The Office 8x19

Directed by Rainn Wilson

Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer • Leslie David Baker as Stanley Hudson

Andy makes a game-changing decision and takes a road-trip odyssey in the name of romance. Elsewhere, Nellie arrives at the Scranton branch and sets out to seize the manager position.

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1. This is Pam.

2. Oh, my God, are you sure? Okay, okay, we'll be right there.

3. Everybody!

4. - The balloon is falling! - What?

5. There's this balloon that has been floating

6. in the rafters of the warehouse for, like, ever.

7. And...

8. Okay, it's not, it doesn't sound cool, you just have to see it.

9. Well,I guess it doesn't look that cool either

10. But it's been up there a long time,

11. so it's become a pretty big deal.

12. Wow. It's the end of an era.

13. You did a good job, buddy.

14. Now it's time to come home.

15. I remember when that balloon went up there. I was still with Gil.

16. We were so happy.

17. When that went up there, I had hair like Rapunzel.

18. How long do you think it's been up there, Kevin?

19. I just remember pushing aside my silky bangs to say,

20. "Look, a balloon."

21. My Warcraft clan was still on speaking terms.

22. My kid didn't have a face tattoo.

23. I was still thinking of going back to school.

24. And I was still just a paper salesman.

25. This has been fun, Pam. Thanks for calling us all down here.

26. Kill the balloon! Kill the balloon!

27. Kill the balloon! Kill the balloon!

28. Hey!

29. So they accidentally gave us an extra egg sandwich this morning.

30. - Who wants it? - Ooh! Right here.

31. Right here! Pick me!

32. Allow me to solve your problem then.

33. Nellie.

34. Mmm.

35. Ugh! That is disgusting.

36. Do you call that a King James breakfast pie?

37. What brings you to town?

38. Certainly not the Harry Houdini museum. What a nobody!

39. "Oh, look, some Hungarian just found their way out of a sack,

40. "let's build a shrine."

41. No, I've come to work here.

42. What?

43. How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle?

44. She stinks of failure.

45. The fact that she could show her face around here

46. is an embarrassment.

47. I should know. I'm in an identical situation.

48. Robert did say you'd be joining us. Welcome, I'm Tony.

49. What?

50. I said, "I'm Tony."

51. Okay, I made a mistake. I thought it might go unnoticed.

52. But, I'm Toby.

53. You messed up saying your name?

54. It happens, Okay?

55. So let's just find an empty desk for you

56. and I'm sure Robert will be with you as soon as he gets in.

57. That one looks empty.

58. No. It's Andy's office.

59. Oh, is it?

60. I have one simple philosophy in business,

61. if the seat is open, the job is open.

62. It's how I came to briefly race a Formula One car.

63. The three slowest laps ever recorded.

64. Another beautiful day in Tallahassee.

65. Good morning, Alonzo!

66. Good morning, Erin!

67. How are you? How's your family doing?

68. Bye.

69. Look at this place. Five rooms and I get to clean them all.

70. That's right. I'm a maid for an old lady.

71. Her grandson's staying with us, too, because he ran out of money.

72. Listen to me, bragging away.

73. Robert Nellie.

74. How are you adjusting to life in Scranton so far?

75. So far, so good! The water pressure in the hotel is marvelous.

76. It is astounding what a difference that can make, isn't it?

77. Mmm-hmm.

78. Now, let's find you something fun to do here, shall we?

79. Oh, I've already found it.

80. I am manager, a natural next step. It fits like a glove.

81. We have a manager.

82. Do you really? Because it is 10:00,

83. I've been in this chair for an hour

84. and no other manager has come and sat on my lap.

85. Excuse me, has anyone seen Andy this morning?

86. Yeah, that's weird. He's usually here by now. Right, guys?

87. Hello? Andy, it's Robert.

88. Why aren't you at work?

89. Hey, Robert, I really wish I could come into work today

90. but I'm super sick.

91. I don't care. I don't care.

92. Please come to work immediately.

93. Okay, I'll try to come in, even though I'm really sick

94. with the Florida flu!

95. He just hung up on me mid-sentence.

96. I'm in Florida to get Erin.

97. As soon as I heard she wasn't coming back to Scranton,

98. I jumped straight in my car and drove straight down until I hit the ocean.

99. My heart is my map.

100. Turns out Tallahassee is about two hundred miles inland,

101. so I overshot a good amount.

102. But still, not bad for a heart map, right?

103. Ew.

104. Thanks a lot, BP.

105. Not much we can do about this until he gets here.

106. Can't you do something about this?

107. Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim.

108. Right.

109. What is going on, and where's Andy?

110. And what is going on?

111. Erin, you got a package!

112. I'm in the bathroom!

113. Where's the postage? I mean there's no shipping label.

114. Did you wash your hands?

115. Yes.

116. Here I am, signed, sealed, delivered I'm yours

117. Andy, what are you doing here?

118. It's great to see you.

119. Ah!

120. Uh, I am here to take you back to Scranton

121. because I love you and I want to be with you.

122. Where's the ring?

123. Hmm?

124. Where's the ring, Lancelot?

125. Would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second?

126. Sorry, Glenn.

127. Um.

128. Andy, I am so happy to see you,

129. but I'm not coming back with you.

130. Why won't she go with him?

131. I don't know. Maybe it's because he's not that handsome.

132. Hey.

133. Don't listen.

134. So what is going on?

135. That does seem to be the question, doesn't it?

136. "Hey, this is messed up, bro. Who is this weird lady?"

137. I know. It's a lot.

138. So, who knows what's going on? Anyone?

139. You, yes, wait. I am very good intuiting names.

140. Is it Chumbo?

141. I think it's a cross between "dumbo" and "jumbo,"

142. with a hint of "chubby."

143. It's not a name.

144. So no one can tell me what's going on?

145. Well, let me illuminate things for you.

146. We are getting to know each other.

147. "But why, my lady?"

148. Because I am your new manager.

149. Robert, is Nellie our new manager?

150. This is an odd situation.

151. But it's very interesting how it's playing out.

152. We live in this world of routines and rhythms.

153. Kevin ate someone's lunch, Phyllis has a new necklace.

154. Who is this woman?

155. I came in here simply trying to get to know you, learn your names,

156. maybe have someone teach me the company song.

157. And what I got in return was nothing but disrespect.

158. You leave me no choice

159. but to get to know you in a more intimate way.

160. Hot tub party?

161. Performance reviews.

162. How can you give us performance reviews if you don't know us?

163. On first impressions, so I recommend smiling.

164. It goes a long way with me.

165. Erin, you really nailed the hotdogs today.

166. Thanks. I've been reusing the hotdog water, so it gets more flavor.

167. It's only going to keep getting better.

168. So, Andrew, how does your skinny brunette girlfriend, Jessica,

169. feel about you visiting your ex-girlfriend?

170. Well, we're not really dating anymore,

171. so basically, I mean I just have to

172. cross a few t's and dot a few I's, you know.

173. So you came to get me, but you still have a girlfriend.

174. I think you should leave, young man.

175. All right, technically yes. I am still technically dating Jessica.

176. But when I realized that I wanted you back,

177. I just jumped in a car and I drove down here

178. and I didn't want to stop until I saw you.

179. You didn't even stop to pee? Gross!

180. Any luck?

181. No, he just keeps letting all the calls go to voice-mail.

182. Please leave a message

183. for Andy Bernard Include your name...

184. Oh, you're doing so good! Oh, my God, you're Superman over there.

185. You should take it.

186. It's probably your girlfriend wondering where you are.

187. Nope. It's just work. Not important.

188. You know I can really feel this in my quads.

189. I can tell I'm getting stronger.

190. You really wouldn't feel those kinds of results after one session.

191. I don't know, it's...

192. Just let it vibrate. It's fine.

193. You could put it on silent.

194. I don't think it does that.

195. Just go to preferences, then click...

196. Proctology.

197. Andy?

198. Jim?

199. Andy, where are you?

200. I'm home in bed. I've been in bed all day.

201. I got the serious poops, man.

202. He's here in Tallahassee, trying to turn my life upside down.

203. What? You're in Florida?

204. Andy, Nellie Bertram's trying to take your job.

205. What do you mean, take my job?

206. Like, set up camp in your office

207. and is calling herself the manager.

208. Okay.

209. Jim, I really appreciate you looking out for me

210. but I'm not coming home without Erin.

211. So, I'll talk to you later.

212. Guys!

213. We cannot do these performance reviews, okay?

214. If we go into them, you're basically

215. accepting Nellie as your manager.

216. And trust me. You do not want her as your manager.

217. Trust you?

218. The way Pam trusted you to provide for her so she wouldn't have to work?

219. I like working here.

220. Dwight, should she be our manager?

221. I wouldn't let her manage a celery farm.

222. Those who can't farm, farm celery.

223. And when was the last time Dwight and I agreed on anything ever?

224. All right, let's get going.

225. First up, it is the woman with the beautiful fingernails and the tiny feet.

226. Phyllis.

227. Nellie, I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable

228. being evaluated by someone I don't know.

229. Oh.

230. Okay. I understand. Let me show you how these are going to go.

231. Dwight.

232. I refuse to be judged by someone that I do not respect.

233. I lost respect for you in Florida.

234. If it was up to me, you would be in jail forever.

235. Dwight, I have completed your evaluation.

236. You're getting a raise.

237. What?

238. Dwight, you carry this company on your massive shoulders.

239. You are our Atlas

240. and for that, do you not think you deserve a raise?

241. There's no limit to what I think I deserve.

242. Then you accept it?

243. Five percent, no less!

244. Absolutely not.

245. Seven percent.

246. Six percent! I know my worth.

247. Raise isn't real.

248. Money isn't real, ever since we got off the gold standard.

249. So, Phyllis, now you know the rules of the game,

250. do you care to have a go? I'm fairly certain you're going to like it.

251. Phyllis.

252. Pam.

253. So, Phyllis, I have been very impressed with you.

254. Really? Oh, yeah.

255. The way you conquered your fear and came in here,

256. and now the way you sit there.

257. All very impressive!

258. Um...

259. Are you aware that Nellie is giving out raises?

260. I am not. How?

261. Yeah, she gave one to Dwight, Phyllis...

262. Let me guess, you want one, too.

263. Take the family to Disney Town.

264. Land! World!

265. It's not that I don't want... Well, yes, I guess I'd take a raise.

266. That's not what I'm saying. That's not... Sorry.

267. Jim, I told Andy to come in and yet he is still not in.

268. By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it.

269. I make no mention of her business experience

270. or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss.

271. Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?

272. Oh, God, nature, please.

273. When two animals are having sex,

274. one of them is communicating a message to the other.

275. Nothing is... This isn't very helpful.

276. You're going to want to hear the sexual metaphor.

277. Was that not the...

278. All life is Sex.

279. And all sex is competition.

280. Mmm-hmm.

281. And there are no rules to that game.

282. That wasn't so perverted, now was it?

283. Was that it? No, that wasn't bad.

284. My point is there is one person in charge of every office in America.

285. And that person is Charles Darwin.

286. In the end, doesn't he decide who the manager is?

287. No. I would have said no.

288. Hmm. Let's see. Review, review, review! Yes, good stuff.

289. Here you go, have a raise.

290. Ch, great!

291. I mean if we go in there and take these raises, what are we saying?

292. That it's okay for someone to just take someone else's job?

293. Shouldn't work like that.

294. No, you know what? Nellie's right.

295. That is exactly how it should work.

296. Darryl, this office is mine now.

297. No. Yes!

298. No. Yes!

299. No. Yes.

300. No. Yes.

301. Yes. Sorry, it's too late. I'm here. This is mine. Back off.

302. Ow! Ow!

303. Ow!Ow!Ow! Ow!

304. Well fought! I accept the outcome.

305. Touch me and I'll sue.

306. I've heard that's amazing when it works.

307. Yeah. If I had my own...

308. Andy, I care about you and I think...

309. Sorry. You go.

310. No, go ahead.

311. Well, I was just going to say that

312. if I had my own fountain it would be two frogs

313. and they're spitting into each other's mouth.

314. It's just stupid. What were you going to say?

315. Andy, you broke my heart.

316. Do you know what it feels like to be constantly rejected by you

317. and to have to watch you date someone else?

318. You broke my heart, too.

319. You broke my heart more recently and more often.

320. And I think at some point in my head it just sort of clicked

321. that we're not meant to be.

322. I'm so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time.

323. I know.

324. So, Pamela, I'm going to start this review

325. not by telling you what you lack,

326. but rather asking you what it is you want.

327. Really? Okay, well!

328. Um...

329. I like consistency in the manager's position. No weird silent coups.

330. Stuff like that, I'm easy.

331. That's not really what you want.

332. What you want is a good night's sleep, working mother of two.

333. Whoa.

334. That's kind of condescending. Would you say something like that to Jim?

335. Does Jim have to breastfeed?

336. Did Jim carry around those babies for, what is it, 12 months?

337. Be honest. Does Jim really get up in the night?

338. Well, I mean, the only reason he doesn't is because I'm breastfeeding

339. and Philip doesn't like a bottle.

340. You must be exhausted.

341. Fancy a nap?

342. No.

343. Go on. Have a nap.

344. Lie down right here.

345. There's a blanket in here.

346. I used it earlier myself.

347. Dreamt I could breathe underwater like Jacques Cousteau.

348. No one will know.

349. I'll wake you up.

350. When you wake up, you will earn more money.

351. I think you're a witch.

352. I think you're amazing. You know that, right?

353. Go on. Say it, "I'm amazing."

354. I'm amazing.

355. Erin, I think you're making a big mistake right now.

356. Andy is a nice boy.

357. Really? Because you've been kind of a "B" to him all afternoon.

358. I was protecting you because I thought he was no good.

359. But I can tell you really like him.

360. And he's willing to lose his job for you.

361. In this economy, with Europe on the brink...

362. Irene, what would you do without me?

363. We're not your concern, sweetheart.

364. Besides, Glenn's going to sue Home Depot.

365. Why?

366. He got his foreskin caught in some lawn furniture.

367. Jim, time for your review.

368. No, it's not, because you don't really work here.

369. Why are you so staunchly defending

370. your friend who has abandoned you?

371. Wouldn't you rather come talk with me, maybe, definitely get a raise?

372. See, that's the thing.

373. I don't know if you can even give raises.

374. Jim, have you ever heard of a character named Tinker Bell?

375. Yes. I'm Tinker Bell.

376. No.

377. I'm a magical fairy who floated into your office

378. to bring a little bit of magic into your lives, to give you all raises.

379. And we are grateful.

380. But here's the thing about Tinker Bell, Jim,

381. everyone has to believe in her or she doesn't exist.

382. And then she dies. She dies.

383. Now who here believes in Tinker Bell?

384. Let's see it. Show of hands! I do.

385. Come on, everyone!

386. All right, guys, stop!

387. I already spent the money. How?

388. Come on, Jim, you're killing her!

389. We believe!

390. We believe!

391. Look at this wonderful recognition

392. of Nellie's leadership. I believe!

393. That did not go how I wanted it to.

394. Ugh!

395. I have a whole ton of Erin's favorite food for the drive back.

396. Eggplant parm!

397. It's biodegradable. Animals will eat it.

398. Andy, Wait! Andy!

399. Andy, wait! Andy, don't go!

400. Andy, I love you! Stop!

401. Oh. This is the wrong Prius. I don't love you.

402. Erin! I'm sorry.

403. Andy.

404. Let's get out of here.

405. Okay. Let's go.

406. Wait, we have to go back and get your stuff.

407. No, I don't have any stuff.

408. Like your toothbrush and stuff. I don't have one.

409. You don't have a toothbrush? No.

410. How do you not have a toothbrush?

411. I just, there's always one around.

412. You just use whichever one is sitting there?

413. I always find one.

414. Have you ever heard of buying a toothbrush?

415. Of course, I own my toothbrush.

416. I grew up poor. I had little formal education, no real skills.

417. I don't work especially hard

418. and most of my ideas are either unoriginal or total crap.

419. And yet, I walked right into a job

420. for which I was ill-prepared, ill-suited,

421. and somebody else already had, and I got it.

422. If you ask me, that's the American dream right there.

423. Anything can happen to anyone.

424. It's just random.