The Office 8x2

Directed by Charles McDougall

Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer • Leslie David Baker as Stanley Hudson

After Robert California challenges the Dunder Mifflin staffers to double their sales, Andy, taking matters into his own hands, creates an incentive program. Eventually, he promises to tattoo himself if the staff doubles their sales. Meanwhile, Pam strikes up an unlikely friendship with Angela, both of whom are pregnant.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hey, so this isn't matching up with this

2. and I'm not sure which one is right

3. Can you just hunt down the original for me?

4. Yes, me do

5. All right

6. Hey, KevKev, what were you saying before about the paperwork?

7. Me do it now. Go. Stop worry

8. Kevin, do you feel okay?

9. Me feel good. Body strong Sleep big last night

10. Yeah, I think we should get him to the hospital.

11. Yeah, all right, Kev why don't you come with us?

12. No, he's fine. - No, no, guys He's fine.

13. He's always been like that

14. No, he hasn't

15. I mean, he's gotten worse over the years, but

16. He's making a statement

17. It's an ironic comment on our expectations of him

18. A funhouse image of our model of Kevin.

19. You keep think that

20. Me mechanic not speak English

21. but he know what me mean when me say, "Car no go.'

22. And we best friends

23. So me think why waste time say lot word when few word do trick.

24. Kevin, I appreciate what you're trying to do

25. Thank

26. Here we have a word code

27. Same way we have a dress code.

28. And what we're talking about is

29. basically the speech equivalent to just wearing underpants

30. Sometimes words you no need use

31. but need need for talk talk.

32. But save time. More success

33. Does it save time, though? Because we've been here for about an hour

34. No me fault

35. Kevin, at most you're saving a microscopic amount of time

36. Many small time make big time.

37. What are you going to do with all this time?

38. See world

39. Kevin, you can't possibly save enough time to see the world

40. Kevin, are you saying "see the world' or SeaWorld?

41. See world Oceans. Fish Jump. China.

42. No, see? Right there that's the problem with your method

43. because I still don't know if you're saying SeaWorld or <<see the world.'

44. And it's taking a lot of time to explain it

45. Fine, fine, I'll talk normally

46. When me president they see

47. They see

48. This week we are rolling out the brand new Sabre tablet, the Pyramid.

49. Why is it shaped like that?

50. So you can tell your clients "Unleash the power of the pyramid

51. It's huge How much does it weigh?

52. Oh, no, no, no Without the battery pack

53. and the optional memory booster, it's barely 3 pounds

54. How much memory does it have without the booster?

55. Fifty L

56. I'm sorry, "L"? - Mmm-hmm

57. How many I to a K?

58. You're really going to want the booster.

59. How on earth are we supposed to sell

60. I'll take five

61. Andy, don't make us sell this stupid thing

62. Oh, no, no, no, no, no This is Dwight's meeting

63. Thank you. The I just wanted to pop in

64. and get your opinions on ties and tie clips.

65. Which combo do you think Robert's going to like more?

66. What do you think, C-Span?

67. "C-Span"?

68. Yeah, C-Span. Cocker spaniel

69. Spaniel because of your Spanish bloodline Cocker because

70. Is this really the best use of our collective time?

71. I am still forming a first impression with Robert

72. Once it is formed we can all relax, okay?

73. I'm sorry to hijack your meeting, D-Dub-Dog, had to pull rank

74. Okay, let's look at some ties.

75. Here's how I'm going to help out from now on.

76. I'm going to not care

77. And I'm going to sit around quietly

78. waiting for Andy's inevitable demise

79. Your friend Neil Patrick Harris

80. really made me laugh the other night.

81. D Dog, you have a message

82. Erin, you don't need to call him that

83. Andy wants us to, P Dog

84. It's okay, E Dog Who called?

85. Justine. She said she's coming by later

86. Your ex-wife?

87. and you ♪ hated her guts

88. No, no, no, I like her

89. Well, I was just quoting you

90. I would never say that about her. I don't know the woman

91. No, man. We get along now real well

92. All right Can't wait to meet her

93. I'll introduce you

94. Yeah, we had a few fights I suppose

95. but last night we put a lot of that to bed.

96. I can't tell you what I did with my ex-wife last night

97. I have to sing it

98. We took a shower

99. We were naked

100. We...

101. Oh

102. Hi, Dad. l Oh, boy.

103. Hello, Andy Excellent tie

104. Would you be requiring a cold beverage while you're here?

105. I'd love some coffee

106. I was looking over your projections and I think we can do better

107. Are you factoring in the whole national economy declining and all that?

108. Andy, do you know why I chose you?

109. I think I can sum it up with what I think

110. is your favorite ice cream flavor

111. Vanilla?

112. Vanilla? No

113. You'll never guess in a million billion years you'll never guess

114. You were saying you chose me There was a reason

115. Andy, can you inspire? Do you have that skill set?

116. Can I inspire? I don't know

117. I don't know

118. Oh, thank you

119. Oh, sorry

120. Yeah, just put it down

121. Mmm

122. That is very cold

123. Yeah, it's old

124. Why would l

125. I asked if you wanted a cold beverage

126. and you said coffee

127. Why don't we get Robert a nice, hot, fresh cup and I will have this.

128. Andy, you don't want that.

129. I've been craving a freezing cup of old coffee.

130. Mmm

131. Sorry

132. You like her

133. I do. Yeah

134. She likes you

135. You know, we've both been into each other at different times

136. and just never really synced up

137. Now we're in this weird dance and now we're...

138. I'm afraid you've lost my interest

139. Let me call you back

140. I got to go

141. If the office superstore was supposed to

142. put us little suppliers out of business

143. why are we still here?

144. Yeah This is where we go.

145. You'd go someplace else That's not it That's not the answer.

146. It's a answer. It's a wrong answer

147. There are no wrong answers

148. Take a look at where you are

149. Where you once worked in a dying industry, you now work at its birth

150. Those superstores are terrified of us.

151. Anybody know why?

152. Wait, they're terrified?

153. Let me tell you how I buy something these days

154. I know what I want, I go on the Internet and get the best price

155. Or I don't know what I want and I go to a small store that can help me

156. The era of personal service is back You are back.

157. You'll find that customers will pay our higher prices

158. and then they w thank us

159. and we will say to them "You are welcome."

160. Thank you

161. Ooh

162. Andrew, I chose you for a reason Lead these people.

163. Show me the best numbers this place has ever seen.

164. Last quarter we saw 4% growth. Double it

165. You got it Double.

166. Done I'm not kidding.

167. Neither am l It's already done

168. I'm just kidding

169. It's going to take some time. Double

170. Hey

171. What's up, guys?

172. Just thought we'd have a little rap session.

173. Talk about business. See how things are going

174. Why don't you start?

175. If no one else wants to

176. I was just thinking about Robert Man, what a boss.

177. Just throws down goals you know?

178. Anyway, how's the sales doubling project going?

179. Yeah, how are we supposed to do that?

180. We can't just press a magic button

181. Of course not. There's no magic button

182. You have to summon that

183. If we could just double our sales, we already would have

184. You're not making any sense

185. He brings up two good points

186. Do you have any new leads? And new territories you want us to look into?

187. Maybe have an in with a big client

188. that we could get our foot in the door?

189. Dwight, anything?

190. We could talk about how fast children grow up

191. and before you know it they're out of the house

192. You know what? We need to get our heads out of the box

193. If we did have something

194. what would it look like? What would it be?

195. Tuna

196. New leads, new territory to look into

197. maybe an in with a big company

198. that we could get our foot in the door

199. Fart

200. Good sesh

201. That leg's asleep

202. Hello

203. I'm looking for Darryl Philbin?

204. Don't

205. Oh

206. You must think... No, I'm not I'm using the fax

207. This isn't No, wait.

208. I'm not supposed to represent the company, right?

209. There's usually an Erin here, so

210. Okay

211. Darryl, a girl

212. Rub a dub, dub, apricot scrub

213. What's up, darling?

214. Everybody this is Justine

215. Hi, Justine - Hello.

216. This is Jim, Oscar

217. Hi

218. Everybody

219. Kevin

220. Can we go someplace private?

221. Follow me. I got a space

222. After you I've been thinking about you all morning

223. I don't know what you did I can barely walk today.

224. D Bone, there you are

225. Let me guess Somebody needs a brownie

226. Lick the spoon?

227. No. No. That's okay

228. I just, I wanted to ask you about

229. Is this about the profits?

230. Because if it is, I just don't see the point It's so Wall Street.

231. I know, right? Yeah

232. Um

233. How is everything?

234. Good. Really, really good

235. Must be a tough time to be a family farm.

236. It is And beets are not immune

237. I made some inroads in salad but heirloom tomatoes are pushing back.

238. What are you going to do about that?

239. I don't know, what do you mean?

240. Got to be some way you could double your beet sales

241. You wanted the job the job is yours, just do the job.

242. And I'll do mine

243. Walnuts?

244. No

245. Have you seen this?

246. Parenting? Yeah.

247. This is Cece's favorite magazine

248. She loves the pictures of babies

249. She looks at it when she's on the potty and she makes the faces

250. Have you read it?

251. Has an adult member of your family read this particular issue?

252. I flipped through it

253. So you saw the article on the importance of

254. taking frequent walks while you're pregnant?

255. Of course, yeah. - We know that

256. I will be taking a morning walk and an afternoon walk.

257. Would you like to join me?

258. That sounds nice

259. Great

260. You have a walking buddy

261. I do

262. Thanks for coming in, guys

263. You don't have to thank us for coming in It's our job

264. Well, I never got thanked for coming into a meeting

265. and I always wanted to be, so I<m going to thank people.

266. What's under the blanket?

267. This is what's under the blanket

268. We don't get it

269. These are incentives. It's how we're going to double growth

270. Now, you're probably all asking yourselves "Well, how does this work?'

271. It seems like a basic reward system where you give us points

272. and then we redeem those points for prizes

273. You're exactly right and you get a point

274. Oh. Uh, is that a vibrator?

275. 20 points

276. How does one get a point?

277. I've outlined the exact parameters

278. in an email so check your spam folders

279. But basically, you do your job better you get points.

280. So collect 15 points and redeem them for this polar bear.

281. Why is it all kids' stuff and a vibrator? It's so gross.

282. There's lots of stuff

283. John Irving, collected works 22 points.

284. Or you can pool your points and redeem 55 for this maternity shirt. Ahem

285. How about you want us to work harder, pay us more.

286. I can't

287. This points system is really insulting.

288. Ooh

289. I didn't mean to offend you and I hope you'll forgive me

290. because I am very very "sari." 16 points

291. That's a tablecloth

292. What if we went all the way up to 500 points?

293. That's a crazy amount of points

294. But what if? Well, what do you want?

295. I don't know. For such a crazy number

296. I'd like something pretty crazy

297. All right, for 500 points, I will wear a dress to work

298. That's pretty good What about for 1,000 points?

299. I'll run naked through the parking lot

300. with a donut on my ding dong

301. Yeah, you like that?

302. All right for 5,000 points

303. I will let you tattoo whatever you want

304. on the stern of the old S.S. Bernard

305. No Really?

306. All right. All right And you are totally serious?

307. Swear to God. Hope to die Now let's get to work.

308. Wait, but you did say we can pool our points right?

309. In that case

310. let's get to work, guys - Yeah!

311. Let's do it, guys

312. Good

313. I can have it to you by the beginning of next week.

314. All right thank you very much

315. Phyllis, Brachen Auto?

316. Ask for Donald. Karen's bananas

317. Okay

318. T-Bag-Bone

319. Andrew

320. Hold on, one second

321. Have you noticed a little bit of a mood shift around here?

322. No. I haven't noticed anything

323. Really? Because I sat next to Stanley for years and this is nap time.

324. Open eye nap time. He balances the phone on his shoulder

325. and just powers down

326. Now look at him

327. You've got to unleash the power of the pyramid

328. I don't know what to tell you, man

329. Do you think it has something to do with that incentive program?

330. Oh, 100% We all want to see you tattoo your ass

331. Uh.

332. I think people thought I was kidding when I said that.

333. No. You definitely weren't kidding.

334. That came across loud and clear.

335. Oh, by the way, I want to hand this in

336. 120 points?

337. Yeah. Big sale

338. Don't worry about it, though I don't really care about the points

339. I would like a point receipt though

340. Hey, yes this is Jim Halpert calling for Donald.

341. Can you hold on for one second? Thank you very much

342. Who talked to Maggie at Kaufman's?

343. And I'm back How are you, sir?

344. I think you can squeeze a couple more golf games in, right?

345. Where's Angela? Angela, these are yours

346. Hey, Kevin, what are you doing?

347. Don't talk to me

348. Yeah

349. Hi. Professor Frank Andy Bernard, class of '95

350. Hey there, I'm a huge fan of your management book Management.

351. Uh, quick question I may be missing a chapter here:

352. "De-incentivizing." What are your strategies?

353. I'm looking for a real blow to morale

354. Uh, why?

355. Well, um

356. I guess you could say I'm in one of those

357. classic ass-tattoo-incentive situations.

358. Took 'em one day

359. Are you ready?

360. I like it. I like it

361. Okay, keep in mind, it's not too late to choose another prize

362. and there are some great new additions

363. My car. For 1,000 points

364. Or best offer

365. What else you got?

366. Oh, and then this was Phyllis' idea.

367. Oh Oh!

368. So nasty, Phyllis

369. Oh, my God

370. We were hoping you could do something like this

371. So coming out of his butt is a

372. Baby

373. Baby. Yes

374. Yeah. No problem

375. We should think about this Does anyone have any better ideas?

376. I like what we have

377. Yeah, nice try

378. It's pretty edgy

379. I just need a second outside

380. You getting psyched up? Yeah.

381. Andy, nobody really expects you to go through with this.

382. Toons, what am I doing here?

383. Why did Robert pick me?

384. Confession, I don't know what I'm doing

385. I mean do you like it?

386. You having fun?

387. I'll tell you this everybody else is having a lot of fun

388. And you did that

389. My ass is only so big. I mean I can't do this every day

390. But I think it's big enough to buy you some time

391. until your next great idea.

392. Which, by the way I can't wait for

393. No one expects me to go through with this, right?

394. Absolutely not

395. Let's ink my stink

396. Yeah

397. My heart belongs to music but my ass belongs to these people

398. Whoa

399. Do your worst

400. Uh, you can keep your pants on actually

401. If you just drop them down a bit that'd be great.

402. They are already off my good sir.

403. I'd really prefer they not be down

404. Well, I think down's better Sweating pretty heavily down there

405. Do you think you could work from this?

406. We made some small adjustments

407. Okay, you want me to

408. Just those few adjustments Yeah.

409. All right. Let's begin

410. This is where l grin and bear Ow, ow!

411. That was just a cotton swab

412. Invest in softer cotton, sir

413. Ow

414. Oh

415. Obviously you can go the ass tattoo route

416. and obviously I'm going to like it.

417. Draw some blood Ha-ha!

418. Why did I choose Andy to run the office?

419. Because he's all surface, uncomplicated. What you see is what you get.

420. It could be a recipe for mediocrity, yes.

421. But then again, it might just be why people fight for him.

422. It's a Nard dog

423. That's my nickity name

424. I love it. I love it

425. Pull up your pants

426. There's something about an underdog

427. that really inspires the unexceptional

428. Um, what should we talk about?

429. Well, we could talk about an ethical dilemma I'm having.

430. Oh, yeah, sure I hope I can help

431. A coworker of mine is drinking caffeine while pregnant

432. and I don't know if I should call social services about it

433. Angela, that's pretty transparently me

434. Maybe

435. You know it's just herbal tea

436. In mugs with trace amounts of coffee

437. Yeah. I think you should call social services

438. I already did

439. You know, maybe we should just have our own pregnancies

440. and not pretend like we're in this together

441. Fine