The Office 8x16

Directed by Brian Baumgartner

Zach Woods as Gabe Lewis • Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer

A power play unfolds in Tallahassee when Dwight and Todd Packer compete to become Nellie's vice president. Meanwhile, Jim receives an unwelcome visitor, and Andy forces the Scranton staffers to work late.

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1. Hey, Angela

2. you wanna see a picture of Philip

3. wearing those little booties you got us?

4. So cute

5. Hey, you guys wanna see a picture of Gerald wearing galoshes?

6. He refused to go out in the rain until I bought these

7. Now, going out in the rain is all he wants to do

8. Oscar thinks having a dog is just like having a baby.

9. News flash, if you didn't carry

10. it around in your belly for nine months

11. it isn't your kid

12. Exactly (SCOFFS)

13. Unless you adopted of course.

14. That is where we disagree

15. Hey, are your little dudes crawling yet?

16. No. Three-month-old humans don't do that

17. My Philip is crawling

18. Angela is such a liar

19. It's maddening

20. Exactly, that's just like crate training.

21. All night long All night long

22. Well, count yourself lucky

23. Wait until you have two

24. That's two sleep schedules, two naps that don't coincide

25. I mean, you'll never sleep again

26. No one said you must have two

27. Like her genes are so important

28. The world just needs more Pam-Jim DNA Thank you, no.

29. No, thank you

30. Check this out My brother just got a new sailboat

31. He has no idea what he just got himself into.

32. There's nothing harder than taking care of a boat

33. Am I right?

34. Unbelievable! Unbelievable

35. Unbelievable

36. It is the end of the day. It is the end of the week

37. We managed to fill 40 hours, somehow

38. That's not bad, is it?

39. That's great Pretty good.

40. Well, thank you this is very helpful feedback

41. Dwight, I am still not ready to name the V.P

42. That's not what I was gonna ask

43. Gosh, you jump to conclusions

44. Come on, I know. You've got so much on your plate

45. it's right now you're like

46. "Oh, what's more important Dwight's question figure out who's the V.P

47. "Dwight. V.P. Dwight. V.P.'

48. Dwight. V.P. Dwight. V.P

49. Can we at least eliminate those that are not in the running?

50. Free them up to focus more completely on the menial

51. Like stacking and sorting, or

52. Catching butterflies?

53. That's a hobby. Unless it's for food

54. Theater A waste of time.

55. Dragging?

56. That's just a verb

57. Dragging sticks

58. Yes. Nice. Perfect

59. Dragging sticks

60. All right, I'm gonna eliminate three people right now.

61. Okay? Just. You three. No

62. Not good enough (CLICKS TONGUE)

63. English people's main use today is judging American talent.

64. "You're crap. You're wonderful.'

65. They're mean, but they're incisive

66. Everyone meet in the hotel bar at 7:00

67. I'm not allowed to say it's mandatory

68. So let's just call it compulsory

69. I'll be there at 6:00

70. Ugh. We're gonna have one of those crazy nights aren't we?

71. Maybe we'll see the real Talla-nasty

72. we've been hearing so much about

73. Talla-nasty. Very clever

74. Thank you. Wait, wait

75. You think she invented "Talla-nasty"?

76. (LAUGHING) No, no, no, no

77. Cathy? It's been great, fun, normal

78. gonna be hanging out with Stanley on this trip

79. but he's turned out to be kind of a loose cannon.

80. My friend and I are new here in Tallahassee

81. Would you like to get a cocktail?

82. Maybe go out for a little dancing? Beautiful day, no?

83. Okay, everybody. 5:00. Work day's over

84. Put your pencils down, and bring 'em back up

85. Because now, the late night work jam begins

86. Yes! The conference room is set up.

87. I've got pens, I've got paper I've got a whiteboard!

88. We are good to go

89. Say what?

90. We are good to go

91. Say what? Good to go!

92. Stop it Andy

93. Tonight, we're staying late to service the accounts

94. of the people who went on the Florida trip

95. Yes, of course we could have just

96. been doing this the whole time,

97. but someone dropped the ball

98. Ball droppings can be beautiful

99. For example, when it turns an awkward soprano into a rich, full tenor.

100. Jason Bourne would kick Bond's ass

101. Jason Bourne has no support staff

102. his own government's out to get him.

103. Genghis Khan could take 'em both down,

104. 'cause he's not afraid to kill children

105. What? It's true

106. He would eviscerate babies and hang them

107. from poles outside of the villages

108. Okay, drinking game The count of three, take three sips

109. That's a stupid game I got a great drinking game Okay?

110. Everyone, empty your pockets

111. Whoever has the most seeds is the king

112. whoever has the least buttons is the hunchback.

113. What happens if you're the hunchback?

114. Oh, you get kicked

115. How many buttons do you have?

116. Forty. Always

117. Can I see? Sure.

118. So I get to kick you now

119. No, they're not transferable just 'cause I handed them to you.

120. Well, that's how I played it in college

121. College rules

122. And he lost at his own lame game

123. Ooh! Double meaning

124. The game was lame and now he's lame from the kick.

125. Quick wit. Thank you

126. a glass of your oakiest chardonnay, please.

127. And I will have a waffle With your maple-iest syrup

128. Sorry, no waffles

129. Okay, just forget it then Forget it. Forget it?

130. Waffle?

131. A hotel waffle. I know what I wanna eat

132. Is that crazy? No

133. I'm moving down here you know

134. Oh. No, I didn't know

135. I'm young and I can

136. And if I can't, I'm still pretty young

137. You come with me We're gonna get you that waffle

138. Why would Erin confide in me that she's staying here in Florida

139. if she didn't want me to make some sort of last ditch, nothing-to-lose

140. Kelly Ka-who run at her?

141. Hey Hey

142. Watson Carpet & Tile

143. One order

144. Order reference number 00983-126

145. Eight cases Bright White Inkjet

146. Paid

147. I'm dying

148. Processed And delivered.

149. Sometimes I get so bored I just wanna scream

150. And then sometimes I actually do scream.

151. what the situation calls for

152. Hey, I see what you're doing It's futile The V.P. position is mine.

153. Oh, please, you're through

154. She's going to give it to me as I'm giving it to her tonight

155. The cowgirl has chosen her saddle (CLICKS TONGUE)

156. Well, saddles (CLICKS TONGUE)

157. sometimes fall off

158. Especially if you don't properly cinch the girth

159. What? That's a joke, right? You see the way she's all over me.

160. If anyone's having sex with Nellie for personal gain, it's me

161. And I'm not joking at all

162. If you don't tighten your saddle you may fall off.

163. Who is ready for dinner?

164. "Oh, I bet it's pizza or tacos or something stupid."No

165. I went south of the border for this

166. and then I went south of that border

167. and we have ourselves a Jamaican feast, man

168. If I wanted Jamaican food I'd just hire

169. a bunch of bodyguards and go there

170. Additional trivia factoid this food comes to us through Val,

171. and our server is none other than Brandon her boyf.

172. Hey

173. How you doing, guys?

174. Jamaican, huh? I just read about the elections down there

175. Crazy stuff

176. Oh, no. I'm not actually Jamaican

177. Terrific

178. What's up, man? I'm Darryl

179. Oh, Darryl I heard about you

180. You doing good? Oh, yeah

181. You must be doing real good since you're (BLEEP) my girlfriend.

182. Whoa

183. Dude, you didn't tell me you were (BLEEP) Val High five!

184. I'm not sleeping with your girlfriend

185. Brandon, what the he are you talking about?

186. Don't play dumb with me I know what's up.

187. Honey, I am not sleeping

188. Hey! Hey. Let's get back to the food

189. Brandon, tell us about these delicious-looking goops

190. Hope you all like goat

191. Goat

192. Blow in my ear. All right

193. Like I'm on the beach

194. A seagull

195. And a wave crashing

196. A wave crashing

197. Oh, that is lovely

198. All right, that's gonna do it for me tonight

199. Have a lovely evening

200. Hey, how's it going?

201. Good. The heating system, though, in my room is all messed up

202. It's like 90 degrees in there

203. Maintenance is working on it Can I hang out in here?

204. Uh... Yeah, I'm just watching basketball

205. Okay. Yeah. Okay

206. Cool

207. Is this March Madness? I love March Madness.

208. Oh, no. That's not this. Because that's in March

209. This is just the NBA professional.

210. Miami Heat, actually. So

211. LeBron James Yes

212. Nice, good word association (LAUGHING)

213. Impressive

214. Oh, please anyone can tie a knot

215. The real skill is in untying it

216. Thornwood Wholesalers

217. One order

218. I read the texts you sent to Val, man

219. That's messed up

220. Is this spicy?

221. No, baby girl. It would be messed up

222. if I didn't find anything But I did, so

223. I'm pretty sure if Darryl sent Val a text

224. it was about some paper emergency or something

225. At midnight?

226. It happens

227. Like, a hospital needs more napkins for surgery

228. You guys, we're not gonna settle anything this way.

229. I think we just need to be grown-ups here. Thank you

230. I think we're gonna need to hear those texts

231. Kelly, remember how you wanted to go home before?

232. No. There's no way in hell I'm leaving.

233. Something interesting is happening here

234. For once in my life I am staying here.

235. Darryl, read the texts

236. Yep? Coming

237. All right Hey. My minibar is oddly out of rum.

238. We have plenty

239. Oh. Hello. (CHUCKLING)

240. You wanna watch the game with us? We're watching a game

241. The Heat game It's just a game.

242. Got it. Good night

243. Careful, Jim it gets easier and easier

244. No. No, no. Stanley? Stanley. Stanley?

245. Stanley. All right. Hey

246. You know. Just bring back those bottles!

247. Huh. The lights are still on.

248. Yeah. They keep them on, 'cause it's

249. less expensive than turning them on and off

250. I like how guys just know stuff all the time

251. Girls know a lot of stuff too, okay?

252. And nobody knows more than you

253. Especially me

254. (GASPING) Hello, waffle iron

255. Hello! What do we have here?

256. Okay, so the recipe says we need

257. a mixing bowl, a measuring cup

258. Get down

259. It's the fuzz (SHUSHES)

260. Do you want us to get scolded?

261. Shut your beautiful, beautiful mouth. Please

262. "I got too much ice cream you want some?"

263. "Getting my fry on.'

264. Boring

265. "The moon is huge tonight.'

266. Gosh, the moon one's damning

267. Yeah, sorry

268. That's regular text talk

269. You forgot one

270. "You're such a great friend.'

271. With the dots

272. "You're such a great friend dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.'

273. Five dots, Darryl? Are you kidding me?

274. Okay, 'cause three dots means to be continued four dots is a typo.

275. But five dots means "Whoa, do not

276. make me say what I want to say, baby

277. "but if I did it would blow your mind dot, dot, dot, dot, dot."

278. See? Yes, thank you, sister

279. Brandon, Darryl and me that's ridiculous

280. Right? Yeah

281. Totally crazy. Puts me in an insane asylum just thinking about it.

282. I'm stranded on Shutter Island over here

283. You look like Ed Harris

284. If they stretched him a little bit...

285. You wanna see a picture of me trapped under a tree?

286. Uh.

287. Excuse me

288. What? Not now. I'm busy

289. I'm sorry, I thought you'd want to know

290. that I saw a bedbug in my room.

291. But never mind. Sorry to interrupt.

292. Wait, wait, wait, wait Bedbugs?

293. Oh, no

294. Freak, I need a favor

295. Well, then you have to call me by my name Gabriel Susan Lewis

296. I've gotta be gone for a few minutes.

297. You make sure that Packer does not sleep with Nellie.

298. What's in it for G.S.L.?

299. You really want Packer as your boss?

300. Got it

301. If Jim has bedbugs, that means they're everywhere

302. I can't risk them coming back to Schrute Farms.

303. Our biggest attraction is our 200-hundred-year-old mattresses.

304. Where did you see it? In the bed

305. Well, I haven't seen anything

306. We gotta find it before it eggs. (GRUNTS)

307. Jeez

308. Describe it Brown, shiny, painful bite

309. Could be a bat weevil

310. Describe its mood. Did it seem sleepy?

311. Stressed, but to be fair it was a tense situation

312. Fair enough But after it bit you did it run away fearful?

313. Or did it walk away smug self-assured?

314. So smug. Like he thought it was funny. Like this

315. That's a bedbug. Yeah

316. Everything's a joke. I know

317. Check your hair

318. God! It's so greasy You should just shave all this

319. Just check it

320. You are clean. Okay

321. The one thing a bedbug thrives on is heat and carbon dioxide

322. I am gonna generate myself into a human trap

323. When I jump into the bed you are gonna

324. cover me with the sheet immediately

325. And then, we'll see who's laughing

326. All right

327. Yeah

328. Cover me

329. Is this really necessary?

330. He knows what he's doing

331. Let the bedbugs bite

332. God! I feel so gross I have to go take a shower

333. All right then I will catch you later

334. What do we do now?

335. We wait

336. (SHOWERING RUNNING) Come to Papa

337. No

338. No, I wasn't bitten

339. Okay, well, maybe it's not warm enough in here

340. It's plenty warm

341. And I was farting continuously under the sheet

342. creating a kind of a greenhouse effect. Come on

343. If there were any in here, they would

344. have imbedded themselves in me

345. You know what? Maybe they just ate

346. No, you're good. Clean bill of health

347. Besides, I gotta get back downstairs

348. I left Packer alone with Nellie for way too long.

349. Okay, well, they're fine, they're adults

350. No. That's the problem

351. Packer is trying to bed Nellie for the V.P. job, unless I do it first.

352. Is that really how you want to get this job?

353. Such a chorus girl

354. Okay, Dwight? Dwight? Dwight, Dwight, Dwight

355. Uh.

356. Is "crazy" gone?

357. Oh

358. They don't make these cords in boot cut anymore!

359. Aw

360. Pathetic, huh?

361. A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.

362. Hey

363. Yep, one Death by Chocolate one Bananas Foster.

364. Okay, cool. Thanks

365. Wait, this is why I exercise like a fiend

366. Feel. Seriously

367. Okay. All right

368. I'm really sorry. I just have to say it

369. I'm married

370. I'm very happily married

371. Oh, my God, what are you thinking?

372. Um

373. How little do you think of me?

374. I'm sorry, I feel like maybe I misread things

375. Okay. Let's just go back to watching

376. Can you without running to the other side of the room all night?

377. Yes. I can. Uh (LAUGHS)

378. All right. I'm really sorry

379. I think we'll just We'll just watch

380. You can watch, not watch whatever you wanna do.

381. Take another shower I don't care. Okay.

382. Whoo

383. Hey, Darryl, you okay?

384. She's got a boyfriend

385. Play it cool, man She'll come around

386. No, you should go for it. Mmm

387. I mean, nothing would've happened with me and Jim

388. if he didn't put himself out there

389. Yeah, but my friend Jim would tell you to play it cool

390. My husband would tell you to go for it

391. Hey. Hey Hey. Hey

392. This is fun A lot of fun.

393. I know. Can I give you a compliment?

394. I'm really impressed by how much you've grown

395. Since I met you it's like night and day

396. You should move down here with me Yeah?

397. We could be roommates Really?

398. We could get a dog we could go to R-rated movies

399. And who knows, I mean you're a guy, I'm a girl.

400. Yeah

401. Maybe in six months, we'll see. Six months

402. Okay. I'm in love with Kelly

403. Put your forehead near mine and see if you can read my thoughts.

404. Okay

405. Seven, one, one

406. Nine No, no, no not numbers. No

407. No, okay. Try again

408. Okay

409. I'm still getting numbers Seven, one, one...

410. Is anyone around here thinking the numbers seven, one, one?

411. Please stop. Okay?

412. Dwight, give me a key card to your room

413. Meet me in seven minutes for some one-on-one time

414. Wait, the numbers

415. There you go I will see you in seven

416. Seven minutes

417. Nellie, wait

418. Let me write my room number on the card

419. Win at all costs. Don't respect women.

420. These are the tenets p was brought up with, and they have served me well.

421. But my ancestors never worked in corporate America.

422. They were farmers, and before that, hunters,

423. and before that, time travellers, and before that, me again.

424. At least that's how the legend goes.

425. The point is, they never had to worry about how they got ahead.

426. They just had to put food on the table and not alter the past

427. 1434-967, paid

428. It has been processed

429. It has been delivered

430. That's it, last one (ALL CHEERING)

431. Andy, this has been an amazing night. Epic

432. Cool down fiesta begins right now

433. I got decaf coffee No way

434. I've got Romy and Michele's High School Reunion.

435. Hey

436. Can we just like never talk about it again?

437. Sure Okay, thanks.

438. Hey, just so you know me and you,

439. I don't think that's ridiculous. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot

440. All right. Now I think it's time for you to go

441. What? Jim

442. I thought we talked about this You're cool, right?

443. Cathy! Go

444. Where's the bug? Awesome

445. Stand back

446. Stop it! Oh, my gosh! That burns! What is that?

447. It's a compound of chemicals I pulled off of the maid's cart.

448. Oh, my God! Dwight, there

449. Oh, God! Stop it! Stop it

450. Big one! Big one

451. Stop it

452. Nice job, I think you got him.

453. (DOOR CLOSES) You can't stay here this place is a biohazard

454. If I were you I'd just bunk with Cathy

455. Second best Bananas Foster I've ever had.

456. Yeah, what's the first best?

457. Dwight? (KNOCKING)

458. Hello? Dwight?

459. Is that Nellie? Don't! (SHUSHES)

460. Are you in there?

461. on under your door

462. Hello?

463. Oh, look at that

464. The light went off just as I said the light went on

465. Hello? Dwight?

466. Dwight?