The Office 8x11

Directed by B.J. Novak

Zach Woods as Gabe Lewis • Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer

Pressed to boost the bottom line, Andy finds a novel way to improve sales, while Dwight explores corporate opportunities outside Scranton.

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1. Oh, yeah

2. Kevin! As soon as I heard that wrapper

3. You really have to say, "Oh, yeah,'

4. every time you eat a candy bar?

5. I can't help it, Oscar It's just really good

6. Oh, yeah

7. My hands are tied All right, not bad at all

8. 20 minutes, though so let's try again

9. Get it all out now if you have to

10. It was a raccoon eating a hamburger like a person.

11. You need to stop banging your pen on your desk,

12. or it's gonna drive me insane Okay, got it.

13. Does anyone have a first-aid kit?

14. Check out this song I wrote.

15. I'm gonna love you downstairs tonight

16. Listen, I say

17. I mean, he looked like a little Hamburglar

18. All right, here we go

19. Everybody get ready in three, two Good luck. One

20. Love letters. Yes, I love it

21. What else can be done with paper?

22. You can write a book about chairs

23. Books. Excellent, Jim

24. All right, Andy, please, please, just stop

25. You can do infinite things with paper. (GASPING)

26. Did you hear that?

27. Infinity. There is an infinity of things that you can do with paper

28. Now, who wants to buy some paper?

29. Yeah

30. Very nice Very nice sales pitch

31. for our clients that don't know what paper is

32. I'm talking about you guys

33. Who in this room right now wants to buy some paper?

34. Let's get high on our own supply

35. Andy, you want us to buy our own paper?

36. Yes

37. Robert said that we needed to double our sales growth to 8%

38. by the end of the quarter That's today, and we are $830 short.

39. And I can't afford to keep buying paper from us,

40. so today we need to sell $830 of paper,

41. and then next quarter I need to sell

42. the $2,200 of paper that's in my garage.

43. Animals, machines, vast virtual armies.

44. All of these things I have successfully managed.

45. The only thing I haven't managed is people

46. I saw an ad on the Sabre website

47. for an open manager position in their printers division.

48. I spoke to Robert California about it,

49. and he said for me to come by and see him some time.

50. So like a Spanish conquistador,

51. I have come to Florida to claim what is rightfully mine.

52. Dwight Schrute for Robert California.

53. Oh. Hello, Mr. Schrute I'll tell him you're here Can I get you anything at all?

54. I'm not here to be given anything

55. I'm here to take what is mine

56. Ooh. I'm glad you're on our team Here, please have a seat.

57. Dwight? What are you doing here?

58. Gabe. You don't know?

59. Of course I know

60. Hmm. Impressive office you have here

61. Surrounded by shrubbery Like a squirrel's office

62. Corporate says to me "Gabe, we need you in Scranton."

63. Scranton says, "Gabe, go back down

64. to Florida You're needed there.'

65. So Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm up there.

66. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I'm down here

67. I can think of no better way to confront my deathly fear of flying

68. Dwight. Robert

69. You made it Yes

70. Impressive initiative

71. I don't know what's worse the trip or the destination.

72. Well, let me settle in

73. And I'll be with you shortly

74. Very good

75. Hey, C-SPAN

76. So my Dad says an accountant can really help you out

77. if they're willing to play ball. Those were his words

78. Gosh, Andy, you had a great quarter, okay?

79. Robert will understand $800 is a rounding error

80. So make that error Andy, no

81. Hey, I can make that error Oh

82. Well, it's just I know that making errors sounds like your kind of thing,

83. but it's a little more complicated than that. No, I

84. It's just I really need a real accountant on this

85. What do you say?

86. because tonight I have a trivia contest in Philadelphia

87. Aw

88. Any other crunch time I would love

89. to stay and cook the books for you

90. so you can save face in front of your CEO

91. but tonight is Triviacolypse What?

92. It's only the biggest night of trivia of the year

93. There's a $1,000 prize

94. I'm committed to my friends They're committed to me

95. You know what? Go. Have fun

96. There's a trivia contest at a bar in Philadelphia

97. Stop right there I love it. I'm in.

98. It's trivia. In Philadelphia

99. But here's the best part The prize is $1,000

100. and if we win, we can use that money to buy paper here

101. close the gap on our 8% profit increase.

102. That's a great idea. Yeah That's a great plan.

103. Yeah? You like it? All right All right, good stuff.

104. I'm so psyched you guys are into it, 'cause I thought

105. "This sounds really stupid.'

106. You just made a good idea a great idea.

107. There is one problem with this plan What?

108. We'd have to leave work like, right now to do this

109. You can reduce your prices by 10%

110. or we're gonna be finding a new source for our morning bagels

111. All right

112. Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here

113. Now I found out You're the bagel guy

114. Yeah, but not just bagels All unwanted problems.

115. Question What's the most important appliance in your house?

116. Meat grinder. (IMITATES BUZZER) Too slow. It's the toilet

117. And I am the toilet of this office

118. annoying problems

119. so others can keep their hands clean,

120. and just like a toilet I am essential.

121. You know, Gabe, you could have gone

122. with garbage disposal incinerator, or eraser

123. And instead you chose toilet

124. God bless you You are an American classic

125. Dwight, today is not my day at all, I'm afraid

126. I'm not going to be able to meet with you

127. But I'm leaving you in the very capable hands of our COO

128. But I can give you this pitch in one minute

129. He's gonna meet with you later.

130. No, no, no. I don't want you to rush it, okay?

131. Trust me. Meet with Bill

132. He's a great person to know I'll dialog with him tonight

133. CEO to COO What a difference a letter makes.

134. Still an important position Still a chief.

135. You're really going to like Bill

136. He has me toilet a lot of people for him

137. Hallway phone. Gabe Lewis speaking

138. Gabe, listen to me. Don't bother Bill with this.

139. He needs to go put out a fire on the home front.

140. Just wait 20 minutes, and then I want you to listen to Dwight's p\itch.

141. Make him feel valued. Make him feel heard.

142. Your wish is my command

143. It's a command.

144. What are you doing here, Andy? You left us no choice

145. But this should put a smile on your face

146. How would you like to be captain of the Dunder Mifflin team?

147. Although I reserve the right to overrule you What? No.

148. And you guys thought this was a good idea?

149. a fun idea.

150. There were times on the two and a half hour drive when I experienced doubt

151. But that's the thing about long drives

152. you know? You're always going

153. This is a gay bar Wait, what?

154. Everyone in here is gay?

155. Yes. It's a gay bar so you guys want to go home now?

156. No. No

157. No Awesome

158. What does this say about you that you followed me here?

159. That you think you're going to win

160. your sales quota at a gay bar's trivia night?

161. It says that I believe in my staff's intelligence

162. and that I'm willing to try anything

163. Not "anything.'

164. Good luck

165. All right, we need to divide up into teams

166. but it's winner take all so no need to divide evenly

167. We need an A team a backup team, and a just-have-fun team

168. So you guys all know yourselves

169. Good timers, follow me

170. Back-ups

171. Go on, kid. You know you don't belong here

172. A team Okay

173. All right, everybody, nice self awareness

174. Except

175. Okay

176. There's a table over here

177. All right, first question, everyone.

178. Ray Charles famously had this state on his mind.

179. What is its capital?

180. Oh, we got this

181. Let's reverse engineer this

182. You're a black singer Where do you go?

183. Somewhere where you're a novelty

184. Alaska Atlanta.

185. I know you think that, because that's where the Olympics were held

186. My cousins were actually at those Olympics

187. Keep talking all you want

188. How am I supposed to know what was on his mind?

189. Ooh! What do blind people think about?

190. Okay, dogs, canes signs, manholes, stairs piano, darkness.

191. Okay, time's up. Let's get the boards up.

192. Atlanta, Georgia is the correct answer.

193. What?

194. Hey, man. Uh

195. Look, unfortunately, Bill had to go fight a fire

196. so, your appointment got

197. There's no fires within eight miles of here

198. Well, it's nine miles away

199. I'm going to be meeting with you on his behalf.

200. What? No, no. Excuse me, lady

201. Get anyone from the COO's office on the phone this instant

202. This must be very frustrating

203. I can see you in the jungle now

204. Hey, now, you're not an All-Star of the NBA, but you did get your game on

205. when you won the NBA's Sixth Man of the Year Award in 2011.

206. Who are you?

207. Jim, Darryl, your time to shine

208. Shawn Marion. Yes. Shawn Marion

209. That doesn't sound right I want to say LaDamien Washington?

210. Wrong for so many reasons

211. Well, I know Elizabeth Taylor's sixth man

212. was Richard Burton Is that helpful?

213. That's it. I'm gonna go watch the boats on the river

214. Ron Artest, Kelly

215. No, it's Lamar Odom

216. If it had been Ron Artest it would have

217. come up on Dancing with the Stars

218. when they pan over his trophy case

219. when he's at home with his family

220. Lamar winning Sixth Man was a big storyline on Chloe and Lamar.

221. All right, boards up. Let's see who got it.

222. Lamar Odom is what we were looking for.

223. Lamar Odom.

224. Oh, my God Lamar Odom

225. Nice. Nicely done

226. You're my sports guys You're ESPN. You're ESPN Classic

227. Ryan is MSNBC. I'm E! TLC and Oxygen

228. Chill, man. This plan is airtight

229. So it's a very simple argument

230. of why I should be put in charge of southeast printer sales

231. Nobody has sold more printers in the northeast than me.

232. Bottom line, I know the product I get it.

233. Well, you got my vote

234. Oh, my God Yeah.

235. Most of all, I believe that character is destiny

236. and my character is one that...

237. Wait, why are you smiling?

238. What? What's with the smile?

239. You're doing great So good.

240. And my character is one that will never give up

241. until greatness is on the horizon behind us

242. Dwight, that was a fantastic presentation. Put your hand on my hand

243. Flush

244. Ow

245. Take me to Robert Ow. He went home.

246. Take me to his house It's a condo.

247. It's long-term business housing

248. You know where it is Lead me there

249. Ow. Stephanie, help

250. Listen, you're a perfectly fine toilet

251. I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap. Let's go.

252. Ow

253. Excuse me, sir, on the Dunder Mifflin A team.

254. Excuse me, sir. Yeah?

255. I'm sure you're just checking your Grindr account.

256. But you can't check smartphones

257. during trivia. It's against the rules.

258. Okay, I'm turning it off

259. Okay, you're not turning it off.

260. Sir.

261. Okay, then we're gonna have to take it away.

262. Thank you. Thank you.

263. Okay, I can't not have my phone. I'm sorry

264. All right, guys, after nine rounds, let's check the scores.

265. In first place with nine points, it's Aesop's Foibles.

266. The Queerenstein Bears have seven points.

267. Dunder Mifflin A team has four points.

268. All right

269. The D.M. Backup Team has three points.

270. The Einsteins have eight points. (CHEERING)

271. Ladies Gaga have five points.

272. Yeah

273. So our best chance of hitting our mark

274. is now in the hands and brains of Kevin Meredith, Erin and Kelly

275. Do I like these odds?

276. My answer is no. Whoo!

277. Which one is it? I don't know! All I know is the building

278. Robert! Robert California

279. Robert Dwight

280. How nice of Gabe to show you where I live

281. Come around, 102

282. All right, guys, time's up.

283. Who was the relatively unknown patent clerk

284. who discovered that energy equals

285. mass times the speed of light squared?

286. Looks like everyone gets a point for Albert Einstein.

287. Wait, except for the Einsteins.

288. That's all right.

289. Which means the top three teams

290. are going to finish it off in the speed round.

291. So let's get everyone some bells.

292. In third place, we have the Einsteins.

293. Oh, yeah What?

294. Second place, we have the Queerenstein Bears.

295. Yeah Come on!

296. And first place is Aesop's Foibles.

297. Whoo

298. Yeah, but they're going to get clobbered

299. Ring it in when you know it. First question.

300. This man had a fatwa declared on him when...

301. Einsteins?

302. What? What is it?

303. I'm just the bell girl

304. (BELL DINGING) Aesop's?

305. Salman Rushdie. Salman Rushdie is correct.

306. Heading out to sea, sailors.

307. On a square-rigged ship, the sail

308. set furthest forward is called what?

309. Princess Ding-Dong do not hit that bell...

310. Flying jib

311. Flying jib is correct for the Einsteins.

312. Flying jib. Flying jib

313. No way

314. Gentlemen

315. Give us just a minute. Stew and I are just finishing up our lesson

316. Trust me, one nine-minute bout

317. is a cardiovascular equivalent of running uphill for three hours.

318. I could go to the gym three times a week

319. or I can wrestle Stew once a month

320. Grab my leg

321. Yay, Robert

322. Guys, please help yourself to some drinks from the fridge.

323. According to a recent survey,

324. this is the most common learning disability among American adolescents.

325. Boom! ADHD No.

326. (DINGS) Wrong. The answer is dyslexia

327. That's correct for the Einsteins.

328. All right Whoo! Yeah

329. Sir, sir. Dial it back. This isn't Tail Feathers, okay?

330. Yeah

331. They haven't really improved on the Oreo, have they?

332. No, thank you

333. Sit down, Dwight

334. Let me tell you why I should be

335. the next manager with a riddle.

336. A manager a salesman, a leader

337. and a warrior walk into a restaurant.

338. The hostess says "Table for one?"

339. How is this possible?

340. You were dining alone All those people are you

341. Yes. Exactly. Riddle number two Who is going...

342. Your drive, your ambition it would be wasted on a manager's job.

343. And Florida, you don't want to live here

344. Even I don't want to live here

345. It's why I'm always at my place in Scranton

346. Florida is America's basement

347. It's wet. It's filled with mold strange insects, alligators

348. Alligators are dinosaurs, Dwight. You know that, right?

349. Eh... It's complicated

350. This medal was my grandfather's

351. He received it for acts of courage for excellence

352. It's a tribute one man gives another

353. a job, Dwight.

354. But why not let me give you something even better?

355. It's a job interview Not a flea market.

356. Dwight, the job is not right for you.

357. Now, when something comes along

358. that is right for you I'll try you out.

359. Now get the he out of my place

360. Yes

361. Final round. Last two teams squaring off.

362. ready to play doctor.

363. Our question is about health and the human body.

364. Oh, come on

365. The standard American analog scale

366. has a maximum capacity of what weight? (DINGING)

367. Three hundred pounds

368. Point for the Einsteins.

369. Here's your final question. Cinephiles, put on your memory berets.

370. This 2001 masterpiece from Gilles Paquet-Brenner

371. explores the intricate dynamics of a family in disarray.

372. Yes

373. I'm sorry, no. Over to the Einsteins.

374. Les Jolies Choses. Are you sure?

375. Marion Cotillard exposes herself

376. a number of times in that film.

377. The Einsteins win it.

378. No Yeah

379. Come on

380. Look, I know it's easy to say tonight was just a fluke,

381. and maybe it was, but here's a piece of trivia

382. A fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea

383. So if you go fishing for a fluke,

384. chances are you just might catch one.

385. Oh, boy.

386. Welcome to the Stonewall Alliance Trivia Championship\s!

387. First prize is $2,500.

388. Let's just do our thing, collect our hardware and get the hell home

389. Whoo Riboflavin.

390. Riboflavin?

391. Michigan.

392. The President of the United States

393. is POTUS.

394. John Steinbeck wrote The Grapes of Wrath