The Office 8x12

Directed by Charles McDougall

Zach Woods as Gabe Lewis • Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer

After Robert decides to sell his mansion following his divorce, Kevin suggests that he have an office pool party. Erin tries to make Andy jealous by flirting with Dwight. Meanwhile, Robert gives everyone a tour of his massive home.

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1. Oh... Oh...

2. What is this?

3. A meatball? Really?

4. It's always more fun to mess with Dwight with an audience.

5. That was usually Pam.

6. So now that she's out, I had to find someone else.

7. Turns out that Stanley is quite the comedy fan.

8. But not everything makes him laugh.

9. He has very specific tastes.

10. Through a painstaking process of trial and error, I found out what he likes.

11. And it's really weird.

12. Jim, come on. So juvenile.

13. What the...

14. You've been meatballed.

15. Are you ready for some meatballs?

16. Oh, man!

17. This is not very clever, Jim.

18. I know. Look for your stapler.

19. Really, Jim? Really?

20. Very funny.

21. Okay, good night.

22. What's the haul?

23. Thirty-two meatballs.

24. Good day.

25. That idiot's been feeding us for a week.

26. We'll never have to buy meatballs again.

27. Dunder Mifflin.

28. Jessica, hi, how are you?

29. Yay, that's so great to hear.

30. I'm not going to be one of those exes who can't move on.

31. They have their life and I have mine.

32. I'm taking an Italian class.

33. So far, I have learned tortellini, spaghettini, linguine.

34. Well, it's not so much a class as a restaurant.

35. But I do Monday, Wednesday, Friday from 7:00 to 9:00.

36. I will patch you through right now.

37. You sound really pretty today. Okay.

38. Jessica, I love you.

39. That's a message from my mom.

40. My parents met Jessica, and they completely flipped for her so,

41. they gave me this old family ring to use on her.

42. I know. Whoa. Pump the brakes, Bernard.

43. Too early, I get it. I just... You know,

44. I'm just carrying it around, seeing how it feels.

45. I haven't proposed to anyone in years.

46. Mom took the main diamond out. She thought that had more of a

47. "my little brother" kind of vibe to it. But...

48. Whoa. It's pretty nice.

49. Got a little bit of The Shining vibe, though.

50. Who needs a house that size?

51. Big, stupid, pure chump bait.

52. I'm selling the house, actually.

53. No, there's a glare from over here.

54. Oh, wow, that's magnificent.

55. It's mid-recession in a depressed area of a faltering state,

56. and I've got the most expensive house on the market.

57. The 1% are suffering too, people.

58. I bought it to be my Playboy Mansion.

59. A temple to wine, revelry, sex, intrigue.

60. This was hot on the heels of Eyes Wide Shut, mind you.

61. Then I met my wife, she moved in, made it her own.

62. Now she's left me and forced me to sell the place.

63. The ultimate insult, they're calling

64. my speakeasy lounge a rumpus room.

65. Does my turmoil amuse you, Jim?

66. I'm sorry. I thought you were making a joke.

67. What could you possibly have found funny in what I said?

68. What was the joke you thought you heard?

69. I guess I thought you were approaching it

70. with more of a sarcasm than misery.

71. Kind of laughing at your own pain.

72. Sad clown thing.

73. Oh, yes. How hilarious it is,

74. to laugh at clowns, the painted jesters of a dying circus industry.

75. Very funny, Jim. I get it.

76. Um, I'm getting reports of a serious outbreak of the "grumpies" in here.

77. A beautiful monster cost me my 40s and my dream home.

78. I think I'm entitled to the occasional bad day.

79. Well, please tell Susan we all say hi.

80. Dude, what if, since you're feeling grumpy,

81. we all swing by tonight and check out

82. your indoor pool? Kevin, no.

83. Like some sort of last hurrah?

84. Yeah. All of us in the pool, saying hurrah.

85. Maybe the last one that says hurrah is "it."

86. Well, I suppose someone should enjoy the place

87. before I hand it over to the staging experts at RE/MAX tomorrow.

88. Let's try this.

89. Everyone, tonight, my house, wear a swimsuit.

90. Let's just call it a get-together.

91. And let's say no food.

92. Hey, Oscar, was that you who just

93. created a party out of thin air or was it me?

94. That was you, Kevin.

95. It was me.

96. You going tonight, kiddo? Because I can give you a lift.

97. Oh, I don't know, Meredith, it seems like

98. you shouldn't drive, maybe ever.

99. It's no problem. You live right near me.

100. How do you know where I live?

101. Andy followed you home after the Christmas party.

102. Why?

103. He wanted to make sure California didn't put it in you.

104. Oh. Come on.

105. Wow. Andy's such a weird stalker.

106. Following me home like that when he has a girlfriend,

107. I should get a restraining order.

108. It is warm.

109. It's almost too warm.

110. I'm feeling 82, 82.5.

111. Oh. So close. Eighty-one.

112. Well, we'll say it's 82, and it'll be our secret.

113. Hey, late guy- Hey.

114. Wow. Just stopping by. Got another party to go to.

115. A wife and two kids at home party. Oh.

116. DJ Pam Halpert is spinning some serious Radio Disney tonight.

117. You're looking at the master of leaving parties early.

118. The key is you have to make a strong impression,

119. so you want to have a picture taken, you want to say some peculiar

120. non sequitur that people remember,

121. you want to note something unique, a talking point for later.

122. I don't mean to brag, but New Year's Eve, I was home by 9:00.

123. Robert, I just wanted to grab you for one second.

124. This place is amazing, by the way.

125. You should see the whole thing.

126. I bet I should.

127. That's beautiful. I'm going to e-mail that to you.

128. I'm just about to give the tour.

129. All right. Well. Join us.

130. You must see what you were laughing about.

131. I must.

132. Wow.

133. Yeah, that's some pretty serious poolage.

134. What are you doing? Hmm?

135. Flicking a bug off my weiner.

136. Gross.

137. I'm getting a drink. Do you want anything?

138. No, I'm good.

139. Funny how you can be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely.

140. Hi. Hi.

141. How is everything? How's your car?

142. It's great, you know, reliable, great mileage.

143. Is that so?

144. How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something?

145. Maybe get caught in the rain.

146. Well, I can't. I'm going skiing with Jessica.

147. Couple of dopes on the slopes.

148. Oh. Like a goodbye trip.

149. No. What?

150. Hey. Hi.

151. I guess Andy isn't totally over his current girlfriend.

152. But if he was jealous once before,

153. then maybe I can make him jealous again.

154. Just not with Robert.

155. He told me he was a ride I wouldn't survive, and I believe him.

156. Wow. You made it. Yeah. Yeah.

157. Uh-oh. Look at this. Red plastic cup, red plastic cup.

158. How about that?

159. You know, you are just as dumb at night.

160. Mmm.

161. There is... This would be no problem.

162. I could swim under one breath!

163. No! Show me. All right.

164. Dive in from here right now. Okay.

165. Hey, Dwight Snoot. What you doing? Wait, relaxing. Scram.

166. God.

167. Hey, Stanley, what happened to my pants?

168. I moved them. Pants only need a chair if there's a person in them.

169. Come on, don't you want to play?

170. Oh, really? Yeah.

171. You want to play, you little hick?

172. Dwight!

173. - Awesome! - Dwight!

174. Here we have the parlor.

175. I imagined people would set down their coats

176. and symbolically, their inhibitions.

177. This was the gateway.

178. You enter this room a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a judge,

179. but beyond it, you are simply a penis, a vagina, a hunger, an ache.

180. Susan used it as a Pilates studio.

181. Holy cow.

182. My wine collection.

183. How many bottles? Three hundred?

184. About 1,200.

185. What the hell, grab a bottle.

186. Less inventory for the lawyers.

187. Toby, Chéteau Margaux, '95.

188. You know your wine.

189. Well. And you have a... Yes, another château.

190. Robert, you are too kind.

191. Oh... Too kind doesn't begin to cover it.

192. With ammunition like this, we are in for quite a night, you and me.

193. And Gabey makes three.

194. Robert, thank you. Thank you for this, thank you for all this.

195. This night's been magical.

196. Jim, come see this next room.

197. I think you especially would like it.

198. Really? Why? I don't know.

199. Maybe not. Just come.

200. Do you regret attacking me now, hick?

201. Huh? Dwight. Stop it. I was flirting with you.

202. I was trying to use you to make Andy jealous.

203. I'm not going to help you.

204. Why would you choose me? Because I'm mighty?

205. Because I'm the manliest man in the office? I'll do it!

206. Stop. You stop.

207. No, you stop. No, you stop.

208. Is he looking? You can stop.

209. Okay, you can stop. No,no, no, he's not looking.

210. You can actually stop.

211. Whoa, you guys,

212. I just found this insane engagement ring.

213. Is anyone missing this?

214. The main stone's missing.

215. I don't know. It looks pretty great to me.

216. I pictured myself here every night,

217. eating a leg of mutton, the juices

218. dripping down my bare chest, wiping my fingers on the walls.

219. Then I met the vegan.

220. Good night. To the kitchen.

221. To the kitchen. To the kitchen.

222. To the kitchen.

223. - Onward. - Toby,

224. what's compelling about this is the note of persimmon.

225. Right? Note?

226. It's a symphony- Okay.

227. You have to join my wine tasting club.

228. I would love that.

229. Toby, you are playing a dangerous game.

230. I guess I'm through the gateway now though, right?

231. You know,

232. I don't think I've ever been in this exact angle before.

233. I'm scared of firsts, but I like it.

234. You guys got to try this pool.

235. No top scum, no Band-Aids, this thing is choice.

236. You in?

237. Yeah. Sure, sure, I'll be right in.

238. I've been working out,

239. but the problem is, I've been building muscle underneath

240. and that top layer hasn't burned off yet.

241. Awkward stage.

242. Mmm.

243. So good. Now take a chip, and crush it into my face

244. and rub the grease around. Do it. Yeah, rub it in.

245. Yeah. That's so good.

246. Andy's not even looking.

247. I think sexy eating is a dead end. Damn it.

248. What is the most romantic possible thing?

249. We can get some chicken fights going in the pool.

250. Dwight, that's just... That's really perfect.

251. Thank you. Yes. Yes!

252. You're in my lane!

253. Andy,

254. Dwight and I challenge you and Jess to a chicken fight.

255. Winner take all.

256. Chicken fight!

257. No, thanks. Dang it!

258. What the heck already!

259. Cathy, chicken fight!

260. Okay, yeah, who's going to be my partner? Where's Jim?

261. I'm right here.

262. Come on, Cath.

263. Yes!

264. Whoo!

265. Dwight, our chemistry is really clicking. We work so well together.

266. I know. I could just bang you right now.

267. He's not looking. Hey!

268. I had two bears sewn together to make this king size.

269. Total waste of two bears.

270. To both these bears.

271. - To both these bears. - Bears.

272. To both these bears.

273. When I put in the screening room, I bought three movies.

274. Caligula, Last Tango in Paris and Emmanuelle 2.

275. Mwa!

276. The last two movies I actually watched in here were

277. Marley & Me and On Golden Pond.

278. I mean, it's clearly meant for watching erotic cinema.

279. Yeah. We could watch some right now, if you want.

280. I've got a Korean film on my iPod.

281. If you want to just... If you have the cables.

282. Kelly, that's a crazy ring you found.

283. Yeah. Thanks, I'm really glad that I found it.

284. I can't believe you're wearing it.

285. Are you not superstitious at all?

286. Of course I'm superstitious, what are you talking about?

287. Ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy, right?

288. Am I just being silly?

289. I don't think you're being silly.

290. Oh, God.

291. You know what? I can just sell it

292. and put the money in the party fund.

293. Oh...

294. Then another woman will get it, we can't allow that.

295. We have to destroy it.

296. Come on. Let's chicken fight those two.

297. How was that? Okay, watch my toes.

298. Hey, Val, want a beer?

299. It might taste better than that pool water you've been drinking.

300. No, I'm good. Thank you.

301. Cool. Cool.

302. Does Darryl not swim?

303. That's racist. I don't know,

304. but I would say by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim.

305. That's all right! That's all right! We got this!

306. Yeah! Yeah!

307. Maybe we should take a little break. Dwight, we've got this.

308. I promise. I will not leave your shoulders no matter what.

309. Okay.

310. - One more? - Yeah. Great.

311. Mush! Mush! Mush!

312. Come on! Go!

313. Here we go.

314. Yay!

315. Whoa! Wow.

316. I cannot believe you're still on. I can't believe it either.

317. I've got this!

318. Erin, did we win?

319. Sure. Sure, we did.

320. You're lying. We didn't win.

321. Hey, hey, hey, Dwight! It's okay! Just rest. Just rest.

322. You've broken up your last couple, you evil ring.

323. Do it.

324. We're in the pool. Shove it, Angela.

325. Same old party, same old people, am I right?

326. Reminds me of Phyllis' birthday.

327. Ooh. Do not remind me of Phyllis' birthday. I know.

328. But boy, that Erin, she sure is a ripe little tiger, isn't she?

329. Meow!

330. And to think I always thought of her as a second Meredith.

331. Respectfully, I don't want us walking into

332. a similar Angela kind of situation. Mmm.

333. So I just want to make sure that you are completely

334. 100% done with Erin.

335. Last I checked, I'm with Jessica and I like to get my monog on.

336. It's monogamy for my hog and me.

337. Not what I asked. We're done.

338. Erin and I are over. Okay.

339. So then you won't mind if tonight I just go crazy on her?

340. Just go nuts...

341. With sex.

342. Have at it.

343. Or take it slow, whatever you guys work out.

344. You're an idiot.

345. Cannonball!

346. Let's do this.

347. Oh...

348. So I kind of stepped on this. I think it's yours.

349. Yeah.

350. Oh. Wow.

351. How did you know it was mine?

352. The Bernard family seal, duh.

353. Duh.

354. Sorry if your special night was ruined.

355. Oh, whoa, whoa, no, it's not a special night.

356. Oh, you weren't going to do it?

357. Honestly, Erin, I don't know what I'm doing.

358. I just...

359. I don't know.

360. Thank you.

361. Andy's confused.

362. That's not what I was hoping for. But it's not so bad either.

363. I can live with confused. I get confused.

364. I totally get confused.

365. And, of course, the pool.

366. Ultimate lubricant for any wild evening.

367. It was here that my parties would have crescendoed into true madness.

368. To madness.

369. Madness. To madness.

370. To madness!

371. Hey, I think you parked my car in.

372. Is there any way you can move your van?

373. Hey, I'm sorry. When I got here, I put my keys in a bowl.

374. Are you serious?

375. Robert, I want you to know, I'm here to rock with you as late as you want.

376. And that goes double for me.

377. I'll stay even later than you'd like.

378. Toby, I am Bacchus, god of wine.

379. And I am Bacchus' friend!

380. Gentlemen, bear witness, while I've been

381. mourning the nights that never were,

382. one of them has been unfolding here before me.

383. This is no get-together.

384. This is a party.

385. Yes!

386. And there's my talking point.

387. Yes, that's it. Push yourselves, boys.

388. It's not a party if you don't do something that scares you.

389. I need a breather.

390. You two keep going.

391. Hey, he's asleep. We can just leave.

392. So leave.