The Office 8x14

1. Ho-ho

2. Look who's back reporting for duty Hey, guys

3. Hey Hi

4. Pam! Ha

5. Look what I can do now that she's no longer pregnant

6. Bam! Bam! Bam! Pam

7. Are you glad to be back?

8. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I could have used another week, or three

9. You still had eight weeks more than we did.

10. Well, it's not exactly a vacation

11. Hello, everyone! Remember? Little old me. Hi

12. What are you doing here? You just had our baby.

13. Our collective Dunder Mifflin family baby four days ago.

14. I wanted to come back to work.

15. Not everybody needs some long, luxurious, Parisian maternity leave

16. Damn, girl! Your body! What?

17. Angela, you look amazing

18. Really? I feel like this big rhinoceros

19. Anyway, I wanted to thank you guys for covering for me, so I made some treats

20. I've got brownies and magic cookie bars

21. Mm-mm-mm

22. Angela, those brownies have walnuts in them and I think Kevin's allergic to walnuts.

23. You're allergic to walnuts right, Kevin?

24. Extremely, but I'm going to fight through it

25. It's okay, Angela. I have mommy brain, too

26. what that is, Pam

27. special for you, Kevin. Right here.

28. When did you find time to do all this?

29. Babies sleep a lot, Pam if you feed them enough

30. Brownie, Pam?

31. Thank you

32. Oh, my gosh It's really good

33. I'm watching my weight

34. Say, guys, you know what's an even more useful treat is cash. So

35. Nope. It's over. No. Okay We wanted to say thank you

36. Dwight, I have exciting news for you What?

37. going to like it

38. You can't tantalize me

39. Oh, maybe I can

40. I got an e-mail from corporate

41. that told me Okay.

42. that you got a promotion

43. Right? I mean, that's not the kind of thing you want to read quietly at your desk

44. If you make me head of sales one more time, I swear

45. No. This is legit

46. You will be assembling a team to go to Tallahassee for three weeks

47. to develop and launch a chain of Sabre stores

48. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes

49. Yes! Yes! Yes! (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

50. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes

51. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah Yeah! Yeah!

52. The Schrutes have a word for when

53. everything in a man's life comes together perfectly

54. "Perfektenschlag.'

55. Right now, I'm in it

56. I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate

57. a competent team I am likely a father

58. I am so deep inside of perfektenschlag right now

59. And just to be clear, there is a second definition

60. "perfect pork anus,' which I don't mean

61. And here's the fax for you

62. And here's some facts for you

63. Did you know frogs can hear with their lungs?

64. And that flamingos can have orgasms that last 30 minutes

65. Love to learn. Yeah, it's weird that I said that last one.

66. So

67. Yeah, look at that We're pin twins.

68. Pin twins (ERIN LAUGHING)

69. This is a gift from Jessica Kind of a gag gift, really

70. Real gifts come later

71. Yeah. That's cute

72. When I saw it at CVS it made me gag, too. Just

73. For a while there, I thought something would change, but nope.

74. Andy's still with Jessica

75. They even carpool together most days.

76. I don't know.

77. I wouldn't mind carpooling every day with Andy,

78. but I wouldn't want to spend that much time with Jessica

79. What do we have here?

80. Val knit me a beanie.

81. But I can't tell if it's a "We're just friends" beanie

82. or a "I'm hot, you're hot, let's get it popping" beanie

83. So I'm going to up the ante

84. Give her a clearly romantic gift.

85. And we'll get to the meaning of the beanie.

86. Pam, pack up your post-natal swimwear

87. make it a one piece or this offer is rescinded

88. and join me for a fantastic barbeque one week from today in Tallahassee, Florida

89. where I'm going to be living for the next three weeks.

90. Really? Mm-hmm

91. I'll fly anywhere for some good barbeque

92. Ooh, me three

93. (IMITATING BUZZER) No plus ones. This is for competent workers only.

94. And don't worry about the cost. Sabre is footing the bill

95. Does this have anything to do with what you were talking to Andy about?

96. God, you're such a spy.

97. Notice anything different about me?

98. You're wearing the beanie. You like it?

99. Super comfortable Like sweatpants for my head.

100. It's really itchy

101. uh, but to be fair, my head is constantly itching

102. so I can't really peg it on the hat

103. Wow. It's like the Nation of Islam down here.

104. don't hate.

105. Who's that for?

106. Oh. This is a gift for my man Nate here.

107. What? Yeah

108. Darryl, you shouldn't have

109. Can I open it? No, no, no maybe just later

110. Ah, I can't wait I'm sorry. I'm too excited.

111. Darryl

112. Wow. Those are really nice

113. They're so elegant

114. Cashmere How did you know?

115. Just a hunch

116. Your gift is on the way

117. Can't wait

118. "I'm glad you're in my life Happy Valentine's Day."

119. Darryl, I am glad to be in your life, too

120. Your card is more beautiful than the gloves

121. My first task as special project manager Dwight Schrute,

122. assembling a crack team.

123. I need people who are loyal,

124. people who will help me get an inroad with the gay Hispanic community.

125. People who won't be missed.

126. We don't need idiots.

127. Good for nothings.

128. Meth heads.

129. Or...

130. What's your name?

131. Cathy Cathy.

132. I just got a text from Robert California that says

133. "Bring your clubs to Florida."

134. Why? Does he think you're going to Florida?

135. I hope not. Because I am not going.

136. Two question marks?

137. No, just do one. Two question marks is kind of aggressive

138. You know, it's like "Well, what?"

139. Just do one

140. You want to take Darryl Phyllis, Toby, Angela and Oscar?

141. Yes

142. Can I interest you in someone less essential?

143. Like a Creed or a Meredith perhaps?

144. Oh, my God They're not expendable exactly

145. I can't think of the word I'm trying to find

146. Are you kidding me?

147. I'm supposed to get on an airplane with those nincompoops?

148. We'd never make it off the runway

149. All right, look, I got to keep this office functioning somehow

150. so I have put together a list

151. Here's your team

152. Darryl and Phyllis you can have

153. You're also taking Cathy Kelly and Kevin.

154. Oh, God. You have your team

155. Kevin? Kelly? Cathy?

156. Andy just gave me a chain with three weak links

157. Have you ever tried to use a chain with three weak links? I have

158. And now I no longer own an Arctic Wolf

159. Well, let's hear it

160. "Robert, hey," exclamation point I like it so far

161. "Got your text Awesome idea

162. "Let's hit the links the next time you're in PA. -J.H.'

163. It's perfect. You emphasize the golf, completely omit the Florida

164. Yeah, it's a golf text

165. Total golf text. Send it

166. Done. Wait, I just feel weird I should just call him

167. You want to call someone that texted you? Do you want to drive them away? I mean

168. This is Darryl

169. Sorry, I asked for the main shipment number.

170. I just need the address for the warehouse.

171. my girlfriend some flowers.

172. Your girlfriend? Is your girlfriend Val?

173. Yeah. Do you know her?

174. We're friends We're friends

175. Cool. So can I get that address or...

176. Yeah, yeah. Sorry I'm just looking for a pen

177. Why do you need a pen?

178. Back off I got my reasons

179. May I have your attention, please?

180. Could Cathy, Phyllis, Darryl, Kevin and Kelly

181. please join me in the conference room immediately?

182. Why? No big deal

183. It's just that you five have been deemed most deserving of a three-week

184. all expenses paid business trip to Tallahassee, Florida

185. Hell, yeah What?

186. I'm sorry, Stanley. I can't share any more details with you

187. You see Andy rejected you

188. Wait Cathy gets to go?

189. Why does she even still work here? Pam is back.

190. It just feels like a slap in the face

191. I can understand your pain. And your rage.

192. But you know what? Andy is an honorable man

193. Let us not question his choices. I'm sure he had his reasons.

194. We're not questioning his reasons. I just want to know what they are

195. I know. You and me both, brother.

196. It seemed kind of random to me

197. but he was pretty clear on who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime.

198. Well, he nailed it because I do deserve a vacation

199. Sometimes Batman's got to take off his cape

200. Good point. But we're going to be working pretty hard until 5:00 p.m

201. After that, it's going to be beach volleyball trips to Cape Canaveral

202. and sea kayaking with Gloria Estefan

203. What were the criteria for going?

204. It might be innate goodness versus innate badness

205. But there's an easy way to find out

206. Oh, Andy, got a few questions for you

207. Moshi moshi. (LAUGHING)

208. Uh, the Florida picks got out,

209. and people were just kind of curious as to why they weren't picked,

210. and maybe you could just clarify

211. Uh.

212. Well, the deliberations were confidential, so I feel like we should respect that.

213. Respect it? You're trying to tell me

214. Kevin Malone deserves more than Stanley Hudson?

215. Hey Okay, it's obvious

216. that Andy picked the people that are least important to the office.

217. Important? Because you and your enormous monster baby

218. are so important to the branch?

219. My baby is not a monster

220. Hey, be proud of your enormous monster baby

221. an enormous monster baby

222. Guys! Guys! Guys

223. Come on, seriously, we cannot let this trip cause this kind of rift, guys

224. Stop calling us "guys"

225. when I'm nervous, guys

226. Guys, guys, guys. Guys. Stop it

227. Stop! Stop it! Andy

228. Dudes

229. The dudes who are going to Florida were picked by Dwight and me

230. Okay, hey, I specifically remember

231. that there were a lot of other people I thought should be considered.

232. Uh.

233. If anybody's going to Florida, it should be me.

234. Every shirt that I have that isn't a work shirt is a Tommy Bahama.

235. I'm the only person in this office who watches Burn Notice.

236. Okay. I did not realize that so many of you wanted to go so badly

237. so if you feel like you have a very good reason to go to Florida,

238. I'm happy to hear you out. Great idea

239. So why doesn't everyone just take the next five to six hours

240. come up with a statement on why you feel you deserve to go to Florida,

241. and Andy and I will listen to it.

242. No, that is a ridiculous waste of time. For you maybe

243. Five to six hours? Three to four hours

244. No, no, no, no. No. Just two to three hours

245. Come up with a statement over the next hour.

246. Thirty minutes

247. I'm out

248. Okay, read it back to me

249. "Robert, great offer. Wish I could hit the links with you in Florida,

250. "but a father of a newborn really should be helping out his wife any chance he gets.'

251. Good. Doesn't sound pushy You're just stating a fact

252. Absolutely Works for me

253. Okay. Sending. (CELL PHONE WHOOSHING)

254. Well done. And we managed to kill the entire morning

255. We really did (CELL PHONE CHIMING)

256. He responded, "L.O.L.'

257. I am already...

258. I already picked my team, Darryl, Oscar, Angela, Phyllis and Toby.

259. And that is the team that I am taking.

260. What's that? It's not up to me? I only have influence?

261. Well, that's all Baltzer Glattfuelder had

262. and now no one eats owls for Thanksgiving

263. You have two young dynamic people in this office

264. who know trends who know youth.

265. That's myself and Kelly Kapoor you need one of us there

266. Or both? Not both. Just one. Me

267. Or if not me, Kelly Ideally me

268. Again, youth knowledge

269. that's what you get when you put Ryan Howard on your special project team

270. Or Kelly Kapoor. Again, not both. Thanks

271. Very impressive

272. He put a lot of work into that. Mm-hmm

273. PowerPoints are the peacocks of the business world

274. All show, no meat

275. Because I feel like that I am in a place with my gambling rehab

276. that I can finally start going to dog racing again

277. You know, just sitting watching, enjoying the sport

278. Maybe putting down a few dollars if there's like a crazy mismatch or something

279. Okay. Thank you Kevin, we'll let you know.

280. Thank you. When do we leave?

281. Thank you

282. It really has been a long, lonely winter

283. Wow. Seasonal affective disorder, a.k.a. SAD.

284. That sounds like a very real thing, Toby

285. It is real. Thank you for saying that

286. Yeah, wow, it's almost like

287. we're not all experiencing the same winter

288. Florida Stanley smiles Florida Stanley is happy to go to work

289. Florida Stanley is who you want on your Florida team

290. It's still... Well she does here

291. Hey, guys. Any spots left?

292. Erin, you want to go to Tallahassee?

293. I think it would be a nice way to clear my head

294. You know, I don't think it's a good idea for you to clear your head

295. any more than it has been already

296. a workplace where

297. the burdens of everyday life keep you tethered to reality

298. Either or

299. But if you can find someone to fill in, I would love to go

300. Well, it wouldn't be hard to find someone to fill in

301. Really? Oh, great. Good

302. Now, is it too dark to say that Cece's having an operation?

303. I think you need to go to Florida.

304. It's only for three weeks

305. You know, with my mom and sister at the house, it'll be

306. A total nightmare

307. because I'll have all the help I need

308. Yeah, that's what I'm saying They're incredibly helpful.

309. You're lucky to have them

310. With them there, you probably won't even know I'm gone

311. Exactly

312. Well

313. No. No! Absolutely not You are not going! Over my dead body, no. Andy

314. Toons, I'm really sorry

315. You're too essential to the operation here I can't let you go.

316. I wouldn't say that That's a bit much

317. You know, Dwight if you didn't want me to go

318. the smart move would be to tell Andy that I actually am essential to the operation

319. That way, I couldn't go

320. Jim is essential Hold on. I just want to get it on camera.

321. Andy, Jim is just too

322. Essential

323. This is stupid! Cut

324. All right. I'm going to pack my trunks

325. He doesn't even want to go.

326. Well, I got a text from R.C.

327. inviting me to come down so I think that's going to make us roommates.

328. Oh, my God

329. Hey, quick question, do you shower at night? Or do you shower in the morning?

330. Because I want to shower when you're showering to save some water

331. Okay, listen up, everyone Here's who's going to Florida

332. Cathy What?

333. Stanley. No

334. Ryan. No

335. Erin. (BLEEPING)

336. And Jim

337. You got to be (BLEEP) kidding me. Okay

338. Okay

339. Florida group, welcome to the team

340. Let's go

341. Step it up, you runts. You infants. Let's move

342. Why is it so hot in here?

343. Hot? What are you talking about? This is a nice, temperate Florida morning

344. Eighty-five degrees 73% humidity.

345. This is the exact environment that you will be facing

346. for the next three weeks of your life.

347. Welcome to Special Projects orientation.

348. The next three weeks of your life

349. are going to be the most miserable you've ever faced.

350. They're going to be hard They're going to be dirty

351. You're going to wish you were dead

352. But?

353. "But?" There's no "buts.'

354. That's it. You'll wish you were dead. You seem a little disturbed

355. Do you want to stay here? No. No. I want to go.

356. Because if any of you would prefer to stay here

357. all you need to do is ring this bell

358. Is that the buzzer from Taboo?

359. Shut up, maggot It is.

360. You don't want to go ring the be

361. Ring it. Ring it

362. How many of you have seen the documentary Deliverance?

363. How did a mosquito get in here?

364. I released 300 mosquitoes into the conference room.

365. Just temporarily

366. When I'm done, the frogs will take care of the mosquitoes.

367. Yes. And then he brushes your soft supple cheeks

368. with his worn leathery hands and says

369. "I'm going to make you the seventh Mrs. Rosenblat!'

370. Unless you ring the bell. Ring it

371. No. Ring the bell

372. You want to spend the rest of your life changing your husband's colostomy bags?

373. Huh? Do you? Ring it What? Ah.

374. What was that? Mosquito

375. Orientation's over

376. Darryl, hey

377. Hey, what's up? You called?

378. Yeah, you know, I felt really terrible

379. that you got me these lovely gloves, and I didn't get you anything

380. It's cool, really

381. No, it's anything but cool.

382. Now, I haven't really had time to go out and buy you anything, but

383. here goes

384. "This coupon entitles you to one free tickle monster attack."

385. Yeah. They're Nate coupons or Nate-pons And they're all different

386. Cash that one in and I will bring you a stick of gum

387. any time, any place I'll find you.

388. Thanks

389. Nice flowers

390. Thanks. They're from my mom.

391. Your mom?

392. Yeah

393. Oh

394. So I guess that was your mom who called me earlier looking for the address.

395. Real deep-voiced woman

396. Yeah, that's her

397. She said her name was Brandon, I think

398. Your mom's name is Brandon?

399. Yeah, Darryl. My mom's name is Brandon

400. out where I stand

401. This is a love beanie

402. Okay, Florida team let's reconvene.

403. I'm going to Florida And I'm not coming back

404. So Sabre has set up a conference room for our use while we're at corporate.

405. So what is this special project?

406. Basically, Sabre has tasked us with

407. helping them branch into the retail market place

408. They want to set up their own version of an Apple store.

409. That sounds awesome

410. It did. It did

411. You know what might be great?

412. Is if instead of a genius bar, we have a lounge area

413. where people can ask questions about the product

414. with other customers who liked it

415. Yeah, and they should have a place where people can check their computers or printers

416. before they see you, so you don't have to carry it around like a dope

417. Like a coat check

418. Oh, don't write it down unless you like it

419. Oh, I like it

420. It seems to me that the Apple store is kind of like a party

421. so I think our question is how do we make this a better party?

422. No. We sell business tools and the stores need to reflect that.

423. They need to be all business Let all the other stores look like a toy store.

424. Right. Think different From Apple.

425. Dwight, is now a good time to go over what you expect of us?

426. Yes

427. What are my expectations for the group?

428. I have been given the responsibility to manage Stanley, a solid player.

429. Ryan, who is capable of surprises.

430. Erin, an excellent follower.

431. And Cathy, a probably not totally useless enigma.

432. And, well, Jim.

433. Under the right manager that's not a bad team.

434. Perfektenschlag

435. I'm going to live here without you

436. Me neither. Hey, will you put this coat on my chair?

437. I just realized I'm not going to need it down there

438. Yes, I will take your coat.

439. And I will keep it with me

440. and I will sleep with it because it smells like you

441. No, no, no, no, no. Just put it on my chair

442. All right Bye

443. Bye. Call me when you land I will.

444. Safe travels

445. Goodbye for a very very long time.

446. Okay

447. It's only three weeks

448. All expenses paid

449. Yeah. Jim's going to be there.

450. That marriage is not good Nobody knows better than me

451. Definitely, we will

452. It's three weeks in Tallahassee. What else is there to do?