1. Val, I need the space
Copy !req
2. All right
guys, clear out
Copy !req
3. Everybody out
Copy !req
4. Promise me you're
going to clean up.
Copy !req
5. what I'm going
to do or not do
Copy !req
6. Promise me
Copy !req
7. Obviously
I'm going to clean up
Copy !req
8. Stress is like
the uptight mayor of a town
who's saying
Copy !req
9. "Hey, we're uptight
You can't dance."
Copy !req
10. And then, you have to be like
"Oh, yeah, Mayor Stress?
Well, watch this.'
Copy !req
11. And then, we dance.
Copy !req
12. Oh, how we dance.
Copy !req
13. Sex also works
Copy !req
14. Hey, Jim's back
from jury duty.
Copy !req
15. Hey! Tuna
He's back
Copy !req
16. Hey
Copy !req
17. Oh, look at this
Copy !req
18. Tuna wrap
Okay
Copy !req
19. Hand roll
Copy !req
20. How was jury duty?
Copy !req
21. Pretty uneventful
actually.
Copy !req
22. let someone like you
serve on a jury
Copy !req
23. Makes me question
the whole judicial system
Copy !req
24. What was the case?
Copy !req
25. A hit and run
Copy !req
26. Ooh! The case of
the hit and run.
That's exciting.
Copy !req
27. Did you send him
to the slammer?
Copy !req
28. No. Not guilty
Copy !req
29. Of course you
found him not guilty
Copy !req
30. (MOCKING) He apologized
And I just really
want him to like me. Mmm!
Copy !req
31. We're best friends
actually.
Copy !req
32. We're going
wine tasting next weekend
if you want to come
Copy !req
33. Not coming
Have plans.
Copy !req
34. Okay
Copy !req
35. I did get called
into jury duty
Copy !req
36. And they
released me around noon
Copy !req
37. so I didn't
think it was worth it
Copy !req
38. to come back to work
for a half day.
Copy !req
39. And then the next morning,
Pam was a little
overwhelmed with the kids
Copy !req
40. so I took an extra day
to help out.
Copy !req
41. And then
three other days happened
Copy !req
42. (COMPUTER BEEPS)
Ah
Copy !req
43. Angela had the baby
Copy !req
44. Is it black? Because
that would be hilarious
Copy !req
45. Why?
Copy !req
46. You know
Copy !req
47. Would it be more hilarious
than Angela
having a Chinese baby?
Copy !req
48. A little bit. Yeah.
Right, guys? Back me up
Copy !req
49. Maybe a little bit
Copy !req
50. Oh. Did I win the pool?
Copy !req
51. Uh, no
Right month
wrong year.
Copy !req
52. No one won the pool
Angela wasn't due
for another month.
Copy !req
53. We should all go to
the hospital and visit her
Copy !req
54. Oh, I'd love to, but
Copy !req
55. Oh, man, I would,
but I can't
miss any more work
Copy !req
56. Well, Kevin and I have to go
because accounting is
its own little family.
Copy !req
57. Yeah, Oscar's the dad
I'm Oscar's dad
and Angela's my mom.
Copy !req
58. Everyone,
our very own Angela
Copy !req
59. We all got the e-mail
Some of us are
going to go visit
Copy !req
60. Oh, I am so in
Copy !req
61. It's the perfect blend
of love and horror
Copy !req
62. Things can go
so wrong or
so right
Copy !req
63. Come on, Judge Judy
tell us your case.
What were the deets?
Copy !req
64. It was actually
a pretty boring case
Copy !req
65. How could it be boring?
You were there for five days
Titillate us
Copy !req
66. Yeah, you owe us.
I had to stay until 6:00
twice to cover for you.
Copy !req
67. My wife got to
the TV first.
Copy !req
68. I had to sit through damn
Rizzoli & damn Isles.
Copy !req
69. Yeah. My car got smashed
visiting one of your clients
Copy !req
70. and I had to have it detailed
and they took my meter change
Copy !req
71. Wow. I'm really sorry
Copy !req
72. Yeah
Copy !req
73. I never considered
that my week off
Copy !req
74. would make everyone
else's job harder
Copy !req
75. The least I could do
was give them a good story
Copy !req
76. So Phyllis
he was here and then
Copy !req
77. the car came and
it was like that.
Copy !req
78. Yeah, so it had
to be a double
backflip, actually
Copy !req
79. You know
when I was on J-duties
strangler case,
Copy !req
80. we used to recreate
the various stranglings
with empanadas from Ernesto's
Copy !req
81. Oh, man, Ernesto's
Copy !req
82. That was our
favorite restaurant, too
Copy !req
83. You mean food truck
Ernesto's was a food truck
Copy !req
84. Toby, shut your hole
about the empanadas
Copy !req
85. Nobody cares
about the empanadas
Copy !req
86. I was in Los Angeles
last year
Copy !req
87. Jim tricked me
into thinking I'd won
a walk-on part on NCIS,
Copy !req
88. but that's not important
Copy !req
89. While I was being
kicked off the lot,
I saw food trucks everywhere
Copy !req
90. Everyone in Los Angeles
eats from them
Copy !req
91. and nobody calls
them restaurants
Copy !req
92. (WHISPERS)
Guys, I don't know how
many of you have seen
Copy !req
93. Gabe, bring it in
Copy !req
94. how many of you have seen
a premature baby before.
Copy !req
95. It's going to be really tiny
so please don't say
anything offensive
Copy !req
96. Got that, bimbo?
Copy !req
97. Got it, bimbo
Copy !req
98. Yes?
Copy !req
99. Knock, knock. (GASPS)
Copy !req
100. Hi.
Uh
Copy !req
101. I don't want
What are you guys
doing here?
Copy !req
102. We wanted to say hi
to the newest
little Dunder Mifflinite
Copy !req
103. Well, meet our
not-so-little bundle of joy
Philip Halsted Lipton
Copy !req
104. Philip is so fat
Copy !req
105. Kevin
Copy !req
106. You warned me
not to say anything
if it was tiny, Oscar
Copy !req
107. You didn't prepare me
for a big, giant, fat baby
Copy !req
108. Yes, he's substantial
Hey
Copy !req
109. He's more than substantial
He's a monster.
Copy !req
110. So this whole
hit and run thing
Copy !req
111. there's this one part
I can't figure out.
Copy !req
112. You said it was
at a four-way stop?
Copy !req
113. Mmm-hmm
Copy !req
114. And the victim
rode his bicycle into
the left-hand turn lane
Copy !req
115. but the perp was already in
the left-hand turn lane?
Copy !req
116. Mmm-hmm
Copy !req
117. See, that's what I'm
having trouble with,
because the fact is
Copy !req
118. you never said he
was on a bicycle.
Copy !req
119. Busted, Halpert! Yes
Wait. No
Copy !req
120. Andy, get out here
Copy !req
121. was on a bicycle
Copy !req
122. wasn't listening to you
Copy !req
123. a citizen's arrest
Copy !req
124. You have the right
to remain silent.
Copy !req
125. You have the right
to beg for mercy.
Copy !req
126. You have the right to request
judgment by combat
Dwight's rights
Copy !req
127. What's up, gangsters?
Copy !req
128. Jim was lying
about jury duty
Copy !req
129. He was lying the whole time
so he could go
do yoga or go canoeing,
Copy !req
130. I don't know what
this pervert likes.
Fire him!
Copy !req
131. Dwight, not everything
is a conspiracy theory
Copy !req
132. saying that the victim...
Copy !req
133. Dwight I have me on the record
Copy !req
134. saying to you
take a chill pill
all right?
Copy !req
135. I don't need to
take a chill pill
Copy !req
136. Here, right there
Copy !req
137. Down the hatch
Copy !req
138. I really don't want
to take a chill pill.
Copy !req
139. That a boy, good
Now, chill.
Copy !req
140. Okay, okay
Copy !req
141. (SPEAKING CALMLY)
But let's just say that Jim
was lying about jury duty
Copy !req
142. you would have to
fire him, right?
Copy !req
143. Yeah, sure. Of course.
I'd fire him to Timbuktu
Copy !req
144. Ha-ha
Copy !req
145. Good enough for me
Copy !req
146. Ah
Copy !req
147. And Pam was just going crazy
trying to take care of Philip
Copy !req
148. because Cece has been
out of control recently.
Copy !req
149. Look, Andy, it doesn't matter
The truth is I just
feel terrible lying to you.
Copy !req
150. getting lied to
Copy !req
151. No one's ever
lied to me before
Copy !req
152. Okay
Copy !req
153. I think the best
thing to do right now
Copy !req
154. is just come clean
and tell everybody
Copy !req
155. No. Not after
what I told Dwight
about firing you. No
Copy !req
156. Here's what
we're going to do
Copy !req
157. We're going to have ourselves
a good old fashioned cover-up
Copy !req
158. You ever heard of
a Connecticut cover up?
No
Copy !req
159. You know why you
never heard of it?
Copy !req
160. Covered it up
Copy !req
161. Are you sure you can
keep this under wraps?
Copy !req
162. They used to
call me King Tut
Copy !req
163. because I'm so
good at keeping things
under wraps
Copy !req
164. My nickname was
actually King Butt
Copy !req
165. because I had
a king-sized butt
Copy !req
166. Where do you
want it parked?
Copy !req
167. Okay, everybody
Gather round.
Copy !req
168. Got a real special
surprise for you
Copy !req
169. Ernesto
Copy !req
170. Hola, Toby!
(GAGGING)
Copy !req
171. Uh, I'm going to say "l"
when I'm talking for Ernesto
Copy !req
172. so instead of,
"He says blah, blah, blah,'
Copy !req
173. I'm going to say,
"I say blah, blah, blah,'
but that's for him.
Copy !req
174. Anyway,
it was something like
he remembers Toby.
Copy !req
175. "I remember Toby.'
Copy !req
176. Oh, Jim.
Hey, this guy
look familiar?
Copy !req
177. It's the empanada guy
Copy !req
178. The empanada guy
Copy !req
179. Holy (BLEEP). Damn it, Toby
No, I wasn't asking you.
Copy !req
180. Ask him if he
remembers Jim
Copy !req
181. No
Copy !req
182. He says no
Copy !req
183. He says no. Boom
Copy !req
184. Yeah, but who remembers
all their customers?
Copy !req
185. I mean, I can name
like three of our clients
Copy !req
186. He remembers Toby
the most forgettable
man in the known world
Copy !req
187. He doesn't want
any trouble.
Copy !req
188. He sees lots of people
Copy !req
189. they come from all around
to eat his
delicious meat pockets.
Copy !req
190. Uh, you guys are
going to love these,
so empanadas on me
Copy !req
191. You guys got to try them
Copy !req
192. Usually I'm a burrito guy
but if you won't tell,
I won't. Wink, wink.
Copy !req
193. Great
And while we're enjoying
these delicious empanadas
Copy !req
194. Jim, why don't you
tell us your story again?
Copy !req
195. Why? Everybody's heard it
Copy !req
196. Walk us through it
Copy !req
197. What time
would you get there
every morning?
Copy !req
198. Hey, Murder, She Wrote,
Copy !req
199. how about we drop
the whole Murder, She Wrote
thing, okay?
Copy !req
200. Jim was at
the courthouse for jury duty
every morning
Copy !req
201. How do I know?
Because I drove him there
Copy !req
202. Why?
Why?
Copy !req
203. Why?
Copy !req
204. Because my car broke down
Copy !req
205. His car broke down
so he called me
Copy !req
206. because I live
near the courthouse
Copy !req
207. Wait, wait,
you live by the courthouse
Copy !req
208. You drove from
near the courthouse
out to Jim's house
Copy !req
209. and then back to
the courthouse?
Copy !req
210. Thirty minutes out
30 minutes back
easy hour.
Copy !req
211. And I would watch
that cute, little tooshy
Copy !req
212. scurry up those
courthouse stairs
every morning
Copy !req
213. and that was that
Copy !req
214. I'm sorry, do you have
any American Mexican food?
Copy !req
215. We're getting
buried out there
Copy !req
216. What was that stuff about
the car breaking down?
Copy !req
217. Well, I think you
handled it pretty well
Copy !req
218. I'm not Rumpelstiltskin,
Jim, I can't keep spinning
gold out of your (BLEEP)
Copy !req
219. Okay, listen, all right?
Copy !req
220. Dwight's onto us.
He's going to
figure it out really soon
Copy !req
221. So let's just
get ahead of it.
Let's tell the truth
Copy !req
222. I don't even know what
the truth is anymore.
Copy !req
223. Wow, it's so
Copy !req
224. healthy
Copy !req
225. I'm going to call
him Little Kevin
Copy !req
226. No, you will not
Copy !req
227. Is he really five pounds?
Because I squat
with five pounds
Copy !req
228. This
Copy !req
229. (GRUNTS)
Yeah, this feels like
more than that
Copy !req
230. No, no, no
he's nine pounds
seven ounces.
Copy !req
231. Nine pounds? Really?
Copy !req
232. I thought you said five
You know what?
I was under so many drugs
Copy !req
233. a James Taylor concert
or something
Copy !req
234. So, what did you bring?
Copy !req
235. Oh, yeah, I don't know
if it's right, but...
Copy !req
236. Well, if it's anything
like that
gorgeous wrapping paper
Copy !req
237. you hit it
out of the park
Copy !req
238. Oh
Copy !req
239. Preemie pajamas
Copy !req
240. Again, it may not be
the right size, I can
Copy !req
241. No, I think he came early
just so he could wear these
Copy !req
242. Thank you
Copy !req
243. Call of Duty.
Copy !req
244. This baby is
clearly not premature
Copy !req
245. They're lying about
the date it was conceived
Copy !req
246. It's very interesting
Copy !req
247. And her husband's gay
I don't even know
which thread to follow.
Copy !req
248. Uh, excuse me,
can I have everyone's
attention for a second?
Copy !req
249. First off,
I just want to say that
I'm really sorry
Copy !req
250. I didn't know that
my absence last week
Copy !req
251. would have been
a burden on any of you
Copy !req
252. Because,
though I did have jury duty
last week,
Copy !req
253. they did dismiss me
early on Monday.
Copy !req
254. And I think you're
going to find this
pretty hilarious.
Copy !req
255. I kind of, well
maybe took the week off
Copy !req
256. What?
Copy !req
257. Funny? No? Nobody laughed
Copy !req
258. You're screwed
Copy !req
259. Oh! It's happening.
It's really happening
Copy !req
260. What the hell, Jim
I covered for your
bony butt
Copy !req
261. Pam really needed some help
with the kids, so...
Copy !req
262. I promise my
intentions were good
Copy !req
263. Your clients,
they're all mine
Copy !req
264. Jim, I got my ass chewed out
because one of your orders
got messed up.
Copy !req
265. And Andy, you said
you drove him to
the courthouse
Copy !req
266. Uh, I did
Copy !req
267. Every morning
And if I didn't
then I hope I die
Copy !req
268. All right, well,
let's get this show
on the road, shall we?
Copy !req
269. Allow me to
give you a hand
Here we are.
Copy !req
270. So long, clump mate
Copy !req
271. I'm going to miss you
Truth be told,
Copy !req
272. I never thought
that this was how
it was going to end
Copy !req
273. I was going to
defeat you somehow
Copy !req
274. but you've
defeated yourself
Copy !req
275. Dwight, cut it out
I'm not firing Jim.
Copy !req
276. No, no, no, no
you said...
Copy !req
277. ANDY
I know what I said
Copy !req
278. Jim, you're in
deep doo-doo
you understand?
Copy !req
279. And I have one
thing to say to you
Copy !req
280. and I'm going to
say it in front of
this whole office
Copy !req
281. Look me in the eye
Copy !req
282. That's it?
Copy !req
283. This is crap
Copy !req
284. (ON ANSWERING MACHINE)
You've reached Gabe Lewis.
I'm currently indisposed.
Copy !req
285. Leave me a message. Ciao.
Copy !req
286. Gabe, it's Dwight again
Copy !req
287. Highest priority
triple urgent.
Copy !req
288. Call me immediately
That means ASAP
Copy !req
289. I'm going to find Gabe
tell him what Jim did
Copy !req
290. and let the little stickler
do what he does best,
stickle
Copy !req
291. Honestly, I can return
this for a larger size
Copy !req
292. It's fine
Pajamas aren't supposed
to be baggy, right?
Copy !req
293. It's not the barrio
Copy !req
294. The only
premature baby in this room
is the baby this baby ate
Copy !req
295. Little Kevin
Copy !req
296. Really?
Angela
Copy !req
297. Fine. God
Copy !req
298. Philip was conceived
nine months ago.
Copy !req
299. The Senator and I
wanted to wait
Copy !req
300. but we had just seen Thor,
Copy !req
301. and there was
way too much wine
in my chicken piccata
Copy !req
302. Chicken marsala
Right
Copy !req
303. And, the point is,
Philip was
conceived out of wedlock
Copy !req
304. Hmm
Copy !req
305. And now you all know
but you can never tell
Copy !req
306. I'm serious
Copy !req
307. Dwight
Copy !req
308. Hey
Copy !req
309. Oh. Hey, have you
seen Gabe?
Copy !req
310. He went to
the car or something
but he'll be back.
Copy !req
311. Okay
Copy !req
312. Don't you want
to see the baby?
Copy !req
313. Why? I know what
Angela and
the Senator look like
Copy !req
314. I can mash that up
in my head right now
Copy !req
315. wouldn't tell
Copy !req
316. So don't
Copy !req
317. Angela got pregnant
before the wedding.
Copy !req
318. What?
Copy !req
319. She got pregnant
before the wedding
Copy !req
320. How long before?
A month
Copy !req
321. You didn't hear it
from me
Copy !req
322. Yes, I did
Copy !req
323. Dwight?
Dwight.
Copy !req
324. Well, Angela will make you
cut your fingernails
It's not worth it
Copy !req
325. Oh
Copy !req
326. Yes
Copy !req
327. Oh
Copy !req
328. What a beautiful child
Prominent forehead,
short arms, tiny nose.
Copy !req
329. You will lead millions
Copy !req
330. willingly or as slaves
Copy !req
331. That baby is a Schrute,
and unless
somebody taught Mose sex
Copy !req
332. that baby is mine
Copy !req
333. He's hungry
Copy !req
334. Oh, that's my cue
to leave.
Copy !req
335. No, you don't have to
I'm going to
wear this cover.
Copy !req
336. Still
Copy !req
337. You won't be seeing
Copy !req
338. Do you want the giraffe?
Copy !req
339. Yes, I am bringing
my kids in to help me get
out of this hole.
Copy !req
340. And you all remember
my beautiful wife, Pam
Copy !req
341. Hi
Copy !req
342. Wow, I really thought
I'd be more
excited to be here
Copy !req
343. Whoa, whoa, whoa
Game face, baby.
Game face
Copy !req
344. Oh, right. Okay
Copy !req
345. Hey, Stanley
it's great to see you
Copy !req
346. No, that's overdoing it I think.
Copy !req
347. Hi, Stanley.
Split the difference
Copy !req
348. Jim.
Okay. Let's go
Copy !req
349. Hi
Copy !req
350. Hi, everybody
Copy !req
351. What?
Oh, hi
Copy !req
352. How about
a little visit?
Copy !req
353. Wow. What a surprise
That's crazy
Copy !req
354. You guys get to meet
the little heck raisers
Copy !req
355. Hey, Angela's back
with her baby.
Copy !req
356. Yes, well, you guys
all know Cece,
Copy !req
357. but we wanted to
introduce you
to baby Philip.
Copy !req
358. You guys
Copy !req
359. He's licking on my finger
just like my cat does.
Copy !req
360. Let me have a turn
Copy !req
361. No, it's
the pacifier's turn
Copy !req
362. All right
Copy !req
363. Did you say
something about
Copy !req
364. this one bringing in
something for these people?
Copy !req
365. Yes. Cece wanted
to thank everybody
Copy !req
366. for letting her
daddy stay home with her
all last week and play
Copy !req
367. so she brought
you a little treat
Copy !req
368. Oh, cookies?
Copy !req
369. No. But that
would have been
a really good idea
Copy !req
370. That would have
been really good
Copy !req
371. No, she
brought you drawings
Copy !req
372. Oh, my goodness,
let's take a look at these
Copy !req
373. They're usually amazing
so let's see.
Yep, they are
Copy !req
374. Uncle Andy
Copy !req
375. Oh
Copy !req
376. Aunt Phyllis
Copy !req
377. Wow. These are incredible
Cece, did you do these?
Copy !req
378. No
Copy !req
379. She says no to everything.
You know,
she thinks my name is "No.'
Copy !req
380. Cece, do you want
some broccoli?
Copy !req
381. Yes
Copy !req
382. No
Copy !req
383. It's crazy
Copy !req
384. Why am I
shorter than the table
that I'm standing next to?
Copy !req
385. ANDY
There is crosshatching
in some of these
Copy !req
386. That's kind of
advanced for
a 2-year-old.
Copy !req
387. Cece, this is your
big sister, Kelly
Copy !req
388. Did you color
this pretty picture?
Copy !req
389. No
Copy !req
390. So then this
means nothing to you?
Copy !req
391. Hey, Cece
Copy !req
392. why don't you draw
another picture for us
exactly like this one
Copy !req
393. or at least in
the exact same style?
Copy !req
394. You know what? I don't think
you need to do
things on command.
Copy !req
395. That's very weird
Just take that.
Thank you.
Copy !req
396. I think we should
just wrap up the show
kiddos, right?
Copy !req
397. else we can do here
Copy !req
398. Okay. All right
Copy !req
399. It's okay, sweetie
All right
Copy !req
400. All right. Okay
Copy !req
401. It's okay
Copy !req
402. Shh
Copy !req
403. Angela, this child
is definitely mine.
He looks just like me
Copy !req
404. Every baby
looks just like you
Copy !req
405. Your face kind of
looks like a baby
Copy !req
406. Need I remind you
that we were together
a month before the wedding?
Copy !req
407. That is completely untrue
Copy !req
408. Completely true
Copy !req
409. No
Remember?
Copy !req
410. You said that Robert
was not fulfilling you
Copy !req
411. And I said that I
could fulfill you
Copy !req
412. and you said
"I'd like to see you try.'
Copy !req
413. And then I kissed you
with the force of
a thousand waterfalls
Copy !req
414. That didn't happen
Copy !req
415. Then I inserted my
penis into your...
Copy !req
416. No! Stop it! Dwight
Copy !req
417. vagina and
Copy !req
418. And even if it did,
it's just a coincidence
Copy !req
419. Admit that
there is a chance.
I will not
Copy !req
420. Admit it
I will not
Copy !req
421. It's not
(DOOR OPENING)
Copy !req
422. All done?
Yes
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423. Yes. He's sleeping
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424. Before I go, may I?
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425. Sure
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426. Watch the head
Watch the head
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427. Nurse!
You know that baby in there?
Baby Philip?
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428. Cancel the circumcision
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429. Who are you?
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430. what that means
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431. We're going to
circumcise him
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432. Cece, want to come?
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433. No
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434. Want to come play?
Oh, bud, I know.
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435. Do you have a pacifier?
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436. Yeah. I'm looking
I'm looking for
the pacifier.
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437. Cece
Okay, we're going
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438. We got to go
All right,
we're going home
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439. I know
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440. You gotta grab her
I'll go grab her. Okay
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441. Okay. Here we go
Here we go.
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442. Okay, I'm just going
to go down to the car,
and I'm going to put her
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443. in her seat and
I'll be right back up
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444. We'll see you tomorrow
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445. No, no, it's okay
I'll be right back.
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446. No, just go home
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447. It's all good
We got this.
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448. Last week
Jim at home
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449. that was no vacation
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450. Jim, just go
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451. Hey, we'll be just fine
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452. Thanks, guys
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453. All right, here we go
Let's go
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454. Oh!
(SIGHING)
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455. Phew
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456. Dwight, what the hell?
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457. You can't smoke in here
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458. Oh, all right
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459. Ah
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460. The office
looks different now
Mmm
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461. Smaller
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462. Maybe I just feel bigger
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463. Hello, Gabe
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464. You had something
important to tell me?
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465. Oh. You know, I did
but now it seems
infinitely insignificant
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466. Jim? Oh, right
No, forget it.
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467. He was doing it
for his kids
I get it
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468. Kids drive us dads crazy.
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469. Sometimes I feel
like they're raising us.
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470. Am I right?
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