
Copy !req
133. Buffett operates the same way.
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134. I'm gonna count down from five,
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135. and if are not
out of my office,
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136. I'm going to dock
your pay $100.
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137. Okay.
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138. Five... four...
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139. You can't dock my pay.
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140. Angela!
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141. Dock Andy's pay $100!
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142. On it!
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143. Great!
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144. Um, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
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145. Angela... Please dock
Nellie's pay $100.
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146. Angela?
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147. - Do you want to go again?
- Angela?
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148. Let's go again.
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149. 5... 4...
Ooh, she's counting again.
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150. - 3... 2... 1.
- Oh, oh!
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151. Angela, $200!
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152. You got it.
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153. Seriously, Angela?
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154. I got a little bit
of an anger problem.
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155. Got me in some trouble
a couple years ago.
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156. When I see him start
to get mad, I just...
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157. Put my hand on his arm
like this.
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158. I know what, let's go...
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159. $10,000.
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160. 5... 4...
You're just saying numbers.
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161. It's meaningless.
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162. - 3...
- It's literally like...
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163. 2...
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164. One.
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165. There you go.
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166. Hey, we're gonna have
a nice, hot date.
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167. Hey. So last night was so not
a big deal.
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168. Oh, yeah, I was just tired.
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169. - We both were.
- Yeah.
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170. Plus, I was definitely
not my normal sexy self.
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171. Whoa. No.
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172. Are you kidding?
You were so sexy.
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173. Just the thought of you
last night, like,
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174. crazy turns me on.
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175. It just didn't last night.
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176. It's not a big deal.
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177. Yeah.
I know it's not... a big deal.
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178. I found this the other day
while I was journaling,
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179. and... they reminded me
of you.
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180. Oh, those are from
our weekend at the Timeshare.
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181. Yeah, the fractional
ownership property.
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182. Oh, we took this one
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183. right before we got
in that huge fight.
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184. I don't even remember
what that fight was about.
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185. You were being really bratty
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186. about where we would
go out to dinner.
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187. But—
All I remember...
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188. is how pretty you looked
taking those pictures of me.
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189. Anyway, if you wanna order
prints of your own,
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190. I can send you the link.
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191. I'm in love with Kelly Kapoor.
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192. And I don't know
how I'm gonna feel tomorrow
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193. or the next day
or the day after that,
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194. but I do know that right here,
right now,
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195. all I can think about
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196. is spending
the rest of my life with her.
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197. Again, that could change.
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198. When you lost
the manager job...
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199. Yes?
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200. Did it affect you
outside of the office?
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201. How?
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202. I don't know
what the technical term is.
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203. Hmm.
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204. Penial...
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205. softiosis.
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206. Erin, I am so glad
that you trusted me.
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207. You came to the exact
right person for this.
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208. No, I have never once
experienced
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209. anything remotely like that.
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210. Never.
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211. - Oh... okay.
- Okay?
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212. Okay.
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213. - Washington Monument.
- Okay.
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214. - Eiffel Tower.
- Okay, okay.
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215. Hmm.
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216. I saw you were getting along
with Ryan again.
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217. He's so sweet.
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218. He pointed to my latte
and he said,
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219. "Kelly, that will be
the color of our children."
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220. Yeah, he's so great.
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221. Remember how it felt
when he cheated on you though?
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222. Which time?
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223. I am not going to let Kelly
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224. throw her life away on Ryan.
Copy !req
225. And it has nothing to do
with access to my pediatrician.
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226. Why you would even ask
or were going to ask,
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227. because I— I feel like
that question was coming.
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228. One of Toby's eyes
is getting smaller.
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229. So there's that.
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230. Gabe bragged about having
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231. an extra ticket
to the air show this weekend.
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232. And Meredith said
she was interested,
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233. and then Gabe said immediately
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234. that his friend might be
taking the ticket.
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235. So I'll keep you posted
on that.
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236. Every day, I brief Nellie on
what's going on in the office.
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237. Most of it's irrelevant.
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238. But a good informer doesn't
judge what's worth passing on.
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239. Oh, and Andy lost
his masculinity,
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240. so congratulations on that.
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241. What do you mean?
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242. Erin made it clear to me
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243. that he was unable to perform
sexually last night.
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244. By contrast, I went to sleep
with an erection so large
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245. it was like I was wearing
no blanket at all.
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246. Wow, I knew you'd win,
but you just demolished him!
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247. I'm a little bit jealous, actually.
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248. Reduced him to a mere ant.
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249. I just wanted to take
the man's job, not his manhood.
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250. Okay, I would like
to invite everyone
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251. into the conference room.
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252. You can't call a meeting.
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253. But I would like
to have a meeting
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254. in the conference room
right now!
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255. So let's get
in the conference room.
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256. Thank you.
Good.
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257. Thank you for coming
to my meeting.
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258. Okay, if you would like
to take a seat,
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259. - we can get started.
- Oh!
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260. Can't do it
'cause I gotta run a meeting.
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261. - So.
- No.
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262. Wanted to talk
to all of you guys
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263. about importance...
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264. and know that each
and every one of you
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265. is vitally important.
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266. Andrew, not everyone here
is important.
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267. And the word is impotence.
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268. Which is important
in its own way.
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269. So if you'd just like
to take a seat, Andy.
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270. "Take a man's job,
but leave him his balls."
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271. Margaret Thatcher
said that... probably.
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272. Don't know.
Don't read.
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273. Didn't see the movie.
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274. This meeting is not about
any one person in particular.
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275. It is a human problem.
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276. It's not just a human problem.
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277. Flounders frequently
experience impotence,
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278. especially when converting
from male to female
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279. and then back again to male.
Copy !req
280. Nellie, does the person
affected by this
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281. want us to help her
in any way in particular?
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282. Oh, oh, it's not me.
No, no.
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283. I've never had any problem
in that arena.
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284. And I have been with several
older men.
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285. - How old?
- How old?
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286. Jinx. Buy me some coke.
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287. Dwight told me
about it earlier.
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288. Dwight!
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289. You promised.
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290. Dwight couldn't get it up
for Nellie?
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291. No, no, no, no.
It's not me.
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292. I'm gonna prove it
right here and now.
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293. - What are you doing?
- What is this?
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294. - Stop that!
- Dwight!
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295. Dwight, stop that.
Stop it.
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296. Fine, it was me.
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297. I couldn't— I had a problem
with Erin last night.
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298. Happy?
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299. I had a lot on my mind
last night...
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300. and I didn't perform.
Copy !req
301. Okay? It happens
to plenty of guys.
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302. It's usually not followed
by a giant workplace discussion
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303. and an interview.
Copy !req
304. Every guy in this room
has been touched
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305. by this affliction.
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306. Tuna.
T-dog!
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307. Um...
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308. Um...
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309. I have other issues.
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310. I'm terrible at math.
Overweight.
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311. You—
You're in great shape.
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312. A lot better shape than I am,
tell you what.
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313. It seems Andy is the only one
with this problem.
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314. - Fascinating.
- Fascinating.
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315. I don't really see
what the problem is.
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316. Erin doesn't even like sex,
remember?
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317. You said it feels like
getting tackled by a skeleton.
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318. Chumbo, come on, help me out.
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319. Any problems
with little Chumbo?
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320. Tip-top shape.
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321. Oh... Stanley.
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322. No.
Mm-mm.
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323. Creed, you are 1,000 years old.
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324. Haven't heard any complaints.
Wouldn't care if I did.
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325. Okay, so I-I-I—
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326. Actually, Andy,
I think maybe we experienced it.
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327. What happened?
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328. - That a couple of times—
- Couple of times.
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329. Jim, maybe you could tell us
about one of those times.
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330. - Yeah, Jim.
- Get it out there.
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331. Um... I don't—
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332. Uh, yes, that time
that it was very late.
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333. Uh, we'd had sex
so many times already,
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334. I was exhausted.
I could barely see.
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335. - Okay, stop.
- I was very drunk.
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336. If it makes you
feel any better,
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337. I never had an orgasm
until I was 42.
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338. And then when I did,
it lasted till I was 44.
Copy !req
339. 43 was ju—
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340. I got nothing done.
Copy !req
341. I've read— And I don't know
anything about this personally—
Copy !req
342. But they say prostate
stimulation can help.
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343. Ugh.
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344. This is just—
Copy !req
345. This American Life
I think I heard it on.
Copy !req
346. No, that's absolutely the case.
Copy !req
347. I know, right?
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348. You know, my rectal
electro-ejaculator
Copy !req
349. is rated for bovine use only,
Copy !req
350. but I could let you rent it.
Copy !req
351. Andy, why don't you tell us
Copy !req
352. about the best erection
of your life?
Copy !req
353. Or does anyone else have
any remarkable erections
Copy !req
354. they'd like to share?
Copy !req
355. Wow, what are we talking about?
Copy !req
356. Toby, doesn't HR have
some rules against talking
Copy !req
357. about this kind of stuff?
Copy !req
358. Erin, HR is a joke.
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359. I can't do anything
about anything.
Copy !req
360. The most important thing
to remember
Copy !req
361. is do not stress about this.
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362. Stress just makes it worse,
Copy !req
363. and then you stress more.
Copy !req
364. And that's a vicious spiral.
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365. I almost didn't come in today.
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366. Dad, don't think of it
as a demotion.
Copy !req
367. Just think of it as a promotion
to a lower level.
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368. I don't think you have
to tell your friends anything.
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369. It hasn't been decided yet.
Copy !req
370. Erin, on phone memos,
Copy !req
371. you're righting the date
American style.
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372. Month, day, year.
I prefer it day, month, year.
Copy !req
373. Small, bigger, biggest.
Copy !req
374. Oh, sexual innuendo.
Not intentional.
Copy !req
375. Shut up!
Copy !req
376. Shut up!
Copy !req
377. I am sick of your dumb
opinions.
Copy !req
378. And if you don't like the way
that I take phone messages,
Copy !req
379. here.
Copy !req
380. Take 'em yourself!
Copy !req
381. Oh, and another thing.
Copy !req
382. Our sex life is none
of your businesses!
Copy !req
383. And Andy is the manager,
not Nellie!
Copy !req
384. Stop protecting me.
I'm a man— I can protect myself.
Copy !req
385. This is misdirected anger
and I'm sorry.
Copy !req
386. I don't mean to lash out
at you.
Copy !req
387. There's a lot coming up
right now, all at once!
Copy !req
388. Dad, go to hell!
I'm taller than you!
Copy !req
389. Okay, just calm down.
Copy !req
390. You are not the manager.
Copy !req
391. I earned that job.
Copy !req
392. I was personally chosen after
Robert was chosen and quit.
Copy !req
393. Andy, why don't you just
take a seat?
Copy !req
394. Why don't you
take a seat, you idiot?
Copy !req
395. And why don't you
take all your stupid memos
Copy !req
396. and your stupid pens...
and your dumb caramels?
Copy !req
397. - And your stupid face!
- Oh.
Copy !req
398. And your stupid office!
Copy !req
399. - Ah!
- Ow.
Copy !req
400. He does not like that wall.
Copy !req
401. Maybe we'll get sent to
anger management together.
Copy !req
402. That would actually be cool.
Copy !req
403. I'd love for you to meet
some of the guys.
Copy !req
404. Andy, Erin,
you can join us now.
Copy !req
405. Hey, I hear you been
bad-mouthing me to Kelly.
Copy !req
406. All I did was remind her that
you used to treat her badly.
Copy !req
407. Well, that's your opinion
and it's her opinion,
Copy !req
408. but it's not my opinion.
Copy !req
409. If you have something bad
to say to me, Pam,
Copy !req
410. say it to my face.
Copy !req
411. Fair enough.
Um...
Copy !req
412. I don't think
you're a very good person.
Copy !req
413. And forgive me, but I feel like
I've said this to you before.
Copy !req
414. I don't like you very much.
Copy !req
415. Well, a lot of people would say
Copy !req
416. that I'm a better match
for Kelly than Ravi is.
Copy !req
417. Oh, come on, Ryan.
Really?
Copy !req
418. - Ravi's way better.
- For Kelly?
Copy !req
419. Yeah.
Copy !req
420. Man, you're insane right now.
Ravi's the whole package.
Copy !req
421. I've never met Ravi personally,
Copy !req
422. but I'm gonna go ahead and say
Copy !req
423. just having knowing
you short while, Brian,
Copy !req
424. that I prefer Ravi.
Copy !req
425. And again, I've never even
met the guy.
Copy !req
426. Kelly, I wrote you
the most amazing love poem.
Copy !req
427. But I can't even read it.
Copy !req
428. My heart couldn't handle it.
Copy !req
429. - Oh, come.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Copy !req
430. Read it, please.
I love amazing poetry.
Copy !req
431. No, it would cause me
too much pain.
Copy !req
432. Read through the pain.
Be strong.
Copy !req
433. This poem would crush you!
Copy !req
434. Ryan, go away!
Copy !req
435. She found herself
a beautiful boyfriend!
Copy !req
436. Yeah, man,
he's absolutely gorgeous.
Copy !req
437. - Please leave her alone.
- You see, Kelly?
Copy !req
438. Our love scares them.
Copy !req
439. It screws up
their cookie-cutter world.
Copy !req
440. Ravi makes me incredibly happy.
Copy !req
441. And Ryan puts me
through so much drama.
Copy !req
442. So I guess
I just have to decide
Copy !req
443. which of those
is more important to me.
Copy !req
444. Andy, we're going
to go with Nellie as manager
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445. and put you back
on the sales team.
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446. I promise you, in time,
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447. we'll all laugh
about this incident.
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448. I already think
it's kinda funny.
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449. No.
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450. Excuse me?
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451. I'm saying no.
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452. - Well, you can't say no.
- No.
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453. Oh, boo!
Boo!
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454. Pam.
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455. - Boo to you! Boo!
- You are toxic.
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456. You are toxic!
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457. Kelly, I have a few things
to say to you,
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458. - and please don't interrupt.
- I wasn't going to interrupt.
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459. Well, you do a lot,
so just don't— Thank you.
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460. I know that I haven't always
treated you the way that you,
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461. for whatever reason,
feel you deserve to be treated.
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462. But I wanna marry you,
Kelly Kapoor.
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463. Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow.
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464. But someday.
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465. And probably.
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466. Barf!
Ugh, you suck!
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467. What is your problem?
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
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468. Can we turn this back around
quickly, please?
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469. Can we turn this around
quickly?
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470. - This is very important to me.
- Betsy, turn around.
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471. Turn around.
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472. Turn around!
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473. Help me turn this fucking
thing around, please.
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474. - Thank you.
- She don't wanna turn around.
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475. Thank you.
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476. Kelly, I can't promise you
that we'll always stay together.
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477. I can't promise you
that I'll never cheat on you.
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478. Nor should I.
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479. Modern marriages
aren't built that way.
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480. Men aren't built that way.
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481. There's a very interesting
article I can email to you.
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482. But I can tell you this.
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483. Even if the odds are 50/50 that
we'll break up within the week,
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484. I wanna roll those dice.
I love you, Kelly.
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485. Ryan.
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486. Will you roll those dice
with me?
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487. You mean so much to me.
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488. But... I love Ravi
and I choose him.
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489. - No, you don't.
- I do.
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490. No, you don't.
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491. I hope we can still be friends.
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492. Can I have a hug?
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493. What?
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494. This was really cool.
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495. Well, it's good to see
Kelly's maturing.
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496. Oh, God.
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497. Look, Andrew, we can discuss
the specifics of the job.
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498. No.
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499. It's the apology.
I really have to insist.
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500. - No.
- Stop saying no.
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501. No.
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502. Andrew, if you say no
one more time, you're fired.
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503. So... is there anything else
you wanna say?
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504. No.
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505. I can't describe it.
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506. I just, for the first time
in a long time,
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507. I actually feel in control.
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508. - I feel... alive.
- Here.
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509. A-da, da, da, da.
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510. I got it.
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511. - But you hurt your hand.
- I... got it.
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512. - Right now?
- Yes.
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513. You're not a least a bit
curious to hear a poem
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514. straight from Ryan's soul?
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515. Not at all.
Can we go?
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516. Kapoor and Kadesperate.
He watches...
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517. - Second line.
- He is a drifter out to see...
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518. It went the Indian Ocean in calms,
one speck of white remains
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519. and waters called and Kelly grinned.
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520. It's just so dumb...
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521. but when he describes
himself as a child,
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522. lost and...
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523. Ryan can never know.
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