The Office 8x13

Directed by Eric Appel

Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer • Leslie David Baker as Stanley Hudson • Zach Woods as Gabe Lewis

Jim returns from jury duty, only to have to deal with Dwight's pesky questions about the details of the case. Elsewhere, Angela and her senator beau welcome their baby.

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1. Val, I need the space

2. All right guys, clear out

3. Everybody out

4. Promise me you're going to clean up.

5. what I'm going to do or not do

6. Promise me

7. Obviously I'm going to clean up

8. Stress is like the uptight mayor of a town who's saying

9. "Hey, we're uptight You can't dance."

10. And then, you have to be like "Oh, yeah, Mayor Stress? Well, watch this.'

11. And then, we dance.

12. Oh, how we dance.

13. Sex also works

14. Hey, Jim's back from jury duty.

15. Hey! Tuna He's back

16. Hey

17. Oh, look at this

18. Tuna wrap Okay

19. Hand roll

20. How was jury duty?

21. Pretty uneventful actually.

22. let someone like you serve on a jury

23. Makes me question the whole judicial system

24. What was the case?

25. A hit and run

26. Ooh! The case of the hit and run. That's exciting.

27. Did you send him to the slammer?

28. No. Not guilty

29. Of course you found him not guilty

30. (MOCKING) He apologized And I just really want him to like me. Mmm!

31. We're best friends actually.

32. We're going wine tasting next weekend if you want to come

33. Not coming Have plans.

34. Okay

35. I did get called into jury duty

36. And they released me around noon

37. so I didn't think it was worth it

38. to come back to work for a half day.

39. And then the next morning, Pam was a little overwhelmed with the kids

40. so I took an extra day to help out.

41. And then three other days happened

42. (COMPUTER BEEPS) Ah

43. Angela had the baby

44. Is it black? Because that would be hilarious

45. Why?

46. You know

47. Would it be more hilarious than Angela having a Chinese baby?

48. A little bit. Yeah. Right, guys? Back me up

49. Maybe a little bit

50. Oh. Did I win the pool?

51. Uh, no Right month wrong year.

52. No one won the pool Angela wasn't due for another month.

53. We should all go to the hospital and visit her

54. Oh, I'd love to, but

55. Oh, man, I would, but I can't miss any more work

56. Well, Kevin and I have to go because accounting is its own little family.

57. Yeah, Oscar's the dad I'm Oscar's dad and Angela's my mom.

58. Everyone, our very own Angela

59. We all got the e-mail Some of us are going to go visit

60. Oh, I am so in

61. It's the perfect blend of love and horror

62. Things can go so wrong or so right

63. Come on, Judge Judy tell us your case. What were the deets?

64. It was actually a pretty boring case

65. How could it be boring? You were there for five days Titillate us

66. Yeah, you owe us. I had to stay until 6:00 twice to cover for you.

67. My wife got to the TV first.

68. I had to sit through damn Rizzoli & damn Isles.

69. Yeah. My car got smashed visiting one of your clients

70. and I had to have it detailed and they took my meter change

71. Wow. I'm really sorry

72. Yeah

73. I never considered that my week off

74. would make everyone else's job harder

75. The least I could do was give them a good story

76. So Phyllis he was here and then

77. the car came and it was like that.

78. Yeah, so it had to be a double backflip, actually

79. You know when I was on J-duties strangler case,

80. we used to recreate the various stranglings with empanadas from Ernesto's

81. Oh, man, Ernesto's

82. That was our favorite restaurant, too

83. You mean food truck Ernesto's was a food truck

84. Toby, shut your hole about the empanadas

85. Nobody cares about the empanadas

86. I was in Los Angeles last year

87. Jim tricked me into thinking I'd won a walk-on part on NCIS,

88. but that's not important

89. While I was being kicked off the lot, I saw food trucks everywhere

90. Everyone in Los Angeles eats from them

91. and nobody calls them restaurants

92. (WHISPERS) Guys, I don't know how many of you have seen

93. Gabe, bring it in

94. how many of you have seen a premature baby before.

95. It's going to be really tiny so please don't say anything offensive

96. Got that, bimbo?

97. Got it, bimbo

98. Yes?

99. Knock, knock. (GASPS)

100. Hi. Uh

101. I don't want What are you guys doing here?

102. We wanted to say hi to the newest little Dunder Mifflinite

103. Well, meet our not-so-little bundle of joy Philip Halsted Lipton

104. Philip is so fat

105. Kevin

106. You warned me not to say anything if it was tiny, Oscar

107. You didn't prepare me for a big, giant, fat baby

108. Yes, he's substantial Hey

109. He's more than substantial He's a monster.

110. So this whole hit and run thing

111. there's this one part I can't figure out.

112. You said it was at a four-way stop?

113. Mmm-hmm

114. And the victim rode his bicycle into the left-hand turn lane

115. but the perp was already in the left-hand turn lane?

116. Mmm-hmm

117. See, that's what I'm having trouble with, because the fact is

118. you never said he was on a bicycle.

119. Busted, Halpert! Yes Wait. No

120. Andy, get out here

121. was on a bicycle

122. wasn't listening to you

123. a citizen's arrest

124. You have the right to remain silent.

125. You have the right to beg for mercy.

126. You have the right to request judgment by combat Dwight's rights

127. What's up, gangsters?

128. Jim was lying about jury duty

129. He was lying the whole time so he could go do yoga or go canoeing,

130. I don't know what this pervert likes. Fire him!

131. Dwight, not everything is a conspiracy theory

132. saying that the victim...

133. Dwight I have me on the record

134. saying to you take a chill pill all right?

135. I don't need to take a chill pill

136. Here, right there

137. Down the hatch

138. I really don't want to take a chill pill.

139. That a boy, good Now, chill.

140. Okay, okay

141. (SPEAKING CALMLY) But let's just say that Jim was lying about jury duty

142. you would have to fire him, right?

143. Yeah, sure. Of course. I'd fire him to Timbuktu

144. Ha-ha

145. Good enough for me

146. Ah

147. And Pam was just going crazy trying to take care of Philip

148. because Cece has been out of control recently.

149. Look, Andy, it doesn't matter The truth is I just feel terrible lying to you.

150. getting lied to

151. No one's ever lied to me before

152. Okay

153. I think the best thing to do right now

154. is just come clean and tell everybody

155. No. Not after what I told Dwight about firing you. No

156. Here's what we're going to do

157. We're going to have ourselves a good old fashioned cover-up

158. You ever heard of a Connecticut cover up? No

159. You know why you never heard of it?

160. Covered it up

161. Are you sure you can keep this under wraps?

162. They used to call me King Tut

163. because I'm so good at keeping things under wraps

164. My nickname was actually King Butt

165. because I had a king-sized butt

166. Where do you want it parked?

167. Okay, everybody Gather round.

168. Got a real special surprise for you

169. Ernesto

170. Hola, Toby! (GAGGING)

171. Uh, I'm going to say "l" when I'm talking for Ernesto

172. so instead of, "He says blah, blah, blah,'

173. I'm going to say, "I say blah, blah, blah,' but that's for him.

174. Anyway, it was something like he remembers Toby.

175. "I remember Toby.'

176. Oh, Jim. Hey, this guy look familiar?

177. It's the empanada guy

178. The empanada guy

179. Holy (BLEEP). Damn it, Toby No, I wasn't asking you.

180. Ask him if he remembers Jim

181. No

182. He says no

183. He says no. Boom

184. Yeah, but who remembers all their customers?

185. I mean, I can name like three of our clients

186. He remembers Toby the most forgettable man in the known world

187. He doesn't want any trouble.

188. He sees lots of people

189. they come from all around to eat his delicious meat pockets.

190. Uh, you guys are going to love these, so empanadas on me

191. You guys got to try them

192. Usually I'm a burrito guy but if you won't tell, I won't. Wink, wink.

193. Great And while we're enjoying these delicious empanadas

194. Jim, why don't you tell us your story again?

195. Why? Everybody's heard it

196. Walk us through it

197. What time would you get there every morning?

198. Hey, Murder, She Wrote,

199. how about we drop the whole Murder, She Wrote thing, okay?

200. Jim was at the courthouse for jury duty every morning

201. How do I know? Because I drove him there

202. Why? Why?

203. Why?

204. Because my car broke down

205. His car broke down so he called me

206. because I live near the courthouse

207. Wait, wait, you live by the courthouse

208. You drove from near the courthouse out to Jim's house

209. and then back to the courthouse?

210. Thirty minutes out 30 minutes back easy hour.

211. And I would watch that cute, little tooshy

212. scurry up those courthouse stairs every morning

213. and that was that

214. I'm sorry, do you have any American Mexican food?

215. We're getting buried out there

216. What was that stuff about the car breaking down?

217. Well, I think you handled it pretty well

218. I'm not Rumpelstiltskin, Jim, I can't keep spinning gold out of your (BLEEP)

219. Okay, listen, all right?

220. Dwight's onto us. He's going to figure it out really soon

221. So let's just get ahead of it. Let's tell the truth

222. I don't even know what the truth is anymore.

223. Wow, it's so

224. healthy

225. I'm going to call him Little Kevin

226. No, you will not

227. Is he really five pounds? Because I squat with five pounds

228. This

229. (GRUNTS) Yeah, this feels like more than that

230. No, no, no he's nine pounds seven ounces.

231. Nine pounds? Really?

232. I thought you said five You know what? I was under so many drugs

233. a James Taylor concert or something

234. So, what did you bring?

235. Oh, yeah, I don't know if it's right, but...

236. Well, if it's anything like that gorgeous wrapping paper

237. you hit it out of the park

238. Oh

239. Preemie pajamas

240. Again, it may not be the right size, I can

241. No, I think he came early just so he could wear these

242. Thank you

243. Call of Duty.

244. This baby is clearly not premature

245. They're lying about the date it was conceived

246. It's very interesting

247. And her husband's gay I don't even know which thread to follow.

248. Uh, excuse me, can I have everyone's attention for a second?

249. First off, I just want to say that I'm really sorry

250. I didn't know that my absence last week

251. would have been a burden on any of you

252. Because, though I did have jury duty last week,

253. they did dismiss me early on Monday.

254. And I think you're going to find this pretty hilarious.

255. I kind of, well maybe took the week off

256. What?

257. Funny? No? Nobody laughed

258. You're screwed

259. Oh! It's happening. It's really happening

260. What the hell, Jim I covered for your bony butt

261. Pam really needed some help with the kids, so...

262. I promise my intentions were good

263. Your clients, they're all mine

264. Jim, I got my ass chewed out because one of your orders got messed up.

265. And Andy, you said you drove him to the courthouse

266. Uh, I did

267. Every morning And if I didn't then I hope I die

268. All right, well, let's get this show on the road, shall we?

269. Allow me to give you a hand Here we are.

270. So long, clump mate

271. I'm going to miss you Truth be told,

272. I never thought that this was how it was going to end

273. I was going to defeat you somehow

274. but you've defeated yourself

275. Dwight, cut it out I'm not firing Jim.

276. No, no, no, no you said...

277. ANDY I know what I said

278. Jim, you're in deep doo-doo you understand?

279. And I have one thing to say to you

280. and I'm going to say it in front of this whole office

281. Look me in the eye

282. That's it?

283. This is crap

284. (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) You've reached Gabe Lewis. I'm currently indisposed.

285. Leave me a message. Ciao.

286. Gabe, it's Dwight again

287. Highest priority triple urgent.

288. Call me immediately That means ASAP

289. I'm going to find Gabe tell him what Jim did

290. and let the little stickler do what he does best, stickle

291. Honestly, I can return this for a larger size

292. It's fine Pajamas aren't supposed to be baggy, right?

293. It's not the barrio

294. The only premature baby in this room is the baby this baby ate

295. Little Kevin

296. Really? Angela

297. Fine. God

298. Philip was conceived nine months ago.

299. The Senator and I wanted to wait

300. but we had just seen Thor,

301. and there was way too much wine in my chicken piccata

302. Chicken marsala Right

303. And, the point is, Philip was conceived out of wedlock

304. Hmm

305. And now you all know but you can never tell

306. I'm serious

307. Dwight

308. Hey

309. Oh. Hey, have you seen Gabe?

310. He went to the car or something but he'll be back.

311. Okay

312. Don't you want to see the baby?

313. Why? I know what Angela and the Senator look like

314. I can mash that up in my head right now

315. wouldn't tell

316. So don't

317. Angela got pregnant before the wedding.

318. What?

319. She got pregnant before the wedding

320. How long before? A month

321. You didn't hear it from me

322. Yes, I did

323. Dwight? Dwight.

324. Well, Angela will make you cut your fingernails It's not worth it

325. Oh

326. Yes

327. Oh

328. What a beautiful child Prominent forehead, short arms, tiny nose.

329. You will lead millions

330. willingly or as slaves

331. That baby is a Schrute, and unless somebody taught Mose sex

332. that baby is mine

333. He's hungry

334. Oh, that's my cue to leave.

335. No, you don't have to I'm going to wear this cover.

336. Still

337. You won't be seeing

338. Do you want the giraffe?

339. Yes, I am bringing my kids in to help me get out of this hole.

340. And you all remember my beautiful wife, Pam

341. Hi

342. Wow, I really thought I'd be more excited to be here

343. Whoa, whoa, whoa Game face, baby. Game face

344. Oh, right. Okay

345. Hey, Stanley it's great to see you

346. No, that's overdoing it I think.

347. Hi, Stanley. Split the difference

348. Jim. Okay. Let's go

349. Hi

350. Hi, everybody

351. What? Oh, hi

352. How about a little visit?

353. Wow. What a surprise That's crazy

354. You guys get to meet the little heck raisers

355. Hey, Angela's back with her baby.

356. Yes, well, you guys all know Cece,

357. but we wanted to introduce you to baby Philip.

358. You guys

359. He's licking on my finger just like my cat does.

360. Let me have a turn

361. No, it's the pacifier's turn

362. All right

363. Did you say something about

364. this one bringing in something for these people?

365. Yes. Cece wanted to thank everybody

366. for letting her daddy stay home with her all last week and play

367. so she brought you a little treat

368. Oh, cookies?

369. No. But that would have been a really good idea

370. That would have been really good

371. No, she brought you drawings

372. Oh, my goodness, let's take a look at these

373. They're usually amazing so let's see. Yep, they are

374. Uncle Andy

375. Oh

376. Aunt Phyllis

377. Wow. These are incredible Cece, did you do these?

378. No

379. She says no to everything. You know, she thinks my name is "No.'

380. Cece, do you want some broccoli?

381. Yes

382. No

383. It's crazy

384. Why am I shorter than the table that I'm standing next to?

385. ANDY There is crosshatching in some of these

386. That's kind of advanced for a 2-year-old.

387. Cece, this is your big sister, Kelly

388. Did you color this pretty picture?

389. No

390. So then this means nothing to you?

391. Hey, Cece

392. why don't you draw another picture for us exactly like this one

393. or at least in the exact same style?

394. You know what? I don't think you need to do things on command.

395. That's very weird Just take that. Thank you.

396. I think we should just wrap up the show kiddos, right?

397. else we can do here

398. Okay. All right

399. It's okay, sweetie All right

400. All right. Okay

401. It's okay

402. Shh

403. Angela, this child is definitely mine. He looks just like me

404. Every baby looks just like you

405. Your face kind of looks like a baby

406. Need I remind you that we were together a month before the wedding?

407. That is completely untrue

408. Completely true

409. No Remember?

410. You said that Robert was not fulfilling you

411. And I said that I could fulfill you

412. and you said "I'd like to see you try.'

413. And then I kissed you with the force of a thousand waterfalls

414. That didn't happen

415. Then I inserted my penis into your...

416. No! Stop it! Dwight

417. vagina and

418. And even if it did, it's just a coincidence

419. Admit that there is a chance. I will not

420. Admit it I will not

421. It's not (DOOR OPENING)

422. All done? Yes

423. Yes. He's sleeping

424. Before I go, may I?

425. Sure

426. Watch the head Watch the head

427. Nurse! You know that baby in there? Baby Philip?

428. Cancel the circumcision

429. Who are you?

430. what that means

431. We're going to circumcise him

432. Cece, want to come?

433. No

434. Want to come play? Oh, bud, I know.

435. Do you have a pacifier?

436. Yeah. I'm looking I'm looking for the pacifier.

437. Cece Okay, we're going

438. We got to go All right, we're going home

439. I know

440. You gotta grab her I'll go grab her. Okay

441. Okay. Here we go Here we go.

442. Okay, I'm just going to go down to the car, and I'm going to put her

443. in her seat and I'll be right back up

444. We'll see you tomorrow

445. No, no, it's okay I'll be right back.

446. No, just go home

447. It's all good We got this.

448. Last week Jim at home

449. that was no vacation

450. Jim, just go

451. Hey, we'll be just fine

452. Thanks, guys

453. All right, here we go Let's go

454. Oh! (SIGHING)

455. Phew

456. Dwight, what the hell?

457. You can't smoke in here

458. Oh, all right

459. Ah

460. The office looks different now Mmm

461. Smaller

462. Maybe I just feel bigger

463. Hello, Gabe

464. You had something important to tell me?

465. Oh. You know, I did but now it seems infinitely insignificant

466. Jim? Oh, right No, forget it.

467. He was doing it for his kids I get it

468. Kids drive us dads crazy.

469. Sometimes I feel like they're raising us.

470. Am I right?