The Office 8x20

Directed by Ed Helms

Zach Woods as Gabe Lewis • Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer • Leslie David Baker as Stanley Hudson

Robert California forces the office to throw a welcome party for Nellie, but the Party Planning Committee works on ways to sabotage it. Meanwhile, Erin tries to help Andy figure out a way to break up with Jessica.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hey, Jim Stanley's back from the hospital today.

2. Can you sign his card? Oh, great

3. "Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a mustachectomy."

4. That's not good

5. Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious

6. It's nice. It's funny

7. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes

8. a funny little joke about his mustache

9. Stanley doesn't have a mustache

10. Yeah, he does

11. Pam, hit the brakes Stanley does not have a mustache.

12. I think he has a mustache

13. Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day

14. Phyllis, does he have a mustache or not?

15. Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't

16. Phyllis, what are you talking

17. The whole card depends on this

18. Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years

19. How can none of us picture his face?

20. Because we come here to do our jobs

21. We don't stick our noses in other people's business

22. Okay. Which one of these looks more right?

23. Neither of those looks like any person

24. that has ever existed or been dreamt of

25. in the history of human insanity

26. That said the one on the left

27. Guys, that's the elevator What if it's him?

28. Okay, quick, who says "mustache"?

29. Yep

30. Who says "no mustache"?

31. Ah!

32. Hey! He does have one

33. Yes

34. Welcome back, Stanley.

35. "Good morning, Robert,' says no one

36. because our receptionist is in Florida.

37. Pam Oh

38. Is this a video conference you're having with "Drake featuring Swizz Beatz"?

39. Um, no, I was just having a cup of coffee

40. kind of warming up for the day.

41. People, you should come to work already warm

42. 9:00 to 10:00 a.m. is the most productive potential that human beings...

43. Sorry! Sorry, everyone I'm late

44. but you are all here, so no harm done at a by my lateness

45. Nellie, really, 9:50

46. Oh, here's what happened.

47. 7:46, my alarm clock goes off, I hear it, whack the snooze.

48. Nine minutes. Buzz, off it goes again, whack

49. Seven more times I did that Buzz, whack, buzz, whack.

50. By the time I got up, it was 10 minutes ago

51. No will power That is my curse

52. I've never believed will power was very important in a woman

53. would have shown up to work

54. nearly an hour late for no reason.

55. Oh, I assure you I would have done

56. I did And I'll keep doing it

57. No, no, there's something going on some stress in your life.

58. Well, yes, there is the whole moving to Scranton nonsense

59. Thirty boxes arrived yesterday from England and two trunks from Florida.

60. Then, I have to move into my apartment

61. in this dreadful, God knows where it is

62. backwater, suburb of a suburb

63. and I mean no offense, but are there

64. a lot of Irish people living around here?

65. Yes - Oh

66. No offense

67. None taken

68. Actually, Nellie, this monologue you're delivering is very offensive.

69. Ooh! Ay caramba! The natives are getting restless.

70. Who's a native?

71. Excuse me, the tone here is getting quite hostile

72. I would appreciate it if you would keep that stuff

73. on the basketball court

74. What does that mean? Okay, okay

75. If you'd let me finish

76. Or the squash court or the supreme court Hmm?

77. Nellie? Yes, Robert

78. You're clearly under a lot of stress with the moving

79. and the work situation you've found yourself in

80. Yeah

81. Let's help her out shall we?

82. Go above and beyond today

83. to show her some of that warm Scranton hospitality

84. Jim, Dwight, take the day

85. Help Nellie move those boxes into her new place

86. Why Jim? What?

87. The rest of you, let's throw a party at the end of the day

88. to welcome the newest member of our little community.

89. I'm sorry, we're throwing a party for someone

90. because they're being horrible?

91. I'm sorry. We're taking work time

92. to move someone's personal belongings into their new apartment

93. I'm still not sure why this woman is even here!

94. Why is she here?

95. Two crazy kids on the journey of life

96. Going to Pennsylvania

97. On the road with my new girlfriend

98. But first, a small pit stop to break up with my current girlfriend,

99. who is at her parents' cabin in southern Pennsylvania

100. Oh, that must be nice

101. Mmm-hmm

102. It's a beautiful place Great place to let her down easy.

103. Oh, no, no I meant that must be nice to have parents.

104. Oh. Hmm

105. Time to have a little kiss

106. No

107. Mmm. Sorry, right

108. No kisses until the breakup is official Yes

109. I believe in that Yes, so do I

110. I think that's important. That is important. Bummer, but important

111. Important. Mmm-hmm

112. I can't believe he's making us throw a party for her

113. She's always late she's always rude

114. It kind of makes me want to throw a really bad party.

115. Yeah

116. On purpose

117. Phyllis

118. We should do it right here in the break room

119. Ooh

120. Order carrot cake

121. And Jessica just so you know

122. this is way more about my love for Erin than anything wrong with you

123. Well, Andy, I'm upset, but you did this in the best way possible

124. and I knew you as a lover and I'll remember you as a gentleman.

125. Okay. That was one minute and 10 seconds

126. Consider it nailed

127. should try it again

128. This time worst case scenario

129. Okay, here we go. Jessica, I'm really sorry. I just need you to know

130. What?

131. I just need you to know

132. What? I didn't sleep well last night

133. Ow

134. Nellie, that reminds me do you want this chair in the bedroom?

135. 'Cause I don't think it's going to fit through the door

136. Don't listen to Jim. Have you ever seen him play Tetris?

137. "Oh, I think I'll just use this line horizontally

138. "Oh, I have no idea what a gift this line is.'

139. That was one time

140. I will get the chair in. Watch the great "Schrut-ini" work his magic

141. Oh, no, really? Magic, no, no, no let's not go there

142. No, nothing is more repellent than magicians

143. Bunch of grown men waving wands

144. pulling bunnies out of body crevices

145. Magicians are repulsive Next topic

146. Excuse me, one second

147. Hi - Hey, what's up?

148. Oh, nothing, just hauling some cube with Dwight.

149. Hauling cube

150. That's moving boxes

151. We just came up with the term to make it sound cooler

152. So, we're planning this party for Nellie,

153. and we're going to make it really bad.

154. It sounds like every other party

155. No, we're going to make it like a prank

156. like order bad food, give her this passive-aggressive card

157. Oh, hire a magician

158. What?

159. Trust me Okay.

160. Wow, there's a lot of cars here This is just weird.

161. Andy. Hi, what are you doing here?

162. Hey, Lauren look at you.

163. I'm just on my way back from this business trip

164. thought I'd stop and say hi to Jessica

165. Aw

166. Why is Erin with me? That's a great question

167. She is my co-worker and she needed a ride because she totaled her car

168. Oh, God

169. So I'm Erin Yeah, this is Erin

170. Hi. Nice to meet you

171. Well, Jess went out for a run but she'll be back soon

172. Mmm-hmm

173. Hey, ladies, Andy's here

174. Okay, Andy, that is a bachelorette party

175. This is Jessica's friends and they've been drinking during the daytime

176. Should we go?

177. Yeah

178. You know, we had such a quick window to make this work.

179. I think we should probably just

180. Oh, Jess look who stopped by after his business trip

181. Andy, hey

182. are called presidential-sized in England

183. a "Tweeter" account

184. Yes, you should

185. Ooh

186. I have to see these shoes.

187. Oh

188. Who is this guy?

189. There's the two of them taking a hike

190. I'm guessing he's some kind of friend

191. Boyfriend

192. Here's the two of them kissing at a beach

193. and kissing at the Eiffel Tower

194. I'm guessing he's some kind of close romantic friend

195. Like a boyfriend?

196. You read my mind. Yeah

197. Whoa. Here's one with his face whited out.

198. Hmm

199. Maybe someone threw a pie in his face.

200. New theory, he's a hated Italian politician

201. Better theory, this is her ex-boyfriend

202. and they went through some kind of painful breakup

203. Oh - Nellie

204. so sorry, we were just

205. discovered Benjamin

206. That's what I call my box full of photos of Henry

207. Why not call... Shh

208. God, we owned this flat together

209. Then one morning just like that, he was gone

210. He ran off with a waitress at our favorite restaurant.

211. That's awful

212. What kind of restaurant?

213. Dwight

214. afford the flat myself So I sold it at a loss

215. Ah, but what's 10 years of bliss down the drain

216. compared with the thrill of starting over with nothing and no one?

217. I'm so sorry These must be very painful memories

218. If it would help you to forget

219. in the brain stem with this candlestick

220. Thank you. No

221. Look, Jim, Dwight, please, don't tell anyone about this

222. No, no, of course

223. Just one quick question was this Halloween or

224. God, no

225. That's the most embarrassing thing of all of this.

226. What kind of fool gets her heart broken by a bloody stage magician?

227. You know what, Pam? I was thinking maybe we should change course here

228. Let's give up on all this mean stuff

229. What? No. No. I just had this brilliant idea

230. Everyone loved it.

231. You don't have a copyright on pranks

232. at this than you

233. No, that's not Jim, could you give us a hand?

234. Absolutely. Yeah

235. Call it off, Pam. Call it off, okay?

236. It's way more complicated than you think.

237. Cancel the magician. Trust me.

238. Oh, okay. Okay, I will

239. That's a great idea

240. Yeah. Okay

241. Pam, we have a great idea. - Listen to this

242. We're going to have the fluorescent lights flickering.

243. It's going to make everyone sick

244. Or what if Okay.

245. we discuss the idea of doing the party totally normal

246. Like, not mean

247. Just a regular party

248. Not mean

249. I knew she'd crack I wanted to leave you out, you know.

250. We're in far too deep We can't change course at this point

251. What are you talking about? Of course we can

252. What I mean to say is we don't want to.

253. Toots, we're not stopping this train, so get off the tracks

254. Suck it

255. Andy

256. It'll be fine. Just act natural. Do you want a gummy penis?

257. No. I'll just have some gummy bears

258. These are delicious

259. But they're penises

260. And we come to Matthew

261. the guy who was with his old girlfriend

262. basically the whole time we were together

263. Oh, no

264. Eww! That seems gross at first blush, right?

265. But relationships are always more complicated than you think.

266. know Matthew's history with this other woman

267. Maybe she saved his life I don't know

268. rush to judgment about Matthew

269. Maybe we don't pop that one.

270. No. Pop it Pop it

271. Pop it

272. Hey Hey

273. Sorry It's kind of a mad house

274. Oh, Megan

275. You are one of the good ones, Nard Dog. Aw

276. No, really. Where's my Andy?

277. He's out there

278. Are you going to sing for us?

279. Well, you guys are doing a pretty good job with the scary yelling, so

280. That's not like you That's not like you Come on, sing! Sing

281. By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes

282. Okay, they're almost here What?

283. Come on! If you guys are going to be mean

284. can't you at least be subtle?

285. Oh, in the warehouse we'd use code names

286. for people we wanted to talk about

287. Andy was "Jelly Roll.' Mike was "Dennis the Menace.<'

288. Ryan was "Douche Bag.'

289. Hey, that's not a code name That's just an insult

290. Plus, everyone would know who you meant Yeah.

291. No, that's a great idea. Yes, let's have a code name

292. How about "Mondays"? I hate Mondays. Mondays are the worst

293. Nobody's named Monday

294. Hey, how about we go with "Pam"? Simple, easy to remember

295. Because there's someone already here named Pam

296. Shh. Here she comes

297. Hey

298. Welcome to your party

299. Everybody, get comry now This first song's over a half-hour long.

300. Best gig ever. They asked me to play only originals

301. I said, "Have you heard my originals? They're terrible."

302. They said, "Even better." I said, "I get it. It's an ironic party for Nellie.'

303. Maybe we should just go

304. No, I got to do this

305. Hey, Jessica can I talk to you?

306. Uh, yeah, sure what's up?

307. Maybe we could talk in private

308. Yeah, what is it?

309. Well, first, let me just say that

310. done with the sort of ugly bits

311. that we can stay friends

312. You're breaking up with me?

313. Uh

314. No. No

315. You always do this. You twist my words around

316. Part of me thinks we should just end this right now

317. Oh, my God Are you leaving me for Erin?

318. You said she wasn't relationship material, and she wasn't as good as me

319. But it's her, isn't it?

320. Whoa

321. That... No Okay, you want honesty?

322. Super honesty time I'm gay.

323. What?

324. You did not, Kenny

325. You invited me to go shopping with you

326. I like hanging out with you You're a cool guy.

327. Which proves my point that I'm gay.

328. JESSICA Andy, you're not gay

329. and you seemed pretty excitable.

330. Well, I was faking it. I had to fake it every time

331. with John Stamos

332. doesn't make sense

333. Well, I mean I was good at hiding it...

334. It's fine, Andy

335. we were going to get married or anything.

336. I'm just upset for now

337. Understandable, and I'm really sorry I really am.

338. So, we should probably go

339. This humble but sincere effort is

340. all for our valued new colleague. Excellent.

341. To Nellie Bertram, you are a most welcome

342. and friendly presence at our company

343. Cheers Why, thank you.

344. Pam, on the other hand is a most unwelcome

345. entitled and unfriendly presence in our company

346. Cheers

347. Nellie is terrific but to be honest

348. every day, I imagine how happy I'd be if Pam died.

349. Oh, well, I feel that as someone who knows Pam

350. only a little bit enough, a good amount not the most, though,

351. she is misunderstood

352. and that maybe there's some stuff in her past

353. that you guys don't know about

354. that's a little messed up and probably

355. makes her such a torture to work with.

356. ALL We hate Pam! We hate Pam We hate Pam! We hate Pam

357. So we've established

358. No

359. that you guys hate Pam

360. Do you ever wish she would just disappear?

361. Oh

362. That was a really rough scene

363. Right? Rough scene Yeah.

364. At least we can kiss now

365. Oh, yeah

366. You know, that stuff that I said about you to her, that's just...

367. You know, I was dating her at the time.

368. Yeah

369. Yes, of course

370. Ugh

371. Yeah

372. Probably from seeing that turkey

373. Oh, yeah

374. When we drove by the farm Always does that.

375. Are you Nellie? I think you're my volunteer.

376. Come on over here, huh?

377. No, I'll do it. I will volunteer

378. No, Nellie should No, I'll do it.

379. Oh, big guy, huh? How's the air up there? Watch out for birds

380. All right, let's do some card magic

381. Now, what I want you to do is,

382. I want you to pick a card just by looking at it.

383. Do not say what it is

384. It's the four of hearts

385. Oh, no, it's

386. Looks like we got a guy from another country here, huh?

387. No hablo el cardo, senor?

388. All right, the card is picked Now, sir, will you please shuffle the deck?

389. You didn't just do that on purpose, did you?

390. Why is Jim treating the magician poorly?

391. Little known fact about me before I was a magician

392. at a rope factory

393. Not true because that's not a real place

394. But I never could seem to figure out those knots

395. That's not a real knot When you pull on it, it disappears.

396. What the hell?

397. All right Where's Phyllis? Who's Phyllis?

398. Look, this is really uncool, okay? I put on a clean show here

399. Okay, scram, wizard What?

400. You heard me

401. Wow. Nellie I'm sorry. If I'd known

402. Jim and Pam would use this party

403. as an excuse to abuse a magician

404. Well, I thought it was quite fun

405. In fact, I think they're brilliant employees in their own way.

406. Don't you see what I see?

407. Interesting, yes. No, yes, I see that

408. Great work, team Great party

409. You think this is a great party?

410. This cake has vegetables in it like a salad bar, Robert

411. How do I get this taste out of my mouth?

412. What? Why are we

413. one thing.

414. Oh, hello

415. Hey, everybody look who's here

416. What are you doing here?

417. Hi. Super duper honesty time, I'm not gay

418. In fact I'm so not gay that I'm in love with a girl

419. Her name is Erin Hannon and she is right there.

420. She's sweet, funny and beautiful

421. and total relationship material

422. Why the hell did you come back here?

423. Go away

424. Get lost

425. Get out Okay.

426. You're done! Get out Bye, guys. Go. Go.

427. You ruined my party

428. Who does that? Are you kidding me?

429. Yeah, run away Run away

430. KENNY You're disgusting

431. I can't believe you're not gay

432. Yeah, get out of here

433. Don't come back

434. Uh-oh.

435. You don't even know how to drive

436. Loser! Nice car

437. Hey, Hank Yes, ma'am.

438. I thought I was very specific about you not letting up a magician

439. Yes, ma'am I got my eyes open

440. Well, turns out he actually made it up there.

441. What? That ain't right

442. Yeah, he came and went

443. Wait a minute, you said it was a magician, right?

444. You don't think he could have used... It couldn't have been

445. Let's just go

446. Good night, Hank