1. Val, I need the space.Copy !req
2. All right,
guys, clear out.Copy !req
3. Everybody out!Copy !req
4. Promise me you're
going to clean up.Copy !req
5. I can't promise what I'm
going to do or not do.Copy !req
6. Promise me...Copy !req
7. Obviously,
I'm going to clean up.Copy !req
8. Stress is like the uptight
mayor of a town who's saying,Copy !req
9. "Hey, we're uptight.
You can't dance."Copy !req
10. And then, you have to be like, "Oh,
yeah, Mayor Stress? Well, watch this."Copy !req
11. And then, we dance.Copy !req
12. Oh, how we dance.Copy !req
13. Sex also works.Copy !req
14. Hey, Jim's back
from jury duty.Copy !req
15. Hey! Tuna!
He's back!Copy !req
16. Hey.Copy !req
17. Oh, look at this.Copy !req
18. Tuna wrap.
Okay.Copy !req
19. Hand roll.Copy !req
20. How was jury duty?Copy !req
21. Pretty uneventful,
actually.Copy !req
22. I can't believe they let someone
like you serve on a jury.Copy !req
23. Makes me question
the whole judicial system.Copy !req
24. What was the case?Copy !req
25. A hit and run.Copy !req
26. Ooh! The case of the hit and run.
That's exciting.Copy !req
27. Did you send him
to the slammer?Copy !req
28. No. Not guilty.Copy !req
29. Of course you
found him not guilty.Copy !req
30. He apologized. And I just
really want him to like me. Mmm!Copy !req
31. We're best friends,
actually.Copy !req
32. We're going wine tasting next
weekend, if you want to come.Copy !req
33. Not coming.
Have plans.Copy !req
34. Okay.Copy !req
35. I did get called
into jury duty.Copy !req
36. And they
released me around noon,Copy !req
37. so I didn't
think it was worth itCopy !req
38. to come back to work
for a half day.Copy !req
39. And then the next morning, Pam was a
little overwhelmed with the kids,Copy !req
40. so I took an extra day
to help out.Copy !req
41. And then,
three other days happened.Copy !req
42. Ah!Copy !req
43. Angela had the baby!Copy !req
44. Is it black? Because
that would be hilarious.Copy !req
45. Why?Copy !req
46. You know.Copy !req
47. Would it be more hilarious than
Angela having a Chinese baby?Copy !req
48. A little bit. Yeah.
Right, guys? Back me up.Copy !req
49. Maybe a little bit.Copy !req
50. Oh. Did I win the pool?Copy !req
51. Uh, no. Right month, wrong year.Copy !req
52. No one won the pool. Angela
wasn't due for another month.Copy !req
53. We should all go to
the hospital and visit her.Copy !req
54. Oh, I'd love to, but...Copy !req
55. Oh, man, I would, but I
can't miss any more work.Copy !req
56. Well, Kevin and I have to go, because
accounting is its own little family.Copy !req
57. Yeah, Oscar's the dad, I'm
Oscar's dad and Angela's my mom.Copy !req
58. Everyone,
our very own Angela...Copy !req
59. We all got the e-mail. Some
of us are going to go visit.Copy !req
60. Oh, I am so in.Copy !req
61. I love maternity wards.Copy !req
62. It's the perfect blend
of love and horror.Copy !req
63. Things can go so
wrong or so right.Copy !req
64. Come on, Judge Judy, tell us your case.
What were the deets?Copy !req
65. It was actually
a pretty boring case.Copy !req
66. How could it be boring? You were
there for five days. Titillate us.Copy !req
67. Yeah, you owe us. I had to stay
until 6:00 twice to cover for you.Copy !req
68. My wife got to
the TV first.Copy !req
69. I had to sit through damn
Rizzoli & damn Isles.Copy !req
70. Yeah. My car got smashed
visiting one of your clients,Copy !req
71. and I had to have it detailed
and they took my meter change.Copy !req
72. Wow. I'm really sorry.Copy !req
73. Yeah.Copy !req
74. I never considered
that my week offCopy !req
75. would make everyone
else's job harder.Copy !req
76. The least I could do
was give them a good story.Copy !req
77. So Phyllis,
he was here and then,Copy !req
78. the car came and
it was like that.Copy !req
79. Yeah, so it had to be a
double backflip, actually.Copy !req
80. You know, when I was on
J-duties, strangler case,Copy !req
81. we used to recreate the various stranglings
with empanadas from Ernesto's.Copy !req
82. Oh, man, Ernesto's.Copy !req
83. That was our
favorite restaurant, too.Copy !req
84. You mean food truck.
Ernesto's was a food truck.Copy !req
85. Toby, shut your hole
about the empanadas.Copy !req
86. Nobody cares
about the empanadas.Copy !req
87. I was in Los Angeles
last year.Copy !req
88. Jim tricked me into thinking
I'd won a walk-on part on NCISCopy !req
89. but that's not important.Copy !req
90. While I was being kicked off the
lot, I saw food trucks everywhere.Copy !req
91. Everyone in Los Angeles
eats from themCopy !req
92. and nobody calls
them restaurants.Copy !req
93. Guys, I don't know
how many of you have seen...Copy !req
94. Gabe, bring it in.Copy !req
95. I don't know how many of you have
seen a premature baby before.Copy !req
96. It's going to be really tiny, so
please don't say anything offensive.Copy !req
97. Got that, bimbo?Copy !req
98. Got it, bimbo.Copy !req
99. Yes?Copy !req
100. Knock, knock.Copy !req
101. - Hi.
- Uh...Copy !req
102. I don't want... What are
you guys doing here?Copy !req
103. We wanted to say hi to the
newest little Dunder Mifflinite.Copy !req
104. Well, meet our not-so-little bundle
of joy, Philip Halsted Lipton.Copy !req
105. Philip is so fat.Copy !req
106. Kevin.Copy !req
107. You warned me not to say
anything if it was tiny, Oscar.Copy !req
108. You didn't prepare me
for a big, giant, fat baby.Copy !req
109. Yes, he's substantial.
Hey!Copy !req
110. He's more than substantial.
He's a monster.Copy !req
111. So this whole
hit and run thing,Copy !req
112. there's this one part
I can't figure out.Copy !req
113. You said it was
at a four-way stop?Copy !req
114. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
115. And the victim rode his bicycle
into the left-hand turn lane,Copy !req
116. but the perp was already in
the left-hand turn lane?Copy !req
117. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
118. See, that's what I'm having
trouble with, because the fact isCopy !req
119. you never said he
was on a bicycle.Copy !req
120. Busted, Halpert! Yes!
Wait. No.Copy !req
121. Andy, get out here!Copy !req
122. I never said he
was on a bicycle.Copy !req
123. I just said I
wasn't listening to you.Copy !req
124. I am making
a citizen's arrest.Copy !req
125. You have the right
to remain silent.Copy !req
126. You have the right
to beg for mercy.Copy !req
127. You have the right to request
judgment by combat! Dwight's rights!Copy !req
128. What's up, gangsters?Copy !req
129. Jim was lying
about jury duty.Copy !req
130. He was lying the whole time so he
could go do yoga or go canoeing,Copy !req
131. I don't know what this pervert likes.
Fire him!Copy !req
132. Dwight, not everything
is a conspiracy theory.Copy !req
133. I have Jim on the record
saying that the victim...Copy !req
134. Dwight,
I have me on the recordCopy !req
135. saying to you, take a
chill pill, all right?Copy !req
136. I don't need to
take a chill pill.Copy !req
137. Here, right there.Copy !req
138. Down the hatch.Copy !req
139. I really don't want
to take a chill pill.Copy !req
140. That a boy, good.
Now, chill.Copy !req
141. Okay, okay.Copy !req
142. But let's just say
that Jim was lying about jury duty,Copy !req
143. you would have to
fire him, right?Copy !req
144. Yeah, sure. Of course.
I'd fire him to Timbuktu!Copy !req
145. Ha-ha!Copy !req
146. Good enough for me.Copy !req
147. Ah!Copy !req
148. And Pam was just going crazy
trying to take care of Philip,Copy !req
149. because Cece has been
out of control recently.Copy !req
150. Look, Andy, it doesn't matter. The truth
is I just feel terrible lying to you.Copy !req
151. I feel terrible
getting lied to.Copy !req
152. No one's ever
lied to me before.Copy !req
153. Okay.Copy !req
154. I think the best
thing to do right nowCopy !req
155. is just come clean
and tell everybody...Copy !req
156. No. Not after what I told
Dwight about firing you. No.Copy !req
157. Here's what
we're going to do.Copy !req
158. We're going to have ourselves
a good old fashioned cover-up.Copy !req
159. You ever heard of a
Connecticut cover up? No.Copy !req
160. You know why you
never heard of it?Copy !req
161. Covered it up.Copy !req
162. Are you sure you can
keep this under wraps?Copy !req
163. They used to
call me King Tut,Copy !req
164. because I'm so good at
keeping things under wraps.Copy !req
165. My nickname was
actually King Butt,Copy !req
166. because I had
a king-sized butt.Copy !req
167. Where do you
want it parked?Copy !req
168. Okay, everybody!
Gather round.Copy !req
169. Got a real special
surprise for you.Copy !req
170. Ernesto!Copy !req
171. Hola, Toby!Copy !req
172. Uh, I'm going to say "I"
when I'm talking for Ernesto,Copy !req
173. so instead of,
"He says blah, blah, blah,"Copy !req
174. I'm going to say, "I say blah,
blah, blah," but that's for him.Copy !req
175. Anyway, it was something
like, he remembers Toby.Copy !req
176. "I remember Toby."Copy !req
177. Oh, Jim. Hey, this
guy look familiar?Copy !req
178. It's the empanada guy.Copy !req
179. The empanada guy!Copy !req
180. Holy. Damn it, Toby.
No, I wasn't asking you.Copy !req
181. Ask him if he
remembers Jim.Copy !req
182. No.Copy !req
183. He says no.Copy !req
184. He says no. Boom!Copy !req
185. Yeah, but who remembers
all their customers?Copy !req
186. I mean, I can name
like three of our clients.Copy !req
187. He remembers Toby, the most
forgettable man in the known world.Copy !req
188. He doesn't want
any trouble.Copy !req
189. He sees lots of people,Copy !req
190. they come from all around to eat
his delicious meat pockets.Copy !req
191. Uh, you guys are going to love
these, so empanadas on me.Copy !req
192. You guys got to try them.Copy !req
193. Usually I'm a burrito guy, but if you
won't tell, I won't. Wink, wink.Copy !req
194. Great. And while we're enjoying
these delicious empanadas,Copy !req
195. Jim, why don't you
tell us your story again?Copy !req
196. Why? Everybody's heard it.Copy !req
197. Walk us through it.Copy !req
198. What time would you get
there every morning?Copy !req
199. Hey, Murder, She Wrote,Copy !req
200. how about we drop the whole
Murder, She Wrote thing, okay?Copy !req
201. Jim was at the courthouse for
jury duty every morning.Copy !req
202. How do I know?
Because I drove him there.Copy !req
203. Why?
Why?Copy !req
204. Why?Copy !req
205. Because my car broke down.Copy !req
206. His car broke down,
so he called meCopy !req
207. because I live
near the courthouse.Copy !req
208. Wait, wait,
you live by the courthouse.Copy !req
209. You drove from near the
courthouse out to Jim's houseCopy !req
210. and then back to
the courthouse?Copy !req
211. Thirty minutes out, 30
minutes back, easy hour.Copy !req
212. And I would watch
that cute, little tooshyCopy !req
213. scurry up those courthouse
stairs every morning,Copy !req
214. and that was that.Copy !req
215. I'm sorry, do you have
any American Mexican food?Copy !req
216. We're getting
buried out there.Copy !req
217. What was that stuff about
the car breaking down?Copy !req
218. Well, I think you
handled it pretty well.Copy !req
219. I'm not Rumpelstiltskin, Jim, I can't
keep spinning gold out of your.Copy !req
220. Okay, listen, all right?Copy !req
221. Dwight's onto us. He's going
to figure it out really soon.Copy !req
222. So let's just get ahead of it.
Let's tell the truth.Copy !req
223. I don't even know what
the truth is anymore.Copy !req
224. Wow, it's soCopy !req
225. healthy.Copy !req
226. I'm going to call
him Little Kevin.Copy !req
227. No, you will not.Copy !req
228. Is he really five pounds? Because
I squat with five pounds.Copy !req
229. This...Copy !req
230. Yeah, this feels
like more than that.Copy !req
231. No,no, no, he's nine
pounds, seven ounces.Copy !req
232. Nine pounds? Really?Copy !req
233. I thought you said five. You know what?
I was under so many drugs.Copy !req
234. I felt like I was at a James
Taylor concert or something.Copy !req
235. So, what did you bring?Copy !req
236. Oh, yeah, I don't know
if it's right, but...Copy !req
237. Well, if it's anything like
that gorgeous wrapping paper,Copy !req
238. you hit it
out of the park.Copy !req
239. Oh!Copy !req
240. Preemie pajamas.Copy !req
241. Again, it may not be
the right size, I can...Copy !req
242. No, I think he came early
just so he could wear these.Copy !req
243. Thank you.Copy !req
244. I got Little Kevin
Call of Duty.Copy !req
245. This baby is
clearly not premature.Copy !req
246. They're lying about
the date it was conceived.Copy !req
247. It's very interesting.Copy !req
248. And her husband's gay. I don't
even know which thread to follow.Copy !req
249. Uh, excuse me, can I have
everyone's attention for a second?Copy !req
250. First off, I just want to
say that I'm really sorry.Copy !req
251. I didn't know that
my absence last weekCopy !req
252. would have been
a burden on any of you.Copy !req
253. Because, though I did
have jury duty last week,Copy !req
254. they did dismiss me
early on Monday.Copy !req
255. And I think you're going to
find this pretty hilarious.Copy !req
256. I kind of, well,
maybe took the week off.Copy !req
257. What?Copy !req
258. Funny? No? Nobody laughed.Copy !req
259. You're screwed.Copy !req
260. Oh! It's happening.
It's really happening.Copy !req
261. What the hell, Jim, I
covered for your bony butt.Copy !req
262. Pam really needed some help
with the kids, so...Copy !req
263. I promise my
intentions were good.Copy !req
264. Your clients,
they're all mine.Copy !req
265. Jim, I got my ass chewed out because
one of your orders got messed up.Copy !req
266. And Andy, you said you drove
him to the courthouse.Copy !req
267. Uh, I did.Copy !req
268. Every morning. And if I
didn't, then I hope I die.Copy !req
269. All right, well, let's get this
show on the road, shall we?Copy !req
270. Allow me to give you a hand.
Here we are.Copy !req
271. So long, clump mate.Copy !req
272. I'm going to miss you.
Truth be told,Copy !req
273. I never thought that this was
how it was going to end.Copy !req
274. I always thought I was going
to defeat you somehow,Copy !req
275. but you've
defeated yourself.Copy !req
276. Dwight, cut it out.
I'm not firing Jim.Copy !req
277. No,no,no, no,
you said...Copy !req
278. I know what I said.Copy !req
279. Jim, you're in deep
doo-doo, you understand?Copy !req
280. And I have one
thing to say to you,Copy !req
281. and I'm going to say it in
front of this whole office.Copy !req
282. Look me in the eye.Copy !req
283. That's it?Copy !req
284. This is crap!Copy !req
285. You've reached Gabe Lewis.
I'm currently indisposed.Copy !req
286. Leave me a message. Ciao.Copy !req
287. Gabe, it's Dwight again.Copy !req
288. Highest priority,
triple urgent.Copy !req
289. Call me immediately.
That means ASAP.Copy !req
290. I'm going to find Gabe,
tell him what Jim didCopy !req
291. and let the little stickler do
what he does best, stickle.Copy !req
292. Honestly, I can return
this for a larger size.Copy !req
293. It's fine. Pajamas aren't
supposed to be baggy, right?Copy !req
294. It's not the barrio.Copy !req
295. The only premature baby in this
room is the baby this baby ate.Copy !req
296. Little Kevin.Copy !req
297. Really?
Angela.Copy !req
298. Fine. God.Copy !req
299. Philip was conceived
nine months ago.Copy !req
300. The Senator and I
wanted to wait,Copy !req
301. but we had just seen Thor,Copy !req
302. and there was way too much
wine in my chicken piccata.Copy !req
303. Chicken marsala.
Right.Copy !req
304. And, the point is, Philip was
conceived out of wedlock.Copy !req
305. Hmm.Copy !req
306. And now you all know,
but you can never tell.Copy !req
307. I'm serious.Copy !req
308. Dwight.Copy !req
309. Hey.Copy !req
310. Oh. Hey, have you
seen Gabe?Copy !req
311. He went to the car or
something, but he'll be back.Copy !req
312. Okay.Copy !req
313. Don't you want
to see the baby?Copy !req
314. Why? I know what Angela and
the Senator look like.Copy !req
315. I can mash that up
in my head right now.Copy !req
316. I promised I
wouldn't tell.Copy !req
317. So don't.Copy !req
318. Angela got pregnant
before the wedding.Copy !req
319. What?Copy !req
320. She got pregnant
before the wedding.Copy !req
321. How long before?
A month.Copy !req
322. You didn't hear it
from me.Copy !req
323. Yes, I did.Copy !req
324. Dwight?
Dwight.Copy !req
325. I want to see the baby.Copy !req
326. Well, Angela will make you cut your fingernails.
It's not worth it.Copy !req
327. Oh!Copy !req
328. Yes.Copy !req
329. Oh!Copy !req
330. What a beautiful child. Prominent
forehead, short arms, tiny nose.Copy !req
331. You will lead millions,Copy !req
332. willingly or as slaves.Copy !req
333. That baby is a Schrute, and
unless somebody taught Mose sex,Copy !req
334. that baby is mine.Copy !req
335. He's hungry.Copy !req
336. Oh, that's my cue
to leave.Copy !req
337. No, you don't have to. I'm
going to wear this cover.Copy !req
338. Still.Copy !req
339. Still.Copy !req
340. You won't be seeing...Copy !req
341. Do you want the giraffe?Copy !req
342. Yes, I am bringing my kids in
to help me get out of this hole.Copy !req
343. And you all remember
my beautiful wife, Pam.Copy !req
344. Hi.Copy !req
345. Wow, I really thought I'd
be more excited to be here.Copy !req
346. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Game face, baby.
Game face.Copy !req
347. Oh, right. Okay.Copy !req
348. Hey, Stanley,
it's great to see you!Copy !req
349. No, that's overdoing it,
I think.Copy !req
350. Hi, Stanley.
Split the difference.Copy !req
351. Jim.
Okay. Let's go.Copy !req
352. Hi.Copy !req
353. Hi, everybody.Copy !req
354. What?
Oh, hi.Copy !req
355. How about
a little visit?Copy !req
356. Wow. What a surprise.
That's crazy.Copy !req
357. You guys get to meet
the little heck raisers.Copy !req
358. Hey, Angela's back
with her baby.Copy !req
359. Yes, well, you guys
all know Cece,Copy !req
360. but we wanted to introduce
you to baby Philip.Copy !req
361. You guys.Copy !req
362. He's licking on my finger
just like my cat does.Copy !req
363. Let me have a turn.Copy !req
364. No, it's
the pacifier's turn.Copy !req
365. All right.Copy !req
366. Did you say
something aboutCopy !req
367. this one bringing in
something for these people?Copy !req
368. Yes. Cece wanted
to thank everybodyCopy !req
369. for letting her daddy stay home
with her all last week and play,Copy !req
370. so she brought
you a little treat.Copy !req
371. Oh, cookies?Copy !req
372. No. But that would have
been a really good idea.Copy !req
373. That would have
been really good.Copy !req
374. No, she
brought you drawings.Copy !req
375. Oh, my goodness,
let's take a look at these.Copy !req
376. They're usually amazing, so let's see.
Yep, they are.Copy !req
377. Uncle Andy.Copy !req
378. Oh!Copy !req
379. Aunt Phyllis.Copy !req
380. Wow. These are incredible.
Cece, did you do these?Copy !req
381. No.Copy !req
382. She says no to everything. You
know, she thinks my name is "No."Copy !req
383. Cece, do you want
some broccoli?Copy !req
384. Yes.Copy !req
385. No.Copy !req
386. It's crazy.Copy !req
387. Why am I shorter than the table
that I'm standing next to?Copy !req
388. There is crosshatching
in some of these.Copy !req
389. That's kind of advanced
for a 2-year-old.Copy !req
390. Cece, this is your
big sister, Kelly.Copy !req
391. Did you color
this pretty picture?Copy !req
392. No.Copy !req
393. So then this
means nothing to you?Copy !req
394. Hey, Cece,Copy !req
395. why don't you draw another picture
for us exactly like this one,Copy !req
396. or at least in
the exact same style?Copy !req
397. You know what? I don't think you
need to do things on command.Copy !req
398. That's very weird. Just take that.
Thank you.Copy !req
399. I think we should just wrap
up the show, kiddos, right?Copy !req
400. I don't know what
else we can do here.Copy !req
401. Okay. All right.Copy !req
402. It's okay, sweetie.
All right.Copy !req
403. All right. Okay.Copy !req
404. It's okay.Copy !req
405. I know. I know.
Shh.Copy !req
406. Angela, this child is definitely mine.
He looks just like me.Copy !req
407. Every baby
looks just like you.Copy !req
408. Your face kind of
looks like a baby.Copy !req
409. Need I remind you that we were
together a month before the wedding?Copy !req
410. That is completely untrue.Copy !req
411. Completely true.Copy !req
412. No.
Remember?Copy !req
413. You said that Robert
was not fulfilling you.Copy !req
414. And I said that I
could fulfill you,Copy !req
415. and you said,
"I'd like to see you try."Copy !req
416. And then I kissed you with the
force of a thousand waterfalls.Copy !req
417. That didn't happen.Copy !req
418. Then I inserted my
penis into your...Copy !req
419. No! Stop it! Dwight.Copy !req
420. vagina and...Copy !req
421. And even if it did,
it's just a coincidence.Copy !req
422. Admit that there is a chance.
I will not.Copy !req
423. Admit it.
I will not.Copy !req
424. It's not...Copy !req
425. All done?
Yes.Copy !req
426. Yes. He's sleeping.Copy !req
427. Before I go, may I?Copy !req
428. Sure.Copy !req
429. Watch the head.
Watch the head.Copy !req
430. Nurse! You know that baby in there?
Baby Philip?Copy !req
431. Cancel the circumcision.Copy !req
432. Who are you?Copy !req
433. I just might be his father.Copy !req
434. I don't know
what that means.Copy !req
435. We're going to
circumcise him.Copy !req
436. Cece, want to come?Copy !req
437. No!Copy !req
438. Want to come play?
Oh, bud, I know.Copy !req
439. Do you have a pacifier?Copy !req
440. Yeah. I'm looking. I'm
looking for the pacifier.Copy !req
441. Cece!
Okay, we're going.Copy !req
442. We got to go. All right,
we're going home.Copy !req
443. I know. I know, bud. I know.Copy !req
444. You gotta grab her.
I'll go grab her. Okay.Copy !req
445. Okay. Here we go.
Here we go.Copy !req
446. Okay, I'm just going to go down to
the car, and I'm going to put herCopy !req
447. in her seat and
I'll be right back up.Copy !req
448. We'll see you tomorrow.Copy !req
449. No, no, it's okay.
I'll be right back.Copy !req
450. No, just go home.Copy !req
451. It's all good.
We got this.Copy !req
452. I have a kid.Copy !req
453. Last week,
Jim at home,Copy !req
454. that was no vacation.Copy !req
455. Jim, just go.Copy !req
456. Hey, we'll be just fine.Copy !req
457. Thanks, guys.Copy !req
458. All right, here we go.
Let's go.Copy !req
459. omCopy !req
460. Phew!Copy !req
461. Dwight, what the hell?Copy !req
462. You can't smoke in here.Copy !req
463. Oh, all right.Copy !req
464. Ah!Copy !req
465. The office looks different now.
Mmm.Copy !req
466. Smaller.Copy !req
467. Maybe I just feel bigger.Copy !req
468. Hello, Gabe.Copy !req
469. You had something
important to tell me?Copy !req
470. Oh. You know, I did, but now it
seems infinitely insignificant.Copy !req
471. Jim? Oh, right.
No, forget it.Copy !req
472. He was doing it for his kids.
I get it.Copy !req
473. Kids drive us dads crazy.Copy !req
474. Sometimes I feel
like they're raising us.Copy !req
475. Am I right?Copy !req